i'm just a gay and tired twenty-something who loves three things: billie eilish, writing, and writing about billie eilish ♡
i don't follow back on this account because this isn't my main one (main acc is a completely different fandom LOL) but please don't let that stop you from interacting with me! :)
also: i'm AWFULLL at responding to messages. i promise i'm not ignoring you! if i don't respond it's either bc i saw your message and forgot about it (i have the memory of a goldfish), i got busy, or just straight up didn’t see it. i truly love chatting with ppl tho! ♡
welcome and enjoy your stayyyy ⊹₊⟡⋆
⚠️ (minors please tread carefully)
also FUCK AI! i do not use it, nor have i ever used it, and don't condone it in the slightest.
given the current climate this pride especially i feel i must mention that i love my trans friends, i stand with trans people in the fight against transphobic legislation and those who would enforce it, and this blog is not a good place for you to be if you do not vibe with that
The bass pulsed through the massive arena in Paris, heavy and relentless, vibrating beneath the feet of thousands as flashing lights cut through the darkness in sharp streaks of white and electric blue while smoke curled low across the stage, creating an almost dreamlike haze around Billie Eilish as she moved with practiced ease, her voice steady and haunting, her presence commanding in a way that made the entire crowd feel like it belonged to her.
She had done this countless times before, standing under blinding lights with people screaming her name, yet tonight carried a strange tension that sat deep in her chest because she knew that somewhere out there, hidden among the sea of faces and raised phones..
was you.
The rumors had started as whispers online, playful teasing from fans and careless speculation from media outlets, but over time they had sharpened into something that resembled truth, something almost confirmed in the way Billie spoke about you in interviews and the way her demeanor shifted whenever your name was mentioned, and people began to say that Billie was courting you, not casually, not recklessly, but with intention, which was something Billie rarely gave anyone.
You were not someone who could be approached lightly because you carried a life that was already full, a past that had not fully settled, and a responsibility that changed everything, and Billie understood that even if you never said it out loud.
As Billie stepped closer to the mic with a calmer presence, her usual sharp movements slowed into something almost intimate despite the scale of everything around her. Phones lifted higher, lights dimmed into a soft glow, and the entire arena began to sway as people sang along, some too loud, some off-key, but all of them fully immersed, turning the song into something shared rather than performed.
Billie let them sing the first line, her lips barely brushing the mic as she smiled faintly, her eyes scanning the crowd out of habit, out of something deeper, and then she saw you.
You stood in that same slightly elevated space near the stairs, the same position you told Billie you'd be in, your presence calm amidst the overwhelming noise, your eyes already on Billie as if you had been waiting for that exact moment, and beside you, your son was already bouncing slightly on his feet, gripping the railing with one hand, mesmerized at the thought of how Billie could be singing infront of hundred of people and also visit him on peaceful days with his mum.
“Mi, that’s her,” the little boy said, tugging gently at your sleeve, his voice filled with excitement as his eyes stayed glued to the stage.
“I know, baby,” You replied softly, your lips curving into a fond smile as you looked down at him for a second before returning your gaze to Billie. “You can wave if you want.”
The boy didn’t need to be told twice. He stepped forward, gripping the railing as he leaned in and started waving, not hesitantly but with full, determined energy, his arm moving repeatedly as if he refused to stop until he was seen.
“Hi! Hi!” he called out, even though his voice was swallowed by the sheer volume of the crowd.
Billie’s focus shifted completely, her voice continuing on instinct as her mind stalled for just a second because the resemblance hit her all at once, the boy looked so much like you that it almost startled her, from the softness of his features to the way his expressions changed so openly, and even the way he carried himself felt familiar in a way that made Billie’s chest tighten unexpectedly.
The crowd somehow blurred. The lights dulled. The music became background noise.
She had known you had a son, she had accepted that fact with care and respect, but seeing him, watching him exist in real time rather than as a concept, made everything feel more real than she expected.
Resuming back, Billie let out the softest smile she had, walking to the edge of the stage before waving back at him once she had a very short break before resuming back to singing.
The transition was seamless to the thousands of fans screaming around you, but to you, it was an entirely private universe. Billie gripped the microphone stand with both hands, leaning in as the opening chords of Halley’s Comet began to swell, thick with melancholy and tender realization.
The crowd erupted in a collective, breathless gasp as the familiar, haunting melody floated over the speakers.
"But in my dreams I seem to be more honest.."
Billie’s voice was barely a whisper, yet it filled every corner of the massive Parisian arena. Her eyes never left yours. The vulnerability in her gaze was staggering, a raw contrast to the pop-star persona she usually wore like armor. She was singing to a stadium, but she was performing only for the two of you.
"But you're all it takes for me to break a promise..."
"Silly me to fall in love with you..."
As she sang, your son’s excitement didn’t wane; instead, he seemed completely captivated by the magic of it all, his small hands now clapping in a slow, uneven rhythm to the music. You wrapped an arm around his small shoulders, pulling him a little closer against the chill of the arena air, your heart doing a strange, heavy flip in your chest.
Billie watched the movement. She saw the fierce, protective way you held him, the quiet grace of your motherhood blending with the person she had stayed up talking to until dawn.
"I was good at feeling nothing, now I'm hopeless..."
"What a drag to love you like I do, ooh-ooh-ooh..."
Her voice cracked slightly on the word "I do", a genuine flicker of emotion that made a few fans nearby scream in sympathy, thinking it was just the intensity of the tour getting to her. But you knew better. You knew the weight behind that lyric. You knew the timing of your lives wasn't perfect. You had baggage, a child, a life already built—and she was a global icon caught in a whirlwind.
Yet, as Billie took a slow step backward, her gaze locking onto yours through the haze of the blue stage lights, the distance between the stage and the stairs seemed to evaporate.
The song shifted, building into that beautiful, jazzy crescendo, the tempo melting into something deeper, more resolved. Billie let her head drop back for a moment, letting the music wash over her, before she looked straight at your son and gave him another small, secret nod, her eyes crinkling at the corners.
""I've been in love before, but right now in this moment..."
"I feel more and more like I was made for you."
She didn't look away when she sang that final admission. The arena went completely dark, save for a single, stark white spotlight trained on her, but in her mind, the light extended all the way to the elevated steps where you stood.
As the final notes of the song faded into a roar of applause, Billie lowered the mic, her chest heaving slightly. Before the lights changed for the next track, she caught your eye one last time, mouthing three simple words that the rest of the stadium missed entirely:
"See you backstage."
note : got so inspired by this tiktok video I had to make a fic :')) SO CUTEEE
cw: fingering, eating out, situationship, semi-public sex
The music of the club was echoing through, people laughing and speaking quieted in the bathroom where you sat.
You had yourself sitting up on the bathroom sink, one leg propped up on the marble. Your sparkly pink dress bunched up around your waist, panties pulled to the side. Your makeup smudged from the earlier makeout you had with a random dude you found.
You and Billie weren’t exactly together—it was complicated. So why was she so jealous? It was confusing to you, especially when she had her head between your legs and sucking on your clit like it was her only anchor in life.
“Fuck—you bitch, don’t go so hard!”
You cursed, your voice a little slurred from your earlier drinks.
Billie only slapped your thigh, and sucked on your clit harder as her fingers curled inside of you.
“Maybe don’t climb up a guy like a tree next time.” She growled, her fingers pumping relentlessly in your cunt.
You groaned, gripping onto her hair. Your heel clicked against the marble as you bucked into her mouth, your orgasm quickly approaching.
“Go fuck yourself.”
“I’m already fucking you, it seems a bit unconventional for me to stop fucking you to fuck myself.” She sucked harder. Tongue flicking out.
Your orgasm crashed over you like a tidal wave, leaving your legs trembling and moans spilling from your lips. Billie guided you through the wave, before finally pulling away and fixing the cotton panties back where they belonged.
She stood back up, her lips instantly on yours. Claiming. Demanding. She gripped onto the back of your neck, holding you still. Once she pulled away, she growled against your lips, her voice a predatory sound.
“You’re mine. Not anyone else’s.”
You scoffed, rolling your eyes. You fixed your dress, pulling it back down over your hips, before speaking, your voice low and teasing.
“I bet he fucks better than you do.”
A sharp slap came down on your ass, and you flinched as the sudden tingle.
“We both know that no one fucks you better than I do. So go ahead, jump in his bed. You’ll be jumping right back in mine tomorrow.”
You swallowed, before pushing her away. You walked out of the bathroom, letting the music surround you again. The last thing you heard from her was her voice calling out,
“I’ll be waiting for you, sweetheart.” ⋆. 𐙚 ̊
ׂ╰┈➤ Hi here’s a little blurb bc I’m in finals season and I need to study 💔
synopsis: It’s prom night, the lights are sparkling all around, and Billie dances around with you.
w/c: 1.9k
♬ NOW PLAYING : ̗̀➛ I. PINK TOES by CHILDISH GAMBINO
It was the one day Billie ever dressed up.
Prom. The pictures, the dressing up, the dancing, it wasn’t exactly Billie’s thing. But to see you happy, tugging her on the dance floor wearing the corsage she got you? It was all worth it each year.
But this year was special. It was senior year. It was the last year of your high school journey. And she knew how special this was for you. And she wouldn’t let anything happen to ruin it.
You had taken three painstaking hours getting ready. Showering, shaving, doing your hair, makeup, your mom zipping up your dress. A long, flowy blue dress that went with the theme of the night. Midnight sky.
You had your hair in a half up, half down, curled and set with hairspray. Your expensive perfume sprayed all over, making you smell like the equivalent of a flower garden.
Billie was standing in the living room, the bouquet she got you and the corsage in her hands. Her hair hung loosely, straightened—forcefully by Maggie—and a nice, smooth suit on. Her tie matching your dress perfectly.
You carefully walked down the steps in your heels, laughing as your mom helped you down. You held onto her hand, before finally stepping down to the bottom floor. Your eyes instantly found Billie’s, and you saw the light flash in them.
She felt like she was looking at the sun. You were absolutely breathtaking, because you certainly took hers. She swallowed thickly, nervous like it was your first date all over again. She slowly stepped closer, her voice quiet.
“Baby… Jesus, look at you… like a real dream.”
She was completely breathless. You took her breath away in one quick swoop. She took your hand in her free one, leaning down and pressing a kiss to your knuckles.
You couldn’t help but giggle, shrugging your shoulders up at the compliment.
“I have the effect on people.”
You said smugly, making her roll her eyes. She handed you your bouquet, which you took gratefully. You held out your hand for her, and watched her carefully slip the corsage onto your wrist. She adjusted it, before kissing your knuckles once more.
“Now… I believe you have something for me as well?”
She asked, like this wasn’t tradition. You rolled your eyes, before pulling out your boutonniere that you picked out. You carefully clipped it to her vest, before smoothing it out.
“There. Now we match.”
You said, a wide smile on your lips.
And then—pictures. Your mom dragged you outside to the porch, taking out her old camera to snap pictures of you and Billie. You complained multiple times, desperately just wanting to get into the limo and to the venue where prom was being held.
You only heard Billie chuckle, but when you turned to look at her with a hard look, she instantly smothered it.
It took twenty minutes to pry your mom away, before slipping into the limo. You let out a small sigh in relief, practically collapsing against the limo. You leaned against Billie, taking her hand in yours.
“Hey, don’t get all sleepy now. We still have a full two hours.”
Billie teased softly, gently tilting your head up. She placed a soft kiss on your lips, stealing some of the lip gloss that covered your lips.
“Maybe I wouldn’t if my mom wasn’t insistent on getting ten thousand pictures before prom even started.”
You grumbled, but kissed her back. Softly.
When the limo pulled up to the venue, all your friends were there. Their boyfriends were fixing their boutonnières, while all your friends were huddled for pictures. And before you knew it—you slipped away with your friends, squealing and hugging each other, while Billie went up to all her friends from the football team.
These were the pictures you didn’t mind. They were with your friends—the people you loved and cherished. And half because the poses weren’t insanely awkward.
But eventually, you all made it into the venue, and found a table that fit all of your friends and their boyfriends, and Billie. Claiming it with your purses, before rushing off to the dance floor and all dancing together. Lights flashing, music beating into the wall.
You found Billie standing off to the side a half an hour later, a plastic cup in her hand. You came up behind her, giggling as you wrapped your arms around her waist.
“Jesus—“ she screamed, but it was barely audible over the blasting music. She turned to look at you, eyes wide and hand clutching her chest. “God, baby, I thought I was going to have to sucker punch a bitch.”
You only giggled, looking up at her with soft, loving eyes.
“C’mon, you’re not standing around all night.”
“Baby, you know I’m a horrible dancer.” She retaliated, already trying to pull away.
“No, you’re not.” You pulled her over to the dance floor.
“Yes, I am, baby. You saw last year, I’m a horrible worm dancer.” She stumbled after you.
“Well, good thing you don’t have to do the worm.” You said, plucking the drink from her hand and tossing it into the nearby trash can.
“I was drinking that—“
“And now you’re not. You’re dancing.”
You pulled her into the large crowd, hidden between bodies that didn’t care about your presence, and you held onto her hands tightly.
“Just be here with me. Please, Billie.” You asked, and used those pleading puppy eyes you always used when you wanted something to go your way.
Billie broke instantly. She was an easy woman with you. She sighed, before she began to dance with you. Awkwardly, at first, before she loosened up, laughing as you both danced with each other.
It was like that for a while, dancing and screaming the lyrics of the songs playing. Sometimes stopping to grab a bottle of water, before immediately running back to your place on the dance floor.
It wasn’t until the hour and a half mark when the speakers cut. You and Billie were confused, until—
“We’re so grateful you are all here tonight, Seniors! But before anyone goes home, we’d like to announce the prom King and Queen of the night!”
Your heart raced. You and Billie had both submitted for Queen—you—and King—Billie. You both had only done it for fun, and didn’t expect anything from it. But it still made your heart race.
You grabbed onto Billie’s hand, but didn’t look over at her. You were both silently hoping for the title, but weren’t exactly expecting it. It was just a title, but it was Senior year. It would be amazing to see you guys up on the stage, but you didn’t let your hopes up.
“Alright! For our prom King, we have…” The tension was high as the principal pulled open an envelope, and you saw her eyes widening for a moment.
“Well, this is new. Our prom King of this year’s Seniors is Billie O’Connell!”
You froze. There was no way this was real. You looked over to Billie, and instantly jumped.
“You got prom King! You got it, baby!” You squealed, hugging Billie tightly. Billie only chuckled, before slowly pressing a kiss to your forehead, and making her way onto the stage.
The workers helped put on the plastic crown and the sash, which spelled ‘Prom King’ in the school colors. You smiled up at her from the dance floor, clapping as everyone else did.
“Alright! And now, for this year’s Prom Queen!” The principal announced, grabbing the separate envelope and slowly opening it. The tension was high, girls whispering around, quietly saying it would be them.
But then—your name. You were called from the microphone. You froze—you got Prom Queen. You and Billie both got Prom King and Queen. You stood there in shock for a moment, before one of your friends pushed you, making you snap out of your daze.
You quickly made your way up to the stage, and you were smiling like an idiot. The employees placed the tiara on top of your head, and the sash across your chest. You beamed up at Billie, giggling like you were little freshmen again.
“Well, don’t you look dazzling in a tiara.”
Billie said, walking over to you and gently pulling you against her chest. She gently brushed a stray curl away from your face, humming softly.
“Well, you look amazing in a crown.”
You said, a smile on your lips. You heard the principal calling your names, making you turn. You both smiled for the photo, before quickly turning back to each other.
It wasn’t planned. It was a surprise to both of you, and it was nice. It was nice and felt amazing to have the tiara lying across your head, and see the frown perched on Billie’s.
You were both guided down to the dance floor together, and a slow dance song came on. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes—a slow dance was not in Billie’s specialties. Tackling, running, yes. Dancing? Not so much.
Billie grumbled, but slipped an arm around your waist. She pulled you against her, and holding your other hand out into the air. She pulled your faces close, and slowly began to sway with you.
“Damn, baby, when did you learn to dance?”
You giggled, one arm around her neck as she slowly guided the dance.
“Videos. Ever since you submitted us for King and Queen. Just in case.”
She said softly, looking down at you with a small smile. It wasn’t a huge grand gesture, but it was something that made you feel important. Something that instantly struck your heart. You smiled, before leaning your head on her chest.
It was dark by the time you pulled up to the diner. It was empty as you entered, tiara tilted slightly, giggles ringing out between you and Billie. Your dress was wrinkled, but you didn’t care.
You munched down on your food, absolutely starving. You refused to eat since breakfast, wanting to make sure you still fit into the dress. And now, you were chowing down, moaning at each delicious bite.
“Jesus, baby, it’s all yours. You can calm down.”
Billie laughed, handing you a couple of napkins.
You wiped at your face, taking some makeup with it. You barely cared anymore. You were just happy to have food in your stomach again. You let out a sigh, leaning back and patting your now full stomach.
“That… was delicious. I need to come here more. Maybe this can be our next date—“
Your words were cut off with a loud burp, making yours and Billie’s eyes widen. You both stared at each other for a moment, before promptly bursting into laughter.
“Yeah, we should come here for our next date—“
Billie mocked, fauxing her own burp. You both bursted into even more laughter, both of your faces turning bright red at how much you were laughing.
Eventually, your laughs simmered down to soft giggles, looking over at each other with soft smiles.
“Okay, burp lord, it’s time to go home.”
Billie said softly, moving out from the booth and gently taking your hand. She led you both over to the front counter, pulling out her wallet to pay.
You leaned against her shoulder, nuzzling into the fabric and yawning. You felt your eyes begin to droop, letting out a soft sigh as you saw the card being handed back to Billie.
You let her lead you back into the car, and settle you down into the passenger seat.
“Go to sleep, princess. I’ll wake you when we get home.” ⋆. 𐙚 ̊
ׂ╰┈➤ guys look it’s Ally actually getting out of her slump for once !! Ultra rare find
summary : the sanctuary is cold, the preacher’s truck is gone, and evangeline is realizing that the girl wearing the silver cross is the one leading her into the dark. a drive home turns into an interrogation of everything evangeline thought she knew about her own heart.
wc: 4,4k words.
cw: religious guilt/trauma, massive power imbalance, manipulation, degradation, mild sexual content (implied), jealousy, emotional gaslighting.
the heavy, rhythmic ticking of the grandfather clock in the narthex was the only thing filling the silence of the sanctuary, sounding less like a timepiece and more like a gavel hitting a wooden block. evangeline hollis stood perfectly still, her breath hitching as she felt the final, lingering heat of billie’s hand sliding slowly from beneath the hem of her lace skirt, her own hands trembling as she smoothed the wrinkled lace of her cream colored skirt. the fabric felt foreign against her skin, a stark reminder of the way it had been hiked up and crushed against the cold, unforgiving wood of the choir pews only moments before. she didn't look back at the altar. she couldn't. instead, her eyes were fixed on the dust motes dancing in the dim light of the overhead chandeliers, trying to find her breath in an atmosphere that felt like it was composed of lead.
a few feet away, billie eilish was a portrait of terrifying composure. there was no flush on her neck, no frantic catch in her breathing. she looked as though she had spent the last twenty minutes in deep, silent prayer rather than leading the preacher’s daughter into a transgression that would make the reverend’s blood run cold. billie reached up, her movements slow and clinical, and tucked a stray lock of her dark, silken hair behind her ear. she adjusted the lapels of her oversized black blazer, the structured wool making her shoulders look sharp and impenetrable. with a quiet, metallic click, she refastened her silver cross necklace, the metal glinting like a warning against her throat.
"you're shaking, evangeline," billie murmured, her voice vibrating with that smooth, youth leader warmth that felt like a mockery in the empty church. she didn't turn to look at her. she didn't need to. she could feel evangeline’s unraveling like a scent in the air. "it’s just a draft. the lord’s house is always a little cold when the sun goes down, isn't it?"
evangeline swallowed hard, the back of her throat tasting like extinguished candle wax. she finally turned her gaze toward the massive oak doors, her heart sinking into her stomach. through the narrow stained glass windows flanking the exit, she could see the gravel parking lot. it was empty. the familiar, rusted silhouette of her father’s truck was nowhere to be found. he had mentioned running errands in the next town over, a trip that would keep him away until long after the evening dew had settled.
the realization hit her like a physical weight. the walk home was three miles of winding, unlit backroads-roads that felt much longer when your skin was still tingling from the hidden, stinging marks of someone’s teeth and your soul felt like it had been scraped raw. she stood there, poised between the altar and the exit, feeling strangely exposed in the very building that was supposed to be her sanctuary. she didn't want to ask. she didn't want to give billie the satisfaction of hearing the tremor in her voice, of admitting that she was once again dependent on the very person who delighted in her ruin.
but the silence stretched, thick and suffocating, until the uncertainty made evangeline’s chest tighten so much she feared she might choke.
billie didn't miss the subtle shift in her stance or the way her eyes lingered on the empty space where the truck should have been. she let out a slow, deliberate sigh. a sound of feigned patience that made evangeline feel about five years old. billie stepped closer, her heels clicking sharply against the floorboards, a predatory sound that echoed up into the rafters.
she stopped just inches behind evangeline, not touching her, but close enough that the heat radiating from her blazer felt like a brand. "he’s not coming back for another hour, at least," billie whispered, leaning down so her breath brushed against the shell of evangeline’s ear. "and you look far too... messy to be walking the main road, sweetheart. what would the neighbors think if they saw the preacher’s daughter with her ribbons undone and that look in her eyes?"
billie reached out, her hand finding evangeline’s chin and tilting her face up. her thumb, cold and steady, brushed over evangeline’s lower lip-swollen and bitten, a vibrant, aching contrast to her pale skin. billie’s icy blue eyes searched hers, devoid of the heat that had been there minutes ago, replaced now by a clinical sort of disgust that evangeline knew was just another part of the game.
"get your things," billie commanded, her tone shifting back to the authoritative, polished cadence of the girl the elders adored. "i’ll drive you."
evangeline felt the familiar, sickening coil of guilt and longing tighten in her gut. she was a girl made of sunday school lace and quiet obedience, and as she looked into billie’s freezing gaze, she realized she wasn't just losing her ride home. she was losing her way entirely, guided into the dark by a girl who wore a cross but served a much hungrier god.
the interior of billie’s car was a sharp, modern contrast to the ancient wood and stone of the church, yet it felt even more like a cage. the air here was heavy with the scent of expensive leather and the faint, lingering trail of billie’s perfume. something dark and woody that seemed to coat the back of evangeline’s throat. as they pulled out of the gravel lot, the tires humming a low, mournful tune against the asphalt, the only light came from the dim glow of the dashboard and the occasional flicker of a passing streetlight.
evangeline sat rigidly in the passenger seat, her hands clasped tightly in her lap to hide the way they still wanted to reach out. every time billie shifted gears, her arm brushed against the sleeve of evangeline’s dress, and the contact felt like a live wire. a reminder that despite the clinical distance billie had established back at the altar, the electricity between them was still humming, raw and dangerous.
the silence in the cabin was a living thing, expanding until it felt like it might crush the air right out of evangeline’s lungs. she turned her head slightly, her body instinctively seeking even a sliver of the heat billie was currently withholding. she watched the sharp line of billie’s jaw, the way her hands gripped the steering wheel with a relaxed, terrifyingly easy kind of control.
"why do you do this?"
the question slipped out before evangeline could filter it, her voice a fragile, frayed thread in the quiet cabin. she immediately regretted the sound of it. the way it betrayed the frantic searching of her heart. she quickly looked back toward the windshield, watching the skeletal trees of the backroads blur into a dark, continuous smudge.
"why me?" she murmured, the words hanging in the air like thick, suffocating incense. "do you… do you do this with other girls? is this just another part of the ministry for you?"
the word jealousy wasn't spoken, but it sat between them like a bitter, poisonous fruit. it was a sharp, stinging sensation that made evangeline’s throat feel tight, a possessive ache that made her stomach twist. she hated herself for it. she was the preacher’s daughter, meant to be a vessel of selfless, divine love, yet here she was, spiraling into a very human, very ugly greed for the attention of a girl who only ever used her as a footstool for her own ego.
the car fell into a deep, agonizing silence. billie didn't flinch. she took a slow, deliberate turn, the car leaning into the curve with a grace that mirrored her own. for a long, harrowing moment, evangeline thought she might be ignored entirely or dismissed as the "pathetic girl" billie had called her back in the vestry.
then, the sound came. a soft, dark chuckle that didn't reach her eyes, the kind of laugh that always preceded billie’s most cutting, soul stripping observations. it was a sound that made the hair on evangeline’s arms stand up.
"jealousy," billie mused, rolling the word around in her mouth as if it were a delicious, forbidden secret. she finally turned her head, the passing light of a streetlamp catching the icy, translucent blue of her eyes for a split second, pinning evangeline to her seat more effectively than her hands ever could. "how very unsaintly of you, evangeline. i thought we were working on your pride, but it seems we’ve stumbled into one of the deadlier ones, haven't we?"
she didn't look back at the road immediately. she let her gaze linger on evangeline’s flushed face, her expression one of amused, clinical observation.
"you want to know if there are others," billie continued, her voice dropping to that low, velvety register she used when she wanted to make evangeline feel like the only person in the world and the most insignificant. "you want to know if i’ve pressed anyone else into the choir pews until they started reciting my name instead of their prayers. you’re looking for a reason to feel special, aren't you, ev? you want to believe that even if this is a sin, it’s a sin i only want to commit with you."
billie returned her eyes to the road, a small, mocking smirk tugging at the corners of her lips. she reached out one hand, not to hold evangeline’s, but to tap a rhythmic, taunting beat against the steering wheel.
"it’s a dangerous question to ask a girl like me," billie whispered. "because the answer doesn't matter. whether there are ten others or just you, the result is the same. you’re the one sitting in this car. you’re the one who can’t stop looking at me. and you’re the one who’s going to have to walk into that parsonage and look your father in the eye, wondering if he can smell me on your skin."
she let the words sink in, the psychological weight of them pressing down on evangeline until she felt small, messy, and entirely possessed.
"you're the only one who knows how to be this quiet while you're falling," billie murmured, her voice a low, gravelly vibration that seemed to settle directly into the marrow of evangeline's bones.
the lie was so thin it was almost transparent, a fragile, trembling shield evangeline held up to protect the last of her dignity. she kept her head bowed, staring with a sudden, frantic intensity at the intricate stitching of her bag, refusing to let billie see the way her eyelashes fluttered or the way her chest heaved with a shallow, unsteady breath. she felt the weight of her father’s expectations, the weight of the church, and the weight of billie’s icy gaze all pressing down on her at once.
"m’not falling," she whispered. the words were so small they seemed to dissolve into the expensive leather upholstery before they could even reach the driver’s side. she tried to inject a note of defiance into it, a spark of that quiet strength she usually carried through the church pews, but it came out sounding more like a plea for billie to believe her or perhaps a plea to believe herself. "i can stop. i can stop whenever i want."
for a moment, the only sound was the rhythmic, hypnotic hum of the tires against the wet asphalt. evangeline waited for the scoff, for the mocking laugh, or for billie to simply ignore the lie with the bored detachment she usually reserved for those she found beneath her.
instead, the car swerved with a sudden, violent grace as billie slowed down, pulling into a quiet, overgrown side street that bled into the darkness away from the main road to the parsonage. the change in momentum made evangeline lurch forward, her heart leaping into her throat, and before she could steady herself, billie’s hand was there. it wasn't a gentle catch. it was a firm, grounding pressure that slammed against evangeline’s thigh, her fingers digging into the cream-colored fabric with just enough strength to remind her exactly who held the reins.
"is that so?" billie asked. her voice had dropped into a low, dark purr that seemed to vibrate through the floorboards and settle in evangeline’s very marrow. she didn't look at the road anymore. the car sat idling in the shadows, the headlights cutting two lonely paths into the trees. she looked only at evangeline, her eyes tracing the curve of the girl’s jaw and the downward, defeated tilt of her head with a predatory hunger.
"then why are you trembling, evangeline?" she challenged, her thumb beginning to trace a slow, punishing circle against the girl’s skin. a movement that was clinical, repetitive, and entirely devastating. "if you're so in control, why is your heart trying to escape your chest? why do you look at me like you're starving and im the only thing in this god fearing town that can feed you?"
the space in the car felt like it was shrinking, the oxygen disappearing as billie leaned closer. her shadow engulfed evangeline, blocking out the dim, artificial glow of the dashboard until there was nothing left but the scent of billie’s perfume and the cold heat of her presence.
"don't do that," billie whispered, her breath warm and smelling of mint against evangeline’s cheek, a sharp contrast to the freezing words she spoke. "lie to the congregation if you must. lie to your father while you’re pouring the communion wine. but don't lie to me."
she leaned in until her lips were brushing the shell of evangeline's ear, her voice barely a breath, yet louder than any sermon evangeline had ever heard.
"you aren't falling, sweetheart," billie hissed, a mocking smirk tugging at her lips as she felt evangeline shudder beneath her touch. "you're already on your knees. you’ve been there since the moment i walked into your father’s study, and we both know you aren't planning on getting up anytime soon."
she let the silence hang there, heavy and incriminating, forcing evangeline to sit in the ruins of her own hollow defiance. billie didn't pull away- she stayed there, looming over her, waiting for the girl to realize that in this car, just like in the vestry, there was no such thing as an equal fight. there was only the predator, and the lamb who had forgotten how to run.
evangeline turned her head sharply toward the window, the movement so sudden it made the delicate lace of her collar chafe against her neck. she pressed her forehead against the cool, unyielding glass, desperate for the physical chill to numb the feverish heat billie had ignited. in the dark reflection of the passing trees and flickering streetlights, she saw a ghost of herself. eyes too wide, hair too messy, a version of evangeline hollis that didn't belong in the light. she couldn't bear to look back at the driver's seat. not when billie had just systematically stripped away every defense she owned, leaving her raw and shivering in the wake of a truth she wasn't ready to name.
through the glass, the parsonage finally drifted into view. it looked like a postcard of peace. the familiar, sloping silhouette of the roof, the warm, golden glow of the porch light, and the quiet sanctity of a home where she was supposed to be the anchor. it felt like a completely different world. one where she didn't have the taste of candle wax in her mouth or still feel the weight of a hypocrite’s hand on her leg.
the distance between the car and that front door felt like a treacherous, bottomless canyon. evangeline wanted to be there, safe in her own bed, wrapped in the familiar textures of her childhood and the quiet of her own thoughts, far away from the heavy, commanding presence of the girl beside her. but the closer they got, the more the house looked like a courtroom.
billie slowed the car, the engine idling with a low, impatient rumble as she pulled up to the curb a few houses down, keeping them draped in the safety of the shadows. the silence returned, but it was no longer the awkward quiet of a ride home. it was stagnant and thick, like the atmosphere in the sanctuary right before the heavens break open.
"we’re here," billie said. her voice was devoid of its usual mocking lilt. it was just a statement. flat, final, and cold. she didn't unbuckle her seatbelt, and she didn't tell evangeline to get out. she simply sat there with her hands resting loosely on the steering wheel, her icy blue eyes fixed on evangeline’s profile against the window, waiting with a predator’s patience to see if the girl would finally break.
the car felt smaller now, the air between them turning to lead. evangeline didn't reach for the door handle. she didn't even unbuckle. instead, she curled inward, pulling her leather bag against her chest like a physical shield to protect her heart from further scrutiny. her knuckles were white, her fingers digging into the worn leather until they ached.
she had so many things she wanted to scream. she wanted to tell billie that she was still in control, that she wasn't just a project to be dismantled and discarded. she wanted to admit that the jealousy she’d felt wasn't a whim, but a terrifying realization of how much of her soul she had already handed over. but the words felt too heavy, too unrefined to let loose. she swallowed them down, letting them settle in her throat like a bitter, jagged stone.
a weary, ragged sigh finally broke from her. the sound of a girl who had officially run out of places to hide. evangeline didn't look at the house anymore. she looked down at her lap, her shoulders slumped under the crushing weight of the secret she was carrying.
"i can't get myself to walk inside... or look at my mother’s face," she admitted, the words feeling shameful as they left her lips. the thought of her mother’s kind, unsuspecting eyes, the eyes of a woman who believed her daughter was a pillar of grace. made her stomach churn with a sudden, sharp nausea.
then, she did something brave. she lifted her head, forcing herself to meet that icy, unblinking blue gaze.
"how do you do it?" evangeline asked, her voice gaining a sliver of desperate strength. "how do you live like this? how do you walk into that church every sunday and act like you aren't... like you aren't everything you just did to me?"
billie didn't flinch. she didn't look guilty, and she certainly didn't look like she was struggling with a crisis of conscience. she sat there, perfectly poised, the very image of a girl who had mastered the art of the hollow soul. she leaned in just a fraction, her silver cross catching the dim dashboard light.
"it's easy, ev," billie whispered, her lips curling into a tiny, devastating smirk. "i just remember that the version of me they love doesn't actually exist. and the version of you that i just had on that pew? that’s the only one that’s real."
the air in the car felt like it had been sucked out, replaced by a vacuum of cold, clinical indifference. billie’s words hadn't just been a remark; they had been an execution of the girl evangeline worked so hard to be. for a heartbeat, the silence was absolute. then, something inside evangeline finally snapped. a clean, sharp break that didn't feel like falling, but like a sudden, violent awakening.
"i want you to leave, eilish," she snapped.
the name left her lips like a challenge, sharp and unyielding. using her surname felt like slamming a heavy, iron gate between them. a formal, cold barrier that stripped away the "billie" she’d whispered in the dark. it was the most unevangeline thing she had ever done. she was usually a creature of softness and quiet contemplation, but now she was blunt, her voice stripped of every shred of submission.
billie’s eyebrows flickered upward, a shadow of genuine surprise crossing her icy features, but evangeline didn't give her the chance to speak. before billie could offer a rebuttal, before she could use that low, melodic voice to pull her back into her orbit, evangeline grabbed her leather bucket bag and shoved it against her chest. she held it like an anchor, like a shield, her knuckles white as she gripped the worn material.
"and i don't want to do this again," she added, her voice trembling. not with the fear of billie, but with a desperate, frantic need to reclaim the fragments of her own soul. "i don't want to see you. not in the vestry. not in this car. not at all."
she didn’t wait for billie’s permission. she didn’t wait for the "amen" to the sermon billie had been preaching all night. evangeline unbuckled her seatbelt with a sharp, mechanical click, yanked the door handle, and stepped out into the cool evening air.
the transition was jarring. the night air was crisp and smelled of damp earth and pine, a world away from the leather and predatory heat of the car’s interior. she didn't look back. she walked toward the parsonage with a forced, rigid purpose, her legs feeling heavy, as if she were wading through water. her skin was still humming with the lingering dampness of her shame, the places billie had touched feeling like brands she was trying to walk away from.
she kept her gaze fixed strictly on the path ahead, staring at the gravel and the blades of grass illuminated by the porch light, refusing to cast even a single glance over her shoulder. she was terrified that if she looked, she would see billie watching her, see that smug, knowing smirk, and she would crumble all over again.
behind her, the car engine remained idling, a low, rhythmic pulse in the quiet street. it sounded like the breathing of a beast that wasn't finished with its meal. even without looking, evangeline could feel those icy blue eyes on her back. heavy, judgmental, and entirely too knowing. she could almost hear the silent, amused chuckle drifting through the glass, as if billie knew that this declaration of independence was just another move in a game she had already won.
evangeline reached the porch, her hand fumbling for the door handle. she stepped inside the house, the warmth of her home feeling like a lie, and closed the door behind her. only then did she hear the low growl of the engine as the car finally pulled away, leaving her alone in the silence of her father’s house, stained and shivering in the light.
note // wheww okay this is my first time posting actual angst instead of my usual fluff !! i’ve been working on this chapter for a reaaally long time to get the tone just right so im nervous but excited to finally share it :)) this is going to be a series so chapter two is officially on the way 🙏 thanks for reading and lmk what you thinkk 💭
just stopping by to casually announce that i graduated college today 😭😭🩷 and my graduation gift was EILISH NO.1 😭😭😭😭 it smells so good i literally wanna douse myself in it ugh
(and of course this song feels extra real now).
also i read everyone's comments on the snippet of my upcoming fic that i posted i love y'all you guys are so funny and thank y'all for being so so patient with me fr 😭🫶🏽 this isn't me promising anything buuut i think that fic will be up tomorrow? i really hope it lives up to expectations ahhh
oh my god kill me i meant ive been listening to atgggth
lmaoo dw i got you. but speaking of bury a friend i'm so in love with that song too ugh. it's actually my favorite song of hers ever (followed by atgggth)
coming back out of my semi-inactive era just to say... i have rewatched that magician interview 20 million times now and it has awakened something in me. i have never written sub!billie before but after obsessing over and analyzing tf outta that video sub!billie fics from me are a Very Real Possibility so look forward to that too ig
(also i graduate in 10 days i swear once i'm free i'm locking in i miss writing)
So i kinda think i have a crush on this girl and shes older(from skl)and i kinda told her that i was gay(shes older)cause she looked at my carabiner and i though she was looking at my keys and blohsh and i said 'well yeah obviously..i'm not tryina hide it' and AGAIN i though she was looking at my fuckin blohsh not in a lesbian way
Ok and i was in pe class and we have pe with her class and lets say i suuuuuckkk at voley and she litearlly helped me and said that its okay everytime i yk did smth wrong and i think shes really really sweet and i though i really annoyed her and like im glad i didnt but also DID I?cause idk and i'm too (kindaaa)shy to talk to her (also i'm a buttom hihihi)
And like she hugs me after every skl break and like shes super hot and kinda like a rocky masc and shes smarttttt and super sweet
Also i'm not sure that i like her ahhhh
Ok so idk why i said all that but idk what to do hhiihhiihhi byee
honestlyyy i think you should go for it!! don't be too forward though but just start hanging out with her maybe? you guys might really hit it off who knows!!
it's been a few days (sorry 😞) since you've sent me this so idk how you're doing now but i hope you're doing well anyway!! 🫶🏽🫶🏽
kind of obsessed with raye spending 6 and a half minutes listing the names of every single person who worked on her album or contributed to it in some way. what a statement that is about the effort and the people required to create a record in an era of shortcuts and stolen voices and ideas fed into machines that churn out slop to line the pockets of a tiny number of people who wouldn't know a creative thought if it smacked them round the face
