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New** Untitled. | Edited by me | Song: Warned You- Good Morning |

'Sleepover' directed by Heaven Starr | Filmed and Edited by Erik Thomas Daniel

Pensive Poetry #6 "Dear Jasmine"

I can say I'm mad at myself more than ever Because I've allowed you to make me feel ugly As if there was someone better I guess maybe I fucked with you at a bad time I'd rather lose you than my own mind Retrograde and withdrawals I can't seem to think straight Now Im in front of you about to bawl I'm confused and I'm angry My minds has been taking advantage of me Maybe those pills were a better idea The way I'm feeling now makes it harder to realize What I want and what I need So I'm down on my knees begging please please Let me go let me free I don't want those nightmares anymore But the way I was feeling was worse than ever before And at the end of the day I don't regret a thing You know to be honest I'd rather see you in my dreams Case the real thing just isn't the same Going back and forth in my mind trying to stay sane You won't get it Now I feel dumb and humiliated I'm asking myself why am I still here This bed is nice but I'm basically laying alone I can feel your mind is elsewhere You look at me and I can tell you're not there Wish I could fade back when I knew you Before we fucked, things would be simpler You'd just be a fantasy And I'd still want to chill Talk about life Keep it real You're a liar and I know that It hurt me a little but I grew from it, now I'm back Maybe I cried about it everyday I don't think you understand You've help me discover pain in a different way Like you said repeating it won't make a difference but my mind won't stop replaying you sneaking me out the back door and it still doesn't make sense Looking at me with these blank eyes wondering if you're capable of freeing your mind she has you all tied up and I can tell you're lying I wish you were real but wishing is just a waste of time - Dear jasmine Girl you're so beautiful He calls you crazy and yeah I know he's crazy too that amazes me two crazy people crazy about each other can't just be crazy together But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be because crazy plus crazy doesn't get any better - But thank you thank you for showing me things I waited so long for your attention Damn what's wrong with me Now I know for certain, it's really something that I don't need So thank you for helping me rediscover how to breathe ---------------- Pensive #6

Kicking and Screaming / Pensive #5

I’ve felt this stress sitting on my shoulder Just one shoulder Because lately I feel like half a person I just got back from holiday “Yeah, thanks. It was good.” There was a snake wrapped around my head Fashionably Squeezing tighter by the minute I enjoy the consistency The pressure is comforting I enjoy good company

The presence alone is a gift within it self I guess Maybe it shouldn’t be Focus on my breathing, why don’t you try it A red blinking light above my bed I hate when they yell Spinning negates itself But I’m okay for now

Many someone to allow me to disappear Reappear Apparently Perhaps even out of existence to you I don’t exist Black matter would be more approachable Than the topic of me

Sit back I spread my legs and fell out of your orbit Now my head is spinning but my eyes burn It’s so dark in this room but I can still feel you Anything passed these cloudy memories Of us tangled Higher than the clouds Then I lost you You drift away Then I’m back Sitting in class with my legs crossed Chalkboard has free fall equations but my mind Drifting Skips back to when I put my hand on your And Now there’s shit on my glasses And I can’t see What the fuck am I doing And I’m sitting on this white mattress I’ve been here before Maybe Alone So why is it so unfamiliar Fuck you Shut up This isn’t real My mind is divisible by seven voices Ideas. Nothing. Criticism. Inquisitive. Many things. Many things. whisper things to me “Let’s keep this between us” It’s not ME it’s US or WE

would you ever be able to imagine the Galaxy of insanity that I live in

—– Pensive Poetry #5

Wednesday & Ol'Agnes / pensive #3 & #4

Wednesday Allow my feet to touch your face so you can feel what it is like to be beneath me You hold such pretty things over my head But you seem to forget none of your rocks can exceed me For I am the sparkling diamond Rare and desired Thanks to you You have sat on my shoulders like a bad habit So much pressure I did not know I could take So once again My hat is off to you You have made me into the rock I am today. --- Pensive #3 ———————— Ol'Agnes I need to learn I need to learn how to separate myself from my mind! I want to separate myself from these feelings of anger. I can feel the rage inside me pulling my eyes back making it more and more difficult to focus. I am someone who doesn't believe in spite, I am not a spiteful person, so why do I feel like I'm filled with so much hate. I want to be the spider underneath my shoe. I want to see my fate and surrender to reality. I so badly want to understand truth, yet I continue to lead myself into naivety when I know for certain there is no REAL TRUTH. Truth is relative. I want to lock myself away again. I only hope it doesn't become necessary. Those white walls and paper thin sheets gave me clarity. Wake me up at 4 am just to taste my blood. Mumbling. "I don't feel well. I can't stand, I can't feel my feet. I can't see." He said to me, " you're so medicated you won't remember this in the morning." So they grabbed both of my arms and dragged me back to my room. Head down, feet swept the hallway floor. My limp body dragged along as they held me up like a scarecrow. I was thrown back into my bed. These are the things I will never forget. The toilets have no seats. The floors are always covered in bleach. Old lady Agnes never sleeps. She just stares at me. Nights I lay awake. It's always been this way. How many more pills do I have to take. Ambien will only hold me for 4 hours and like a computer after pressing restart.. I'm wide awake. What is dreaming when you don't sleep? ---- Pensive #4

Seats Taken

You preach passion and feel no sympathy Finding your love was never written in the stars Or even in my galaxy i would never want to invest in emptiness Who said I was looking for someone worth investing in your love is occupied and I crave more Love is what I deserve Prince Charming wouldn't be able to handle me with glass hands So here we are Finally Face to face Allow the tip of my finger rub to find that special place Let it rub the center of your palm I can feel your sweet vulnerability You're hiding it, I can tell and now I'm inside it Ultimately I know these weren't your intentions I feel selfish for feeling this way you brought me here to hurt me No, wait. Now that's not true Your invitation was so friendly I'm just here to help you sway And swing and float and dance And fall Fall deeply into all the unknown desires you long for So let us make a toast to the world where our wildest dreams come true Come lay beside me Feel our bodies "vibing" Are you still dreaming too? You have women throwing themselves at you And you thought I was that naive, didn't you? i get that now but why couldnt you have given me a warning sign For this one, I will take the blame i should have looked deeper into your eyes I've come to terms with being lonely You were a friendly reminder with extra reassurance how could i be such a fool to dance with the ideas of a man like you you believe in pleasure and like to ignore pain maybe I am painful for you, since you've ignored me the same now hang me up to dry i'm soaked in your baggage You have turned my fantasy into a nightmare I don't have much to say But I can say thank you for reintroducing me to my insanity As if I could forget These memories on repeat playing in my head So please allow me to remove myself from this situation And only then can I try to resist the temptation These are no more than tears of frustration How could you misconceive my presence Maybe I will be open to loving you in our next life It's clear to me now your current one is too congested I feel selfish, I feel tarnished Perhaps I should keep these words to myself If I do they will only haunt my dream land Oh the things I could have said Oh the things I could have done It's in the past now There's are the things I've learned from ------- Pensive #2

Take Away Only

I am in a pensive state I won't call it a phase It seems my world could be upside down And I wouldn't notice because I am so trapped in the space behind my eyes I look into your eyes, you let me look inside And now I feel scared I'm afraid I will never get a chance to tangled your mind with memories of us I'm afraid that although you say mine, you do not belong to me I do not belong to me I'm in a pensive state and suddenly everything around me is grey You are the only shade of real I like Why Why do I find myself infatuated with the ideas of us Did my presence disappoint you? Am I not the angel you dreamt me to be Secretly I wish you would look at me My mind is down, somewhere, out of order Because I have walked myself back to a place A place where I waltz with a tuxedo and no gentlemen inside This thread count keeps me warm Why Why should I have to spread my legs for a Prince Charming The moles on your face make you seem real The space in those greenish eyes make me think about meadows Except Only on a rainy day and the suns still out Tell me something that will make my heart want to stay Would you please touch me so this room will stop spinning For you, I want to be whatever it is that pleases you Slide into my life slowly so I know you care --- Pensive #1

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