more bad medicine

to find me now will cost you everything madison go ahead and break my heart the twilight zone

[sol-une]

[heavenwasreal]

as we walked in the darkness from downtown to Bud’s, a few porch lights dotted the way. about halfway, i caught a glow emanating from a frosty shed window. curious, and slightly tipsy, i approached and was utterly delighted to make out distinct silhouettes—a purple crystal ball, and tiny king and queen. i couldn’t believe the whimsical scene i had stumbled upon—a shadow puppet theater scene in the still of a Carmel night. how marvelous.

[heavenwasreal]

this was an old Analog scifi book that I painted, collaged, & drew in when i lived alone in my Westwood apartment. 2013-2014 or so

[heavenwasreal]

pizza in los gatos after my berkeley art show, 2020/2021?

[heavenwasreal]

polaroids over the years (2020-2023, ish)

[heavenwasreal]

i've been watching a lot of The Nanny lately. it still holds up, and even matt loves it. while looking up max sheffield actor charles shaughnessy, i found this 35mm of him and his wife--to whom he's still married--in 1985. i just love it. sometimes i ache for a life i never got to live. one before social media and billionaires hoarding the wealth. when you could work a factory job and own a home. sigh.

[amomentofnature]

🌞

[heavenwasreal]

is it really too much to live here?

[heavenwasreal]

I never want to stop being barefoot. I never want to stop climbing trees.

Growing up always having a front and back yard, it never crossed my mind that one day I'd spend the better half of my life in a congested city with little space to call my own. It was the 90s, and then the early 00s, and the formula was still in place: college degree > job > buy a house. I could never have known how irrelevant that would become.

I miss being outside. I miss gardening selfishly, and not for the tenants after me. It took five years for the first bougainvillea to grow. I've just planted another. I wonder if I'll see it grown.

[heavenwasreal]

i'm back. today i was consumed with a sadness so profound i found myself sitting here typing 'tumblr.com' into the address bar because it feels like the only place i can really run to. the nature of the sadness? societal, personal. the catalyst? burnout.

as i sit here, sweaty, dirty, and covered in paint splatters, i think about how my procrastination has led me to a breaking point. yes, i work hard. no, i don't try my hardest. i am definitely not doing my best on a day to day basis. i want to pour these feelings out and into a glass and say here, look at this, feel how heavy it is in your hand. i know this post is erratic but i think i just need to type and type and type until some weight is lifted.

social media ruined the world. there, i said it. i truly believe that. i don't think the internet itself is to blame. i think companies like tik tok, instagram, the app formerly known as twitter, all preyed upon us. maybe not twitter. but as for the social media apps, they were initially 'designed for connection' but now are designed for addiction. addiction feels like such a silly word for an app that shows you how to make a fantastic spicy gochujang pasta, or lets you watch a fist fight that broke out on hollywood blvd. i mean what other app could produce a collective, yet remote, manhunt, bonding us, if only for a moment. but it is an addiction. i myself have lost hours, days, maybe weeks of my life. let's break for commercial and do the math.

at least a year. a solid year of my life gone with the fucking wind. i've never even seen that film. i could have watched it 1,854 times in the time i spent on social media.

i am at a crossroads. i want my life back. i want the magic back. what if we all just...stopped? what if? the pipeline of tiktoks i make to money in my bank account is a steadfast one, and i feel trapped beyond comprehension. but you, who sits there scrolling for hours on end, what is your business here?

[heavenwasreal]

LOOK AT THIS DOG. Perfection.

[heavenwasreal]

photobooth museum, los angeles, ca. jan 11, 2026

[heavenwasreal]

date night 2026

[heavenwasreal]

by far one of my favorite film photos i've ever taken. chapel in cook's meadow, yosemite, 2023.

[heavenwasreal]

good formica and my 34 year old legs

[heavenwasreal]

this blog is for archival purposes but i've fallen off the last few years. in all honesty, the happier i got, the less i blogged. but amidst all the happiness, something horrible happened, and i didn't write it here--until now.

on october 3, 2024, my mom passed away. it still feels surreal typing it. i loved her deeply. i love her deeply, still. i will continue to write about her, to chronicle my memories, to write our stories into permanence. but for now, that update is all i can muster.

[heavenwasreal]

man alive, man alive

i think i burned my hand again

[heavenwasreal]

this was my second boyfriend's band, and i loved it (and at the time, him) so much. this song isn't my favorite of theirs. that's me in the photo, by the way. he took that photo of me in a costume shop in westwood, september of 2013. i look back on that era fondly. i wonder if he looks on it fondly, too.