Heednly

http://heednly.com Real People, Real Connections, Real Community, Real Fun!

[heednly]

Dealing With Other Peoples Lifestyle Boundaries

It’s all part of the Lifestyle – boundaries, or agreements as I like to also call them. Lifestyle people don’t tend to like the term “rules” and who can blame them, rules feel like a restriction on freedom, which is contradictory to this whole Lifestyle thing. Whatever word you use, every couple has some sort of boundaries and they don’t all match up with everyone else’s.

So here’s what you can do to make your Lifestyle experience painless for everyone:

Find out what their Lifestyle boundaries are so no one accidentally does something that hasn’t been agreed upon and creating a whole drama scene out of Days of Our Lives (no one wants that) and make sure you share what you are ok and not ok with so they are equally aware of where you are at.

Give each other permission and agree to speak up if for whatever reason, the boundaries change throughout the night, either to being more relaxed or more restricted so there is no guesswork. That way everyone can feel ok about making a change if all of a sudden they feel uncomfortable with something in the moment (it happens).

Be relaxed and flexible with people when it comes to their Lifestyle boundaries, which means don’t make a fuss when they spell them out (this includes rolling your eyes, asking “really?” or showing any kind of annoyance), particularly if their boundaries are more restrictive than yours. If you take the attitude of “whatever you both need, that’s fine with us” then they’ll love playing with you, because not only are you easy to be with, but they can feel comfortable in perhaps relaxing on the original boundaries.

Ultimately if they feel like their Lifestyle boundaries, relationships and partner is being respected, you go a long way to helping them build both trust in you and in each other. This trust is a big factor in feeling safe and secure and it’s the one requirement that has to be filled to kick off a reassessing the boundaries. You want them to do this so you can eventually be given an all access pass to their Lifestyle playground. That sounds a little raunchy, now doesn’t it!

Dealing With Other Peoples Lifestyle Boundaries was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

How to Organize A Sensational Lifestyle House Party

It’s no secret that it’s not your regular soiree when you have Lifestyle people over “for dinner”, take that how you want… There is more than just the food you have to take into account when it comes to taking the night from dinner to mind-blowing orgasmic and memorable for weeks afterwards.

Here are my suggestions for Lifestyle party awesomeness, at least to start with as there really are heaps of options if you get really creative:

Have some kind of Lifestyle theme to the night, not necessarily a superhero type theme but perhaps something more subtle and alluring such as having a “black” party where all guests must wear only black, or for those who are a little more adventurous “Leather and Lace”, or you could just have something simple as “Cocktail Dress” with a “Lace for Less” clause so dress for a cocktail party on the outside and your sexiest underwear for later… Gentleman can choose sexy boxer briefs if lace isn’t their thing, but hey, no judgment.

Set the mood in the space with lights! There is something to be said for soft lighting, so candle light (where they can’t be knocked over by any wayward limbs of course), a few strings of mini lanterns or other ambient lighting options are all ideal for flirting, fun and any other f words you care to come up with.

“Sensational” is in the detail… Think about what you would want to feel, see, touch, smell, taste… for instance, there is something super sexy when you’re completely naked and laying on a super comfortable couch covered in a insanely soft blanket, lots of cushions and space for play, it’s nice and warm, mood music, some scented oils burning (not too strong though), and perhaps a bowl of strawberries with melted chocolate for… snacks… or whatever…

Choose guests who are all similar in physical tastes making it likely they’ll have trouble choosing just one or two others to play with!   Even better if you know they already have an attraction to each other and have played before.

Have a plan for how the evening should flow so no one gets bored but there is enough time for each part.   So decide on changeover times from mingle/socialising time (very important if your guests don’t all know each other), to food time if you’re eating (oh and here’s a tip – go for dishes without garlic or strong lingering flavours), then have some tricks and ideas for icebreakers to move from clothed and socializing to naked and… well, a much more intimate socializing. You can even preframe the guests that when the bell rings, it’s time to change into sexy lingerie or underwear for part two of the evening. The best part

Go nuts on number three for a decadent experience… Full sensory Lifestyle nights are AMAZING!

How to Organize A Sensational Lifestyle House Party was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

The Lifestyle: the Secret to a Happy Relationship?

It’s not the only way to create a happy relationship but for a great many couples, yes it definitely is! Couples retreats, therapy, personal development have all played their roles in helping people create a happy and thriving relationship but that doesn’t work for everyone… Even with all of that, some are still struggling.

There are a large amount of couples in the world that are bored and stuck in monotony monogamy and I believe that’s because they are not naturally monogamous. They are doing what they’ve been programmed to do, just be with each other.

They live a life of variety in so many other ways but when it comes to sex once we’re in a committed relationship, we’re somehow programmed to limit ourselves to the entree part of the menu. But what if even when you were single you never got to enjoy everything on the dessert menu?

I say life can’t end until you’ve tried EVERYTHING in and out of the Lifestyle that you can!

The Lifestyle becomes the restaurant where you invite your partner to join you in trying and enjoying on offer and repeatedly if you really love it.

The other Lifestyle relationship benefit people find is that the conversations open up; couples start talking about all of their fantasies, their curiosities and other things they may never have dared to talk about before, but now because the Lifestyle is on the table, it opens the doors to experiencing so much more.

The support factor also skyrockets as you both dare to share, listen and opt to support or encourage each other in this new way of lusting, loving and living together.   How can a relationship not be happy when you both feel comfortable enough to say what you want to explore or experience and you’re met with “ok, let’s see how we can arrange that for you/us”?

Our sexuality is our most vulnerable area and while in everyday relationships that support and encouragement is there for our careers and other life changes, when we have the same level of encouragement and support in our sex life, something magical happens!

I haven’t even mentioned how alive people feel when they get to let go and explore or express different aspects of their sexuality without restriction… The amount of gratitude and appreciation for the person who gives you that kind of freedom is massive.

So is the Lifestyle the secret to a happy relationship? YES it absolutely can be and it was for me. What about you?

  The Lifestyle: the Secret to a Happy Relationship? was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

The Lifestyle Fantasy List of Experiences to Try

There are so many things to try in the Lifestyle so we thought we’d take a few moments to give you a short raunchy list to inspire your imagination!

A Lifestyle orgy… Let’s face it, it had to be in here! An all in mix of naked bodies with hands, tongues and sexy parts galore to play with and be played with by. An over stimulation of pleasure with at least four other people, lots of kissing, caressing and then some for hours and hours… Just make sure you have a lot of lube and condoms (safety note: put on a new condom every time you switch partners for more than just a bit of kissing and foreplay).

A gang bang, for those who want to be the centre of attention! That’s the difference between an orgy and a gang bang, the focus. An orgy is an all in where the focus is on everyone, a gang bang is where one person is the focus of all the penetration. Don’t be afraid to stand up and say you want to experience this either, no judgment! Many women I’ve met in the Lifestyle have wanted to try this, hell, I’ve even done it myself once but it’s not limited to women either, for those bi/bi-curious men, you can do this too.

Multiple threesomes! I say multiple because there are just so many configurations you can try (M=Male, F=Female): MFM or FMF but then you get to choose the dynamic such as singular focus where both males lavish their attention on the one female (or females to the one male), or you can enjoy a bisexual experience where the two males (or females) enjoy each other and the single female (or male) watches or joins in a little… OR it’s a full on all in multi-directional experience (definitely need to be bi-bi/curious for that one) where it’s all three kissing, playing and lost in sexual pleasure (I have to admit, that’s one of my personal favorites!)

A couple experience. You could do a foursome with two Lifestyle couples enjoying each other in the same space or you could do a full couple swap of partners for the night! Most newbie’s start with the foursome and when the relationship is stronger, the full swap (not always the case though, just go with what you’re comfortable with).

A sexy Lifestyle event! Events which attract hundreds or thousands of people who take over a night club or venue, dressed in super sexy costumes or underwear, it’s social, flirty, sexy and heaps of fun. A fabulous way to meet new people and then plan for an after-party to take the fun from the dance floor to the bedroom (or bedroom floor).

These are just a handful of ideas and as time goes on, I’m sure you’ll see plenty of other articles which will give you even more ideas. As you get into this Lifestyle you’ll also meet people who will share some of their experiences, which will inspire you to want to try them too.  Keep a list somewhere that you can tick off as you go for the fun of it, and feel free to share other things you find to put on your list here!

The Lifestyle Fantasy List of Experiences to Try was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Heednly Sponsors Freedom Acres Grand Opening!

Freedom Acre’s is a newly established 44 acre clothing optional, swingers resort. They are having their Grand Opening on Saturday and our own Charles Ridgeway will be in attendance with Heednly goodies to share with the attendees. The attendance looks to be incredible with numbers in the several thousand. 

The event is located in the foothills of San Bernardino just 5 minutes from the Ontario International Airport. 

Here is a link to the event: Freedom Acres Grand Opening!

The Heednly staff is looking forward to seeing you there!

    Heednly Sponsors Freedom Acres Grand Opening! was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

More Strange and Fun Facts About Sex!

In the spirit of continued education, we’ve decided to fill your brain with more fun (and sometimes strange!) facts about sex. After all, what is better than being the guy (or gal!) who can share this information with those less worldly and wise? So go on, young grasshopper and take your wisdom out in to the world! 

♥, Heednly

  No diet required!: A teaspoon of semen contains approximately 5 calories. Skip that extra piece of pie and grab yourself a penis! Your waist will thank you!

Buckets of Cum (literally!): In his lifetime, the average male will ejaculate 17 litres of semen. That is equal to about half a trillion tiny little swimmers!

Let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel: Besides humans, only bonobos and dolphins have sex for pleasure.

Pussy galore!: There are about 1000 euphemisms for vagina in the English language.

Vice Grip: The average vagina decreases in size by 30% during orgasm. Gentlemen, if she isn’t “tight” enough for you, maybe you are doing it wrong!

You can’t fight Mother Nature: Sneezes and orgasms are the only two physiological responses that can’t be stopped once started.

Know thyself: The average woman can masturbate herself to orgasm within 4 minutes. Through intercourse, it takes an average of 10 to 20.

Chill out: According to experts, sex is about 10 times as effective for stress relief compared to Valium.

Dirty Girls (and we like it!): About 1 in 5 women who live with their significant other have sex with more than that one partner.

She’s electrifying!: Did you know that the clitoris, regardless of size, has roughly 8000 nerve fibers? That is roughly twice as many as the penis. No penis envy for her!

Kinky is better: Research shows that people who engage in kinky sex are usually psychologically healthier than their conservative counterparts

She’s so accommodating: The average vagina is 4 inches long but can expand by 200% when sexually aroused.

Leave ‘em on!: A woman’s ass sticks out 25% more when wearing heels. See? Those Jimmy Choo’s were worth it after all.

Proof that most people lie about sexual history: A recent study showed that women, on average, have 4 sexual partners in their lifetime. The men copped to an average of 7. 

More Strange and Fun Facts About Sex! was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Swinging Lifestyle Etiquette; The Do's and Don't's

You’d be forgiven in thinking that it’s “anything goes” here in the swinging lifestyle because in may ways that’s true, however, there are some very big no-no’s that you should be aware of.  The basic rule is to treat others as you want to be treated and treat other people’s partners as you would like them to treat yours… That should be written on a rock tablet somewhere!

So here are the more important swinging lifestyle etiquettes… Follow these and you won’t get blacklisted or upset the people you want to be chasing you because you are so unbelievably sexy and awesome (we know you are, just go with it):

“No” means “No” or sometimes it’s a politer way of saying “HELL NO, I REALLY DON’T WANT TO!”  If you proposition someone or their partner and they say “no” or “no thanks”, they shouldn’t have to justify or explain themselves.  That’s your cue to wish them a nice evening and walk away.  No one likes a pushy or overly persistent person, that behaviour is NOT COOL.

Respect ALL boundaries!  First of all you should always find out what they are and then make sure you play within them.  There is no and, if’s or but’s on this one, and no butt’s either.  Boundaries are where a person’s comfort zone stops or where their relationship agreements stop.  If you want to be invited to play again or even to get a bit further next time, always play within their boundaries. Just as you would want someone to respect and not try to push you outside your boundaries, don’t do it to others no matter how silly you think their boundary is.  Playing within the boundaries is how you build up trust which his huge in the swinging lifestyle.

Always get permission before doing something to someone or his or her partner.  You may have had a talk about boundaries but people can feel like things and not feel like things in the moment, so it’s good etiquette to just check “is it ok if I bend your partner over and use this 10” strap on?”  He or she may have used it every day for a month and not be in the mood for it that night.  It happens…

Don’t tell other people the real identities of your playmates.  While you may be open and honest with everyone about everything in your life, not everyone is so have respect for other people’s privacy.  Some people’s lives would be turned upside down if their swinging secret got out, and not in a good way.

Don’t kiss and tell!  It’s all well and good to tell people you had a great play date with a person or couple, but it’s not good manners to share whom it was or give them a performance critique.  Don’t chat about how good or bad someone was; their fetishes or quirky habits, how loud they were, how crooked their penis was, how small their breasts were, how quick they came, or how long it took them to get up, how wet or dry she was, and she came how many times…?  We’re not all porn star performers and we all have good nights, and some bad.  Either way, someone else doesn’t need to know the details.

Hygiene!  Please always prepare for playtime by showering, washing all your bits and being as clean and as fresh as possible.  There is nothing worse than playing with someone who smells like they haven’t showered in a week or kissing someone with bad breath.  Ewwww!  Showers and mouthwash just before the swinging event at the very least people.  Don’t make me punish you for bad odour!

Take your own safe sex protection, lube and toys (this goes for  alcohol and drugs if you into those things).  This is not a written rule, nor a universal one as some people don’t mind sharing but don’t assume this is the case.  Always bring your own, especially if you’re a larger or smaller man than the average (I’m specifically addressing penis size here) because most people/clubs provide the standard size condoms if any at all. If playing safe is important to you, bring your own!  That way you’ll never have to make the decision to play or not to play unprotected.

Hint:  Always have your swinging toys and safe sex bits handy, in the designated play zone! There’s nothing worse than being ready to dive in then having to stop to go and get it from the car outside… have it all within arms reach!

Don’t share pictures of your playmates online or off.  First of all you should always ask them before you take the photos and ask if they are ok with you sharing them or posting.  They’ll tell you what they’re ok with but if nothing is said, assume you cannot share anything which has any identifying features in the shot; faces, tattoo’s birthmarks etc.  If you put pictures up on your online swingers profile, other places on the internet or email them to people, make sure that you take out all faces and distinguishing features before posting.  Chances are, if they are happy to be in the pictures to start with, they aren’t too concerned and likely would be ok as long as you can’t see them in it.

Be Punctual! If you’ve arranged a meet and greet, or a play date, turn up at the specified time.  This isn’t a swinger specific rule; it’s a general rule in manners and respect.  By now you have a contact number to call, so call it and let them know if you’re going to be late as soon as you know you are going to be and by how long approximately.  If you are notoriously late, aim to be there early and you may get there on time.

Don’t give out other peoples contact details! This includes chat program handles, email addresses or phone numbers without their permission.  Commonsense you’d think, but it seems not for all.  Let them give those details out on their own or ask them first before you pass them on.

Include both partners.  This means when you are connecting with another couple as a couple or as a single, respect the relationship above all else.  You need to gain the approval of the other partner for you to engage with theirs so make sure you are communicating with them and connect to gain their permission to enjoy time with their partner.  If the partner doesn’t like you or says no, the person you want to play with becomes a no go zone.  And even if you do all the right things, some people just won’t like you so let it go and move on.  It’s bad etiquette to keep trying.

At the end of the day, if you’re not sure what’s ok, just ask the other people involved what they’re comfortable with and you’ll soon find out where the boundaries are and if you stay within them, you’ll continue to keep a good reputation in the swinging lifestyle and people will want to keep playing with you.  They may even recommend you to their other swinging friends and that’s what you want!

  Swinging Lifestyle Etiquette; The Do’s and Don’t’s was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Are You Swinging For the Wrong Reasons?

There are a lot of great reasons to enter the swinging lifestyle (which is in another article all together) but it’s always good to check in that you aren’t swinging for the wrong reasons, as they are often the reasons which lead to massive unnecessary relationship turmoil and breakups.

Entering the swinging lifestyle to keep your partner happy.  This usually happens when one wants to start swinging and the other says yes just to keep their partner happy for fear losing them if they don’t.  The problem is, it feeds and intensifies the feelings of insecurity and not being good enough, when these feelings become overwhelming, behaviours become erratic and the person becomes even more emotionally sensitive and very needy.  In the end the problems are not addressed and it drives the other partner to into the arms of a less complicated, sexy playmate thus the fear of loss becomes the reality.  Being completely honest from the start means moving at a pace both are comfortable with, making this journey one which creates opportunities to build a stronger relationship.

You just want to have sex with other people because there are issues in your own sex life.  In not addressing the issues, they remain.  It’s not rocket science.  If you aren’t getting enough connection and sexual touch in your relationship, or your partner really isn’t doing it for you anymore then you NEED to speak to them and discuss how you can address it together.  They may not be aware of how bad the situation is for you so if you dare to be open and honest, you could fix the issue.  Also, talking them into swinging may just end up backfiring because you may not be doing it for them either!

To fix a bad relationship.  While there are definitely cases where swinging has helped, if the key foundations are not there such as awesome communication, a commitment to the agreements, a willingness to be flexible/fluid and to negotiate, and a mutual love and respect for each other, then using swinging to fix an already failing relationship is likely to fast track the inevitable.  If divorce or separation isn’t something you want, focus on fixing the key areas of your relationship first then come and join us in the swinging lifestyle.

Ultimately it’s important both partners are swinging because they actually want to and are doing it for their themselves.

If not then some conversations need to be had around the reasons why.  Sometimes this conversation reveals not only the real problem, but it opens the door to pursuing solutions such as coaching, exploring sex together or individual personal development which his going to help any relationship whether you join swing or not.

  Are You Swinging For the Wrong Reasons? was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Durex Rocks the Lifestyle

In their latest ad campaign, Durex (http://www.durex.com) brings the Lifestyle to the mainstream audience with this fantastic animation of balloon animals. Our staff could not stop laughing! Enjoy!

     Remember to stay safe! 

        Durex Rocks the Lifestyle was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Who Should Beginner Lifestyle Couples Start With? – Part 1

There are really only two camps of people in this question, should beginners play with beginners or should they play with experienced lifestyle couples?

Let’s explore what it’s like to play with other beginners in the lifestyle:

Playing with other beginners can feel awkward because no one quite knows what to do; it’s like the first time two virgins have sex, anyone else remember that? Getting play started can sometimes take forever or not happen at all due to everyone’s lack of confidence or knowledge in how to get play started.

Unless there is someone in the room that is naturally good at flirting and escalating, it can be difficult to move from conversation to orgasmic, naked, pleasure.

Another down side is if something emotional comes up for one couple or one partner in a couple, beginners are generally not sure, or not equipped, to handle it (from either side).

Since being in The Lifestyle is still quite new, the couple having the issue are not likely to know how to process what’s going on, let-a-lone deal with it with an audience. And the couple who are observing may not have the confidence or thoughts to suggest a recess or to stop at that point. They may also be oblivious that there is an issue…

Not knowing what to look for means those early warning signs could be missed, resulting in an unpleasant experience, one couple ending up in a fight or emotional mess, or someone doing something they later regret because they didn’t feel comfortable in speaking up at the time. This happens, even with experienced couples.

The up side is that you don’t know what you don’t know so there are fewer expectations, which can be a good thing. Being that beginners mostly don’t know exactly what to expect in The Lifestyle, you are more likely to be a little more fluid and flexible with how the encounter goes. Going in with some solid expectations can lead to disappointment if things don’t go the way you planned. Hint hint here: having no expectations is the way to go…

The beauty about playing with other lifestyle beginners is that everyone is just as nervous as everyone else! There’s something almost bonding about that alone because it’s something you have in common and as a starting platform for conversation and play… potentially.

Beginners with beginners means you’re all likely to take things slower, so the pace can be more comfortable as you all explore this new paradigm together.

Beginners with experienced couples has it’s own list of pro’s and con’s which is detailed in part two!

  Who Should Beginner Lifestyle Couples Start With? – Part 1 was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Directory - Coming Soon!

Thanks for taking a visit to our LifeStyle Directory. Our staff is putting together a very cohesive directory of events. Check back soon for the update!

Cheers,

Charles

Directory – Coming Soon! was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Swinging Lifestyle 101

So you’re curious or starting to chat about potentially opening up your sex life to include either a bit of play with others, or full on sex; threesomes, foursomes or moresomes, because you want some variety, you want to explore, you want to walk on the wild and naughty side of life together… And who can blame you?  Millions of other couples do it!  Yes, and the Joneses are here already…

If you want variety, spice, adventure and to explore the many aspects of sex and sexuality, you’re come to the right place!  The swinging lifestyle has all of that and then some!

Life and love will never be the same, it can be even better than you imagined if you have done all the preparation, are doing it for the right reasons and you’ve got solid relationship foundations!  After that, the rest is erotic, stimulating and electric.

In this article I’m going to share some of the very basic steps to getting involved but keep in mind there are other articles you should read for more detail on all of these.

Decide on your boundaries together.  I always say it’s best to start with the boundaries that will allow the most hesitant and anxious partner feel the most safe.  I promise you won’t stay at the same level of restriction for eternity but you do need to know where the boundaries are so collaborate and commit to your agreements to create security coming into the swinging lifestyle

Decide on your communication strategies for keeping each other in the loop when one or both of you are talking to potential playmates, and strategies for communicating when you’re in your first experience.  A lack of agreed on strategies can lead to major hiccups which can stop the journey in its track and they are hiccups which can be avoided.

Decide on who your ideal playmates are.  Define their physical attributes, their personalities, the things they are looking for, their behaviours and give yourself a range (upper and lower) in all of those criteria.  Decide what your deal breakers are so you know when it’s time to stop putting in effort with those who are really not a good match for you both.  Also keep in mind that who you think you’ll only play with may change because let’s face it, you aren’t going into this looking for another life partner and many find themselves playing with people who are a bit larger, hairier or different physical attributes than they would be attracted to because there is just something about them and it’s surprising what amazing sexual techniques other people have, I’ve had a bunch of fantastic surprises so be open to being with someone outside your “ideal” criteria.

Don’t be in a rush!  Easier said than done, I know, but as much as you’re excited and hanging to join in the swinging fun, rushing in unprepared can be detrimental to your relationship and you may not get the wow experience you are hoping for.  Take your time to get to know your potential playmates, there are plenty of people in the lifestyle now so you can take your time to find your ideal playmates so if something feels a bit off or there is no spark, you can move on

Be prepared to be REAL and honest with others!   I don’t mean you need to tell them your real names, real professions or location, I’m talking about being real and honest in your intentions and communication of where you are both at. There is nothing worse than stringing others along when you have no intention of taking the next step or having sex with them.  Get used to being honest which is perhaps not what you did when you were in the dating scene as a single person but in this lifestyle it is good form to let them know you aren’t interested.  Rejection is a natural part of this lifestyle and definitely not the end of the world nor an indicator of how sexy or how awesome you aren’t.

Learn about the etiquette, yes there is swingers etiquette (ways of behaving) even in the swinging lifestyle, which is built on respect and permission.  You don’t want to accidentally offend anyone you want to enjoy more than just a bit of time with, so make sure you know how to behave and operate to escape any newbie fumbles or reputation destroying incidents

Know your own body and hot buttons and those of your partner so you can teach your playmates how you work and short cut the get-to-know-you phase in bed substantially and get straight into the good feeling sex!  It doesn’t help anyone if you just let your playmate do what they do which does nothing for you, or you can see that your partner is really not turned on and enjoying themselves.  There are some constructive ways of communicating what you need your playmate to do without making them feel inadequate so make sure you know how to do that!

Go in with NO expectations.  Going into events and personal meetings with an expectation of there being mind-blowing sexual escapades and fun sexy times is what creates disappointment when things don’t line up and happen the way you have planned and played out in your head.  If you are going to have any kind of expectation, have one which is an expectation that you are going to find a way to enjoy the experience no matter what and then if sex happens, it’s a bonus

Don’t take rejection personally, not everyone is going to want to have sex with you so just as you aren’t attracted to everyone who will approach you.  There are more than enough fish in the sea, so to speak, so allow them to say “no thanks” and move on.  All they are saying is “no thanks, there is no sexual attraction or spark for us” which is something they have no control over.  So just as you would like those you reject to just say “that’s fine” and leave you alone, do the same for those people who were honest enough to communicate that you are just not for them.

Decide where you want to start; online and personal meetings with couples and/or singles, swingers clubs/events, swingers conventions or swingers holidays.  Each have their own pro’s and con’s for beginners so do your research to find out more about them and decide what you feel comfortable starting with and also create a list of what else you may want to explore in the future when you are both ready to explore it.

So go and do your research, prepare yourselves and get mentoring or coaching if you are still anxious/not sure or want someone to hold your hand through this transition as it is the biggest danger zone of the whole process.  The transition phase is where your relationship is the most vulnerable because you’re moving from the certainty and security of traditional monogamy to a relationship model with the usual rules don’t apply.

Preparation is the key and so is going in with your eyes wide open; knowing what to expect, how to behave, and how to deal with different situations you may have never faced before.  Do all of these things and you are in for one wild ride and a relationship others will envy because of all the sex and fantasies you get to experience while others will only ever dream and wish they could do them!  Welcome to the swinging lifestyle!

Swinging Lifestyle 101 was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Lifestyle Etiquette for Couples

For the most part, these lifestyle rules are not advertised nor printed out and stuck up behind the bathroom door in every lifestyle person’s house (although that would be fun to explain to the in-laws when they visited).

Either way, here are some written, and unwritten, lifestyle rules but up to each couple to decide how they are going to play the game. However, there are some very big items in our Code of Contact that are “not cool” which you should be aware of.

Always get permission before doing something to someone, or to his or her partner in this lifestyle. I definitely recommend you talk about each others boundaries before any kind of play but it’s also good to ask again just before you do, particularly with new lifestyle couples. People can feel like and don’t feel in the moment so it’s good etiquette to just check “is it ok if I bend your partner over and use this 10” strap-on?” He may have used it every day for a month and just not be in the mood for it that night! Didn’t expect me to say that now did you.

Respect ALL lifestyle and personal boundaries. This really does follow on from the point above but it’s SO important I felt it should be specified in a slightly different way. No one likes a pushy person and putting pressure on others to do things they’re not sure of is NOT ON! You’ve heard it before “no means no”. Oh and just so there isn’t any confusion, “maybe” also means no because sometimes people don’t feel comfortable saying no (it’s true) and “maybe” is just a “I’d really prefer we didn’t” or “no” in disguise. Only proceed if you get a definite yes either verbally or… Well if they strip you naked and pin you against the wall with a deeply passionate kiss, you can probably take that as a “yes”!

It’s not polite, nor acceptable, to share the real identities of your playmates with anyone whether they are in the lifestyle or not! This one is a BIG “don’t” and can get you in massive trouble with the people whose secret life you leak because you just never know what the ramifications could be for them. Many people don’t actively tell others about their open lifestyle so while you may be open and honest about everything in your life with everyone in it, not everyone is and it’s about having respect for other people’s privacy.

Don’t kiss and tell with people inside or outside the lifestyle. It’s ok to tell people you’re meeting a “person” or “couple” for playtime, but probably not good manners to share who that is and even less acceptable for you to give a performance critique! Don’t chat about how good or bad someone was; their fetishes or quirky habits, how loud they were, how crooked their penis was, how small their breasts were, how quick they came, or how long it took them to get up, how wet or dry she was, she came how many times? We’re not all porn star performers! (Oops, did I say that out loud?)

Don’t talk about your caring and sharing lifestyle; if you’re invited to a mainstream/non-lifestyle event by your playmate/s, and definitely don’t talk about the hosts sharing lifestyle for that matter. Being at a non-lifestyle event means acting like a mainstream person. It is best to stay well off the topic, which is a hard one I know, as fun as it would be to see their faces when you tell them about the raunchy times you all have together on the couch they’re currently sitting on… don’t give in to temptation! And don’t drink or engage in mood enhancing substances (aka drugs) if they screw up the filter that enables good decision-making or makes you REALLY honest.

This one is critical – hygiene! Please, please, please always prepare for playtime by showering, and dare I say, cleaning every fold and crevasse on your body so you are clean and fresh by the time you get naked again. On top of genital cleanliness, don’t forget the ears, underarms (deodorant is a MUST – no negotiation on this one)

Bring your own protection, lube and toys.  When you turn up for a date where you have intentions of getting naked and playful, don’t assume your hosts will cater to your protection and pleasure needs. This is not a written rule nor a universal one, some people don’t mind sharing but don’t assume this is the case, always bring your own, especially if protection is important to you, you have particular size needs or  you have a particular favored toy which helps mama get in the zone.

Hint: Always have both the toys and protection handy and in the designated play zone; there is nothing worse than being ready to dive in and then having to stop to go and get the bits you need from the car outside in the freezing cold. I promise you, it cools everything down so think ahead and have it all within arm’s reach. Tissues or towels too while we’re on the topic.

Don’t share pictures of other people.  If you put pictures up on your online profile, social media walls or other places on the Internet, or you like to email them to people, make sure that you take out the faces or distinguishing features of the other people in it. You might like to share, but they may not want the world to see their bare ass show up in their news feed. Also, ask their permission to before you do so. Even with their identity not distinguishable, they may still not like you showing them off. That said, if they are happy to be in the pictures to start with, chances are that they aren’t too concerned and would be ok just as long as you can’t tell it’s them in it.

Be punctual and reliable.  If you’ve arranged a meet and greet, or a play date, turn up at the specified time and with anything you promised you’d bring! This isn’t a lifestyle specific rule; it’s a general rule in manners. By now you’d have a number to call, so call it or text it and let them know if you’re going to be late or can’t make it, as a general courtesy.

Don’t give out other peoples contact details.  This includes Facebook profiles, email or phone numbers (or any contact information) without their permission, even if it’s to a person you saw them entwined with in the corner earlier in the night. Common sense you’d think, but not for all. It’s up to them to give out their details if they want someone to be able to contact them. The person you just saw them get all hot and sweaty with may not be someone they want as an ongoing connection, so unless they specifically give you permission or instructions to share, don’t.

If you follow the code of conduct above then you’ll be considered a fairly well behaved lifestyler (which is what you want) but if in doubt, ask the other people involved what they are comfortable with and you’ll soon find out what rules they are playing by, especially if there are any extra’s I haven’t covered here.

Now go hit the playground, play nice and enjoy!

    Lifestyle Etiquette for Couples was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Spoon Me, Yes Please!

Spooning is a simple but easy way of spicing up your sex life. It doesn’t even have to be about sex, showing affection with spooning can be quite a sensual experience. The about having someone in your arms, gently stroking their skin, or being held and snuggled with.

Bending Spoons

Spooning is a position in which two partners will lie in relation to one another, usually the man behind the woman (if a man and woman, which it might not necessarily be). Their legs are usually bent at their knees giving that spoon shape.

Surprise Spoon

“What is spooning good for?” you might ask, well quite a few things and its a simple little addition to your bedroom antics that will help you mix things up a bit. For instance you can easily surprise them first thing in the morning with some wake up sex by slipping it in, using the spooning position. Ensure that you are using lubrication surprise your partner with too much friction.

Ease Into It

If you’re trying to get into anal and want to ease your partner into it and make it as pain-free as possible, the spooning position is great! This is due to the muscles around the anus being more relaxed due to their bum being rested against the bed as opposed to helping support them, like it would with a position such as doggy where they’re upright.

All Access Area

Spooning is great for easy access so to speak should you fancy getting a little ‘hands on’ in foreplay as you can reach their chest, genitals, anus, pretty much everywhere! How about giving them a massage they will never forget using the spooning position, use some baby oil or massage candle wax to slick yourselves up and rub your bodies against one another as you work their entire body with your hands.

All At Once

Sex toys can be easily taken advantage in a position like this, imagine vibrating nipple clamps, a butt plug and vibrator all at once thanks to the spooning position as your partner’s body is wide open and if you’re behind them you have every area imaginable within your reach.

So next time you’re brainstorming what position to try next or what kinky things you can try out, it could be as simple as thinking of a certain piece of cutlery to give you sensual inspiration.

Spoon Me, Yes Please! was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Swinging 101: Swinging vs. Polyamory. What is the Difference?

One of the most common areas of confusion for those new to the lifestyle is defining the difference between swinging and polyamory. The definition is pretty clear cut but the relationship between the two remains a subject of debate.

By definition:

pol·y·am·o·ry

ˌpälēˈamərē/

noun

1. the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

 swing·ing

noun

1. a person or thing that swings

2. slang. a lively, active, and modern person whose activities are fashionable or trendy

3. slang. a person who indulges in promiscuous sex

4. slang. a person who engages in the exchanging of spouses for sexual activities 

——————–

As you can see, the difference is that a poly amorous person(s) is someone who is defined as someone who has a romantic relationship or involvement with more than one person at the same time where as a swinger is defined as a person(s) who has a sexual relationship or involvement with more than one person at the same time.

 Easy enough, right? Unfortunately, no because the line between the two is more than a little blurry. Both are part of a broader lifestyle choice of maintaining “open relationships”. They are similar in that they both often involve more than two people sexually and they rely on openness and honesty as the basis of the relationships. But there are some differences that are very important to note when exploring the two:

Sex vs. Relationships: This is the key distinction between the two. Swinging connections are based on sex as recreation. Typically, friendship is the only emotional attachment and it may not even be a necessary component. In poly amorous relationships, deep and meaningful connections (aka love) exist between multiple people and sex is almost always enjoyed in the same way as if in a monogamous, one-on-one relationship. Falling in love with more than one person is non-threatening to these relationships. Conversely, falling in love would be considered threatening in most core couples who are in the swing lifestyle.

Discretion vs. Openness: More often than not, swinging is treated as something best conducted “behind closed doors” or, in other words, with discretion and respect for all partners privacy. Social stigma is a big factor for most swingers who often do not want to disclose to “vanilla” friends, family, co-workers, employers, etc. due to often conservative, negative judgments surrounding their lifestyle choice. Their events and interactions are usually arranged by other swinging couples or attended at private clubs, conventions or in other swinger friendly environments. Poly amorous people are usually in long term relationships and seek to be as “out” as they possibly can be in order to honor the connection between those that they love. Their partners usually spend time with them as they would if in a “traditional” relationship.

Monogamy vs. Non-monogamy: Swinging, though generally couple-centric, is in many ways monogamously based. Couples maintain their core relationship while allowing for non-fidelity due to the lifestyle being built on sexual and not emotional needs. Swinging, when done successfully, is not threatening to the couples emotionally monogamous relationship. In poly amorous relationships, there is not one“core” couple as that would threaten the other relationships within the family. Instead, each relationship is viewed as an individual coupling with no one of them being more important than the other.

Swinging and polyamory have many overlapping commonalities, thus the confusion and debate that swirls around distinguishing the two types of relationships. It’s quite easy to find poly people who still swing and swingers who develop poly relationships. And there are plenty of open-minded people in this broad relationship spectrum who don’t really find a need to worry about the terminology. They just want to live life on their terms, both sexually and emotionally.

  Swinging 101: Swinging vs. Polyamory. What is the Difference? was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Jealousy In The Swinging Lifestyle

Is it there?  Is it normal?  Is it possible to dissolve it?  Well I have good news and more good news for you…. Yes, yes and yes are the answers to those questions.  Cue a sigh of relief!  *phew*

Like in life, the swinging lifestyle is no different in that all emotions and issues still exist, some magnified more than others but it also includes some extra awesome highs and some mind-blowing erotic experiences in it (so it can be totally worth some of the upsets).

Jealousy turns up in multiple forms, the most common is where one partner of a couple feels jealousy when sharing their significant other, or jealous of the attention they are receiving.

Other jealousy which shows up but is less common is playmates becoming jealous of one of the partners within the couple (the one that isn’t the focus of their affection/desire) or jealous of the couples other playmates getting all of their attention… And you’d be right in thinking they shouldn’t but it still happens!  Imagine someone else playing with your new favourite toy, sometimes you just don’t want to share!

The common denominator is that we are all HUMAN!  Who knew?  And with these sexy and somewhat complicated human bodies, comes emotions, which aren’t always rational or easily controlled.

Jealousy also comes in different flavours and I’m not talking vanilla versus chocolate (although I’m a big fan of chocolate!), jealousy can be a real resentment feeling with anger and frustration, a possessiveness/ownership feeling or it can be a feeling of “missing”, when things are happening and a person is not involved either in the action in the same room or in the action happening at a different physical location.

I’ve been in the swinging lifestyle since 2006 (officially) and I am generally not a jealousy person at all but there have been times where I’ve felt more the “missing” style jealousy and it has often just been a warning light to let me know I needed to address something which was happening inside my mind.  I worked it out and took new action then we were back to sweet and sexy harmony.

So yes, jealousy is in the swinging lifestyle, yes it’s normal and yes it can be dissolved if those who are feeling it are willing to pinpoint the real issue and deal with it (this is where I come in, of course).  The first step to dissolving it is being honest enough to admit you are feeling it…

  Jealousy In The Swinging Lifestyle was originally published on Heednly

[heednly]

Strange and Fun Facts About Sex That Everyone Should Know

We love a good fun fact, especially one’s about sex. Fun facts about sex make great ice-breakers at parties and can even be used to shock your in-laws after church on Sunday! Use these with care though! We don’t want to get you in trouble! 

♥, Heednly

  Hysterical Pleasure:  Vibrators were originally invented in the 19th century as a way to reduce “hysteria”. The vibrator was, in fact, invented by respectable Victorian doctors, who grew tired of bringing female patients to orgasm using their fingers alone, and so dreamt up a device to do the job for them. Their invention was regarded as a reputable medical instrument – no more improper than a stethoscope – but became wildly popular among Victorian and Edwardian gentlewomen, who soon began buying vibrators for themselves. Who are we to argue with the good doctors? 

Orgasms are good for your health:  No surprises here because every time we have one, we certainly feel better. But scientific evidence also shows that they have been known to lower the risk of breast cancer, stroke, heart disease and depression. Get busy to get healthy and happy!

“P” and Sex:  Did you know that your body releases an anti-diuretic hormone when you orgasm, to prohibit peeing on your partner (or yourself!). But don’t let that deter you. Holding it too long can lead to risk of infection.

Male (world) dominance?:  We were surprised to learn that a single human male produces enough sperm in the span of two weeks to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet. Prevent over population! Keep it wrapped up, guys!

Better than a treadmill:  One 30 minute of active sex can burn 200+ calories. Forget the sneakers and grab the lube instead!

Gymno-what-ia?:  No, “GYMNOPHORIA”. It’s what you have when you have the sense that someone is undressing you with their eyes.

Match-less:  In a sad case of irony, Gary Kremen, Founder of Match.com, lost his girlfriend to a man she met on Match.

That’s HARD!:  Every single second, 7 Viagra pills are sold. That’s quite a stiff number!

Frigid Swimming Conditions:  Sperm banks store donor sperm at -321 degrees Fahrenheit. At this temperature, the little swimmers can be stored indefinitely.

Not Plain Vanilla:  Demographically speaking, white women are the most likely to engage in anal sex, in particular if they hold university degrees. They teach them well in college!

    Strange and Fun Facts About Sex That Everyone Should Know was originally published on Heednly