Had a bithday party, almost no one showed up
Hi, I have not been on tumblr for a long time. But now that I need to get something off my chest, it seems the right fit.
It was my birthday 2 days ago and since I don’t have that many friends nor see them that much it felt like a good and fun idea to invite them all and have a board game night (I did one last year and it was fun) (side note, not all the people I invited knew the other people but I just thought of it as a nice way for them to get to know the others). My plan was have a fun evening together and play some games, have some snacks and some drinks. I borrowed some extra chairs from my brother. Went to the store to get drinks and snacks. I was also just so excited to see everyone, and a bit nervous because I wanted it to go well.
I invited my 2 roommates (of course they live here), my best friend, (lets call het C) and 4 other friends. So 7 in total, ... 3 showed up. My best friend, bless her, was there of course. One of my roommates (D) had to work but joined us before an after his work. And then one other friend (S) previously told me she had other plans but that she was going to try to come later and just as she promised she arrived later.
To be honest these are not the people I am closest with. Well my best friend of course is the person i am closest with but my roommate (D) was just there because he lives there and well the other friend (S) is a good friend but I have never met with just her, there are always other people there and even tho I really like hanging out with her It does not feel like we will ever just meet with the 2 of us.
Now lets talk about the other 4. One of them is my other roommate. (O) Again not someone I am very close with but still I invited her and she responded with ‘oh yeah I will come’. But with a tone I kinda sensed that she might not be there. But like I said, I’m not that close with her and also did not want to pressure in coming. She did not even come home that night. She sent a text at eleven in the evening that she was just to coasy in her boyfriends couch and was not going to come over. My party started at 7.
But well these other 3 people are people I consider good friends. People who kinda hurt me by this ordeal. But still I cant really be mad at them because, well I’ll just start from the beginning, sorry this is like super long and I guess no one is reading this but it kinda feels really good to just write it all out.
A few weeks before my birthday I realized I wanted to trow this party. I actually happened to meet with all the people I was going to invite individually so since I was sort of insecure about it I proposed the idea to all of them in person. They all responded positive and willing to come. So a bit more then a week before I send them the invite in a fb messenger message (a personal one, not in a group, I think because I was scared they would all say no and I would be embarrassing to have them all know no one was coming. I also did not send an extra invite to S because she already told me she was going to try to be there just later (and I did not want to pressure her in coming).
I also did not send an invite to my friend from work (F) because I had also asked her in person and she was sitting next to me when I sent the invite and I just let her read it. She is one of the friends that did not show up. When I asked her the first time she said ‘yes sure I will come’. Also here I sensed the tone and it was not really an excited tone. And when I showed her the text I was going to send she said something like ‘fine’ I dont really know anymore but she never told me she couldn't make it. Well The day before my party we had a work party and the day of my party itself she had to work the early shift. Also she is kinda moving house and still working in her new house. If she had told me (even the morning of my party) that she couldn’t make it for what so ever reason, that would have been fine. But she did not say one word about it. Yes I am not stupid and kinda sensed she was not coming. Well why didn’t you ask her the day before, just to know fore sure. Well because I did not want to be the pathetic girl who has to ‘beg’ people to come to my party. Cuz that is what it felt like. I also did not want to ask again to come over, for her to really come over and then that it would be just me, her and my best friend. We had lots of fun the day before on the work party but even then in the back of my head that question about my own party and whether she was coming or not was still in my mind and yes I should have asked and yes she would have said no and I wouldn’t have been able to hide the disappointment off my face. But also I just wanted to seem casual like I din’t really care that much just in case she just really didn’t want to come over. (yes I know I am sad and insecure and pathetic and I hate it)
The other friend I asked (L), she just had a knee surgery and told me she would come if the pain in her knee was not to bad. but she clearly said, I will let you know. She send me a text on my birthday saying happy birthday but never a text about my birthday party. And yes I could have asked her the day of my party if she felt better and if she will come. But again I was scared she would have said no and also just hoped she would come or send a text or so. But I understand her situation, she must have had a hard time with the knee surgery, she might have just forgot, but still she did send a text for my birthday and she really knew I was going to have a party, I’m just really conflicted here and just don’t know what it is.
Then the last friend (I), When I first told her about my plan for a birthday party she was very excited and immediately said she will come. When I send the fb message she suddenly said that that day she would be returning from a holiday that day (It’s normal for her to go on a impulsive holiday) but she did clearly say she will make it. again here I should have asked her, what time will you be back home just to check how realistic it was for her to really be there but again I did not. But still she could have thought of that herself, .... She sent a text 50 min after the start date of the party that she wasn’t going to make it. well I guess that’s something, .... I did not respond, she send an other text today saying sorry again and asking if I had fun. I responded: no it’s ok, I had fun. It was just sad you were not the only person cancelling late or not showing up. but I had fun anyway. She has been online since I responded, but she did not read it yet, guess she is very sorry.... I don’t know...
So it’s the day of the party. I had borrowed some chairs from my brother, gone to the store for some drinks and snacks. But still honestly I had the feeling they were not going to come. Yes I just should have texted them with the question but I was just hoping and maybe not ready and also did not want to seem pathetic asking them again and them saying ‘no’, or even worse pressuring them in to coming to a party they did not want to come to just because they didn’t want to say no or for whatever reason. I went to the store. My best friend arrived at 3 (of course), we played a game with my roommate (D) until he had to go to work at five. The entire time I was ready to get a text saying, I’m not going to make it, or even I will be a bit later, I would have been so happy with a text saying I will be a bit later... My best friend knew about it all and I think she could already tell no one was going to come, I think I could to but I was just hoping so much. At 6:40 I agreed with her just not to expect anyone to come and just have a fun night with her. We watched a movie, I kept an eye on the clock the entire movie. Like I said at 7:50 I got a text from I. At 9:00 the movie was over. At 9:30 I broke down crying feeling so pathetic and sad, just really sad and hurt. I felt like a complete loser and even worse that my friends had made me feel this way and it’s not like I can really be mad at them I think. I just put myself up for disappointment. If I had asked them maybe even the days before they could have told me then and I wouldn’t have expected the evening to go like that. I could have known it would just be me and my best friend and we could have had just fun with the 2 of us but because I was still secretly excepting someone to come over, even if I knew it was not going to happen, I just set myself up.
But that does not take away how I feel.
I feel like a complete loser, my ‘party’ was yesterday. Today I was meeting my family. They asked me how my party was, I said fine, tried to lie and move on. I did have fun, please don’t get me wrong, I had fun. But the entire evening I just felt like shit, yes like shit, and embarrassed. yes just really embarrassed and ashamed. I am 24 years old and this happened. Worried what to tell other people about this, people who knew about the ‘party’ like my family and some people at work and yes even my ‘friends’. I don’t want them to think of me as pathetic and have pity on me or even feel bad about it.
I’m not angry at them, maybe upset, and disappointed.
I would love an explanation from all of them, but that means I have to tell them and have them pity me and them felling bad for me and I don’t know, I just don’t know. Maybe I should just stop caring for them, and just let them be whatever. I do think I am not going to be the first one to send them something, Omg even that sound so lame and childish, I just don’t know how to move on from this with them. It’s not like they did something unforgiving. If only one of them did this it would be fine and not a big deal. but 3 of them did this (they don’t know each other) If it was just one person I would have forgiven them immediately. I wouldn’t even have blamed them. I would have sent them a text on the evening (when the other people where there) just asking where they were. But now I just feel so sad and just like a sad little girl.
In 44 days I am leaving for Australiä for a year, just by myself, until this I was assured I could do this and make new good friends and have fun and not be this sad little girl anymore, now I’m just scared....
PS: I am very much aware how blessed I am with my best friend. She is just the best and I am very lucky she is my best friend. I know there are a lot of people there who would kill to have a friend like her. Sometimes my insecurities want to tell me I am loosing her as a best friends but they are never able to convince me of that. Not even at my lowest point where I am convinced my family does not like me, I always know she is there for me.
PPS: I probably sound so depressed right now but I’m not really. Yes I am insecure but usually I can handle it pretty well I think, just not when things like this happen. And yes I sometimes feel down for stupid stuff (this is not stupid stuff) but it doesn’t happen that much anymore and I always know that soon I will feel better again. Writing this has helped me loads. I was thinking about vloggin my trip to australiä but maybe I will blog about is. Just anonymously writing about my experience and my feelings.
If you read all of this or maybe just a little part feel free to talk to me, or give me some advice how to handle this further (please no hindsight, I know what I did wrong)
Also sorry for all the spelling mistakes, I am from Belgium (speak Dutch) and it is 3 at night.
