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Indie Sex Therapy RP Blog - Tsuzuki -

[archivedashell]

           ”Irredeemably wicked of you. Are we well and truly without the ability to barter, this eve? It would appear as though I’ve taken your goodness entirely for granted, I’ve erred quite magnificently, as far as that would come into concern.” Not at all. But it feels fine to pretend and it feels fine to a performance out of what is essentially a ‘nothing’; and that’s just them, and that’s just him, and that’s as fine as he’s felt in who knows how many forevers.

           That’s why he sounds suddenly a lot like laughter when he straightens the slope of his back and smiles as bright as daybreak.

           ”No negotiations it is, then.” That, too, is fine. The bartender tilts up, touches his mouth to the cut of the other body’s jaw, warbles once to where his smile has been. “You. The answer is indubitably you. My appreciation at its most unforgiving exists for the image of nothing quite otherwise.”

[heevencafe-blog]

It's no secret -not at all, not anymore, but it was as good as new each time he heard about it... and he found himself craving to hear the words and going to such extremes in order to make the other speak about what the cafe owner needed to hear. Sighing with content, he places the plate before the other and caress the pale cheek as reward; well said never escapes his lips. 

"Of course, I am a master of deceive, am I not? You would have never saw it coming, which only makes it funnier to witness... now, since you've played the game, I guess I should just give you the cake you obviously like more than me but I will have you know that I don't mind."

[archivedashell]

         ”A puzzling decision to be demanding an answer for; and while the eve is still so absolutely young? I’d never thought you as one with a capacity for such cruelty!” Joking. Just like they always do. Just like he always will for the while he whittles away between the walls of this little eden next door that he loves, loves, loves.

          “If you can promise to feed me by hand, perhaps I can promise to admit to any answer you might like most of all, yes?” (He supposes it’s no secret what the answer is, anyway.)

[heevencafe-blog]

"I always aim to surprise and impress, but those were a lot of words that didn't even get close to what I asked."

He tells himself that is alright to act like a complete idiot in front of the one he adores... what would be the point of anything behind their proximity if he couldn't be himself without a single fright of embarrassment? 

"No, no, you're not going to set any conditions here. I asked you first and I'm saying that you should reply without any promises from me."

[heevencafe-blog]

"Choose wisely, Mr. customer..." he says as he is holding a slice of red velvet cake. "Who do you like more?" 

But he doesn't give any more details.

[hangingupyourhalo-blog]

"I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours."

[archivedashell]

         ”I might be. Albeit, you’ve a rather pointed choice in words to admit to, wouldn’t you say so? Unsettling indeed. But I think you’d much rather allow me my mood at its brightest than take your chances with a temper of mine, yes?”

[heevencafe-blog]

"It's almost as if you are trying to say I have a choice? Since when do I have it? You just come here to act like a spoiled brat like it's my business to put up with that---" But he isn't complaining, not really. He understands that he actually likes all the sides Kain lets him witness of himself... even the annoying ones. "Speak now, did something good happened to you? Share it with the class so we can all wear a goofy smile too."

[archivedashell]

            “Is there a problem at hand?”

[vphantomhive-blog]

"You just seem to be in a really, really, really good mood. It’s almost creepy.”

[archivedashell]

            “What a funny thing that is to say.”

[heevencafe-blog]

"...................................................."

[heevencafe-blog]

S h e l t e r ~

[archivedashell]

          And somewhere seven heartbeats away, there’s a little life wandering in and washed through with the watercolour swimming in through a stained glass window until he looks a thousand shades of ‘alive’. He sounds like he feels it, sounds a lot like he’s tasted sunlight when the sway of his voice makes itself at home in the quiet dreaming over either head. And what would that sound like? Like a hum, for one. Like a singsong, for another. Like someone that thinks everything’s right in the world.

          That’s exactly what Kain might think, isn’t it? Because here he is wrapped into a white collar, into the chorus creeping into his chest to meet the murmur of muted (not so muted) verve living so lovingly in him, with the ideas in his head that today is a day to smile. And every day is. Every day should be, at least.

         That could be a little to do with why he starts to wonder; about the angles and the edges of someone else across the way, folding in half and hiding a face from the world of everything else but the floor below, and looking not right, not exactly right, and not right enough for Kain to think nothing of it. He thinks a lot, after all. About all sorts and about everyone, and about everything.

         His blue eyes and bright smile are beside them at once.

         ”Ah…would something be the matter, child?”

[heevencafe-blog]

Startled by a tone of voice too soothing, too caring, too tender to actually do much except to calm him and perhaps comfort him into confession, his eyelids are made of stone but he replies immediately byt fighting against the weight of them and focusing on the younger form before him. Now he's all shades of confused and surprised, but for different reasons. Just how funny it can be to be called out in such way by someone that looks at least twenty years younger? 

But he has been asked a question, and he promptly replies with a voice too hoarse and too tired that he barely recognize as his own -it's that damn heart pumping bitterness and emotion through his veins, isn't it? 

"I am just fine, it seems that my sugar levels went down for a second but it's alright now." 

Lies, lies, but white as snow, pure and without victims. Tsuzuki can't bring himself to confess everything even if he's in this place -God will understand, surely-, he can't just say that he was overwhelmed with the sudden feeling of loss that only seemed to lessen when he was kilometres away from this place, but that the moment he were to set foot in this particular church it'd wash him over as fresh. 

"Oh, I apologize! It wasn't my intention to act so rudely..."

[heevencafe-blog]

S h e l t e r ~

The first step was the hardest, and he knew it all too well. Not literally, not anymore. He had arrived at his destination, but boy he found it hard to leave bed that morning... the date had always been carefully market in each new calendar even though he wasn't necessary -he had the number of day and month carved inside his soul like nothing else- but to see it that morning made his heart sink with agony. The first step was the hardest, but his very first one had been taken too many years ago... and it was still hard to continue walking sometimes. 

Taking a deep breathe -as to take it all in, he was here again!-, Tsuzuki decided to put away the bitter thoughts and face the day with optimism and a pure smile. The holy building erected before him was still the same he'd always remember, not one single thing had been changed, and he couldn't help but feel thankful for that. 

Entering, that strange sensation of both peace and war woke up in him, and to say he wasn't alright was an understatement... if people could only look the insides of his brain at that moment, they'd be quite shocked. Maybe he should take it slow, he'd think to himself as he sat in the nearest bench and closed his eyes while hanging his head, skin pale and sweaty as if he was running a fever, the roar of his fears and memories never sounding outside of him.

[archivedashell]

            “Come, now. Do you think I’d be earning a living as ideal as what I presently am, if I were to be such an unseemly counsellor? I don’t. But I do reckon you’re going to understand you’ve erred completely in that assumption.” He’s smiling about it anyway. Like there’s something funny about it, again. Laughing like it, too. But that’s nothing Tsuzuki hasn’t seen before, Kain knows, and Kain doesn’t care to keep it in the dark while he’s away in this world where everything feels a lot like the word ‘alright’. And everything’s alright outside too. But not like it is in and amongst and around the walls of what looks a little too much like sanctuary.

           Funny word, that. Funny things to be thinking about while he’s finishing the flourish of someone else’s cooking, and Kain keeps thinking while his eyes are off somewhere past the arch in Tsuzuki’s shoulder (when they aren’t looking for the glint of the other man’s gaze), while he keeps spooning in and saying nothing and looking not so suddenly at peace.

          The silence, he decides, doesn’t need any dismantling. The bartender doesn’t touch it until he’s finished and until there’s the teeter of sound when his spoon sinks back unto the lip of his bowl, and laughter becomes the man across the way that Kain watches with those dark, dark eyes.

           ”You make it sound as though I’ve somewhere else to be in mind. Or, that I’m going to escort myself outside of your company full stop.” His smile is decidedly wicked, winds back into a grin that warbles out nothing uncertain. “I’ll have you know I’m going absolutely nowhere. As far as I understand, you’ve all the room we can consider as required to give the both of us somewhere to sleep, have you not?”

[heevencafe-blog]

Tsuzu takes a deep breathe -so deep that his lungs burn when stretched this much, his bad habits keep destroying him inside and now he's struggling not to cough- to fight the laughter that's coming; he doesn't need to empower this young man's fantasy of owning him but he kind of guesses it's already too late. Kain wasn't anything like this at the beginning, but time changes it all and the cafe owner owns his part of the fault at spoiling this brat rotten as he did for so long now. 

A dragged, painful sigh leaves his lips and he shakes his head in defeat. He doesn't feel liike fighting against the therapist's whishes -he never did, he assumes it's just part of his nature and how life seemed to always tie him closer to people as flashy and as needy as this one, but he doesn't mind because they always have a small space for Tsuzu to fit in and stay there, to nest and to make that place his home until they... 

"You are young, and the day is too. I'd supposed you'd like to go out and play with someone or something, isn't that what young people do these days? But of course you'd like to stay and rub every and each flaw of mine on my face, hmmm? I guess I deserve it for letting you have too much freedom, I should have been strict from the beginning but I am a weak man." 

And now he laughs because he isn't sure anymore if he means half the things he is saying; he'll hide behind the humor to be safe from his own reality he refuses to face... because it's easier to escape from the weight of a world he's not corageous enough to handle nor skilled enough to accept. He laughs and he erases all seriousness from his past statement. He laughs and forgets. Or at least he tries to forget. 

"I doubt I'll get much sleep with you here. If you are so interested on resting, do you not have your own bed down there? Or maybe you're not being completely honest and you're just trying to be with me a little longer? Maybe if you ask nicely enough, I'll consider let you sleep in my bed with me..."

[archivedashell]

          It looks like they’re both thinking hard about something for the smoulder of a gentle silence, about something that probably isn’t a lot to do with that ‘faith’ word again (or maybe everything to do with it, somehow) and Kain’s eyes are a comfortable and quiet sort of vacant while his thoughts are away with the ideas and the images and the words that his throat isn’t saying anything about.

          His smile isn’t quite that empty. Even if it still doesn’t say much either. Yes, he supposes he was just suddenly here upon a given sunset as if he’d been here always, he supposes they found each other out of some strange, strange nowhere that nobody would have thought, he supposes it almost sounds like some whimsical shade of a joke (Heven, that’s where he is and that’s what this world of his is called and what, what were the chances of that?) Fate’s another word for it, he remembers. He didn’t believe in that all that much, either. 

          But here Kain certainly is, spooning in the offering laying in wait in front of his image and he appreciates for the sake of appreciating (because goodness knows he doesn’t need) and here Kain certainly is eyeing the angles and edges and anatomy of someone he’s been beside for a lifetime of-how many years now? More than enough. He comes back to the moment in a blink and the bright of a brand new smile as soon as someone else across the table does.

         ”Of course you would be,” Kain tells him through the hum haunting his throat. “It makes for an unquestionable relief, such said, that I haven’t any ideas about going elsewhere.” He loves a lot of things here too much to think about it. “Ah! A marvellous pity. I’d have thought my ability as an actor might have been just about enough to pull the wool over your eyes, as far as avoiding the duty of dish-washing might have come into question. So very wise to me you are, by now, wouldn’t that be so?” Laughter. “Eat up indeed. Too happy I am to indulge the idea, you know.”

[heevencafe-blog]

"I can only hope you're not like this with your customers... I wouldn't send a soul if I were to know you're about as cheeky with them as you are with me each time, kid. Are you working properly?"

But it's an empty inquiry about something he knows well -or likes to think he does-; Kain is quite popular and there must be a reason behind that. Is that a taste of bitterness he's feeling mixed inside his blood? Oh, no, it's the pride that runs yet he wonders why it feels so cold sometimes: he is quite proud of this child in front of him, of everything he shows Tsuzuki because he has no way to see anything more -isn't that false? He could always ask... and for sure, without a doubt, he knows he will get the truth from thin lips that now are wrapping around the spoon that delivers the food to the mouth... 

No, he doesn't dare to ask. Not once there was stated that no questions about work were permitted or not as they simply never took the time to discuss such matters. The old man knows, he knows that he doesn't know, he knows that he doubts he wants to know. He understands little of life, but enough acceptance he had to the fact that some things are better left unsaid.

And so he changes the topic -quick, quick before this gets too serious and someone tries to fill the silence with pure sincerity of business that are of no import for the other-, with a light chuckle as if it came from a light heart. He knew how to do that. 

"I've been feeling rather tired as of lately... I wonder if it has to do with the weather? I think I'll take a nap today, so you'll have to go once you finish. Not to rush you, just to warn you."

[archivedashell]

           ”I suppose I wouldn’t appeal to anyone as the sort to think a lot about the ins-and-outs of something like faith. They’d be right, in one way or another, and so would you be, in turn. But it’s a sentiment that crosses just about every mind at least once, no matter the person they are.” No, he doesn’t have a lot of faith in anything since he fell out of the sky and broke his back to be anything but what he was once upon a time, and that only should make sense. Faith shouldn’t matter much. Not the sort they seem to be thinking about here, at least.

           It’s a funny kind of faith that Kain’s thinking about now, though. A funny kind of faith he’s finding a lot of in this little corner of the world that he’s learnt to love after living tens upon tens of lifetimes doing just about everything. It’s good to be able to do a lot less than that. It’s good to be able to sit here and smile and be the image of someone that’s started to understand the idea of peace. 

          Yes, that’s what he’s doing, after all. Sitting here, waiting here, smiling as bright as daybreak about something (all sorts), and dipping his dark head in a nod when the other man at last makes his reappearance. And Kain can suddenly only sound like laughter.

          “Angelic, I wouldn’t have assumed that’d be the word you’d arrive at first. Fancy that indeed, such a surprise you are to me once again. But, there’s no if’s, and’s or but’s about the fact you should indeed be so very thankful for my company. What in the world would you be do without it, I wonder?” (He could ask himself something similar.)

[heevencafe-blog]

He blinks once, then twice, then he lost count of the times he repeated the action and minutes he had wasted while staring at this other male in faked disbelief. He could do this for hours, but the food will get cold and this one is better while still hot in the fork... so he gives up, he knows he can make this battle last forever but he is already used to give in and give way for new battles to start; Tsuzuki has learn through years, tears and terrors that some things are better to not take to heart -and Kain had been a great teacher whether he knows about this or not. 

He can almost taste the cigarrette he was smoking the first time he set eyes on this pretty boy that presented himself as therapist. The rest is now history, yes, one that does not end, that does not die, that won't be told in high school classrooms or history books, nor in pretty written novels or through generations. This is his history, their history, the one that begun that hot afternoon so long yet not that long ago. 

Kain remained fresh and hard to understand like a piece of ancient poetry... the way he was couldn't be found anywhere else even if it was all over the place. Quite a refreshing thought, really. Tsuzuki gives up the thought, this has been happening for far too long and he just wants to eat in peace -even if this means that he will raise a white flag and end up spoiling this kid even more in such cocky thoughts. 

"I'd be lost, probably, without my best customer that also loves my stew and drinks all the coffee. Whether is faith or just a little push, we take whatever we need to allow us to continue moving forward. In any case it'd be more safe to say that you're just trying to butter me up good enough to not do the dishes after you've have free food, hmmm? Eat away, kid, there's more from where this came from."

[archivedashell]

           ”I’d reckon it’s required of me to mention that my opinion might already matter to you more than you’d like. Oh, I daren’t think there’s unkindness in you ample enough to cause you to not care about it at all, do you?” Joking. Joking like he always does when he’s in the little world of ‘here’, and because here is where he feels his best and where he feels a lot like everything he isn’t.

           And that’s fine. Sometimes, that’s just what he needs to be.

           He’s up, out of his seat and straightening the cling of his clothes with the pass of two pale hands and the crane of his black crown; to watch the other man behind the counter when he saunters five heartbeats towards the somewhere-else Tsuzuki is thinking about.

          “Goodness, I can never be entirely sure; the capacity for cruelty in people is immeasurable, isn’t it? Hm. But my faith is in you, sooner than my faith being in the world of others outside. You’ll live up to my expectations, I’d say.” He says it like he’s sure (he is.) And away he goes with the whisper of a laugh left behind, away he goes to rinse the lines and love letters of his fingerprints and the folds of his palms, away he goes to a seat at the table he’s chosen for himself, and he waits like something so very willing to do so. (He is.)

[heevencafe-blog]

After all these years he had learn to pick his battles -so he would let that pass, Kain sure look like he knew what he was talking about even if he sounded a bit too proud of it-, but he can't fight the laughter bubbling out of him as lava coming out of an erupting volcano. The owner of the coffee shop wasn't the owner of the truth, but he sure felt his heart lighter whenever the other was around; they'd fall into this sort of game he liked to feel as true, trust was everything even if they barely knew each other. But that didn't matter, because they shared themselves and their immediate reality in that moment and that was enough. 

The cigarrette was put aside in the ashtray, two plates filled with stew were taken to the small table at the back of the shop that looked nothing like the rest of the ones displayed for customers to use -but that gave it the difference that mattered, that was for personal use only. Little Tsuzuki used it unless he had company, and knowing that Kain was coming that day -call it a gut feeling-, he had settled everything properly.

"Someone like you talking about faith... it does sounds strange enough. But perhaps I have been giving the wrong impression while trying to show off -which, in the end, payed off as I see you here saying such nice things like an earnest child. What an angel the Lord has sent me to eat my stew, should I be thankful?"

[archivedashell]

          “As comfortable as I ought to be, in truth. I almost wonder if you are of the mind to imply that my assumption happens to be misguided.” It wouldn’t matter either way; and sometimes seeing eye to eye isn’t what they do best. And that wouldn’t matter either, he’s already been decided about that since who knows when, as sudden as anything else about him might be, has been, could be, would be.

          But his mind, for now, is made up on idling an evening away at the other man’s counter, made up on welcoming in the warmth of something offered to the arch in his smile, and welcome it is, appreciated until the spoon is certainly, surely empty again.

          “Decadent,” Kain assures him at once. “But I hadn’t anticipated anything otherwise. Your prowess as a chef hasn’t once eluded the eye of my appreciation, I’ll have it said. Ah; but I’d reckon that wouldn’t appeal to you as anything of a mystery. I’ve said so once since my arrival, I haven’t a qualm in mind in saying so twice.” Pause. The tiny pull of a grin tilting up his mouth at either corner.

          “You’re going to allow me a little more generosity than that, are you not?”

[heevencafe-blog]

"Don't get too cute, Mr. customer, I will get used to your praises and I don't really feel like caring that much about that little opinion of yours."

In which he jokes, he mocks, he kids about something that is already a fact because Tsuzuki will always seek for this male's opinion regarding these little things that let them bond without sharing themselve in dept -but he needs the company, he surely does. This interaction can become sometimes the highlight of his days but he will not even try to let it show, because it's enough as it is and he isn't really that aware of how much Kain's presence satisfies him. 

"Just how much of a cruel and cheap man do you take me for? Come, I already set the table at the back; I'll clean here and will bring the stew. Wash your hands first."

[archivedashell]

          And Kain can afford the quiet that sinks in for the time he spends watching the other man’s back, with another mouthful emptied out of his cup and the sudden cut of tension twisting overhead that he pretends not to notice; but he notices everything. Notices everything, says nothing, smiles an almost imaginary smile at the space shifting between Tsuzuki’s shoulders.

          He won’t ask. He won’t need to, not for tonight and not for some time, and so he doesn’t. What he does instead is wait.

          Not for long.

         ”I was always lead to believe you were fond of all the nonsense I’ve a habit of warbling about,” he tells him with the tip of his dark crown into the shape of an open palm, “I’m being lead furthermore to believe in this moment between us that you’ve taken what I’ve said to heart. Wrapped around my finger, you are, you’ve still that much to admit to.” Hum. The pale of his smile comes to a part. “Ahhh-“

[heevencafe-blog]

His hand holds a spoon full of stew he had been trying to cool down a bit by blowing while his other hand acted as a net to catch any kind of drop that might fall off and yo prevent any small disasters to happen; and he listens, he pays attention to Kain's words, to the tone of his voice, to that faint smile in his eyes, to everything he is and what he put of himself inside the words he tosses at the other. 

He listens and wonders just how correct this brat-like man is; and he takes offence on being so transparent for someone that only knows how to see and where to look at... it makes him ask himself just how much he's letting show---- 

"Wrapped around your finger? You're very comfortable here, aren't you?" 

He thinks he should tease a bit more, put the spoon inside his own mouth but his body acts on its own fooling the owner -he finishes the motion he started a few minutes ago and carefully lets the younger male have a taste of what he had been cooking for the past hour and a half. He can't help it, and he knows he's doomed... but he's alright with this kind of damnation.

[archivedashell]

           ”Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You’ll do better to experience than you will to wonder. The better question to beg, then, would be, might you be willing to pamper me enough to find out?”

           You will be, says the glance of something smile-like on the edge of Kain’s mouth and flickering past the copper of his eyes when they tilt up towards the other man’s face. And they wait there, warm and watching, and dark under the dip of his lashes. Alive as his laughter when it lilts up a second time, thins out into the tiny trill of a gasp (theatrics, arriving out of some nowhere that he only ever finds when he’s here and he’s happy and he’s almost someone else.)

          “Criminal of you to consider refusing me to begin with. Ah. I’ve every hope indeed you’re of the mind to make it up to me.”

[heevencafe-blog]

                                                                           C r i m i n a l …

Tsuzuki is suddenly thankful he have something to take care of that would make him turn his back to the other male; so Kain won’t see the way his jaw clenches, or the tension in his browns, or the way he seems to be swallowing a mountain at the mere mention of such a simple word. Of course he knows how powerful letter combined can be -he had his share of invisible wounds caused by them- but it still tastes funny how bitter he feels each time he just happens to hear that particular word. 

But it’s not this child’s fault -he’s just being playful, and the owner of the café actually encourages this carefree attitude because it suits the younger male better, because it makes him look younger in spite of sometimes coming off as too little concerned with his own self-, it’s no one’s fault; ignorant people cannot be crucified for the damage done is what he tells himself in the hopes of calm down.

And he does, he’s back to his usual self with a spoon to feed the other as free sample of what he was cooking. 

"Come on now, say aaaahhh…. and stop talking nonsense. If only words costed money people would spend them more wisely."

[archivedashell]

           ”I’m only inclined to wonder if there’s any honesty is going into your insistence of that much. As far as the eye of my opinion can see, I’d be willing to gamble there wouldn’t be.” Who can say? They surprise each other too often, after all.

           But the bartender talks about nothing much more for the window of one moment, spent with the tiptap of two fingers on the waist of his white cup, spent with the colour of his coffee being tilted up and taken in, and absolutely enjoyed. He smiles like there’s something funny about everything there is, tonight, and he laughs like there is too.

           ”But, Great Master Tsuzuki," he coos just once against the lip of his cup. "Be so kind as to allow me my indulgences."

[heevencafe-blog]

"You might as well go have that eye checked... but anyways, what good will come from pampering you, I wonder?" 

Ah, this child -he swears to God- isn't serious about a thing; maybe that is why he has little to worry and more to enjoy... although appearances can be deceiving eyes and enchanting minds. He knows that too well, but he cannot help but feel a barely noticeable ounce of something bitter mixed with something sour each time he thinks about it. 

No, he knows better than this: Kain is a decent enough to work properly each night -helping humans, nothing more nore less. Impressive. 

"If you put it that way, I can't refuse you."