Heinous Eli

recycling ~20 years' worth of jokes I've made on the Internet

[heinous-eli]

Instead of kicking yourself for making honest mistakes, remember this:

A man once posted a random pic of a buff lady in a thong on a thread where we were discussing fatshaming.

Then when I asked him why he posted it, he tried to tell me it was because he assumed this woman he didn't know anything about (and whose picture he had saved on his phone for some mysterious reason????) would beat up fatshamers.

[heinous-eli]

20 Questions

@morgannalefey tagged me so I'm going to do this. Very nostalgic for me, reminiscent of LiveJournal/Myspace.

1. What’s your blog title from?

Heinous is a play on my birth name. Eli is my name. Pretty simple!

2. Latest movie? What did you think?

The Invite on Monday night. I liked it quite a bit and related to it more than I expected. I anticipate people's reactions to it to be an interesting sort of Rorschach as to their thoughts on a variety of topics.

3. What are you looking forward to right now?

Small thing: Book club and donuts tomorrow. Medium thing: Hadestown with my datefriend on Sunday. Big thing: Cruise to Alaska in September.

4. If you could do anything at all today, what would it be?

I wish I had the energy to cook, but I do not. Today is my one weekly in-office day, so I had to both get up early and drive a bunch, which tends to drain me. I'm probably going to be eating simply tonight.

5. Drink of choice?

These days, my own personal homemade sorrel/jamaica variant (hibiscus flowers, allspice, cinnamon sticks, cloves, star anise, and ginger).

6. Hair routine?

Shower day: Shampoo, conditioner, and then scrunch with product. Non-shower days: Refresh hair with water and then scrunch with a little bit of product.

7. Favorite way to travel? Is there another you want to try?

Any method where I don't have to be alert is best for me. I am excited to try going by ship for the first time later this year!

8. Favorite month and why?

IDK if it's my favorite, but September tends to be a time of change and new beginnings for me. This has been the case even long after I stopped being a student.

9. Favorite time of the day and why?

If I've slept well, the morning. Since my workday doesn't start until later, it feels so sacred and cozy and relaxed.

10. Do you play or follow any sports?

Not really. I do enjoy attending ice hockey games when I can, though. So nice and cold in there.

11. What kind of music has been stuck in your head lately?

Cry for You by September has been in my head today. You know, the one that goes "you'll never see me agaaaaaaaaaaaain"?

12. Dishes or laundry

Dishes. I love that quick hit of dopamine that comes from something being accomplished quickly. Laundry requires a lot of hurry-up-and-wait, my least favorite thing.

13. Something you learned recently?

Benefiber can be used in the batter for fried foods to help them get and stay more crispy.

14. What would you talk about if you could give a TED Talk on anything?

Human beings, like anyone or anything else in this universe, are both part of and products of our environments.

15. Piece of advice you find yourself giving a lot?

Telling myself to stop doing something is never as effective as figuring out why I am doing it and then figuring out what I can do instead.

16. Piece of advice you would give yourself five years ago?

Buckle up, baby. Life is finally going to actually, meaningfully get better, and you are incapable of being ready for it.

17. Do you believe in luck and superstition? Do you carry and [sic] lucky items or follow any rituals?

I don't believe in those concepts, but they sometimes arise naturally in my life as they do with all human beings because Pattern Recognition. I don't carry any lucky items, and the rituals I follow are for ease and comfort.

18. Are you musical (play any instruments, sing)? Would you ever perform for an audience?

Nope and nope, but I do love and adore music quite a bit.

19. Write, type, or speak?

Writing is for myself. Speaking is for other individuals. Typing is for others in aggregate.

20. What do you wish someone would ask you?

"Could I house-sit/cat-sit for you in September?" I have a cat-sitter doing drop-in visits, but I would really prefer for a friend or friend-of-a-friend to stay and do it instead. They could enjoy my place and I could handle their groceries for them as well as pay them. I know I would've loved to do something like this to get some peace and privacy back when I was living with several roomies or my family out of necessity.

[heinous-eli]

Break up with that book. Oh, you know the one. It's not doing much for you. So do it! I dare you.

Ditch it with wild abandon. Fling it into the unexamined depths knowing it's not you, it's them:

the friends who told the author they liked it the author who pitched the idea the publisher who thought it was a good idea the editor who let it go through the person who recommended it to you

Blame them, then let that book go. After all, life is precious and finite. Set yourself free. Read something that gives you joy instead.

And if you're looking for recs? I've got them by the pile (and won't blame you if they're not your style).

[heinous-eli]

Give Me Five to Emphasize

I can't be missing you You remain such a riddle most of you still unseen

I can't be missing you It was just a tiny fizzle a lot of what had never been

I can't be missing you I am too loud for second fiddle and have so much life to be living

I can't be missing you What we had was so little with so much nothing in between

I can't be missing you So much nothing in that middle nothing to rupture, no break to clean

[heinous-eli]

I hear a lot about how stinky the world used to be back when cigarette smoke was everywhere.

Another nostalgic scent that I do not miss one bit?

Hairspray.

Not only was hairspray stinkier in the past, but also it was commonly used by people of all genders as a casual everyday hairstyling product. All the hairstyling products back in the day were more intense all around, from their scents (both the active ingredient and the added parfum) to their texture (stiff and sticky, which is also how it felt in your hair).

Thank goodness for modern innovation. Hairspray is less of an everyday thing and more of an occasion thing, and even the cheapest stuff doesn't reek the way it used to.

[heinous-eli]

2020: is it cake

2026: is this tallow

We've downgraded.

[heinous-eli]

Me, almost but not quite yelling: "C'mere, I wanna gib u KISSES"

Cat: *ignores me and continues drinking water*

Me: "Ya that's fair"

(She did eventually come back and get her kisses, she loves them/me)

[heinous-eli]

Girl, are you Pythagoras? Cuz I can smell your triangulation skills from all the way over here.

[heinous-eli]

Silently observing all the eggs at Magic the Gathering pre release events is fun.

[heinous-eli]

I had completely underestimated how sexualized visible chest hair is.

[heinous-eli]

Sixteen years ago, my mom uttered one of her many accidentally-iconic lines: "Hey, remember that movie, Bob-A-Sledging?"

(She meant Cool Runnings)

[heinous-eli]

A greedy Boomer, a cis straight white man even less troubled by ethics than is usual for his kind, a tortured Catholic closet case, a broken trauma victim stuck in arrested development, and a relatively normal person who doesn't have the motivation to get away from the others walk up to a bar.

They unlock the door. It's their bar.

[heinous-eli]

Realizing I could divide up my life into different epochs based on how I dealt with (or didn't deal with) my feelings.

Pre-teens: Smiling through my feelings Early Teens: Sinking below my feelings Mid to Late Teens: Talking myself out of my feelings Early Twenties: Soaring high (pun intended) above my feelings Late Twenties: Zooming past my feelings Early Thirties: ohshitohshitohshit I didn't have my feelings AND NOW MY FEELINGS ARE HAVING ME-- Mid Thirties: Feeling my feelings (all three decades of them)

[heinous-eli]

Compliments on my voice always felt good to me, but I had no idea how good they could feel until I started getting them on my post-T voice. My brain goes Tumblr Keysmash when I get them. Cis people are good for something.

[heinous-eli]

Theory I'm contemplating: All video games are either Being God or Fighting God.

[heinous-eli]

I may be carrying baggage, but it's only because I successfully got out and stayed out.

Before you leave, it's not baggage, it's just where you live.

[heinous-eli]

In the middle of Katabasis by R.F. Kuang, which is fantastic.

But.

I cannot stop thinking about memories exiting the human body post-Lethe imbibing via urine, literally being washed out that way. Would the water contain the memories? Is that why people believe in the homeopathic dilution thing?