Why I Don’t Go On Dates
Unless my memory serves me wrong, I’ve only been on ONE date in my entire life. That was 2 years ago, with a guy I thought was attractive because he had exactly the same hair as I guy I’d been seeing (and fallen for) a few months earlier, but was trying to forget about. Not vain at all- but, in all honesty, the guy I had been seeing had such GREAT hair that I’m pretty sure I was more in love with his hair, than him as a person. I love hair, especially long hair, on men.
So, one sunny day I went parasailing with my best friend and two male friends, one of whom had insisted we all went together, and who also paid for it all. I don’t know if the guys saw our outing as some sort of double date - but we certainly didn’t. Someone invites me to go parasailing, hell yeah I’m in! So, we all jumped on the boat....seriously, I’m waffling SO BAD (I have ADHD, which is currently very bad, I go off on one all the time, change subjects, confuse people, lose focus, wander around aimlessly etc) I’m gonna get to the point now.
Long story short (but still long, sorry) - the mate on this particular parasailing boat was this guy with similar hair to the guy I was previously dating. Long, thick, straight dark brown hair with blonde streaks that had been bleached from sun and saltwater. Another thing they both had in common with each other was their super-tanned skin. I’m aware I’m sounding super-cheesy saying this, because quite frankly, "beach guys” don't really do it for me at all. But this was more about the HAIR. I can fall in love with hair on men. I know this because I had a crush on Nikki Sixx’s hair for YEARS.
High on the post-parasailing adrenaline rush, I started to flirt shamelessly with this guy (much to the dismay of the dude paying for the trip), and as we were getting off the boat I asked for his number and he gave me his card. We arrange to meet a couple of weeks later, at a local bar.
I went through a lot of effort to make myself look presentable and turned up a bit late (always better to be late than to sit around the bar like Billy No Mates). Well, he ended up being even more than late than me, so I still sat at the bar like Billy No Mates when he arrived. But that was OK, I was excited to see him (and his hair) again. We lined up the shots and started chatting away, he was pretty fucking cool to hang out with. I kept looking at him thinking “if he just added a tattoo sleeve on his arm and changed his face, he’d be the spitting image of “X” (let’s call my previous dude that). From behind, with that hair, you really could not tell the difference.
Neither could my male boss at work, who walked in and surprised my date from behind (thinking it was X), by walking up to him and started playing with his hair and playfully stroking his head. My boss always messed with people in that way, but he also knew X very well and naturally assumed it was him I was sitting with, and not some random look-a-like. My date was slightly uncomfortable, no doubt thinking “who the fuck is this dude dry-humping my leg?’, and I explained “It’s just Jason, my boss, I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re somebody else.” Date goes: “Yeah, I bet he thinks I’m X”. Me (faking a surprised facial expression): “Oh really, you know each other?”. Date goes on to tell me that everyone always mistakes him for X, and vice versa. I still sit there with my pretend surprised facial expression on my face. I didn't go into any details. My boss walks off, blissfully unaware that he had just molested a total stranger. Date just laughs it off and tells me that nothing surprises him in this town anymore. I wholeheartedly agree, and we carry on lining up the shots. Cue 5 minutes and my boss walks past again, this time coming from a different direction - meaning he sees the face of my date, and stops in his tracks. He looks at my date, then looks at me, his face turning white. He exclaims: “Helena! That’s not X! Why didn’t you tell me before I started molesting him?” We all burst out laughing and I told him that quite frankly, I thought it was hilarious and didn’t want to ruin such classic moment. He laughed, I laughed, my date laughed. Easy mistake to make if a person you know goes on a date with a guy who’s the spitting image of their ex/X.
But the fun didn’t end there. Fast forward another 10 minutes and a GIRL walks into the bar, straight up to my date. Apologises for being late. My date has the fucking cheek to introduce me to her. My inner bitch starts waking up. Is he having a laugh? Date orders another round of drinks, for the THREE of us, and “we” all start chit-chatting. I’m being polite, for the sake of it, but also because I’m utterly confused as to what the hell is going on right now, and the fact I thought it was too early to let the inner bitch out. However, inside my head I’ve already mentally murdered both of them. My facial expressions kept switching between “Resting Bitch Face”, Plastered On Fake Smile” and “If Looks Could Kill”. I’m literally sitting there like a lemon, wondering if it’s all a terrible joke. And just as I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, it does.
My date suddenly stands up. So does this bitch. He says: “Well, we’re gonna head over to (this other) bar. Do you want to join us?”. I’m gobsmacked. You could’t make this shit up. I politely declined, still wearing my best fake smile. The Bitch walks over to me, HUGS me and tells me it was lovely to meet me. I say goodbye to them both and leave the absolute royal clusterfuck of a scenario.
But, as I was leaving, my phone beeps. It’s X, wondering what I’m up to on this evening. And although he’s not the ideal person to get involved with again, I genuinely didn’t care at this point so I told him EXACTLY what and who I’m doing this evening. Him. Every cloud clearly has a silver lining. Fuck you “Guy With The Look-alike Hair”, and fuck you “Bitch Who Wasn’t Even Invited”. I’m going back to “The Hair I Originally Fell For”
What a joke of a date. Can you even call it a date? I’m certainly never going through that humiliating process again, that’s for sure. I believe that things should happen naturally. Dating like that is not for me.