Will it be a Soft Breakfast?

Or a hard (boiled) breakfast?

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Brexit - Tea bag analogy

James Acaster's brilliant tea bag analogy for Brexit on Mock the Week

The best I have heard so far

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Wash Away The Dream

He rings me that night, saying,

"Oh, are you free? Want to go pub?

It will be a hoot, and I'm paying.

You need a pint after all that blood!"

it's true; it had been a rough shift.

I had just cleaned bed and floor

of not just blood, but piss and sh*t -

a scrubbing down of daily gore.

The doctor called it one hour in,

My hands flaying a flaccid chest,

Veins flat to fluid, adrenaline -

An eight strong team had done their best.

Mother howling in the next room,

Father tearing up tissues,

Their son had been taken too soon,

The doctor tells them in wet shoes.

"Yes, I would love to," I reply,

As we tuck him into the sheets,

"But do not ask, for I shall cry."

We put some socks on his stained feet.

Nothing can bring me away from -

From the cold chest and from the screams.

Even as I enjoy a pint, Tom,

I still clean the scene in my dreams.

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Why is it when a country goes down the pan, it becomes more fun?

When you were younger, did you ever have a dysfunctional friend who was always a laugh at a party, but always inevitably:

- Had no money

- Crashed his car multiple times a year

- Got in scrap with the local lads

- Took so many drugs he was a walking laboratory

- Had some mad story, like running fourteen miles starkers from a girl's house to his own due to forgetting his clothes escaping the girl's parents and breaking into his house via a window?

But you hung out with him because he was FUN. And you were an idiot. but who isn't when they're young?

Let's apply this to countries. I can think of many very serious coutnries with strong economies, low debt and good employment rates and opportunities. Germany is the first country that popped up in your head. Poland is my second.

But do you visit these coutnries for a party? if it wasn't six zloty for a 50ml shot in Poland, which is £1.20, I wouldn't go to Poland for a party, and I really wouldn't in Germany. Those countries are too responsible.

But Greece? Italy? Thailand? Now we're talking.

This is what is happening in Britain now. We don't know what's going to happen next, so people are taking risks. We're learning how to party, so to speak. Our debt becomes Greek sized, our employment prospects drag behind Italy and our debt makes Japan sweat.

But the music! The theatre! The films! Blimey, even the football! It's like a compensation, to cheer us up in the doom and gloom. We take leave of any responsibility and run naked through Brussels. Its circumference is about 14 miles after all.

I like it. Breakfast means brexit means brexit means breakfast, after all.

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She May, She May Not, She May Bot

It seems like I don't like Theresa May. It seems like my neighbour's nephew doesn't like Mrs May as he called my neighbour, "as bad as the nasty May lady on the telly". Heavens. speaking of the BBC, it seems she is being portrayed as an usurper who took Boris' crown.

However. I am sure I am not alone in finding myself liking a Tory very much. What has happened to me in the past month before Mr C doo doo'd off the stage is I am open to anything. I never thought we would leave the Union. So now I am open to new ideas.

Heavens, anyone who can get us through this biggest test in democracy since when The First Charles thought he might try kick out some Parliament Bully Boys and do the job himself like Louis XIV ("L'Etat, c'est moi! Et moi, le Soleil! Levez vous, putain!" Or something like that), has my respect.

Or at least anyone who tries.

Theresa May will ride out the storm. The only other minister who will come out clean is Jeremy C/Hunt (delete as per your feelings), who is the most hardy Health Secretary. I work in a hospital and no matter how many darts we throw at his picture he won't come down. Even Bevan came down after dart number 129.

Boris Johnson will keep trying to take leadership. Theresa May will ruin his reputation, but it will make them stronger. They will be so interested in each other some guy like Mogg or something will go OI BREAKFAST IS ON THE TABLE and by BREAKFAST I mean BREXIT.

But she'll see us through. Dunno how. But she will.

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At least it wasn't Boris...

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A Times Writer Who Is Right!

"Why are we surprised the working class gave two fingers to a future of uncontrolled migration and zero-hours shifts?" So writes Janice Turner in the Times on 25th June 2016.

She was completely and mind bogglingly correct. I write this sat in a comfortable area of the South of England. The kettle is whistling - time for tea. I have toasted some crumpets. The sun is bright in my garden and the flowers bloom like clouds. Yet only a hundred miles away the MPs are screaming one way or another - IN OR OUT?

I have just returned from a holiday in Italy. The vote was revealed to me on Italian television - La Gran Bretana sera partita l'unione europena (Britian will leave the European Union). These words scream in the warm summer air as  I butter crumpets. I have a radio on. It's the Hindu channel. The only one playing music rather than speaking about Brexit.

But look at me. I travelled to Italy. I have leisure time to sit with a pot of tea and crumpets. I am the epitomy of Middle Class England, able to fret about the liberties offered to me by the EU and have the resources to use them.

What about those who can't use these things? They live in areas of high unemployment, where mines and factories once stood. They compete for jobs in shops, warehouses and taxis alongside their European brethren, who come abroad as there's no work where they come from. Britain is lucky to offer these people opportunities, but does not offer them to her own people.

Perhaps this Brexit vote will make us face up to our class issues? In a way, i hope so. The damage that is going to be inflicted on the country is going to be so calamitous, I hope sometimes that good will be borne of it.

I will leave the last to Janice again.

"Brexit revealed austerity-weary, frightened voters who want housing, security and proper jobs...Far, far too late have Ed Balls and Tom Watson acknowledged that free movement needs reform. Without this the whole European project will fall."

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Breakfast Means Breakfast -

Food for thought?#Brexit means breakfast for Welsh Tory leader @AndrewRTDavies at @Conservatives conference pic.twitter.com/Vf7oKOaXmU — BBC Wales Politics (@WalesPolitics) October 4, 2016 Welsh Tory leader Andrew RT Davies has something else on his mind this morning…

The inspiration for it all