Bye Bye Bye (Week)
The bye week for the Dallas Stars comes to an end tonight as they return to the ice to face the Arizona Coyotes. Ah, the bye week. A time of much-needed rest and relaxation for the players, and a time for fans to watch the 14 episodes of Vanderpump Rules that had piled up on their DVRs over the course of the season...or so I’ve heard. From people. Who might be me. Allegedly.
Not everyone was so lazy during the bye week however, as the intrepid minds behind the Stars Twitter account took to the internet to give out free tickets to fans. Some people got the gift of attending a Stars game, but I got a much better gift. I got this photo. This wonderful photo, which looks like the worst boy band group audition of all time.
If the Great International Boy Band Factories of the late 90s/early-mid 00s and professional sports teams have anything in common, it’s a core belief in roles. You put guys in the roles where they should most succeed, and you win – championships in sports, the money from parents of screaming preteens in music.
Let’s examine some roles.
It’s like Curtis McKenzie was so sure he was a lock for the role of the group’s bad boy that he spent all his time in the mirror practicing a perfect photo shoot pout and *only* practicing a perfect photo shoot pout that he didn’t prepare anything else for the audition. In doing so, Curtis McKenzie made three tragic mistakes:
1. He didn’t expect Tyler Seguin to show up. 2. He put on one sandal. 3. He put on the other goddamn sandal.
John Klingberg is not actually here for the audition but heard there might be a table of snacks and honestly he hasn’t eaten in a while and could really go for a bite.
Ready to sing some chart topping pop hits and take on the role of All-American boy next door once the producers change his name to Randy and never let him speak in interviews is Radek Faksa.
Shy guy Esa Lindell isn’t entirely sure he wants to be here, but his mom thinks it’s a good opportunity for him to meet some nice friends his own age and you know, he’s just got such a nice voice and it’d be a shame if he stayed inside on the computer all day instead of using his talent, and Esa would try to leave but he knows she’s waiting outside in the lobby and he’s never been a good liar anyway so what’s the point in trying to sneak out, might as well just get it over with.
Definitely not wanting to be here, but forced to be here because he lost a bar bet he deeply regrets making is Jamie Oleksiak. Somehow the powder blue shorts were not part of the bet.
Devin Shore arrived with the purest of intentions. Devin Shore arrived with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Devin Shore stayed up all night watching Glee to get himself in the right mindset. Devin Shore ended up a water bottle rack for Tyler Seguin.
Clearly establishing himself as the front man of the group, future solo act and size smedium shirt wearer Tyler Seguin didn’t actually do anything during the audition. He just stood there. Like that. The whole time. Cody Eakin showed up uninvited and tried to also stand there but the judges recognized the true #1.
Every successful boy band needs one thing and that thing is a suspiciously old looking dude. I know this. You know this. Antti Niemi knows this. Despite knowing this, Antti Niemi is still hoping they don’t ask him to remove his hat.
........
Here’s where I should be saying something about Patrik Nemeth, but I can’t with those shorts, man. Why so tight? And why do you have a bottle of Fiji water when the rest of the team has Dasani? Is this where things went wrong for you with the coaching staff? The lack of team unity in water selection? I had hopes for you, Patrik Nemeth. And now all I have is a detailed outline of your phone in these uncomfortable shorts. Patricks Eaves and Sharp wouldn’t have done this. Â
















