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[hellohollyholl]

Bye Bye Bye (Week)

The bye week for the Dallas Stars comes to an end tonight as they return to the ice to face the Arizona Coyotes. Ah, the bye week. A time of much-needed rest and relaxation for the players, and a time for fans to watch the 14 episodes of Vanderpump Rules that had piled up on their DVRs over the course of the season...or so I’ve heard. From people. Who might be me. Allegedly.

Not everyone was so lazy during the bye week however, as the intrepid minds behind the Stars Twitter account took to the internet to give out free tickets to fans. Some people got the gift of attending a Stars game, but I got a much better gift. I got this photo. This wonderful photo, which looks like the worst boy band group audition of all time.

If the Great International Boy Band Factories of the late 90s/early-mid 00s and professional sports teams have anything in common, it’s a core belief in roles. You put guys in the roles where they should most succeed, and you win – championships in sports, the money from parents of screaming preteens in music.

Let’s examine some roles.

It’s like Curtis McKenzie was so sure he was a lock for the role of the group’s bad boy that he spent all his time in the mirror practicing a perfect photo shoot pout and *only* practicing a perfect photo shoot pout that he didn’t prepare anything else for the audition. In doing so, Curtis McKenzie made three tragic mistakes:

1. He didn’t expect Tyler Seguin to show up. 2. He put on one sandal. 3. He put on the other goddamn sandal.

John Klingberg is not actually here for the audition but heard there might be a table of snacks and honestly he hasn’t eaten in a while and could really go for a bite.

Ready to sing some chart topping pop hits and take on the role of All-American boy next door once the producers change his name to Randy and never let him speak in interviews is Radek Faksa.

Shy guy Esa Lindell isn’t entirely sure he wants to be here, but his mom thinks it’s a good opportunity for him to meet some nice friends his own age and you know, he’s just got such a nice voice and it’d be a shame if he stayed inside on the computer all day instead of using his talent, and Esa would try to leave but he knows she’s waiting outside in the lobby and he’s never been a good liar anyway so what’s the point in trying to sneak out, might as well just get it over with.

Definitely not wanting to be here, but forced to be here because he lost a bar bet he deeply regrets making is Jamie Oleksiak. Somehow the powder blue shorts were not part of the bet.

Devin Shore arrived with the purest of intentions. Devin Shore arrived with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Devin Shore stayed up all night watching Glee to get himself in the right mindset. Devin Shore ended up a water bottle rack for Tyler Seguin.

Clearly establishing himself as the front man of the group, future solo act and size smedium shirt wearer Tyler Seguin didn’t actually do anything during the audition. He just stood there. Like that. The whole time. Cody Eakin showed up uninvited and tried to also stand there but the judges recognized the true #1.

Every successful boy band needs one thing and that thing is a suspiciously old looking dude. I know this. You know this. Antti Niemi knows this. Despite knowing this, Antti Niemi is still hoping they don’t ask him to remove his hat.

........

Here’s where I should be saying something about Patrik Nemeth, but I can’t with those shorts, man. Why so tight? And why do you have a bottle of Fiji water when the rest of the team has Dasani? Is this where things went wrong for you with the coaching staff? The lack of team unity in water selection? I had hopes for you, Patrik Nemeth. And now all I have is a detailed outline of your phone in these uncomfortable shorts. Patricks Eaves and Sharp wouldn’t have done this.  

[hellohollyholl]

ALDS 2015: Ask A Jays Fan!

Do you know any Canadians? I know some Canadians. Well, I know some Canadians on the internet. And because I know some Canadians on the internet, I asked one of them some questions about the Texas Rangers’ opponent in the 2015 ALDS: the Toronto Blue Jays.

Answering these questions is Ruhee, a Toronto resident, fan of the Blue Jays, and creator of The David Price Nickname Generator. Follow her on Twitter at: @ruhee_

Nine innings. Nine questions. Let’s go.

1. What has been the most surprising thing about the 2015 season/making the playoffs?

Making the playoffs was the most surprising thing. I mean, all the things that went into it were surprising - the acquisitions of David Price and Troy Tulowitzki (!!!), and Marcus Stroman's lost season turning into an incredible, this-would-be-too-ridiculous-if-we-made-it-up comeback as the No. 2 starter, and the winning streaks, and going 21-6 in August. But then we won the division, and that was the best and the most insane. 2. What was the least surprising thing about the season?

That Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion continued to be the absolute beasts they have been for years. They are reliably amazing and I am thrilled they finally get to see the playoffs because of it.

3. We are both hockey fans, and I've spent a lot of time relating the rosters of the Dallas Stars and Texas Rangers to one another.

Which Blue Jays players would be in your starting lineup on Opening Night for an NHL team?

Russell Martin is the easiest answer, since he actually played hockey as a kid. Everyone else ... well, I'll go with:

LW: Chris Colabello C: Josh Donaldson RW: Devon Travis (think Theoren Fleury?)

D: Ryan Goins / Jose Bautista (solely for the angry "don't try that again" stare)

G: Russell Martin

4. Name the Blue Jays player would you hate the most if they were your opponent.

Josh Donaldson. He's so good at literally everything, he's fierce, he doesn't give a damn, I love him, and I would absolutely hate having to face him regularly.

5. Globe Life Park is becoming (if it isn't already) famous for horrifying, large, and horrifyingly large food items at the concession stands. What's the weirdest food served at Rogers Centre?

I feel like the Dome (like the Ballpark, everybody here still calls it the Skydome, despite the fact it was renamed ten years ago; often this is just shortened to the affectionate "Dome") actually doesn't have anything interesting. Everything is like, regular old stadium food - pizza, chicken fingers, footlong hot dogs, ice cream in little Blue Jays hats. We do have surprisingly good things like jerk chicken sandwiches, but those are still real, self-respecting human food. Outside of the obvious - a lot of banners, a lot of rings - I hope that one thing we get out of the postseason run is some truly weird-ass stadium food.

6. Which Blue Jay is most likely to be elected to public office?

The serious answer is R.A. Dickey, because he's one of the best human beings in all of sports. I realize there's plenty of room for "well, he's too good a person for public office" jokes, but he genuinely cares about people, will probably do a lot of really humanitarian and public-service type things when he's done, and is definitely the kind of guy you want to imagine leading somewhere.

The fun answer, though, is Josh Donaldson. (From this, the best moment of the clinch party -- here's the full video if MLB DMCA's that vine -- http://www.sportsnet.ca/baseball/mlb/donaldson-1-beer-2-beers-3-beers-4-beers/)

7. Seven months ago, Marcus Stroman tore his ACL and was doomed to be out for the season. Since then, he's completed a degree at Duke University, rehabbed his knee, came back to pitch in the regular season, and will soon be starting Game 2 of the ALDS.

Why does he have to make the rest of us look so lazy?

Marcus Stroman is a gift. A superhuman, slightly compact gift. Blue Jays twitter was collectively living an absolute nightmare the day that we found out that Stroman was done. Some people cried. A lot of us went for a very pained walk in the middle of our work days. We thought maybe if we somehow make the playoffs, Stroman might somehow be well enough to pitch an inning out of the bullpen. And here he is, 4-0 with an ERA under 2, pitching in the ALDS. Honestly, this season's narrative is just ridiculous.

8. Explain the Jays' postseason hashtag of #WeComeTogether – is it an attempt to unite all of Canada in support of the team, or a tribute to what happens to all Blue Jays fans when Josh Donaldson does something awesome?

The hashtag is actually #ComeTogether, presumably so that they can play that song all the time and pretend they are soooooo savvy. And yes, it is definitely the latter. It happens a lot.

9. And finally, give your series prediction.

Blue Jays in four.

[hellohollyholl]

Things are pretty good here, I guess. (at Ocean Drive Newport Rhode Island)

[hellohollyholl]

The Origin and The Voice

I'm usually not at a loss for words when I hear news. There's a mutter or a joke or an expletive, but there's usually words.

Today, when Mike Heika announced that Ralph Strangis, the play-by-play voice of the Dallas Stars, was leaving for other pursuits, I lost my voice. There were no words.

I became a hockey fan at age 12, flipping channels alone in the living room and pausing on this completely foreign sport because the player on the screen was a cute boy. That player was Jamie Langenbrunner, and once the camera panned away from his face back to the game, I kept watching. I'll turn 30 this fall, and I haven't quit watching. Not once.

When you become a fan of a sport that you're not born into, there's a learning curve and you need a teacher. Not a single person in my family watches hockey – to them, icing is just what goes on a cake, and so my teacher became Ralph Strangis. The Dallas Stars have never existed without Ralph as their play-by-play guy, and I've never existed as a hockey fan without his voice.

As a fan base, we've always known how truly lucky and privileged we are to have Ralph and Razor in the booth. And as such, we've always dreaded the day that one (or both) of them would walk away. These two men have guided us through the highest highs and lowest lows of the franchise, doing so with complete grace and brilliant wit, becoming an inextricable part of our lives in the process. And now one of them is leaving.

From winning the Stanley Cup to being the league's welfare child, they were there. Owners changed, coaches changed, but they didn't. They were the constant.

There are so many things to look forward to with this team, despite the fact we're all watching other teams that aren't ours play hockey right now. We've seen Jamie Benn grow up from our kid to our Captain and become a scoring champion along the way. He's only going to get better. We have Tyler Seguin to dazzle us with his shot and his speed. He's only going to get better. We have John Klingberg. Patrik Nemeth. The list goes on.

That New Star is still rising and it's an exciting time to be a Dallas Stars fan. It's a heartbreaking time to be a Dallas Stars fan without Ralph Strangis.

Thank you for everything, Ralph. You were a huge part of something that means the world to me. To all of us. Thank you.