Ysabelle.

Twenty three — sun rise, cold mornings, blooming flowers.

[k10026096-deactivated20260302]

You don’t chase alignment; you create space for it.

[seaphine]

healthier body. healthier skin. healthier hair. healthier mindset. healthier relationships. healthier routines. healthier habits. healthier life.

[fromhersoul]

may you attract someone who treats you like they’ve been waiting their whole life to find you

[goth-queen]

[isaipoet]

a listener need a listener too—

[lunamonchtuna]

— Uma Thurman (via lunamonchtuna)

[amoreuxi-deactivated20251202]

my final act of love is the crossing of the street

[makingsenseofwhathappened]

We can call her 'mom.' For lack of a better term.

[helloitsysa]

Tonight, I will dream. I will venture into the skies and run after the stars. The cold breeze will wrap me into its arms and whisper me all the songs. I will dance through the night and leave everything behind.  Tonight, I will dream about being all right. I will dream and trust the time, for it is the only thing that can tell whether I'll still be dreaming with my eyes wide open, the next day. I will hold the vast sky of possibilities and let it unravel me. For i know, something out there is for me. It might hurt a little, but when you venture into the night, you'll see all the wonders that was hidden behind the light.  Beyond the light and darkness comes something nothing can compare. So tonight, I will dream. I will find out for myself. And you might not see me for I will only stop once I find all the wonders reserved for me.

August 23, 2019, 1:10 PM

Baguio City

[helloitsysa]

But if you asked me if I ever saw this coming, I'd have to paint the skies blue for a million times over because this was not anything I ever saw in any other realities.

I once posted a picture of you & said I'd love you for a long, long time --- and I meant every word I said. The only version of me losing you, that I ever thought of, involved growing old together in a beach house, with all our weird antics. That was because I never planned on you changing your mind about me and I was deadset on choosing you no matter what.

I guess that was the thing that hurt the most - while I kept choosing you, you went the other way - and you turned your back on me, you let go of us, and you never looked back. Like I was a 3-day-fling, your sloppy seconds, a five-second-dare.

And you know what? that shit hurt like nothing else I ever felt.

From the drafts, 2021.

[helloitsysa]

“It was the night of June 29. Mixture of pain, and agony, and loss, and grief, and anger surged through me. It felt as if I was breaking quite literally. A little too much, I may say. Those vital seconds, I was gripping the skin on my chest as if that would suppress and lessen the pain I was feeling. That night, every pent up misery drove me to search him up on Facebook and send him a message again — after weeks of going no contact, after months of silence, after several good byes I never really meant. Truth be told, when I entered my message, I didn’t really know what I wanted except for the fact that I wanted to talk to him. Maybe, a part of me hoped that a conversation would fix all the mess that unraveled upon our relationship. But that was me being optimistic because it didn’t. When typing felt like it no longer sufficed, I rang him and he picked up. It was a long conversation that ended a little too late. I think it was about 1 in the morning when he said his final good bye and I said no while my voice was already cracking, but he already dropped the call. That phone call might have been the most cruel thing I have ever done to myself but it was also the thing that set me free. I cried and cried and cried my heart out hoping he would realize how much pain the situation was putting me through. But that’s the thing when they’re done, you know? You could slice yourself into pieces and they wouldn’t even blink. I spent long hours driven by desperation, trying to convince him that we were good, trying to make him remember the years we spent together, trying to make him see me the same way he used to — I was begging for love. Hoping that my desperate sobs were somehow gonna bring him back to me. God, how awful did I have to be to ever stoop so low? It was the feeling I would never, ever wish on anyone. If there’s a takeaway from this, it’s that you should never have to beg for love and affection and bare minimum. If it’s the right love for you, then it wouldn’t have been that way. You can’t make people love you again by loving them harder. I’m so glad I woke up. I’m just wondering if I would have if that phone call never happened. I guess that’s the silver lining.”

— August 5, 2021

[helloitsysa]

That phone call I made saved me.

[helloitsysa]

her.

Mornings comprised her most difficult battles - it held the struggle of getting out of bed and the idea of letting herself be devoured by her thoughts, by the shackles of the past - it was nightmare the second after she opened her eyes. But like any other nightmare, she wakes up from it. No matter how heavy it weighed on her chest, she pulls herself out of bed, she makes it, and she prepares for another day. 

The moments after the first few hours of consciousness remain to be a mystery in each passing day - the unknown waiting to be discovered. She takes it slowly, for she is unsure what wave of emotion will hit her the next second. One moment, she will be dancing around her room, banging her head to the girlboss playlist she prepared, and then the next, she’s laying down and staring to the nothingness. In those moments, you’ll know she’s breaking her heart again. But, healing is a process isn’t it? She knows that the waves will soon calm down and her heart will finally be at peace with her. 

Through her pain, she grabs the paint brush and let her heart speak its truth. In those panels, she pours every ounce of emotion - may it be melancholia or bliss. When the brush starts to form callouses in her hands, she drops it and turns to the hundreds of pages waiting to be read. She turns to poetries, to stories of fictional characters, and through them, she gets to live another version of reality. 

Sometimes, she grows tired of poetries about two lovers and finally realizes she craves for stories about women who made it through alone. She craves for knitted words that tell the battles won by women through sheer bravery and courage. She searches for the perfect poetry that pictures the awful process of healing, the desperate crying on the bathroom floor, the begging on gods and the entire universe, and the transition to finding themselves in the middle of the chaos they created. 

In the most difficult times, she makes an active choice to show up just like the sun, and even after that, she still tries her hardest to move one step forward. She gets lost one too many times, but that’s only because she tries. By trying, she knows she’ll find her way out one day and by then, she would have been the most unbreakable person you’ll ever meet. 

I love her. I am her.

[helloitsysa]

December 27, 2024. I found the way out & I have come so, so far.

[y2kvictim]

the most infuriating thing about personal growth is that even if someone else did have the answer you needed and conveyed it to you in a precise and effective matter, it won't make sense until you're ready for it. you could hear it every day of your life and it wouldn't matter a fucking bit until it finally clicks. there's very little you can do to influence when that happens, either

[meanwhilepoetry]

I'm just trying to become someone who the child inside me will not hate. I'm trying to be everything she needed and did not receive. She is so lonely still. It's not fair that she is so lonely still.

Nikita Gill

[helloitsysa]

✧ september first ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

It seems like forever since I last wrote. If I'm being honest, it feels like forever since I slowed down like this. Life is just happening too fast, and I am becoming an adult of my own in front of my own two eyes.

I guess there's really nothing much about this, except to update how different my life currently is compared to how it was several journal entries ago.

I have kept this account for a decade, if not more. Last week, I had the tiniest time to scroll through all of my drafts and posts. Suddenly, I remembered how much I loved writing and how much I grew apart from it in pursuit of restructuring my life.

The past two years have been life-changing to say the least. For so long, I thought I already knew myself - who I am, what I like, how I love, and what I'd trade everything for. Turns out, I couldn't be more wrong.

I kind of just always told myself I could get to know who I am whilst being in a committed relationship but these past years, I had moments where I think to myself, I wouldn't have known some things about me if I was not alone.

I really took my time and if you told my nineteen-year-old self that this would happen, she would lose her mind. I really think that she will.

How I am lately and how much I have grown is something I have not foreseen. I did not even know it was possible for me. I spent my teenage years being anxious about the life ahead of me, thinking I would never get over my sadness.

But now, I am 23. I take myself on regular dates, I maintain myself, I go on trips on my own, I jump from cliffs, I spend a lot of time with my girls, I spend my weekends watching movies and having dinners with my family, and I look forward to a lot of things I am still yet to do on my own.

I'm just saying that in the past two years, I learned to be happy & in days that I am not, I have learned to be stable. I no longer crumble at the slightest inconvenience, I no longer run, and I no longer leave traces of my spillage. I have grown to become the person I could rely on through anything, whether it be the highs or lows (especially the lows).

This is where it all brought me. To put it simply, i love life in my twenties.

[old-school-romantics]

[julieterbang]

seul_ha_home_

[escuerzoresucitado]