Untitled.

[hellsjournal]

How fucking cruel it is to feel more loved in a dream, than I ever will alive.

[hellsjournal]

I remember the beginning. I remember when we sat in your car, and I cried. I don't know if you asked, and i don't know if I told you. But I remember at least thinking "fuck. This is going to hurt, so fucking much." I remember being scared. That's when I realized that ai loved you.

Maybe I manifested it, or maybe my intuition's never wrong.

[holyshitihatethis]

I went somewhere else in my sleep last night.

I met my people. I met my soulmate.

They warned me I'd forget, and I promise that I wouldn't. I hope I don't forget.

I've never felt so much love. So loved.

I re-lived memories, probably from past lives. We laughed in the nostalgia. I hugged my soulmate goodbye and hoped to meet in this life. They saved me from the darkness, they saved me from not coming back. They saved me from vivid terror. They loved me in my entirety. They saved and loved my soul.

They told me I'd wake up and forget and I want to make sure I never forget.

[hellsjournal]

And suddenly I realize, in this relationship I was the fire, and you were the water.

[hellsjournal]

You constantly put me out..

[holyshitihatethis]

“You can’t spit out a fucking “I love you” and then expect it to be true, to be known, to be felt. Things don’t work that way. And a cold fucking kiss proves nothing. Your cold limp words don’t mean shit. I’ve felt more warmth on a winter night than hearing your fucking “I love you’s”.”

—

[hellsjournal]

I keep sitting here telling myself that maybe things would be better if I weren't me, but I fucking am

And you keep refusing to be anything that I want.

So why do I want you?

[hellsjournal]

The problem is always that I beg. It'll never matter what for.

[hellsjournal]

Sometimes I'm so stupid as to crave a punch. Accepting your hate as long as I get to feel the contact of your skin on mine. Something. Anything. To know I exist to you.

[hellsjournal]

2.14.20

Funny how I seem to never learn.

[holyshitihatethis]

You don't kiss me hello anymore

[holyshitihatethis]

I miss loving you.. i miss loving myself.

[holyshitihatethis]

All those unwanted memories are my personal hell. A hell where I'm drenched in gasoline and you're the one lighting the fire and walking away.. Because you were always so good at walking away.

[holyshitihatethis]

I'll admit I have a lot of resentment.. infinitely more than the guilt that you lack.

But that is not my fault.

Maybe my mistake was meeting you when you were just a shell of a person, but I was not the one that hurt you and I did not deserve everything that came next.

[hellsjournal]

I swear one day I'm going to kill myself, and all your words are going to be running through my head.

[hellsjournal]

Why don't you ever ask me how I am?

I just want to talk to you...

[hellsjournal]

A letter to my words

The irony amuses me.

But I'm sorry.

I haven't forgotten about you. I never do.

But

There's moments where I lose you, and I don't know what to do. I haven't been myself.

But

Then again, who am I anyway?

Who have I ever been

And what will I ever be

When

I don't even know how to be

How I am

I'm sorry that I've been distant

I'm sorry I let you think I forgot. I never do. Sometimes you just disappear and I can't seem to find you.

And

I don't really have the energy to search..

It's not entirely my fault..

But

I'll take the blame

I'm not responsible

But

I'm just really sorry

[hellsjournal]

All It takes is one moment for me to detach. One sentence to go numb.

I've never liked calm. Calm is scary. Calm is my prologue to a horror movie. The angst hiding underneath the surface.