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Lost Feels

Lost walked… she walked out of the Goblet, past Uldah… and then south. Then more south and more south and just… well more south. She needed to be away. From people, from noise, from onlookers. From feelings. She’s had been having a rough few days… feeling things. Once her feelings of doubt began to break through whatever it was in her mind… the voice hadn’t returned. And despite everything, knowing it was a lie… knowing she was still in danger… she missed it. She still loved it, and even in the off chance that love was fabricated… it was still the only emotion she had held for many years. That sort of thing is hard to change, no matter how logic swayed you. They were so caring and understanding. They just wanted to make you better than before.

But that had backfired. The voice screwed up. The lockdown on her feelings was imperfect and she… felt.

So, she kept walking. Walking and walking, into the desert sands and beyond to the rocky wastelands. She needed to be somewhere to vent. A place to let all these new emotions free. A place to break something. Abandoned (Dragon ball z) wilderness was the perfect place for this sort of emotional problem solving. Setting down her lunch basket off near a rocky outcropping that could provide shade, she pulled off her helmet as well, setting it by the basket. Inside for lunch, she had made some assorted sandwiches. Egg, cucumber, PB&J, and some thinly sliced Bo’ meat were just a few of them. Along with it was a thermos of tea, some additional rolls, and of course in a small glass container, she had a slice of cake that she made for dessert. She adored making little picnic lunches like this, mostly for herself. It let her be more than just a suit of armor. Thinking back on it, this might have been something that made her happy, but she could never really feel it. She just knew it was something she did. Looking down at her meal, she smiled. Genuinely. Honestly.

“This is what you took from me… you know that.” She muttered, tone immediately dropping into something sour. “Simple joys. I couldn’t even have simple happiness unless it involved you.” She stepped away from the lunch and helmet and leaned against another rock. Hand clenched in a fist and hitting against the hard surface. “You made me empty! And then just put yourself in there. I was a child!”

“I did what you asked Nothing more and nothing less Why am I bad now?”

She releases her tight hand, taking a deep breath. “Oh, now you answer… now you respond. Been quiet ever since I figured it out.” Out of nowhere a deep rage seethed into the Roegadyn. A bowling ball sized boulder at her feet was kicked into a wall, shattering. “WHY AM I STILL DYING! YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO FIX ME!” She huffed, chilled air being expelled from her lungs due to the ice clusters. She didn’t know why in particular she was angry. She just… felt. She felt betrayed, a feeling she never wanted experience again. The reason for the bargain in the first place. “Everything was suppose to be fine! I would live, no one would know, we would be together.”

“Haha silly girl

You cannot be saved from me

I am inside you.”

Not having emotions was suppose to be a blessing for Lost. She would always make the optimal decision. She would value survival over everything else. A sense of right and wrong did not exist, only… well only selfishness. That wasn’t wrong… in her eyes at least. Being selfish is practical in this world. Wanting to live another day, no matter the cost… that is basic survival instinct. She had seen people close to her die. It was so quick, so sudden, and it hurt so badly. So she decided to only live for herself. She had been living like that for so long, because she had no other way to live. Everyday was weighing the sides, evaluating the options and picking what had the best chance of a happy ending. Sometimes, no decision was made and you simple watched, waiting for more information. Waiting for one side to show a significant lead, or at least to tip the scales ever so slightly. Doing something meant showing your hand, it meant feeling for one particular side… and Lost doesn’t feel. Or rather, Didn’t.

“It’s because of you that I’m alone. It’s because you kept me an observer. You kept me uninvolved. You were content to watch and I just wanted to please you. You…”

She beat her fist into the stone.

“YOU TOOK HIM OUT OF MY LIFE!”

Ripping her gauntlets off, she threw them across at another rock, the heavy plated gloves cracking stone and dropping to the ground. She knew that much wasn’t fair, it was her own actions that made him leave her side. She was weak, she did the wrong thing, and she had to live with the consequences. She still blamed herself for everything, and she wanted to make it up. To stay alive for the both of them. To keep the other one alive in return, and maybe… to get his forgiveness. Had the voice not told her to accept the madness.

“Now now dont be sad

He was simply in the way Your last attachment.”

She knew it was true. She had forced him into that position. He was her means of redemption, at least in her own mind. If she could prove it… to everyone, but even more so to herself, that she was stronger now. But those were selfish thoughts once again. They were all about making herself feel better. And… he would have never wanted that. He knew she was strong.

The hellwolf snapped her head up, staring into the night sky. So that’s how it was… so that’s why she had forgotten. It seems that more than just emotions… memories could be held back. One in particular came flooding back. It was her working for the heir, rather early on in her life… but it was what made her want to stay with this family no matter what.

“Now listen here, Miss Wolkolwyn. Or if yer not keen on that appelation, I'll keep it t'Lost. I have no intention of treain' you like an employee, nor do I intend for you to be a soldier.” It was the patriarch of the Maxmian house talking to her. His recently born son was on another room with its mother. Lost was about eight. “I want you, t'take care of m'oldest boy. I want you t'be some'un he can lean on. Maybe you'll be able to do th'same. He's got a lot ahead of him, the guidance will be needed where I can't be there. He'll struggle, with the burden placed on him. Your job, will be to ease that...”

Eight year old Lost stared at the man with dead eyes. She heard what he was saying, but didn’t really understand. She was here to be a soldier right? Why was he talking so nicely? Maybe one day she would understand.

“The Maximian family, we look t'be different from the rest of th'Empire. To be better. To put others first an' foremost. It's not a path easily walked, an' I don't expect you to understand right now. But you will. As time passes, you will. I promise.”

The memory faded, but now only regret took its place in adult Lost’s mind. How had she thought this was a good idea. How did she forget the loving family… her best friend… The experience that made her who she was. The one family… that in the end she didn’t doubt.

“Tsk, I let that slip Is your faith in me… waning? That’s not good dear Lost”

Snap

A sharp pain in the chest, and Lost was on the ground in agony. Something broke, deep inside.

Lost instinctively knew what it was in an instant. The ice cluster. The thing keeping the void-flesh at bay. It broke. No, she broke it. A warning? Or perhaps just for fun. No, the crystal could simply no longer hold anything back. Tsuki had flexed her power ever so slightly and broke any sense of safety Lost held onto. Her time was now limited, the organs were at risk. She was on death row unless she… unless she… she…

“You have to be stopped.”

Lost uttered those words for the first time since her breakdown. Until now, that thought hadn’t crossed her mind. Because somewhere, she still had wanted to believe in Tsuki. To close her eyes and let it all go away. Not anymore.

“I have to end you… even if it costs me my life.”

“You can surely try

I am already in you

What hope do you have?”

#ffxiv balmung #ffxiv #roegadyn #rp #feelings #lost #Hellwolf #voidsent #solo plot

Lost Fails

Lost sat in the yard of the network, staring into the firepit and reflected on her performance. She had failed. That much was obvious. It was a difficult training and not everyone could pass. Some people just can’t work well in teams or weren’t good enough. The worst part was… That wasn’t why she failed. She didn’t fail due to lack of ability, or lack of teamwork. She failed due to her stress and anger. She had gotten pissed off and snapped out at the instructor. She had agreed that she should have died… since when did she do that? Since when did she want to die? Then something hit her even harder than her suicidal thoughts.

“I was… angry?” She muttered to the open air around her. She… felt something and had gotten angry about it. And even now… she was upset at her failure. Like, actually upset at her failure and is angry at herself for blowing it. “I still am angry…?” She felt it. Down in her gut, gnawing at her heart. Anger. She wasn’t supposed to be able to feel anger. She wasn’t supposed to be able to feel any emotion. Any happiness, anger, sadness… those were suppose to be gone from her. They had been gone for years! But now she didn’t know. She still felt it, even now. The reason for her confusion was obvious, to her at least. She had sold those. She sacrificed her emotions for freedom when she was a child. She gave them up and hadn’t felt anything since. Why now… why was she feeling things after so long.

D̵̨̠̗͓͈̏̎̋̈́̃̃̐o̴̧̜̱̬̺̞̥̩͊̐͛́͢͝ụ̧̡̮̠̬͉̣̿̀͑̄̉̐̔b̴͇̠̫̗̻͍͈̠̙̋̏̿͆̓̐͊̾̽͢͠t̴̘͓͎̳̤̺͚̘͚̂̾̐̄̈́̕͠

A new voice called in her head. It wasn’t the poetic one… it was her own voice. The voice she had always relied on to keep her safe. The one that she had been unable to hear lately ever since the new one showed up. The new one was so safe and helpful. It made her feel a part of something, close to someone.

No no, she didn’t need to listen to that voice. She had Tsuki now. She was whole with Tsuki. Tsuki held her feeling and kept her safe. Tsuki was waiting for her when it was time to die. Boy she hoped that was soon, because it was tough to live alone. She had someone waiting for her, and after she was done down here, she could live forever in the sky.

D̵̨̠̗͓͈̏̎̋̈́̃̃̐o̴̧̜̱̬̺̞̥̩͊̐͛́͢͝ụ̧̡̮̠̬͉̣̿̀͑̄̉̐̔b̴͇̠̫̗̻͍͈̠̙̋̏̿͆̓̐͊̾̽͢͠t̴̘͓͎̳̤̺͚̘͚̂̾̐̄̈́̕͠

“Wait… I don’t want to die. I have people counting on me downhere. I have to protect them.” She was talking to herself. Refuting her own thoughts. Were they her own thoughts? Distrusting had been her nature since birth. Everyone could betray you, everyone could hurt you. You shouldn’t even trust yourself. So why… why did she trust Tsuki?

Well that’s obvious. Because Tsuki had saved her. Tsuki had let her live despite what everyone else was telling her. Tsuki gave her power, allowed her to be in peak fighting condition, and above all she loved Tsuki. That was the only emotion she had, so obviously she should trust it right? Emotions caused lapses in judgement. It made people pick the less efficient route. It hindered people from their missions. That’s why she didn’t need hers.

“But why am I feeling angry… Why was I left with only one emotion?”D̵̨̠̗͓͈̏̎̋̈́̃̃̐o̴̧̜̱̬̺̞̥̩͊̐͛́͢͝ụ̧̡̮̠̬͉̣̿̀͑̄̉̐̔b̴͇̠̫̗̻͍͈̠̙̋̏̿͆̓̐͊̾̽͢͠t̴̘͓͎̳̤̺͚̘͚̂̾̐̄̈́̕͠

The voice was getting stronger. She knew it was right, she still doubted everyone and everything to this day. Why had she stopped listening to it so long ago? It was because she didn’t need it. Tsuki was there for her. But wait… Defiant implied it was a problem. As had Luke. No, they just didn’t understand. All she had left was love for Tsuki. It wasn’t the sort of relationship they would understand. It was a bond that had kept her safe. But… why was this the only bond she could feel? Why did she not- D̵̨̠̗͓͈̏̎̋̈́̃̃̐o̴̧̜̱̬̺̞̥̩͊̐͛́͢͝ụ̧̡̮̠̬͉̣̿̀͑̄̉̐̔b̴͇̠̫̗̻͍͈̠̙̋̏̿͆̓̐͊̾̽͢͠t̴̘͓͎̳̤̺͚̘͚̂̾̐̄̈́̕͠

She… She needed a second opinion. And a third, and maybe even a fourth. She needed… She needed to trust someone. But since there were none of those, she needed someone who could smack some sense into her.

#roegadyn #ffxiv #emotions #roleplay #hellsguard #seawolf #struggle #doubt #self doubt #trust #final fantasy

A Story from my Mother

Allow me to preface this story with a warning.To love a celestial body is a fruitless venture only for the foolish. But, if you are one of those fools who succeeds, you will be gifted a love that can transcend life itself.

This story, like many others, begins with a young girl who faces struggles beyond your wildest imaginations. Well maybe not all of your imaginations, but beyond the common folk level. I will not go into detail on the girls past because it is not that important to the story. The days were difficult and the night were the only solace the girl had.

Night became her sanctuary, her safe place from the pain. And every night, her companion was with her, high up in the sky

The moon was her friend, her guide, her mentor. It did not ask anything of her in return for its companionship and was present even on the nights it was hidden behind the clouds. She took solace in the night, and every day she persevered through to once more be reunited with the Moon. She remembered a story her mother once told her, that the moon was actually alive up in the sky. It had feelings and personality. It was alive just like you or me.

So, the girl started talking to the moon. Short little sentences at first, small talk as you and I would call it. Eventually it got deeper, the girl would talk about her day and what she went through and how much it hurt. Oh how it hurt… deep deep in her chest. Each day getting worse.

The Moon listened, or at least the girl imagined that it did. The girl was going to be leaving soon, that’s what everyone around her was saying. Her time was up, the change was inevitable. It was time to get rid of her. She would no longer be useful…

On her final night, she stayed up the whole time, talking, praying, pleading to the Moon. She didn’t want to die, but she knew it was too late now. If the moon truly was alive, it must be powerful right? It must be able to save her from her fate? She offered anything and everything to the Moon, her one true friend.

Now the Moon, way up high in the sky… was a lonely being. Time meant nothing to the large celestial body, and days passed and nothing changed. Until one little voice, far down below… began to speak to it.

At first it thought nothing of it, people talked to the moon every night, but rarely consistently. What was different about this voice was it’s tone. It wasn’t asking for anything, praying for strength, power, wealth. It talked to the Moon like they were friends, even introducing herself to the Moon. And this single voice continued, night after night. Always talking directly to it without any underlying agenda.

The voice just wanted a friend and… so did the Moon it seemed. From that voice the Moon learned all about the girl and what she was going through, what was done to her.

Now the Moon does not think the same way as mortals do. It’s thoughts exist on a vastly larger scale than we can hope to achieve. However, the Moon understood emotion. It understood trauma and pain. And it understood loneliness. The Moon’s new companion was lonely, and so was the Moon. They were together in their solitude.

And then, the voice, which for months had only talked casually, had finally made a request. The Moon knew this time would come, it always did. What the Moon did not expect was the form the request took. It did not desire power, wealth, immortality! No, it just wanted to live a little longer… to spend more nights with the Moon. The voice loved the moon and offered her life and soul to it in exchange for more time to spend with it.

So, the Moon obliged. It saved the girl and showed her the way to a longer life. It responded and turned the one sided relationship into one of mutual interaction. They both gained a friend that day, and what did the moon take from the girl in exchange?

Her everything… all of it and everything the girl would ever love. It took her soul, her spirit, her essence and while it did not take her body, it took her heart. The girl would forever be bound to the Moon. For the rest of her life and once the mortal body perishes, the girl would join the moon up in the sky forever. For they were now lovers, and time meant nothing to the Moon.

I will finish the story with one more warning… It is fruitless to fall in love with a celestial body. But if you do… Make sure it’s worth it.

#shortstory #ffxiv #roegadyn #storynight