stark words

naked heart

[hergossamersoul]

Beeeen so long...

A lot has changed.

[hergossamersoul]

Why did we even try?

[hergossamersoul]

We are back.

Hey.

The night is so young but my heart already feels old, this moment feels old, my tears are old.

We're fighting again, maybe we've already even broken up. I know I said it, not that I wanted it but it seemed to be something I should. I don't know. I just hate this type of fight. I get punished for wanting to see you, talk to you.

I get it how frustrating I can be when I get upset that you don't message me back or that you wouldn't come see me. All I want is to be with you. I hate it so much how you make it seem that I should not. I usually suppress my longing towards you because I know you'll say that that's all I want you to fulfill. So I'd rather not show you. But lately, I've been so stressed out at school and at home that you're the only one I need to take some of the edge off.

Every time I wake up, I look for your message. I get sad when I dont see one because before I fell asleep, it's what I was looking forward to. At school, all I can think about is getting home, lying on bed, talking to you. But it usually sucked, lately. We talk for a while. Then you finally video call me. The first thing I see is you, not looking at me, but at the monitor. You always play your game. I dont mind. I even want to play it myself. But maybe I just wanted at least 5 minutes of just you and me, talking about our day. Then you can tell me that you want to play. That's fine with me. At least I got my dose of love. We've fought over this before, and I think it was never resolved because it just went dormant due to your trip to Japan. Now youre back, and it's still the same. I see you, looking at your monitor, Im telling stories and your focused on shooting people on the computer. It might seem so shallow but it is pretty draining, how Ive waited all day through the slow-moving hands of time and what I get is a guy blank facing a video game. Im not asking you to stop playing. I just want some of your attention and care.

Your visits here. I love them. Im addicted. If you wanted to surprise me, you wouldnt have said. You only said it was a surprise because you wouldnt want to feel guilty if you didnt come when you said you would. I knew what you said and I hoped for it. I didnt know it was false hope. I just hate wanting you here, then telling me you will, making me want you here more, then calling me at 12am to talk like you didnt say anything. I just... It sucks so bad. And I hate it so bad and I hate you so much for making me feel this way.

I hate you for making me want to not want you.

Maybe we're not back. Maybe we just passed each other again. Maybe it's my fault.

[hergossamersoul]

This is that goodbye we were always playing with.

[hergossamersoul]

A new year. I wont stop writing about you. Not yet. But Ive stopped many things. And loving you to love me is one of them. I loved you tho. But that wonderful person is gone now. He went to college and never came back. Ive learned to accept that. Im happy for you. And now Im gonna be happy for me too. So here’s to 2017.

[hergossamersoul]

Wala kang pake.

Lagi ko iniisip na swerte yung mapipili mo. Na kaya mong manakit ng ganito kagrabe para lang sakanya. Gusto ko rin naman ako yung piliin mo e. Keso ang gago bakit ka may pagpilian. Pero ngayon naiisip ko kung ako naman talaga pipiliin mo sa huli, pinili mo na ako ngayon. Kaso hindi. Ayos lang naman sayo na mawala ako. Pinakita mo na na kahit gaanong sabi mo na importante ako sayo, wala lamang yon kung napagod na ako. Sabi mo sakin kung may pipiliin ka, yung di umalis. Di naman ako umalis. Bakit di mo ako pinili? Ngayong sobrang nasasaktan na ako sa di mo pagpili at gusto ko na matapos ang sakit, siya pipiliin mo? Kasi di siya umalis? Ganon ba yon? Nakakagago din. Pero naisip ko rin bakit ka may pagpilian?

Sana di mo na ako isinama doon. Sana tinapos mo na lang noon. Kase wala ka naman palang plano sa akin e. Andun ako pag kailangan mo ako. Pero kung ikaw kailangan ko nasa iba ka. Ewan ko ba bakit pa kita kinakausap dito. Para magmukhang tanga ulit. Siguro kase ang alam ko hindi ka ganito. Pero nagkamali ako. Akala ko kase ayaw mong nasasaktan ako. Ngayon tinitignan mo na lang na OA ako. Putangina oh. Wala ka na talagang pake. Nung nagaway tayo hinihintay kong magsorry ka. Sige hindi kasalanan mga ginawa mo kasi wala ka namang obligasyon sakin dba. Pero alam mo namang nasasaktan ako. Okay lang sana na magsorry ka, sabihin mo na ganon ka talaga, na di mo ako kayang sabayan sa problema, na hanggang doon lang ako, na nagsisi ka kung bakit isinama mo ako hanggang don at nasaktan ako. Matatanggap naman kita. At least kung ganon malalaman ko kung may lugar ba talaga ako, at kung may pake alam ka sa nararamdaman ko. Kaya naghanap ako ng sorry ko. Konting sorry lang na magpapakita na may pake ka sakin bilang pinakamalapit kong kaibigan. Pero wala. Ni sang katutak wala. Kase ni sang katutak wala kang pake sa akin. Pano ka naman magkakaroon ng pake dba? Ako lang naman yung nagbibigay problema sayo, ako lang naman yung malas sa mga lotto mo, ako lang naman yung nakikipag away ng ganito, ako lang naman yung nagrarant pag di ko nakita sayo yung akala kong ikaw kase alam ko ure better, ako lang naman yung nasasaktan kahit di tayo. Syempre hindi ako yung andito lagi para sayo, hindi ako yung taong pinagsasabihan mo ng problema, hindi ako yung taong aalagaan ka, hindi ako yung taong di ka iniwan. Dba?

Ewan ko ba. Sa totoo lang. Gusto ko lang kase makitang may pake ka sa akin. Kahit noon lang. Na hindi tae yung oras ko sayo. Kase putang ina oh. Grabe ka. Grabe yung pagka walang pake mo sa akin. Nakakababa sa sarili. Ang worthless ng pakiramdam ko. Kasi tangina ang hirap din yung di ako umalis. Alam mo yon. Hindi porket di ka nahirapan sakin hindi ibig sabihin non ganon din ako. Hindi ako OA. Natural lang ang reaksyon ko pag nasasaktan ako.

Ewan ko ba. Bakit pa ba ako andito? Wala ka namang pake.

[hergossamersoul]

It's time to let go and to never hold on again. I know Im shit to you. How can I be any more? Just because you talk to me often doesnt mean Im on your mind often. It may seem to you that Im a shitty person to be with. Always arguing, always being jealous for shit, always giving you a hard time having fun, always making days a bad one. It looks like it but it's not what Im doing. I want to be the girl you always run to, the one you tell secrets to and not get worried, the person youre completely honest to. I might get hurt because I love you. But I will never judge you. Right now, all my anger has built up inside and Im saying things I thought Id never say about you. The reason really is that you never told me. You lied okay? And that was shitty. I was shitty too. All I wanted was for you to see me. That I was always, always there. That I never left your side. I thought you didnt see that. Now youre sure of it. So sure that you do whatever you want to do and not give a fuck about me. Im so angry right now. This post is going nowhere. I was thinking of posting about how youve changed so much, and how I changed more. You were so different way back when. And so was I. We both changed to things I never thought we'd be. I was thinking of writing about how you dont care anymore. How youre just not the Arvin I fell in love with. That maybe I stayed waiting for him to come back. I stayed through out all the College Arvin so I can have back the cool Arvin I once knew because I still believed he was there. How stupid am I to be this naive? He's never coming back. Not for me. Not even if I stayed longer. Not even if I fought harder. Not even if I became stronger. I dont even know why Im hoping youll read this. You dont even give a shit. You wont even come here. Tangina naman Jocelle

[hergossamersoul]

It was toxic but it was a poison I was willing to drink. And it killed me eventually.

[hergossamersoul]

I guess it was never gonna be us.

[hergossamersoul]

Giving up is hard. Especially on you. Especially when I haven’t done it in the past.

Bab. Sorry I can’t be any stronger. I can’t stay any longer. This thing we had, I fought hard for it even when you gave me reasons to stop fighting. But it’s over. I’m done. I can’t be in a fight that no matter how hard I hit, I’ll be the only one taking the punches.

[hergossamersoul]

This photo shows so much.

How I take pictures of you, hoping I’d use them someday to put on an album or a cute blog post. Studying your posture, how nice you would look in the ugly Christmas sweater I’m going to make for you. Observing your clicks, how I’m gonna miss them once you get on the bus back to Baguio. Noticing your eyes, how calming they will be when I tell you things that scare me. 

But this photo shows so little.

Behind this photo was the girl who cried herself to sleep. Studying your posture, how proper you would sit down next to another girl. Observing your clicks, how she’s gonna think about if the other girl cares about them as much as she does. Noticing your eyes, how excited they will be when the girl tells you of her pleasures.

This photo is bullshit.

[hergossamersoul]

Three days: the longest time I haven’t talked to you by choice. Call it pathetic but it’s a big achievement. I always wanted to talk to you, always. Hoping that if you knew I was always there for you, you’d finally come back. I had my phone on me 101% of the time because I’m never sure when you’re gonna need me. And I wanted that when you do, you’ll be sure that it’s my voice you’re gonna hear.

Now. Three days. I do wait for your texts and calls, but I haven’t wanted to talk to you yet. I really don’t want to. I feel like if I did, I’d give in so easily (again). I don’t want that anymore. I’m so tired and weak and so full. I can’t bear to see you again.

You still have things here, and you have my phone and money. It’s heartbreaking, how you use my stuff for things that you know would hurt me as I take careful keeping of yours. 

[soulprinted]

Well, baby, I guess I was just the tree shading you from the rain when you were mesmerized by all the flowers with pretty colors.

[hergossamersoul]

I can feel my body crashing, destroying itself from the inside, starting from my chest to my the tip of my toes and edge of my fingers. Relieve me of this agony, love. You don't want me anymore. Don't say you still do when there are others you're actually looking for. I'm hurting so bad, and you know it. Why do you watch me ruin myself? I can be gone for you to not see me like this. I am a rose but you make my thorns grow bigger and longer, and they are all you see in me, and maybe that's what I need you to do. I'd love to give you my petals, but you long to be on the bud of someone else. Thorns are my disguise. All I hope you do is cut them. It will hurt, but my red petals will soon be visible, and you'll see me again as a flower. Help, my gardener. Won't you cut these spikes? It will hurt, but my crimson petals will soon stand out, and you'll leave me to grow better. Help, my gardener. Won't you remove these barbs? It will hurt, but my ruby petals will soon behold, and you'll know that a rose can't cut her own thorns, and you'll know you're a gardener.

[hergossamersoul]

The letter that I was supposed to be strong enough and sane enough to have given you

[hergossamersoul]

My apology.

Hi, love. This one is for all the times you didnt get from me what you expected, for all the words I told you that were too harsh, for all the days pretending uninterested, for all the moments you thought I can be “that girl,” and for all the love that you didnt want from me.

Im sorry. For the times that you’d think I would react differently to things. Like the times when we were intimate and it should mean nothing but comfort. I tried hard to make it that way but it was against what I believe in.

Im sorry. For the things I say to you and the ways I tell them. Like all the times I call you out in a beat without even thinking how you would feel. I was selfish. My ache blinded me. It just pains me to act like everything is okay between us and just shove my feelings to the side. I know we’ve been on it a thousand times, like a cycle of me opening up to you, then you shutting me down. I never learn my lesson because I dont get answers for my questions.

Im sorry. For the days that I have made you feel like I dont listen. Know that I listen to you on every detail noting how you feel about what youre telling me. I love all your stories. But sometimes you would look at that like Im being obssessed with you. I always try my best to be uninterested because that’s what you want me to do- not care too much. The thing about me is that when caring, it’s either I care too much or I dont care at all.

Im sorry. For all the kisses and hugs that you thought was nothing to me. I cant be “that girl.” That girl who you can kiss because you just wanted to. That girl you can akbay just because you can do it with other friends. That girl you can hold just because it’s nice. That girl you can always go to town with because you want someone to join you. That girl you can do things with that you do with all other girls. That fun girl. That cool girl. That girl you can make her feel loved but not love her at all. That girl. I know you think Im psycho for acting so much as a girlfriend. But the stuff we do was supposed to make me think so. Things mean so much to me. And making you think it doesnt was probably my worst mistake.

Im sorry. For all the care and affection I have saved for you. Im not sure you wanted it but you never said it. All I know is that you need me whenever youre sad. But need doesnt mean want. I always gave tons of shit about you. I never really think you felt the same. I think you only cared when youre beside me. I wish you could just have told me that you didnt want any of the fucks that I give so I can make you think Im less of a psycho.

And Im sorry. For all of the girls that you cared for, I was the one who never left.

[hergossamersoul]

New chapter for this blog.