I'm Fix-it Felix Junior, m'am.

[blastedroads-a]

UuuuuuugUuUUuuuuuuuuUUUUGHGHGHGH.

No thanks, Fix-it. I’d rather get wasted on root beer than charity myself ta’death an’ good will or whatever. Ick.

—Whadd’ya mean tense? Yer Felix-goshdanged-pie-munchin’-flower-pickin’-Junior, what’s there ta get their blocky panties inta a twist fer?! Yer like a dumb puppy, don’t see why they’d be skeeved at ya. What’d ya do, make out with one’a the wives in a closet?

[hero-felix]

Well, I guess y'don't have to help out at all, Turbo! I'd still like your, er, your company, I guess.

Things've just been... a tad rough, I guess. What-with everyone gettin' game overs and all-- it's just a fact've life in the old arcade, but gosh, some folks are awful cold. Not that I'm complaining, they're real kind and all, but they just miss their old Felix.

So some company from you would be nice, since y'flat out hate me, insteada talking about me behind closed doors, I think!

[blastedroads-a]

You? Not gettin’ out? PFT, yeah right, like I’m gonna believe that fresh slice a’bullroar cut straight from the full-a’-crap cake! Yer a Pong danged HANDYMAN who’s got a bunch’a tubs’a lard followin’ him ‘round like his own personal troupe a’ clowns, how the heck d’ya managed ta’be by yerself fer like, five seconds?!

—…

Depends; do I gotta be seen with yer cowbozo self, help out, or hang with yer lame Bible-marryin’ buddies?

[hero-felix]

Well, since I'd be hostin' you, I guess you'd have t'be seen with me SOMEtime... and the gang might wanna know you, for sure! Our arcade mighta been almost ruined by a Turbo, but we know how cabinet alternates are... and I don't see th'point in you NOT helping, if you're already gonna come! Why not help around if you're gonna already be using up the space?

Speakin' of alternate cabinets-- I guess that's why I don't really get around as much as I used to. I might have the same face as their Felix, but since I started helping out this second cabinet, things've been awful tense.

[thekingofkarts]

“The VOLCANO?” His expression shot into concern. “What wath he doing THERE, that level’s DANGEROUS, you know!”

He didn’t know the full story, just worrying glimpses about Wreck-It Ralph and presidents and building glitches a kart, but he’d met enough real King Candies (and worn one, like a macabre Disneyland character, for a decade) to know the right answer to that question.

“Why yes of COURSE. I-I haven’t MET any fake King Candieth I-I’m SORRY ta hear that you have…”

[hero-felix]

The handyman shifted his weight back, folding his arms and worrying at his tongue with his teeth. His glove-clad hands clapped firmly over his forearms, hard enough to have a soft ring of white where his fingerprints pressed too roughly. All sorts of ideas and concerns buzzed in his skull as he looked over the other character-- but he faced it with an all-too-cheerful half-smile.

"Well, yeah. Y'know, my Turbo made up a King Candy sleeve to fit 'mself in, but gosh, I bet you're the genuine thing! What's your role in the cabinet? Are you a racer, a hidden character, just an NPC...? I'm awfully curious, y'see, cause I've never met one of you before."

[hero-felix]

Hello, Tumblr! I've been working all week, what about you?

[blastedroads-a]

Yer yankin’ my chain. Breakin’ news, way t’catch THESE headlines: local goodie two shoes ain’t as community-friggin’-friendly as he says he is!

Pffftaha, THAT guy scorin’?! Yeah right, maybe like in his alcohol-produced wet dreams where he’s able t’cop a feel on yer lame-o, disco-dancin’ butt! He ain’t even the LEAST bit good lookin’—come ON man, he’s got a fuzzy caterpillar on his lip fer Pong’s paddlin’ sake!

[hero-felix]

I just haven't really been around s'many old ladies, I guess. Mostly by m'self these days, me and the old hammer, y'know how it is... I guess I don't get out as much as I used-to. Maybe I oughta fix that. I've got an awful hankering for a community bake sale'r somethin' of the kind!

Ignorin' the uh.. the Gene comment, I don't suppose you'd like to tag along? Good for the old engine!

[thekingofkarts]

“Well yeth it IS.”

The King hopped gracefully onto one foot before sliding into a formal standing position, a faint jingle coming from the bells on his shoes. He adjusted his crown again, with a brief quiet giggle.

“As you’ve probably GUESSED hoo I’m King CANDY~! No-one special, really, just aheh the GREATEST RACER EVER, you know~”

[hero-felix]

...Yes. I know. I uh, I dealt with one of you, once, aheh.. lost m'game and m'livelihood to the volcano. Up in smoke, y'know, like m'bad guy. He was a good friend of mine, too.

...Are you sayin' you're the actual, programmed thing?

[hero-felix]

thekingofkarts started following you

Good afternoon!

[thekingofkarts]

“He~LLO there Mister Fixing Person, hoohoo! Ha ‘ah have thome CANDY, please~!”

[hero-felix]

Ah.. thank you(?), kind(?) kingly person! Gosh. I uh.. what an honor?

[hero-felix]

turbomutt started following you

Howdy!

[hero-felix]

It's about time I got in a proper chat with you guys, I guess! It'd be awful nice to get to know all of you!

[blastedroads-a]

So’s the drunk in yer apartment buildin’, but I don’t see yer blocky lil’ posse complainin’.

Uh-huuuh. An’ whadd’ya bozos get medals fer? Helpin’ an ol’ hag cross the road ‘cause she’s too blind t’realize that if their ain’t no cross-walk, she can’t friggin’ cross it? Yeaah count me OUT, ‘cause I’d rather be winnin’ a bunch’a loot fer boostin’ past ‘er! ‘Sides, connections, seriously? I’ve got TONS’a connections here! S’kinda a PART a bein’ a famous race car driver, jeez!

[hero-felix]

Oh, gosh, Turbo. I haven't helped an old lady cross the street in ages!

Also, Gene's not that unattractive, I guess. He gets his ladies when they happen. I can't say either way, m'self, but he's certainly not like a buncha.. whatever that metaphor y'used was!

[blastedroads-a]

Hahaha, an’ nobody should be expectin’ any d’fferent! A hot stud like me with a swanky ride? Yeah, babes’re all over THIS faster than a fat-so tub’a lard can make it ta’a free buffet~.

—…. gck.

ghghguuUUUUGH, THOSE bunch’a paradin’ lame-os?! Get REAL Fix-it, as if I’d dare be caught with a nerd like YOU, there’s no way in the 256th level a’ that dot-munchin’ circle tool’s game that’d I’d be wastin’ my glorious time on THEM! Spare me a freakin’ membership inta yer club a’ premium dorks.

[hero-felix]

Gosh. That's an awfully unattractive metaphor.

I'm awful sorry t'have upset you like that, Turbo, but there's lots of good things about our group, too! Y'know, things like medals and trophies, and having connections is an awful good resource! Like m'old Dad used to say: "Son, a man without connections is a man who'll spend a whole lot more time in the doghouse than a man with them." Or. Something like that. I don't really know what he meant, I always figured it was a metaphor about Duck Hunt. Bless him.

[hero-felix]

Cool! I've been around here a while, so if you ever need help with something, you know where to find me!

Wow, thanks a ton! I do need a bit of help from time to time!--

....Do you know what's up with that one joke? The whole "somebody once told me" joke? I just don't get it, and it's been nagging at me!

[hero-felix]

I gotta warn ya, there are a lot of Turbos around here, and a bunch of 'em are jerks. I'm not like that, though. At least, I try not to be. I hope we can be friends.

Well, I know how to handle jerks! I spent plenty of time myself with a Turbo, before he put his game outa commission.... I'm sure we can be!

[hero-felix]

You mean your Ralph -- ?! Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm on pretty close terms with a Ralph, and I can't imagine what I'd do if he Game Overed.

Oh, it's alright, I guess. Y'gotta take your losses, and.. live and learn, I suppose...

[hero-felix]

Because that might or might not be something along the lines of what happened to me. I'm not admitting anything, though!

Gosh. The bad guy of my game got a.. real game over from all that business...

[hero-felix]

I guess that depends. Did your Turbo get two games unplugged, sneak into another game, disguise himself as King Candy, go nuts somewhere in the interrim, and end up as a giant buggy thingy fried in molten cola? Because, uh...

…Welllll…

[hero-felix]

I am! My cabinet got unplugged a long time ago, though. And I was...well, not exactly friends with a Felix, but I knew one.

Well, gosh! I can imagine why some folks would be running the other way. But you’re not like how my Turbo ended up, are you?