talk about a herx

amberthyst. 23. future missionary. wanna-be writer. cat person. family woman. born again. fangirl & book nerd. a place for word-vomit and unrelenting thoughts.

[herxheimring]

6 / 28 / 2020                                                                    ENTRY TWO

It is a little ridiculous the way things work out sometimes in life. Ridiculous as in… uncalled for, extensive, unnecessary, crazy. I have always been in perfect health. There was that one time I had cat-scratch fever when I was a kid but other than that I never had any issues, never broke any bones. We thought my chest pain way back in 2015 was just leftover remnants of grief, because my mom had a similar pain ever since we lost my sisters a few years before. I was told it was anxiety, figured that my stress as work was considered just that, along with eating too much pizza and called it a day. It no longer started to make sense a year and a half later when the pain increased during my most mellow of moments and all I felt like doing was napping. Sure, every college student loves a good nap, but that just wasn’t how I rolled. Naps were for the weak, I could get so much done in the time of a nap. Yet I always felt like I needed one.

Low and behold, we gave up trying to reason with it and just decided to go to the doctor and ask about it again. Oh, and maybe run some tests just in case. All the basic ones. If we need to do more then we’ll figure it out. We didn’t need to. The last test that came back showed that I was positive for a local happenstance called Lyme Disease. I got the call while I was driving on my way to work in Bangor. I kind of freaked out. Called my mom afterwards and cried over the phone a bit shaken up, mostly because I didn’t know what it meant. I use to think that I overreacted because most of the time a little thing like a brief disease from a tick was just a handful of days worth of pills and you’re done. I wasn’t done. In fact, we screwed up. I took those antibiotics and, without realizing it, woke up the rest of the disease inside of me that was dormant for years. I was down for the count. Well, not really, not yet.

A lot of doctors don’t understand Lyme. They just don’t. My pediatrician didn’t. My mom didn’t, not that she was a doctor but a master researcher. We tried so many things for 10 months. Crazy things. Ridiculous things. Almost more ridiculous than the disease itself can be. Almost. Essential oils, salt and vitamin C, cannabis, GI health supplement program. Nothing worked. Nothing made anything better. I got worse actually. In the fall, I went to the ER twice because of extreme stomach pain but no one could tell what was wrong. That was because you can’t really see an over abundance of bad intestine bacteria with ultrasounds or a CT scan. My mother, a master researcher as I must repeat, got me in as one of the first patients of a new Lyme clinic in the town over in December of 2017. This doctor, let me tell you, is my favorite man on earth.

I didn’t go back to college that spring. Finally I was down for the count. Treatment sucks. It really sucks. The way herxing works is that you take your medicine and slowly increase it over time. When you increase it, all your symptoms increase by tenfold for a short while, killing off the Lyme bacteria quicker than your body can process the toxins their death releases. In the end, you feel worse in order to feel better. Herxing isn’t meant to last long. You have your period of misery and you’re suppose to feel better than you did after the herx than before it. Not only that, but I had to change my entire diet due to small intestine bacterial overgrowth from that absolutely ridiculous pyramid scheme health program. I’m still bitter about it. I’ll probably always be. Had to drop so much money on an antibiotic that was literally sent from God Himself. I did get better. 

I went back to college in the fall of 2018, ready to take everything back on. Keep on keeping on really. I was always cautious of not doing too much otherwise I’ll get knocked down again. But here’s the thing about New England. We have old buildings. Old buildings include this lovely stuff called mold that can make one’s life miserable if your immune system is already compromised. I was feeling great, better than I had for awhile, but the longer I was back at college the worse I started to feel. I had to go home in the spring, finish my schooling and rest. Graduation consisted of so many tears but I’m glad I pushed through. Glad it was over though I was sad.

It was officially time to get to work. Heal from mold exposure, heal from Lyme, and take my life back from this disease that just kept hanging on. Doctor and I hit the ground running this past winter. Once I finished the protocols from mold detox we increased everything else so that I could be free quicker, sooner, and more efficiently. It was rough but in the end it was so worth it. In April, I started taking my physical well being back into my own hands. Exercising consistently for the first time in three years. Bread, sugar, coffee have returned to my diet. As of now I have been free of all Lyme supplements for two months. Aside from my sprained foot... I have been healthy and able to work consistently without struggle.

Now there’s a lot of things I’ve learned in this time. I can’t tell you the amount of times I went up to the altar at church, at camp, at college for healing. Going to a Pentecostal college where they preach healing with the laying on of hands and that all you need is to have faith that God can do it... truly gives you the right environment. I read books. Memorized verses. But in the times where it was really bad, I was confused as to why God didn’t or wouldn’t heal me. I still don’t quite understand why He didn’t heal me during those other times and I could have received my Bachelor’s without problem, where my dad could have saved money instead of going into debt. But God works in mysterious ways and if there is ever a more true statement... I honestly doubt it.

Lean on Him. Lean on Him even if you don’t get it. Lean on Him even if you think you know the better way and everything is crashing around you. There is no other force that is more stable than Him. I vented to Him often. I know we’re suppose to have reverence for God and respect and fear, which I do have all those things, but sometimes there would be a day where I just had it and told God how I really felt. Even when I yelled at Him, He still comforted me. There’s a peace that passes all understanding, literally. And it’s because of this experience with Lyme that I learned new ways to trust Him, to be guided by Him and to listen to Him. To find hope in hopeless, suffocating places. So maybe there were a few reasons why I wasn’t healed on the spot, who knows but God?

The other week I put the box away. The box I found in the school’s “blessing room” of free stuff that I stored my supplements. The l leftovers and the medical papers all went inside and I put it up in my closet. I did it on the anniversary of Bailey’s, my sister’s, death. Right now I think it means a bit more than what I currently understand. Okay God. I’m ready for what’s next.

                                                                  --Amberthyst

[herxheimring]

7 / 18 / 2019                                                                    ENTRY ONE

It all happened so fast. This was my third year of college while also being my fourth at the same time. A semester behind my original class all because of the boat of life being rocked by these little spirochetes called Lyme Disease that may or may not have gotten there by those big flies the one time I attempted canoeing at camp. Though this past semester wasn’t at all what I had planned it to be like, so given how life works, nothing ever really goes as planned. I got really sick again. All the progress I’ve made with my specialist seemed to take about 10 steps back or more. Old New England buildings seem to have a sickness of their own that effects those with weaker immune systems, so I had to leave in the middle of the semester to finish my work from home. Not only that, but I wasn’t really going to be able to go back there. Some people see college as a bit of a nuisance when considering the work and effort. Other see it as an opportunity to let loose all of their reckless ambitions. I saw mine as a family. A home away from home. I didn’t get to experience the usual senioritis my friends did, because I didn’t know I was going to be walking in graduation until five weeks before it happened. During those five-ish weeks, I had to be home. I spent the last week of college actually at the college to take part in finals and actually have the time to spend with my friends before we all went separate ways. It was an exhausting week on a lot of levels. Physically, mentally, and mostly emotionally.

Yeah, sure, it’s the middle of July now which makes this a bit late in reminiscing my graduation but I suppose there’s a curious reason to this. God works in mysterious ways and that great fact of His isn’t going to change anytime soon. Yes, I cried during the ceremony, which was kind of embarrassing given all the staff, faculty, and board members of the school sat on the stage and could see me. Very clearly, might I add. I tried to hold it in, but usually when the Spirit moves and you’re all holding hands during the Trio’s moving song of friendship it’s really impossible. But I held my head high that day. At the end we had a receiving line. My knees hurt from the small heels I wore and my cheeks stung a little from the smiles. So many asked me what I was going to do next and I had half of an answer. “I’m going to finish my Bachelor’s online...” and “I’m going on a missions trip to Israel...” and part of the cruel reality of adulthood “Working retail?” Okay, maybe I didn’t mention the last one because it’s not very exciting. I let my summer expectations into God’s hands knowing He’d do something better than anything I’d think of. But I sort of forgot halfway, the fact that I’ve let God take control no matter how much worry I let fester in my brain. Because He always exceeds expectations.

Later in May I went on vacation with my family. It was there I was called saying I got accepted into the “sister college” of the one I had just graduated from. I would have a good chance with them, I thought. They were one of the only schools that could accept my credits the easiest, I’d become fully accredited and I could do it from home online. It seemed like the perfect plan. Stay home and work, get healthy, and finish my degree online. Apparently, it was more of my plan rather than God’s. The more I began the process of enrolling into this college, the more stressed I became over finances. A lot of unease grew under the surface. There was so much confusion in the back-and-forth of information, not to mention there’s now a hefty car maintenance bill sitting on my credit card while there’s only $22 left in my checking account. How was I going to pay for college? Or worse yet, what was I going to do if I had more than one year left to finish? I already had doubts, but they seemed to increase and all while I’m going “God is this really what I’m suppose to do next?” I kept asking Him this, asking Him to show me the way.

I went on my missions trip, which I’m looking to cover in another entry don’t you worry, and God did some things. One thing in particular was He showed me a direction. Coming home I’ve now based everything I’m doing on this one single goal of a direction. I’m going to Israel for a year starting sometime next summer, so what does that look like with finishing out college? I got another call, only half of my credits transferred. There was an odd sense of feelings that transpired: a punch to the gut, a sigh of relief, and a gentle nudge to my side. I would have to take two years to finish my bachelors, and spend a lot of money I don’t have. My opportunity for the mission field is so wide open, why would I abandon it to sit at home with my nose buried in a screen? I have other bills to pay aside from college anyways. So I’ve decided against college now. I have a diploma, from the college I still call my home and family. I’m proud to be class of 2019 and I’m ready for missions whether I have a bachelor’s degree or not. When you ask God for direction He’s going to give it, though it’s not always going to be in the way you think. He showed me, I have peace about it. Sure I’m a little disappointed I won’t get to finish, but the next opportunity is so beyond this world I can’t bear to wait for a degree that I might not even use.

Time to work and pay my bills. The basis of my summer is being an adult, the whole fun jam of trying to keep up with my health and work hours. I hope that sounded sarcastic. I may not be writing papers anymore but I’d like to keep my fast typing fingers in shape. So here I am starting a blog, getting the hang of it so I can process my thoughts and tell people what’s going on. Maybe learn a few lessons on the way.

                                                                                   --Amberthyst