How has your new year been so far?? any resolutions?
So far, so steady! As for resolutions: to get a better diet for Riley, consume less protein shakes and have proper meals when available, and finally get cracking on those boxes of files in dad's old office
Someone catch Riley, I saw him chewing on something he wasn't supposed to and I wasn't fast enough to stop him. It looked like a circuit board but I couldn't tell.
I didn't know how to feel after Elias was killed in front of me with a bullet to his brains. I had watched the way the blood pooled around him, the same blood that was pumping through my veins, through Logan's veins.
Actually...
How was I supposed to react when he told Logan that he was proud of him as his last words? Why not me? Why not us? I had always tried to be a better person by taking care of Logan, I loved him dearly as a brother. I was there for him when dad wasn't.
So why was he given all the credit? What did I miss through the years to not even get a single word of appreciation?
How come the mask was given to him instead? Was I not worthy to inherit it?
Did I not resemble dad enough to even be considered to be given it?
Was I lacking something? Did I try too hard?
I didn't know.
All I knew was that I wanted Logan back. Even if I did envy him a little bit after Elias's death. Sure, I was angry at Rorke for killing him - but I was even angrier that dad never told me that he was proud of me, that he actually cared for me, to tell me that he was glad that I held my ground and gave support even when the world was crumbling around us, Odin.
That I had taken care of Logan when he wasn't there to do it himself. That I had taken the responsibility even if I didn't have to, there was no need to yet I did. My brother looked up more to me than Elias.
So why?
What did I get in return?
Nothing.
Just death.
Just the sight of dad dying and Logan getting taken away from me.
I failed.
I failed to protect both of them.
I failed to be a good soldier.
But most importantly, I failed to be a good big brother.
How could I have been so careless?
How could I have been so sure that Rorke was gone? Dead? How?
I should have known better that Rorke could come crawling back immediately for revenge. I knew how he was, we all knew, so why? Why couldn't I have been more cautious to prevent this?
Why couldn't I have been stronger to go after him?
Why did my body lock up?
Why?
All of these were questions I didn't know the answer to. No matter how much I tried to think, to figure, to solve, I couldn't come across a conclusion.
Besides one.
I wasn't worthy enough to be any of the things I was.
Logan was, he was ruthless, silent. There was a reason why Rorke took him instead of me. He reminded him of Elias - of himself. That same silent courage Logan showed, and I didn't.
I tried, I really did. But I failed.
Was all of my effort for nothing?
So far, it's being proven that way.
No matter how much me and the team are trying, we can't find Logan's location. His last known location was more than half a year ago, who knows where he could be now.
Who even knows if he's still alive or not.
What if he had already been turned into a Fed and was being trained to hunt the rest of the Ghosts down right now?
I don't want to think of it like this, but the dreaded possibility is starting to become a true fact as the days pass.
I don't want to lose Logan, my baby brother. I just can't.
I have already lost dad, and I can't lose Logan, too. Hell, even mom isn't with us anymore. She would have known what to tell me, what to do.
But she isn't here anymore either.
It's just me.
I would have to step up to bat, to be the lone player, and score the point.
To be the one who gets a headshot.
A bullseye.
I've prayed to God, even though my belief in him had been teetering on the edge of completely dissolving. But after everything that happened, I found myself clasping my hands together, on my knees, and mumbling the prayers mom had taught me. After all these years, I still remembered them by heart.
I've prayed for forgiveness, for Logan's health and well-being, that he's still alive, still fighting, still being stubborn to not turn into a Fed.
I don't know what else to do besides pray. I know it's a desprete action, but who else can I go to for help? There's no one here for me.
No one.
God, Logan, please be alive.
I miss you.
We all miss you.
Dont worry, we're all coming for you. We're searching, planning.
And when we do find you, God will, I will fucking kill that motherfucker Rorke and burn the Federation bastards down to the ground. For dad. For all of us Ghosts.
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