Fake it ‘til you make it, right? Billy is good at that, at least he’s good at the faking it part. Not the making it part. Fake being straight? Yes. Actually being straight? No. Fake being carefree, like Neil’s verbal and physical abuse don’t bother him? Sure, he can appear as carefree as all the other directionless teens that wander the halls of Hawkins High. But actually feeling carefree? Hiding that flinch when someone comes up behind him too quickly? Stopping that flicker of relief spreading through his stomach from showing on his face? Well, he’s got those reactions down so they’re there for half a second, quick enough that he can put his relaxed, boisterous persona back in place with everyone none the wiser. So, yeah, he’s faking it.
Until Steve entrenched himself firmly in Billy’s life. Steve worked his way in, so slowly that Billy hadn’t noticed that Steve had taken up residence under Billy’s skin, wrapped himself around Billy’s heart, cradling it, protecting it like Steve thought it was the most precious thing in the world.
Like it deserved to be protected.
And now, Steve notices when Billy’s putting up this front, stepped into this carefree role. Sometimes it bothers Billy. Sometimes he just wants to not feel anything. He wants to pretend the scars from the Mind Flayer’s attempt to kill him don’t actually hurt. He wants to pretend he doesn’t wake up from nightmares, heart racing with absolute terror, breath coming in quick gasps as he tries to get enough air to scream. Sometimes he doesn’t have the energy to face all the things he’s done or that have been done to him.
Sometimes pretending is easier.
And, sometimes, Steve lets him pretend.
They’ll play a game of one-on-one, Steve blatantly ignoring every time Billy’s face tightens in pain as one of the scars pulls across his back or his lungs protest his gulping breaths. But Billy will see the concern in Steve’s expression and the war taking place in Steve’s brain – wanting to give Billy this period of pretending everything is normal while also not wanting to see Billy in pain. But Billy will shove the pain down, lick his lips, and put that shit-eating grin on his face while saying, “C’mon, Harrington, is that all you got?” Steve will sigh, but he’ll surrender to Billy’s exuberance, despite knowing that it’s mostly faked, and they’ll keep playing.
But, in the middle of the night, when Billy hears Neil moving down the hallway, saying, “Do we need to talk about Respect and Responsibility, Billy? Do we?” while his footsteps creak along the warped hardwood, causing Billy to wake himself up screaming, knowing, knowing that when he opens his eyes, Neil will be standing above him, Mind Flayer wearing Billy’s face standing right behind him, and ends up with Steve curled around him saying, “It’s just a dream, Billy, just a dream.” Well, then Steve won’t let him pretend.
Steve will run his hands through Billy’s sweaty hair, down Billy’s face, along Billy’s shoulders, grounding him into the here and now. He’ll whisper, mouth next to Billy’s ear, lips brushing over the shell, telling Billy anything and everything that comes to his mind, arms wrapped around Billy, his chest to Billy’s back. And Billy will eventually relax, Steve’s voice, Steve’s solidity, Steve’s steady beating heart, soothing Billy until his eyes start to get heavy and his own breathing levels out.
And Billy will know, with absolute certainty, that he’s also worked his way under Steve’s skin, draped himself around Steve’s heart, protecting it like Steve protects his own.
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