AND WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL IF I DON'T WANNA FEEL?

@hey-m-r-rager

where my anxieties come to talk in hopes of comforting one another.

22 posts

SAY THE WORD

There’s a certain amount of ego a person can have to still act so high and mighty and unapologetic despite being the reason why another person has gotten so miserable to the point where they’re actively considering killing themselves.

I’ve come to accept that I’m the reason why this won’t work. I was wronged and can’t find a way to forgive you because the sin/s was/were too great. Maybe you did try your hardest to make up for it. Maybe the reality is that it wasn’t enough for me. Maybe it just means you aren’t good enough for me, too.

I want to leave you with all the hurt you caused me. I wish I could do something to make you feel even just a fraction of the pain and the trauma. I can’t decide if what I’m angrier about — the fact that you will never feel what you made me to feel to its fullest extent, or that you got away with it. To be fair, they’re mutually exclusive. You burnt my house down, gave me third-degree burns and sent me to jail for arson, while you walked out of the fire unscathed.

There is no escape from this cycle — I have yet to accept that. The last thing I want to do is leave but when I ask myself if this — crying in the office, constantly being lied to and on the verge of taking my own life — is what I want for my life, I shake my head. Of course not. There is so much damage. So much destruction. So much trauma. So much hurt. Walking away is what will keep me sane.

To be fair, it looks like you’re ready to go. So if you want to leave, say the word.

AN INCOMPLETE RESPONSE

I thought I knew what I wanted, But I’ve never been so wrong. When this whole thing started, I figured we’re in for the long Run. I wanted to try, Try to succeed, Try to tell the people That you and I were just meant to be. We were like magic. It was electric, Flowing through me Like a strong static.

I almost knew it was you, But it couldn’t be further from the truth Because now I despise Who I am, Cutting you off Before it all ends. Even if I tried to explain, Both of us know you’ll never understand.

And I’m sorry for that. Apologies for the silence, I’m at a loss for words. I didn’t think that between us, I’d be leaving first.

I dreamt of the home, Dreamt of the kids In a world not my own. I was so sure, as were you That we were the lucky ones Who’d skip the cue Of all the regret sex and all of the booze. “None of the drama, no, we don’t want it, Everything’s good, staying on top of it.”

Then why am I feeling this gap? It’s got me thinking that if I stay, it’s a trap. Even if you want to come along, I’m sorry but you know that you can’t. This is my journey and I go alone. I have to face all this shit on my own, And this winding path that I must go on Is one I must take in order to reach my throne.

And I’m sorry for that. Apologies for the silence, I’m at a loss for words. I didn’t think that between us, I’d be leaving first. I won’t try to hide it. I’ve believed in worse.

PLAYLISTS

I save my best playlists for you Because you’re the only one worthy of their selections. Every second is accounted for, Its order meticulous. Everything has a purpose.

I save my best playlists for you Because nothing else will do.

UNTITLED, UNMASTERED #1

Bratty syllables form the words that leave my mouth As if those thoughts were incomplete, or worse, untrue Because I’m confined to my emotions and they refuse to get out And they’ll suffocate me until my face turns blue

Everything is buried deep and no one can tell otherwise Life is easier when you can tell a lie I’ll keep myself six feet under until the day I die It no longer matters; I was made to be a joke in their eyes

I was made to be a joke, the punchline to be exact As if getting caught in the crossfire and the conversations Didn’t wear my name out, or at least change the facts But I was made to be a joke, and no one needed an elaboration

I am made of every terrible emotion you can think of Every sense of hatred in the word So forgive me for holding on to my anger Because it’s the only thing that’s never Betrayed me before

I am made of every terrible emotion you can think of Because the world has chewed me up and spat me out Because those I trusted instead filled me with doubt Because the things you did to me, I allowed

So forgive me for holding on to my anger When it’s the only thing that’s never Betrayed me before It has never left; it has found a home in me And it has protected me more than those who knew they could And those who knew they should So I keep it close to me for the next time I’m dragged into the crossfire Because no one is truly there to shield you from it all Even though they said they would

CYCLES

The pattern remains the same. They never, ever change. First it’s their wrongdoing, Second comes the forgiveness, Then it’s your fault, And the cycle begins again.

You’re drowned out And suddenly it’s your burden; A problem you never asked for Or wanted But belongs to you now Until the cycle begins again.

The burden is lifted With sweet nothings that never last. Walls down, soft heart, You’re told to leave it in the past. But it lurks in the corner of you mind Just waiting for the cycle to begin again.

You’ll carry it with you The same you carried all the ones before. They’ll stay with you, Changing you and rotting your insides Until no one can take you anymore. And this is how the cycle ends.

#poetry #relationship woes

COOL GIRL IS GAME

I’m starting to feel suppressed again. After ND, I told myself I would never allow myself to be put in this situation for a second time.

I get that we can all be selfish. I’m selfish as fuck and I can admit that, but after everything I’ve done — the packing of her things, allowing him to stay at home for a month without any stipulation, staying by his side even when he refused to cut it off with her — I’m the one who’s not allowed to have my own feelings about her? Isn’t that a little fucked up?

I knew a version of this was coming. I always knew that despite his own refusal, he will always see me as this “cool girl” who is alright with everything. I’m not allowed to be my own person with my own emotions, I can only be “cool girl.” The moment I present any negative feelings, I’m no different than his past.

“Cool girl. Men always use that, don’t they? As their defining compliment. She’s a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man.”

But I know I am a million times better than she ever will be. I have and am everything he needs. No one will put up with his and her shit the same way I did, and I did it without losing my shit.

I was fucking game.

#relationship woes

NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER

Spoke to my therapist today and talked about how I’m tired of being so cynical. That recently I’ve found pockets of safe spaces with my family, friends and intimate partner, who I consider the good in a world that will always be plagued with evil.

But how does the world expect me to not be so cynical when even what I thought was “it” makes me feel like this? When I feel left out in the cold when I need warmth? I understand the world isn’t perfect and neither am I, but for once I just want something to be perfect. I just want something that is untouchable and envied. I don’t want to be angry and falling asleep but he is lying down across me, comfortably wrapped in a blanket and snoring away to his dreams. How does the world expect me to not be so cynical when the one perfect thing I want won’t come to me as perfect? Or at the very least, not so difficult.

I’m so tired of taking care of other people. I have needs too. I have to put myself first too. Why do they always put “baby” in the corner the second “baby” becomes inconvenient for them? Or when “baby” gets too emotional? Am I not allowed to be upset? Should I always be shielding myself, or belittling what I feel to make sure that they stay?

Well you know what, I’m tired. Nobody puts baby in the corner.

I read your birthday letter over and over and over again. That is where I belong. The universe of where that letter occurred is the only place where I want to be. That's the only place I should be. I was always so excited to know what the future held for us. If I knew it was this, I would've stayed in the past forever.

wardrobe digging, july 17, 2017

Sometimes I catch myself staring at that Starbucks we went to once. I think that might have been the night I realised how different things have become between us. We sat in uncomfortable silence; the air was heavy and you couldn’t look me in the eye. A pyramid of cigarette butts were starting to pile up and I was almost out of coffee. I still didn’t know what to say.

silence, may 18, 2018

THE LAST TIME

I took a big step today And cut six inches off my hair. I came home from tour today, Numb brain with a wide eyed stare.

When was the last time you asked me? Because I can’t seem to recall. Don’t try to tell me that I don’t care — I’ll show you that I don’t.

#poetry #even older

PINNACLE

If you’re spreading the sheets for someone else, They’re more than welcome to be your guest. My heart drops when the weight shifts. There’s not enough space to fit.

How much further are we willing to flow? I’m at my wits end battling your ego. I concede to your need for autonomy. Letting go of control, this is beyond me.

Three’s a crowd so let me be the first to go. Don’t look back, what you reap is what you sow. I can live with not existing, Rather than to continue resisting.

#poetry #this is old #like 4 years old

ONE NIGHT FREE

Days are spent dreaming that you call As I sit back and watch those hopes fall. Well urges, they get the best of me Although I know it’s only one night free.

I told myself this is my last goodbye. Cross my heart and hope to die. Then you hook me on for another ride, But that’s alright cause I’m by your side.

Play, rewind, put me on repeat. The thought of you is my favourite treat. Temptations, they get the best of me, But I know it’ll always be one night free.

MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME

You reminded me of how young love dies. At first, everyday, Then never again. Then when the world makes more sense, past your highs, You crawl on your knees, looking for a friend. Two reunite, as they always should’ve been. Only apart because it never chose you. Stay in your safe place, never to be seen And fall back into the dance of folie a deux.

But they were always one step ahead, And always stopping us instead. These two fiends always clashed, Making sure we never last. So maybe we’ll try again Some other time.

LUCKED OUT

I was never special, despite what they thought they knew. Floated from A to B, easily, Content that this was what it’s supposed to be. When it all fell apart, it all still came together. Regrettably, I’m untouchably Oblivious. Instead I’ll just roam freely.

Am I really meant to be here, standing so esteemed? They all say how they wish they were me. “You’ve got it all figured out,” but they don’t know Someone’s on pay roll to convince me I’m not crazy. Week after week, it will never end. I’ve run out of words but I’m still needing it.

But what do I do when my luck runs out? Don’t know much like when, Only that it will. What do I do with myself When my cup one day stops overflowing, And I’m all lucked out? What do I do with myself then?

Because not everyone lives forever, Or even enough to make a dent. Make it beyond 27, Consider it a miracle, Then think to myself, What do I do with myself then?

A BULLET IN MY HEAD, FINALLY

I did it. I finally did it and I feel okay. Actually, I feel better than okay — I feel like myself again.

I know the title is morbid as fuck but hear me out: I feel like I pulled the trigger and was reborn.

It’s been so long since I felt comfortable in my own skin. I don’t look for messages or have the desire to message. I like being able to look through my phone in the morning to check for anything important and not feel the responsibility to message or respond to anyone.

I think I’m gonna pull out of the serious relationships game for a while, at least until I know I’m going to be settling in whatever country I am for a long time. That could take years but who cares? Rihanna’s 33 and not married with no kids. Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt got married and had kids in their late 30s. Dolly Parton is 75 and has no children.

I can achieve whatever I want as long as I put my mind, heart, and soul to it. I also need therapy but that will come. But I know I can wait for the proper person to settle with. Hopefully it’s with a tall and attractive musician because I’m definitely going to miss being that kind of girlfriend.

A bullet in my head, finally.

TJÚ

I have so much anxieties about the next five years of my life. I know where I want to be but I don’t exactly know how I’ll be able to financially afford it. But I also know that if I don’t act soon, I’m going to be stuck with these two choices forever and I’ll hate myself and most likely kill myself.

I don’t even know where to start with this entry. My personal relationships have been hit because of my anxieties and even though we tried to break up, I got back with him in a day because I was either 1.) scared of being lonely, or 2.) I realised that I have issues to deal with. I still can’t decide which one of the two is the real reason. More on that in the future.

The future. Fuck my life.

GHOST TOWN

I'm actually disgusted with myself.

How dare I, this fucked up person with so much baggage, complain about being in a loving relationship with someone who actually cares about me and sees a future with me? When my entire life this is all I've wanted.

But this more than JI. This is about me, what I want, and what I think I deserve. I have worked so fucking hard to get here. I have clawed and fought my way through the odds to be here. I can't go back to write about half-baked shit after speaking to the greats. What the fuck kind of life is that?

I wish this entry was helping, but I'm just so mentally drained.

How do you be with someone who might not be on the same life path as you? Because that's what I feel right now. I feel like I'm destined to leave, and he's destined to stay. It'll be too difficult for him to say goodbye to everyone and everything he knows.

But I also need someone who will grow up. Someone who is self-sufficient, and can do basic things by himself. Not someone who still gets picked up from work by his parents like a preschooler. I feel tired just thinking about this "future." I can barely keep myself together and I can't do it for someone else. He might look great on paper, but if you take him out of what he's comfortable in, he'll be lost.

"I've been trying to make you love me, but everything I try just takes you further from me." That's me to myself. This decision is for me and about me. No type of love will stop me from achieving what I can do.

Who knows. Maybe I'll find someone more... independent? Attractive? Because I really can't get this done if I'm the only one doing the work.

I'm fucking disheartened at the fact that I thought I knew what I wanted. I was so sure, but I guess life has other plans. How fucking cruel.

Maybe in the next life.

I let it all go, everything that I know, and nothing hurts anymore — I feel kinda free.

#relationship woes

AND WHAT'S THE BIG FUCKING DEAL IF I DON'T WANNA FEEL? @hey-m-r-rager - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag