My Battle With Depression
In honor of Chester Bennington’s birthday today, I thought it was important for me to share my story about my own battle with depression in hopes that it helps someone else going through the same thing.
I had a very normal and very simple childhood. I grew up in a small town in western Illinois and pretty much had the same friends my entire life. When I got to high school, I started to really feel like I was finding my way and I was so happy. My senior year was the happiest I had ever been. Life was so good and I was sure it would only get better.
After graduation, my friends and I went our own separate ways for the most part. We each picked different colleges to attend that were spread out around the Midwest. I picked a small private university in Iowa.
I remember going to my orientation that summer and immediately realizing that something wasn’t right. My body started acting and feeling differently. Although I’ve always had a bit of social anxiety in new and unfamiliar situations, it had never affected my ability to make friends. This time, however, the anxiety was overwhelming. The whole weekend, it felt like there was a giant spotlight on me and everyone on the entire campus was looking at me and wondering why I was there. I truly felt out of place and like I didn’t belong.
I went back home after the orientation weekend and didn’t really think anything of what I had just experienced. A couple of months later, I was moving into my dorm for good. I don’t remember being nervous. I don’t remember feeling anxious. I was actually excited and had no doubt I would be able to make friends quickly. After we got everything moved in, my Mom and Dad wished me luck and drove off. I walked back to my dorm, laid in my bed, and stared at the ceiling wondering what I was supposed to do next. That’s when it hit. That feeling of overwhelming anxiety. That feeling of having no control over anything in my life and not knowing how to handle that.
Moving into my freshman dorm, August 2002.
The next few days were hell. I had never felt so alone in my life. My school was only an hour away from my hometown, but it felt like I was a thousand miles away. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone, either. I thought that if I told my parents, they would think less of me because I couldn’t handle it. I felt like if I told my friends they would think I was completely lame because they were all having the time of their lives at college. So I sat in my dorm alone wondering how I was going to get through the next 4 years, listening to the song “Tomorrow” by the band Home Grown that seemed to perfectly describe what I was going through at that time.
When the first weekend came, I told myself I was going to stick it out and stay on campus, but the thought of having nothing to do and no friends was too much, and eventually, I called my parents and told them I was going to come home for the weekend. As I pulled into my parent’s driveway, I felt like the biggest loser and the biggest failure on earth. I couldn't even make it a week without going home. How pathetic.
That night I was in the kitchen talking to my Mom and Dad about how I was feeling and what I had been going through. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I collapsed to the floor and started sobbing. As I laid on the ground with my back against the oven, my parents got on the floor next to me to try to comfort me any way they could. I continued sobbing uncontrollably. This was the first time in my life I had a severe panic attack, and it would not be the last.
My parents made an appointment with a psychologist who diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and put me on meds to help. I had therapy regularly for the next 8 months.
For the next few weeks, I would go back to school during the week and come home each weekend. Finally, about 3 weeks into my college career, I decided to move out of my dorm and back to my parent’s house permanently. I commuted to class an hour each way every day after that. It helped. It’s what I needed. I needed familiarity and I needed to feel in control. I finished the year at that school, then made the decision to transfer to a college just a few miles away where some of my close friends attended.
When I made the decision to transfer schools yet again a year and a half later, this time to a college 6 hours from my hometown, I hoped I was prepared. I was nervous that I would fall right back into that deep depression again. I struggled when I arrived. I struggled to be alone in a city where I knew nobody. It wasn’t easy. But this time, I knew I could get through it. I had the tools to fight back the depression so it didn’t completely overtake me. There were a few brief moments where I lost control and had severe panic attacks, but eventually, they passed and I was fine. I learned that to feel like I was in control, I had to break my life up into chunks of time. I would look at one week ahead and say, “ok, just worry about this week. Worry about next week next week. Right now, just get through this week.” Then, when I got through that week, I looked ahead to something else. “Ok, I’m going to a concert in 3 weeks, so just get through these 3 weeks and you’ll be fine.” Sure enough, that helped. I was able to regain control.
I also started a private journal during that time. I wanted to be able to go back and reference the things that helped me, and I always just wanted to be able to put everything I was feeling down in writing. I still update that journal today. When I’m feeling down about something, it helps to go back over the last 13 years and put my life into perspective. It helps me appreciate how far I’ve come.
In the years that followed, the depression would creep back into my life from time to time. First, when I moved to Los Angeles to start my career. Then after my father passed away from cancer. Then, just dealing with being an adult and the challenges that come with that. I know it’s a battle I will always have to fight, but I also know that I can overcome it.
To this day, almost 16 years later, I’m still not sure all of my closest friends know what I went through. It was a really dark period of my life and one that for a long time, I was embarrassed about. I know now that my situation wasn’t unique. This is something people are battling every day, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s so easy to look at other people and think about how lucky they are for all that they have. That they can’t possibly have anything bad going on in their lives. That they couldn’t understand what you’re going through. Just know that you’re not alone. That’s why I wanted to share my story. To give hope to anyone who feels alone or who feels like they’ll never make it through a tough time.
You’re not alone. It gets better.
-Adam
If you are struggling with depression and aren’t sure where to go for help, visit https://www.changedirection.org/320-changes-direction/ for some great information and resources.