sonder

the realization that everyone has a story

[heyembee]

To My Parents Children,

This post I have put off for years now, but the time seems optimal now to process on a global front. I have a social media presence I keep updated, I am very political and open with most things I post. However, I often keep my personal life and experiences out of the things I write or share as I am a pretty private person, go figure. Maybe it’s because I am a therapist at trade, and feel that by writing this I am somehow betraying my own confidentiality. It is needed, I feel I must speak my truth, and therapeutically I need support. 

I labelled this “to my parents children” which will probably be confusing as I am my parent’s only child. My dad had a brain tumor when he was eighteen, resulting in the removal of his pituitary gland. He wasn’t supposed to survive the surgery, and definitely was not supposed to have children. My parents tried for several years to have children, and had almost given up, when they found out on Christmas Eve 1991 they were finally expecting. They tried again after my birth, but no such luck. However, my parents were lucky enough to have many, many “adopted” children through my friendships with others. It has always been this way, and maybe why I am a well-adjusted only child (haha---trying to keep some humor throughout this). They have children from Kentucky to Paris, and now I am calling on my siblings and other adopted family for support.

As I write this I sit in an empty emergency room cubby as my father is put through another CAT scan, spinal tap, and probably numerous other fun and exciting tests. We’re not sure what is wrong, but he’s been very sick this week, and I believe he has been sick for some time now. Including myself and my mom. The “long sickness” is an emotional and mental corrosion that has been amassing now for about three years. Now, I don’t want the next few paragraphs to be a sob story, and I want to try and tell it as neutrally as possible, but I’m only human and this is somewhat of an internal processing and purge for myself.

I grew up next door to my grandparents. I spent every day there, we had a routine. Mom or dad would take me a few feet next door, I would wiggle back in bed between my grandparents and try to go back to sleep in-between all of their snoring. Pops would get up, make breakfast and we would watch Andy Griffith and the Price is Right with our eggs, bacon, and dunk a cinnamon twist in black coffee. This is emblazoned into my mind. Every day for years. I am not going to write down the countless other memories I have because this post would be extremely long, and I already hope I have not lost your interest. That’s for my memoir, let’s call it: “A Trip Down Bowling Lane.”

Flash-forward to college. Pops became ill, and passed away my sophomore year (2011). After that my grandma was never really the same, and she began losing a lot of her own memory and slipped away from us in 2014. I grieved, of course, but did not expect my family to fall apart after my grandma passed. But it did. I remember driving to class—Elet Hall at Xavier because who wants to walk those stairs—and parking. I got a call from my mom saying that they had just been notified that my grandparents will had changed. My dad and I were supposed to inherit the house next door as Pops had built both houses and intended it to go to my dad and me. He wanted me to be able to live next door and take care of my parents, just as they had done. This change was unexpected, and even more devastating when my dad’s sisters, my aunts, tried to convince us that their mother wanted the change.

I am not going to go into details of the strenuous, and heartbreaking lawsuit that has wrapped its grips around our throats for years and won’t let us go, but I will say it has absolutely broken my family and left permanent marks on us. I lost an entire side of my family. Four aunts and uncles, over ten cousins, and so on and so forth. I have come to accept that loss. I was always a black sheep in the family, but for my dad it has been devastating to watch the depression overtake him. He lost his sisters. Over a house. Over things I so much want to cry and kick and scream over because to see my dad so disheartened breaks my own heart. Not only was he betrayed and made an outcast by his family, but he also stands to lose his livelihood as well; the garage which he runs the lawncare business out of is on the same plot of land as the house. Family is supposed to support, love, care, and sometimes knock you down but not to the extent in which they have transformed the biggest teddy bear I know into a brokenhearted, fragile man.

This is why I am calling on my adopted family now. The family whom I have gotten countless calls from in the past few days asking me if they could do anything for my parents and me. There is something you can do. First of all, tell the people you love and care for how much they mean to you. Since I first started writing this piece (it’s been hard for me to want to finish this after I started it, but I’m sticking to it) my dad has been in the hospital for almost a week without any answers still. We hope he is released tomorrow, but he will still have to be bedridden for the next ten days and receive antibiotics three times a day. It’s frustrating not having a name to call whatever this is, but we will overcome. We always have, we always will, but sometimes we need help and support.

If you have gotten to this point in my writing, I want to ask something of you. I would like letters, cards, drawings, inspiration, whatever you can think of that would ignite a spark in someone who others have so callously tried to put out for some time now. Help my dad burn brighter against others who wish him ill. I want to shine a light of positivity so bright that the others who have hurt him retreat into darkness. So, please help me shine that light for my dad.

I don’t want anyone to feel indebted to do this, but if you feel the need, please reach out to me through Facebook or email ([email protected]) and I’ll give you information on where you can send your warm wishes, prayers, positive vibes, whatever you want to call it, and thank you.

[heyembee]

‘Tis the Season to be Ironic.

I see a Facebook feed of conflicting views. Do we take in refugees or not? Why are we not focusing on America’s homeless? Our veterans? What I see is a great deal of irony. People are offended with the idea of allowing refugees into this country, but we are not caring for our American veterans and homeless population! Where was this care a month ago? A year ago? Five? Ten? Many of our government representatives wanting to refuse people who are desperately seeking a safe place to live are the same people who clamor for war. They send our American citizens to far-off countries these refuges do not want to be in.

But what happens after we send these people to war? Many come back with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and do not have the insurance or care to seek mental health counseling, general health care, or a home (Source). The people beckoning to close the borders are the same people who consistently vote against relief for the people they send into war without a second thought.

Let’s take a closer look…

Comprehensive Veterans Health and Benefits and Military Retirement Pay Restoration Act of 2014: In Feburary, 2014 a Department of Veterans Affairs bill proposed by Senate Veterans Affairs Committee Chairman Bernie Sanders (I-VT) would have expanded benefits for former service members and repealed a military pension cut for future troops. This bill was rejected in the Senate 56-41 (Source) despite backing and enthusiastic support from Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA), The Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW), The Paralyzed Veterans of America (PVA), and The American Legion. The bill was  shot down by Republican representatives, with only two Republicans voting for it. (Source) (Source). Sanders vowed to try again with the bill. It wasn’t until July 2014 that Sanders passed a Veterans Health Care Bill (Source)

The Section 202 Supportive Housing for the Elderly Program: “The Section 202 program helps expand the supply of affordable housing with supportive services for the elderly. It provides very low-income elderly with options that allow them to live independently but in an environment that provides support activities such as cleaning, cooking, transportation, etc. The program is similar to Supportive Housing for Persons with Disabilities (Section 811).” (Source)

“This program has been cut from $436 million in fiscal year (FY)2015 to $414 million for FY2016. The Section 202 program’s project rental assistance contract renewal costs would be underfunded by $44 million, which also does not provide for the production of new Section 202 units.” (Source)

We are cutting programs for the homeless drastically: The homeless population is comprised of 11.3% of veterans as reported in the 2014 Annual Homeless Assessment Report (AHAR) (Source). Cuts include:

More than $2.9 trillion in health care reductions for low- and moderate-income people

$125 billion in cuts to SNAP

$159 billion in cuts to tax credits for low- and modest-income working families. 

Roughly $300 billion in cuts in other mandatory (i.e. entitlement) programs serving low-income Americans, much of which is unspecified (Source)

HOME Investment Partnership Program (HOME program): The HOME program was designed to benefit low and very-low income Americans by increasing federal support for affordable housing.

“US Housing & Urban Dev Department (HUD) proposed revising the IRS definition of “adjusted gross income” in § 92.203(b) to require that cost-of-living allowances for federal employees and military personnel in certain areas that are currently excluded from annual gross income by the IRS be included in adjusted gross income calculations when determining eligibility of applicants for HOME assistance.” (Source)

This seems helpful, but the HOME program has been drastically cut for funding year after year.(Source)

As seen above we have the opportunity to fund programs for (homeless) veterans, but we have had issues pushing programs through the voting or funding process. On the other hand, is the government right for suspending, voting down, or defunding these programs? During the Obama administration homelessness among veterans has been cut by a third (Source). Veteran homelessness  dropped 10 percent 2013- 2014, being the largest decline in veteran homelessness since 2010-2011 when it fell 12%. Overall in the span of five years (2009-2014), veteran homelessness has fallen a total of 33% (Source).

We have low numbers, so the government appears to have shifted their sights onto another meaningful cause, or something else to spend money...right? Why, now, are we shifting attention back to our veterans with this refugee crisis? We are down 33% with veteran homelessness! We’ve been cutting programs and turning down bills for our veterans the past few years, but now that other people need help--especially those who aren’t American--we all of a sudden remember the people who fight for our freedom!

But, wait...as a country don’t we pride ourselves on compassion, bravery, loyalty, even being united? Every life counts! All life is precious! I hear this shouted from billboards, bumper stickers, and debate podiums. What are we doing now turning our backs on people who need help? Isn’t their life precious? In my opinion, we believe every person has a right to live. Until you are born.

Furthermore, the irony only grows from supporting homeless veterans (the general population largely ignores) regarding the refugee crisis to the ever-present “Christians” getting their say on the issue. I see too many posts on my Facebook feed, on  TV (shoutout to Fox News), and newspapers condemning the Muslim population as terrorists. Just the other day a local university student was almost ran over by a motorist because she was wearing a hijab (Source). While I know this is a no-no, I couldn’t help but look at the comments. One, in particular, made me bug-eyed. “Why is this news? Christians are attacked every day because of their religion. Sickening they spotlight one muslim woman.” Now, I’m not sure if this person is a troll or not, but I think we can all agree that many Christians are attacked, for example, because they oppose gay marriage but as a whole the religion is not stigmatized on that account.

While many in our country fear that every refugee is going to blow us up, or enact terrorism we should remember that Caucasian extremists have actually participated in most of the terrorist attacks the US has faced in the past few years (Source)...or do we not count the numerous school shootings, movie theater shootings, etc. as an act of terrorism? (Source) (Source) (Source)

In fact, the mayor of Austin, Texas, Mike Rawlings, has been quoted saying, “I am more fearful of large gatherings of white men that come into schools [and] theaters and shoot people up, but we don't isolate young, white men on this issue.” (Source)

If the sources attached have not stirred something in your head, I will participate in a favorite pastime of many religious devout by using specific bible verses to promote my opinion, or what I believe in (although we both know God was pretty pissed in the Old Testament, and I’m sure you can find some other scripture verses that prove the opposite point of mine).

‘When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. 34The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God. Leviticus 19:33-34

Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. Psalms 82:4

This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. 10Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.’ Zechariah 7:9-10

“Make up your mind,” Moab says. “Render a decision. Make your shadow like night— at high noon. Hide the fugitives, do not betray the refugees. 4Let the Moabite fugitives stay with you; be their shelter from the destroyer.” Isaiah 16:3-4

Also, can we stop saying it’s easier for refugees and illegal immigrants to get free things from our country? Take a look at the White House’s process for a refugee to be screened for entry into the US here.

We need to stop pointing fingers of who we should help, not help, and who deserves it first. If you believe all life is precious--even if you do not--we can all agree that we need to help our fellow human no matter what they look like. If the only support you are giving is sitting on your La-Z-Boy, and turning to news outlets that instill fear and hatred you can do more. I have listed below Non-Profits in Cincinnati that focus on homelessness, our veterans, and refugee assistance. Take your pick. All I ask is that you put your money where your mouth is, and take real action against the many issues that we face as a country, world, and human race.

Homelessness -

UpSpring - (Formally Faces without Places) To empower children experiencing homelessness by providing opportunities for education and enrichment

ShelterHouse - (Formally Drop Inn Center) We work together to provide basic human services for the men and women of the Greater Cincinnati area who are experiencing homelessness. Our primary commitment is to shelter – offering a place to stay for those in need now, and helping find and maintain a permanent place of residence for the future.

Esther Marie Hatton Center for Women

The David and Rebecca Barron Center for Men

City Gospel Mission - Helps the homeless and hurting break the cycle of poverty and despair … one life at a time.

Donate a meal for $1.92!

Veterans -

Joseph House - Meet the needs of the homeless veterans suffering from addiction within our community and provide them the support they need to maintain a life long commitment to recovery and thrive in the community.

Hamilton County Veterans Service Commission - Provides financial assistance to veterans, active duty members of the Armed Forces of the United States, or the needy spouse, surviving spouse, dependent parent, minor child, or ward of a veteran or active duty member of the Armed Forces of United States who has been a bona fide resident of the county.

Volunteer at your local VFW or American Legion.

Refugee Work - 

Catholic Charities of SouthWest Ohio - Catholic Charities serves refugees who come to the United States through the U.S. Department of State and U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. Most refugees come from extreme poverty, violence, or religious and political persecution in their homelands; seeking a better life for themselves and their families.

Community Refugee & Immigration Services - Sign up to be a volunteer and help serve local refugees.

[heyembee]

#XavierGirlsAreUgly

 It’s 5:58pm, and Xavier still sucks. I get it, college rivalries are exciting and fierce, but since when did my face have anything to do with sports? Students at the University of Cincinnati (UC) using #XavierGirlsAreUgly is a fine example of how sexism is still alive and at work in our day-to-day lives. Should I start using #UCStudentsAreSexist to combat this? No, because I know that the majority of UC students are not. Seeing such an immature and outright shaming of women from a school upheld for its ingenuity and forward thinking is revolting. Between President Obama’s support for equal pay, the It’s on Us Campaign and powerful women speaking up for equality (here’s looking at you Amy Poehler and Tina Fey) why would UC students even promote such an inappropriate mantra?

 Boasting 32,677 undergraduate students to our 4,652 for the 2014-2015 year (Source, Source), UC could very well be the #HottestCollegeInAmerica ranging from their creation of the college co-op to exemplary programs such as DAAP and CCM. However, some UC students seem to take the hashtag too literally resulting in the bullying Xavier females have felt for years (#XavierGirlsAreUgly has existed on twitter since 2011). UC President Santa Ono coined the term  #HottestCollegeInAmerica “to describe the excitement and energy I feel on the University of Cincinnati campus every day. It is a way of saying that we have a great university, and we’re going to tell people about it.” (Source) As far as I can tell UC was not given that title for any exceptional good looks or genetics that cannot be found anywhere else.

 Specifically, in a study by The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health researchers found that intelligence is positively associated with beauty (Source). Now, I could make some other correlations and say that since Xavier has a harder admission rate than UC we’re clearly more attractive. I could also support it with our graduation rate being in the top 10% in the U.S. compared to UC’s 45%, and a 79% graduation rate in 6 years over UC’s 56% (Source). I could make the assumption of: How can we be “ugly” when research and statistics can back up our “attractiveness”? I could make a lot of different statements, but I also learned from my time at Xavier that correlation does not mean causation.

 Using the blanket statement “Xavier girls are ugly” perpetuates misogyny. In general, attractiveness is operationalized by symmetry, and symmetry has been significantly linked to be “in the eye of the beholder”  (Source). This means that while some people at Xavier may not please you—and your symmetrical expectations—someone else could totally disagree. This goes for people everywhere, even UC. In fact, I have seen some UC students combat the #XavierGirlsAreUgly by posting pictures of UC girls that are not pleasing to their eye either. This, too, is unacceptable . Stop shaming women, and spend more time on legitimate facts you can use to trash talk at basketball games. I, personally, could not argue with someone who can list recorded facts about the differences in our basketball programs, or the number of times both teams have been in the Final Four.

Normally I would not be up in arms about something a rivalry spews out, but there is something imminently malicious about #XavierGirlsAreUgly. What may have started out as a joke has snowballed into UC students posting pictures and degrading any women in a Xavier t-shirt, Crosstown Shootout, or not. There is something much different from the “Friends don’t let friends date Xavier/UC guys/girls” chant over the very direct and harsh #XavierGirlsAreUgly.  I believe UC is better than the select students perpetuating microaggressions expressed in the hashtags. UC feminists and UC Students Against Injustice are doing amazing things on UC’s campus to promote equality, while Xavier has similar initiatives in their Live the Commitment Campaign  and Student Wellness Advocacy Group. 

 The words of D’artagnan “All for one, and one for all,” have never rang more true. We are all humans sharing similar experiences; it is time to stop degrading people, especially by their appearances. We may be divided for a night of basketball, but we are all students who have the privilege to attend two wonderful schools designed to enlighten the mind, and help students attain future goals.

#UCisBetterThanThis.

P.S.: Oh, and UC students using the pick-up lines, “Oh, you can’t go to Xavier, you’re too hot/pretty/beautiful” or “But…wait…you’re not ugly.” does not combat the issue. #XavierGirlsAreUgly is a form of bullying that is unacceptable. You want to talk shit about our free throw percentage go ahead, but then again, what conference are you in? (Hint, this is what real sports trash talk should look like)

With love,

Megan