For My Unsafe Thoughts

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

My situationship hurt my feelings and my best friend from college doesn’t want to talk about it.

Who am I supposed to complain about him to?

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

I need a group of friends where we a share dating stories and then spray each other in the face with water bottles shouting “bad bitch”

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

“Are you okay?”

I just slept with a married man and now I’m driving down the freeway heading to my ex’s house blasting the Alchemy by Taylor Swift. What do you think?

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Being a whore is easy:

When I was young Lady Gaga told me “you can’t have my heart and you won’t use my mind but do what you want with my body” and I really took it to heart

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

My Dr. congratulated me on giving up coffee today.

I’ve had multiple miscarriages and coffee keeps tasting nastier and nastier after each one.

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Me: why am I so horny today?

My period tracker app:

Me: oh

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

It’s crazy to think that if my uterus did its job I’d have a baby this week

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Mateo

My little boy who was never meant to be

Now a painting in my head

A little boy with curls I don’t have the heart to cut

You look so much like your daddy

I should be meeting you next year

But God had other plans

I miss you little Llama

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

My booty call who’s good at sex doesn’t want to hook up anymore so now I need to go back to my booty call who’s not good at sex

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Me: I want a purpose

God: here’s a baby

Me: okay

God: lol, nevermind

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

I’m so thankful my family had a gene for seducing lawyers

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

I thought I’d gotten out of waking up at 4:30 am to vomit when I had my miscarriage but my career induced stress was like “nah”

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Back in April I had sex in the movie theater while watching the super Mario bros movie and now I can’t listen to the super Mario bros theme song without thinking dirty thoughts

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Did I have a miscarriage because my little llama deserved a mom that didn’t call them “llama”?

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Am I over my miscarriage, or am I pretending like I’m over it in order to move on?

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

I may be 33 days away from being unemployed but at least I give good head

[heymoonpls4get2falldown]

Kind of want to confront my sneaky link about whether or not I’m his side chick

Kind of think I should wait a week to make sure the plan B worked