Hidden in the Roses.

This is about the life of a quirky INFJ, asthmatic, ADHD feminist, and pragmatic romantic. Occasionally, I will add some of my writings and poetry I write when inspiration strikes, but just like my erratic mind they will appear here when I feel like it. Feel free to send questions. All in all, don't mind me.  The flowers, nature, and writing are blooming.

[halloweenskellington]

[hidden-in-the-roses]

[hidden-in-the-roses]

Love takes a lot of strength and courage. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to take that step to commit, to be vulnerable and willing to change your values and goals in order to make room for another in your life. It makes you question your worth, sometimes making you wonder whether you really are worth the attention you thought you once commanded. We sometimes lose sight of our own existence and imagination while we pursue these meaningful bonds. In silence, we ponder over the lack of words that haven't been said, wondering where our muses went and where we might find them once again.  At that moment when we find our muses again, we remember why we are so much more than just being one of two people.

s. francisco; love letters lost in mistranslation

[theprocast]

I keep chasing something that’s always far out of reach. No matter how hard I try, no matter how far I outstretch these hardened hands, they never seem to quite reach this final home I keep trying to find. I close my eyes and feel it, this desire to keep pushing forward. In the quiet summer heat to the chill of winter seeping through these bones, it never seems to let go of me.

s. francisco; starry nights in cloudy eyes

[hidden-in-the-roses]

You can find her in lost memories and echoes of children’s laughter. Her smile fondly reminiscing the feeling of the warm summer wind hitting her skin under blistering hot summer days. Her eyes looked fondly forward, imagining the starry nights where the worries of the past no longer took control of her. How much she longed for those days when her heart still beat so freely, without the burdens of adulthood.

s. francisco; starry nights in cloudy eyes

[hidden-in-the-roses]

I saw you walking away from me without any hesitation or sadness. There were no tears or pain exuding from your body as mine shattered to the ground. I wondered whether this love of mine was all just my imagination. I wondered if the feelings in my chest were always this strong and extreme. The feelings of joy as I stared into your eyes and wondered if you could see how much I adored you, and how terrified I was to have these feelings. I wondered if you could see my fear in my eyes as I bore my soul into you. You were always so calm and collected never seeming to understand that despite the calm and quiet persona, the feelings underneath constantly pricked and stabbed the thin skin barely containing it. I wondered if the desires I had to hold you in my arms were one-sided. I wondered if you ever loved me as irrevocably as much as I loved you.

s. francisco; love letters lost in mistranslation

[theprocast]

I forget how much time it takes to fully heal. These little cracks and fractures from missed phone calls to the lost letters and promises never truly fulfilled, these moments of small pain add up. They add up into something far greater than you and I can comprehend until it finally hits you. The pain is too much and your body can no longer hold it. It tips over into the rest of the body, the weight too heavy it breaks the rest of your bones.

s. francisco; sleepless nights 

[theprocast]

Do you see her spinning in circles? Struggling to stop the chaos of her body as it continues its struggle of pain.

s. francisco; haunted evenings

[theprocast]

I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. It hurt so much, this pain that everyone told me didn’t exist. I kept trying to hold onto the last parts of what my old heart used to be despite understanding it would never be the same. When my heart was ripped out of my chest, they laughed and made an incision to see how deep my heart really was. I watched as they smiled and sewed it back to together. They told me that it was just going to be a memory, that it wouldn’t bother me in the long run. Yet, I still try to smile back despite feeling the scars of a still open wound.

s. francisco; love letters lost in mistranslation

[hidden-in-the-roses]

[hidden-in-the-roses]

Did you hear the whispers of the night sky? How much the stars wanted to console you in your darkest times, yet all they could do was continue to shine brightly. They hoped that one day you would understand how much you were needed in this lifetime. How much you were unconditionally loved by the universe that had created you. You were the new constellations of this world, unaware of your own self worth. The caution and pain, the trials and fighting that never seemed to end left you exhausted. Gazing down, they knew they could always find you wandering aimlessly, watching them from afar, and as you stared at them with a stricken heart, homesick for a place you wanted to finally belong and feel safe, they felt stricken too. The grass beneath consoled you as little comets fell down your face. You were the galaxies that the world aspired to create, and in your creation you would combust into something greater and stronger than you would ever understand.

s. francisco; stargazing in daydreams 

[theprocast]

She asked him to love her and all of her decay. She wasn’t perfect. She was a mess. Barely holding herself together as she smiled, as she stared at everyone and tended to the wounds festering others. The feeling of being alone had never stopped her from running, from taking in the whole world as she screamed and fought it with each morning cup of tea. Yet, she was tired of holding in the pain, of smiling and remaining calm despite the storms fighting within her. She yearned for someone who could hold her at the end of the day when her body wore down from the pain. She wanted someone to see her tears hidden beneath laughter and rainy days. She knew it didn’t need to be him who loved her, but it was now that she wanted that someone more than ever to be him.

s. francisco.; love letters lost in translation

[theprocast]

I forget how strong you are. How much power you hide underneath your calm demeanor as you fight your demons. Lashing out at the image in the mirror, screaming at the past for how much it haunts your reflection. You hold so much fire in that steady heart of yours that I sometimes fear you may engulf us all in its flames.

s. francisco; haunted evenings

[hidden-in-the-roses]

[theprocast]

I used to be able to write love letters and poetry until I met you. You ruined them for me. You ruined the sunshine and the light, taking them away in your drunken heaps. You stole away my light taking away everything I had once loved and called my own so proudly.

s. francisco; love letters lost in mistranslation

[theprocast]

I feel greedy when I’m with you. My heart attempts to cling onto you hoping that you will give me the time of day. Is this what my life has come down to?

s. francisco; sleepless nights (via theprocast)

[hidden-in-the-roses]

‘It was never about you,’ she said while gazing down, unable to look at you, ‘and it will never be about you.'   She never asked me to love her. It was never about us. The brooding figure before me was something bigger than I could ever comprehend or that I could fully understand. She was a hidden gem between closed cement that no one ever imagined or cared to break down to find. As I stared at her, I slowly understood: she didn’t want to be found.   She would lose the darkness she had thrived in, the self support she had found in that isolation. In my attempts to lift her from the ground, she knew she would never be able to go back. It was in the shadows and her resiliency that she was able to thrive. For her, the secrets hidden underneath the surface were her muses, constantly lingering around her.

s. francisco; sleeping princess awaken in spring