In Words

I create stories in my head that at some point seemed to be real

[hideoutmyself]

[hideoutmyself]

[hideoutmyself]

[hideoutmyself]

Chapter II

Being twenty-five never seemed easy or imaginative, especially when I was only eighteen and already had my whole future ahead of me, four children, what was on my mind at that time? Today, however, I am still trying to decide whether it is really wise to put a child into this world. In spite of that I looked for the ideal idea of a husband in a guy who although he looked a lot like my father, never really wanted the same thing as me. At first I thought it was just a matter of time and that everything would work out in the end, we would be one big family just like ours, but so many years have passed that we don't realize how far we have become.

When I met him I was still a child writing poems and drawing in pink notebooks, I did not know my body, the world and what he was preparing for me. Now looking back I understand why when I was a teenager I liked flirting so much, it was like living a love story every month, it moved me as if it filled my ego. And that's how I fell in love with him, coming across a guy totally different from my old boyfriends, Victor didn't love me much less loved me like they did, it was a totally new challenge, almost a game that as we can see didn't end, it continued throughout our lives. I remember it as if it were today, my first day of college at only eighteen years old, I walked into the back room and was the center of attention, but not for him. That guy was out of my league, I just didn't find him attractive until I knew he didn't care much for my presence either. I never considered myself an attractive woman much of that because of my low self-esteem totally shaped by fifteen-year-olds during high school who didn't know how much their words were about to hurt me, making me totally insecure, with my body six feet tall and a little over fifty pounds, no breasts which made it even worse in front of the women who were forming right there in front of me, but until then it hadn't occurred to me so much indifference coming from one guy. We spent days and days flirting and yet I still could not recognize the attraction in him that I was used to, I now realize that at that time this made me fall desperately in love with him, not because of the mutual feeling, but because of the idea that that green-eyed man would one day desire me so intensely that he would never be able to leave me. Today, after ending as quietly as possible, our relationship reached a point where neither of us could feel more than great friends who took very good care of each other during all this time. This of course does not exempt the pain of having to overcome every story built together, even those awful moments where nothing made any sense. We definitely love each other, but, we are not that love story of causing sighs to be told, we are just two young people who learned so much from each other that they forgot that love needs passion. After those five days, my mother is not little by little knocking on my door looking for news, were it not for the three times that I answered her calls she would already be here. She knew for a long time that there had been something wrong with me since my little outbreak four months ago when I picked up my things and went to live alone in a rented apartment with nothing less than a double bed. Reasons, I had a lot on my mind, none really. I lived with my parents and my sister in a very well-established, stable, financially secure life, but I really believed that all my problems would be solved with my long-awaited freedom. And to think that I spent the last few years dreaming of an ideal marriage, a planned home, and all I needed was to find myself, and that's what happened in this forty-six-square-foot apartment, I knew that in here I could just be Allice, but I didn't know how hard it would be to be an adult in this challenging world. I can't say that a hundred and twenty hours solved all the dilemmas about my existence, but I needed that time facing the walls, the buildings nothing more than the silence that quieted my anxious mind. I take a long shower and decide to get out of my feelings bubble and return to the reality of the world of hours worked, wearing a jeans and a beautiful t-shirt, my favorite pair of sneakers and feel ready again.

[hideoutmyself]

Chapter I

For five days now I have been sitting here looking out the window, staring at the buildings of this city so big and at the same time so small. Living in the interior of the state has always been comforting, growing up in a city with the air of a metropolis and still present traces of an old country town makes you have too many dreams, that maybe don't fit inside yourself. The last few days inside this apartment made me reflect on all the paths I took until I got here, and most of them were not dreams but rules. Sad to assert yourself, I know, but that's the truth about growing up in a perfect family, in a perfect city, having a relationship that seemed perfect. Finally five years after many ups, downs and downs I really understood that what was missing in me was myself, I lost myself under the pressure of having what everyone wanted to be what they expected, I even affirmed to myself that they were those things that I also wanted so much, I lost myself inside, is that possible? How many times over the years have I biased in fear that people would not understand my thoughts? Fear is the word, not of being different from what they expect, but of making mistakes and not being able to go back, until I realise that life is really made so that bad decisions are made, that we can repent and go back as often as necessary. Learning from mistakes was never a choice, because most of us believe that making mistakes so many times can break you or hurt others, but, who said that perfection would make me happy? I don't blame anyone but myself for this situation, I understand that all were choices and not all were wrong, most of them were based on beliefs and facts almost scientifically proven that so life would be eternally good, like in the margarine commercials, a happy couple in their huge house, two children a boy and a girl and a dog, of course a labrador. These five days I took as time to make sure that from now on I would no longer be Allice from before, that all my decisions would not be extremely calculated, measured and thought in advance, that I would live with the passion that I no longer have for life, people and places that I wanted to get to know. From now on I would never let my creative, cheerful and clumsy self hide behind any thoughtful, cold and calculating frown, after all I have always been the pound girl who loves passion.