hiding from you&me both

can you still see me

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

You remind me of a boy I used to love.

Your expressions, your interests, your thoughts. I did not instantly fall into love with the boy of the past, but grew to love him intensely. I cried when I realized he would not be coming back. Recently, I saw him engaged, six thousand miles away. There was still a lingering, quiet sadness but I could smile softly at his joy.

I saw you walking away, hands in your pockets in a carefree stroll. Your form reminded me so much of this boy I used to love, that instantly I wished I could hug you once more. To tell that boy all the things I’ve gone through since.

I know you are your own person. I know I cannot rely on you to save me from my most recent heartbreak. I can only hope that we can be friends, enough to lend me strength to lift myself.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

The highest of highs comes with the lowest of lows.

Two years ago, I said “fuck it”. The first year and a half, we were madly into each other. This year, or maybe even the end of last year, we fell out of love. Or maybe, you were never in love. Maybe, it was just me who was still in love.

Distance did not seem an issue for me. I have very long, enduring, steady love, traces of it are still there. I think the distance was too much for you. I think you knew as well. You tried to warn me. I ignored it and fell deeper.

Now, I’m not sure what would have been better. Should I have kept my distance those years ago? Or am I satisfied to have loved at all?

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

The higher you fly, the harder you fall.

From the very beginning, he told me he would not be here long. I said “fuck it” and accepted the terms. I thought I would be able to keep him arms length apart, to not get too attached to someone who was temporary.

We had an amazing time. Date nights, movie nights, mornings just talking to each other and tracing and memorizing each other. The warning he gave me from the beginning was pushed far to the back of my mind.

When time came for him to leave, he gave me some good news. He’d be here for another two weeks! Two more weeks of delaying the inevitable.

I only fell harder.

We saw each other more, his profile and scent imprinted in my mind. If I close my eyes now, I could delude myself into believing he was still here.

There are many things I still want to say to him, to ask. Did we ever feel the same way about each other? Did this time mean as much to you as it did me? Could we ever have been more?

His answers could be exciting and scary, but that’s part of being alive, isn’t it?

It’s killing me.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

Ages through ages.

When I was five, 13 seemed forever away and too old. When I was 14, I thought I wouldn't live to 18. When I was 18, I was amazed I was still alive. There are moments I am still amazed I made it here, alive, when there were so many times I did not want to live.

After a while, you get used to the idea that you will die no matter what. One way or another.

When you get to that point, you will think, “what am I doing this for?” And you will question why it matters to anyone else except you..

Everything else becomes an ant.

You finally live.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

Death, my love.

I want to be selfish and keep my loves close to me forever. I want to be selfish and keep my loves close to me forever.

Sometimes, you have to make decisions which go against your selfish desires. You want those you love to be happy even if it means letting them go. In this case, letting go is a permanent decision. You can’t un-kill. There is no reset.

I would rather go through the pain of letting go than to let my love be in pain.Please don’t suffer any more.My cousin’s dog has cancer. On top of that, she also sprained her let running to the mailman. Her walk is slow and stiff, but she never fails to run to the mailman.On top of that, she is currently on three legs, but still has the ability to beat down the 11 month old puppy who is easily twice her size and 30 pounds heavier.On top of that, she still loves us and will run to us for pets and loves.We all want to be selfish and keep our loves close to us forever.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

Sleep is the only escape and that has evaded me tonight.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

I'm trying to sleep but my brain is keeping me up with all the ways I can die.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

I thought this was over.

My therapist advised me to go to the doctor to get blood tests done. My vitamin D levels were non-existent. So I did vitamin D therapy. Maintained with store bought vitamins. For a long time, I thought I was done. There would be no more.

Then today, after an extremely stressful and disappointing work day, I just wanted to feel something. To have that pain again, to remind me I was still there and there was still something.

Without thinking, I poured the hot water that just came out of the Keurig onto my wrist. The immediate burn was a huge sigh of relief. My skin turned red and angry and anything that touched it hurt. I wondered why I did that, so stupid.

There is a constant sharp pain, a pleasant background reminder. But this was a dumb way to go about it since I can't put my wrist down or pull my sleeve over it.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

There is no prince, no white knight, no one who can save you. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

People who are dumb with money

My roommate. Complains about not having enough money but is buying things like crazy. I understand going out with friends and buying food but trips to Vegas and music festivals aren't exactly cheap and going to a couple per month adds up. On too of that, a future car payment and school loans coming up. And she talks about this while buying a hundred dollar outfit for the upcoming Vegas trip....

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

Run run run run run

I run from my feelings. The deep depression that grabs me and pins me down if I don't. I run to forget, even if for that moment. If I don't, I break.

I'm afraid. If I stop. If I stop running, stop moving forward and just succumb to these overwhelming feelings... it's just so easy. I'm afraid if I stop, I stop forever.

It would just be too hard to get back up.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

We all sat on that roof that night, beer in hands, fireworks bursting above our heads. Besides the sounds of explosions, we were quiet, enjoying the night we spent together. We were all grown and the childhood we spent together were yellowed and faded memories. The fireworks brought us together as they did in the past. One day, we will look back and this night will become one of these faded memories. When we grow old, we will look on this night and say to each other: "Remember when we were younger and the time we spent together?"

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

She was alive three days ago. And now she's not.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

Deathdays and birthdays.

Slowly, absence becomes normalcy.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

He has an issue with the model. She's pretty, but she's not a size 6 like she used to be. We probably can't use her anymore.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

Memories and music.

The HIMYM song. My college roommate introduced this show to me. Warm summer evenings, when we had finished with classes and chores, we'd grab some snacks and settled down in the living room. We had an XBox and Netflix and a 50" flat screen (courtesy of our other roommate) and we used it as much as possible. Sometimes, the cats (also courtesy of our roommate) would tolerate us enough to settle down next to us. So with the sweet scent of summer jasmines heavy in the air, without demands nor responsibilities, without a care in the world, we created simple memories of carefree times we could look back at. Memories triggered by sounds and scents. Ones we have and keep with us forever.

[hidingfromyoumeboth]

How to describe...

There are ups and downs and apathy.

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In the past, cutting was a way to deal with the lows until they passed. I decided to stop that. Scars have a story everyone wants to hear. A story I am not done with, not ready to tell.

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Therapy? Sure. I tried. I promised myself after an extreme low. The problem being that the low ends after a few weeks. I feel healed, like there was nothing wrong to begin with. I end therapy.

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I don't wait for the next low. I know it will come. When it does, I know it will end.

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That is my solace.