無常

the wound is the place where the light enters you

[hikarispace]

i am filled with the kind of longing that consumes even the more rational parts of me.

if wanting never made sense, then i was never sane when i let you in.

you, who pushed me past the brink of my limits, only to fall into an abyss of more -

to watch me lose control over myself, to crack open all that i never knew existed within me.

& i am still falling.

when i look at what i've created around me, the magnitude of this landscape i've tried so hard to conceal becomes a gaping void.

we contain multitudes but all i see is the world i built for us.

& all i have is the ability to love through all the ego deaths & transformations, until the day comes where perhaps i am no longer recognizable because love has changed me.

if this was the only love i knew, how can i let another love in without destroying everything within?

[hikarispace]

“

I still have things I wanna tell you.

Small things;

Something that happened today,

A joke you would’ve liked.

Then I remember:

An ending no one would’ve guessed.

Just time moving forward

And taking you with it.

Somehow the world kept going

Just like it’s supposed to

Some days,

Most days,

Mine still stops with you.

”

[hikarispace]

“I feel like the length that we grieve is the length that we loved them. & if grieving lasts forever, then I loved you forever.

I love you forever.

The length that we grieve is the length that we love. & if i grieve you for the rest of my life, then I promise I’m loving you for the rest of my life.”

[hikarispace]

i’ve been lucky to be blessed with experiencing such a love of a lifetime. & i am still trying to challenge my doubts about experiencing a love that’s more aligned with who i am now & who i want to be.

to grieve over a decade of memories & places i’ve been to; it’s true when they say you don’t get over grief, you just learn how to live with it. i am less disjointed whenever an abrupt emotion rises up with a faded memory, but it feels so hard to shake the parts of me where a part of you still resides in. call it sentimentality, but i guess i have already come to accept that because you were there, i can be here now.

maybe with the shedding that comes with every full moon, i am allowed to remember you in a space where it’s just me, so i can be with the you who once loved me.

& in this space, i can allow the me who once loved you to remember the everlasting youth that we both felt.

[free-parking-blog]

Felix Gonzalez-Torres’s Untitled (Perfect Lovers), 1991

[The work] consists of a pair of inexpensive, plain-faced wall clocks, ticking away side by side. The instructions for installation insist that the two be set at exactly the same time, but because of their imprecise mechanisms, it is only a short time before one of the clocks falls a second or two behind the other. “The beauty of the piece is that it is a very perfect image of what a couple is, trying to stay on the same page but never actually being able to,” says Molesworth. (via)

Gonzalez-Torres dedicated the work to his lover Ross Laycock, who died of an AIDS-related illness the same year.

[hikarispace]

When feelings from a lifetime ago comes up, I think about how my heart used to beat when the world cracked open and blinded my eyes.

[hikarispace]

there’s an underlying resentment that bubbles up when i held on so much in a similar position & then when i verbalize suggestions for another, they end up projecting some of their emotions onto me. i already suspect it’s just the nature of how my design is, but it’s still uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of it. it’s unfair to expect others to have it together just cuz i felt like i held it together. well, it’s also unfair to have them spilling all their emotions just c because they don’t have a handle on things.

if i could express a huge, tired sigh-

this is why i pull away from people when their emotions become too much. i don’t have the capacity to nurse both of our emotions so if everyone would just do the work, it would take the load off transmuting.

[hikarispace]

i am once again appalled at how you plague my dreams

& how in each of them

they’re a continuation of all the things i could not express

only for an avalanche of unspoken words long overdue to take over my emotions in a dreamscape

& even then i am confronted by the confusion, the ambiguity, the lukewarm responses that tells me

i am never getting the answers i want from you

is this just the stress & suppressed emotions processing

or is this some karmic bullshit release

regardless all i am asking for is just 6 hours of peaceful sleep

[hikarispace]

it’s just so exhausting juggling this much on my plate-

between the sleepless nights, the pile of unread articles, the literature research i am expected to be doing;

the cases, the sessions, the meetings & oh god, the admin firefighting

& simply finding a pocket of space for me to just take a breath

to decompress & to release all that i’ve been holding onto

i know i get so tired trying to do everything alone

i’m learning to be okay with being less perfect, because someone reminded me that being perfect means trying to be omnipotent

but all i am, is just human

a sensitive human who is taking in so so much & trying to process every little thing - it’s just too much, everything is too much.

i am trying to just be. to & be more connected, grounded.

i’m trying to be more conservative in how i am spending my energy currency, & pay attention to what i’m spending on

sn’t it ironic we attach the verb to pay to attention? i’ll need to give over in exchange for something. funny, language has a way of hiding things in plain sight. i’ll need to compensate something in exchange for attention. i’m being reminded again, to be more discerning of what i am compensating in exchange for my focus on something.

i just can’t afford to be paying attention to every single goddamn thing, it’s literally killing me & sucking my soul dry.

i’m sleepless, exhausted, & just trying my best to be great at all i’m doing. but i just don’t have the energy & capacity to be at my best for every single thing on my plate right now.

well, as i’m learning to be okay with that, i’ll just have to come back to this note next year & we’ll see if i get through this in one piece.

[ymutate]

Nicola Godden

Icarus

[hikarispace]

The universe knows where you are, & who you are -

even if you’ve forgotten.

[hikarispace]

what gets to me is the surge of ancient feelings having me in a chokehold whenever something triggers the vault. the familiarity of aged anguish squeezing my heart & the sting of dry eyes unable to cry. sometimes, i am beyond words to express this heavy weight dragging behind me like a shadow.

it’s october, & i am desperate to end this cycle. in a few weeks’ time, it would be 3 years.

3 years of hard work put in to accept that you were both the harbinger of my greatest joy & grief in the peak of my youth.

& on days like these, i think about the book i will never publish about this story, & hope that the release will come soon for me.

[hikarispace]

there is a kind of quiet fury just under the surface when you have given so much, made the decision to shut off all leaky spiritual taps, only to feel the unmistakable vibrations of demands for more more more that threatens the fragile sanity of your being

& people wonder why i just can’t:

- listen to another word of whatever is going on

- rearrange my facial features into looking like i have a fk ounce of empathy left

- stay grounded in whatever space i’m in because their energies + everything else have just tipped into the too much zone

no, i do not want to absorb anymore information; it is at overload now

[hikarispace]

home was never a place on earth

i thought i found the closest thing to it

beneath your arm with my ear on your beating heart

when that dissolved into an illusion

i learned that i had to be my home for me

makes me wish i could share this anyway

[hikarispace]

when all is still except for the speakers in my room vibing in their attempts to help me maintain my focus to continue writing, & i struggle with coming to peace why do i do this to myself on a monthly basis, blinking my sorry eyes that have dried out from staring at my screen, i tether between staring into space & sinking through time, with my upset stomach the only thing to ground me & -

this pains me but i can’t for the life of me connect with any permanent line of reasoning to convince myself i like this besides knowing that i can do it.

i don’t think school was any easier but in retrospect, did i need to have the threat of possibly being expelled + deported to actually find the motivation to do this?

[hikarispace]

"Someone once said that just remembering something painful makes the brain feel like it is reliving it. So, instead of completely forgetting you, if the memories just come to me less and less, that alone is already a blessing."

[hikarispace]

時々に会えたかった