Jared || Guess who
Love myself. It always came down to that. He had to love himself. It was hard to even begin to do that. Sure the former Slytherin did love himself at times but it wasn’t constant. The feelings would come and go. He had a love hate relationship with himself and part of that was because of his father. Ryos wasn’t the best of fathers, yes, but it wasn’t entirely his fault. Nadia wasn’t even his daughter and maybe it was wrong but he didn’t blame his father anymore than his mother. They both were at fault with it all. He loves them both, his mother very dearly, but if it weren’t for the way she was, and gods know how she is, his father probably wouldn’t have questioned his existence. Jared didn’t know if his mother has cheated on his father before but when you’re unfaithful to someone it’s hard to believe them even if the kid looked exactly like them. Nadia looked like them and yet she wasn’t Ryos’, not by blood at least.
He licked his lips, looking down and avoiding eye contact with the girl. Her red hair made him want to cry even more. He felt pathetic and weak and gods did he hate that feeling. It wasn’t until he felt a slight pain that he realized he wasn’t breathing. He slowly let the air from his lungs out. They were ragged which wasn’t a surprise to him. He didn’t blame the way his other self reacted. He did the same thing with Noah and Omar. He just couldn’t believe it. It’s hard to believe people that you love do the same bad things you do, feel the same way you do, until you see it for yourself. He still remembered, clear as day, the time he walked in on Omar in the act. The pain he felt for his son. He remembered helping him clean up the mess and cover them with bandages. The way he cupped his little boy’s face in his hands and told him to be strong, that he didn’t need to do things like that, that he wasn’t alone anymore and that his dad was there for him and he loved him so much. He remembered crying and pulling him into his chest and holding him there for what seemed hours and Omar just crying. Jared knew it was mainly because he felt he disappointed him and he knew that Omar was scared. With Noah it wasn’t any different either. Noah was basically like a son to him.
"I’m trying," he muttered. He didn’t know what else to say. He was trying his damn hardest to be strong and hold on. It was terrifying knowing that any moment the poison could be attacking him again and he could be some place no one could find him and he’d be gone. Sure there were times he wanted to do that, to hide away and let it take it’s course but he knew better. He knew Brenna needed him, and Omar, and Westley and all his little boys and baby girl and gods he knew that Ian would bring him back just to strangle him and then kiss him repeatedly telling him how stupid he is and selfish. Some days were just harder than others at this point. He was trying and that’s all he could really do. At points he wondered if Ian even remembered about the poison or if anyone remembered at that. It’s been so long since the incident and Chase and his crew have still yet to come up with some sort of cure or idea on how to get rid of it. There were days it made him look so sick that Ian refused to let him go to work or even move from bed. There were days that Chase had to make house calls because he couldn’t move from the toilet because of vomiting.
Jared looked up, this time meeting the girl’s gaze. She had his eyes and smile but her nose and her hair was Lily. It was all Lily. She was beautiful, so very beautiful that it pained him. This, this girl is a product of his and Lily’s love in some other universe and at some point she could of been a product of their love here. He bit his lip, taking in the little scars she had on her cheeks or forehead. The little scars she probably got horsing around with her brother or him. He tried to picture her when she was younger, carrying her to the car seat or a stroller or even up stairs to her room while she was passed out on the couch with him. He tried to picture the life he could of have but it only came in snippets that hurt.
She smiled softly, lovingly even because although in different worlds, he was still her father. She refrained from hugging him or coming near to him. Hilarie tilted her head, "That's all anyone can really ask from you. You are aware of that, correct? You probably feel like you're failing but that's only because you've been battling your demons for far too long it no longer feels like a battle but a war. You're trying and that's all that matters though. There isn't a right or wrong way to recover and make peace with yourself. It's a pain in the ass but it takes time." "Not days or a few months, sometimes it takes years but it'll be worth it. The light of the tunnel will get closer with time. There'll be ups and downs, road blocks and dead ends, yes. It's going to be painful and exhausting but you know that. You need to learn to exist without the behaviors that have etched themselves into your soul for means of survival. You're trying and you'll get there. I'm sure."
Hilarie noticed the way he was looking at her. She couldn't figure out what all was going through his mind. Hilarie then turned slightly to look out into the open, "This street looks like the one my father taught me how to Rollerblade on. I ended up crashing into that fence. Hurt my head." She chuckled, "Mum pleaded me to stop but I was stubborn. Dad was always one to support me in what I wanted so we'd sneak out and go practice together. That way, I could join my brother when he'd go out on his bike. I know how to ride a bike but I always hated the way it feels after you get off when you've been sitting down on the seat too long. You know how to rollerblade, Jared?"
