How to Talk About Consent
Dr. Sara C. Flowers, Vice President, Education, Planned Parenthood Federation of America
âThe Gender Spectrum Collectionâ by Broadly
Youâve probably heard the word âconsentâ recently, and for good reason â consent is an essential part of having a safe, fun, and healthy sex life. But many people donât know how to talk about consent â or even what it means. They may not learn about consent in school or from their families, and we rarely see people talking about what they want or donât want in sex scenes in movies or TV shows. Thatâs why Planned Parenthood provides education and creates resources â to help people learn how to navigate these conversations.
First, what exactly is consent? Consent is when people agree to something â often this is sexual things, like kissing, touching, oral sex, vaginal sex, or anal sex â but it really could be about any activity between people. It needs to be totally clear that both people involved are into it. Partners need to check in with one another before doing anything sexual, and also throughout the experience to make sure that everyone involved is excited about it. Consent looks like a clear, happy, excited âyes!â communicated through words and/or body language. The key is that there should be no guessing, no assumptions, no leaving the burden on the other person to stop you.
That means if you want to do something sexual with someone, ask them. This doesnât mean asking to âgetâ consent. This means communicating what you want, asking with curiosity and openness what they want, and then seeing where thereâs overlap with what they want, and then figuring out your next steps together. Without this mutual decision making and clarity, someone may experience harm, even if thatâs not your intent. Sexual assault is ANY sexual contact without consent, and unfortunately it happens way too often. Thatâs why understanding consent matters.
The good news is that this stuff doesnât have to be awkward. In fact, itâs pretty easy: say what you want to do and ask the other person how they feel about it. Planned Parenthood created a âConsent 101â video series that explains what consent is and shows examples of what it looks like in practice. You can check them out HERE.
The best way to remember it is that consent is as easy as FRIES:
Freely Given. This means people are given the space to give whatever answer they want, without pressure, manipulation, or being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is particularly important to pay attention to if one person has more power than the other, based on their identity or status.
Reversible. Anyone can change their mind at any point in the interaction. Even if itâs something youâve done before, and even if youâre both already naked.
Informed. You can only consent to something if you have all the information you need. So if someone says theyâll use a condom and then they donât, thereâs not consent.
Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, each person should only do what they WANT to do; no one has to do anything because someone expects them to do it. Communicate with your partner early and often to make sure theyâre  into what youâre doing together.
Specific. Saying yes to one thing doesnât mean youâve said yes to other things. For example, consenting to going to the bedroom to make out doesnât mean youâve consented to have sex.
So letâs say you want to kiss someone. You can say, âI really want to kiss you. How do you feel about that?â If they say âIâd like thatâ and look genuinely happy, thatâs a pretty clear signal of consent. If you ask âCan I kiss you?â and they say âyesâ but seem unsure or withdrawn, you need to pause and ask how theyâre feeling. You can check in again by saying something like, âI want to make sure youâre into this. How are you feeling?â If they say âno,â or âI donât know,â or donât respond at all, theyâre not consenting, and you should ask them what theyâre feeling/thinking.
Remember: the key is listening and paying attention to your partner (including words and body language), and communicating your desires and boundaries as clearly as you can. This is even more essential if thereâs a power difference - like because someone has more social status, one person is openly queer while the other is not, or because of race or gender power dynamics.
Planned Parenthood is the nationâs largest provider of sex education, and weâre committed to helping people communicate about sex respectfully and honestly, and engage in healthy relationships. We believe that all people deserve access to information and skills that can help them make healthy decisions about their bodies, sex, and relationships.
Planned Parenthood is here for you, in-person, online, and on your phone. You can make an appointment to speak with a doctor or nurse at your local Planned Parenthood health center. You can have live conversations with trained educators via our Chat/Text program at PlannedParenthood.org/chat or text âPPNOWâ to 774636 (PPINFO) to get answers about pregnancy, birth control, emergency contraception, STDs, and abortion. You can check out our new our new sexual health chatbot, Roo, at Roo.PlannedParenthood.org, to ask questions about all things sexual health, 24/7.You can also learn more about consent, healthy relationships, and sexual health at PlannedParenthood.org, and follow us on our Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram pages.
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