Lost Checkers Book 4 - Chapter 8
https://archiveofourown.org/works/82350926/chapters/233310326
July 5th, 2018. Amsterdam.
The band and their crew traveled to Germany, where they played shows in Berlin and Hamburg. They were back to long bus rides, just like during their tour in the States earlier that year. However, with a smaller bus that only had one tight sitting area, the boys were forced to spend their time on the road in close proximity. For that, it was a good thing that in the week since they had departed Warsaw, they had all moved past Lukeâs incident. Sam, Xavier, Malcolm, and Bennett still held that Luke should consider himself lucky that nothing worse than getting blackout and having sex with a consenting stranger had happened that night. Luke swore that he had learned his lesson, but they werenât convinced; he was leading the charge on finding humor in the whole ordeal now, laughing and making fun of how shaken and afraid he had been in the morning. To him, it was a close call but not a rock bottom.Â
Luke was still eager to go out almost every night during their stay in Germany, but the boys stayed close to him to make sure he made responsible choices, or to get him back to the hotel in one piece when he didnât. There was still some slightly unresolved tension since Lukeâs behavior hadnât really changed - Luke partying like this was just the norm now, whether the rest of them liked it or not. However, during the day when he was sober and they were all together, crammed in the back of the bus as they were on their drive to the Netherlands, it felt like old times.
âWhat in the world are you watching?â Sam finally asked after enduring almost an hour of dramatic gasps and laughter from Malcolm, Bennett, and Luke. He had been trying to ignore it, but he could hear the obnoxious reality TV voices over the music from his headphones.
âLove Island,â Malcolm and Luke said in unison.
âSounds awful,â Sam scoffed, not needing to hear anything else.
It was a British show. None of them had ever heard of it before, but Malcolm, Bennett, and Luke had somehow started watching it one night when they were staying in a hotel in the UK. They spent the whole flight from Dublin to Warsaw watching an old season of it together, and now they were hooked on the drama.
Xavier finally bit. He, like Sam, had been trying to tune out the TV and their commentary. âWhat even is this show?â
âBasically all these people live in this villa, and they have to couple up to win money,â Bennett explained hurriedly, as he could tell a juicy conversation was about to happen between two of the people on screen.
He had never cared much for reality TV, especially not reality dating shows, but it was a good way to pass time on the long bus rides. He and Malcolm and Luke were way too invested in the dynamics of the contestants on the show and made each other laugh by repeating the stupid things they said in exaggerated impressions of their British accents.
âHow do you watch this garbage?â Xavier asked after paying attention for one heated argument scene. âHow is watching people humiliate themselves funny?â
âItâs entertainment,â Malcolm insisted, brushing off Xavierâs concerns. âItâs hardly real.â
Malcolm, Bennett, and Luke clapped and squealed with delight as the couple on screen started making out and quickly getting undressed in bed together.
Even Sam found himself watching, filled with morbid curiosity. âSo weird,â he said, shaking his head.
âImagine the camera man like, right there,â Luke laughed, miming that he was holding a big film camera right in Malcolm and Bennettâs faces. He pushed his imaginary camera closer to them. âOh yeah, like that guys, get into it.â
Then, the scene on the show cut to a green night vision view, aimed right at the bed, with plenty of moans to accompany it. Everything was covered by sheets, but it was not discrete. The boys nearly screamed.
âI donât know how anyone can do that knowing theyâre being filmed,â Xavier sighed, not amused.
âWait til you hear about this thing called porn,â said Sam.
âI mean like, real people,â Xavier clarified.
Malcolm snorted. âIâm pretty sure porn stars are real people.â
Xavier ignored him. âLike, this is going to be out there forever,â he said, gesturing to the TV which was now showing a different couple who were talking about kinks with each other. âIâll never understand why celebrities even make sex tapes. Like, whatâs the plan? They always get leaked. Are they really filming it just so they can go back and watch it themselves?â
âI guess it turns some people on,â Luke suggested. âLike, just having it does something for them. I donât know, I wouldnât wanna see myself.â
Malcolm chuckled to himself, but then his laughter grew until he couldnât contain it.
Bennett turned to look at him. âWhat?â
âYou donât know,â Malcolm said coyly, âbut I actually took a picture once.â
âWhat?â Bennett was confused, and doubtful. âNo, you didnât.â
âOh JesusâŚâ Luke sighed, sitting back.
Malcolm scrolled back a few months in his camera roll and quickly found the picture he was looking for: a selfie, through the mirror on the ceiling of the back of the old tour bus, with Bennett on his knees in front of him. His face was mostly obscured by the darkness and Malcolmâs well placed hand, and there was a purple sheen over the whole picture and several light flares from the LED lights on the ceiling.
Bennett let out a laugh when Malcolm showed him the photo. âOh my God. Youâre demented. I had no idea you took that.â
He took the phone and zoomed in, piecing together when this was taken. The focal point of the photo was the way Malcolm looked up at the camera through the mirror, with a knowing, smug smile, his other hand on Bennettâs head, fingers in his hair. The rest of the photo was thankfully ambiguous, since any indecency was covered or just difficult to make out in the dark lighting. It wasnât explicitly pornographic, but it was definitely kind of erotic. Â
Malcolm had the same smile on his face now, wickedly delighted by his own naughtiness.Â
âDo we want to see?â Luke asked regretfully curious.
Bennett passed the phone across the table to Luke and Xavier. They both squinted at the screen, then did a double take as they realized what they were looking at.
âIs that you?â Luke asked, taking a closer look.
Bennett chuckled. âWho else would it be?â
âIs⌠that on the bus?â Xavier asked with a note of judgement. âWhen the fuck were you guys- you know what, I donât wanna know.â
Sam sighed and extended his hand for the phone. âOkay, fine.â He was sure he did not want to see this, but didnât want to be left out. He studied the photo for a second. He was slightly grateful for his impaired vision, but he still got the idea of what he was looking at. âGreat,â he said sarcastically, passing Malcolm his phone back. âMy brother getting a blow job.â
âYou shouldnât keep that on your phone,â Xavier warned. âYou should delete it. What if it gets leaked?â
Malcolm shrugged, pocketing his phone. âWhatever.â
Sam, Xavier, and Lukeâs voices piled up, quickly telling Malcolm how stupid that attitude was.
âWhat do you mean âwhatever?â You would be shitting bricks if that leaked.â
âWasnât Teo just telling you guys you need to be more careful?â
Malcolm waved his hands to try to silence them. âI just mean,â he said loudly. âIâm not worried about it. I mean, how do things leak, anyway?â
âCelebrity sex tapes and nudes leak all the time,â Xavier warned him. âThatâs what I was just talking about.â
âAnd our fans find everything,â said Sam. âThey literally know our entire tour itinerary. They found out what hotels we are staying at.â
Bennett, who found this whole conversation quite amusing, ignored what Sam said. âYeah, but I think they leak it themselves most of the time,â he said, referring to celebritiesâ sex tapes. âItâs all for attention. The whole thing is staged, I bet. Just part of some PR scheme.â
âYeah, maybe Iâll be the one to leak it,â Malcolm said.
âYeah, right,â Bennett scoffed. âI dare you.â
âMouse,â Sam said with a warning tone. âDonât.â
Luke chimed in. âTeo would kill you.â
âIâm not scared of Teo,â Malcolm chuckled.
Bennett shot him an unconvinced look. They were all a little scared of Teo.
âYou donât want something like that on the internet forever. Thatâs gonna haunt you. Even if you feel good about it now, youâll regret it someday,â Sam said seriously. âWhat if- what if you have kids one day? How would you feel if your kids saw that?â
Luke let out a burst of laughter. âWhich one of them do you think is getting pregnant?â
Malcolm tightened his jaw, not finding this joke funny. âHey, fuck you,â he muttered dismissively.
The thought had crossed his mind before, about how he would feel about his digital footprint when he got older. Malcolm thought the photo really wasnât much worse than some of the other images of himself that already existed online. There were a lot of clips and photos from various shows that already lived online in infamy: not so subtly touching the bulge in his pants on stage, mining blow jobs with microphones, and the time he put his hand down the back of Bennettâs pants to squeeze his ass during a performance. Honestly, the thing he hated the most, though heâd never let on about it, was a picture of himself wearing just boxer briefs that Luke had posted years ago, before they were ever famous. It was taken at a time when Malcolm was a bit heavier and not feeling too great about his body, and of course fans had dug it up.Â
Malcolm was well aware of the fact that everything on the internet was forever; he had been in high school during the rise of social media and had been warned of that fact many times. But thinking about how it might affect his future, what his future kids might see, wasnât a concern he let himself think about too much right now.
âRelax, Iâm not posting it,â Malcolm promised again. âI was just kidding, jeez.â
Malcolm wished that Lukeâs comment didnât bother him as much as it did. âWhich one of them do you think is getting pregnant?â Like the idea of Malcolm and Bennett having kids was ridiculous and impossible. Of course, the idea of one of them getting pregnant was, but Malcolm didnât like to think about that.
The truth was, Malcolm really wanted to have kids. It was something he and Bennett often talked about together, just in little passing daydream conversations, discussing how they would parent together and what they wanted their family to be like. The conversation was never very serious though. Obviously, they were still young - 22 and 23, and not at all at a point in their career or their lives where they were actually thinking of settling down in that way - but it was something that they hoped would happen eventually.
The other reason why they never got too far with this conversation was the âhowâ. As Luke had so aptly pointed out, neither of them was going to get pregnant. There were options, of course, for when they were ready. But honestly, if Malcolm could get pregnant himself, he would. He remembered when he was five years old and his mom was pregnant with the twins. He was just so fascinated by the whole thing. He had grown up always wanting, and somewhat expecting, to have kids of his own one day. But he had come to realize that was something he was never going to experience, at least not in the way his parents had. He could be a father one day, but it wouldnât be the same, he thought. He wouldnât be able to pick apart the features of his childâs face and aspects of their personality and piece together what came from him and what came from the person he loved. He sometimes forgot, when he thought absentmindedly about having kids in the future, that that wasnât a possibility. It hurt, which is why he tried not to think about it.Â
âYou good?â Bennett asked Malcolm as they stood in the lobby of the hotel, while Teo got the whole party checked in. It was taking longer than usual, and Malcolm had zoned out a little as he leaned on his suitcase, thinking about all of this.
âOh yeah,â he said with a smile, snapping back to reality. âExcited to be here.â
After everyone got checked into their rooms and took some time to rest and recharge, they met back up to head out and explore the city of Amsterdam. Patrick, Nathan, and Josh joined the guys, as they often did on nights like this. They had been to Amsterdam before on previous tours with other bands they worked with, and they were excited to be back. During the next few days spent in Amsterdam, the band and their crew had arrangements to take a canal cruise and visit the Van Gogh museum, but for this first night, after spending all day crammed on the bus, their plans only consisted of food, drinks, and weed.
The entire city had a faint smell of weed. Bennett had spent many years as a pothead and he was eager to see what Amsterdam had to offer. Malcolm had never really been that into smoking, even in college. He only smoked socially, and usually when he was already quite drunk. Sam and Xavier had similar habits with weed, but Luke was more like Bennett. At first, the smell that permeated the streets made Malcolm feel a little nauseous, but he warmed up to it soon. It was a good night out, but even as Malcolm and Luke laughed until they couldnât breathe, holding onto each otherâs shoulders when they tried to navigate the city and got the group a little lost, Malcolmâs brain was still trailing back to Lukeâs comment.
He knew Luke meant no harm by it. Malcolm didnât think that Luke or Sam or Xavier - or even Bennett for that matter - would expect this to be something that would plague his thoughts so much. His friends knew that he was emotional, thoughtful, caring, and maybe even a little dramatic sometimes, but he didnât expect them to think he was someone who spent a lot of time thinking about his future, dwelling over how he would be able to have kids with the person he loved one day. None of them, except Bennett, understood the full extent of Malcolmâs internal struggles with his sexuality.
It was intentional that Malcolm didnât share that side of him with the rest of his friends. It was second nature to him at this point to compartmentalize different aspects of who he was, and to carefully choose what he presented; he had kept a whole side of his thoughts and feelings to himself for years before he had come out to Bennett and eventually the rest of the band and his family. The more confident, self-assured side of Malcolm was what most of the world always saw; his easy charm and goofy, often a little flirty, sense of humor was probably the reason why he had an easy time making friends in high school, and it definitely contributed to the success of Lost Checkers.Â
Many of his close friends and family knew the more thoughtful and nerdy side of him. He didnât completely try to hide this side of himself though, and there were many fans - the ones who cared deeply about Malcolm and liked to think they knew him better than more casual fans - who saw his sensitive and intellectual side despite his usual stage presence. They loved this about him, enjoying that he was multidimensional and had a softer side. But this wasnât who Malcolm Rose was really supposed to be.
To the world, Malcolm Rose was carefree, silly, and a bit impulsive and reckless. Malcolm Rose didnât care what other people thought about him. He was confident and flirty. He owned the stage and the fame. But Malcolm was a performer - he loved to put on the charming and alluring persona. Even if that wasnât who he was truly at his core, he was good at it.
But the outgoing, bold, and ridiculous Malcolm Rose was who the people of Amsterdam saw that night. As the night went on, Malcolm ended up having a lot of fun. He put on an amazing performance of Donât Stop Me Now by Queen in a karaoke bar, impressing everyone there who had no idea he was actually a singer. He even got Bennett to join him for Heroes by David Bowie, trading off verses and harmonizing as they sloshed their beers on the small stage. Through the streets of Amsterdam, as the group walked along the canal, Malcolm smoked more weed than he had in a long time. It was good stuff, and definitely stronger than his low tolerance was used to.Â
When they finally all decided to call it a night, they headed back to the hotel, feeling warm and good. The stillness of the hotel room was almost jarring after their exciting night out. Malcolm and Bennett were lying across the large bed. They were stretched out on their backs, lying in opposite directions so their heads were close together, passing the small joint that they still had back and forth. The air above them filled with a light gray cloud of smoke and hung there, illuminated by just the bedside lamp and some street lamps that shone through the drapes.
 Malcolm let out a long, slow breath of smoke. âMan, do you ever feel like⌠being gay just sucks?â
âSucks ass,â Bennett said lightly, not initially catching the seriousness of Malcolmâs words. He turned his head to look at him. âWhat is it this time?â
It wasnât the first time Malcolm had brought up something like this. Over the year they had been together, they had had many long conversations where Malcolm shared his deep thoughts about how he felt about being gay. He had told Bennett before about how it bothered him that he didnât fully understand why he was like this, or how he fit into nature and biology. He often brought up the idea of what it would have been like to be born in a different time - or even a different country in modern times. It was so disturbing to think that if he had been born under different circumstances, he would have been jailed or killed at worst, or doomed to be in a loveless, sexless marriage to a woman. Bennett never really thought about these things himself; he didnât see any use in dwelling on things he didnât understand or abstract hypotheticals, but he would always listen to Malcolmâs ramblings.
Malcolm turned onto his side, propping his head in his hand. âI want kids,â he said, his voice coming out a little whinier than he had intended. âI want to have a baby thatâs me and you.â
âI know,â Bennett murmured, offering him a sympathetic look. It wasnât something that exactly bothered him at the moment, but he understood what Malcolm meant - it would be nice to have a little mini combination of them one day, a child that was theirs to love and nurture. But it just wasnât that easy for them.
âLike for straight people, they literally just have to fucking have sex and then, boom, they have a baby. Itâs so easy that people do it accidentally all the time!â
Bennett laughed lightly. He caught Malcolmâs hand that he was using to gesticulate as he spoke and interlocked their fingers. âI think weâre kinda lucky to not have to worry about that. I would definitely be pregnant by now.â
âIt just sucks,â Malcolm said, not acknowledging Bennettâs attempt at humor. âLike, if we adopt, Iâm sure Iâm gonna love those kids. Iâm not worried about that. I wanna be a dad, and-â he cut himself off by taking the joint back from Bennett. He inhaled deeply and slowly, holding the smoke at the back of his throat for a second before letting it out. âBut itâs just⌠itâs more complicated, we canât just make a baby ourselves. It just feels like one more way that we get fucked over, one more shitty thing we have to deal with for being gay, you know? Like everyone else gets to do it, itâs not fair that we donât.â
âWell, not everyone does,â Bennett offered. âLots of people canât have kids, so they adopt or whatever.â
Malcolm passed the joint back to Bennett and made a âHmm,â as if he wasnât fully convinced.
âAnd Luke,â Bennett started his sentence before taking a long drag, âhis dad isnât really his dad.â
âWhat?â Malcolmâs jaw dropped. âYou mean, his mom-â
Bennett cut off where he knew Malcolm was going with this. âNo. They couldnât get pregnant, so they had to use a sperm donor. I guess there was some issue with his dadâs, so⌠so his real dad is just some guy out there who donated sperm.â
âWhat?â Malcolm asked again.
âYeah. Itâs kind of freaky, when you think about it, because heâs an only child, but he could have all these half brothers and sisters out there, if the guy donated a lot of sperm. And Mr Tenner is just some random guy who raised him, heâs not even related to him.â Bennett paused and suddenly sat up. âHoly crap, I wasnât supposed to tell you that.â
Malcolm sat up too, shaking some of the confusion from his head. âHuh?â
âHis parents just told him this year, over Christmas,â Bennett explained. âHeâs been kinda freaking out about it, but I wasnât supposed to tell anyone.â
âThatâs fucking crazy,â Malcolm breathed. âSo is he gonna like, try to find his real dad or something?â
âI donât think so,â Bennett said. âMaybe getting more answers would help, though. I think it bothers him a lot, like the way heâs been acting so insane lately.â
Malcolm never would have guessed that such shocking news had rocked Lukeâs world a few months ago, or that Bennett had been keeping that information a secret. He felt bad for Luke, learning that at age 22, after believing your whole life that your dad was your dad. He wasnât surprised that Luke had talked to Bennett about it though. Bennett was good to talk to about things.
âHmm. Yeah, that makes sense,â Malcolm muttered.
Bennett put his hand on Malcolmâs arm, wrapping his fingers around it tightly. âMac, you canât tell anyone - I wasnât supposed to tell you. Please donât say anything to Luke.â
Malcolm nodded. âDonât worry about it. I, uh⌠Iâm pretty baked,â he admitted with a chuckle, leaning back against the pillows.
His brain was already quite a bit impaired, and he couldnât even remember why he had been thinking about any of this in the first place. Right⌠the picture. He pulled out his phone and looked at it again. It really wasnât even that bad, he thought.
He opened up Instagram and started a draft for a new story, selecting the picture. âBen,â he said, leaning over to show it to him. âWhat do you think?â
Bennett laughed. âYou wouldnât,â he told him.
âOh, I would,â Malcolm said, his finger hovering over the button to post it.
Bennett rolled onto his stomach to look closer at Malcolmâs phone, which was resting on the bed between them. The screen had started to go dark, so he tapped it.
Somehow, that posted the story.
âWait.â He felt his heart drop.
It seemed to take longer than usual, spinning as it uploaded before returning to the homepage.
âHoly fuck,â Malcolm laughed in disbelief. Then the reality of the situation hit. âWait, holy fuck.â
He grabbed his phone and quickly went to delete the story. It already had 186 views. He hurried to delete it from his story, which again, seemed to take painfully long to go through.
âIâm sorry, I-â Bennett apologized instantly.
âItâs fine,â Malcolm dismissed him, not upset. âJustâŚâ he reached back to take the joint, which was nearly burnt out, from Bennett, âgive me some more of that.â
He had been taunting fate by even joking around about it, but it was over now. It was deleted and that was all they could do now. It mustâve been the effects of the weed that made neither of them think twice about it. Neither of them could really remember what they had been talking about before, but the conversation didnât matter anymore.
It mustâve been something in that good, strong Amsterdam weed that made their sex incredible that night. They lasted for what felt like hours, taking turns fucking each other. They were loud and unrestrained in their passion and the pleasure they felt. They laughed, they took breaks to smoke more, standing out in the cool night air of the balcony, then went again, pushing their bodies to new limits.
âI feel⌠insane,â Malcolm said in the morning as he stumbled out of the bathroom.
It was bright and sunny in their hotel room, and much messier than either of them had remembered leaving it. All they had done was smoke more weed, talk for a while before having sex and promptly passing out, yet somehow their clothes were strewn everywhere.
âDo you feel like youâre still high? Because I do,â Bennett mumbled, not picking his head up from the pillow. He didnât feel like he could sit up if he tried.
Malcolm groaned as he gingerly slid back into bed. âI feel like Iâm still being fucked. Jesus, did we not use lube?â
âStop talking,â Bennett pleaded, closing his eyes. He didnât want to think about that. His head was pounding and felt like it was full of mud, just sloshing around.
Malcolm didnât really feel like talking anyway, but he was quiet for only a moment, until he checked his phone. âOh my God!â he exclaimed sharply, as if he had been stabbed.Â
Bennett startled and shot up.
âThe-the photo, our photo leaked,â Malcolm stammered, still trying to figure out what was happening from the slew of texts he had received, both from Teo and from Sam and Xavier. âThe photo from the bus-â
âYeah, you posted it,â Bennett told him, searching around in the bed for his own phone. He remembered that happening, but as he said it out loud, the gravity dawned on him. âOr- I posted it. We posted it last night and deleted it,â he hurriedly explained, now feeling just as freaked out as Malcolm. In the sober light of day, it felt like a much bigger catastrophe than it had seemed last night.
Malcolm was silent. He scrolled through the notifications he had: dozens of texts from Teo and in the group chat with the rest of the band. He pushed back the covers and braced himself for another uncomfortable morning phone call with Teo. He wasnât sure why it was always him who was blamed, who Teo had to have these conversations with. Although this time, the photo was indisputably him, and it had been his Instagram it was posted on.
âMalcolm,â Teo said as he answered the phone.Â
Before he could say anything else, Malcolm jumped in, wanting to get this over with. âLook, Iâm sorry,â he said with a sigh. He wished he was still asleep and this was just some bizarre, horrible, marajuana induced dream. âIt was stupid, it was a mistake-â
âI just need to know,â Teo interrupted him. âItâs Bennett in the photo, right?â
âAnd you did post it, you werenât hacked or something?â
âAlright then. Iâll have to deal with this later, I gotta deal with Luke right now,â Teo muttered. He seemed preoccupied. This reaction was not nearly as angry or upset as Malcolm had expected, especially after their slip up in Dublin just a few days ago.
Malcolm and Bennett glanced at each other, sharing looks of confusion.
âWhat about Luke?â Bennett mouthed the question to Malcolm.
He shrugged, trying to pay attention to what Teo was saying.
âWild isnât gonna be happy about this. Maybe we can play it off as a joke, I donât know if theyâll buy that. Like, you guys were just making fun of the kiss and all the shipping and craziness, or whatever. I donât know,â Teo continued. âThereâs enough plausible deniability; youâre lucky itâs not a great photo. Iâm just gonna tell them itâs a girl and get them to lean into that whole sex, drugs, and rock and roll thing that they always wanna push. I just need to let Wild know that I confirmed who it was in the photo and it was consensual. You know, all press is good press-â
â-Except for bad press,â Malcolm said, finishing out Teoâs ramblings. He understood what he meant. That was the first and foremost issue for their PR team, that there was nothing actually damning. If Teo could convince them it was a girl in the photo and not Bennett, Wild might actually like the attention from it.Â
Malcolm and Bennett apologized to Teo, swearing it was a mistake and that it wouldnât happen again.
âI feel like we got off easy,â Bennett said with a mix of relief and suspicion as they got off the phone. âWhat was he saying about Luke?â
âHe said like, âIâve gotta go deal with Lukeâ or something,â Bennett said.
Malcolm furrowed his eyebrows. âI donât know.â
âIâm gonna call him,â Bennett said. He hurriedly called Luke and brought his phone to his ear, but he got an unavailable message after just one ring.
âHe hung up on you?â Malcolm asked.
Bennett tried calling again, but the same thing happened. âMaybe his phoneâs dead.â He sent him a few text messages, asking if everything was okay. âMy texts donât say delivered.â
âHis phone must be dead. Or he doesnât have good service, maybe heâs not on WiFi,â Malcolm theorized.
All of them had experienced some service issues with their phones since they left the United States, even though they supposedly had international data plans. Still, Bennett wondered why his phone would either be dead or disconnected from WiFi if he was in his hotel room, which was where he was supposed to be. Malcolm and Bennett texted Sam and Xavier to ask if they had heard from Luke, or if Teo had mentioned anything to them about having to âdealâ with him this morning, but they both confirmed they hadnât heard anything.
They tried not to worry about this, which was easy as they had their own problem at hand. Malcolm and Bennett felt defeated. They might have gotten off the hook easily with Teo this morning, but they knew this wouldnât be swept under the carpet with their fans.
The Lost Checkersâ fan baseâs reaction to the photo was as expected: insane. They had quickly figured out a few things about it. One, that the photo was a few months old - they correctly ascertained that this was the back of the bus the band had traveled in during their North America tour, matching up details with images from the âTour Bus Tourâ YouTube video that the band had posted at the start of the year. Two, all of the Macnett shippers instantly agreed Bennett was the other person in the photo, on his knees with his face pressed into Malcolmâs crotch.
They identified him by the shape of his jaw and the way his hair fell across his face, even with the low quality of the photo. They could spot Bennett from three pixels, but to them his mitchmatched socks - yellow with a white toe and heel on one foot and blue and black stripes on the other - sealed the deal. However, in the poor lighting it really was impossible for anyone to say definitively who it was. Some fans, who did not believe in Macnett or support shipping it, were sure this was a girl. They saw the way Bennettâs dark hair connected to the hood of his black sweatshirt as a girlâs long hair.
But everyone was wondering the same thing⌠Why? Why did Malcolm Rose post this lewd picture on his Instagram story, for just a minute before deleting it, at a little past 1 a.m. where he was in Amsterdam? Maybe it was a joke, or a prank? Or was it a genuine mistake? The fact that it was so quickly deleted suggested that it had been uploaded by mistake, but still, why did this photo exist in the first place? Was the picture originally taken as some sort of a joke with a friend, whether that friend was Bennett or someone else? Had Malcolm been hacked? Most people hadnât even seen the photo on his story themselves, only screenshots of it that were going around online. Should they pretend they hadnât seen it and stop talking about it out of respect for his privacy? Or had he posted it on purpose, to send a message?
Maybe he did, Malcolm thought. Although he wasnât sure what the message would be or who it would be for. He tried to recall the events leading up to the photo. He had meant to post it, or at least he had selected it for his Instagram story on purpose, but he didn't know why. His head was still foggy, and as he stood in the steam of the shower, he thought about it. They had posted it on accident, that much he and Bennett both recalled clearly, but why had he been even toying with it?
Did he do it as a âfuck youâ to Wild, who didnât like the idea of him and Bennett together? Did he do it to prove he could do whatever he wanted, to exercise free will and make up for the fact that there was so much he could not do that he wanted to do, like have kids with Bennett, or like show his true self to the world? Maybe a little bit of all of the above, or maybe he was giving himself too much credit and he just hadnât been thinking at all.
He honestly wasnât sure. He knew he hadnât been thinking straight all day, and smoking so much weed hadnât done him any favors. It had been a dumb move, a stupid, reckless thing to even joke about. But whatever. It was out there now, and he really didnât feel that bad about it. Neither did Bennett, who kept chuckling about it under his breath as he watched the reaction unfold online. It was true that he didnât bear the brunt of it - a photo of himself on his knees sucking Malcolmâs cock wasnât a look he loved for the world to see, but like Teo said, there was enough plausible deniability about it really being him, so he got to enjoy being a bit of a dirty little secret.
Malcolm often felt like he was the one who their management targeted. Being the front man and the face of Lost Checkers made him sort of the unofficial contact point for a lot of things. Their management always seemed to go easy on Bennett; a lot of people did, including many of their fans. Malcolm didnât blame them for this, he too wanted to protect Bennett wherever he could. But with this photo, there was nothing that could be done to protect Malcolm. It was unequivocally him in the photo, and it had been posted on his account. Whatâs done was done, and Malcolm tried to nervously lean into Bennettâs assertion that everything was going to be okay.
Even though they felt like death, Malcolm and Bennett did not want to rock the boat and try to get out of the agenda for the day - the crew had planned a trip to the Van Gogh Art Museum in the morning followed by a Lost Checkers pop-up event in the afternoon.
âHey, what were you saying last night about Luke?â Malcolm asked Bennett as they were getting ready to leave their hotel room. âYou were going to tell me something, I think.â
âHuh? No idea,â Bennett lied. He was glad he had a second chance to keep Lukeâs secret.
Bennett usually told Malcolm everything, but he didnât think this was any of his business. Luke had confided in Bennett about his paternity back in December, when his parents had told him. He had noticed that Luke had been acting a little different lately - more drinking, more partying, more drugs. Bennett knew Malcolm would understand the gravity if he knew, but he also worried that Malcolm might slip up with the secret and tell other people, or even use it as ammo against Luke if they got into an argument. It was apparent to all of them that Luke was going a bit off the deep end, but it wasnât Bennettâs business to tell anyone else about the identity crisis he was experiencing.Â
âNo more weed,â Bennett decided. âAt least not for a while.â
âYeah, good call. But the sex was⌠incredible last night,â Malcolm said. âOr maybe that was just me.â
Bennett smiled. âNo, it was really good. I donât know whatâs in this Amsterdam weed but it was insane. Iâm really sore though.â
âGod yeah, me too,â Malcolm said.
âYouâre right, being gay does suck,â Bennett scoffed lightheartedly, vaguely remembering their conversation from last night. âImagine being able to fuck and walk the next day. And we have to walk so much today,â he said with a groan. âAn art museum, really? Who wants to do this? I swear, who decided we do the most boring touristy things when we travel?â
Malcolm looked at him and raised an eyebrow. âItâs the Van Gogh Museum. We have to go. God, youâre such a boy sometimes.â
It was drizzling outside and the bandâs bus was pulled up to the curb, idling and ready to take them across the city to the museum. Sam and Xavier were already sitting at the table in the back of the bus as Malcolm and Bennett boarded and joined them.Â
Xavier greeted them with a smirk, unable to hold back his amusement and curiosity. âSo, what the hell did you guys do last night?â he asked in an overly cheerful tone, scooting down on the bench so they could both slide in next to him.
âNormal night, I donât know what youâre talking about,â Bennett answered coolly.
Malcolm ran a hand over his face and through his hair. âWe got high and stupid,â he said bluntly.
Sam raised his eyebrows. âYou didnât do it on purpose, did you?â he asked.
âNo,â they said at the same time.
âI donât know, we were fucking around and being weird, it was a mistake,â Malcolm said. He let out a sigh, avoiding eye contact but knowing Xavier and Sam were both waiting for them to elaborate on how the photo Malcolm had promised he had no intention of posting yesterday had ended up trending on Twitter this morning. âItâs fine. I guess we sort of just gotta embrace it.â
âNo,â Malcolm cut in quickly, knowing what Xavier was thinking. âNot embrace it. But shit like this - weâre gonna fuck up sometimes. Itâll run its course,â he said confidently.
âThe fans are gonna talk about us any time we fucking look at each other,â Bennett said. âMight as well give them something to talk about.â
Malcolm glanced at Bennett as he said this and gave him a little smile and nod. He liked that phrase - people are gonna talk, might as well give them something to talk about. It was a good way to look at it.
âHow bad did Teo give it to you?â Xavier asked, unable to hide a smile.
Bennett shrugged. âHonestly not bad at all. Itâll blow over in a few days.â He changed the subject. âHave you heard from Luke?âÂ
Xavier shook his head. âNo. I texted him this morning, I think.â
Bennett tried to call Luke again. It was now ten minutes past the time they were all supposed to be on the bus, and no one had heard from him. Being ten minutes late wasnât particularly out of character, but his phone still went straight to voicemail.
âNo answer?â Xavier asked.
âIt wonât even ring,â Bennett told him.
âHeâs not coming,â Sam said calmly.Â
They all looked at him, but Samâs expression through his sunglasses told them nothing.
At that moment, their bus driver stepped on board and called back to them to check that they were all ready. Sam gave him a thumbs up.
âItâs not fair that he gets to miss this,â Bennett grumbled as the bus began to pull out into traffic. He still wondered where Luke was, and what Teo had meant about needing to deal with him, but Sam wasnât worried, so why would he be? âGuess he went too hard last night⌠again.â
Xavier chuckled. âLike you guys didnât?â
âWeâre here this morning, arenât we?â Malcolm countered.
The Van Gogh Museum was admittedly a great experience. It was a relaxing and grounding start to their day, but there was still an uneasiness amongst the band. Lukeâs absence was palpable, not just because he would have surely been making stupid jokes and getting on Malcolmâs nerves the whole time, but just because they felt incomplete without him.
After their visit to the museum, they took another short bus ride to a large music store where the bandâs pop-up event would be that day. It had only been announced a few days ago, but a crowd of fans were already gathered outside, held back by crowd barriers and watched carefully by some of their tour security staff. Once the event began, the band would go outside to greet their fans and take some photos. After that, the boys would go back inside and sit behind a long table. Fans would be able to line up and get things signed by the band while their team sold exclusive merchandise at the other side of the store. They were used to doing pop-up events like this. No matter how much they planned to keep organized lines and limit how many items they would sign and how long they could chat with each fan, it was always a whirlwind in the end.
Malcolm, Bennett, Xavier, and Sam were quickly brought in through a back entrance. Loryn brought in sandwiches and coffees for them from a nearby cafe so they could eat lunch while their team hurried to get everything set up for the event.
âWhere is Luke?â Bennett asked for the tenth time.
He got a few shrugs and head shakes from some of their crew members, but some of them just turned away, pretending to have not heard him. This was officially starting to get weird. It was one thing for Luke to miss the trip to the museum, but he couldnât miss this event. What were they supposed to tell their fans who were already lined up around the block? Everyone would ask where Luke was.
Teo hadnât made an appearance all day yet either. Bennett had tried texting him a few times, but he left him on read.
âBen,â Sam hissed, beckoning Bennett and the others close to him. He was still on the phone with Teo. âOkay⌠okay, Iâll tell them,â he was saying into his phone. âYeah, see you soon. Okay, bye.â
He hung up. The other four were looking at him expectantly.
âWhereâs Luke?â Bennett asked.
âLuke got in trouble last night.â
âWhat kind of trouble?â Malcolm quickly asked, cutting in even though Sam wasnât done speaking.
Sam sighed, touching his hand to his temple. âHe brought a bunch of people up to his room last night. They got noise complaints and the hotel ended up calling the police.â
Their eyes all bugged. âWhat?â
âThey found some drugs. Coke and some other stuff, I donât know.â
âWhere did he find these people?â Malcolm asked, slightly horrified.
âWe came back to the hotel together,â Xavier told them, his voice wrought with annoyance and disappointment. âI thought he was going to bed, he mustâve gone back out or something.â
âWell, where is he?â Bennett pressed, nudging Samâs arm. âDid they like, arrest him or something?â
âI donât know,â Sam nearly snapped. He exhaled and gathered himself, speaking quietly so that no one from the crew would overhear. âAll I know is what Teo told me. He texted me this morning that Luke wasnât coming to the museum but he was with him and we shouldnât worry, and he called me now and said that he got the police called on him last night and they busted him for the drugs and stuff. He said theyâre on their way now, though.â
Malcolm muttered something about how it wasnât fair that Teo told Sam everything.Â
âHey, sorry to interrupt,â Loryn said, appearing behind them. âYou guys should eat now,â she reminded them, checking the time on her phone. âWeâre gonna start in about thirty minutes.â
The boys werenât all that hungry, but they picked at lunch while they watched the crew finish setting up their merchandise table. They didnât know what to say. They had all been bad before, but never this bad. They had gotten drunk, partied at bars, or invited people back to a hotel room once or twice, but things had never gotten this out of hand. They couldnât believe that Luke had gotten in such trouble, but at the same time, his behavior wasnât particularly shocking.
It had been a bad night apparently - Malcolm and Bennett had also made a pretty poor, impaired move posting the photo. But Luke's situation must be much worse considering it had gotten Teoâs full attention all morning and they had basically gotten away with it. They would probably never live it down with their fans, and it was slightly horrifying to know that image would be on the internet forever, but it didnât feel like the same real world consequences as whatever Luke had done.
There was only ten minutes until the event was supposed to start when the back door of the music store opened and Luke was ushered in by Teo. He was wearing the same clothes from day night and his face was pale. Luke didnât look at anyone as he joined the rest of the band, who were already sitting at the long table where they would be doing their signings.
âFucking Teo,â he muttered as he slammed a crushed, mostly empty plastic water bottle down on the table, taking a seat between Bennett and Xavier.
âLuke, what happened?â Bennett hissed in a whisper.
âNothing,â Luke grumbled, putting his elbows on the table and resting his forehead in his hands. âGot kicked out of the hotel and had to pay, like, $8,000 in damages,â he muttered, messing up his hair in a way that only made him look more wrecked.Â
âHey, where were you all morning?â Malcolm asked him, leaning across the table on his elbows.
âThe fucking police station,â Luke said. âTeo got the hotel to drop the charges though.â
âWe heard there were drugs,â Xavier told him.
Luke shrugged. âThey werenât mine. I donât know.â They might have not been his, but it looked like he might have taken them. âWhatever, everything's crazy legal here, the police didnât care about that.â
âSo, were you arrested? Like, did they put you in handcuffs?â
âMalcolm!â Bennett hissed, shoving him in the ribs for asking that.
âYeah,â Luke admitted quietly, not making eye contact with any of them.
They were all silent for a second, picturing Luke being handcuffed and put in the back of a police car, being brought down to the police station and having his mug shot taken. It was going to be hard for Wild to keep that photo, as well as the news stories about the trouble Luke had gotten into, from being released to the public. No wonder Malcolm and Bennett had gotten off easy about their photo - that one was already out there.
Finally, Xavier spoke. âYou really gotta be careful, man. I donât know whatâs gotten into you-â
âCan we not?â Luke asked sharply, lifting his head from his hands. âI didnât get any fucking sleep and now we have to do this bullshit.â
They all resigned to silence after that. Loryn beckoned Luke over to her and gave him a clean shirt to change into. He spent a while in the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, though he didnât look much better when he came out.
He sat back down at the table with the other guys. âAlright, letâs get this shit over with,â he sighed.
âLukeâŚâ Xavier reprimanded him gently.
âNot our fault you had a bad night,â Malcolm muttered. He was expecting another shove in the ribs from Bennett for that one, but it didnât come.
âNot their fault either,â Bennett said, nodding towards the front door where their fans were waiting.
Doing things like this for their fans was important, and they usually all liked events like this. It was no oneâs fault but Lukeâs own that he wasnât in the mood to put on a smile and talk to their fans.
Malcolm was a little worried to face the fans, afraid what they might ask him about the photo. He had made a plan to just blush and smile and deflect from the topic. Any conversations would be quick enough, and there would be so much going on that he could easily ignore or pretend not to hear any questions that he did not want to answer. He was already used to just giving an awkward laugh and asking what theyâd like him to sign for them when he got âIs Macnett real?â screamed in his face with a camera pointing at him, so he could handle this as well.
The event went well, and their team thankfully managed to keep the line of fans moving quickly. He did get a few bold questions from fans about the photo, which he managed to coolly laugh off as âjust an accidentâ or ignore their question entirely. He hoped he had put on a good performance, since he was sure some of these fans would post clips of their interaction with him online.
When the event was over, Luke left separately with Teo, grumbling something about how they had to go to a new hotel and that he just wanted to sleep.
The rest of them were also due for an afternoon nap when they arrived back at the hotel. Their schedules had gotten so out of whack ever since they left the States. The constant traveling and sightseeing left them tired by the afternoon, and they would often sleep for a few hours before getting a second wind for the evening. It made every day almost feel like two separate days, each with not enough sleep. Whether they were playing a show that night or were just going out, they were always up late, then they were tired in the morning and it would start all over again. Between their work schedule and the fact that it was summer and they were in Europe where being out late was normal, it was still slightly discombobulating for them. They had tried to do the math and figure out the jet lag to see if their bodies were perhaps still fighting Eastern Standard Time, if that made sense, but it was too confusing.
When they woke up from their naps, they were ready to begin part two of the day, which meant getting dinner. The other four of them had texted Luke, who was awake from his nap as well, but he declined their offer to join them for dinner.
Again feeling incomplete without their blond in the crew, Malcolm, Bennett, Xavier, and Sam went out in search of food. They wanted something quick and comforting, and decided on take out from a good looking, and smelling, chicken shop. They sat at small tables outside on the sidewalk, watching some pigeons that were circling them in hopes of some crumbs.
âWe should go see him,â Malcolm said as he closed the lid of his empty take out container.
As scandalized and horrified as Malcolm was by what Luke had done last night, he knew he wasnât really in a position to judge him. He had gone off the deep end and made a mistake last night too, and he was grateful he wasnât being crucified the same way Luke was.
âMmm.â Bennett made a noise in half-hearted agreement. His disappointment in Luke was still overshadowing any feelings of empathy.
Xavier was still eating but he shrugged. âI guess we should make sure he stays in tonight and doesnât get into trouble.â
Sam chuckled. âYeah, heâs not going to. Heâs sharing a room with Teo.â
They all couldnât help but laugh. They loved Teo, but sharing a hotel room with him did not sound like a fun or relaxing night at all. They imagined he was taking the opportunity to further lecture Luke and that lights would be out by 9 p.m.
âShort leash,â Malcolm winced.
âFucking deserves it,â Bennett muttered.
âYeah, heâs not gonna get his own room again for a while,â Sam said. Teo had given him a call earlier, when they got back to the hotel, to tell him that Luke had to move to a nearby hotel since he had been kicked out and that he would be staying with him. Luke was going to need a chaperone for a while, he had lost his solo hotel room privileges.
âGreat, that means we wonât either,â Xavier sighed. It was nice, not having to share hotel rooms as much as they used to in the early days of the band.
âNah, I told Teo I can stay with him in France,â Sam sighed, wiping his hands on a napkin.
They all piled in a taxi and went to the hotel Luke was staying at. He let him in the room, which was plain and simple with two Queen beds. Teo wasnât there - he had found a conference room in the hotel to do some work from, although they theorized that maybe he was just on the phone with his wife, which was his usual evening routine. The idea of Teo having to do work that required being out of Lukeâs earshot was slightly unnerving. The news of his arrest had made its way to the tabloid news sites, as well as some pictures of Luke in handcuffs, and his mugshot, where he looked pretty high out of his mind.
âHow are you doing?â Malcolm asked as the four of them made themselves comfortable in his room.
âFine,â Luke said, sitting down on the spot on the one bed where he had clearly been napping earlier. âJust fucking tired.â
There was something irksome about the vitriol in the way he said this, as if it somehow wasnât the consequences of his own actions that he was exhausted. No one pointed this out, though.
âYeah, wellâŚâ Malcolm offered, just to clear the awkward silence. He really didnât know where he was going with this.Â
âLook, Iâm sorry for worrying you guys and everything,â Luke told them with a sigh. âI wouldâve texted but my phone died and no one let me change it. But itâs fine - it all worked out, itâs fine, Iâm fine.â
âItâs not that we were worried,â Sam started, but Luke cut him off, seemingly annoyed that his apology wasnât just accepted.
âI donât really wanna talk about it,â he said, firmly. âItâs done, okay? Itâs over now.â
It was as close as he was going to get to admitting that he had fucked up, and even though he didnât say it, they could tell he was rattled by the whole thing. But they hadnât come here to berate him. They had come to spend time with their friend, to all be together.
Since Luke couldnât go back to their hotel and none of them felt much like going out, this small hotel room would be the setting for their night. Xavier and Malcolm ran down to a shop across the street to get some beer. Sam had the deck of playing cards that he always carried in his backpack.Â
âWhat are we playing?â Bennett asked as Sam gave the deck a few good shuffles. The cards were stiff and a little stuck together.
âERS?â Malcolm suggested. Egyptian Ratscrew was usually their go-to easy, no thoughts game.
âI donât think I can play that,â Sam muttered. They hadnât played cards together in a while, and he hadnât really considered this until now, but he didnât think heâd be able to keep up with any type of speed based game that required quickly recognizing and slapping cards. Heâd have a hard enough time just reading the cards in his hand now.
Sam started to deal out cards in front of each of them. He, Luke, and Bennett were sitting together on the bed, and Xavier and Malcolm had pulled up chairs to form a circle with them. âRummy,â he decided.
âCan you, like, see the cards?â Xavier asked hesitantly as he picked up his own hand and looked through them.
They all looked up. No one had really asked Sam about how he was doing or how he was still able to see things ever since he told them about his diagnosis.
âYeah,â Sam said, sorting through his hand. âI can read them in front of me like this. I sort of have to hold everything at an angle to be able to see it where I still have good vision,â he explained, demonstrating. It was the same way he had to use his phone now, just taking advantage of the limited peripheral he had.
âTake your time,â Malcolm told him softly.
They sipped the interesting European brand of beer they had picked out, chatting and often forgetting whose turn it was. They were less competitive about the game than they normally were and ended up switching to Go Fish after a few rounds. It was just something to do together, relaxing and comforting and just like old times, even if it was a little different now.
That was how things were with Luke, too - something had changed, but they all pretended as if everything was the same as it always was. As disappointed as they were in his behavior, and as concerned as they were for whatever Luke was going through, no one knew how to bring it up to him. He didnât want to talk about it. They hoped he had learned his lesson; he definitely seemed a bit more deflated than he had after the incident in Warsaw. Whatâs done was done, there really wasnât much more for them to do besides accept Luke for who he was and what he did, and carry on loving him like they always did.
Teo seemed surprised to see them all there when he re-entered the hotel room, where he would be sleeping with Luke that night. He declined their offer to play cards with them and instead told them all it was late. He looked weary, but he gave them each a hug or a pat on the back as they left, telling them to have a good night and suggesting they go back to their hotel and go to sleep.
