Not for the Weak

For my aunt. A story of living within the hardship and finding Inspiration, Success, Happiness, and Love in what Life has to offer.

[hilszot]

New sounds that I have found

[hilszot]

When you're struggling with another paper and you look back and remember what it's all for. Got my cap and gown! #AnotherYearAnotherDegree #Columbia #HardWork #MakeEmProud ... Okay back to work 😱😶😁 T - 32 days

[hilszot]

For what's money without happiness? Or hard times without the people you love Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next I asked for strength from the Lord up above Cause I've been strong so far But I can feel my grip loosening Quick, do something before you lose it for good Get it back and use it for good And touch the people how you did like before I'm tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more

2014 Forest Hills Drive

[hilszot]

#Repost from @mankofit with @repostapp 🙌🙌🙏🙏 #preach #amen --- WE AS WOMEN NEED TO BE THE ONES WHO DECIDE HOW WE WANT TO LOOK AND EMBRACE OUR UNIQUENESS! Embrace who you are because being unique will separate you from the rest of us. We are all beautiful in all shapes and forms and I hope you ladies know that because if you don't , NOW YOU DO! Petite, tall, more to love, muscular, slim legs, big legs, little behind, big behind, tattoos, no tattoos..I DONT CARE , MAKE IT CLEAR THAT WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND THATS THE FUN OF IT...WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. So here I stand , this is who I am and I'm embracing it. Point is, I WANT US TO EMPOWER EACH-OTHER AND NOT LET ANYONE OR ANYTHING MAKE US FEEL LESS OF OURSELVES. (And to all the gentlemen out there who love us and respect us, THANK YOU!) #misbehave #Godschild _________________________________ NOSOTRAS COMO MUJERES DEBEMOS DE GRITARLE AL MUNDO QUE NOS AMAMOS COMO SOMOS Y QUE DICTAREMOS NOSOTRAS COMO QUERAMOS VERNOS Y LO QUE QUERAMOS SER! Ten orgullo de quien eres porque ser diferente te separa del resto. Somos todas hermosas en todos los tamaños y figuras y si no lo saben, PUES SE LOS DIGO YO! Pequeñas, altas, flaquitas, con más curvas, con nalguitas, o con nalgotas, con tatuajes o sin tatuajes, con músculos, o sin músculos NO ME IMPORTA, QUE ESTÉ CLARO QUE NUESTRAS DIFERENCIAS NOS HACE ÚNICAS ! Aquí estoy yo, y esto es lo que soy y con orgullo. El punto es, quiero que nos apoyemos unas a las otras y no dejar que nada ni nadie nos hagan sentir al menos. (Y a los caballeros que nos aman y nos respetan, GRACIAS!) #misbehave #Hijadecristo

[hilszot]

60 fabulous years! She is the strongest most caring person I know. Everyone around her can't help but catch her contagious joy and laughter. Today is all about you 😁 I love you so much xoxo Happy 60th Birthday Mom! #birthday #60 #janie #insaney #picstitch

[hilszot]

#gradschool

[hilszot]

Letter to Creepy Man Sitting Outside My Apartment Building

Dear Creepy Man Sitting Outside My Apartment Building,

No. I did not just say that I didn't need help carrying my bags because I am a "stubborn American girl." I did not say I didn't need help because I am too proud, too feminist, too good... While I may be all of those things, that is NOT the reason why I turned down you incredibly gracious offer.

I said no for the following reasons: 1. Two half full bags is not that much, so I quite frankly did not need help... if you haven't noticed I am jacked 2. You just spent the last 20 seconds staring intently at the meeting of my thighs as I walked down this block so that makes you.... a disgusting creep 3. I don't like the smell of your cologne or your alcohol breath, so I would prefer to spend the least amount of time within a block radius of you as possible 4. I generally don't like other people touching my things especially you.

Truth is I could name a lot of reasons why I turned down you offer ranging the way you asked whilst looking me up and down to the truthful fact that I didn't need help. At the end of the day, however, the most important point is that just like you didn't need a reason to ask me I don't need a reason to say no, and trust me for you sir the answer will ALWAYS be no.

Now away with you. Out of sight out of mind. Until I leave my apartment again. Next time I will be sure to put headphones in my ears so as you mouth words of disrespect and ignorance all I will hear is the sweet and relevant lyrics, "If I had a dick I would pull it out and piss on em."

Until then,

Hilary

[hilszot]

Advice from Username: Survivor_72792

Sinking back into your chair, awaiting my response,

you boot me up hoping to find the answer.

Instead, an empty text box appears in the middle of my screen filled with nothing but a blinking curser.

Together we ride the silence

enveloped in deep contemplation of what exists beyond

the cusp of this pause in dialogue.

But my cursor continues to pulsate in even steady intervals 

awaiting the soft press of illuminated letters in meaningful preordained succession. 

What exists and what does not beyond the pause?

Surely, I stopped existing a long time ago

backspaced letter by letter until all original content was thoroughly erased:

The entirety of my original hard drive that came in the box- stripped clean.

It was too damaged by the malware that infiltrated my security nets

to be deemed "fixable."

So, instead of throwing me away, they left me empty inside.

You ponder on whether to download this anti-virus software.

Better wait.

I think they are still working on it, or did you not see the emails.

Let’s just say, it isn’t ready to be installed,

and for most of us it's too late and not worth the price.

What good is anti-virus software developed for an ever-mutating virus taking different shapes and forms within this network every day?

What good is an antibiotic for an infection I don’t have?

Don't click this.

Read before you open that.

Know what sites you shouldn’t go to.

Don’t reveal personal information.

Stop.

You didn’t get the virus because you navigated wrong

You got it because somebody laid the trap.

My screen needs a wipe down

But through the smudges I look back at you, a blinking cursor.

[hilszot]

Sometimes they just know what to say. Here we go! #mamaknowsbest #gradschool #leggo

[hilszot]

Hungover

Last night I swear I was an undergrad

But all of that has come to an end

  So what is left after it comes to an end?

The curtains drop, the credits roll

And I stroll

casually down college walk

no longer afraid of who I will see but of who I won’t.

  Eyes that use to be on me gaze through me dead and unfeeling

And they make me question if any of it was real.

What use to be mine is no longer:

Crowds of friends on the lawns, acquaintances passing by,

my home never more than a short walk away.

  Today there is some other bitch sitting in my spot and I realize I’ve been replaced

  I see them all around- the new ones- the ones they brought in to take our place

While we were too busy being happy to pay attention

Did I use to look like that? Dress like that? Act like that?

  How many times did I see my future on campus and leave it feeling ignored and unwelcomed?

  And who’s spot was I sitting in?

  What a change a summer brought

We were showered in love and privilege

drawn in like bees to a honey oozing hive

but all too soon they pressed reset

and the newer versions climbed out of cars and crawled out from subways

spreading out over what use to be ours.

  It was a slow steady replacement.

Four years of shadows that we didn’t see behind us,

Following us everywhere

Taking what was ours and making it theirs,

As if we had never been there.

  We soaked up feeling special never realizing that we weren’t

And even when we stood there on stage for our final bow

we were too busy marveling the excitement of shaking the Holy Ones

hand to realize that he was just holding open the door on our way out.

  But I didn’t make it out.

I am still here! Did I ever leave?

I must have, cause it looks different in here than it did a second ago.

Maybe my friends just drunkenly forget me here and they’ll be back soon...

  I am still on the inside of this door,

But everything feels different.

  As the alcohol goggles are fading away, my worst hangover is hitting

And the perpetual walk of shame ensues

  I pass by myself on campus

Crop top, brown bag, loud as fuck…

Yep, there she is.

Her biggest fear is running into that awkward one nighter-

Or even worse her ex-

When it should be the 25 page paper she hasn’t started yet due at midnight.

Oh wait, that was 2 hours ago.

  I see her so unaware of how happy she is

of how amazing it is to sit where she is sitting

  The alcohol goggles have dissolved for me

and Alma is not the dime she looked like last night,

But I can’t just kick her out …

I am still in love with who she use to be

  You see, I use to be married to this place

And I don’t think I’m ready to be friends 

[hilszot]

See you never...

[hilszot]

"Not all those who wander are lost." Right or nah? #postgrad

[hilszot]

[hilszot]

I've been sailin, I've been sailin. #downtheshore #settinsails #relaxation

[hilszot]

Grapevine, mango, peaches, and lime #sweetlife

[hilszot]

Like Bees on the Bee Farm

Today I read a snapple fact: for one pound of honey a bee must go through 2 million flowers. "Holy shit!" I thought to myself as my Dad talked over some business with his friend and business partner... "2 million flowers! Even if this cap is wrong and it's only 1 million flowers, that is who knows how many minutes, how many days, how many different color flowers, how many fellow bees dying off, how many returns back to the hive with a mediocre pay load, how many bears coming by and destroying their delicate bee homes and bee stashes, or how many farmers collecting it all leaving them to start anew." Then it hit me... "These are bees we are talking about. Their brains are practically microscopic.... Why am I so hyped about this? I am not even Vegan thoughhhh..." To be honest I don't know what prompted this reaction/internal struggle over honey bees as my father sat next to me discussing business as usual and the beautiful weather outside. What I do know is that the feeling of working so hard for something only to have it taken away and start all over is a feeling I hadn't quite delved into. It was just yesterday that I spent a whole day discussing life with a close friend who had seen me go through many transformations. Of course we talked about romance, and I found myself saying something I have said to her repeatedly- that before I can open myself up to another person I have to figure out why I let myself stay in negative relationships in the past. We moved to talking about our futures and aspirations. How will we define ourselves professionally? What do we actually want as our end goal? And yet again I felt myself pressed against some imaginary wall wondering what was immobilizing me. I'm going to grad school, I know what I want, I know what I have built for myself thus far... These are all things to be proud of, so why do I feel fear not that I will fail but that I already have? At graduation the overarching piece of advice I took from all of the speakers was to go forth and fuck up. To go make mistakes and not be afraid that your path will change and may completely disappear beneath you at points. In a way I feel fear that like those bees I will work and work to build something only to have it all taken away by some douche bag black bear. On the other hand bees don't sit in their bee hive rooms sulking and crying because things didn't work out. They don't binge eat ice cream while watching Scandal over again. They don't try to get the honey back from the bear and negotiate the unforeseen failure. They just go back out and start making honey again. They get other pollen, build their hive somewhere else maybe, and they move on with their bee lives. Now, I highly doubt they have thought about their bee hardships like I have thought about their bee hardships today. Perhaps this whole post just sound ludicrous and being back in bumble-fuck New Jersey has officially driven me crazy. All I know is I'm sitting out front with Ms.Hill singing to me like Nothing Even Matters, reading up on bartending to pay the bills... a bee (I swear on baby Jesus) just scared me off the porch and back...and I think I'm on to something with this honey bee analogy. This summer has certainly allowed me the time to introvert myself (in transient moments), and while I got nothing for the honey bees, I'm feeling pretty hopeful about my prospects... Snapple fact probably wasn't even true, but it doesn't even matter.

[hilszot]

Werkin on it!