This Fantastic Mess

Dirty little whirlwind, I'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.

[himynameisobed]

i need to stop eating out.

woke up at around 10:30am and lazed around until about noon, spending too much time on my phone. went to mereme, the new cafe down the road, for coffee and a light lunch. according to the barista, they only opened up three weeks ago, and the other barista said they were planning on starting evening service soon, small plates and funky wines - very hip and happening. figures they would open up a new trendy coffee spot in the neighbourhood just as i'm about to leave. it's literally a five minute walk from my flat, would've been such a great spot to chill out and read. i had "hooked" (the book i'm reading) out and a woman at the table next to me struck up a conversation because she's just started reading it. we extolled the virtues of the author's writing style (i find it insightful, incisive, and exacting, able to articulate nebulous and complex emotions we all feel but often fail to put into words) and bonded over our love for her first book, "butter". her friend came back from the bathroom, and apparently she'd read butter as well and was also planning to read hooked. i love being able to chat with strangers about books. that's one of the fun parts about reading the trending stuff. went home for a 1pm flat meeting to finally delegate cleaning tasks. perfect timing considering i'm about to move out. i'd already given my notice to my (live in) landlord a couple of days ago, but i announced my impending move to my other two flatmates at the meeting. still got assigned some cleaning tasks though. after the meeting, phil (one of my flatmates) came with me to bookbar so i could pick up the new paperback version of "heart the lover", another trending book. saw a youtuber recommend it, saying it's all about yearning and heartache, and everyone knows i'm a sucker for that. ended up picking up a copy of "we do not part" by han kang while i was there because why not. i enjoyed her other book, "vegetarian." thought it was creepy and weird. we went to a pub after (phil only really came with me to the book shop knowing we would end up at the pub) and everyone was out for the arsenal game. we managed to time it so we snagged a table in the beer garden before it got packed. at one point a guy at the table next to us asked us to guard his table while he went to the bathroom. "i know it's a shit job right now but i'll give you a slice of pizza," he laughed. we never got that slice of pizza. and for dinner, because reading "hooked" made me crave japanese food, i walked 20 minutes in the rain to a japanese restaurant and had a huge bento box with miso soup, assorted tempura, nigiri, sashimi and maki. i was so full by the end that i was grateful for the long-ish walk back. watched the latest episode of the boys and finished "hooked" in the evening. honestly, after how harrowing a lot of the book was, it ended on a relatively hopeful and optimistic note, which i love. all in all a good day!

[himynameisobed]

i feel a bit crazy.

went on an impromptu date last night and it was really cute. he was very my type - sweet, handsome, great body, could hold a conversation - currently playing the piano for a musical, engaging, asked me questions about myself. i felt like i could really be myself around him, which is always a great sign. we started at cafe boheme in soho, had a romantic french dinner in dim light, and it was nice even if maybe a tad too loud. went and got donuts for dessert and ended at the duke of wellington for a couple of drinks (me with my coca colas), cozying up against each other. at one point he asked if i was actually into him, and i said of course, because i was. i hadn't been that excited in a date in a while. earlier, on our way to get donuts, i tried to initiate a kiss and it felt like he rebuffed me so i actually thought he wasn't very into me. he pulled me in for the kiss when i started to turn away though, so it all worked out. but then, at the bar, he said something interesting: "i didn't think guys like you were into guys like me." which is not the first time i've heard that, and i'm always left wondering what kind of guy i am. how do people perceive me, what's the impression i give off? we made tentative plans to see each other today or tomorrow, and i found myself waiting for him to text, which is a bit embarrassing considering it's only been a day. i feel like whenever a date goes well and i'm excited about a guy, i get too invested too soon, i let my heart flutter in anticipation, my imagination run wild. i guess it's because it doesn't really happen that often, so i feel like i have to latch on when it does. but i worry that it makes me come across as too intense, too clingy, too forward, too much. because i don't date often, i don't know what proper dating etiquette is. i've never been the kind of person to wait to respond to a message in an effort to come across as more casual and apathetic. if i have my phone on me, i'm going to respond, even if someone's taken a while to respond to me. is that too thirsty, too eager, too keen? i hope i'm not coming across too strong, but i also want people to know when i like them because i feel like the most you can do is communicate where you stand as clearly as you can. at least it leaves no room for ambiguity. but maybe it is too intense and pushes people away. i don't know, i find these things confusing, but at least if anything, it was a nice date!

[himynameisobed]

for the plot.

the fun thing about returning to blogging is that i can partially motivate myself to do things that are outside of my comfort zone by thinking about writing about them later - doing things for the plot, if you will. a couple of weeks ago, i bought a ticket to a gay single's rooftop party hosted by Thursday Dating on a whim. it came up on an instagram ad and i thought, well why not. over the last couple of days up until this morning, i was debating whether or not to go, foreseeing potential awkwardness, being sober and alone in a room full of already established groups of people. but then i thought, you know what, you never know what might happen - who you might meet, how your life might change, the new and sparkling story that might emerge. maybe it would be something to write about, at the very least. so i went, and honestly, it was fun! it was as awkward as i imagined it would be at the very beginning, a bit intimidating walking on my own into a buzzing room full of people already engaging with each other. i got a non-alcoholic beer, did a lap around the venue, then positioned myself by a bar at the back and tried to observe things from an anthropological research perspective - remove myself from the immediacy of everything, make things a little more detached. i was probably standing awkwardly for all of five minutes when a guy came up to me, smiling, ready to chat. he'd come on his own too, so we paired up and got to talking, and we ended up hanging out for the next two and a half hours. i think we could both tell there wasn't really a spark, and we each took turns making off-handed comments implying so, but i wonder now if we were projecting; affirming our disinterest thinking the other wasn't interested. though really, i don't think i was interested, but maybe i could've been! anyway, we exchanged contact information and made tentative plans to go out dancing together some time in the next few weeks, but i have a feeling we're never going to see each other again. so strange considering i actually learned a lot about him in those two and a half hours. we talked about real things, our lives, our experiences as gay men in the city, coming out, growing up. it was nice to meet someone new. but so strange that that environment almost necessitated getting close to another person, latching on for a couple of hours to rebuff standing alone, only to probably never see them again. i'll probably go to another one of these events and try to do a better job of making sure i talk to more people, wander around alone more and see what happens. sometimes it's fun to do things just to discover the story that might come out of it. side note: you can tell i'm out of practice with blogging because i keep forgetting to take pictures of things.

[himynameisobed]

light and heavy.

i was telling my coworker maya about something silly that happened on sunday: as i was walking down fonthill road from finsbury park station, a random guy waved me down from one of the many wedding apparel storefronts. "hey, come in, i'd like to speak with you." i should've flagged this as an immediate red flag, but i, with my insane sense of curiosity and adventure, decided to hear him out. i stepped into his store and he said, "i always see you walk by here. do you live around here?" "ya, i live just down the road." and then out of nowhere he came and hugged me, erotically, basically groping me, saying, "nice to meet you," and then kissing my neck. i pulled away, but i think i was so shocked that my instinct towards kindness took over, and i just said, "oh, sorry, i'm really busy, i have to go." and as i was walking out, he said something like, "don't worry, there are no cameras here, we can go to the back, don't you like me?" and i just left. i recounted this story to maya, laughing it off as another silly thing to have happened recently, but even i understood i was basically minorly assaulted if you count any form of unwanted sexual contact as assault. i was treating it so lightly, but she gave it the weight it deserved, saying, "oh my gosh, i'm so sorry that happened to you, you should report it." suddenly, a new sense of fear, something icky and gross, and perhaps those emotions weren't necessarily my own experience, but they settle there, inherent to what happened. and i thought about all of the people who might not be able to respond by walking away, very young men who might freeze instead of fly, and all the horror that might come out of it. i'm not sure what to do, really. part of me feels like escalating it and involving authorities would be going too far. maybe he's not so different from a sleazy man hitting on a woman at a bar. at the very least, i'm thinking of going back to the store and telling him that that wasn't okay, that it's actually assault and lecturing him on consent. realistically, i might just let things lie. honestly, things like this have happened to me before, sadly. on the bright side, a woman at church today asked if i was a model. i said no, and she said, "but you're so fashionable and charismatic," and i'm going to hold onto that compliment for a long time. after work, i went for a run at a park nearby, then had dinner with chris and his family, and then went to my church community group. we talked about prayer, and how we all think about it, experience it, participate in it. people were open and honest, vulnerable in their challenging, questioning, wondering. somehow we ended up talking about the heaviness of the world, all of the pain, things not going as planned, seasons of disappointment. but also about hope, people persevering, God showing up in unexpected ways, in the people around us, in moments of reprieve and relief, in the light at the ends of tunnels. and at the end, we prayed for each other, and there was a sense of solidarity in trying to draw near to God, in true hope and faith. honestly it was quite beautiful.

[himynameisobed]

resurgence.

i started reading "hooked" by asako yuzuki (her follow-up to "butter", which i loved) and it's inspired me to start blogging again. one of the characters is a kind of bored housewife running a blog detailing the minutiae of her everyday life, and as i was reading, i remembered a bygone era when i compulsively noted things down - made the most mundane things ever so slightly more beautiful and wonderful by a nice turn of phrase. it's 1am now. i stupidly decided to take a "20-minute power nap" after getting drowsy while doing a daily Bible study. the nap lasted two hours and i woke up to pee and now i can't get back to sleep. so i'm reminiscing on being sixteen and in high school, staying up late doing nothing, listening to music and writing down all my teenage heartaches and wonderings, making the world so big and pulling little bits of magic from the day. often, i'd be listening to the xx's debut album, lying moody in my bed. now i'm listening to "end of august" off of noah kahan's new album, "the great divide." And I follow New York plates to the county line I ignore 'em when they wave on 89 Late August angst and a pointless night Oh, and the feelin' of being alive For the first time in a long time lyrics like this, and the rising melody, the keys driving the rhythm of the song - such a specific way of feeling alive at this time of night, all by myself in a quiet room, somewhere in the big city. life expands, and i don't feel so alone, and i want to pull magic from the everyday again. i want to be able to look back and remember the little things, the sways in moods, the small heartbreaks and little victories. let's see if i can keep it up, this practice of future-proofing my own remembering.

[himynameisobed]

the fall slump.

Shifting moods under cloud cover; this time of year always hits me like a ton of bricks and I always realize it too late, when I’m already lying dazed on the floor, wondering what’s happened and how I ended up winded on my back. I forget to anticipate and protect myself – enact rituals that will keep me safe and sane.

I only understood I slipped back into the unwelcome pattern during my one-to-one today with Chris, when he asked me how I am and I had a chance to pause and seriously think about the dip in my mood.

“I’ve been tired, for some reason, but I don’t know why.”   

It’s the sudden drop in temperature – the indomitable palette of grey imposing itself on the city, the dark mornings, the hiding sun, the moon rising too early casting evening shadows on quiet streets. I tell Chris that this slump will hopefully only last another couple of weeks, before I settle into the coziness of the season. I want to light a candle and write at my desk. I want to read fanciful stories that take me to brighter, softer worlds. I want to listen to music and sketch little nothings into a tattered book. These are the small ways I take care of myself.

But a darker force pulls me back into bad habits. Dark movements on dark days. Fall is my favourite season, but for me it’s also the hardest. I like the idea of it – the concept of cardigans, changing colours, falling leaves. I forget there’s always, year after year, this inevitable hurdle I must jump over to reach the other side.

I always forget the heavy struggle of early October.

[himynameisobed]

The Work of Unlearning.

A man texted me this morning after getting back from Stockholm asking if I wanted to hook up tonight. I immediately said yes and we made the plans, but then I thought about it more seriously, weighing the act and all its easy pleasures against a kind of nebulous and hazy feeling of hope and renewed control I have over my life. I let these considerations stew and settle as I went out to grab some groceries, and as I was walking around, I felt so present in the world – more connected to things, more alive. I was content, like I had everything I needed to live with freedom and integrity, and I felt strong. When I got home, after making and eating lunch, I texted him to apologize and let him know that I actually had (non-existent) dinner plans and would have to rain check (though I have no plans to pencil it back in). I went for a run, and later, in the evening, I went to grab some snacks from the shop nearby. And again, the sky was clear, everything was crisp and breathing, people smiled at me and I smiled back. I was happy with my choices, and on the way back, while listening to Lorde's "Man of the Year", I saw the most beautiful sunset peaking over buildings and through trees. It seemed like some divine reassurance that life could be beautiful without constantly undoing myself. I think I’m done with casual hookups for now. I’m learning how to let go of this need that’s been built into me, reinforced and fortified by a lifetime (so far) of messages and signals. I’m learning how to unlearn certain things and I’m excited for the freedom in that. I’m slowly growing out of needing these elements of chaos masked by pleasure. I’m learning to let a lot of things go, and I’m starting to feel lighter.

[himynameisobed]

slow rhythm.

Woke up at 12:30 today, which is not what I wanted, but that's okay. I wanted to wake up earlier, maybe at 10AM, make a coffee and read at my desk. Instead, I showered, changed, grabbed my big shopping tote bag and trekked it to three different grocery stores to gather the ingredients for a tortellini salad. Turns out it's kind of hard to find unsliced salami around where I am, so opted for some diced chorizo instead. The salad turned out delicious and I ate it while watching an episode of "Overcompensating", which I'm really enjoying. I put off watching it for a little bit because it looked too cringe and overdone, but I knew I would love it. Same thing happened with me and Heartstopper. This initial aversion to corny things seems to only ever delay the inevitable. Went to the gym, video called a man I have a date with, and then finally spent some time reading (and drinking that coffee I missed in the morning). Then went to hub for dinner and had some great conversations over chilli on pasta. Got to see Charlie for the first time in a while - haircut since his mini heart attack - and we finally got to talk for a bit after he drove me home, which was nice. All in all a nice, slow day. I love not working.

[himynameisobed]

Day 1

I recently quit my job in tech sales to take a job working as Operations Lead at a church my church is planting (meaning we’re sending a team into an existing church to kind of breathe life into it) The new job starts June 30th, so now I have a period of about a month to do nothing (before traveling to Salerno and back to Toronto for a bit in mid-June) - a no man’s land of empty time. I want to take this time to quietly prepare my heart for service - to meditate and pray and envision what I want out of my new role - how I want to approach things, how I want to make sure to listen to the community and hopefully have a good impact. I’m in a complicated position because I feel like I might get judgment from both communities I feel I belong to - from the secular queer community for deciding to work for an institution that has historically persecuted them and is responsible for extensive atrocities, but also from my community of faith for being gay. I haven’t fully grappled with the implications of my position or come to an understanding of how I totally feel about it, but I know I feel called to it, and I’m choosing to take on the role with a baseline of faith, hope and love. I think there’s a really beautiful opportunity to do some good, and to create a gentle, inclusive space where everyone can experience community and belonging and feel safe enough to try exploring a relationship with God, whatever that looks like to them. I picture an oasis in a difficult, divisive world rife with animosity. I picture people choosing to walk through life together in a real and meaningful way, even when it’s scary or hard. And for now, in this time of preparation, I picture myself reading, writing, exploring the city a little bit - getting comfortable with the quiet, and settling into a slower but more joyful rhythm of life.

[himynameisobed]

Another New Normal

- Last night, as I was reading, I felt a softly overwhelming (oxymoron?) urge to delete my Instagram and immediately implement a plan where I only use it on weekends. On one hand, I thought I was being a bit melodramatic, but then I thought it might be a God thing, so I posted a story explaining I'd be MIA on the platform throughout the week and then deleted it from my phone.

- After all, why would it be melodramatic to get rid of something that's designed to be addictive and use me as a product for profit (remember, if you aren't paying for a product, you are the product), and why should I delay in getting rid of it? What is there to hold onto?

- I've been making jokes about how instagram is giving me body dysmorphia, but as they say, every joke sprouts from a grain of truth, and I can tell that as I'm getting older and less confident in my fading looks, the platform is feeding more and more into a deeper insecurity.

- There are moments in life when you reach a crossroads and you have the opportunity to make a choice. Sometimes life is kind and you have several opportunities to make the same choice. Sometimes you need to learn a few things and repeat some mistakes before you can make the right choice. I turned 32 a couple of days ago, and I truly hope that this can be the year I start making the right choices, more often than not.

- Lunch at din tai fung: we enjoyed the shrimp wontons the most, and the chocolate xiao long bao's were great too

- My sister bought me a bottle from sunnies for my birthday, here's the colour breakdown:

- And then we threw a surprise 30th party for my brother Othniel. He loves bachata dancing so one of our cousins hired a dance instructor who basically led a zumba class (or what I imagine a zumba class to be)

- Ended up getting home at around 3am after making a stop at my aunt's locally famous restaurant, where we had a second dinner and got to hang out with our cousins in a more lowkey setting. Everyone waited for us to leave before going to bed, and we felt bad because they all had work, but my parents are notoriously bad at leaving gatherings, so it was a late but joyful night.

[himynameisobed]

A North American Break.

I've spent the last couple of weeks in New York and Toronto - New York for Dan and Kara's wedding, and Toronto just to drop by home and see family and friends since it was so close. Clark picked me up from JFK and as we were driving along the highway into the city, I felt a steadily rising affection and nostalgia for North America. I love the skyscrapers, I love the grid-laid streets, I love the inexplicable and boundless sense of forward possibility. I stayed with Clark (and his girlfriend Rathna, who I happily met for the first time) in Williamsburg, which was super convenient because that's where the wedding and all the wedding events were happening (a fact I did not realize beforehand). We got pizza the first night and everyone we interacted with was so full of character, personality and energy. Williamsburg is a hip and creative part of Brooklyn, and people walked around with a kind of selfless entitlement I find difficult to properly capture in words - kind of like an obvious yet understated confidence that never veered too far into outright cockiness - like everyone knew they deserved to take up space but weren't rude about it, and understood that everyone else deserved to take up space too. I can see myself living in a place like Williamsburg after London, and my stay there has really got me considering it. It was hot the whole time so I almost exclusively wore various tank tops and pairs of shorts, and cute boys would smile at me and nice girls would compliment my outfits. The city felt joyful and alive. The wedding itself was beautiful. I was there when Dan and Kara first met, so it was incredibly touching to see how far they've come and be part of the beginning of a new stage of their lives. I love love, and the sweltering heat of the day could not take away from the tender beauty of it. I unexpectedly got to see a lot of people I didn't expect to see while I was in the city. It turns out Renee was there for the same weekend, so we went dancing the night I arrived and hung out with a bunch of her friends a bit the next day. I saw Wusky (who I haven't seen in years) for dinner and got to meet his lovely wife. And my brother was also in town visiting his girlfriend Alison, so they joined me, Clark, Rathna and a couple of our friends at Birds of a Feather for dinner the last night I was there. And then I went to Toronto, which will always always always feel like home. I got to see my friends, and hang out with my siblings, and it was nice to spend a bit of the summer there. I had ramen with Megan on Wednesday night, met up with Conor, Renee, Joff, Gemma and my sister on Thursday night (and watched Legally Blonde at Corktown Common), hung out with the Meta crew + Bram on Friday night (with a special and coincidental guest appearance by Bre at Petty Cash), went to Bre's BBQ before going out dancing with Camilla, Conor and Keyana at Beam Me Up on Saturday night, and then had my goodbye/congratulatory dinner with my family on Sunday night. I flew back on Monday, walking through a storm to St. Patrick station with all my luggage. The rain poured down harder than I remember it pouring in Toronto and I would later learn that I had walked through the beginnings of a flood. Now I'm back in London, wiling away the days until I start my new job. I'm going to make a list of things to do on weekdays that I won't be able to easily do once I start working. And maybe play a video game or two. It's strange: while I was in Toronto I realized I've missed it a lot, but I also feel happy to be back in London. I've gotten used to the energy here and my life and routine. And I think once I start my new job, I'll really start feeling more settled and attached to the city. I'm excited to get back to work.

[himynameisobed]

Porto 2024

Dreamy, dreamy Porto. I took a weekend trip to meet up with Rob and Danielle at the tail end of their vacation through Portugal.

Robby caught a stomach bug right before I got there, so he was a bit sick the whole time, but he persisted through the days like a trooper.

We did a day food tour guided by a local woman named Mayumi who had great hair, amazing jewelry, and a robust knowledge of local history and food. I learned a lot of things that I'll likely soon forget, but here are a few of them:

Basically several staples of Portuguese food were developed out of a need for preservation (port wine, salted cod) so things could travel great distances from Portugal to England while there were tensions between England and France

The Portuguese have 360 different ways to prepare salted cod.

The domed roofs of several buildings were influenced by Arab culture, as were the tiles. The blue and white tiles were also influenced by Manchuria, but I can't remember how (something about trade).

Mayumi brought us to a bunch of local spots - a grocer, a canned fish store, a recently revamped famous food market (apparently it had very recently been in a state of complete disrepair), a casual restaurant, and allegedly the best nata shop in town. For food we had cheese with marmalade (the local name for this pair is Romeo and Juliet and it used to be for royalty), some canned sardines (apparently my favourite?) and canned salted cod, a selection of cured meats (some from pigs that only eat acorns to get fatty), more cheeses with a pumpkin jam, a muscle, and then another cod dish involving fries, scrambled eggs, and parsley before finishing off with some cinnamon-sprinkled natas.

It somehow came up in conversation that Mayumi was a big fan of anime and Miyazaki movies, and she told us that the view of Porto from across the river inspired the landscape of the coastal town where Kiki settles down in Kiki's Delivery Service.

In the evening, we went for dinner at a restaurant called Chama with a blind 6-course menu and it was really delicious - probably the best meal I had in the city. Throughout the trip I also finally got to try a francesinha and some grilled octopus.

The next day we visited the most beautiful bookstore in the world where I learned that The Little Prince is the 3rd most translated book in the whole world, right behind the Bible and the Quran. Naturally, I had to buy an edition specially made for and only available at that bookstore.

On my way out, a bookstore employee asked if I wanted to have my portrait taken as part of an art exhibit showcasing the diversity of Porto and other European cities. I got Robby and Danielle to do it with me and one by one sat in front of a camera in a van and each had one take for our portrait. They printed out blown-up versions of them and we got to pose with huge copies of our faces. I think I have crazy eyes in my picture, but everyone else seems to think I look handsome and kind.

In the evening, we walked across the bridge to the south side of the city, and as we were crossing, I looked back at the city and understood how Miyazaki could have been so inspired. The sprawling roofs of houses stacking up along the hills were beautiful and romantic. We had dinner and then watched the sun set into that incredible view.

It was a lovely trip, though I'm sad Robby's illness kept us cooped up in the apartment for longer than we would've been. At least we got to watch the insane Ashley Madison docuseries on Netflix, and The Talented Mr. Ripley. I'll have to come back to Porto again - to eat more seafood, visit the beach, and experience the nightlife. The wonderful thing about living in Europe is that traveling everywhere is so easy. I traveled with just a backpack for the first time, and I've never felt more liberated.

[himynameisobed]

Hamish Donald at The Waiting Room - 6/8/24

[himynameisobed]

Our Indie Band Era

Above: Felix Ross at The Waiting Room - 6/8/24

-

About a month ago, Shannon came across a tiktok advertising someone called Felix Ross's gig at The Waiting Room in Stoke Newington. It was only £10 and close by so we got tickets.

We went to the show this past Saturday and it was honestly so fun - surprisingly so, and very much worth what we paid and more.

We saw 3 acts: Hamish Donald (opener - an indie singer with catchy songs), Woon (opener - more of a wild rock band), and Felix Ross (headliner - another indie singer with catchy songs, but also a full band, which sweetly includes his younger brother).

The venue was small and intimate, with ambient lighting and a small bar at the back of the room. The crowd was younger and seemed much more familiar with the acts, but we were pleasantly surprised by everything we heard, with each act offering something different (mellow, indie tunes; harder, wilder bangers; and then something in between those two things, catchy and upbeat but not screaming and thrashing).

We swayed and bopped to all the rhythms in the dark light, alternately turning to each other and saying "This is honestly so fun," and "I can't believe this was only £10."

It was really hot though, so in between Woon and Felix, we stepped outside for some air in the smoking area and ended up talking to Hamish. I told him he did a great job and that he was a talented lyricist, and he seemed to take the compliment sincerely to heart, saying compliments about his lyrics are his favourite.

I thought it was going to be a short, kind of passing interaction, but he ended up talking to us for a while, telling us about himself and his music, asking us about ourselves and how we knew each other and came to know about the gig.

The beauty about these smaller, more intimate shows is that there's such a good chance of being able to interact with the artists, while they're at a point where they actually enjoy being immersed with their fledgling fans.

At one point, Felix came down from the stage and played an acoustic song in the middle of crowd and it was really cute. Later he would post a video of that part of the performance commenting that it was really special.

When it was over, we debated whether or not we should stay and try to hang out with the bands, or immediately go home and watch "Challengers". We chose the latter (arguably coming to later regret it), stopping by Eden's Cottage for some chicken wings on the way home.

Honestly, part of me simply didn't want to be one in the crowd of several young women, pining away for the attention of these artists who were in all likelihood several years younger than me.

Nonetheless, Shannon and I decided we should go to more of these shows because they're so affordable and we had such a great time (she's been playing Hamish and Felix's music since), and next time, we'll stay.

[himynameisobed]

Fish & Chips

Last Friday, I had a final round interview for a role that I haven't heard back from yet, and to celebrate the completion of that as well as the end of the week, I went over to Alex's for takeout and a movie.

For dinner, we settled on a British staple - Fish & Chips, which I surprisingly haven't properly had in London yet, save for once at a pub at King's Cross, but that wasn't a proper chippy.

The joke about England is that all its food is beige, so we opted for mushy peas to brighten everything up (and apparently mushy peas are simply a must). Later, I would talk to my sister about the mushy peas, recalling something I heard Alice (Alex's flatmate) say about them while we were plating the food.

Orpah: Aww mushy peas Me: I don't understand them! Orpah: It's just peas turned to mush as per British tradition. Me: Apparently it's made with a specific fat or something. Orpah: They're not made with fat, they're just mature peas called marrowfat peas 😂 Me: ... Me: I need to listen better when people talk.

We plated all our food and then watched "Alice, Darling" and after that harrowing experience, we decided we needed to watch something nice and uplifting, so we put on "Legally Blonde" (which Alice had never seen before!).

All in all, it was nice little evening and I left feeling very full and very empowered.

[himynameisobed]

Went for a morning stroll around the reservoir and got some breakfast (simple but yummy bacon sandwiches) with Nellie

I really love the fact that London is so rife with greenspace. Whenever I go for a run, I breathe in the scent of mulch and new life.

I used to think my favourite colour was red or blue, and maybe that was true for a time, but now, based on all the little things in my room - my bedsheets, my curtains, my pencil case and notebook - I think it's green; a deep forest green, or sage green - something calming and meditative.

Nellie and I talked about the complex nuances and dynamics of long friendships - how they're always full of different needs and wants, how they can be life-giving or sometimes destructive - and the difficulty of navigating these with grace but also self-preservation.

I've been making a solid effort to stay off of social media - specifically trying to avoid short-form content or anything that teaches my brain to only process bits of information at a time, constantly jumping from one thing to the next, desperate for hit after quick hit of stimuli.

I think my efforts have been having a positive effect already, even though it's only been a couple of days. What I've come to realize is that all those Instagram reels and memes and YouTube shorts have been crowding out my own voice in my head.

I'm slowly relearning how to dwell on my own thoughts and perspectives, and it's been interesting to examine what I think about on my own. I'm learning to make quiet a new habit. I'm practicing really listening to myself.

[himynameisobed]

Parting Verses

Right before I moved to England, my family decided to have a small vacation in Montreal and during this goodbye trip, my mom got everyone to give me their favourite Bible verses to guide and comfort me while I'm far from home. It was a nice exercise, and even now, I look back on these verses as a source of strength and light. Thought it would be nice to leave them here to look back on: Nanay - Micah 6:8 "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Tatay - Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Orpah - Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Othniel - Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Omri - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Ophir - Philippians 4:13 "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." and the one I offered was Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."