Thoughts
After an incident at work, I needed to get this out but am not comfortable with my co-workers enough to elaborate to them... if I was, I’d say this:
I wish I could make you all understand what I mean when I say “I’m feeling extra anxious today”.
It means that anything can set me off. It means that I may snap at you angrily because that is my default self-defense when my anxiety runs high… it means please don’t crowd me or speak to me all at once because I can’t handle the pressure of the noise and people all around me. It means I’m doing everything I can to just maintain my composure with being here while wishing I was at home where it was safe. It means my heart rate is increased and I have to focus my breathing in order to try to calm down and sometimes that doesn’t even work. It means I can’t think straight because the thousands of “what ifs” running through my head that I have no control over.
I may not acknowledge what you’re telling me, but I’m not ignoring you. I hear you, and I want to do what it is you’re telling me to do, but I am literally incapable of moving. I wish I could make you understand that I have no control over this. I can’t control my mind or my body with the things it’s telling me to do, or how it’s telling me to react. I have no control. “Just stop it” doesn’t work. Sometimes I need to remove myself from whatever it is that’s making me anxious, please don’t be angry with me over it as that will only make it worse. I may cry and shake and hyperventilate and yell but I am trying to allow myself to exist through the attack. Please don’t comment, please don’t tell me I’m overreacting. I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t stop it, and believe me when I tell you that all I want to do is stop it. I don’t enjoy this. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to burden anyone around me with these things, I just want them to understand. My anxiety is a product of the trauma I experienced. I did not ask for this. It is not an excuse… it is real. It’s as real as you or me. Just because you can’t see or feel the things that I am experiencing does not mean it does not exist.
I am a 28 year old survivor of abuse. I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder and I am trying. Please just allow me to do so in peace.
