i turned off the engine, and the tension in the car got even worse. i was scared to breathe, in fear that i would fall apart.
he was moving for a little while. all the way to america, just to expand the company and bring more success to the bts. and i was going to stay here. no distractions, according to bighit.
i released a long deep sigh i didn’t even realize i was holding in. i felt yoongi looking at me. his hand found its way to mine. “it’s okay. it’s okay to be sad. this isn’t easy.” he said as his fingers intertwined with mine.”
i looked at him, and he tried his best to not show any sadness. “can you promise me something without you getting mad?”
he furrowed his eyebrows. “what?”
“i’ve always trusted you. you could easily be at a party filled with other people and i wouldn’t ever think that you’d cheat. because i’ve always known that you love me and you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. but god everytime i think about this situation it’s like i’m preparing to never see you again. everytime i look at you i try to remember every single little detail of your face.” i said. “i need you to promise me one thing. promise me that you won’t just fall in love with a random person at a fan sign? that suddenly the stars you always say you see in my eyes aren’t there?” i asked, and i felt like such an idiot for doubting him like this. i was trying to not look at him.
yoongi’s hand reached out to my face, gently turning it to him, still holding my hand. “i don’t think you understand how not possible that is. i’m not kidding. i can’t live without you. i can’t live without your savageness, you hitting me in your sleep, your love for rilakkuma even though i’m on team kumamon. the way your body fit so perfectly in my arms. you always buying corn flakes whenever you are drunk. your perfect idea for a date is pizza and sex. your ideal valentines gift is a packet of nuggets.” he said, and i couldn’t help but to blush and chuckle at his words. “come on, you’re one of a kind. i wouldn't change you for anything, even if god promised to turn me into a stone my next life. just think about that, min yoongi actually walking another lifetime just to spend one with you." he said, his index finger finding it's way under my chin, and him getting closer. his lips pressed against mine, and i swear a tear fell down my cheek at his words.
“i pinky promise.” he said, looking at me as his forhead rested on mine and his pinky found its way to mine.
“i promise you won’t have to worry about that. you’re the love of my life you idiot, remember that.”
yoongi angst
god why am i always writing super angsty stories
the sound of the wind filled my ears as the october breeze hit my pink cheeks. i was feeling cold but at the same time i refused to stand up from this bench and go back to the house. i just couldn’t.
all i could do was sit here, and feel the falling of all of my emotions. i knew that just in a matter of time it would all come crashing down and i’d completely shatter, and that there was nothing i could do.
i could still hear his voice. i could still feel his lips against my cheek. i’m still prepared to be attacked by kisses when i come back home.
but it’ll never happen again.
i knew namjoon, jimin and the other boys were at my house. they propaly thought that they should’ve been the ones to tell me the news, but the police showed up before them. i left the minute they drove off. i know they are there, but i also know that the minute i go back everyone is going to be an emotional mess. i’m not ready for that.
i looked back up at the sky, and as every minute passed a new combination of colors was made, and god i loved every single of them.
the weather had been really nice lately. i watched the sunset with yoongi yesterday. it’s as beautiful today as it was yesterday. a nice day to go to heaven.
when i was a kid, i never got it. i used to stand in the background, trying to hid myself because of how embarrasing the whole thing was. i didn’t get it, and i promised myself to never fall in love.
of course, i was just a kid. toys, my parents and my friends - i loved them all. loving another person shouldn’t be weird, we just dedicate a little more love in them than others around. and i was just a kid, people would say i would grow out of it.
but i didn’t. i grew up, cringing everytime i saw someone kiss, even my parents. when the boy next door confessed to me, i slammed the door in his face telling him to never speak to me again. my friends yelled at me, telling me he did not deserve that. i knew very well he didn’t deserve it, but the intense feeling of embarrasment i felt that very moment he confessed to me justified my actions, for me at least.
it became like a rule to never speak to me about anyone’s love life to me. it was never declared in my circle, but everyone around me knew i didn’t like it one bit. i simply did not care. whenever my friends had done something crazy at a party i of course wanted to know, but i never wanted details. my intense hate for any kind of love relationship was real.
but the moment my eyes laid on min yoongi i just simply forgot everything. my hate for love, my values - it all just vanished into the thin air.
he sat next to me in class. he was a new student, apperently he hadn’t attented the first classes because he had just moved here. he was behind in whatever we were doing, and he asked me where the library was. of course, since we both attented a high class school you needed to pay to have a keycard to the library, which he didn’t have or had a afford to. i, being the nicest person ever, told him i could take him there so he could use my card.
he was struggling with the topics, so i stayed with him in the libraby and helped him out. suddenly we fell out of whatever we were discussing, and began talking. he was careful of course, really careful so he didn’t step on any boundaries. but suddenly we just started to talk about everything. we laughed until we started crying. smiled so widely i felt my cheeks hurt. we continued like that until the someone walked in and told us it was closing. it was midnight.
he called me the next day, and we met the following evening. he walked around a park nearby and just continued talking. everytime i felt his hand brush against mine i felt butterflies attacking my whole body.
when i arrived home i quickly came back to my senses, and realized what i had been doing. he sent me a text right after and asked if i wanted to hang out with him, which i replied with a “no.” to, even though i didn’t want to.
he came to my apartment the next day. he knew something was up. i had been talking to him for two days, and he knew me already so well. it seemed insane, and i tried to decline whatever he offered or told me, but i knew he was right. he convinced me to trust him. he convinced me to let my guard down. to let him love me.
and now i sit here all alone in a lonely bench. without any dignity left. without any pride. and without a warm hand to hold. different reasons this time, but still hating love.
the faint sounds of the christmas choir singing across the street. the snow slowly falling down from the sky. the street lights down the street. him.
you walked down the street, the silence soothing you. today is, was, your five year anniversary. you wanted to celebrate it with his favorite tea. god he bought it everytime he had the chance.
you stopped when you saw that you were outside the coffee shop. memories were flooding back. you hadn’t been here in a while. you were fragile. one single reminder could take a piece from you and you would just fall apart. you felt your body tense. you can do it.
you opened the door, and the warmth of the cafe hit your cheeks and immediately made you warmer. you saw the familiar faces of the baristas. “hi!” they waved, and you gave a faint smile back.
you walked to the desk. “one cinnamon tea.”
they smiled as you payed. so far so good.
“y/n?” you heard one familiar voice, and you turned around and saw jung hoseok standing behind you.
“hobi?” you smiled as you walked towards him. he couldn’t contain his smile as he wrapped his arms around you. “what are you doing here?” you asked. he left after he died, not being able to be here anymore.
“i have gig here. i leave in two days.” he said.
“and you didn’t call me?”
“i thought you maybe didn’t want to hear from me.” he said, his smile fading.
you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “do you want to talk once i get my cinnamon tea? the temperature is really nice we can sit outside.”
he nodded. the tea came maybe after a minute, and you smiled as you thanked. you and hobi walked out of the cafe and the two of you spotted a bench not far away.
you sat down and the warmth from the tea warmed your hands through your woll mittens. you tried taking a sip but it was still too hot.
“i miss him.” hobi broke the silence.
you looked at him. “me too.”
“i’m sorry for leaving.” he said, snuffling.
“why are you sorry?”
“i left when you needed me the most.” hobi said, not being able to look into your eyes.
“true. but i’m not blaming you. i would have done the same thing if i had the oppurtunity.” i said. “did you know it’s our five year anniversery today?” i asked, and he looked at me with so much sadness.
“y/n... im so sorry.” he said, him looking sadder than ever. “i don’t have the right words to say but you know you can always talk to me. i care.”
you tried taking a sip from the tea, and the aroma filling your nose woke up so many memories. it was getting too much. you couldn’t drink it. you knew you would fall apart.
you put the tea next to you. “i don’t know if i should say five year anniversary. we were only together for three years.” you said, looking down at your lap.
“i know this isn’t what you want to hear, but have you tried moving on?” he asked, looking at you nervously as he was scared that you might snap or something.
you breathed in. the thought of being with someone that’s not yoongi. “i have.”
“how did it go?”
you looked at him. “you know kim taehyung? i knew he liked me and i really liked him as a person so i decided to go for it. but the moment he kissed me it all felt so wrong. everything in my body was saying ‘no it’s not supposed to be you’ and i just ran away crying my heart out. i apologized though for leading him on when i thought i was ready. he understood it. at least what he said.”
hobi looked at you with such sad eyes. “when was it?”
“under six months ago?” you chuckled, feeling like such a fool. “it’s been two years and i can’t even kiss anyone. the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.”
“yoongi wouldn’t want that.” he said, and you looked at him furrowing your brows. “you know what he said to me the day before the accident?”
“he said that after our first date, he had called jimin and basically shouted that i was the girl he was going to marry. he told me that he couldn’t see his life without me in it. he said i was his anchor. that we were going to make so many babies and we’d fucking grow old together. i remember he was a bit late to the airport that day, and the last time i saw him he kissed me so passionatly. he kissed me all over the face, and said he loved me. i still remember how my whole body felt then. when he his lips left mine.” you said. “i can’t just move on.”
“it’s going to take time.” hobi said as his arm went over your shoulder, and you rested your head on his shoulder.
“there’s a line from this russian poem. we love just once in a lifetime. and spend the rest of our lives looking for something similar. i feel kind of like that.”
“that mentality is going to kill you.”
“if i one day am okay, i’m satisfied with that. god damnnit i’m even saying it’s our five year anniversary. i’m still counting. but if one day i do find someone, it’s okay. i know yoongi wouldn’t like me dwelling on the past. i just don’t think it’ll ever be the same. i’ll probably love them a lot, but not like yoongi. he was the love of my life. we were soulmates.”
he brought his hands to his eyes, probably wiping away his tears. you sat there for probably 30 minutes and talked. he talked about his dancing gigs. he really seemed happy. when it started to get cold the two of you said goodbye, and he promised you would hang out tomorrow maybe. he would atleast call each time he was in town.
when you reached home you still had my cup of tea with you, and you took a sip and it was cold. the taste still brought memories. you looked over the bed, and you remember all the times the two of you would play fight and it would end up with him tackling you to the bed and kissing you like there was no tomorrow. him waking you up by attacking you with kisses. maybe you will be fine one day. maybe you will love someone. you just knew it would never be the same.
turnnoffyourmind
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romaincrisis
andulkaphoto
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