Curled onto my side, both hands tucked underneath my cheek, I stare blankly at the wall of my childhood bedroom. I’ve been spending more nights here since Harry’s incident, and if you told me I’d be right back in the spot I was a little over a year and a half ago, I would’ve laughed. There was no way I could’ve resorted back to this, given how wonderful my life now was, but here I am. My eyes are heavy as I blink. Sleep hasn’t been coming easy for me since everything happened.
I could only bring myself to go to the hospital with Peyton once after Harry woke up. Seeing him there, confused, but trying to be optimistic, with no one other than Anya by his side…it caused too many emotions to flare inside of me. As much as I wanted to be there for him, I needed space. He didn’t remember, and it wasn’t his fault, but it hurt too much to realize he had forgotten everything. Everything I held so tight that it threatened to spill between the gaps in my fingers. He was my rock at my lowest. I believe I was the same for him, but now, he has no idea the lows we fell into. The lows that brought us closer than we had ever been, and the way we clung to each other to force our way out.
Sniffling, I sit up and run the back of my hand under my nose before I turn and drop my bare feet onto the hardwood floor. I open the door and cross to the bathroom across the hall. Going through my usual routine, I wash my face, and I brush my teeth, but the staring…the staring is new. My eyes are swollen and bloodshot. My mouth is turned into almost a permanent frown. It’s hard to evoke any other emotion when all the good ones have been stripped away from you.
I flick the light off and then I descend down the stairs where I can already smell coffee brewing in the pot. Bacon on the stove. Turning the corner, my mother’s back is to me as she supervises a few sunny side up eggs in one pan, and then she focuses on the bacon in the other.
“I know those footsteps.” Her sweet voice surrounds me, and I wonder what the hell I would do without her during all of this. What I would’ve done without her a little over a year and a half ago as well.
“It smells good, Momma,” I compliment as I lean to press a kiss against her cheek before pulling a mug from the cabinet.
I pour myself a cup of coffee and then sit down on a barstool that’s pulled up to the island - the warmth of the porcelain against my palms grounding me. Nothing is added to the mug in my hands. Usually I’m one for a couple of sugars, some oat milk or creamer, but not anymore. Harry likes his coffee black, so now I do as well.
“How did you sleep?”
She asks the question even though I know she already is aware of the answer. I woke up in another cold sweat in the early morning, and I’m sure she heard the sobs leaving me. Memories of that night being the cause, but in the form of a nightmare. I’ve seen my therapist once since everything happened, and I’ve yet to actually talk about it. She knows something happened that resulted in Harry losing his memories. Losing everything that was us, but that’s all. The details haven’t been something I can be specific about. Not to anyone. Even when I went over them with Harry, I was vague.
“Rough, but maybe a little better?” It’s a lie, but I know she’s already worried enough.
“Yeah?” Mom peeks over her shoulder at me, but I can see in her expression that she doesn’t believe me.
It’s quiet for a while before I shake my head and look down. “No. It’s not getting better.”
I can hear her maneuvering around the kitchen before a plate is sliding in front of me. Silverware is placed next to my right hand, and then my mom is perching on the barstool next to me. “Frankie,” she whispers. I already know what she’s going to say. It’s the same thing she’s said since Harry woke up. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“Mom, you know why.”
Conversations from the past two weeks come flooding back into my mind. When Harry saw my ring and asked about Peyton proposing, that’s when I knew my worst fear, the one the doctor said was a possibility, was coming true. My heart sank. Everything fucking ached when I dragged myself out of his room to call both Anya and Peyton to come to the hospital. I never thought I would have to speak to either of them again.
When Peyton walked me out of the room that day, he tried to make it seem like things actually hadn’t ended between us, and I bit back. I let him know that calling him and Anya was the hardest thing I’ve had to do since the day we separated, and that not a single part of this whole thing felt right, but that I was doing it for Harry.
Everything I’m doing is for Harry.
I found it in myself to call Anya once I knew Harry was released from the hospital. In a moment of complete desperation, but also a moment of seeking a foundation in all of this, I asked for Anya to keep their physical intimacy at a minimum. I knew it would be a while before he could even do that, given everything that happened, but if his memories aren’t back by that deadline, I couldn’t chance not drawing that boundary.
Anya resorted to telling me “whatever happens, happens”. She also let me know that while Harry was sleeping, she used his Face ID to unlock his phone and delete every single photo of just the two of us, or me, on his camera roll. Apparently our text thread was also deleted. She made it clear she wanted to erase our relationship completely. Joke is on her, considering I know Harry has a lock app on his phone specifically for photos of me. It’s a separate photo app that requires a different passcode, and we mainly used it for more scandalous photos he took of me. With my job as a social worker, I have to travel a lot, so they were a little treat for him if I was away for days at a time.
I knew for a fact that Anya would never be able to access those.
After she told me she deleted “everything” from his phone, she also let me know she boxed up all my things I had slowly been moving into his place, and the things I had left there over the course of our relationship. She left them outside of his door. I picked them without trying to crumble as I shoved them into the trunk of my car.
Sure, the apartment he was currently living in was one he briefly shared with Anya, but I had infiltrated that space longer. They broke up relatively soon after he got that place. Peyton and I broke up too. My clothes lingered in Harry’s drawers for months. That apartment is ours in every aspect. If it hadn’t been for my lease, I would’ve already been living with him.
“You’re putting yourself through turmoil,” Mom whispers as she slices into her egg and drags a piece of toast through the runny yolk. “This isn’t fair to you.”
“This is the only solution we have. Does it rip me apart? Of course, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t let this happen. His memories are gone right now. The only way to try and get them back is just to start from what he remembers. If we overwhelm him, or stress him, he could lose the last two years forever. If I have to give him up for a little bit for him to come back to me completely…it’s what I’ll do. He’ll understand." I bite off a piece of bacon even though my stomach churns.
“What if he remembers something from now, or the last two years, on his own?”
“We can confirm them, but we can’t push. That’s not our place. That’s the place for the specialist he’s supposed to be working with and…I hope that Anya is letting that happen.” My eyes shut as I breathe in the strong aroma from my mug.
“If she’s not, you’ll have to step in, my dear.” Mom’s hand reaches out to wrap around one of my wrists. “If she’s not advocating for him, for reasons that are more than apparent, then you have to.”
“I know, Mom.” I bring her hand to my mouth and press a kiss against the back of it. “We actually have a double date tonight. Trying to make things normal. If I know he isn’t getting the help he needs, I’ll step in.”
My mom’s lip purse to the side, and I can see tears pooling in her eyes. “Are you taking care of yourself?”
“Yes.” I nod while swallowing harshly. “Already signed back up for therapy. I’ve had one visit. I’m trying.”
“That’s all I ask, Frankie. I won’t watch you slip away again.”
My mom knows that I had initially started therapy when Peyton and I broke up. Everything about that situation tore down my self-esteem. It weighed on my mental health, but I was able to come out on top. Harry played a big part in that. After that, I didn’t need to go anymore, but now…it’s necessary again.
“That won’t happen. I’m right here,” I say while taking a sip of coffee. “He’ll come back to me, and everything will be okay.”
✦ • ✦ • ✦ • ✦
The knock on the door slightly startles me, causing the lipstick in my hand to go toppling onto my bathroom counter. I brace myself against the surface for a moment before sucking in a deep breath and heading towards the door of my apartment. Upon opening it, I see Peyton standing there, and my stomach swirls with unease.
“Hey,” he breathes as his eyes trace over me.
“Hi.” I step aside and gesture my hand inside. “I’m almost finished.”
He walks into my living room, a space he’s never been in, and I have to hold strong as I close the door behind him. Making my way back towards the bathroom, I quickly finish my lipstick and then walk back out into the living area.
“Why are you in boxes?” Peyton slightly scoffs.
“I was supposed to be moving in with Harry by the end of the month,” I say without hesitation. “I’m going to Mom’s for the time being instead.”
Peyton nods, but I can sense something about him. It’s as if he thinks I’m living in some fantasy world thinking that Harry will come back to me.
“You ready to head out now?”
“Let me just grab my bag and jacket.” I walk over to the hook near the door and grab both items. Once I pull the jacket onto my body and sling my purse over my shoulder, we head out of my place.
It’s silent between Peyton and I as we head towards his car. I dodge his hand against the small of my back, and then I slip into the passenger seat. After buckling my seatbelt, I clutch to my thighs to ground myself. This is the most suffocating environment that I’ve found myself in with Peyton since our breakup, and I would give anything not to be here right now.
He doesn’t speak as he starts the car up and pulls out of the parking lot. I stare out the window to distract myself, and once he starts on the straight route to what used to be our usual double date restaurant, I know he’s no longer going to hold back.
“This could be good for us, Francine.”
“Don’t fucking call me that.” I grit my teeth. “And I don’t even know how you could come to the conclusion that any of this would be good for me, let alone us.”
He knows that I hated it whenever he’d call me by my full name. It was my father’s mother’s name, and considering he hasn’t been in my life for well over half of it, I despise anyone using that name to reference me.
“We could start over,” he sighs as he tries to reach over for my hand but I immediately flinch. “This is a great opportunity. Anya is making the most of it.”
“Absolutely not, Peyton.” He looks over at me with narrowed brows for a moment before facing the road again. “You lost both myself and Harry when you decided to bury yourself inside of Anya. The only reason you're back in our lives right now is because this is my only chance at Harry regaining his memories.”
The flashbacks consume my mind. I groan as I press a palm against my forehead while shaking my head.
I had come from work early one day, a little over a year and half ago now, to find Peyton thrusting himself inside of Anya in our bed. My world shifted that day as I stood in the doorway watching them. They didn’t even notice me until I made the point of dropping my heavy tote on the floor, and once they looked over at me, they both were silent - as if they weren’t just fucking each other, Anya on all fours with Peyton bare behind her.
I immediately grabbed my bag off the ground, started towards the door as the two of them chased after me. I stopped to hear them out, and they revealed it wasn’t just a one time thing. They had been cheating for a few months behind our backs.
“I’m going to Harry’s,” I had told them.
When I moved again to head out and flee, they continued to call my name, but I didn’t stop again. I jumped on the subway, and I rode it to Harry’s stop in a haze. Once I got to his door, I questioned myself. Whether or not I wanted to ruin the years worth of relationship he had with Anya, the friendship he had with Peyton, but ultimately, I knew I needed to tell him. I knocked, and it only took a few moments for him to open the door.
“Frankie.” He immediately tugged me into a hug upon seeing how upset I was. “Oh my god. What is it? Do I need to call Peyton?”
The mention of Peyton’s name had me gasping as Harry led me over to the couch. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, keeping me tucked into his side while running his palm up and down my arm. Instead of trying to pressure me to talk, he gave me the time I needed to let out my initial emotions, and once I calmed down enough to speak, I didn’t get the chance to before there was a knock at Harry’s door.
When he opened it, Peyton and Anya stood in the doorway, and he looked back and forth between them before looking back at me. I think he knew right then what was going on, but he still allowed them to come inside. They each sat in one of the chairs Harry had set up across from the couch that we occupied. Their confessions didn’t look like they pained them in the slightest. It was almost as if they were relieved that they were finally able to come out with it, and they were no longer living a lie, but that didn’t stop Anya from hysterically crying when Harry kicked the two of them out. She clung to him, as if she hadn’t just admitted to sleeping with his best friend for months, but Harry wasn’t having it.
Once they were both gone, Harry let me know I could stay at his place for the night, and that he’d go over to the apartment I shared with Peyton to help me get some things tomorrow. I thanked him for letting me stay, but I assured him it would only be for one night, that I’d stay with my mom until I found a place of my own. Unfortunately, I didn’t find any sleep that night. I just laid on his couch and stared at the ceiling until the early hours of morning, then I got up and got ready for Harry to take me back to my apartment so I could get ready for work - like my entire world hadn’t been flipped upside down the day before.
“Well, it didn’t seem like the two of you ended up being too torn up over the whole thing,” Peyton mutters as he throws his blinker on, and he turns into the parking garage for the strip mall where the restaurant we’re going to is located. “You guys ended up being a couple like what…only three months after? Maybe at the end of the day, Anya and I actually did you both a favor.”
“Stop. Talking,” I say through clenched teeth as I now dig my nails into the skin on my thighs. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I can assure you that Harry and I both were very distraught over what you and Anya did. The only favor you did was that you showed me who you truly were before we ended up engaged. That would’ve been even more humiliating.”
Peyton parks, and I don’t waste any time on getting out. I pull my coat tighter around my body as we head down the elevator and onto the street. Once we reach the front door of the restaurant, my muscles stiffen when I realize that I am going to have to be friendly with Peyton in some capacity if I want my plan to work. We’ll have to touch each other, but I refuse to let him kiss me.
“Let’s get this over with.” I take his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, before Peyton opens the door and we walk inside.
My eyes scan over the dining room, and my chest aches when I see that Anya and Harry are already sitting at what used to be our usual table. Once they notice us, I clearly catch onto the flare in Anya’s eyes, and as we walk over to them, she quickly scoots her chair even closer to Harry’s, and she wraps one of her arms around his while dropping her head onto his shoulder. The way he smiles down at her has my stomach churning, but I push through as we make it all the way over.
Peyton takes my coat and bag from me, hanging them on the back of my chair before he pulls it out. I take a seat while smoothing my hands underneath my dress. I’m sitting directly across from Harry, who has a look of hesitancy sinking into his features. Given that we haven’t seen each other since he’s been discharged, I’m sure he’s a bit unsure on how to approach me given the trauma he knows we both went through - even if he can’t remember it.
“Frankie. It’s good to see you,” he says, and he reaches across the table, his palm facing up.
I bite down on the inside of my cheek as I drop my hand in his, and he immediately closes his fingers around it to give it a squeeze. My skin warms considering this is the first bit of contact I’ve had with him in weeks.
“You as well.” I’m being honest, but for more reasons than I know he’s aware of. It’s been so hard not being able to be with him nearly every day like we were before all of this happened. “You look great. How has your recovery been?”
“So far, so good. I have my first appointment with my neuropsychiatrist next week. He’ll be working with me to try and get my memories back, so I’m really looking forward to that.” He gives a sad laugh, and I realize he still hasn’t let go of my hand. Not being able to help it, I run the pad of my thumb across his knuckles in a soothing manner. “It’s been really hard not being able to remember.”
It’s a relief to hear that Anya is allowing Harry to make all of his necessary appointments. I’ll need to find a way to make sure that appointments are actually happening like they should, and I’m not sure just how I’m going to do that yet, but maybe I can convince Peyton to keep checking in on Harry for me. I can almost guarantee that if I were the one to text Harry, or call him, to ask about his progress, Anya would have a fit and ask him to stop communicating with me.
“I can’t even imagine, Harry. I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” I whisper, and when I can feel Anya glaring at me, I regretfully pull my hand away from Harry’s. “I know Anya has you covered, but if there’s anything that I can do…that Peyton and I can do, please let me know.”
“He’s got everything he needs for now,” Anya butts in, her tone a bit snarky, but Peyton clearing his throat has her fidgeting in her seat. “Thank you for the offer, though, Frankie.”
I know that Peyton and Anya are no longer together. I’m not exactly sure when they broke up, but it’s nice to see that Peyton is at least trying to get her to keep her attitude in check. The last thing we need is for Harry to sense any sort of animosity between the three of us. That will just confuse him even more.
Before any of us can say another word, a server comes over to ask what we would like to drink, and if we would like to put in any appetizers. Anya orders herself a glass of wine, Peyton orders an old-fashioned and I decide on a dirty martini - extra dirty. Harry sticks to water, and I’m sure that’s because he hasn’t been cleared to have any alcohol again yet, or maybe he’s not drinking for the time being considering he believes the accident happened when we were all at a bar. Peyton also orders the caprese for the table to start us off. When the server announces that she’ll be back with our drinks along with the bread and the dipping oil they pair with it, I can’t help but let my eyes focus back on Harry.
“I thought you hated martinis.” His brows are a bit narrowed.
“I used to.” I tilt my head from side to side and have to think on the spot as to why I do like them now. I can’t tell him it’s because one day he made me an incredibly filthy martini at his place, and ever since then, they’ve been my go-to drink. “I was feeling adventurous one night though and decided to give it another go. I told them to make it a little dirtier than normal, and sure enough, it stuck.”
“Look at you branching out.” He sends me a playful wink that causes me to lose my breath, and I do my best to not react how I usually would.
“Just trying to broaden my horizons.” I shrug with an equally playful grin.
The server returns and puts down our drinks and the bread. I immediately grab mine and take three large sips in an attempt to ease my nerves. Lifting the skewer of olives, I bite one of them off and then drop it back into my drink. We pass the basket of bread around the table, each of us taking a piece. I drag my own through the oil before popping it into my mouth.
I can’t help but keep silent as Harry and Peyton fall into conversation with each other. The way Peyton can play into this so easily, as if no time has passed, has me shifting uncomfortably in my seat. As they speak, my gaze falls upon Harry on instinct as he talks. I’m not sure how long I’ve been staring at him until I feel a set of eyes on me, and I see Anya gripping her wine glass.
“So, Frankie,” Anya doesn’t hesitate to interrupt the conversation that’s already happening, “how’s work going?”
It’s obvious she’s trying to distract me from continuing to get lost in Harry, and I understand I may have been staring, but this whole thing is new for me as well. It’ll take me a while to control my body so it doesn’t resort back to the way it usually responds being around him. I just pray that I won’t have to do this for long. I don’t even want to think about what I would do if his memories were gone permanently.
Shaking the thoughts from my head, I plaster on a fake smile before replying to Anya. “I’ve actually been given extended leave considering everything that happened. I’ve, uh…I’ve had some trauma I’ve been working through since the incident with a therapist, but I think I’m getting back to where I need to be to start taking cases again. All the ones I was working on before everything happened have been divided upon my colleagues.”
“You’re still a social worker?” Harry asks with a brightness to his tone. Even when we weren’t together, he’s always admired what I’ve done for work.
“I am.” I nod while taking another sip of my martini. “I don’t think I could ever see myself doing something different. Helping people is my passion.”
There’s a flash of something in Harry’s eyes, what it is, I’m not exactly sure, but it’s gone before I can fully register it.
“T-That’s great.” Harry clears his throat before he pushes back from the table. “I’m just going to use the restroom.”
“Do you need me to go with you?” Anya asks.
“No, I’ve got it.” He leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead, and then he’s heading down the hallway towards the bathroom.
Once he rounds the corner so he’s no longer visible, I blow out a deep breath and slouch in my seat. I tilt my head back and close my eyes, hoping for just a bit of silence to decompress, but Anya clearly has a different idea.
“Things have been really good since he’s been back from the hospital. He hasn’t really remembered anything, nothing too specific, at least, but it’s so nice being there for him.” I know her words are being said to taunt me, and I bite down on the insides of my cheeks to refrain from snapping.
“Well, that’s because he’s living in the past, you know that right?” Peyton turns to the server to thank them as they set down the caprese that he ordered for all of us.
I can sense some bitterness between Anya and Peyton, and again, I don’t know the specifics of how they separated. I really don’t care to ever know, but it’s obvious that there’s some unresolved anger there.
“Peyton’s right. This is all just temporary, Anya. There’s a very big possibility that Harry could wake up one morning, and he could remember everything.”
Anya shrugs while gulping down a large sip of wine. “That could be true, but who knows, depending on how long that takes, he may change his mind about going back to you, even if his memories do come back.”
“When his memories come back, not if. They’re going to come back, and he’ll remember everything you did to hurt him. I can assure you that when that happens, he won’t hesitate to come straight back to me,” I tell her while clenching my fists on top of my thighs underneath the table.
“Oh, really? How do you think he’ll feel when he realizes that I was the one there to help him through his recovery, and that you completely neglected him?” Anya bites.
“Okay, that’s enough,” Peyton snaps at her. “We all know, even if you don’t want to admit it, Anya, that Harry will understand why Frankie is doing what she’s doing. It may hurt him, but he’s going to feel worse for Frankie than he’s going to for himself. He’ll hate that they had to go through this whole thing together without actually being by each other’s side - not being able to be there for one another.”
Anya doesn’t have a chance to react as I shush the table when I notice Harry coming back from the restroom. I try my best to push down the irritation I feel towards Anya, but also the discouragement I feel about this whole situation over all. Again, we don’t need Harry catching onto the fact that there’s any issues between us.
“Oh, the caprese’s here.” Harry rubs his hands together as he sits down, and he’s quick to unroll his silverware. He places the napkin in his lap, and then we all reach forward to take some of the appetizer from the plate.
The server returns to take our entree orders after a few minutes, and I order another martini as I know I’m going to need it to get through tonight.
As we make our way through the rest of the dinner, I only really speak when I’m spoken to. I don’t try to initiate any sort of conversation on my own because I just don’t have the energy to fake it anymore right now - not after what Anya said. She, unfortunately, succeeded in what she was trying to do. As much as I want to believe what Peyton said, and that Harry would understand why I’m doing what I’m doing right now once he remembers everything, I can’t help but wonder if that’ll be the case. Will he be upset that I let Anya infiltrate his life in such a personal way again?
Because of the fact that I’ve grown so quiet, I feel Harry focusing on me every few minutes, and when that happens, I fake interest, or I pull a small smile onto my lips to look like I’m engaging. I don’t need him realizing that I’m very much mentally checked out right now.
Once our bill is paid, which Peyton offered to cover completely to celebrate the fact that Harry is home, and that things weren’t as bad as they could’ve been, we head towards the front of the restaurant. Peyton announces that he’ll go and grab the car so I don’t have to walk in the cold for too long, and he says goodbye to Anya and Harry as well before disappearing out the door.
I distract myself by tying my coat around me before I feel a soft touch to my elbow. Looking over, I see that Harry’s hand is cupping it, and there’s concern etched into his face. “Hey, are you all right? You got a little quiet there towards the end.”
A lump forms in my throat, but I’m quick to will it away as I try and think of an excuse as to why I practically checked out of the later part of our dinner.
Anya steps closer to us and rests a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “Harry, are you ready? These heels are hurting my feet.”
“I only need a second, Anya. ‘M just checking on Frankie.”
Gathering my thoughts, I start to nod. “Uh, yeah,” I reach forward to rest my hand in the crease of his arm, considering he was still cradling my elbow, but then we release our hold, “I’m just thinking about this one case that I was working on that I had to pass along. Since I’m technically on leave right now, I’m not allowed any updates until I’m back in the office. They were on my mind tonight when it was brought up, that’s all.”
“One thing I can remember is that you do tend to bring work home with you - in the emotional sense.” He reaches forward to pull me into a tight hug. “I’m sure whoever got that case has them taken care of, Frankie, and if you’re worried about them thinking you abandoned them, I’m almost positive they were informed of what happened. It’ll be okay.”
My arms wrap around Harry without hesitation, and I take a second to breathe him in. “I know, H. Thank you for trying to ease my mind. I promise you saying those things helped.”
I can feel his cheek lifting up against the side of my head, signifying that he’s smiling, and I confirm that I was right when he pulls back to look down at me. “It was good seeing you again. Anya said we’ve all kind of been busy so we aren’t able to do dinners every week like we used to, but maybe we can do them twice a month? Once a month at the very least?”
“Sure. I’m positive Peyton and I can work something out so that we can make that happen.” Looking out the window, I see that Peyton has pulled out front and has put his hazards on. “We’ll text you.”
“Sounds good.” Harry steps back to wrap his arm around Anya’s waist, and I awkwardly reach forward to give Anya a side hug.
“Goodnight, you guys,” I breathe out before practically dashing out of the restaurant.
Throwing open the passenger side door to Peyton’s car, I climb inside as fast as I can and buckle my seatbelt. Peyton is at least mindful enough not to try and speak as we journey home. I curl myself as close as I can against the door as silent tears start to fall onto my cheeks.
“Do you want me to take you to your apartment?” Peyton speaks up once we’re near my building. “I can take you to your mom’s instead, if you’d prefer.”
“No, I need to stay there overnight so I can pack up some more stuff.”
Once he pulls into the parking lot, I open the door to flee, but he wraps his hand around my wrist. “For what it’s worth, Frankie, I don’t want Anya thinking she’s winning something in all of this either. She was out of line tonight, and I wasn’t going to just sit there and listen to her bullshit.”
“Well, thank you,” I lick over my bottom lip before I shake my head, “but you also see this as some sort of opportunity that it’s not. I need you both to understand the fact that I’m doing all of this for the man I love, and that’s the only reason. Once this is over, things are going to go right back to how they were, and you’ll never hear from Harry and I again.”
Not giving Peyton a chance to throw some comeback my way, I shake free of his hold and then exit the car. I head up to my apartment and unlock the door, and I feel such a hollowness in my soul when I’m practically just coming back to my bed and a bunch of boxes. Before everything, I had been staying at Harry’s more than I had been staying here, so this truly doesn’t even feel like my place anymore.
Dragging myself into my bedroom, I sit down on the foot of my bed and shrug off my jacket. I rest my elbows on the tops of my knees, dropping my face into hands, and I do my best to fight off the memories that I know are coming. I’ve felt them building up all night, but I managed to force them away in the restaurant, but I don’t think I can anymore.
I gasp as I remember Harry’s attacker looming over me after he had thrown Harry behind us. My hands were shaking as I tried to take off my earrings and my necklace as fast as possible, handing them over since I had already given him my bag. Thankfully, he was too dumb to care about trying to go after Harry’s wallet, given the fact that he was now unconscious, because as soon as I finished giving him all of my things, he fled as fast as he could.
Tears continue to fall as I pull my head up, and I extend my left hand out in front of me. I bring my other hand up and smooth the pad of my thumb over the diamond on my ring finger before I’m clutching that hand to my chest. I’ll be forever grateful that this didn’t get taken from me because right now, it’s the only thing I have that’s keeping me grounded. The ultimate token of Harry’s love for me still exists right here on my finger, and even though we’re suffering right now, it gives me the hope I need to know we’ll get through this.
✦ • ✦ • ✦ • ✦
Taglist: Taglist: @daydreamingofmatilda @prettygurl-2009 @slutstachrry @lillefroe @gem1712 @lemoncrushh @namoreno @mellamolayla @idklilili @angeldavis777 @michellekstyles @triski73 @daphnesutton @harrrrystylesslut @giitterysuits @hannah9921 @mema10 @fruity-harry @fangirl509east @babegoals @sassamanda77 @this-is-tiny-mia @2601-london @stylesftcher @harryyloverrr @haliastyless @rach2699 @gilwm @junhuisworld @mysunflowerposts @indierockgirrl (if you’d like to be added to my taglist, please DM me!)
my harry fanfic has been turned into an actual book! make sure to grab your copy of LUSH SEDUCTION (ebook or paperback) on AMAZON! it'd mean the world to me if you did 🩷
let's show the world that fanfic writers can make it :)
my harry fanfic has been turned into an actual book! make sure to grab your copy of LUSH SEDUCTION (ebook or paperback) on AMAZON! it'd mean the world to me if you did 🩷
let's show the world that fanfic writers can make it :)
A short story - in which Sutton Ford doesn't like Christmas, but her next-door neighbor, Harry Styles, and his daughter, Josephine, are hoping to have that change.
❆ • ❆ • ❆ • ❆
• Can also be found on WP here.
• Four parts total and are told in third person.
• Content warnings: mentions of parental neglect, talks of divorce and smut.
• Please see below for Sutton’s faceclaim and Harry as well (obviously).
The next day, after a mental war with herself, Sutton found herself back on Harry’s front porch with a potted plant in her hands. She had already knocked, and was waiting for him to answer, as she shifted her weight anxiously from one foot to the other while chewing on the inside of her cheek.
When the door opened, it was oddly reminiscent of how last night was, silence overtaking both Harry and Sutton for a while as they stared at one another.
“Hi.” Sutton immediately cleared her throat with how strained her voice sounded. “I-I came over to apologize for last night. I was completely out of line. You and Josephine were just trying to do something nice, and it was really deplorable of me to yell at you over that.”
Harry’s lips curled up into a soft smile as he tapped his fingertips against his doorframe. “To be honest, I kind of had a feeling that you’d come to once you calmed down. There was no offense taken, I promise, but I appreciate the apology.”
Sutton went to speak again, but she was interrupted by a little voice echoing down the hallway.
“Daddy, is that Sutton?” Josephine popped up next to Harry, her head bumping into his arm as his hand was still resting on the doorway. “Do you like all your decorations?”
“I do.” Sutton nodded as she bent down a little bit to get eye level with the little girl. “Your dad told me that you helped him pick those things out, so I wanted to come over and thank you both.” Standing back up, she extended the potted plant to Harry. “This is a spider plant. It’s a thank you, but also a token to go along with my apology.”
“I don’t like spiders,” Josephine stated with wide eyes as she took a step back.
“Fi,” Harry chuckled, but Sutton held a hand up to take the lead.
“I don’t care for spiders much either, but it’s just the name of this particular plant,” she explained. “No spiders are in it. I promise.” Sutton made eye contact with Harry once again. “Once it needs its first trimming, I can come by and show you how to do it. You don’t have to water it very often, but when you do, just make sure you give it a lot.”
“This is very kind. Thank you.” Harry gave her a nod before looking down to his daughter. “How about you get your boots and your coat on so we can head out?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your afternoon.” Sutton fidgeted with her fingers nervously. “I’ll go so I can get out of your hair.”
“Daddy and I were about to go to the Christmas market. Do you want to come with us?” Josephine asked while bouncing on the balls of her feet. “It’s so pretty, and we haven’t been yet this year.”
Harry smiled warmly at Sutton. “She’s not wrong. It is very beautiful. If you don’t have any plans, please join us.”
“I wouldn’t want to intrude on your day together.”
“You wouldn’t be.” Harry took a step forward, and unlike last night, Sutton didn’t make any moves to take a step back. “We’d really like for you to come along.”
The look in Harry’s eyes brought back that unusual feeling that Sutton had felt last night before falling asleep, and although there was a part of her that was screaming for her to run in the other direction, she wanted to explore the way it made her feel even more.
“Okay,” she agreed while flicking her eyes over to Josephine for a moment, and she watched as an adorable grin took over the entire girl’s face.
“Yay! I’m so excited!”
Josephine took off down the hallway and both Harry and Sutton laughed before looking back at each other. “I’ll drive us, if that’s okay. You can head back over whenever you’re ready to go.”
“Sure.” Sutton nodded. “I’ll be back in a few.”
For a moment, she didn’t make any more moves to walk off the porch, and time seemed to stand still as both Harry and Sutton ran their eyes over one another. It had been a long time since someone looked at Sutton the way that Harry currently was, and she swallowed harshly at the heat that started to swirl in her lower abdomen.
“See you then,” Harry said, which caused Sutton to startle just a bit, and she quickly scurried down the steps and back over to her house.
Once she was inside, she pressed a palm to her chest to try and slow the racing of her heart. She truly wasn’t expecting for Harry to forgive her for her uncalled outburst so quickly, and she especially wasn’t anticipating an invitation from both him, and his daughter, to join them for the afternoon.
After realizing she had been leaning against her front door in an attempt to calm down, Sutton then made her way into the bathroom to spruce up her hair just a bit, and spray on some perfume before grabbing her winter coat from the closet in the hallway.
By the time she locked up her house and was heading back over to Harry’s with her purse over her shoulder, both Harry and Josephine were walking out their own front door. The girl was still bouncing, much like she was when Sutton had agreed to go to the market with them, and that had Sutton smiling.
It had been so long since she had been around people who enjoyed celebrating Christmas like Harry and his daughter. Although she had colleagues who got excited over the holiday, Sutton wasn’t sure if she had ever seen someone with as much joy for Christmas as Josephine.
As Sutton approached the car, Harry was just getting Josephine settled in her booster seat. He shut the door and turned around, and a crooked grin perched on his lips as he saw Sutton standing there.
“Just giving you a heads up, she’s going to want you to look at everything that catches her attention once we get to the market. The love that the Styles family has for Christmas definitely rubbed off on her,” Harry informed her as they walked around to the passenger side of his car. He opened the door for Sutton, which had her brows raising in surprise. “Breaking my heart a bit here, Sutton.”
“Why is that?” She asked as she slipped into the seat and pulled her seatbelt across her body.
“This is probably going to come out wrong, so I apologize in advance, but I can tell it’s been a long time since you’ve let someone try and take care of you.”
Time stilled as Sutton stared back at Harry, and she didn’t know why she said it, but the confession slipped out. “I don’t think I’ve ever let someone try and take care of me.”
Harry hummed, and he fought the urge to reach out and touch her in some way - not wanting to scare her off. “Well, let’s see about trying to change that.”
Once her door was also shut, he made his way around to the driver’s side of the car, and he got inside. As he started it up, Christmas music started to play through the speakers, and Sutton smirked.
“Told you,” Harry laughed. “After Thanksgiving is over, it’s strictly Christmas music in the car and in the house. No exceptions.”
“Not complaining.” Sutton put her hands up in faux surrender. “You did give fair warning.”
The wink that Harry sent back to her sent off a swarm of butterflies in her stomach, and she was quick to try and wrangle them in as Harry started off down the road towards town.
Sutton had seen a few flyers here and there about the Christmas market that went on in the heart of downtown, but she never really took the time to inspect them. She didn’t have any intention of wanting to go before, so she never saw the need when it came to looking further into it, however, now that she was going, she could feel excitement starting to take hold.
“So, the spider plant,” Harry started, and Sutton looked over at him as he continued to drive, “what’s the story behind those? Do they symbolize anything?”
“Well, in some cultures, they represent prosperity and good fortune, but it’s also a pretty simple plant.” Sutton ran her palms over her denim covered thighs as she spoke. She knew her love for plants probably came across as boring to most people, so the last thing she wanted to do was burden Harry with that. “I figured it might be something fun for you and Josephine to do together. To take care of it and water it. I have a greenhouse in my backyard, and I have a lot of different houseplants, but that one was speaking to me when it came to you.”
“Is that what the shed is now? A greenhouse?”
Sutton nodded. “Converted it into one when I moved in. I work with plants and crops for a living. They’ve always been interesting to me, and having the greenhouse helps me wind down after a long day. I enjoy tending to them - helping them grow.”
“Well, the spider plant is beautiful, so I can only imagine what your other plants look like. Plants have intrigued me before, but I just never knew where to start with them,” Harry said as he came to a stop at a red light, and he glanced over to Sutton. “Maybe you could help me pick out some others for the house.”
“I would really enjoy that.” Sutton grinned, twirling one of her rings around her finger. “You could come by and check out the greenhouse. If you see something in there that you like, I can give you some cuttings, and you can start to grow one of your own.”
“Sounds perfect.” Harry looked back to the road as the light turned green. “You just let me know when.”
“Daddy, can you turn this song up?” Josephine asked from the backseat. “This is one of my favorites.”
“You’ve got it, Fi.” Harry turned the volume of the radio up by using the control on his steering wheel, and Frank Sinatra’s voice started to fill the car.
Josephine sang along quietly, and Harry hummed along to the tune, while Sutton did her best to try and place it. She knew she had heard this song before, probably from a movie she had watched, or stores she had been in around the holidays, but she had never taken the time to actually listen to the lyrics. The words that were used to describe Christmas, matched with the crooning voice, had a warm smile pressing to her mouth.
It only took a few more minutes for Harry to parallel park his car on the street, and pay the parking meter downtown, before the three of them made their way into the market.
Sutton had never seen so many Christmas lights in her life, and she could only imagine how beautiful it all must have looked had they been here at night to actually see them glow. She could feel eyes on her, and she looked over to see Harry watching her. Neither of them spoke as he placed a hand against the small of her back, and he led them all over to the hot chocolate booth that he knew Josephine was dying to get to.
“Do you want regular hot chocolate, Fi, or peppermint?” Harry asked as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket.
“Regular with the tiny marshmallows, please!” Josephine tugged on her father’s other hand, and then she looked over at Sutton. “What kind are you going to get?”
“I think I’ll go for the regular as well,” Sutton responded as she started to open her purse, but Harry’s hand gently came down on top of hers. She looked up to meet his eyes, and she saw such tenderness in them.
“I’ve got it, Sutton.”
“Harry, you really don’t have to. I can-”
Harry shook his head. “I want to. Please…let me.”
Sutton swallowed harshly, but she closed her purse and looked back down at Josephine who was now standing between her and Harry, holding each of their hands.
“Do you want the big marshmallows, or the little ones?” Josephine asked. “I always feel like you get more if you get the tiny ones.”
“I guess I should do the tiny ones then, huh?”
“I think so.” Josephine looked back over at Harry. “After we get hot chocolate, can we show Sutton the ice statues?”
“Of course.” Harry then turned to the young woman at the hot chocolate stand, and he ordered three regular hot chocolates with tiny marshmallows for the three of them.
“Can you tell me more about these ice statues?” Sutton glanced down at Josephine.
“It’s a contest! During the time the market is open, people work together on their own ice blocks to turn them into statues, and then everyone votes to see who wins. Daddy said once I’m a little older, we can enter it.”
“Well, that sounds exciting,” Sutton commented as Harry began passing the hot chocolates around. “Do you know what kind of statue you would want to make?”
“Maybe a snowman, but then sometimes I think that’s too easy, so I also thought about maybe making a Christmas tree with presents underneath it.”
“I think both of those would be so beautiful, and I’m sure you and your dad could do either one.”
Harry smiled when he turned around and saw both Sutton and Josephine carrying on in conversation, and he extended his free hand down for Josephine to take. “Come on, Fi. Let’s show Sutton the sculptures so she can see for herself.”
Once Josephine’s small hand was wrapped up by her father’s, Sutton fell in step with them as they walked further into the market. It didn’t take long for them to come across the section set aside for the ice sculpting contest, and Sutton was truly amazed at the talent that was surrounding them.
“Oh wow,” she gasped while watching a particular couple work on their sculpture. “And people sign up to do this every year?”
“Yep.” Harry stood beside her as Josephine sipped on her hot chocolate - standing between the two of them. “I don’t know how they can think of a new idea every time, but they seem to have no problem doing it. I’m sure once Josephine and I do it once, she’ll want to keep doing it every year after.”
“If there’s anyone who can think of a different thing to sculpt every year, I’m sure it’s Josephine,” Sutton laughed while cupping the warm cup in her hands.
“Sutton, it’s okay if you want to call me Fi. All of my friends do.” Josephine shrugged.
“Alright then, Fi. Does this mean we’re friends?”
“I think so! I think soon we’ll be best friends.”
Harry loved seeing how comfortable Josephine was around Sutton. It wasn’t that Harry made it a point to keep a woman he found himself involved with away from Josephine, but he had never seriously dated a woman since the divorce that would warrant the introduction. He had been on a few dates here and there, however, Josephine was his main priority. Between work and having Josephine every other week, dating had just gotten too exhausting for him to keep up with, and he was happy with the decision to hold off on that part of his life for the time being.
On the other end of things, Sutton just so happened to be curious about the relationship that Josephine had with her mother. It wasn’t her place to ask if her mother was still in the picture, or if she and Harry shared custody. Sutton hadn’t even spent a whole day with the two of them, so she definitely wouldn’t be bringing it up. She figured that if she spent more time around Harry and Josephine, she would eventually find out.
The three of them continued to walk through the market, and they soon approached a marked off section where you could pick out your own Christmas tree.
“Sutton, do you have a tree?” Josephine asked as Harry took her empty hot chocolate cup away from her.
“I don’t.” Sutton shook her head, and tossed her cup as well.
“Well, if you wanted to get a tree, my Daddy and I are really good at decorating, and we wouldn’t mind helping you. Putting ornaments on the tree is one of my favorite things about Christmas,” Josephine suggested with a shrug, and although she was trying to be nonchalant about it, Sutton could see just how badly Josephine wanted to continue to help Sutton make her house feel like Christmas.
“I don’t think that I would be able to figure out how to properly decorate a tree on my own. So, if I were to go get one, I’d definitely need your help.” Sutton looked over at Harry to get a read on how he felt about this, but he gave her an encouraging nod. “If I get one today, will you come over so we can dress it up together?”
“Can we, Daddy?” Josephine looked up at Harry with a gleam in her eyes. “It would be so fun to help Sutton decorate.”
Harry laughed before reaching out to readjust the scarf around his daughter’s neck. “As long as Sutton is really open to having us over, we can help her out.”
“I meant it,” Sutton assured both of them. “I don’t have any idea where to start, so I’ll be needing some guidance.”
Standing up straight, Harry looked around before pointing to the store behind them. “This is where we always get our ornaments and decorations for the tree. We can pop in there first and grab some things, and then we pick out a tree before we head out.”
“Sounds perfect.” Sutton held her hand out for Josephine, which the young girl eagerly took. “I’m following you here, Fi.”
Walking into the store, Sutton allowed Josephine to tug her around as Harry followed behind them. He didn’t butt in too often with his own opinions, wanting to let Fi take the lead with just how excited she was, but every now and then, Sutton would ask him what he thought - concerned that he may feel excluded.
As Josephine and Sutton approached the register with her basket full of decorations, Harry walked to the register on the other side of the store to purchase something that he picked out for Sutton’s tree all on his own.
He met back up with them at the front of the store, and Josephine immediately questioned Harry about the bag. “What’s that?”
“It’s something for Grandma for Christmas,” Harry lied, but it satisfied Josephine as she tugged both Sutton and Harry out of the store.
“Time to pick out Sutton’s tree!”
The smell of pine filled Sutton’s senses as they walked into the section lined with different Christmas trees. She continued to let Josephine guide her, just like she did in the store, however, Harry was definitely taking his time to really inspect the trees.
“I think this could be the one.” Harry pointed out a tree that wasn’t too tall, but was fuller than a lot of the other trees that were still around. “How tall are your ceilings?”
“This one will definitely fit. The ceilings in my living room are vaulted.” Sutton walked forward and ran her fingers over one of the branches. “Looks perfect.”
“I’ll just let them know this is the one we want. They’ll bundle it up a bit tighter and I have some bungee cords to secure it to the roof of my car.” Harry walked over to where one of the attendants stood, and he gestured towards where Sutton and Josephine still stood by the tree.
It didn’t take long for the tree to be packaged up and Sutton stayed with Josephine as Harry brought his car around to the opposite end of the market since it was closer to the trees than where he had originally parked. With the help of the attendant, they strapped the tree to the roof, and then Harry helped Josephine into her booster seat.
Once they were all in the car, they started off towards their neighborhood with the Christmas music playing even louder than it had been on the way into town just a few hours ago. Although Sutton didn’t know many of the words, she tried her best to sing along to a few of the songs, especially ones that she noticed Josephine really liked.
“I can order us some pizzas to eat while we decorate,” Sutton offered as Harry pulled in behind her car in the driveway. “As long as that works for you both. Unless either of you have any type of dietary restriction, I can just-”
“Sutton.” Harry reached over and took her hand, and he gave it a small squeeze. The gesture had both of them freezing a bit, but when she didn’t try to pull away, he ran the pad of his thumb along her skin. “Pizza would be wonderful. Fi is a pizza fiend.”
Sutton let out a small laugh of embarrassment as Harry pulsed his hand one more time around hers before releasing it. “Sorry, it’s just…I’ve never had people over before. You guys will be the first, and I just want to make sure I’m doing this right.”
“Doing what right?” Harry tilted his head to the side.
“Socializing, I guess?” Sutton felt her cheeks heating up. “Outside of work, I’m very much on my own almost all of the time. I know I’m probably super awkward to be around, but I’m trying.”
“I don’t think you’re awkward.” Harry shook his head as he turned the car off. “Not in the slightest. I know I’ve already enjoyed spending the afternoon with you, and I can tell that Fi has, too. You’re really fun to be around, Sutton.”
He hopped out of the car before she could respond, and once Sutton and Josephine were settled inside, narrowing down the pizza order, Harry grabbed the tree off the top of his car. Once they found the perfect place for it in the living room, they secured it in the base that Sutton had bought at the store, and then put the pretty tree skirt around it that Josephine had picked out.
Over the next hour or so, with the pizza debuting halfway through their decorating session, Harry, Josephine and Sutton brought Sutton’s living room to life. As they tended to the tree, Josephine made Sutton put on How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and Sutton had to keep herself from getting distracted with how invested she was getting with the movie.
Now, Sutton and Harry sat on the floor with a napping Josephine on the couch behind them, and they finished off their slices of pizza while sipping the soda water Sutton had to provide.
“I almost forgot,” Harry stated as he pushed himself up from the floor. “I bought you something.”
“What?” Sutton stood up as well while wiping her hands on the paper towels she had grabbed for everyone to use while eating. “Harry, you already bought me the tree, and everything outside, you didn’t need to get me anything else.”
Harry then walked back into the living room with a tree topper that resembled a chandelier, and he made his way over to the tree to place it on top. “I saw this one at the store, and it reminded me of you.”
Sutton admired the beautiful decoration, and she shook her head before looking over at him. “Why did it remind you of me?”
“I think…it’s because of the way I saw you light up today,” he stated, and he hoped he wasn’t making her uncomfortable by confessing his observation. “I could tell the moment you grew more comfortable not only being around Fi and I, but also letting yourself take in what Christmas is like here, and I hope you had a nice time today.”
“Oh, I did.” Sutton smiled as she walked closer to Harry, and she crossed her arms lazily over her chest. “To be honest, which I’m sure you picked up on, I never really celebrated Christmas growing up. My parents weren’t very…nuturing. Every year when the holiday would come around, I would hear all the kids talk about what they wanted, and I just sat there knowing I’d get nothing. I wouldn't even get to enjoy any part of Christmas because my parents didn’t care about it. That’s kind of why I freaked out yesterday. No one has ever done anything for me like you and Josephine did yesterday, and now today, and I hope you know how much I appreciate it.”
Harry stepped forward, taking up the gap that was between the two of them, and he lifted a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind Sutton’s ear. “I hate having to hear that you didn’t get to take part in Christmas as a child, because in my opinion, that’s when it’s truly the most special, but I’m happy that Josephine and I could let you experience it for the first time. I kind of had a feeling there was more to the excuse that you had given Josephine about why you hadn’t decorated, but it wasn’t my place to say anything about it. I’m really grateful you took us up on the offer of coming to the market. I think I enjoyed seeing you there as much as you enjoyed taking it all in.”
Sutton felt her heart beginning to pound in her chest, and she lifted her hand to gently rest on Harry’s wrist - considering his palm was now lightly cradling the side of her face. “Thank you for accepting my apology, and giving me a chance to spend time with you and your daughter. I don’t think there’s anyone else who would have put me in the spirit like you both did.”
Harry’s thumb stroked along her cheek for a moment before they both dropped their hold. “Josephine is going to be staying with her mother all week, and if it’s not too forward, I’d really like to take you out to dinner.”
As much as Sutton had been enjoying Harry’s company today, the last thing she expected was for him to want to spend any sort of time with her outside of this whole situation.
“Like…like a date?” Sutton stammered, and Harry let out a soft chuckle.
“Yeah, like a date. If that’s alright? I haven’t been on one in a really long time, so I’m pretty rusty, but I think we could have a really good time together.”
“I can almost promise you that it’s probably been longer for me than it has for you,” Sutton joked lightly. “But I think we could have a really nice time, too.”
“Perfect.” A grin grew on Harry’s lips. “I can pick you up on Saturday? Around six o’clock?”
The sound of Josephine stirring on the couch had both Sutton and Harry looking back, but Sutton was quick to answer Harry’s question before his daughter could completely come to.
“Sounds perfect.”
❆ • ❆ • ❆ • ❆
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