The thing is it's undeniable, since it happened too many times, this quirk has somehow become traceable to me. That I get these randomness feelings, mostly unsolicited but not unwelcomed. Most of it funny, really; some silly thoughts. I could probably in the verge of jumping off a cliff in Siquijor or probably at the back of a motor bike in Ha Giang, so out of this world thoughts-- feelings, or worse, nostalgia. It has been going on for a while, this love-hate relationship with nostalgia. I just hate it, but I just love the high it gives, the warmth, the sadness in it. It's just so guiltily human.
I have noticed that it has become normal to me. This abstinence in deep feelings that I have been naive in these past months. This evasion of big feelings by not just thinking about it and how it made me take lots of things for granted. Taking feelings just about arms-length, not even touching the surface. I am afraid I think, to catch anything not within what I want to feel, and that's justifiably good. But sometimes it will just strike you on a random Monday, and now you have these feelings inside of you, not quite sure where its moving towards to. I could barely call it an epiphany, or an inspiration. It comes, then it goes. It's uncanny, like a ghost of the past, or the future? Who knows?
The point is, this nostalgic feeling is somehow a new appreciation of how my life went and the life I wanted lately. How I see things in other people could have been what other people see in mine. How I keep wanting things and how I restrict it. It's just so alive.
