☠ contradictions.
Kyungwon was not the only one that had been shocked by the actions of the younger. Not in his darkest dreams had he thought of himself to be capable of ending the model’s life, and yet here he was, hardly having escaped the attack that had been caused by Namjoon’s lack of self control.
Maybe, he should use the opportunity and make Kyungwon believe that this was his very last warning; to let him know that indeed Namjoon did not care whether or not he was still breathing. Maybe, that was the perfect opportunity to take revenge on the elder for all that he had said and done. Maybe, maybe, maybe… If only he didn’t feel so horribly guilty for all that had happened, and if only he wasn’t so afraid to lose Kyungwon completely.
A stupid feeling, to be honest. After all, had Kyungwon ever truly been on his side? Had he ever really cared? What exactly was it that he had lost after their break up? They hadn’t seen each other in two years (at least, not counting the pictures that had greeted him from the magazines), and the one time that they did meet, Kyungwon had done his uttermost best to remind him of just how little he had cared about Namjoon. Would it really be that bad to just let him die?
(Yes, it would be.)
A long silence was what followed, the younger simply at a loss for words. What did you tell to the person whose life you had just almost taken away? What did you tell the person you once fell asleep to every single night? What on earth was he supposed to answer to the (rhetorical) questions of the model?
Instead of speaking, Namjoon opted to keep quiet for a little bit longer, extending his arms to hand over the blazing hot cup of tea towards the model. The younger didn’t quite understand why Kyungwon simply continued to ramble, without really lashing out at him. Was he, perhaps, stalling and trying to keep him here as long as he possibly could while he was regaining strength? Would he attack the second he felt powerful enough to do so? Of course, there was a possibility he would, and yet Namjoon hadn’t even bothered to move away. Regardless of whether or not Kyungwon had deserved this, it was still Namjoon’s fault that he had ended up in this position—and as much as he was supposed to hate him, this was really the last thing he wanted.
‘Kyungwon-ah..’ The word had left his lips in a whisper, a new silence following suite. Somehow, knowing that Kyungwon had been shocked by his outburst as well was the worst part of it all. After all that they had been through, the elder should have known that he wasn’t the kind of person to give up without a fight—but this was more than just that. Namjoon knew less than his ex lover was willing to admit, and yet he knew enough to know that Kyungwon really was convinced that Namjoon wouldn’t harm him that badly.
Heaving a soft sigh, Namjoon pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on top of his knees. He didn’t really want to look the model in the eyes, didn’t want to be confronted with whatever was hidden in deep brown colour of them. In the end, it was so much easier to ignore your feelings when you didn’t have to be confronted with them.
But how to explain? Did he really want to explain? Did he need to? Wasn’t it as if he was admitting defeat, in a way? Not often did it happen that Park Namjoon was left speechless, but it seemed that hardly a single word was able to make way past the photographer’s throat. So much for his confidence.
‘I..’ he started, still debating on whether or not to come clean. It was wiser not to, he knew, and yet the words came spilling within seconds after that. ‘I didn’t really plan on killing you, I didn’t want to go that far. I just.. I lost control. Not that you didn’t deserve it after all that had happened but.. I wasn’t going to, not really. I wouldn’t want you to—‘
Too much. Namjoon quickly cut himself off, shaking his head at his own stupidity. He shouldn’t be here apologizing to Kyungwon, not now. Not even when he felt guiltier than he’d ever done before.
Minutes passed, and finally Namjoon had grown the guts to look up at Kyungwon again, his eyes void of any kind of emotion. ‘I don’t know why you didn’t expect it, either. You should have. I should have.’ It seemed his mask had taken over again, his attitude changing more than ever; it was only seconds later that it melted down once more. ‘…but I couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. I should be able to, you really do deserve it, I’ve got enough reasons to want you dead.’ Harsh words mixed with fear and pain, his eyes reflecting exactly that. ‘But I couldn’t, believe me. If I could, you wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t be sitting here right now.’
He probably shouldn’t be speaking such truths; should be keeping more to himself. Not only because Kyungwon deserved to be left in the dark, but also because his words could turn against him as soon as the elder had completely regained his strength. After all, you never knew what the pyrokinetic would be going to do next.
‘Just drink the tea,’ he eventually ordered, cautious eyes back to following the elder’s every movement. ‘It’ll help you warm up better—and don’t worry about being found out, I made sure the cameras weren’t working. Nobody will ever know a thing.’ And if they did, it was Namjoon that was going to be found out. Only heaven knew he should’ve been far more careful and controlled about his actions.
This whole situation was something that Kyungwon wasn’t prepared for, it never had happend before nor did he ever think that it actually would happen. The thought alone had never crossed his mind not even once and this was why right now he was simply so...unprepared. No proper words would come to his mind, no proper reactions would come to him because he simply just didn’t know how was he supposed to handle this whole thing.
Namjoon had nearly killed him and that was going to haunt him for the rest of his life, because ofcourse...that..that had killed his pride completely. It wasn’t like he was shocked that Namjoon would dare to actually harm him, it wasn’t like he was upset that his ex lover wouldn’t hesitate in making his life end, and specially it wasn’t like something deep inside of him was stinging, just aching but he just couldn’t tell what on earth was that feeling. It got to the point where he had winced and gripped onto his chest tightly as he pushed himself up in a sitting position, while he was gaining back his energy and he wasn’t freezing anymore, he was now aching, badly. Kyungwon had seen what staying in ice could do to your body and your skin and the thought that his body might become gruesome had gotten him highly paranoid, checking at his hands every few seconds with his breath hitching frightened of what he might end up seeing.
But Princess was there and she was doing her best in healing him as much as she possibly could, returning him his body warmth, making his swollen body recover bit by bit but the model was simply highly OCD when it came to his appereance and both him and his familiar knew that just the tiniest bit would make him anxious and worry.
He wasn’t clueless about Namjoon’s secret persona, he had interacted with it before plenty of times specially whenever the two of them would fight violently but never, not even once had it gotten to this point. The empty look that was given to him didn’t frighten him, actually his own look was completely empty this whole time. Dark orbs simply staring at the youngers frame as he spoke no emotions whatsoever radiating from them, it was back to how it always was.
Namjoon desperately trying to clear things up to be forgiven while Kyungwon would just carelessly stare at him with empty dark eyes not budging one bit, not caring one bit.
Something was different however.
There was a feeling the pyrokinetic couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
And exactly that feeling had made him ignore the youngers order to drink tea because there was something else bothering him highly and he needed answers. He wanted answers because nothing about this made any sense to him.
Swiftly the man got up from the bed only to move over to the edge of the bed where Namjoon was currently sitting at, his expression never changing and remaining blank as he found himself pushing his ex lover down onto the bed, letting him hit the mattress and locking him down against it by sitting ontop of him while his hands had found the way to the collar of his shirt, yanking him up as he twisted at the fabric with a tight grip. In order to make him unable to push him off he had raised his body temperature once again though unlike before, it was just enough to make him a tad bit weaker against him.
Empty and emotionless eyes were now staring deeply into the brown orbs of the photographer almost as if he was seeking for something within them, an answer that he desperately needed right now.
Kyungwon stood silent for quite a long while, simply sitting there studying the look that Namjoon would be giving him and only long minutes later had he spoken up, but his words were nothing more but a simple question.
‘’Why would you save me?’’
But that wasn’t the only question that he had been seeking answers for, he had so many questions just roaming inside his head, his chest aching and stinging because of them but Kyungwon being Kyungwon, he’d ask the most plain ones at first because the other ones would surely harm his pride even more.
Other minutes of silence had passed and this time Kyungwon couldn’t help himself as the need to know the truth had been far stronger than his pride.
‘’Why would you take care of me?’’
