What is it like to fall asleep without worry? I can’t remember that feeling.
As I pace around my bedroom every night, I think about all the things that I have ruined, the things that have gone sour in my life, and the impending future in which time is always running out. Where did I go wrong? Why did I do those things? Friends that meant the world to me, I stopped reaching out to. People that I loved, I hurt in ways that I could never forget. The potential and oppurtunities I have had, and how one event set me back years. Every waking hour feels as though I am playing catch-up. The constant weight of trying to love and reciprocate with my parents, especially as they age, as time continues to march forward. I wish at times I could spend more time with my parents, but could never live under the same roof again. In time, I will surely have to take care of my parents in old age, as they took care of me throughout my formative years leading up to my graduation. The sides that I have to choose, friendships that conflict, lifestyles that do not mesh. When I lived paycheck to paycheck, the only worry on my mind was money. Money is still present in my everyday thoughts, but now I am more stressed from juggling the multitude of social relationships and demands in my life. Studying has been my solace to distract myself from these everyday woes. These worries will not go away, and I try my best to reflect on how I can make peace with this turmoil. I wonder who will still be around as my journey progress with time. What else will I lose, and will the gain have been worth it? What good is this life if I cannot share in experiences with the people I hold near and dear? I don’t want to end up all alone with money and misery. I hope this year concludes peacefully, despite the turmoil that has transpired.
