My weakest spot is You, didn’t you know?!

#moviesinmyhead

[hollyannuka]

What I know about myself

I’m a surgeon

My stitches are perfection

Finding critical solutions

Connecting injured tissue

Creating my best patchwork yet

Holding together everything

To keep that heart going

I’m a surgeon

At my personal trauma center

Sewing fragments together

Like weaving a carpet

From the pieces that are left over

Making sure there is another beat

Extending the time

To perform all lifesaving measures

I’m a surgeon

Every hug is another transplant

Giving me the strength

to mend the wounds

Use them as vital parts

for my mosaic of pain

Caused by different people

This is what you need to know about me

For now

I’m not a fighter

I’m not a survivor

I‘m a surgeon

At a hospital called ‚Heartbreak’

[hollyannuka]

You ask me what I did today ?

I went over every conversation

Every minute with you

Every moment

And I looked for the point

Where I went wrong

Where you decided

I wasn’t good enough

I wasn’t even worth trying

[hollyannuka]

Tell me, how did I end up here again?

[hollyannuka]

„I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.“

I miss you with every breath that hurts to breathe since you left me. I miss you with every word that I can’t speak since you are gone.

„I miss you I miss you I miss you“,

I whisper into the dark.

[hollyannuka]

You pretended that forever was a dream that you were dreaming too.

[hollyannuka]

I don’t want to be the girl

That never got over that guy

But there you are

Nothing real

Maybe half

And you know

we’re not kids anymore

So playing this out

Is different now

So I am THAT girl

Because you don’t let me be

Anyone else

And keeping it close

To you

To my heart

Is the one thing I know about myself

Right now

That is still there

And has never changed

Even though

Just maybe

This is it

This is me moving on

Not being the girl

That is not over you

But the girl that is

Over unrequited love too

[hollyannuka]

Being in pain felt normal

The way you can pretend you are alright

Carrying it around

Superior to those who sought help

Wearing it like handcuffs around the heart

Making sure it stays where it belongs

Collecting more

Like pendants for a prized bracelet

Matching the scars earned long before

Etched in on the shining armour

Worn as they were strikes

Ready to be counted

Waiting for the result

To win nothing for the highest score

[hollyannuka]

Follow me

Please please

Follow me

Out of the dark

Where you left your mark

On my heart

But you aren’t going to

Right?

Not after that night

Not after that fight

I’m haunted

When the lights go out

And I don’t even know

What it was about?

Still looking for you

In the darkest place

When our hands lace

I was in there too

The deep end

Where i was trying

to fend for myself

While to defend myself

To my self

Because i can find

The ugliest words

I know where it hurts

And I know it’s not kind

But god, are you blind?!

I don’t want to leave you behind

Where you can’t see

And trying to flee

The way, I try to escape

Before I completely fade

And lose my entire shape

That’s what I‘d hate

So I need to get out of here

Need to get out of there

So I could cut and run

And jump that gun

But I don’t want to leave you

Because you deserve it too

Follow me

Please please

Follow me

I’m aching

from waiting

To step into the light

Gather the last of my fight

And finally try to be

Happily me

[hollyannuka]

Do you actually know

That I stood on the sidelines

This whole time

Loving you

Watching you

Choosing every girl

Except me

And all the while

I rooted for you

For your happiness

And if I’m being honest

Deep down

I was still hoping for ours

[hollyannuka]

“You mean a lot to me. Not meant, mean. You’re not my past. You’re my presence and my future. There’s no way I’m gonna lose you along the way that I’m going. You were the first and especially now you need to believe that you will be my last. Even though I’m with her right now. You need to believe in me. In the boy who stood alongside you in front of the shop with the expensive suits. The one who listened to you when you told that you’re wanting a man that wears this on your wedding day. The boy who interrupted you and said that he’ll wear whatever suit you want him to. You mean a lot to me and you’ll still mean a lot to me when I’m with her.” That’s what she wanted to hear for so long. She knows that the reality is going to hurt much more. There he stands, after 2 years and is still looking at her like the day they met. “You mean a lot to me. Don’t think otherwise. She wants me to stop meeting you. It scares her that you’re my past. I’m sorry. I’ll contact you when she gets over you.” He hugs her for a second, turns around and walks away. She wanted to scream. Where were you? Where are you? Where is the boy who told me that he will be mine and I will be his future? She does nothing. Just stands there and tells herself that he never promised anything. The boy and the girl in front of the shop is just a memory that haunts her but never haunted him.

[hollyannuka]

There are a lot of questions

Running around in my head

And I don’t know the protocol

There is no blueprint of how this goes

Do people actually have any idea what they are doing when they feel like this?

Because I don’t know anything

Here are my questions

Of course, they concern you

They all concern you

And me

Is it okay to message you?

Am I allowed to say I miss you?

Do you miss me too?

Do you hurt as much as I do?

And are you grieving too?

And these are the “easy” ones

There are some more

What about:

Would you pick me

if you would meet me tonight?

At a bar like the last time

Are you looking at me

and thinking I’m beautiful?

Remembering everything about that night

Would you fall in love with me

With the me I am today?

This person that you said goodbye to

Would you say hello and smile

Instead of goodbye and cry?

Was this right?

And when you think about it

Gets your chest tight?

Is this change irreversible

Or am I irreversibly changed?

After all this

After all us

There is one thing I do want to say

For all it’s worth

If I may

You gave me happiness

And I wanted it to stay.

[hollyannuka]

How about we pretend

Just for one whole day

Get up and outside

Meet at midnight

Meet at our spot

And we just pretend

Pretend that we are together

That we are where we belong

That all these years of suffering

Never happened

Never will happen

How about we pretend

That I can breathe

And that you have your hands

In my hair

Instead of around my neck

Pretend like I haven’t called the cops

Pretend that you and me

Weren’t in that court house

Pretend that I don’t need the support group down the street

Pretend that you swallow your pride

Instead of the pills

Both pretending that we have a chance

Because after all

I didn’t pretend to love you

But this is not the way you treat your forever

Let’s pretend you didn’t take my forever too

[hollyannuka]

I can’t be her

My eyes are a different color

And you know it

Every time you look at me

Believe me

I see

You taking a moment

To get used to them

And there is a split second

You are sad

And it’s okay

Believe me

I see

Because I’m doing the same

[hollyannuka]

You ask me what I did today ?

I went over every conversation

Every minute with you

Every moment

And I looked for the point

Where I went wrong

Where you decided

I wasn’t good enough

I wasn’t even worth trying

[hollyannuka]

Every bone hurts

How did I end up here ?

I need every ounce of strength

To keep breathing

Look at me

Why am I not good enough ?

[hollyannuka]

You want to be friends ?

Then stop texting in the middle of the night..

Stop!

Because with every word

It feels like you miss me

Every word makes me feel something

I shouldn’t feel

A fucking whiplash!

[hollyannuka]

All I want to tell you:

I want this

All of it

All of you

All of me

Everything

The only thing

Im waiting for

Are your thoughts

But they are still hers

Aren’t they ?

[hollyannuka]

You remember ?

I told you we are supposed to be friends.

It wasn’t because I couldn’t fall for you.

It was because I knew you wouldn’t.