Be happy in your own skin and in your own company. Have likes and hobbies, things you do that make you feel good about yourself. Create something. Strip down an old dresser and paint it baby blue, or write a poem that’s probably crap but made you tear up when you wrote it. Make an actual dinner. Fuel your body and mind with what it needs not just what you want in the moment. Move and strengthen your body. Make it sweat. Make it strong. If you’re perpetually unhappy or sad, find out why. You know why? Awesome! Seek help in learning how to manage your emotions. Be content. Be someone others want to be around.
Get your hair trimmed and your nails done. Curl your eyelashes and wear some pink gloss or red lipstick. Wear something feminine that make you feel pretty and light. Should you have to dress like a 50’s housewife to be viewed as properly submissive? Of course not. But if you want more of a traditional gender-based dynamic, then look - and embrace - the part. It can be fun. And femininity can feel pretty darn good. And, like and agree with it or not, traditional femininity draws male attention. If being ‘you’ is wearing sweatpants and a messy bun, that might be cute on a Saturday morning in the privacy of your own home, but the potential new man at the grocery store isn’t going to look at you twice. Oh, and for god’s sake, smile.
Be you… unless you is a total bitch. I’m all for a healthy degree of sass and snark (have we met?), but when it crosses over to mean and gossipy, that’s when men typically take a pass. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself Is this in good fun? Are the people involved actually having fun? If the person I’m talking about overheard me, would they be upset? I’m not suggesting everyone be Gandhi, just don’t be a cunt. Be nice. Be helpful. Think about people other than yourself and do things for others. Be a good girl.
Pay your bills. If you can’t pay your bills, call your creditors and make a plan. No quality man is going to save you from your shitty decisions. Clean your house. Your living environment is a reflection of your personality and what’s going on inside your head. A man with his own shit together isn’t going to embrace chaos. I’m not talking about clutter; few people expect or demand perfection. But if your house or your bedroom or your car is embarrassing…. well, be embarrassed. And fix it. Let your environment reflect a together woman, one he would be proud to know - and potentially own.
It’s cliche and I’ve said it before, but people can be whoever they want to be online. You can absolutely, 100% meet quality people on dating sites and even places like Craigslist and Fetlife (I know, I know), but cast a wider net. Ride a bike. Go to the beach. People-watch from a cafe patio. Join a Meetup group and get out in the world. There are people out there. He might be out there.
Ok, so you’ve left your house. Yay! That’s a big step. But now you have to engage with other people; you can’t exist in a bubble and expect to find love. Walk tall. Make eye contact. Smile. Be present.
“Have you read that? I really liked it.” (bookstore)
“Can I ask what you’re drinking? I’m trying to find a ___ I like.” (anywhere with drinks)
“Love the shirt.” (any decent t-shirt, any town)
“Nice man bun” (this has never happened, but I suppose in a worst-case scenario anything is possible)
Like attracts like. I don’t care if you’ve read The Secret and agree with it or think it’s bunk, but you absolutely get back what you put out. If you’re convinced you’ll never meet or find anyone worth knowing, then congratulations! You’re right. But the same is true for the flip-side; if you’re living a life that makes you whole, and you believe it’s simply a matter of time until you meet the one(s) meant to cross your path, then congrats to you! You’ve determined your own fate.
You look pretty, you’re out on the town, and you’re smiling and making eye contact with someone. Wait… stop doing that!! Don’t eye-fuck the man! Smile and lower your eyes. Fake a little shyness if you must; don’t let on that you want to climb him like Everest. Be a lady. Inspire respect. Let him open the door for you. Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ Mean it. Lower your walls; give him a chance to be awesome - he very well could be. Don’t feel the need to fill every silence. Listen. Don’t be bowled over, but let him talk. Let him lead.
Know What a Dom Actually Is
A Dom is a man who is drawn to lead. He might not wear black leather. He probably won’t scowl. He could very easily wear cargo shorts or clip his toenails into the toilet. It’s entirely possible that you won’t spot his dominance like you would a bald spot or tattoo. His dominance is his character; watch him and see how he is. Does he defer to you for choices, or does he make the decisions - even small ones? Is he the clear leader in his circle of friends? He might be the quietest person at the table, but do people look to him for advice? Does he handle his business, both at work and at home? Is he honest and does he demonstrate integrity through action as well as words?
You’re right, I wrote nothing about kink. The kinky stuff, if you choose to partake, is in the details worked out after you’ve met and gotten to know the man. Anyone can swing a flogger or order someone around. It takes a different kind of person to inspire the desire to submit. That’s who you look for. Everything else is secondary.
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