Honesty Speaks @honesty-speaks - Tumblr Blog

Find your voice, Let it be heard!

For me, it started at a very young age. As long as I can remember, my parents always taught me, the importance of not wasting food and looking to the positive side of every situation life deals you because there is always someone out there who has been dealt a worst hand. Seeing the advertisements on TV about families not having running water, not having enough to eat, or never feeling safe in their own homes, made my heart ache. It put reality in a new perspective. I did not grow up with a lot, but I always had a full tummy going to bed and home I felt safe in. Around the age of 4 or 5, my parents had to make sure I was not calling the phone numbers on the advertisements offering to share my bedroom/home with those families in need. At the time. I did not understand why parents would not let me.

Many years later, I find my self reading a me to we book.

There as questions to be answered at each chapter in a journal.

Here are my first set of answers:

What are you most thankful for?

There are many things. My top list is:

Being able to put food on the table

Feeling safe

Having a good health and healthcare providers

Being surrounded with so much love

Having had the opportunity to go to school and work in the healthcare helping others

What makes you angry?

While there are people in world who cannot make ends meat, there are people constantly competing with others around them to have the biggest, most expensive things in the world, and are willing to pay any price to achieve their goal most often buying way more than what they need. (oversize house, multiple houses and cars, clothes etc) They believe that by accomplishing their goal, they will be looked up to by many. Idunno what is sadder. The fact that so many people have this mind set and tend to want to be friends with people who are like this? Or the fact that there are so many people in world who has dreams of one day having enough food on the table and a safe, comfortable place to call home. Some kids don't even know that a life exist beyond poverty.

what five values guide you through life?

Hard work

Reliability

Respect for others and their choices

Helping others when possible

Positivity

Alone

Although I am surrounded by people, I've never felt more alone! Fuck! I'm trying! Trying harder than I have ever tried to be positive! I'm moving soon, I'm doing something for myself! I should be happy! I hate having highs and lows! Is this normal? Tonight I lie in bed, trying to sleep, but my head keeps spinning! I'm not worried about moving! Going on a plane for the first time is a little frightening! It's the lease of my worries! I'm worried I won't find someone! I'm starting to doubt myself! I'm begging to think I'm not worth it! At this point why hasn't someone I liked, like me! Am I too picky? Am I asking too much? Will I ever be in a happy relationship? So many questions! It's a void that has never been filled! My family does not help either! They make comments on my sexual orientation! Do they not realize how much it hurts me? Do they ever stop to think it's not by choice? It makes me feel worst! Life gives people so many expectations! The only thing I really want from life seems the hardest to obtain! I want to be loved by someone who feels the same! I want kids! I dont want to be divorced! But how can that ever be an option if I'm never given the option to love! I would chose it over my career that I love! I would chose it over money! I would chose it over fame! Over anything! I need a connection! I need it more than ever! I don't know what else I can do! When will forever start? Will it ever start?

We all make them, thus we must be understanding!

For a while I got lost! I was caught up in the hustle of everything! I thought it was something I wanted at the time. Instead it brought me to a place where I didn't recognize myself. I wanted to fill a void, but trying to fill the void just left me more empty in the end. I was beginning to be seen as a person I didn't want to be known as. I disrespected people who I really liked and I'm sorry! I guess the important part is that I realized it. Although I am left knowing I hurt some people and others I just made them think I was someone I wasn't. I've been good lately although I still feel a void. I believe a way I can get rid of it but at this point I can't see it being filled anytime soon! I'm worried that moving away will just be a way to run away from my problems. Last night for the second time I saw him at my sisters. I guess he's now friends with my sisters boyfriend! It was so awkward, considering what happen. The first time I saw him there I was caught off guard and I didn't know what to say, and he didn't talk to me so I figured I shouldn't. But then I thought maybe I should so I messages him and he never replied. Seeing him last night made it hard. It wasn't what happened because even though it never happened to me before I was ok with it. But he went on and on and on. He made me feel like a piece of shit. Despite everything I've done, no guy has ever made me feel the way he did last night. We went not talking for a while so when he message me again wanting the same thing, I told him it wouldn't be a good idea and it wouldn't have and I think it hurt him. I didn't mean too. Seeming him makes me think what if. Makes me think that if I gave him another chance we could be together maybe. He's a nice person from what I gathered when I worked with him and when I talked to him, it was just that night. The ball is in his court and it's up to him to make the decision. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Soon enough I'll be far away, hopefully. And hopefully I'll fill the void

It's been a while!

It's been a while since I have posted! Life has been busy! I have finished practicum, started and finished orientation at my new job and I am leaving tomorrow to go write my exam! It's crazy! There are so many emotions I feel right now! I feel bitter sweet about finishing school! I'm scarred to write my exam on Wednesday! I'm worried I will fail! If I fail, sure I can probably work at the alpine but that will mean less pay, and it will delay my plans to go to the states and Vegas possibly and for sure delay moving to Alberta! I am so close to being on step closer to the ultimate career goal! My career is the only thing going right for me lately it feels and it will be really hard for me to Handel a set back there too! Lately, I've been fortunate enough to have good things happening with my career, that I feel selfish and ridiculous to feel as low as I do! This all stem from one reason! Not having/ever having a relationship! How can I miss something I never had? Your probably thinking that, as for I am too! Family great, but lately not only do I feel that void, but they are putting pressure on me too about it! They may not realize they are, or even mean to but when they do it makes me feel even more bad. I want the opportunity of having a boyfriend! I want that special bond! Is that day ever gonna come? I'm trying to be patient, I really am! Being shy does not help at all! I always think that maybe it's gonna be soon, but I'm gradually starting to lose the hope! Besides seeing ordering the cute boy here and there, right now there isn't even anyone I'm interested in. The guy I met on practicum was cute but he has a girlfriend, and the young doctor was eye candy, I didn't even get to see the resident I saw a few months ago. Then there is the one at the hotel, if he's interested in me he has a funny way of showing it! I met him 2-3 years ago! I'm almost positive he saw me just as the younger ones there! I wonder if this summer will be different! I wish we would bond and end up dating! Anything possible in the world and I hope I will be the exception to the rule. Unfortunately he may have a girlfriend! I heard that a little while ago but heard nothing since. Who knows maybe I'll meet a new guy! I just wish my chance would come soon! I've had tinder for a whole but let's face it! It's a joke and dangerous! I haven't had a real conversation on it, no one ever replies and I dot think I will ever meet someone on it! I just want to meet someone the old fashion way! Fingers crossed, love is headed for me very very very soon!

Ugh!

BSB was a good time! Yeah they are a little late but it was fun! Concert was pretty long too! Which is surprising since they have aged a lot. After the concert was good, but then like always I fucked up! I remember all but then end gets choppy! What's wrong with me?! I tried so hard! I feel horrible. I don't ever wanna drink! My sister just MSG me omg! I hope I didn't do anything else! I'm so embarrassed. I don't think I can handle more shit! I'm so worried to MSG her back! Please let it be her just talking about what happened again! Ugh! I need to hear it at some point! Please go easy! This is the reason I barely drink anymore:( it's not worth it!

Days off!

The weekend is coming to an end and it's almost time to get back to my practicum! I had lots of fun this weekend! I got to go out! I didn't overly do it like I have been! I'm getting better! I mean I got drunk a lot towards then end but I remember 90-95% of the night! I didn't make a fool out of myself so I hope! I'm hoping NO one from the hospital saw me out! I don't like mixing work with pleasure, especially when they can be harsh at times. Saturday, I went out for breakfast and went out to see a talent show! So many young kids with incredible singing talents! Reminds me of me and my friend singing karaoke thinking everything is possible! I stayed the night and Sunday I went out for a drive and we had dinner! It was a nice weekend but I am glad I'm back home! Sometimes it's just nice to have time alone! I am excited to get back to work! I want to know how the patients are doing! It is evident that I chose the right career!!

Light at the end of the tunnel!

Practicum had started and the end to this chapter is near! I can't believe it's here! It's been a long two years. I like to believe I'm a better person than I was! I've had my bumps, but things are coming around! Practicum has not been exactly what I thought it would be! My preceptor isn't exactly what I thought she would be! She's better in some ways! Others not so much! I don't do things on my own and it's annoying! I don't think she gets it that I'm able to do these things on my own! I told her that I am but ever time I do something he follows me! I like that we don't have to chart as much! I feel useless at times, and I hate that I'm shy! I wish that I was more talkative! It's my biggest down fall! It out weights my weight problem! I don't know how to over come this! I've tried! I'm still trying! I hope things get better or it will be a long month! Hopefully with a different rotation it will be better!

I don't really like the idea that women have to torture themselves all the time to feel beautiful. I think they should be able to appreciate the way they look and feel without having to subject themselves for countless hours of self immolation for god sakes. Remember what you're worth. Remember your worth fighting for. Remember you're not a punching bag. Remember your not a doormat. Remember you are valuable. Remember you are repairable. Remember you matter. Remember they don't!

Jacob Hoggard

Overflow of memories.

If I had to chose one specific time in my life to go back to, I would chose you! I may have not agreed at the time, but those times were simple. We were so young. I had things to worry about, but it was a different kind of worry. Your family took me in as their own. Your aunt was more of a mom, than my own mother, the five years her and my dad were together. She made me feel loved. She showed me that not all families were like mine, she showed me who I wanted to be. You were like a brother to me. I never had a bond with another boy/man, like the bond we had. The only one that comes close is me and my dads bond! You taught me to have fun, you taught me to be happy. You may not know it but you and your family helped me through the hardest thing I had to go through so far, and it was probably the hardest period in my life I will ever have to go through. So many people thought we were an item. Secretly, I wish we were. Its been a few years since we talked and its hard to believe its been almost 6 years since they broke-up. I still remember exactly what I was doing and where I was when I found out. So much has changed. You would be so proud of me if you knew the whole story of what happened since I stopped coming around. Looking back, even though it was so long ago, I miss how close we use to be. I wished we were together than and honestly, sometimes I wish we were now. Its when I look back at that time of my life. Who knows I could be just thinking it because no one knew me or saw me like you did. Maybe we had something, maybe we didn't. I like to think if things are meant to be than it will happen and eventually we will be reunited once again. Im proud of who you became and I know what ever you do in life, you will do great!

It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness

Liz Murray

Advancements is not always a good thing.

More than often, I find myself believe I live in the wrong era. In the past few decades, technology has changed drastically. There are positives. We have been able to advance medicine, make others aware of issues, communicate and travel to places we never believe we could. Unfortunately, there are the down falls as well. With media bring a lot of issues. It may have been the cause of the reckless downhill spiral. Media has been telling us for years, that its not to be "fat", the thinner the "prettier" causing eating disorders and self-esteem problems to rise. The media also has numerous commercial of advertisement of fatty, unhealthy restaurants but remember they believe being skinny is important. Media also sends a message saying it's "cool" to be promiscuous and it will get you places because sex sells. The media has taught people to have less respect for themselves. It’s sad, and peer pressure does not help. Most often I wish that I was born in an era where technology was limited. Where kids use to play outside for hours at a time, where family time was valued, and men had a lot of respect for woman. Now in today’s society it is very hard. Men complain about not being able to find the right girl yet, if you’re a woman and have slept a dozen people you’re a slut, yet if you don’t put out they don’t want to be with you but yet the higher the number they have, the better. The list of problems the media has caused goes on and on. Ultimately, media is making it harder and harder for people to live in today’s society and be themselves. When is too far, too far? Will things get better? We need to take a stand before it gets worst. If things don’t change, im not looking forward to whats to come.

#technology #wherestherespect #change

The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart, and being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you. It's just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less. So don't buy it! Be smart, be thoughtful and be generous.

Ashton Kutcher

Love is love!

Society makes me sick! Everyone preaches about how originality and being yourself is the most important thing in life, but once someone tries to be their self, people are right there to hurt them, to put them down because they are different. It is sickening. They never forced their views, their opinions, their preferences on anyone else, yet everyone is around them to shove their beliefs down their throats. What makes that ok? Are they really being the better person by pushing on their beliefs and trying to make that person change? The answer is no!

As time passes, we see our generation become more excepting. Unfortunately, we still have many people who have not been so excepting. It makes me sad. Life is short, I am sure that is a statement that everyone can agree on. So, why are we so hard on people. Some people make living so hard for others because they don't agree with that persons life choices. Worst case scenario, it ends with that person believing the only way out is by ending their life. In my opinion, the people who chose to make fun of others because of who they are, are the ones in the wrong.

There are so many examples I could talk about but I have chosen same-sex couples because I recently have watched a documentary that made me really upset. One of the nicest people I have ever met in my life have been gay. They are the last person to judge anyone because they know how it feels first hand. Being made fun of hurts no mater what the person is making fun of you for. It saddens me that today, there are still people who pick on gay people. They are not forcing you to have a relationship with someone of the same sex, they are asking you to accept them for who they are and in return you are forcing your belief of opposite-sex relationship on them! How does that make you the one in the "right" and them in the "wrong"?

Last example would be people with different skin color! Dating back years, people with different color skin would be treated different. As time passes, this is another example of how society is beginning to accept whats different! But like the above example, there are still people who view people with different skin colors poorly. As a child, I use to be the first kid to point out someone who was dark complexted, not because I viewed them bad, but because at the age of 3, I didn't understand why they were so lucky to be born dark skinned. I thought they were so much prettier than I was! To think at the age of three I had that opinion, when kids are suppose to be the ones who have a lot to learn!

When you look at todays society, its the adults that need to learn! Kids are constantly looking up at us and we are constantly teaching them from the right and wrong! We need to take initiative and teach them that its okay to be different! If little kids are unknowingly able to put differences aside and play with each other, why can't we put differences aside and get along with each other!

Chosing the right path!

If you understand that getting the odds of getting to know them on a personal base does that still makes you delusional. I wish I could meet them. Then again im glad I haven't. They have been a part of my life so long that I could not handle the disappointment. They have helped me through things that no one should ever have to go through. I don't think I could handle being with one of them. It be unbelievable hard. How could one be with someone whos reputation is not the slightest clean. Who is surrounded by temptation constantly? Could you do it? I am far from the jealous type! But to be in that situation, it would take a lot of trust, a lot! Can't say I would want it! Many people would say that someone is crazy to turn down fortune, but are they really? If I have learned anything in that last couple of years is that, I wouldn't hesitate to chose my happiness. It may sound clashes but I have already chose happiness once and would do it again. Don't get me wrong, im not trying to say they are horrible people. They may be an exception, it be great if they were. But choosing someone for the wrong reason, wont get you far, it will die quick.

If there is a man I have met and given the chance I would have chose the surgeon over fame. Heck I would chose a teacher I use to say I know over fame. You can have all the money in the world but if your not with the right person you have nothing at all.

In the end, when your time has passed, you may be surrounded by, but you wont be taking money or fortune with you! You will be hopefully surrounded by your loved ones taking your experiences with you and leaving your lessons learned.

Exception to the rule!

For some people it's an obsession, despite what everyone tells them, they believe it will happen! For some, they need to believe to get through life! Others know reality, but wish they will be the exception to the rule! When they stop thinking and least expect it, it happens! I am the others, I wish it would happen, so I think that's what I'd like, I wish I was the exception to the rule, but I know that the chances of that are farther than one in a billion! What if I was the exception and got to get to know him, would it be what I thought I wanted? Would he live up to what my idea of him is? Would he surpass expectations or would he nose dive? We think we know what we would want if the decision was ours to make! Sometimes we were never more wrong in our life! I wish I had the opportunity to make the call! To know what it be like in the situation! I thought sometimes it would, but i was so young and in denial. Or was it real? Was there really something there? I like to believe if it was meant to happen it would! It's how I get through things! Waiting this long for that special someone without ever having anyone wanting me as I wanted them makes believe that it's gonna be worth the wait. I mean I have to! It's selfish! I know there are probably just as many people out there in my situation! But just for once, I wish I was the one everyone is looking at and saying how each other are lucky to have one and other! There have been many times where I've been in the seat looking in! This may make me selfish, but I believe I deserve it! I've made more mistakes than anyone I know, but I've been also trying my hardest to be a better person!Just this once, I wish I was the exception to the rule!

Unknowingly, Unintentionally Changing!

There are so many ways nurses are perceived. They are viewed as, but not limited to; companionate, understanding, attractive, smart people. Before I started school I thought I had everything figured out. I wanted to work at a sick children's hospital, and a senior home was not an option. From the first day of school, unknowingly, it began to change me. I began to notice small changes. I started to become more understanding, sensitive and aware; all through education and experience. As school wraps up, I have come to a decision of my top three dream jobs.

In no order my top three places as an LPN are;

--> Senior home! Elderly people may just be my favorite clients to work with. They are unbelievable funny, Kind, and knowledgeable.

--> OR! The OR is a experience like no other for me. Watching doctors perform surgery is amazing. If I had the patients, ability and knowledge, I would chose to be a surgeon. It's an indescribable, unexplainable feeling.

--> Mental Health! Working with mental health patients would be hard. You create a bond like no other. It can be draining, but the most rewarding. You learn about what they have gone through and what they are going through. You change as a person. You would be surprised how many people are out there, who you think is "normal" but have gone through so much. You learn not to judge. You may be helping them, but they are helping you too, maybe even more. They teach you things that no one else could. The most surprising thing I learned working in mental health is that they are more kind and non judgemental than a lot of people in this world, yet people judge them so much.

I am certain I am in the right field. I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else. This field has changed me so much, for the better. I am grateful. If I can pay it forward and help at least one person, everything would be worth it.

#nursing #changing

Last 7days!

This week has been a crazy week! For the past week I have 1. Unfortunately, although I studied I think I failed another test, oops 2. Found out my practicum placement and although I may not be happy with the choice I've learned to accept it because it's a month out of my life, I can't change it and who knows spending extra time on the floor will maybe change my mind from the previous 2 weeks I spend on clinical there. 3.I won something for the second time in my entire life! Although I already had concert tickets, I won two more! I'm hopping there better seats but I'm also glad I was able give the opportunity of two people to go to the concert who would normally not be able to afford to go, go! 4. I went out for my roommates birthday with friends from school and her friends from her hometown. I'm upset that yet again I made the bad decision of drinking to much! I need to stop this! I was doing so good for a while. This is the reason why I barely ever drink anymore! Idunno what's wrong with me! I get like this a lot lately when I do drink! I turn into someone I don't wanna be! I act like an idiot! I'm only embarrassing myself! From now on, I'm gonna have to limit myself to a bottle of wine or less! I can't be trusted with hard stuff! Because I began to forget! The unknown is what kills me! Now I have to go to school tomorrow, face people I hung out with that night and hope I didn't do something horrifying! I'm sure I'll get bugged a bit, but some people in our class can be mean! We are suppose to be friends and none judgmental, we are becoming nurses and it worries me because a lot of people don't take others feeling into consideration or they exaggerate. I can't handel that! If been sick all weekend over it! I guess the only thing I can do is hope that it's not bad and if I had done something really silly I would have heard of it by now! Most importantly learn from this! I need to act my age! I need to be aware that maybe drinking is not meant for me! Be understanding of other peoples acting as well! Worst part most times, I don't feel the urge to drink, I do because I'm at the age where my friends want to go out and drink and its fun in small moderations! I need to learn how to go downtown without drinking! It's not worth it! Acting embarrassing and not feeling the greatest in the morning for the affects of alcohol and not remembering! This is not for me 5. I helped host a banquet! There may have not been a big turn out but there were some good supporters who came out! I feel bad that a lot of things could have been done different but with trial and error next celebration can be better! 6. Helped a gentleman build his graduation portfolio, meanwhile I was able to get an idea of what I want for my grad photos and get 2 portraits of me, and two portraits of me and my friend, and have fun while doing it all for free! Giving each other a helping hand 7. I reconnected with an old friend, who knows maybe we will be friends again after loosing touch for so long! This week I learned to keep trying, paying it forward is important, consideration for others goes a long way, as a part of growing we need to realize our mistakes and plan on changing so it doesn't reoccur again,it's never to late to get in touch with an old friend!

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