Thoughts
It's been a while and I need to get some thoughts off my chest. I'm trying to prepare myself to tell someone something and I'd like to organise my thoughts in writing first so I can articulate them properly. I'm still not sure if I am going to tell them this, as I can't figure out if what I'm thinking is irrational or something that needs to be addressed. First of all I've always been someone to obsess over little things. I used to have an anxiety disorder so I don't think much of my overactive imagination. Most of the time I forget about things and move on. However there is one thing that keeps reoccurring and I can't figure out if I am crazy for thinking it. Every day I go from thinking it's irrational and I need to forget about it, to thinking this is an important problem which I need to bring up with my partner. So I should probably say what this thing is I'm thinking so much about is - My boyfriend still has a photo with his ex on his Instagram. I know, it's so petty right? I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and he hasn't posted a picture of us once on any of his social media. Normally I wouldn't think twice about anything like that because I don't like sharing relationship details on social media either, but I can't help thinking why he still has this photo of his ex there who he dated for 6 months. Every time I click on his Instagram it makes me think of her. I hate seeming like an obsessive person and I'd prefer to avoid things that lead me to thinking of people's ex's so I stopped using Instagram. There are other reasons why I did this too; I feel like I'm comparing myself to the Instagram fit girls etc, so I prefer to use my time doing more positive activities. So one day, my boyfriend was drunk and sent me a screen shot of his lock screen showing he had received a snapchat from a girl. Long story short, I knew he had been snap chatting this girl and it really upset me. I don't care that he has female friends who he snap chats, but I just don't want to know about it. (I try not to be too uptight about that kind of thing.) I hate to have to defend my actions here, but I must have been having an emotional day because I then went on to block him on Instagram and then deactivate my person Instagram account. Erratic I know. After a week I reactivated my Instagram and he somehow found out that I'd blocked him. He asked me why I did it and I said it was because that girl snap chatting him had upset me. I never said it was because every time I went on his Instagram it totured me to see a photo with him and his ex. She also got him into Taylor Swift music and to this day I cannot listen to Taylor Swift. That's another story... Don't get me wrong, everything is great between me and my broyfriend. Every time I'm with him I forget all about this Instagram thing and it's fine. It's only when I'm by myself that I remember. Part of me thinks maybe this is just a problem with social media. I've had photos of us on my Instagram before and have had an anxiety attack for having a photo on my account when he doesn't. When I deleted them, he asked me why and I said I felt stupid having them when he didn't. I never mentioned his ex and neither did I. So maybe he has forgotten that he even has the photo on his Instagram? The more I think about it, the more I think I'm crazy and that i should find something more productive to do with my time. Sometimes i wonder why I even care because it's how things are in real life that matter, but you can't deny that social media does reflect the lives of many people. There is also a deeper problem with this. I've asked myself what I think he's going to say when I bring this up. Most likely either, do you want me to take that photo down or do you want to put a photo of us up. I want neither. The thing is I am shooting out of my league with him. I can't stand photos being taken of us because it reminds me of how ugly I am compared to him. Maybe that's why I haven't brought it up yet because I'm scared he'll think I'm crazy and leave me. The reason I want to bring this up now is that we are planning on moving in together at the end of the year and I don't want to have any secrets. Still not sure what to do :(
