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On Monday I got out my ukulele for the Being Honest With My Ex live show and played one of the The Worst Songs I've Ever Written, a love song I penned for Peter (my ex-fiancé) back in 2012. This is the face of someone revealing way too much about themselves. If you want to witness some shit like this tonight is your last chance! And if you haven't listened, apparently that's not a problem, according to a bunch of people who came on Monday who'd never listened to the show before! What's more (said in slimed sales voice) there's now two for one tickets, grab em on the door at Bella Union. Doors at 7pm, starts at 7.30pm. Photo by Peter Cahill.

Monday night, the first of the live shows for Being Honest With My Ex (the podcast I do with my ex-fiancé), was one of the most fun and nourishing experiences I've had with my work in a while. Like, fuck it was fun. Here's me talking about wearing ridiculous outfits and then realizing you have to go to a work event and then realizing that you don't know where the key is to the very BDSM collar you're wearing. 😎😎😎 ONE MORE SHOW and it's on Thursday. Link is in my bio or at https://www.bellaunion.com.au/event/1216/ Photo by the incredible human that is Peter Cahill.

This man who naps in my bed: Five years ago this man got up in front of my friends and family and asked me to marry him. Stupidly I said yes (we broke up two years later). Two years ago this man asked me to do a podcast with him. Again, stupidly I said yes (we've now been being publicly brutally honest with each other each week for two years). One year ago this man asked if he should fly to Melbourne to do a live version of said podcast with me. Not so stupidly, I agreed! Next Monday and Thursday the shows are upon us! We've spent the day planning, and it looks like it's going to be a shockingly good time. Come on down if you want to see this man who naps and me talking about how he's about to be a baby daddy and that time I almost got the bottoms of my feet tattooed (another terrible idea on my part). Link in biooooo for tickets :))) or at www.beinghonestwithmyex.com/live

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Playing a lil gig gig tomorrow for @melbwritersfest. Feeling a lil anxiety town cause I haven't played live in a whiiillleee. Also I'll be playing alongside some fierce humans (and that's always a lil "ahhh") @clementine_ford @naytriarchy @thesukimonster @sistazai It's a free one so come on down 8pm at Fed Square on Saturday. 🤗😧😎

80,000 downloads on 10 episodes. Not too bad for a podcast I made in my bedroom. (!!) Thanks all you guys for listening, thinking, tapping your thoughts out through the Internet, writing reviews that make me laugh, and telling your friends and dogs and grandmas and local baristas! PS. I'm giving away my fav art + money book to a couple of folks in the Patreon (details in my previous post). Last chance to enter is TODAY! And you just have to tell me on my last Patreon post what your fav Starving Artist episode is. You can sign up for $1 or more to be in the running at the link in my bio. (If you are in the Patreon, get on it! Only like 15 of you have entered!)

'Tis always good weather for it 🌻🍂🥀🌷 Ps. Shameful, "hey I'm actually doing a thing" - I'm giving away copies of my fav art + money book to Patreon folks. Check my previous posts for detailzzzzz. Love love.

After almost four months of pushing out podcast babies, @starvingartistpod is still at #3 on iTunes Arts, which is well, honestly I have no idea how that is still possible. Currently we're sandwiched between "At Home With..." a podcast by two v famous lifestyle bloggers who have a combined YouTube following of over 800k (and over 110 million views between them), and the new podcast by @abbijacobson of Broad City. Life is a weird ol' thing isn't she? Thank you to everyone who's listened, shared, cried and laughed so far! (And of course special thanks to everyone in the Patreon who helps make the thing get made!) New episode with @steaphanpaton about artistic integrity, resourcefulness and unpacking your money story is ready for your ear holes! 🐥🌻🌞

I usually find birthdays (mine was yesterday) to be one of my most emo days of the year. It's when everything is ever so heightened, and paper thin and on edge. For my last two birthdays I've also done a call out for people to support me on Patreon on the day. I'm lucky that I've made something of an "honesty empire" (as a friend called it on fb) in this here corner of the internet, and so ppl often say nice things when I air my vulnerabilities. But in truth talking about my current weird neuroses is wayyy easier than asking for money. Even though I do @starvingartistpod, (a podcast about art + money), I still find asking for $$$ from listeners / supporters incredibly confronting. Yesterday, whilst I was flitting around my room in a manner my mum would describe as "in a bit of a tizz", I realised that it was probably a bit of an oversight to do something as vulnerable as ask for money on the one day a year that I am, without fail, in Soft Sensitive Kitten Mode. But even though I find it somewhat terrifying, and it makes me feel like I've mainlined pure arabica coffee beans, I've consistently been met with such amazing responses from people. So thank you to everyone who has signed up in the last 24 hrs (and of course, to the ppl who are already in the Patreon, helping me chug along), your support gave this soft sensitive kitten type the soft sensitive pats it needed. (And if you like the cut of my jib and want to help me sculpt that jib so that it's the best jib that's ever been jibbed, you can sign up at the link in my bio). These wise words (from @jonnoxrevanche in the latest issue of @hotchickswithbigbrains) seem very apt today. And while I'm here, one of the recent episodes of @starvingartistpod is with the founder of this mag @bri.e.lee. In it we talk about shopping around your first manuscript, and she is a complete boss. Go check it out, she's charming and intelligent as fuck.

I made up the name Honor Eastly three years ago. I had just released a video of myself in a psych hospital, and it was the first of my things that quite a few ppl had shared. I got connected with folks all over the world and we shared stories about losing ourselves and our ways in different countries and contexts. As is often the theme when I'm having a medium to long stay at the Pit of Existential Dread, my mind was playing out all kinds of "oh fuck" scenarios around career, money, and survival. Or, as I said in the last episode of @starvingartistpod, there was a lot of "Fuck!! How do I make any money and survive?!?" It's kind of a catch-22 merry-go-round of fear at these points, where the genesis of my fear starts and ends with the expense incurred from having it. The fear of not being able to afford to lose my shit - while I am in the process of actively losing it - leaves me totally career desperate. That's when I seriously consider becoming a doctor/lawyer/teacher/psychologist. At the same time though, I'm deeply suspicious that actually following through on any of that would, well, make me want to die more, not less, I'd just be able to afford wanting to die. So, the name, Honor Eastly, actually came from this place. It came from being like "fuck! I have no idea what job / career I'll have/want/need, and I don't want my boss to google me". It was my place, my name, where I could do the kind of shit I really care about, and do it unapologetically, and semi-kind-of, unafraidly. The name has grown and changed, to the point that now a lot of ppl call me Honor, and I call myself Honor, but in my professional work life, ppl mostly know me as SJ. But yesterday a strange thing happened: I got paid to be Honor Eastly. Not as an artist, but as a professional career job person. They want Honor, not squeaky-clean SJ. All the weird shit that I put online that I thought that would make me unemployable has unexpectedly made me more employable, more valuable, more of an asset (albeit in a v niche way). So this is me in a Sydney airport bathroom, after working on developing a youth mental health plan for Sydney. Three years ago me had no idea current me existed.

While I've been a bit quiet on here, I've actually been squirreling away at home, working on some cool shit, and slowly bringing myself out from under the wave that I described last week. I've been getting super nerdy about productivity / planning / workflow approaches. I read this this morn (it's from Getting Things Done by David Allen) and it just solidified something for me: a large part of my general everyday hum of anxiety comes from never really knowing if what I'm doing is what I'm actually *supposed* to be doing. And then it made me realize that yaknow, maybe that is just the essential anxiety? Maybe it's as simple and as terrifying as the constant, unshakeable question: am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? This question can go big: does life have meaning? What is my purpose? Or small: should I be writing this very thing on Instagram? Or should I finish this week's episode? The last week as I've doubled down on planning, goal setting, I've realised that holy fuck (!!) this stuff totally allays so many of my anxieties. The past week I've felt able to y'know, take a break, spend time with friends, gab to my mum, because I have this new, blinking, objective kind of view. It's a break from the up front nitty gritty grind of Every Fucking Thing Every Day, and means I'm able to go "yes I have decided that in the grand scheme of things, I know that seeing this gig, calling my mum, writing this postcard *is* what I'm supposed to be doing, not in a "in the grand scheme of things work doesn't matter" way, but in a "I have looked at it all and I know what matters right now" kind of a way." Fucking phew. Just fuck. Why has it taken me so long to learn this? Why didn't anyone teach me this in the 2 years of psych hospital programs I did? If you're interested, I've been using a hack version of the Self Journal to get myself unstuck (they have a PDF on their website that I printed out), that has been, omg, just, such a change. Also, I realize that I sound way "This Is The Answer" right now. So just, y'know, there is no answer, just lots of small things that work for diff ppl and we all make some fancy collage for our life based on our own idiosyncrasies :)

So turns out I have actually broken my finger, but thankfully not in a way that requires surgery (thank fuck!) I am currently laughing at my own misfortune of late (salmonella poisoning plus my First. Ever. Fracture!) Thank you to everyone who nudged me to get it checked out. I'll be making peace signs like this for the next four weeks ✌️

I fucked up my finger quite badly yesterday and it was an unexpectedly sublime experience. Turns out a heavy load of acute physical pain can sometimes serve to wipe my brain of all the tedious thoughts, and just leave a big empty space for all the vagrant feelings to sally around in. I ended up lying down on the cold concrete, my left index finger pulsing, looking at the grey clouded sky and thinking "why don't I ever just lie down on the ground more? This is nice." I ended up crying, not from pain, but because every now and then I am lucky enough to realize how big and beautiful the sky is (even when it's grey marle), how cold and inviting the ground is (even when it's concrete) and how much capacity there is to find joy in merely feeling (even when the feeling is pain). <3 <3 Ps. Latest episode of @starvingartistpod is a little late because of aforementioned finger situation (see picture), and the typing problems that result.

Remember how I was talking about getting the smartest people I could think of to answer your questions for @starvingartistpod? Well I tried it, and it ended up working so well that I made it into its own 20 minute episode, which is online now at www.starvingartistpodcast.com/listen This time round we're talking about using your face to promote your work, and these three ladies offer up some golden thought nuggets on this one. Actress @caitlinjstasey69 talks about how her selfhood is constructed online and the inherent beauty bias of social media, appearance activist @carlyfindlay discusses her face becoming her brand and dealing with trolls on Reddit, and artist @gorkiegork, who almost never shows her face online, tells us why posting a picture of her face is akin to posting a picture of a pie. Go check it out. It'll be a nice introspective Sunday listen. Link in bio.

Things I have learned today: I would make a cute boi "Woman" is a synonym for "glamour sex alien" Please god no don't ever smile. ☄️ And while I'm here, as a follow on from my post yesterday about being in a bit of a hole: I got my test results back yesterday and after 3 weeks it turns out I have salmonella, and I'm not just lazy, which is genuinely a relief. Going to be another week or two till I'm properly right. If you're still wondering where the next ep of @starvingartistpod is, well you my friend are the shadowing monster of my night terrors. Seriously tho I've decided to go easy on myself (and also add some more voices to the next ep), and it'll be out soon soon <3

I've been a wee bit of a hole lately, well not a hole, maybe an involuntarily entered restful place. I've been sick the past 3 weeks and I think I'm mostly better, I'm at least mostly operational which is nice. But I feel like bottoming out in this way has reset myself, and has given me a chance to realize Just. How. Tired. I. Am. It's made me reassess how I'm going about my life, and really forced me to have a good hard look at how to work more sustainably. It's been great encouragement to do hard things like value myself more, so that I can look after myself better, and in turn move toward doing better work by needing to do less in some areas. So that's nice. But I'm also just, still v tired, and wondering when I'll get back to "full capacity". I'm not used to taking it easier like this, and so my brain is getting confused about how much of it is looking after myself, and how much of it is me being too easy on myself? For the moment I'm sitting with the fact that this is where I'm sitting, and reading bits of @extraordinary_routines to put my brain at ease. This is from her piece on being the worst freelancer, where she quotes Paul Jarvis: "'Sometimes I work eighty-hours a week, and the next I might work eight … the pendulum swings and I don't think it’s a matter of balance, it’s a matter of attention. I like that I can put in a double work week, but I also like that if things don’t need to be done, I don’t have to work even if it’s a Wednesday or a Friday.' It struck me that I was in the trap of applying the flawed 9-5 measures of productivity to freelancing. We all have natural ebbs and flows to our energy, it's just that working for an organisation with set hours and salary means we are somewhat protected from their whims." 💛💛💛 Picture is from a brighter / more erratic time, the week before launching @starvingartistpod, when I got together with @ashleyronning to shoot a cute video. Ashley has been a little guardian angel to me these past few months, offering her ear and coaxing me out of my house to make sure I take a break and eat food. Hold on to those ones people, they are precious and rare beings. ✨💫🌹❤

Still sick and mostly in bed. Fell asleep at my bfs house instead of going home like I meant to and woke up to this note. Ten out of ten. Would date again. (While I'm here - and because sickness has killed my self-promotional capabilities - I'm doing a free talk next Wednesday in Melbourne about art and money and everything I've learned from making @starvingartistpod. If you want to come you just need to register. Link is in my bio. Hope to see you there and I promise I won't cough on you. <3)

Next Wednesday I'm doing a FREE (dw I'm getting paid) talk about art + money in Melbourne. I'll be talking about what's worked for me, and what's not worked, but less in a like "Here's How To Get Rich Way" and more in a like "oh yeah actually why do we devalue our blood, sweat and tears in this way? And how to we move towards making a sustainable life for ourselves where we're not working 24/7?" I'm kind of nervous because I definitely don't have all the answers, but I also know that I've learned a lot in the past year (through both my creative career and my normie career) about valuing myself and my time, learning to negotiate, and getting realer about my finances. So it should be a mix of practical "I use this thing and it is good" and "hey here's a concept that really helped me". If you want to come you just need to register at the link in my bio. It's free, but there's limited tickets, so get in quick! And because sometimes these conversations are scary and it's always good to have a creative friend on deck to discuss financial fears with over a beer afterward, tag your creative rock person here so you can hold each others' hand together. Photo by the amazing @whetwitch from the @starvingartistpod Season One launch party :)

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