AKAâââââ± you made a comment without thinking, something you never thought would be taken seriously. jay's friends take it seriously, and sunghoon decides he deserves to be the first challenger.
pt. ii of THRILL [pt. iii | pt. iv]
pairing | jay Ă reader Ă sunghoon
genre: smut | wc: 2.7k | content: smut, oral (f & m receiving), fingering, tit groping, use of petnames (baby, princess, pretty girl, hoonie), a lot of fucking dirty talk, jay and sunghoon lowkey talk abt reader like she's an object but she fws it, cumming in mouth, cum swallowing, some stuff could be read as mxm
mcwilla.log: guys theres a scene in here... i dont have a fetish... i just stop thinking when i write... but yeah, i decided to do one part w each member! i have a (spontaneous) taglist of people who asked for a part 2, so if you would like to be added or removed from it as this miniseries continues, lmk; you can comment, send in an ask, or dm me! as always, likes, comments, and reblogs are appreciated <33
‿ requests & asks are: open
Sometimes, you now realize, it's better to keep your mouth shut than say anything at all.
Because what on Earth were you thinking? Offering yourself up to your boyfriend'sâextremely hotâfriends may have not been your smartest decision. You've told Jay time and time again to never take anything you say seriously for at least thirty minutes after he fucks you.
Yeah, his dick is that fucking good.
But now you're on your bed, legs spread wide with your boyfriend sitting behind you. His arms are hooked under your armpits, supporting your body as you press your back into his chest with every soft flick of Sunghoon's tongue over your clit. Yes, Sunghoon's tongue.
You can only see the top of his head; only see the floppy mop of hair that brushes along your inner thigh every time he tilts his head to get a better angle. Your back arches up off of Jay's chest, a whine ripping out of your throat when Sunghoon flattens his tongue and licks a particularly long stripe up your pussy.
"Fuck!"
Jay chuckles behind you, kissing your neck as he strokes your stomach. "Feels good, baby?" You nod feverishly against him, craning your neck to burry your face into his chest. "Sunghoon making your pussy feel good?"
Sunghoon's lips find your clit, latching on and suckling the swollen bud. You whine again, thighs threatening to close around his head. "Hoonieâmpfh, there, there!"
Never, in your entire life, did you believe you'd find anyone who could compare to Jay's ability to eat you out. The man had it down to a science; knew exactly where to lick, where to kiss, where to suck and prod. He knew when to speed up his movements, when to flatten his tongue, when you needed more stimulation from his fingers. Every single time, like clockwork, Jay had you writhing and squirming and begging him to keep going, even after you'd come twice, because it just felt that good.
And here comes Sunghoonâthreatening to kick Jay off his throne. He was eating you out like you would seriously be his last meal on Earth; like he'd go home to no food, no money, and would be forced to starve for the rest of his life. He was ravaging you, completely abusing your pussy. And Sunghoon knew it was good. He knew you were obsessed from the way you thrashed in Jay's arms and the way you tried to pull away from his mouth.
Sunghoon chuckles against your core, vibrations traveling from your puffy lips up to the growing heat in your stomach. You moan, high-pitched and squeaky. Jay kept up his kissing, offering little nips here and there when you move too much.
"Almost there, baby," he whispers into you, "let Hoonie do his thing."
And let him you did. Because not even two seconds later are you cumming all over Sunghoon's face. He doesn't relent, simply keeping up his pace. Sunghoon flattens his tongue, licking thick and slow stripes up your pussy, gathering your arousal onto his tongue before scarfing it down. You twitch from the overstimulation, and he places delicate kisses onto your clit.
Sunghoon never meets your eyes, too entranced by your soaking pussy to pay your pouty face any mind. It twitched when he pulled away, hole clenching around nothingâbegging Sunghoon for any kind of pressure. He chuckles, kissing your clit again. Sunghoon's tongue darts out from his mouth, playing with the bud before licking another stripe along your entrance.
"Fuck, Jay," he groans, going in for more, "she tastes so fucking good."
Jay laughs behind you, cocky and arrogant because he knew. Every damn night he was having the revelation Sunghoon was currently having; every night he could bury his face into your pussy and make you cum on his face; every night he could bury his fingers deep inside of you, pulling them out of your hole and into his mouth as he sucked them clean of your arousal. He knew you tasted like fucking heaven, but his friends didn't.
This was all a part of his sick fantasy.
"I know, manâI'm the one tasting her every night."
"And you're so damn lucky for it." Sunghoon finally lifts his eyes to meet your own. Your eyes are glassy and hooded, the aftereffects of the mind blowing head he'd just given you.
You take note of his eyes as he did yours. Contrary to your own, Sunghoon's eyes were wide, pupils blown out with pleasure and curiosity. Because, honestly, Sunghoon was curious. He was curious to know every small detail about you, sexually, of course.
He wanted to know what made you cum hardest, what elicited the cutest sounds out of you, what made you cry, what made you beg, how his name would sound falling off your lips mid-orgasmâeverything. Sunghoon was fully prepared to memorize the way you worked for his own wet dreams later on.
"What I wouldn't do to taste her every day," he whispers, kissing your thigh. You whine at the contact, twitching lightly.
"Don't test your luck, Hoon," Jay warns, a tight laugh accompanying his words.
"Oh, c'mon, man," Sunghoon sits up from his position on the bed and onto his knees between your legs, an obvious wet patch plastered across the crotch of his gray sweatpants; the crotch that flaunted his incredibly hard cock. "I'd suck your dickâserious."
"Gross! I don't want you sucking my dick," Jay's hands make their way up to your breasts, cupping them through your shirt. You weren't wearing a braâyou didn't see the point. Jay gropes your tits over the fabric, squeezing the mounds and pinching your nipples as his lips stay on your saliva-covered neck.
"Well, if it meant I got to do this more often," Sunghoon leans forward, lips connecting to your jaw on the opposite side Jay was working, "I'd suck your dick."
"Why would I need anyone else sucking my dick when I have her?"
Sunghoon moans at Jay's words, cock jumping in his pants. His hands quickly latch onto your waist, pulling you closer to him. He grips the flesh through your shirt, almost kneading you in his hands. "Fuckâwanna feel it."
You feel Sunghoon's cock against your shin, desperately rutting into you with the promise of friction.
"Gotta pick one," Jay says, "you either get to fuck her mouth or fuck her pussyânot both."
"C'mon, Jay," Sunghoon protests, pulling off of you and resting on his heels, "this isn't fair."
"I don't really care about what's fair," he laughs, finally raising his head to look at Sunghoon, "she's my girlfriend."
Sunghoon stares at Jay; Jay stares at Sunghoon. The two have that challenging look to them, daring the other to back down. Neither want to, that's the problem. And you're sitting right in the middle of itâlegs spread wide, pussy soaking and clenching around nothing. Neither of them seem to care, almost as if they'd forgotten your presence as if they weren't literally arguing over you.
"Choose," Jay challenges.
"I can't," Sunghoon groans, throwing his head back in frustration.
You snake your socked foot up Sunghoon's thigh, the sole resting on the tent in Sunghoon's pants. He groans, immediately snapping his attention down to the contact. You circle your ankle once, twice, to give him some relief before retreating back to the bed.
Sunghoon grabs your ankle, thumb rubbing soft circles onto the fabric of your sock as he keeps his gaze focused on you. His eyes narrow, sharp and plotting, like he's running through all of the situations in his mind.
"What do you think, pretty girl?" Sunghoon's voice comes out quietly, almost like he wants the conversation to be between the two of you, no Jay in sight.
Jay pinches your nipple, your back arching off of his chest. "I don't know," you whine, "just want something."
"It's your choice," he leans closer, lips brushing along your jaw. His hand slides from your ankle up to the bend of your knee, settling there. "You want Hoonie's cock in your mouth," he pecks your lips with his own, "or your pussy?" Sunghoon cups you in his hand; the simple action alone has you bucking up into him, desperate.
"Mouth," you moan, "wan' you in my mouth, Hoonie."
He chuckles, "Right answer."
Jay gives your tits one last squeeze before pulling his arms out from under you. His hand finds your shoulder blades, holding you steady as he changes his position to be on his knees. Jay towers above you from behind, and Sunghoon rises in front of you.
Sunghoon's clothed dick is practically in your face. You can see the strain; the way the tip leaks precum and the way he's begging to be touched. So, you lean in on all fours. Your lips meet his clothed cock, placing soft pecks onto his tip before your hand comes up to cradle the rest of his length.
Sunghoon hisses at the contact, hand instinctively coming to grab a fistful of hair, "Holy shit," he huffs out. Your kisses turn sloppyâopen mouthed and needy. Sunghoon's eyes widen before returning to their previous hooded nature; he meets Jay's gaze.
"Your fucking girlfriend, dude," he moans, tugging on your hair.
Jay just laughs, palming your ass, hands delving deeper before his fingers find your desperate pussy. "Yeah, she's insane."
You giggle at their praise, ass wiggling back against Jayâa silent request for him to slip his fingers in. Jay tuts, fingers prodding at your puffy lips, collecting your arousal. "This isn't about you, princessâthis is about Sunghoon."
Sunghoon isn't paying attention to a word of what came out of Jay's mouth; his hand hastily dips underneath his waistband and pulls out his cock. When it appears in front of your face, all you can do is stare.
Now, based on how he carries himself, you never assumed Sunghoon was small. However, it still doesn't quell the initial shock you feel when you finally see his dick. It sits proudly in his hand, thick and long, a few noticeable veins trailing up the side. His tip is red and pumping precum.
Sunghoon watches your reaction, pumping his cock as soft groans slip past his lips. "Fuckâ'm gonna cum just from how she's looking at it."
"You're so big, Hoonie," you whisper, chin lifting to meet his eyes. "I don' think I'm gonna be able to take you all."
Jay scoffs behind you, two fingers circling your wet entrance before slipping into your pussy. "C'mon, you can take himâyou take me all the time."
You swallow thickly, leaning forward as you lick a small stripe up Sunghoon's tip, collecting a drop of his precum. Sunghoon's eyes roll back in his head at the contact, hand tightening in your hair.
"He's no bigger than I am, baby," Jay chuckles.
"Fuck you, Jay," Sunghoon moans, head thrown back, "let her suck my fucking cockâdon't need any of your cocky bullshit."
You giggle at Sunghoon's words, his obvious neediness slipping through the sounds. Your breath fans over his tip, and without thinking, he bucks his hips forward, tip pressing against your lips. You part your lips, taking the head of Sunghoon's cock into your mouth. You suckle it, looking into his eyes as you do so.
"It's true, she knows it," Jay curls his fingers inside of you; you moan around Sunghoon's cock.
Sunghoon bucks his hips at the vibrations, burying himself a few inches into your mouth. You let out a shocked squeak, but don't pull off. You simply take the time to adjust to his length.
"Show me, then," Sunghoon lets out a strained laugh, "let her see 'em next to each other."
"Fuck you, dude," Jay pulls his fingers out of you before slamming them back it. You jump at the sudden harshness of his actions, pushing yourself deeper onto Sunghoon's cock. His tip hits the back of your throat; you hollow your cheeks, sucking him deeper. "Not gonna show you my dick."
"Why not?" Sunghoon grunts, hand gripping your hair harder. His free hand cradles your jaw, holding you in place.
"'cause," Jay grunts, fingers picking up the pace inside of you.
You moan around Sunghoon's dick, tears brimming in your eyes as Sunghoon begins to set his own pace for your mouth. His one hand still holds your jaw still while the other fists your hair; you're entirely pliable in his hands. Sunghoon's treating you like a stupid fucktoy, like you're only purpose is to get him off; and you fucking love it.
You sit there, fire blooming deep in your belly while the two men abuse you from either side.
"Shit, your mouth's so good, baby," Sunghoon nearly whines at the way you're sucking him. You rest your tongue on the underside of his cock, feeling his vein with each thrust he gives. All you can do is babble little moans; saliva and precum pooling at the corners of your mouth and dripping down your chin.
You let out a particularly high moan when Jay's fingers find that one spotâthe one deep inside your gummy pussy. Sunghoon bottoms out without warning, pressing you so deep down his cock that your nose brushes his pelvis.
He cums down your throat, not even bothering to pull away from you. You let him, eagerly taking every drop of cum he gives you. You feel your own orgasm wash over you, legs shaking as Jay wraps an arm around your waist to stabilize you. You cum on his fingers, arousal dripping obscenely down his hand and onto his wrist.
"There we go," Jay coos, soothing you through your orgasm.
Sunghoon doesn't let go, not for a few seconds. When he finally releases his grip on your hair, you pull off, a string of saliva and cum connecting your swollen lips to his spent cock. You gasp for air falling back into Jay.
Jay wraps his body around yours, clean hand brushing your hair out of your face as he laughs at your fucked out state.
Sunghoon falls down onto the side of the bed next to you and Jay, head crashing into the pillow as he lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes. "There's no fucking way you're doing this every night."
Jay laughs at his friend, moving you to rest on the bed in between them. Jay throws an arm around your waist, hands snaking under your shirt and stroking the skin beneath. "Jealous?"
"So fucking jealous, man." Sunghoon runs a hand through his hair, letting out another deep breath. "Gonna be thinking about that for yearsâseriously, best fucking blowjob I've ever had."
"It was good?" You croak out, turning your head to look at Sunghoon with big, curious eyes.
"Please tell me you're not actually asking me that."
"She always asks that," Jay groans, kissing your shoulder.
"It was fucking incredible," Sunghoon leans in and kisses the top of your head, softly petting your hair before he pulls away. When he does, he notices Jay's glare. "What?"
"Watch yourself, Hoonie," he mocks, pulling you closer to his body.
"Chillâshe's your girlfriend, I know," Sunghoon shakes his head, huffing out a laugh. Silence envelopes the room for a moment, the three of you existing in the space together. Sunghoon shifts in the bed, the sound of the sheets and blankets rustling interrupting the calm.
"Are you seriously gonna let Jake and Heeseung fuck her?" He asks as if it's the most casual conversation in the world.
Jay shrugs, turning to you. "Do you wanna fuck 'em, baby?"
Your eyes dart between the two men, before you softly curl in on yourself, "I mean," you begin, voice small, "I wouldn't hate it."
Jay laughs at your response, "No need to be shyâI don't get jealous about that."
Sunghoon scoffs and rolls his eyes, muttering something about how Jay is a 'big fat fucking liar'.
"Plus, they all know you're my girlfriend," he finishes, "right, Hoonie?"
AKAâââââ± heeseung still hasnât cashed in his check; what better time to do so than when heâs over playing games with your boyfriend?
pt. iii of THRILL [pt. ii | pt. iv]
pairing | jay Ă reader Ă heeseung
genre: smut | wc: 2.9k | content: smut, threesome, unprotected sex (wrap ts), p in v, cowgirl, tit groping, tit sucking, grinding, clit stimulation, heeseung cums inside (dot dot dot), masturbation (m), jayâs lowkey just a cuck, some mxm?? like heeseung def swings both ways here, sooo much dirty talk, objectification of reader (but she likes it), jayâs just so mean to his friends, swearing
mcwilla.log: sorry guys in my mind heeseung is just like rlly fucking submissive and he can't go a second without whining and being pathetic... plus like... jay's hot so why not shoot ur shot? lol erm... i'm working on pt. 2 of gch and then last night i came up with a NEW fic idea (shocker, ik) so maybe i'll get that out soon. expect a lot of heeseung in the near future, and comment to be added to the taglist for the last part which will be jake! i love you all, have a great week <33
‿ requests & asks are: open
Your boyfriend was hotâthere was no denying it. But after the fourth or fifth round of him and Heeseung barking at each other over a stupid shooter game? Fucking yawn. It got a little bit boring. You were getting antsyâdesperate for even a little bit of attention. Jay was sweet, a hand resting on your thigh in between matches. But it just wasn't enough.
You were a human.
You had needs.
And maybe those needs just so happened to be sitting on the couch, man spreading and whining about whatever-the-fuck, while your boyfriend went to the bathroom. You were bold in every sense of the word; you didn't really give a damn what anyone thought about you. And with permission from your boyfriend?
You were already crawling over to where Heeseung sat on the couch. He was scrolling on his phone, completely in his own world and not at all paying attention to the scheming smirk you had across your lips.
That wasn't until you dramatically sighed, pulled his phone right out of his hands, and settled atop his perfect lap. Heeseung put his hands upâhe refused to touch you, not until Jay said something. Yeah, sure, that whole video debacle had been running rampant through his mind for weeks; you know, the one where you asked all of your boyfriend's friends to fuck you.
Heeseung assumed that's what this was about, but Jay was fucking scary when he got mad; and nothing riled him up more than some uninvited guest coming onto his beloved girlfriend.
"Woah, wha,"
"Do you wanna cash in your check?" You ask, eyes wide and begging for anything. Your hands rest on his abdomen, softly stroking the baggy shirt that covers his skin. You bite your lip softlyâreally playing into the whole needy act.
"Do I wanna what?" Heeseung was already out of breath.
"Cash in your check," you repeat. Your hands snake up to his chest carefully; your eyes dart down to that spot caged in between your thighs. Heeseung was already getting hard. "Sunghoon did a few days ago."
"Sunghoon wha,"
"What the fuck," Jay scoffs, appearing in the doorway to the living room. He wipes his damp hands onto his t-shirt, strolling over to the two of you on the couch. Jay's hand finds the crown of your head, petting you softly. "Seriously, babe? You're so fucking easy."
"You let Sunghoon fuck her?" Heeseung nearly screams, hands flying to your waist when you roll your hips in a particularly torturous way.
Jay shrugs, leaning forward to kiss the top of your head, "I meanâhe didn't fuck her."
"What the fuck is that s'posedâmpfh," you roll your hips again, leaning closer into Heeseung's touch. "S'posed to mean?"
"I give you guys a choice," he responds. Jay stops giving you attention, instead finding the spot next to Heeseung. He leans back against the couch, head tipped up to the ceiling and legs spread wide, showcasing his own growing bulge. "You can either fuck her mouth, or fuck her pussyânot both."
"And what did he choose?" Heeseung's grip on your waist tightens as you continue to moveâsoft, slow, needy. All of his words come out short and through gritted teeth as if he's desperately trying to keep his composure. And, well, he kinda is. Even without actually feeling you, Heeseung can tell just how good of a fuck you'll be.
You dip down into Heeseung, lips finding his neck. He lets out a quiet moan which he quickly bites back.
Jay smirks at his friend, raising his eyebrows in silent recognition. "He chose her mouth."
Heeseung nods, eyebrows furrowing. He pushes you awayâonly slightlyâto watch the movement in between you two. He watches the way your hips slowly grind onto his clothed cock; he watches as his cock springs to life with your every roll; he watches his patience and self-respect slowly dissipate into a horniness he's genuinely never felt before in his life.
You're whining over him, hands fisting his shirt desperately. Jay's hand slides up Heeseung's neck and settles in his hair. He plays with it, waiting for Heeseung to respond to his imaginary question. Heeseung outright moans, head falling back into Jay's hand, turning to look at his friend.
"What do you choose?" Jay whispers, eyes softening at how desperate you've already made Heeseung.
"Fuck," Heeseung groans once more, sucking in a breath through his teeth. "Can she ride me?"
Jay chuckles, "You wanna ride him, baby?"
You nod feverishly, hips stalling as you look to your boyfriend. He turns to Heeseung, flashing him a smirk before he pushes himself off the couch. Jay finds himself behind you, hands atop your breasts as he massages them through your shirt.
"You're lucky," he begins, fingers finding the hem of your shirt, "I didn't let Sunghoon take her shirt offâbut you won't get the full experience unless you see her tits."
Heeseung groans at Jay's words. You lift your arms, whining softly as Jay tugs the fabric over your head; your hands fly right back to Heeseung's chest, fingers digging into his shirt.
Behind you, Jay tuts. He reaches for the clasp of your bra, wasting no time in unbuttoning it and sliding it off of your body. His hands cover Heeseung's on your waist, pulling you up off of him. "C'mon, baby," Jay coos. He kisses your neck softly, eyes locked on Heeseung. "Show him how pretty your tits are."
You start to curl in on yourself, fingers finding the hem of Heeseung's shirt as they nervously play with it. Heeseung is floored; his eyes are wide and mouth agape. He glances up at Jay, silently asking for permission. When Jay nods, Heeseung wastes no time before grabbing your breasts. The mounds find Heeseung's hands delicately as he toys with them, fingers brushing over you nipples to watch you squirm.
"You have no idea how much I think about these," he whispers. Heeseung leans forward and places a soft kiss onto one of your breastsâhe looks up at you with the prettiest eyes you've ever seen.
"I think I have some kind of idea," Jay quips.
Heeseung takes one of your mounds into his mouth, lips wrapping around you carefully as his tongue finds your nipple. He swirls his tongue around the bud, moaning into your flesh as he feels you shake. Your hands fly to his hair, tugging at the strands softly.
"Heeseung," you gasp, hips rocking against his lap. "Jay," you whine, "feels so good."
"Yeah, I know," he coos back at you. Jay's hand finds your hair, softly brushing through it as he watches this whole scene unfold from behind. "You love getting your tits sucked, hm?"
You nod at his words; Heeseung moans.
"Please, Heeseung," you push his foreheadâan attempt to get him off of your chest and looking into your eyes. "'m so," Your lip quivers as you stare at him.
Heeseung looks up at you before turning his attention to Jay. "You're fucking joking," he says, breathless.
Jay just laughs at Heeseung's breathlessness before feigning ignorance. "Wha'dya mean?"
"She's a fucking wet dream, dude," Heeseung throws his head back, grip tightening on your waist as he eggs you to keep grinding down onto him. He squeezes his eyes shut, letting a drawn out moan erupt from his chest. "Fucking shakingâ're you that needy?"
You nod, hands sliding down to palm his cock through his sweatpants. "Please, Heeseung," you whisper, "wanna feel you."
Heeseung just nods at you, eyes lidded. His hands cover your own, coaxing you off of his bulge. His hands fidget with his waistband, finally freeing himself. Heeseung holds his cock in his hand, hissing as he watches the precum dribble out from his tip.
Jay lets out a low whistle, "Wow, Hee," he teases, "look at that." Jay leans down, hooking his chin over your shoulder. He places a kiss on your neck. "You're fucking leaking," he chuckles, turning to you, "guess you're not the only needy one, hm?"
Heeseung whines when you reach out, wrapping your hand around his dick. You pump him a few times, lifting your hips as your hands move to remove your shorts.
"No prep?" Jay teases.
"I don't need it," you mumble as your shorts messily come off.
Jay quirks a brow, scoffing. "No fucking way."
"What?" Heeseung groans. You lean forward, pecking the corner of his mouth as you lift up and line his tip up with your entrance.
"You little,"
"What the fuck are you talking about, man?" Heeseung's hands dig into your waist so hard you're sure you'll have bruises the next morning. He whines, head thrown back as you sink down onto the tip of his leaking cock.
"She fucking fingered herself 'cause she knew you'd be over," he scoffs.
If you thought Heeseung was being loud beforeâthat comment turned the notch up twelve decibels. Jay's comment mixed with you bottoming out on his cock, well, Heeseung was honestly shocked he didn't cum right then and there.
Heeseung keeps his tight grip on you, steadying you where you sit on his pelvis. You watch the deep rise and fall of his chest; the way he lets the breaths be audible and ring out into the living room. His eyes are squeezed shut, but every time they open even a little bit, you notice how they're rolled back.
"Heeseung," you whine, "'m so full."
"Move for him," Jay coaxes. He peppers kisses on your neck, hands covering Heeseung's own. "Let him feel you, yeah?"
You listen to Jay, picking up your hips before slowly lowering back down onto him. You set a steady rhythmâslow and controlled. With every movement, you can feel all of Heeseung. He was around the same size as Sunghoonâalthough Sunghoon was thicker in girth. Neither of them simulated Jay's cock, that you were positive about. You feel the drag of his cock along your walls; feel every vein and throb his length offers.
You're trying to play it cool, trying to make it seem as if this is a normal occurrence, but it's simply not. No matter how many times Jay fucks youâyou'll never get used to his cock, it's just not possible. Heeseung's size fills you up perfectly, but it still takes a while to get used to. The stretch burnsâbut Jay said to move, so you moved.
You pick up the pace when you feel the burn start subside. One of Jay's hands snakes forward, applying pressure onto your clit. You moan your boyfriend's name, head falling forward onto Heeseung's shoulder. "Fuckâright there."
You notice when Heeseung starts to get more comfortableâthe way his hips start to meet yours with thrusts of his own, the way he takes a little bit more control of the whole situation, offering you help and easing some of the pressure off your legs.
"Her pussy's so fuckin' tight, Jay," Heeseung moans. He's entranced by you entirely.
Jay's fingers speed up on your clit, smirking at Heeseung's words. Jay watches Heeseung's faceâevery twitch, every tense of muscle, every reaction to your body.
If you thought you were having trouble keeping it together, then Jay had it ten times worse. He was trying to play the cool, dominant boyfriend who shares his girlfriend with his friendsâhe didn't know it'd turn him on so fucking much. The neglect of his cock was torturous, but he knew he couldn't do anything about it.
The tip of Heeseung's cock hit that spot, and when you moaned particularly loud, Heeseung kept up the pace. He found it again and again, abusing your poor pussy in the effort to get you off. Heeseung's cock mixed with Jay's fingers on your clit had that familiar heat pooling in your belly.
"Heeseung," you moan.
"She's gonna cum, Hee," Jay interrupts, "make it good for her, yeah?"
Heeseung listens to Jayâkeeping his pace steady and continuing to hit that spot in your pussy. "Dude, I can't," he groans, "she's so fucking wetâso warm, shit."
You stop your movements, clenching hard around Heeseung as you cum with a loud whine. Heeseung follows closely behind, dumping his load into you as he groans. "Jayâfuck, 'm sorry."
Heeseung's head lolls back, eyes hooded as they stare you down. They flick down to the place where the two of you meet; he watches as his cum leaks out of you and onto his thighs. His chest rises heavily with each deep breath he inhales, trying to calm down.
"I did not," he pants, "mean to cum inside her."
Jay clicks his tongue, finger slowing down on your clit when he notices you twitch from overstimulation. "Don't worry about it," he lies, trying to shrug it off like he's not absolutely seething at the fact.
You drop from your forehead onto your cheek where you rest on Heeseung's shoulder. You stare at the wall across from you, waiting for the colored dots to disappear from your vision. You reach behind you for your boyfriend, smiling when you feel him grab your hand.
"You good, baby?"
"Mhm," you hum, nodding as you tug him onto the couch next to you and Heeseung. He complies, watching you with careful eyes for any sign of discomfort. Heeseung's hands wrap around your torso, pulling you closer to his body; his cock is still buried inside of you, slowly softening.
Your hand separates itself from Jay's. Slowly, you snake it up his thigh and onto the tent in his pants. Jay quietly hisses, before gently swatting your hand away. "'m fine, pretty."
"But you deserve to cum, Jay," you softly respond.
Jay's heart simply melts at your toneâthe way you always worry about him when, in reality, the only thing he cares about is your pleasure.
"I don't want you to do anythingâpromise." Jay smiles at you, bringing your hand to his lips as he presses a soft kiss to your knuckles.
"Then you do something," Heeseung speaks up. The three of you fall silent, allowing Heeseung's words to marinate in your minds.
"What?" Jay asks, eyebrow quirked.
Heeseung finally turns to look at Jay, "Do something about it." Heeseung's eyes flick down to Jay's crotchâan obvious wet patch displayed across itâand gives him a challenging look. "Get offâto her, to me, to both of us."
Jay hates to admit how his cock jumps at Heeseung's wordsâat the way he suggests it. Jay swallows thickly, scoffing like it's no big deal. And it isn't, not until your hand finds its way back onto his bulge, squeezing his dick.
He moans, but lets you grope him.
"Show us, Jay," you whisper, a cheeky smile spreading across your lips.
Jayâeyebrows knitted together and eyes hoodedâthinks it over. His cock hurts and watching you ride one of his best friends was genuinely one of the hottest things he'd ever seen you do. So, he sucks up his pride, swats your hand away, and watches as his own hand dips below the waistband of his sweats.
Jay hisses at the contact, letting out an open-mouthed 'ah' as he pulls his cock out from its confinements. You and Heeseung shamelessly stare at Jay's cockâlong, girthy, and standing proudly in his hand.
Jay doesn't look at the two of you, he just can't bring himself to. He pumps his cock, once, twice, hissing at every movement of his hand. He's sensitiveâso fucking sensitive. It almost hurts to touch himself, but fuck, does it feel good.
You and Heeseung just watch the whole ordeal; you watch as Jay's hand slides up and down his dick, watch as his chest rises and falls, watch as he desperately tries to keep his composure.
Jay moans, almost whining as he closes his eyes. He throws his head back, squeezing his cock as he shuts his eyes. "Oh, fuck," he draws out, "oh my God."
Heeseung's lips part, a soft breath that could almost be mistaken for a moan slipping past them. He shifts you in his lap, cock slowly springing back to life; you whine when you feel him start to fill you up once more.
"Oh, baby," Jay groans, "fuck, you feel so good."
"Jay, dude," Heeseung whines. He feels his hands getting restless, tightening his grip on your waist.
"Shut up," Jay says, "stop fucking," he's interrupted by a moan, "fucking talking."
You lick your lips, watching as Jay's cock begins to leak more and more. His tip ruthlessly pumps out precum, coating his red dick with the milky, white substance.
"'m almost," Jay's mouth opens wide, jaw tensing at the stretch, "fuck, fuck, fuck."
Jay cums with a whineâsomething guttural and not on purpose. He pumps his fist faster, drawing out a long groan as he empties his load across his hand. Jay doesn't stop until his cock softens, falling slack in his grip.
He takes a moment to breathe, turning to look at the two of you.
Heeseung's eyes are blown-out and hooded; your face is red and breath unsteady.
"Jay," Heeseung croaks out, "I think we might have a slight problem."
Jay groans in frustration, squeezing his eyes shut to quell the cloudiness hazing his mind.
"You're not fucking her again," he breathes, "go jerk off or s'mthing."
AKAâââââ± you ask jay to fuck you hard and he does; while he records for his friends, of course.
pt. i of THRILL [pt. ii | pt. iii | pt, iv]
pairing | jay Ă reader
genre: smut | wc: 3.7k | content: smut, unprotected sex (p in v; wrap it before you tap it), fingering, brief oral (f receiving), spanking, pussy slapping, rough sex, consensual recording of sex, doggy style, hair pulling, cervix kissing, lowkey cock shaming? (i just be writing anything), squirting, jay cum's on the readers ass, brief use of daddy, mentions of other partners, aftercare mentioned
mcwilla.log: merry christmas..? i've been on a writing kick so this may or may not be my last post until the holidays - we'll see. thank you so much for the love on my last fic, it genuinely warms my heart more than you all know. next fic will either be the ni-ki req or the start of a heeseung miniseries (teehee). likes, reblogs, and comments appreciated; as always, thank you for supporting my work!
The sweat pooled between your back and Jayâs chest wouldâve been disgusting in any instance other than this one. With both of your clothes discarded somewhere on the floor and his chest pressed flush against your back, you, quite frankly, didnât give a flying fuck about anything else.
Jay hovered over you; his arms parallel to your face as he fiddled with his phone on the windowsill. You just sat there, patient as ever and admiring your boyfriend on the camera. You tried to sit still, but, fuck it, you were horny. Goddamn that gorgeous man.
This was almost routine at this pointâJay recording you. He was protective and easily provoked with fits of jealousy, so it was contradictory. Wouldnât someone so hellbent on making sure everyone knew you were his want to keep your sex life a secret? Well, sure, in a sense. It wasnât like he was posting these videos for the worldânot at all. He was just sending them to his groupchat, obviously.
You couldnât remember the first time this happened, but for some reason, it didnât bother you. You werenât stupid. You noticed Heeseungâs wandering eyes that always landed on your chest, you werenât oblivious when it came to Sunghoon trying to show off his gym progress, and there was no way Jake wasnât even a little bit conscious when heâd drape his body over your own at the bar. But the weirdest part? Jay never cared.
Your boyfriend wouldâve pulled you possessively close and thrown a mean look over his shoulder had it been anyone other than his friends acting like this. Youâd thought about it a lotâwhat the difference was in response, and you finally came up with your conclusion.Â
Jay got off on it.
Jay simply loved knowing his friends were so enamored with you that they probably jerked off to your Instagram account. He loved knowing he was the one that got to fuck youânot them; loved knowing that he was the one splitting you open on his cock, he was the one tasting your delicious pussy, he was the one making you cum and cry and beg for more.Â
And yeah, his friends talked about it. His friends mentioned how hot you were, cornered Jay into giving them details about the sex, everything. Quick comments of, âHow tight is she,â and even, âHow does she look when she cumsâfuck, I bet she sounds so hot.â And you knew, though you pretended you didnât.
So, when one night of disgustingly passionate sex after a night out with Jake and Heeseung eyefucking you was coming to an end, Jay asked if he could record. You said yes, he pressed the button, and after five minutes of slow, sensual strokes, you came around Jay with a loud cry and soft whimpers to accompany your clenches.
âIâm sending this to the guys,â he said as you two started drifting off.
You just laughed in response and said âDo it, I wanna see what they say.â
And after that night, it became routine. Jay didnât always record the two of you, maybe once every few months. But the knowledge that the camera was on and his friends would be watching turned him on more than heâd like to admit. Jay liked to rub it in their faces. He liked to say Iâm the one who gets to fuck her pussy, not you without actually saying it.
Tonight was different; tonight had a purpose.Â
âFuck,â you felt his muscles flex beneath you. You reached up and grabbed Jayâs bicep, a soft moan slipping past your lips; you were getting impatient. âI donât like the angle, itâs pissing me off.â
Jay grabbed the phone from the windowsill and put it in your hands. He adjusted your arms, making sure your face and chest were visible. The only part of himself on camera was his chest and shoulders, but he got cut off at the neck. Jay pressed a few kisses on your neck, wet and open mouthed, as his hands found themselves on your waist. He stroked your skin, soft and lovingly before giving it a quick squeeze.
âWanna press record for me, baby?â He murmured into your neck. You nodded, hands shaking as your fingers found the red button on his phone. Jayâs hands splayed themselves over your stomach, the tips of his fingers dangerously close to your pussy. You were wetâso wetâwith anticipation that the mere suggestion of Jay touching you made you impossibly wetter.
âThey canât see you,â you breathed out.
Jay chuckled. His fingers found your clit as they rubbed soft circles onto the bud. Your back arched up off his chest and a moan fell from your kiss-swollen lips. âItâs okayâthey know whoâs fucking you.âÂ
Jay continued touching you, and you just stared into the camera. You made pouty faces and gave it soft winks and smiles as though you were testing out angles for a selfie or admiring your fresh makeup. Every now and again, when Jay would rub your clit just right, your mouth would fall open or your face would twist with pleasure. Youâd catch it on the screen, and a soft blush would rest across your cheeks with a shy smile across your lips.
âTell them whatâs happening,â Jay whispered. His fingers picked up the pace; you internally cursed him because you knew he did it on purposeâknew he wanted to hear your voice quiver and shake while you addressed his friends.
âUhm,â you began, a shy giggle slipping past you as you moaned. âWha,â you squeezed your eyes shut, âWhadâyou want me to tell them?â
âWhat you told me,â Jayâs voice was low and sensual. You could hear him fine, but the video only picked it up in the distance, although the viewer could hear him clearly. âWhat you want me to do.â
Heat rises to your cheeks at his words. Right. That. âOh,â you bite your lip as Jay picks up his pace again before quickly slowing down. His fingers move along your swollen bud slowly now, large circles that make you shake with want. âI told Jay that,â you hesitate a bit, staring at yourself on the screen with big eyes.
Jay comes into view now, hooking his chin over your shoulder. He admires the two of you on screen and a sly smirk paints his sharp features. Jay licks his lips and chuckles before he latches onto your neck. He nips and sucks your skin, making you jump each time he makes contact with a new area. âCâmon, use your words,â he says, âTell âem what you told meâdonât get shy now.â
You swallow thickly before nodding. âI kinda want him to be,â you hesitate again, your voice growing smaller. âLike, rough with me.âÂ
âLike what?â
A whine slips past you as you purse your lips into a pout. Of course, heâs doing this. Jay likes to act all macho when the cameraâs on, likes to humiliate you because he knows itâs what his friends get off to.Â
âLike, slap me a bit, be a lilâ roughânot too much, though! I donât wanna hurt.â
âYâknow I wonât hurt you, baby.â
You nod again. Your lip is between your teeth once more and you will yourself to keep talking. âFuck me harder than usualâyâknow? I jusâ kinda wonder what it feels like.â
âYeah,â heâs talking to the camera now, âFigured Iâd show you boys what itâs like to throw her around.â A wicked smirk takes over him once more as he removes himself from your neck and focuses on the camera. Jay grabs the phone from you and puts it on the windowsill. He fiddles with it again, obviously unhappy with the angle. Jay clicks his tongue, ultimately deciding itâll do.
The camera shows more now. It shows your completely naked body and how youâre sitting on the bed, back against Jayâs chest and legs open for them to see you dripping. The angle also shows Jayâs fingers back on your pussy. They rub slow circles on your clit once more, and with your hands free you take the opportunity to grab onto Jayâs biceps. Your eyes are screwed shut, mouth hung open as soft pants slip out. Jay kisses your shoulder once, twice, before he removes his hands and brings them to your waist.
Jay scooches back from you and hooks his arms under your armpits. He hoists you up until youâre sitting on your knees before he places his hand on the small of your back. âBend over for me,â he commands, and of course, you comply.
You let Jayâs hand guide you down - face first into the sheets. Your cheek is pressed into the cloth when you feel Jay grab your hands. He binds the two with the fingers of just one of his hands while the other lands a sharp smack across your ass. Immediately, you feel the sting from his hand, yet you still moan. The sound surprises you, but not Jay. No, Jay expected you to like itâhe knows you too well.Â
He holds your wrists behind your back and soothes the red print with his hand. Your thighs clench together, and he notices.Â
âCâmon, donât hide from me,â he coos. Your pussy oozes arousal and you feel Jay drag his finger up your slit. Your hips move on their own, pushing back towards him for some kind of relief. Jay clicks his tongue, gathering the wetness onto his fingers before pulling away.
He leans towards the camera and spreads his fingers apart. The scene is grotesque; your slick strings together as his fingers spread, wetness visibly dripping down their slender form all for the phone to see. Jay makes eye contact with the camera, smirking while he brings his fingers into his mouth. The man laps at themâstarved. He moans and sighs in pleasure, eyes screwed shut as he relishes in your taste.
He pulls away, examining your position. Jay leans forward, licks a thick stripe up your pussy, and lands another sharp slap, this time on your pussy. You twitch and cry out, tears prickling into your eyes.
Jay chuckles before shoving two of his fingers inside of youârough and unapologetic with no warning. He pumps his digits in and out, in and out, at a brutal pace. Thereâs no intention of slowing down or showing you any signs of mercy. The squelchy sounds of your pussy are obsceneâthe sound bouncing off the walls all around the two of you.
âYeah, look at thatâfuck. Youâre sucking them in, baby,â Jay leans forward and kisses your pussy, lips attaching to your clit as he suckles the swollen bud. Your whines join the rest of the absurd sounds, putting on a show for the camera.
Jay curls his fingers perfectly, right at the spot he knows drives you mad. You let out a particularly loud moan, and that seemed to be Jayâs cue. He picks up the pace, slamming his fingers in and out of you, abusing the spongy spot inside of your pussy. The palm of his hand smacks against your ass with every thrust, the sound of skin on skin now loud and obscene.
You clench around him, the whines of his name now accompanied with soft pants. Jay knows youâre getting close, and so without a second thought, he pulls his fingers away. Whimpers fall from your lips, tears coming to your eyes once more at the loss of contact.
âJay,â you cry.
Jay coos at you, sucking his fingers into his mouth and licking them clean. He chuckles at you, almost mocking your state. âItâs okay, baby. Ionâ want you to cum too fast.â
You whine again, pushing your ass back in hopes heâll give you something. Jay responds to your action with a smack, his hand rubbing the red skin as he presses a kiss to it. Jay cups himself through his boxers, palming his erection as he lets out a groan of relief. His cock is already hard and leaking precum, a wet patch on the front of his underwear signaling he canât wait much longer.
He pulls his cock out, pumping himself as he stares at your position. Your hole clenches around nothing, oozing arousal. Jay screws his eyes shut, mouth hung open as he fucks himself with his hand.Â
âOh, fuck,â he hisses when he ceases his motions. Jay scoots closer to you, lining his tip with your hole. You whine at the sudden contact, pushing back against him in hopes of getting him inside you faster. Jay doesnât think twice before spanking you again, this time not offering any comfort.
âFuck, you guys are missing out,â he speaks to the camera, his smirk coming back. âTipâs barely in and sheâs already tight as fuck.â Jay pushes into you about two inches before settling. Youâre tighter than ever. His chest rises and falls as he tries to steady his breathing, but fuck, you feel so good. Itâs all overwhelming, even to him.
Jay settles his hands on your hips, snapping his hips forward as he buries another couple inches into you. You feel so full, and heâs still not even done. Thatâs what you love about your boyfriendâs dick - heâs so big that even half feels like youâre going to fucking die. He hardly ever uses his whole length, but when he does - itâs heaven.
You begin to rock back onto him, a silent signal that youâre ready for him to start. Jay clicks his tongue before letting out a sigh, âPatience, baby.â
You whine at his words, pouting against the sheets. Jay doesnât wait long before giving you what you want, however. Quickly, he starts his thrusts. Rough and fast, not letting up. He brings your hips back to meet his thrusts, your whole body limp and pliable under his magnificent hands.Â
Youâre being fucked like a stupid doll. Back and forth, back and forth, it doesnât stop. The smacks that ring out through the room as your ass bounces off his pelvis are loud, but it only eggs him on. Jay hit the spot that makes you see stars, and you cry out louder than you have tonight.Â
Your hands find purchase in the sheets around you, desperately trying to anchor your body from the damn near abusing pace Jay has set. Soft breaths are punched out of you with every thrust; Jayâs own grunts and groans are raw and full of need.Â
Jay slows his movements down when he fists a handful of your hair. He pulls on it and drags your body up; back flush against his chest as youâre pulled onto your knees. You stare at yourself on camera; nose red and raw, eye makeup smudged with tears, drool collecting around the corners of your mouth. Jay keeps his hold on your hair with one hand and grabs your breast with his other, manhandling the mound of flesh.
âLook at them,â he says to you. You nod at him, eyes remaining focused on his phone. âTell âem how you feel.â
Your lips quiver as you try to find your words, but you simply canât. Your eyes drift down to your pussy visible on the screen - split open on Jayâs cock and dripping in an insane manner. Jay notices, removing his hand from your chest and bringing it to your pussy. He spreads your lips open, showcasing your pretty pussy to his friends.
A possessive smile spreads across his face, âHer pussy looks so good split open like this, huh?â You moan at his touch and words, which just gives him the confidence to keep going. âShe wouldnât look nearly as good on any of you guys, though.â
His fingers find your clit, giving it slow, languid rubs while Jay leans towards your neck. His lips find your sweaty skin, latching on and leaving open mouthed kisses all over. His tongue darts out, licking up a bead of sweat as he enjoys the salty taste.Â
âShe only likes to fuck guys with big dicks, right, babe?â
You let out a laugh of disbelief that quickly morphs into a moan.Â
âAnswer me,â he whispers into your neck.
You nod, âMhm.â
âMhm? Câmon, be a big girl and use your words. I know theyâre in there, somewhere.â
âYe,â youâre interrupted by a moan, âyeah - yes.â
Jay smirks. He releases his grip on your hair, letting you crash down onto the mattress beneath him. Jay resumes his pace. His cock is splitting you openâyou barely had time to adjust before he set the speed.Â
His tip hits the right spot; the place that has your eyes rolling back and toes curling, the place that makes you see stars and has you reaching back to your boyfriend for comfort. Jay notices. Jay keeps fucking you like a stupid doll.
Harder.
Faster.
Messier.
Your ass meets his pelvis time and time again. Loud smacks bounce off the walls, the raw sound of skin on skin colliding is obvious to anyone who dares to hear what the two of you are doing. Jay loves it. Jay gets off on it.Â
You feel his ego growing by the second; every clench of your pussy and twitch of his cock a signal that heâs coming close to letting go. You are too.
You feel the familiar feeling deep inside your gut. The heat is rising; your stomach is suddenly heavy and youâre way too aware of everything happening. Youâre aware of every drag of Jayâs cockâaware of every vein caressing your gummy walls.Â
Your moans increase in volume, Jayâs name spilling out of your lips. The entire scene looks and sounds like some kind of cheap porno performance, and youâd think so too if you werenât actively living it.
âFuck, baby,â Jay moans above you. His jaw is slack, eyes screwed shut.Â
âJ,â you can barely finish his name at the pace heâs fucking you. âJayâIâm gonna,â
âFuck, me too baby.â
Something inside you snaps at that moment. Immediately, your body goes slack, brain goes numb, vision gets foggy. You cum more intensely than you ever have. Your juices squirt out of you, arousal coating Jayâs cock and thighs and pelvis. Heâs simply dripping with youâall for his friends to see on the other end.
Jay doesnât stop when you cum - he keeps fucking you with that raw, brutal pace heâs had set for the night. A low groan comes from deep within Jayâs chest. He feels your walls clench around him from the overstimulation.
âShitâyouâre so hot. Iâm gonnaâfuck,â
Jay pulls out of you in one swift motion. He angles himself above your ass, shooting ropes of his milky cum all over your red ass cheeks. Jay continues to pump his cock, milking himself until heâs emptied his entire load onto you.
You sit there, cheek still pressed into the mattress with tears running down your face, panting and desperately trying to catch your breath. You feel Jay press himself against you as he grabs the camera from the windowsill. He flips it, showing your cum-covered ass off to his friends.
âLook at her,â he says, fingers collecting his cum. He briefly shows the wetness of his thighs, laughing as he coos at your fucked out state. Jay presses his palm to your back, pressuring you to lay flat down onto your stomach. You comply, simply because you donât have enough strength in your entire body to resist your boyfriend.Â
Jay hovers over you, camera shoved in your face as he shows you off to the audience. He brings his fingers to your lips, beckoning you to open them before he shoves his fingers into your mouth. You lap at them wildly, sucking the cum off his fingers until theyâre clean.
Jay just laughs at you, âYeah, show âem how needy you are for daddyâs cum.â
You moan around his fingers, eyes rolling back at his words. You pull off his fingers with a loud pop. Jay grabs your jaw, forcing you to face the camera. A cheeky smile spreads across your face; your tongue poking out with remnants of his cum before you pull it back into your mouth and swallow the rest of it.
Youâre a messâa beautiful fucking mess. Your hairâs all tousled and in your face, sticking to the damp skin adorned with tears and smudged mascara.
âMm,â you moan, "tastes good, daddy. I wanâ more.â
Jay kisses the top of your head. âHow was that, babygirl?â
You nod, nuzzling into Jayâs harsh grip on your jaw. âGood.â
âDonât tell meâtell them.â
You open your hooded eyes wider, watching yourself on screen. âSunghoonâit was really good,â you swallow your breaths for a moment, âyou wanna join us next time?â
Jay lets out a low whistle, speaking up off camera, âYouâre gonna leave Jake and Heeseung out?â
You laugh and bite your lip, âI didnât say that. Jakey and Heeseung can join, jusâ thought Sunghoon would want to the most.â
Jay clicks the red button, ending the recording before he tosses his phone onto the comforter. He smoothes his hands over your body, a sudden sense of gentleness following his movements. You feel his weight leave the bed and you lay there, waiting for Jay to return.
When he does, he has a bottle of water and a wet washcloth. Jay doesnât even let you attempt to move, just shushes you as he carefully wipes you down and finds your long-forgotten clothes on the floor.Â
âAre you okayâfor real?â
You nod and giggle at his sudden soft disposition, âYes, Jay. Iâm fine,â you reach out for your boyfriend, âcâmere.â
He accepts your spent invitation, settling directly on top of you as you huff out a dramatic breath and mumble something about him being heavy. Jay just mocks you, reaching for his phone. He spends some time on it, splitting the video into chunks small enough to send to his friends. Jay kisses your head and your cheek and anywhere else accessible to him; he simply refuses to leave you without affection.
Jay sends the clips to his groupchat, one by one until almost the whole encounter is in the hands of Jake, Sunghoon, and Heeseung. He tosses his phone onto the bed, settling on top of you while he continues peppering you with kisses.
Barely two minutes later, Jayâs phone buzzesâfive, six, seven times. It keeps buzzing, but Jay just laughs into your hair.
âSounds like they like it,â he mumbles into you, âI hope you werenât lying about letting them join.â
Despite spending almost all of your formative years day dreaming what it would be like to be away from home, how the outside world would feel fresh and new and beautiful, you werenât fully prepared for just how different it could possibly be.
It hadnât been long now since youâd left, evident by Jakeâs lip still cracking and bleeding every time he managed to smile too wide.
Still, he was managing far better than you and you were almost a little jealous considering his ability to socialize and adapt to your surroundings every new place you ended up in.
Taking now as a prime example as you observed your surroundings with a slight frown on your face. You were sat in an old diner with lights that made a low buzzing noise and windows fogged up by the cold that settled in with the night. Your hands were nervously playing with the paper from your straw, anxiously ripping it into smaller and smaller pieces so you had something to keep you occupied.
Jake was a few feet away, sat on a stool at the bar and leaning over it with a bright smile on his face, chatting animatedly with the older women behind the counter and shoving his finger against the map out in front of him every few seconds as he was trying to understand the directions she was helping him with.
You thought it was interesting how much he seemed to fit in out here.
The town you were currently in wasnât far from where youâd grown up but it was almost triple in size, actual buildings and businesses just outside the diner and small crowds of people wandering around in suits and modern clothing. It felt like a new world and your head was hurting from the constant buzz of noise and movements.
All your life youâd longed for something interesting, for any moment to catch your attention long enough to help you forget where you were and now you finally had a steady stream of these distractions and you didnât quite know what to do with them.
You looked back up towards Jake and saw him already watching you, a worried expression on his bruised face that slowly melted into a smile as he gave you an encouraging thumbs up.
Your lips curled up slightly and you gave him a small nod of approval back.
Despite your constant worrying and doubt about leaving home, or more literally running away from home, the one thing you hadnât second thought was who you were doing it with.
Feeling an ice cold hand placed on your arm, you whipped your body around in defense and laid with your back pressed firmly against the mud, hands raised in preparation to fight off whoever had approached you in the field.
You dropped your hands with a cry when you saw it was just Jake standing over you, his eyes wide in fear and hands raised in surrender and an attempt to soothe your sudden panic. He relaxed at the sight of your relieved eyes but then immediately tensed up again when you started to sob.
You sat up to look at him closer, cupping his injured face in your shaking hands and frowning deeply.
Heâd never seen you this vulnerable or lost and he felt a deep pit settle into his stomach at the way you shook your head in denial and cried looking at him. He wasnât quite sure what the full extent of his injuries were but he imagined they couldnât be pleasant judging by your extreme reaction.
âWe have to go.â He was whispering and you kept shaking your head, looking at him in confusion and caressing his face with your cold thumbs.
âGo where Jake?â You said in bewilderment, looking around the area you were in and shrugging. âWe have no where to go, and nothing with us.â
He was kneeling down into the mud so he could be closer to you, not minding the way it squished and soaked into, what was now, his only pair of jeans.
âYou have me.â His voice was stern and sincere, needing you to trust and understand that what he was saying was the truth. It wasnât safe to stay where you were and youâd have to take your chances elsewhere to avoid what was coming your way.
âThey followed me out of the house.â He was continuing and although you had suspected as much, knowing there was no way he had talked himself out of that situation, your stomach still clenched in fear. âItâll be worse when they find us.â
You werenât sure how it could be worse considering the current state of him. Jakeâs face was swollen and already starting to bruise, his lip busted with blood dripping down onto his sweater.
Despite a few days passing now and healing the most extreme of his injuries, you still cringed at the memory and your face pulled into a grimace as you looked back down at your hands.
âWe get people like you in here all the time.â A sudden voice was snapping you out of your thoughts and your head shot up to see a boy around your age with an apron on his waist. He was standing next to your table and looking over at Jake, the same way you were.
âExcuse me?â Your tone was harsh and he glanced at you for a second before sliding into the booth across from you.
âHey, relax. I didnât mean anything bad.â His voice was hushed and casual, spiking irritation in you. You wondered if this is how all teenage boys spoke in the real world. âThatâs my mom over there. We live above the diner.â
He lifted a hand over his shoulder to point at the woman Jake was talking to, who apparently was the owner on top of being a waitress. You looked back at the boy and your eyes went to his name tag.
âBob?â You questioned him with a raised eyebrow and he let out a laugh at your deadpan expression.
âItâs actually Heeseung.â He explained and when you looked more confused he continued. âBobâs sick so Iâm filling in.â
You didnât say anything after that, just humming in understanding and avoiding looking at him. You were mentally willing that Jake would hurry back so he could take over the social interaction.
âI really didnât meant to offend you. I just meant that we see kids from the villages all the time.â He was speaking in a kinder tone now but you looked back up in surprise at his words.
âYou can tell?â You whispered and leaned forward with your elbows on the table, looking around slightly in panic. It was already alarming enough to think you were radiating runaway vibes but it also didnât help to think about all the kids before you that had ended up at this same place.
âNot really.â He rushed to assure and his big eyes widened in alarm at your sudden change of demeanor. âI just heard your boyfriend asking about the bus stop.â
You nodded at his explanation, relaxing slightly at his words but being a bit awkward at the label he had applied to Jake. He seemed to notice and his eyebrow quirked up.
âNot boyfriend then.â You couldnât tell what his tone was implying but you furrowed your eyebrows into a glare and watched him carefully.
Thankfully Jake was finally heading over then, you could see him approaching from over Heeseungâs shoulder and he froze for a second when he realized you werenât sitting alone anymore.
Heeseung was sat where heâd been sitting so he slid into the seat next to you, pressing close so your thighs and shoulders were touching each other. He didnât look too worried at the sudden appearance of the boy despite your own hesitance.
âIâm Jake.â He greeted casually and he stuck his hand out across the table. Heeseung looked down at it for a second in surprise and you suddenly realized how aged the two of you might seem compared to normal teenagers. Still, the strange boy shook Jakeâs hand happily and smiled across the table.
âNice to meet you dude.â He grinned and looked over at you, making you realize you hadnât offered your name to him at any point. You mumbled it and he nodded appreciatively.
âHis mom, the owner, said they have a place for kids who leave the neighboring towns to stay overnight.â Jake was speaking in a calm tone from next to you and you glanced over at him with widened eyes.
Despite your annoyance with the boy across from you, it suddenly made sense why he had approached you in the first place.
âShe told me all about the bus stops like we needed but I figured itâd be good to have somewhere to sleep for a few days that wasnât a bench.â He looked nervous as he spoke like he was worried youâd scold him for making his own version of a plan.
Heeseung on the other hand looked awkward for other reasons, the mention of your homelessness saddening him.
âThat sounds great Jake.â You smiled warmly at him, eyes tired as you placed a reassuring hand on his bouncing knee. âThank you.â
âMy mom lets people who stay with us work in the diner if theyâd like.â Heeseung was talking again, more sheepish this time. âYou donât have to but sheâll pay you, then youâll be able to travel easier.â
For the first time since leaving home you felt a small surge of hope as the two boys spoke and you almost welled up in tears at the kindness you were experiencing. You felt happy that other people like you and Jake had found this place and you felt sadness that some might not have.
You harbored these thoughts for the rest of the evening, even after Heeseungâs mom was done with her shift and flipping off the open sign on the diner window. She ushered the three of you into a back hallway with a warm smile and you followed in contemplative silence down it and up the staircase at the end, giving Jake small nods every time he glanced back to make sure you were okay.
The apartment wasnât large but it was nice and home like, comfortable seatings in every corner and pots and pans sprawled about the kitchen like theyâd left in a hurry after breakfast.
She showed you that the couch pulled into a springy bed for you and Jake to sleep on and you almost smiled at the slight blush that brought to his cheeks. She gave you a knowing glance and you faltered away from her gaze.
You were making the bed with the blankets sheâd lent you, Jake and Heeseung off in his room after he excitedly exclaimed he had something to show Jake that he just couldnât miss out on.
âAre you settling in okay?â Ms. Leeâs voice was startling you and you looked up at her from where she stood in the doorway, adorned in pajamas and a robe.
You briefly considered the fact youâd never once seen your own mother in such a casual state, although there was hundreds of obvious differences between the two.
Not fully trusting yourself to speak still, you nodded your head at her appreciatively and smoothed out the final blanket you had just laid down.
âCome here and Iâll make you some hot chocolate.â She was instructing kindly and you awkwardly followed her a few feet away into the connected kitchen, sitting down at the small table as she started to rummage through the cupboards. âIâm sure this must all be so overwhelming.â
âA bit.â You answered her after a few seconds of hesitation, your voice quiet and not quite sounding like yourself.
âYouâve made it this far.â She was continuing and you cocked your head at her although she wasnât facing you and couldnât see. She seemed to anticipate your reaction however and went on to explain. âLeaving is the hardest part.â
âWhen did you leave?â
She was turning around in surprise at your question but she didnât look upset or offended that you had somehow managed to realize she also was from one of the villages. After her look of surprise faded away she gave you a small proud smile and sat at the table across from you.
âAll these years Iâve been doing this and youâre the first person to figure me out.â She had a small teasing tone and you managed to smile at her.
â19 years ago I left.â She said it slowly like she was waiting for you to piece it together and you did immediately, parting your lips in surprise.
Your eyes shot to the fridge briefly, seeing photos of her and a small baby then more of the two of them as Heeseung continued to grow and she continued to age.
âI fell inlove,â She began hesitantly, like she hadnât spoken it aloud before. âAnd then I found out I was pregnant. I could only hide it for so long of course and by the time they found out it was too late. But my father told me I would have the baby and then theyâd give him away, weâd never tell anybody.â
You were nodding as she spoke, watching her as she stood up again at the sound of the water filter stopping and she began to pour your drinks while continuing her story.
âI said okay, of course. I was young and didnât think there was anywhere to go but then I saw him.â She shrugged with a sad laugh and paused in her motions, taking a second to breathe. âI held him for three seconds before they took him away but that was all I needed.â
When she turned back towards you she gave you a smile and you returned it, graciously accepting the warm mug she was handing you as she sat back down.
She didnât continue and you didnât ask her any questions or pry for more specifics, details on how she managed to get out with Heeseung. You imagined that was where the story got ugly for most people, including yourself.
You thought back to the bruises on Jakeâs face and body and you wondered what she thought when she saw him. Did it phase her or did most runaways come through looking how he did, or maybe even worse off. How many kids got to this point and then turned around, accepting the fate of returning home?
Echoes of Jakeâs voice carried down the hallway, his laughter and teasing tone as he joked back and forth with Heeseung and you felt yourself tear up at how carefree and happy he sounded.
You werenât sure heâd ever felt like that before but even worse, if he would again for a long time.
âYou should go and check on him.â Ms. Lee was whispering and patting your hand, a knowing look on her face when you glanced up at her with wet eyes. You nodded and went to stand up before hesitating.
âThank you.â You whispered back to her with full sincerity, voice cracking around the word and she didnât reply verbally, giving you a smile and a nod.
Your heart was pounding as you walked down the hallway. There was only two doors at the end and one of them was open with bright lights pouring out so you assumed that was the one they were currently in. When you turned the corner into the doorway, you froze for a few seconds.
The boys were sat on Heeseungâs carpeted floor with something in between them, laughing so hard their breaths were catching in their throats and you watched Jake give him a playful shove on the shoulder at something the other boy was saying.
Heeseungâs room was basically a cluster of all sorts of games and media, things you didnât recognize but you could imagine were well known considering the sheer amount of merchandise he had.
You could see colorful superheroâs and toy cars, a bookshelf overflowing with books and more little knick knacks. You thought back to your room, grey and barren other than the bible on your nightstand and your stomach turned.
Then Heeseungâs eyes were bouncing up towards you and he faltered as he noticed your sudden appearance. âOh hey.â
Jake was looking over his shoulder in confusion and his smile dropped when he saw you, eyebrows furrowing in worry as he stood from the carpet and approached you in a hurry. His hands went to your crossed arms, holding you delicately and peering down at you.
âWhatâs wrong?â He whispered and you shook your head, confused when you realized you were crying.
You tried to tell him that it was nothing and reassure him he could go back to hanging out with Heeseung, who was cautiously watching the two of you, but your voice made no noise so you just parted your mouth in muted silence.
Jake was frowning and petting your hair gently. âHey letâs finish up tomorrow.â
You felt guilty as you heard Heeseung agree and bid the two of you goodnight, only getting worse when Jake started to lead you down the hallway and back out into the living room with gentle hands.
Ms. Lee was already out of the kitchen and the mugs were cleaned up, small circles of left over hot chocolate residue being the only evidence of your talk.
Jake helped you into bed and pulled the covers over you before walking around to the other side and crawling in next to you. He tugged his sweater off, leaving him in a white t-shirt, and laid down on his side so he could face you.
âWhat happened?â He whispered and you let out a small sob, laying on your back so you didnât have to look at him. âY/N, what happened?â
âI donât know.â You whispered and you genuinely meant it. You werenât sure when or why youâd started to cry, before this week it was extremely rare youâd get to such a point of emotion. âHow are you so good at this?â
He let out a soft laugh and you glanced at him finally, frowning at his gentle expression and shifting your body so you could be closer to him.
âAre you kidding? This is terrifying.â He was scooting forward with you, pressed against your side now and whispering next to your ear.
You smiled through your tears at his statement, rolling on your side so you could face him better. You cupped his face when you turned, thumb rubbing softly over his bruise cheek.
âDoesnât hurt anymore.â He whispered and you nodded softly despite not fully believing him. You saw the way he tongued at the cut on his lip and winced every time he got dressed in the morning. You couldnât believe somebody could ever want to hurt a person like Jake.
Even now as you leaned up to kiss him, you could hear the slight hiss of pain at the feeling of your lips pressed onto his. He ignored it and surged forward into you, happily accepting the pain that came along with being close to you again.
You hadnât had any down time since leaving, sometimes holding hands while you waited at bus stops or pecking him goodnight before you curled into each other and slept close to remain warm.
But kissing him now felt different in the same ways it felt familiar and you leaned into him again desperately at the sudden comfort that washed over you. Despite the absolute mess of a week you were having and your entire life being flipped upside down, Jake was here and he understood exactly what you felt.
Heâd come with you instead of taking his punishment and staying home. It wasnât safe there but neither was what you were doing, living from place to place with no steady food source or warm bed to sleep in as the winter approached rapidly.
Yet he was still here with you and still doing things that were strange and confusing for him. Just like you, Jake had never had to work, never taken a bus or been in a city with more than 700 people. He was waking up each day and holding more conversations than heâd had his entire life and trying to figure out the safest option for the both of you.
You wanted him to understand you were beyond thankful for him and everything he was doing although you had a habit of falling short on words.
One of his hands went to your hair, keeping you pressed against him and you felt a small spark of satisfaction in your stomach at the reminder of who exactly you were kissing. Less than two weeks ago he hadnât even been able to hold your hand and now he was frantically keeping you tugged against him.
Your hands went around his back and you bunched up his thin shirt in a tight fist, shuffling even closer to him as you took a deep breath and kept kissing.
He was sitting up just a bit so he could lean over you and you heard a soft whine escape his throat as he tried to deepen the kiss. You stopped and tapped him on his back which caused him to immediately pull away with a frown.
âWe canât baby.â You shook your head and his frown deepened. You felt his hand that was in your hair twitch like he was going to instinctively curl it up before remembering itâs placement.
âI can keep quiet.â His voice had taken a soft pleading tone and you felt him lowering himself again, although this time he was half way on top of your body. He leaned back in to kiss you and you accepted habitually.
This kiss was deep from the start, your heads turning and pulling each other in with a fever that only time could bring. You let yourself lick into his mouth just to hear his soft little gasp before pulling back again.
âPlease.â He was whispering into your mouth before you could reject him again and your resolve faltered slightly.
You hummed as you considered your current situation and what he was asking. Heeseung and his mom were quite a bit away, all the way out of the living and kitchen and down the long hallway. But the apartment was still small and you were guest.
âWhat do you want baby?â You questioned him gently, touching his face again and he immediately was pushing against your hand and letting out a shaky breath.
âPlease.â He didnât say anything else for a second and you almost told him to word it clearly before you realized he was completely lowering himself now so you could feel him against you.
Your mouth parted in understanding at the hardness that was now pressed against your stomach and he flushed bright red, hiding his face in your neck in a familiar position. Your hand that was still on his back, gripping his shirt, rubbed it softly and he groaned in embarrassment.
For a moment you wanted to tease him, make him feel more humiliated for getting hard after barely kissing you. But then he was picking up his head with red cheeks and anticipation in his eyes and you couldnât help yourself from leaning into him.
He made a small surprised noise at the sudden kiss but happily accepted it.
Your hand went under his shirt to continue rubbing his back and you were suddenly reminded how rare it was you actually felt each others skin. Not to mention youâd only ever seen him without pants, always remaining fully dressed.
He seemed to be having a similar line of thoughts because he was impatiently reaching down in an attempt to tug his shirt off, stopping when you swatted at his hands.
You didnât want to be in too damning of a position in case Ms. Lee decided she needed a late night glass of water, and you were content with the feeling of his warm skin under your hand as you rubbed his back.
Jake let out a little whine however at your refusal and you licked into his mouth as an apology, knowing he liked that part of kissing the most.
This was evident by the way he immediately bucked against your hip, a soft gasp coming out of his mouth again as he started to hump against you slowly. You lifted your leg slightly so you could push his body over, centering him so he was grinding with you directly and not just your hip.
âYouâre so cute.â You mumbled into the kiss when his whole body twitched at the switch of position, freezing for a moment at the feeling. âYouâd let me have you right here, wouldnât you?â
He was nodding quickly and pulling back to look at you more clearly, trying to determine if you were serious with hooded eyes and swollen lips. The smile on your face told him you were just teasing and he groaned.
âWe canât baby Iâm sorry.â You were mock pouting at him and caressing his bruised cheek. âWhat if Heeseung heard?â
He froze at the mention of the other teenage boy and you were intrigued by his extreme reaction. Youâd just been explaining casually but he seemed to have already considered this judging by the way he awkwardly avoided your gaze now.
At first you wondered if he was jealous at the idea of it, curious if he had a possessive side to him at all. But then you were shifting underneath him and you suddenly realized he was throbbing as he was pressed against you, his face flushed with embarrassment.
âWould you like that?â You whispered and he winced, still not looking at you. âYou want him to hear?â
He didnât say anything but you knew you were right, he was just too ashamed to admit. Maybe he wasnât able to read your tone and was worried that was a line you didnât want to cross, a bad thing to suggest.
You attempted to reassure him silently by rubbing his back again and shifted your hips so he would lower himself onto you once more, guiding him by doing that until he was finally moving again. He took a stuttered breath as he continued to grind against you.
âWould you let him touch me or just watch?â You were suddenly whispering and he looked flustered at the fact you were bringing it up again.
âN-no touching.â He sounded pained at the thought and you almost laughed, answering your previous question about possessiveness.
You hummed and kissed him again and he happily accepted. Your leg was coming up to wrap around his waist so he was pressing against you more and you almost let out a sound of your own at the feeling. For a moment you considered indulging his earlier request and letting him touch you.
âOnly you can touch me right?â He was nodding and kissing against your mouth desperately as you spoke, making it difficult to get the words out. âBut he can watch.â
He paused again to look at you, breathing hard as he kept rubbing himself against you and trying to hold in his noises. He glanced down the hallway towards Heeseungâs room and another wave of interest washed over you. You werenât sure if it was being watched that he liked or specifically by his new friend.
âYou like him?â You whispered in question, pushing his shirt up off his back and waiting for him to get the hint and pull it over his head. You wanted to sit back and look at him now that he was shirtless but you kept eye contact as you waited for him to answer.
He shrugged and blushed. âNo, I donât know. He called you pretty earlier and it made me think.â
âDo you think Iâm pretty?â You quirked up an eyebrow and he nodded immediately, eyes shooting down to your lips briefly.
âSo pretty.â His voice was a whisper like he hadnât even meant to say it and you smiled at him and the way he was looking around at all the features on your face. He had stopped moving against you to look at you but neither of you noticed. âI just wanted to like⊠I donât know.â
âShow him that you got me?â You tried to finish his sentence since he obviously had no clue how to describe the thoughts he was having and he looked relieved as you put it into words, nodding his head and leaning back down so he could kiss you again.
The kiss was slower and more sweet, taking little breaks and drinking in being close to each other. Your hand on his back moving suddenly reminded you that he was shirtless and you paused.
He watched you in confusion when you pulled back from the kiss, tugging the blankets up slightly so you could get a better look at him on top of you.
You knew Jake was fit considering his wide build and legs, assuming his dad had put him to some type of labored work back at his village, but it didnât make it any less surprising to see all of his chest and stomach bare and pressed against you.
âGod youâre pretty too.â You groaned softly and he looked a little unnerved at you using that word, still adjusting to losing his faith. He quickly forgot about it as you spoke again. âI want you to fuck me so bad.â
A deep whine escaped his throat and he dropped his head into your neck again, biting against it to stop himself from crying out as he started to hump you again.
âDo you remember how wet I felt on your fingers?â You were panting as he rocked against you, throbbing in your sweatpants and desperately holding onto his back. âWant you to think about your cock inside me.â
He let out a soft cry into your ear and started to buck into you harder, you were clenching around nothing at the feeling of him, wishing so desperately you were alone so you could finally show him what it felt like to actually feel you.
âItâs so tight and warm Jake.â You kept whispering in his ear despite the fact it was riling him up too much, his noises getting far too loud for the quiet room you were in. âYou wonât last two seconds, my poor baby.â
He was suddenly kissing you in an attempt to shut you up and simultaneously mute his own sounds, the thought of stopping because of an interruption making him feel sick to his stomach. Heâd never needed you so desperately and your countless attempts to provoke him werenât helping.
You were surprised at his sudden bold actions but accepted it happily, a small knowing smile on your lips and you kissed him back.
He kept fucking into you, so desperate for relief that he didnât even realize you clawing against his back, the stinging of your nails hidden underneath the pure pleasure rushing through his veins. You were licking into his mouth desperately and he felt a surge of pride at the fact you were as needy as he always felt.
It wasnât long after that before he was coming undone on top of you, biting onto your collarbone in an attempt to hold back his deep moans that were barely muffled against your hot skin.
He was collapsing on top of you and you nearly cried out at the sudden loss of contact, tapping his back desperately and waiting for him to pick his head back up and look at you in concern.
âTouch me.â You urged and he looked frightened and confused before nodding and waiting for you to guide him. You took his large hand in yours and pushed it down under the covers, gliding over your panting stomach and into your pants where he was met with your wet and aching core.
He gasped softly and looked at you with wide eyes, not quite understanding why you were suddenly on board with being touched. You realized quickly Jake didnât understand what it meant for you to cum too, only just doing it for the first time for himself some weeks ago.
You rocked your hips against his hand and he shifted so he could access you more comfortably, laying on his side as he nervously pressed his hand firmly against you.
Humming in approval, you gripped his wrist and helped him move it properly, letting out small whines at the feeling of his thumb on your clit like it had been back in the field. Your free hand was touching him as he laid next to you, rubbing his stomach and chest and drinking in all the bare skin.
He was addicting to touch and be touched by and you wished again, for the dozenth time that night that you were in the position for him to take you fully.
âPut one inside me.â You were gasping out and he looked thrown off by the request, shaking his head softly and watching you in bewilderment. He wasnât sure what you were exactly referring to but you shifted your hips and spread your legs a bit more so he could feel you and understand.
His mouth was parting in shock as his fingertip was now pressing against your hole and you waited for him to meet your gaze, nodding your head in confirmation.
He trusted you blindly and slowly pressed a finger into you, gasping softly at the feeling of it while you did the same. You always knew his hands were particularly large but you werenât prepared for how heavy and thick theyâd feel on you.
âOh fuck.â You muttered out and he froze, waiting to see if it was a good exclamation or a negative one. The roll of your hips let him know which and he kept pressing into you, leaning forward so he could kiss you during.
âBe quiet.â He whispered against your lips and another flash of heat passed over you at the command. His voice was genuine when he said it but the slight change of his demeanor made you feel crazy.
You let yourself be slightly distracted by the kiss as he kept pressing his finger into you and moving it experimentally, trying not to panic at the loss of control you were experiencing. You needed to remind yourself that your plan to control and ruin Jake was long over and this was a mutual relationship now.
His free hand was going to your hip that was rocking and moving to try and get him to finger you deeper, holding it down against the bed and giving himself more time to touch you and explore the feeling.
âSpit.â You were whispering into his mouth and he pulled back slightly to look at you in confusion before remembering that day back in his bedroom. He was waiting for you to confirm and you nodded desperately, opening your mouth wide and sticking your tongue out for him to fully get the message.
He sat up a bit more, looking hesitant and awkward but he fulfilled your request and let himself spit into your open mouth. He watched with wide curious eyes as it hit your tongue and a low moan rumbled through your chest, leaning up to kiss him again.
Between the constant feverish kissing, him pressing against you so desperately, and now what was happening now, you knew you were close.
Before you could even manage to warn him, you were finishing around his hands and you vaguely heard him make a soft startled sound, freezing like he was worried he had hurt you somehow. You laughed at his concerned expression through your pants as you tried to catch your breath.
âAre you okay?â He was whispering and you laughed again, closing your eyes and nodding.
He laid down flat on his back next to you and you both fell into silence for a few minutes, falling back to reality. You briefly wondered what he was thinking about during the moments after you did something to this extent and you rolled onto your side so you could wrap an arm across his stomach.
âI should get dressed.â He murmured although he made no attempt at moving. His cheeks were red as he took in his half nudity.
âWe need showers.â You scrunched up your nose and he smiled at the expression, only slightly relaxing at your joking tone. âBoys sleep shirtless.â You offered to him.
âNormal boys you mean.â He whispered back after a few seconds of silence and you frowned at him.
âYou are normal Jake.â You shook your head and laid it against his chest. You didnât fully believe your own words but you wanted him to at least hear it. âAnything different about us isnât our fault.â
âHeeseungâs normal.â He was spitting and despite knowing his anger wasnât directed towards you, you were still taken back by his tone. He seemed to realize and he sighed.
You felt guilty that you hadnât realize how much it was bothering him to be around somebody his own age, something who lived a different life.
âNobodyâs normal Jake.â Your tone was stern but not scolding and you felt him take another deep breath. Your hand was resting on his side and taping the warm skin softly. âEverybody has their shit.â
He didnât say anything after that and you let the conversation die, hoping some part of what you said had stuck with him. If you were going to stay here for a few days you didnât want him overthinking the entire time and driving himself crazy with insecurities.
Eventually you felt his breathing slow underneath your cheek as he fell asleep. You nuzzled into his chest contently before quickly following his lead.
ââ
By the time you woke up, Jake was gone and the blankets were pulled up tight around you. You felt panicked for a few seconds, jolting upright with a gasp before your eyes landed on a surprised Heeseung who was stood in the kitchen.
He was frozen in his pajamas, fuzzy pants with a yellow bear printed all over them, holding a bowl of cereal. He had paused mid bite at your sudden movements and you groaned and rubbed your eyes.
âWhere is he?â You murmured, voice groggy with sleep.
He didnât ask for any clarification, automatically knowing who you were referencing. âHe helped my mom open this morning.â
You nodded and didnât say anything else, pulling Jakeâs discarded sweater over your head and climbing out of bed. Heeseung continued to eat his cereal in the kitchen as you moved until he noticed you staring at the couch bed in confusion.
âIâll put it away until tonight.â He assured and you glanced back at him. âGo on and head down.â
You wanted to thank him, maybe engage in conversation about Jake and find a way to let him know your concerns. Despite your lack of trust initially, you had a good feeling about Heeseung and his mom and you imagined heâd be willing to tone it down for Jakeâs adjustment.
Instead of doing any of that, you only managed to hum in appreciate. He smiled at you knowingly and you shyed away from it, heading down the stairs swiftly.
When you made your way down into the diner you were greeted with a few people sat around the shop, one or two families filling up the tables and some singular men at the counter drinking coffee.
You stood in the doorway for a moment when you spotted Jake, watching him swiftly make his way around the area in a white apron. He was smiling at the kids eating as he delivered them a plate full of pancakes, refilling the parents mugs casually after. He looked natural doing something so foreign to him and you felt more pride than jealously this time.
Eventually he noticed you observing him and he gave you a soft smile, flushing bright red after a few seconds like he was remembering parts of last night.
You werenât exactly sure what part he was more embarrassed by but you liked the pink tint to his face.
âDid you want to help him?â Heeseungâs mom was suddenly appearing behind you and you jumped at the sound of her voice, shooting out of the doorway and awkwardly letting her walk pass.
âOh I.. Iâm not sure.â You hesitantly shuffled in place and she glanced at you with a warm look that gave you a weird pit in your stomach.
âI could use some help in the kitchen.â She was putting away something underneath the counter as she spoke but you could tell she was being purposefully casual in her offer, not wanting you to think she was pitying you for your obvious lack of social skills.
Despite the initial urge to scowl at her, to explode with anger at the fact she was offering you something so gentle and kind, you managed to accept.
Three days passed like that, you helping out in the kitchen while Jake (and occasionally Heeseung when he got bored) tended to customers and the register.
At night youâd all eat together, drinking hot chocolate and youâd sit back and smile silently at the way the boys laughed and teased each other. Then you and Jake would tuck into bed and talk about your days, sleeping against his chest like you were two regular people living regular lives.
On the fourth day, you woke up and did the same routine but you knew it was different. The others seemed to notice it too and everybody was unusually silent, moving around each other like it was habit now but not laughing and talking anymore.
You went through the day with the silent knowledge that it would be your last with the Leeâs. Theyâd been beyond generous and you almost denied the amount Ms. Lee was offering you and Jake for the work you were doing.
You knew it was probably more than sheâd pay an actual employee but she pushed it into your hand and cupped them in hers softly while you shook your head with watery eyes.
Heeseung was approaching you before the last shift ended and you tried not to focus in on his shaking hands and furrowed eyebrows. You set down the rag you were wiping the counter with and gave him your full attention.
âIâve been through this enough times to know you guys are leaving.â He was starting in a low voice and you felt a weird turn in your stomach.
You hadnât considered much how many connections he made throughout his life that didnât last. You wondered at what age he started to realize that the people that stayed with them were never going to last, you felt a fondness building at the fact he was still so willing to bond with you and Jake despite this.
âI just wanted to let you know that if things donât work out, or they get too hard out there, you can come back here.â His words were quiet but sincere. You knew Jake was listening in from a few feet away and you saw him hang his head out of the corner of your eye. âYou can always come back here.â
âWe will.â You were whispering back and he looked at you finally. âI promise we will.â
âAnd we will call you whenever we get to where we are going.â Jake was speaking suddenly but Heeseung didnât look surprised at the fact he was listening, just nodding his head.
You were rounding the counter before you even processed your feet were moving, pulling Heeseung in by his shoulder and hugging him tightly. He accepted it immediately, letting out a shuttered breath and patting your back.
You didnât want to cry so you pulled away quickly, letting Jake hug him as soon as you finished.
The day finished up quickly after that and before you even registered what was happening, you and Jake were stood at the bus stop with the Leeâs who offered you a ride last minute. You both had gifted backpacks on your shoulders and your body felt heavier than usual.
Ms. Lee was hugging you goodbye when she whispered in your ear softly. âThe hardest parts over.â
You hesitated as you pulled away from her, giving her a close lipped smile and a nod, knowing if you spoke youâd burst into tears.
Neither of you said anything as you got on the bus, moving in silence as Jake took your bags and placed them in the cubby underneath your seats. He watched you as you sat down next to the window before taking his spot beside you. His hand was coming up to grab yours and you shakily took it, trying to ignore the fact Heeseung was standing outside on the platform as he watched you go.
âAre we doing the right thing?â You eventually whispered to him, a few hours into the drive. His head was laid on your shoulder and for a moment you were worried he had fallen asleep.
âI donât know.â His answer was honest and you were glad, not in the mood for any false hope.
âI imagine we got lucky this time.â His voice was low and you felt his hand come up to rest on your knee. âBut we are going to try our best.â
You hummed in agreement and put your hand on top of his, squeezing it affectionately and shifting so you could rest your head onto his. You were suddenly exhausted and coming to the realization that most of the other passengers were already asleep.
You briefly wondered where they were all heading to, if anybody was feeling as confused and lost as you were or if they knew exactly what to do once they got off the bus.
Most were probably heading home for the holidays, something youâd been trying to avoid thinking about ever since you left despite the cold weather serving as a constant reminder to what time of year it was.
Like always you waited for Jake to fall asleep first, listening for his breaths to shallow out and for his chest to slowly rise and fall. It was, for some reason, easier for you when he drifted off first. Maybe it gave you some time to think about things without the guilt of checking out of conversations or maybe it was just easier for you to focus when you knew he was safe and not going anywhere.
After you were sure he was asleep you slowly managed to follow him into a deep dreamless night.
By the time you woke up, it was still dark outside the bus windows but you could see it slowly lightening as the sun started to rise. People around you were shuffling off exhaustion in their seats and preparing to deboard.
You looked over at Jake to see him already awake, eyes puffy from sleep as he looked out the window with a melancholy expression. You were tapping his arm instinctively and he glanced at you, face widening into a soft smile at your tired expression.
âOnly like ten more minutes he said.â His voice was low but you nodded at him, tugging your sleeves down and preparing to go back out into the cold.
Once you got off the bus you felt a bit disoriented. Your previous stop was bigger than home but definitely manageable, still considered a small town to most people in the world and home like. Now you were definitely branched out and this city was large and bustling like nothing youâd ever seen.
Because the cold bite to the weather, you and Jake had mutually agreed to put some of the money you earned into a long stay hotel.
You felt slightly sick handing over money to the woman behind the check in desk, only worsening when she gave you a curious expression and asked if you wanted one bed or two.
You didnât look back at Jake as you mumbled to her you only needed one, holding onto the straps of your backpack awkwardly for the rest of the interaction and as you made your way down the hallway.
âHome sweet home.â You muttered with a sigh as you propped the door open, tossing your backpack over onto the chair in the corner and sitting on the bed with a bounce. It squeaked underneath you as you jumped slightly and Jake smiled at you.
âItâs not that bad.â He reasoned and you werenât sure if he was serious or just trying to cheer you up.
You laid back onto the bed completely, crawling up so you could be against the pillows and sighing again as your back cracked uncomfortably from the bus ride. Jake was getting the memo and pulling the blinds closed, kicking off his shoes and joining you in the bed.
Your body was feeling slight resistance at the fact you were back in bed so early in the morning but you pushed your routined mind to quiet down as you tried to rest again.
âWhen we wake up I say we go for a celebratory dinner.â Jakeâs tone was hushed but you could tell he was smiling.
You didnât say anything but you laid flat on your back and scooted closer to him. He was laying on his side and watching you with a careful expression, like he was still cautious of your reactions sometimes.
Taking his hand softly, you wrapped it around your stomach so he could hold onto you and you nuzzled into his chest with your side. He looked pleasantly surprised at your sudden incline in affection and squeezed your side appreciatively.
âWe have three weeks here before we need to pay any more. I think we can find work before then.â He was whispering now that you were pressed up against him, his chest vibrating your shoulder as he talked in a low tone.
âSo we are staying here?â You hadnât really considered settling down anywhere for some reason and the thought threw you.
It was like your mind was still thinking this was all temporary, that at the end of this trip youâd return back home and back to your miserable lives.
He was shrugging against you and you glanced at him, seeing his hesitant and awkward expression. You felt guilty that he was still so cautious around you and you wanted to tell him thatâs not what you meant, you werenât trying to scold him for his suggestion.
Instead, words always falling short for you, you leaned down to press him into a kiss.
He was taken back for a few seconds, not at all expecting you to move let alone touch him, but then he was immediately pushing back into you and accepting your sudden kiss. You kissed for a few dozen seconds, slow and innocent until he instinctively squeezed his hand that was around your side.
You pulled back to look at him and his eyes were shooting all around you face, breathing slightly hard as you watched him sink back into that familiar headspace.
âTake your shirt off.â It wasnât worded as a question but you raised your eyebrow so he would understand he could say no, this was his chance to deny you.
Of course he didnât, shooting up immediately and tugging his hoodie and shirt over his head. His fluffy hair was left a mess from his haste to remove them and you glanced down at his chest for a while before saying anything.
Then you were shifting slightly and following suit, pulling your sweater off and trying hard to not flush at the sudden widening of his eyes and mouth. He was looking at you intensely and then looking away like he wasnât sure he was supposed to be seeing you shirtless. You almost laughed at him as his hands started to shake from their place on the bed.
âKiss me.â You instructed and after a few seconds of bewildered hesitance he was following your orders.
Your hands went around his back, his warm skin under your palms getting goosebumps at the feeling of your icy hands. He wasnât touching you at first, hesitating and hovering over parts of your body like heâd burn up if he touched any part of your skin.
Eventually he was resting them on your hips, touching your pant waistline instead of your shirtless top half and you almost scolded him before deciding against it.
You led his body so heâd lay back down with you, placing him on his back and crawling over him so your body was sprawled on his. He groaned slightly into your mouth as you pressed your weight down on top of him and it sent an ache to your core.
Heâd stopped kissing you to try and process the feeling of your bare chest pressed tightly on his and you frowned slightly, kissing his parted lips and trying to get him focused back on you. Slowly but surely he was out of his trance and aggressively connecting your lips again, a hand coming up to your hair as he cupped the back of your head.
âJake.â You gasped into his mouth and he tensed for a few seconds before humming in question. âPlease touch me.â
He was pulling back in confusion, hesitance on his face when he glanced down at your bodies and tried to understand what part of yours you were referring to. You laughed softly at his expression and gestured to your exposed skin as an answer.
His pretty face was flushing bright red as he nodded with a suddenly determined look on his face, you found it cute he was seemingly preparing himself to touch you.
You kissed him again to try and keep his mind off of it for now, letting him push back into you and turn his head slightly so you could kiss deeper and deeper. Jakeâs movements were quick and eager, desperate for you to keep going even when he wasnât quite sure where you were planning to take things during times like this.
His blind trust in you felt good and you felt a sick sense of satisfaction at the knowledge heâd do anything you asked with little to no question.
His big warm hands were touching you finally now, spread against your back in a stiff position as he tried to get used to being with you like this. You could tell he wasnât focusing on kissing anymore and just mindlessly following along as he started to rub your skin with a new found fascination.
âQuit being so cute.â You mumbled against his mouth and he breathed a laugh.
âCanât help it.â He teased back and he was pleased when you chuckled softly, rarely laughing in general let alone at one of his jokes. âI could do this forever.â
His sudden confession stumped you and you tried to not visibly show the affect him saying that had on you, a soft blush rising to your cheeks. He didnât even seem to register what he was saying, mindlessly speaking in a content tone as the two of you laid close together.
âForevers a long time.â You whispered back eventually and you kissed him again briefly, shifting on top of him so he could breathe a little. He wasnât complaining about your weight on him at all, liking the feeling of being underneath you.
âNot nearly long enough if you ask me.â He was blushing too now and you were sure the pair of you looked like any regular couple on vacation, in love with no responsibilities and naive to the world around you.
âDo you mean that?â A wave of insecurity hit you when you asked and he looked at you incredulously, like he couldnât fathom why you wouldnât believe him.
He was kissing your forehead in a manner far sweeter than what you were just doing, a hand leaving your back to brush your hair from your face gently and cup your cheek. It was strange being on the receiving end of movements you normally did to him, tensing slightly as he touched you. âWhy wouldnât I mean that?â
âI donât know.â You shrugged and mumbled although you certainly did have an idea of where your thought process was stemming from. You remembered who he was briefly, the knowledge you could tell him and he wouldnât judge you or get upset resurfacing. âIâm the only one youâve even been with.â
âSo you think I picked you because you were there and taught me stuff?â He whispered in an understanding tone, trying to make sense of what you were implying without being accusatory.
You nodded hesitantly and he frowned, caressing your cheek. It was strange to be so vulnerable for you and you hoped he wasnât too thrown off by your change of demeanor, feeling stupid suddenly for pausing your actions to bring this up.
He was kissing you again, quickly like he was trying to ground you back to reality and you met his gaze.
âIâd choose you no matter the circumstances.â He finally said and your eyes softened at his firm voice that left no room for question. âIf we met 100 years from now I would have chose you.â
âThatâs dramatic.â You smiled down at him and his thumb was wiping high up on your cheekbone, making you realize youâd been teary eyed. âWhat if you were married?â
He pretended to think for a few seconds, raising an eyebrow in contemplation before smiling and flipping you over so he was on top of you now. You were laughing as you turned, a big toothy grin on your face at his antics and he steadied himself over you.
âIf I was married,â He started and you nodded in anticipation, biting your lip to stop from smiling at him. âWell I wouldnât marry anybody but you.â
You groaned at his cop out answer and he leaned down to kiss your nose as it scrunched up. âThatâs cheating, answer like youâre married.â
âTell me what youâd do.â You rolled your eyes as he changed the subject onto you but you still genuinely thought it over, watching him with a careful expression.
He was still leaning over you with a smile on his face, his cheeks slightly red from blushing earlier or maybe the cold. His hair was flopping into his forehead and you briefly wondered if heâd ever worn his hair like this before you met, before you left home.
âIâd only marry you too.â You were whispering and his smile fell slightly as he looked at the serious expression on your face. Then it was coming back and he was attacking your face with his lips causing you to squeal and move around frantically underneath him.
After his attack he was kissing you normally and you took in a deep breath, wrapping your arms around his back and hugging him tight against you.
You kissed like that for a while longer, weirdly slow and sweet unlike every time previously and you felt slightly giddy at the innocence of just wanting to be close to each other despite being the most naked youâd ever been together.
âLetâs go get dinner.â You were saying into a kiss after a bit had passed and he nodded his head, kissing you one more time before sitting up and helping you do the same.
He didnât look at you as you moved from under him and stood beside the bed, trying to find your discarded shirt that got lost somewhere in the covers. You watched him avoid your side of the room with a half smirk, wondering if he had looked at you at all this entire time.
The two of you finished getting dressed, wrapping your scarf tightly around Jakeâs neck before you went, and found your way back outside.
The city was busy and you awkwardly joined into the flow of foot traffic, trying to look casual and not totally out yourself as lost tourist. Eventually you got the hang of the pacing and you locked your arm in Jakeâs, keeping him pulled tight to you so you didnât separate.
You made it a few blocks before you were stopping in front of a random restaurant and you glanced at Jake who had been uncharacteristically silent the entire time. He offered you a soft nod of approval and you squeezed his arm in reassurance, assuming he was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the complete change in atmosphere.
He didnât say anything but he gave you a small smile that didnât quite reach his eyes and the two of you braved it into the restaurant.
He relaxed after you ordered and were able to eat, enjoying a meal and talking about your day and complaining about the travel time like you were regular people who had just gotten home for the holidays. You wondered if anybody sitting around you could overhear, if theyâd be able to tell what youâd been through or piece together the bruises on Jakeâs face.
After you ate you decided not to go back to the hotel just yet, exploring more of the city and stopping to enjoy views and sights youâd never seen before.
âThereâs so many people.â Jake was remarking from the bench you were sitting on. It was on the outskirts of a small park that had a good view of the city and lots of other couples and families were sat around you enjoying the same thing.
âItâs kind of nice right? Nobody is paying any attention to us.â You were fidgeting with your scarf that he was wearing as you spoke and he nodded softly. âMaybe we can call Heeseung tonight.â
He glanced at you with excited eyes and you smiled affectionately at him, patting his cheek softly and avoiding the bruising.
You sat there for a while longer before the cold settled in even more as it got dark, so you stood slowly and pulled him up with you. The two of you made your way back to the hotel and you felt a lot more content than you had when you originally arrived, more familiar with the area and pacing now that youâd had time to explore and take it all in.
When you got back inside and took off your shoes and jackets, Jake was racing to the hotel phone and dialing in the Leeâs number.
He sat there holding his breath as it dialed and you watched him from the bed, knowing when his eyes widened and a bright smile broke out on his face that somebody had picked up on the other side.
You went and took a shower while they talked animatedly and by the time you came out they were still going, although when he caught sight of you draped in towels, Jake was thrusting the phone in your direction with a grin as he awkwardly avoiding looking at you.
âHello?â You hesitantly spoke into the phone, something you werenât quite used to considering the fact you didnât really have anybody you needed to call back home, most people being less than a ten minute bike ride away from you at all times.
âHey Y/N.â Heeseungâs low voice was cracking through the phone speaker and you smiled softly although he couldnât see it. âI just wanted to see how you were doing, I didnât expect you guys to actually call honestly.â
âOf course weâd call.â You shook your head and sat down on the bed next to Jake who tensed slightly because of your bare skin.
âYeah thatâs what Jake said.â He let out a breathy laugh and you could hear him fidgeting with something like he was nervous. âSo um, my mom said that if you wanted and if the trip wasnât too bad maybe you guys could come back here for Christmas?â
You didnât say anything and the phone line went silent, the low buzzing of static being the only noise you could hear other than your heart beating quickly. He cleared his throat on the other side like he was worried you hadnât heard him.
âLike,â Your voice cracked and you felt Jakeâs hand on your knee. âSpend Christmas with you guys?â
âWell yeah but only if you want to and if you found a job by then my mom can help you look for housing in your price range, sheâs really good at that, then you wouldnât need to stay in hotel anymore. Not that thereâs anything wrong with staying in a hotel, Jake said there might even be a pool which is super cool, but you know just so-â
âHeeseung.â You cut him off and he sucked in a deep breath, falling off into a mumble after he realized he had been rambling nonstop. âI think thatâd be really great.â
You felt Jake sway against your side, leaning into you and you gave him a small smile, feeling a lot better now that you had a place to go for the holidays.
Heeseung and you talked for a few minutes longer, Jake listening in from beside you and occasionally adding his own comments as he tiredly rubbed his eyes and yawned a few times. You eventually said goodnight and the two of you promised youâd call again as soon as things were settled, hanging up the phone and crawling back into bed.
âAre you not going to get dressed?â
Jake was mumbling with a small blush on his face and you were shrugging, hearing the pillow crinkle under your movements.
âDo I need to get dressed?â You whispered back, raising an eyebrow in his direction and drinking in the way his eyes shot down to your towel and then back up to your face quickly like he hadnât meant to do it.
He didnât say anything but he was moving over towards you on the bed, climbing over you so he could hover there as he leaned down to kiss you urgently. You laughed against his lips at his sudden movements and you felt him poke your side because of your teasing.
It was easy to forget where you were in that moment, how uncertain things were and how much harder theyâd get once this night was passed and you needed to start getting your life together on your own for the first time. You didnât think about how far you were from home or the consequences of getting caught.
You laid there in bed, kissing a boy who had given up his faith for you and he warmed you even as the snow started to fall just outside the hotel window.
It wasnât like you came out of the womb with horns and a little forked tail.
The nurses didnât scream in terror and your mother didnât faint at the sight of you, it wasnât some grand discovery that anybody could see or anybody could plan for.
You made it through your formative years relatively normal, or at least as normal as you could be considering who your father was. But it wasnât until middle school when you realized how different kids would treat you because of this.
Those were your favorite years you could remember. The half decade before anybody cared, or knew enough to care, what it meant for you to be who you were. Then you were old enough to have consciousness and design your own set of morals, something all the parents in your town dreaded.
Your town was barely that, more so a few neighborhoods sprawled across barren lands with more fields and trees than concrete and signs of the modern world that had seemingly developed everywhere, except for where youâd been born.
Sometimes you wondered if youâd been cursed to stay here forever. It seemed like everybody who was born here, died here, but unlike you they all seemed pretty content with this fact. Proud even, the elders stating the amount of years and generations theyâd own their rusty old homes like it didnât create a nasty pit in your stomach.
Time was frozen and the world had moved on, leaving all 2,000 of you behind to die and birth and die again until eventually the last generation killed themselves off in an act of sympathy, a mercy slaughter.
It was probably immoral to be thinking about your entire town dying whilst in church. But you didnât think much about the implication of having sinful thoughts anywhere, regardless of how many crosses were currently burning stares into your back.
More than 70% of your life was spent inside these four walls, on this exact weathered seat on this same old pew.
See, when turned 12 years old and the kids at school made you aware of the fact your dad was the lead preacher at the only church in town, you figured this made you some sort of royalty.
Not once did you feel the overwhelming holy presence of god that everybody else seemed to be experiencing everyday after school and work when you all settled in together to listen to your fathers teachings.
Youâd sit with a scowl on your face, turning around in the front row pew reserved for the preachers family and youâd observe the people around you. You knew everybody in your town, some more than others, but you always thought people looked different when they prayed.
The nice man who worked at the grocery store looked far more guilty and weathered with his eyes closed and the angry woman two blocks away who yelled at the kids riding their bikes too close to her sprinklers, looked peaceful like she was talking to an old friend.
Your mother would hiss under her breath in an attempt to catch your attention, sending soft pinches to your thighs until youâd begrudgingly turn back in your seat and plop down in your puffy dress, tuning out the sound of your fathers loud voice.
Looking back on it now, your mother seemed to notice the dark parts of you brewing before you even did. The two of you never saw eye to eye and despite the fact you were her only child, much to her dismay considering they tried for years after your birth to have another but to no avail, she never treated you with any sort of motherly warmth or kindness.
Sheâd glare at you from across the dinner table while her and your father conjoined hands and thanked the lord for the meal that your mother had cooked. Youâd started to sit on your hands at dinner when you were 7 years old and what once was a cute misbehaving habit quickly became the warning sign of your future endeavors.
Still, part of being the preachers family was playing an act. So youâd all get up early in the mornings and wordlessly move around the house like the backstage of a play, dressing the part and giving bright smiles to each family that walked through the doorway on Sunday morning.
Your mother would stand behind you with a long stretched out smile, hands on your thin shoulders as she dug her nails down every time she felt you tense up at a greeting.
Then you were 16 and for the first time in your life, you heard her voice the thing youâd always assumed she believed. You stood in the hallway in your nightgown, standing stiff as a board to avoid the creaking wood of your old house, peering around a dimly lit corner to hear your parents conversation more clearly.
âShe hasnât done anything wrong Mary.â Your fathers rough low voice was flowing in your direction, sounding tired and agitated. You could vaguely hear the sounds of his rough hands rubbing over his unshaven scruff in frustration.
âShe will.â Your mother sounded panicked and alert, desperate for him to understand her case. âI canât explain it but she has this darkness in her, Iâve felt it ever since I was pregnant.â
Your breath caught in your throat as they spoke, understanding now they were referring to you. You were only slightly surprised, no grand feelings of fear or betrayal arising.
That nights conversation had ended with your mother in a fit of tears and your father uttering words of reassurance in an attempt to calm her down as you used the sounds of her loud sobs to sneak back to your room, getting under the covers and blowing out the candles by the time your father was opening your door to insure you were in bed.
Heâd stood there for a few minutes, the door cracked with his hand on the knob. Do this day you wondered what he was waiting for. Maybe he was expecting you to talk in your sleep or he was trying to get some sense of the evil your mother was spewing about, but eventually you heard his tired sigh and the door shutting.
Itâd been three years now since that conversation and you still hadnât fully understood the evil your mother was referring to. You didnât believe in god, that much had been clear to you from a very early age but you didnât believe in the devil either.
You didnât feel things maybe you should be feeling, sadness when an elder passed away unexpectedly or happiness when a new baby was born into the community. You didnât feel pain when your mother shot you looks of disgust and you only felt slight jolts of satisfaction when she leapt in fear every time you entered a quiet room.
The seed of evil that was apparently inside of you never bloomed, no matter how much you waited for its arrival.
Until the day the Simâs arrived to town.
It was extremely rare for somebody to move out of your hometown, and youâd been instructed to never speak about the families that left, to let yourself forget their names and faces. Forget any interaction youâd had with them now that they were gone.
But youâd never once contemplated the fact that it was possible to move here willingly. It hadnât occurred to you that somebody would choose this place to live and that theyâd be allowed to stay peacefully, and especially not given a grand welcome.
So you felt yourself uncharacteristically thrown off guard as you found yourself at church on a Saturday, typically your only day you werenât required to be here. Youâd spend these days down by the creek or riding around the abandoned section of town on your bike, trying to find something interesting to see.
As you stood near the stage, where your fathers podium was perfectly centered and polished, greeting the usual faces with a forced smile, your eyes landed on the most interesting sight youâd ever seen.
The Simâs were a direct mirror of your family as they stood in front of you. Only three of them, a tall man giving your father a sturdy handshake and laughing like old friends and a small meek woman who was holding your mothers hand in both of hers, a thankful smile on her face.
Placed directly in front of you was a boy, seemingly your age, shifting back and forth on his feet as he waited for you to initiate any form of greeting.
There was people your age in town, your graduating class held 25 kids and over half of them were girls, daughters that were considered blessings for their special ability to continue on your towns population. Youâd met boys, few handsome but handsome none the less but nobody who looked like the one standing in front of you.
He was taller than you, peering down at you from behind thin framed glasses and about double your width. You imagined you were hidden behind his shoulders to the view of the people stood in line behind him, waiting to greet your family.
His skin was tanned, something that you imagined wouldnât last long considering you werenât sure your town was blessed by the sun at all, almost constantly grey and dreary looking even in the peak of summer.
You took your time observing the boy, not feeling any sense of urgency at the knowledge people were watching and waiting, not even at the fact your mother was stood directly next to you and you could feel her stare on the side of your face. Her loss of attention seemed to make the boys mother nervous and she placed her hands on his shoulders.
âAnd this is our son, Jake.â She was chirping out and you almost wanted to laugh at how desperate she seemed to impress your family. The boy, Jake, was looking at you still for a second before his eyes shot to your mother and he gave her a nervous smile. âHeâs shy at first but heâs a very good boy.â
His eyes flicked back over to yours as she spoke and your mouth quirked up in a small smile, finally sticking out your hand in offering to him.
You felt a strange feeling build up inside you, splattering against your ribs and painting your insides with something deep and powerful. As you held his hand in yours, your eyes caught onto your mothers and you could see the fear crossing over her expression at her own realization.
âHi Jake.â
And the seed bloomed.
ââ
It wasnât more than 30 seconds after your father finished his last word, the remains of it still echoing throughout the room underneath the chorus of âamenâs, that your mother was gripping your arm and dragging you back into his office space.
She closed the door swiftly and you yanked your arm out of her grip with a scowl, staring at her for an explanation about her sudden behavior despite having a slight inkling of what she was about to say to you.
âYou canât.â She spoke vaguely, an angry desperation in her voice like you were a feral dog with a hungry look in its eye.
âWhat are you talking about?â You lowered your agitation, doing your best impression of a confused and fearful daughter. She scoffed at your expression and held a hand to her mouth like she was genuinely amazed at your audacity.
âYou leave that boy alone Y/N, or so help me God.â She was shaking her head at you and you felt a surge of annoyance at her tone, her voice shaky and weak.
You thought she was slightly pathetic. Sheâd spent her entire life treating you like the devil, implying your evil and avoiding you at all cost but the second you finally start to understand her concern and sheâs immediately turned to pleading and bargaining. There was no fun in this for you.
Soft knocks against the door caught her attention and she looked over your shoulder, trying to ignore the fact you were still staring at her and not bothering to turn and face whoever had entered.
âGo home and get dinner started.â Your fathers voice was entering the room now in a hushed whisper, like somebody was still outside behind him. âWe are going to have a welcome meal with the new residents.â
Your mothers eyes shot back in your direction at his words, like she was begging you to remember her previous warning and you offered her a small smirk before turning to face your father with a toothy grin, expression changing now.
âOf course father, whatever you need.â
ââ
Youâd ignored your mothers glare the entire time you worked on dinner together, setting the table casually and changing into a less formal dress that gained a thumbs up of approval from your father.
When the Simâs arrived, you greeted them similarly to how you did at church except your mother made sure to shake Jakeâs hand for a prolonged amount of time so you couldnât, only breaking apart when your father cleared his throat and ushered you all towards the polished dining room.
He took his seat at the head of the table and you briefly wondered what type of man Jakeâs father was. He was larger than your dad, much larger and you noticed a hint of irritation in his face when he took a seat on the side. You imagined he sat similarly to your father at his own house and didnât find great pleasure in the new arrangement.
There was three seats on each side and your mother had rushed to take a middle seat next to you, attempting to block anybody else from being seated beside you.
However your father cleared his throat subtly and sent the both of you a small glare, confused at the fact she hadnât adorned her usual seat next to him. You were sure he realized it would be strange for her to sit a seat away from him, making them look distant or troubled.
She sent you a small angry look but shifted over a space so she was now sat in her usual place, leaning an empty chair between the two of you.
An empty chair that was soon taken by Jake, his mother sending him an encouraging smile and giving him a slight nudge in your direction. You remembered what she said about him being shy, not hiding the fact she was trying to create a friendship between the two of you.
His mothers face angered you more than your own. She was small and weak looking, constantly smiling with wide eyes like she was waiting to drop into a conversation at any time to force a connection, yet she rarely did throughout dinner. For the most part she stayed silent, nodding along obediently every time her husband spoke.
So you kept your attention on the boy for the most part, figuring the adults were too busy kissing eachothers assâs to care about what the two silent teenagers were doing at the end of the table.
You knew he could feel the way you were watching him, sending you small glances out of the side of his eye and shifting uncomfortably in his seat every time he realized you were still looking.
He really was handsome you were deciding. Youâd never really paid attention to boys before, understanding the difference between being attractive and not but it didnât have any affect on you. You liked the slope of his nose and the way his throat bobbed with every nervous gulp he took.
Your father was seemingly noticing your mutual disinterest in the conversation, you watching Jake and him watching his empty plate. âY/N honey, why donât you take Jake to your room and show him some of your notes on our latest teachings.â
Both of your heads turned towards him as he said this, your eyes lighting up with excitement and Jakeâs widening slightly.
âOh..â His mother was starting and you resisted the urge to glare in her direction. âJake isnât⊠heâs never..â
Jakeâs father sent her a sharp look and she snapped her mouth shut immediately, looking away from him. Your excitement only doubled as you realized she wasnât comfortable leaving her son alone with a girl, leading you to believe he never had been before.
âOf course father.â You smiled at him softly, standing and flattening out your dress in a prudish manner. Jake glanced in your direction as you stood, clumsily rising out of his own chair as you headed up the stairs and down the hall to your room.
He followed wordlessly behind, still not speaking even when you stood in the doorway and let him awkwardly squeeze past you so he was stood stiffly in the center of your room. You closed the door behind you and he froze, eyes widening again.
âWhat are you doing?â His voice was high with worry and you realized it was your first time hearing him speak.
âWhat are you talking about?â You played dumb as you observed him, walking backwards until your legs hit your bed and you could sit carefully. He stayed standing as he watched you with confusion and worry.
âMother says not to close doors.â He was shaking his head and it looked like he wanted to go and open it himself. He didnât move however and you leaned back to rest on your hand, cocking your head in his direction.
âDo you always do what mommy says?â You questioned.
His eyebrows furrowed slightly at your condescending tone. Youâd seemed nice enough at church and dinner, not speaking much but polite to your parents whenever you did. He was suddenly worried he had angered you.
âI guess she did say you were a good boy.â You quoted what his mother had said when she introduced him, voice carrying a faint mocking tone as you spoke.
He didnât say anything after you said that, just standing there looking at you like you were some form of animal heâd never seen before. And maybe he hadnât you were beginning to think, his speech was structured and tight like he was reciting lines and you were curious if heâd ever had a conversation with somebody his own age.
Your hand reached over to pat the bed next to you, raising an eyebrow at him and urging him to sit.
He watched you with that same look for a few seconds before looking back at the door like he was contemplating how fast heâd have to bolt out of it before you could sink your claws into him. He seemed to decide it wasnât worth it, crossing the room and sitting down as far away from you as he could possibly get.
âWhereâd you come from?â You didnât plan to say that but the curiosity was driving you crazy, not quite understanding how he could be so sheltered.
âA village not far from here.â He was eventually answering with a soft shrug. He was sat perfectly straight on your bed, posture making him look even taller than he already was considering you were still leaned back on your palm.
You shouldâve figured he was from a village, suddenly understanding why his mother was practically a house wife from the 1800âs and his dad looked relatively similar to a lumberjack.
âNo girls at your village?â You were watching the side of his face as you questioned him, growing slightly agitated that he wasnât looking at you. âJake.â
He turned his face towards you when you addressed him, eyes widening like he was worried you were going to scold him from the sound of your stern call.
âI asked you a question.â When he didnât immediately answer you assumed he hadnât heard you, repeating yourself. âWas there no girls where youâre from?â
He was shaking his head swiftly, looking at his hands and then back towards you. âNone like..â
âNone like me?â You interrupted him as he started to trail off and your lips quirked into a smile. âSo no pretty girls then.â
He frowned as you hummed and nodded your head like youâd made sense of what he was trying to say. He didnât look like even he understood what the things you were saying meant and you almost pitied him as you slowly unlocked the full extent of his naivety.
âYouâve probably never even held hands with a girl right?â You kept your tone sweet despite your intentions.
He looked like he only slightly relaxed at your change of tone, glancing at you as he shook his head as a way to answer your question. He didnât understand why you wanted to know this.
You were sitting back up straight, off your hands, and leaning sideways to get closer to him. He watched you with panicked eyes as you reached down near his lap and took his hand in yours, similarly to how you shook it at the church but the tension in the room was a direct opposite.
He made a strange noise when you touched him, a semi squeak at the suddenness of your contact and you smiled at him, scooting closer so you werenât awkwardly stretching your arm in his direction.
âHow does it feel?â You murmured, fighting the urge to lean against him and whisper in his ear. You didnât want to scare him off just yet.
âI donât think I should be in here.â He was shaking his head as he spoke and staring down at your conjoined hands or maybe the floor past them. They were resting in his lap, the back of your hand on his right thigh.
You frowned softly although he wasnât looking at you, trying to keep up with your act. He seemed to be more pliant earlier when he thought he had upset you. âJake.â
He glanced at you as you said his name, just like he had before, and his gaze looked guilty when he noticed the frown on your face. You squeezed his hand to try to bring his attention back to the fact you were touching him but he shook his head again.
âI really need to go Y/N.â He was still trying to sound polite despite his obvious discomfort and you almost smiled at the innocence of that.
âYou donât want me to touch you?â You let a small whine sink into your tone, really trying to drive home the idea that he was upsetting you and you felt him squeeze your hand absentmindedly.
He didnât reply after you said that and the room fell into a strange silence. Then he was sending a heavy glance in your direction and your mouth parted in realization, understanding his inner monologue by the thick amount of guilt in his expression.
âYou do want me to touch you.â You let your smile show now, not finding any reason to hide it now that he clearly took your bait. He squeezed his eyes shut as you said this and shook his head again, his hair messy now and falling into his face.
âWhatâs wrong Jake?â You were almost cooing at him, your hand sliding out of his and up his wrist, in result the back of your hand going further up his thigh. You kneaded at his wrist bone and he grunted at the almost painful sensation. âItâs just skin.â
He looked at you with a frustrated expression, holding eye contact for a few seconds much to your surprise. You were almost worried he was going to cry. You didnât mind it personally, if anything you were thinking about how pretty heâd look with watery eyes and a red nose, but you imagined it would cause some level of concern with the parents.
So you released your grip on his wrist, taking your hand back and placing it on your own lap. You were still sitting far too close to him but he visibly relaxed at the lack of touch, however slightly confused why you had backed off.
Almost like the world had been paused for the entirety of your conversation and now played again, a soft knock on your door caused you to leap away from him and grab the bible your father insisted was kept on your nightstand at all times.
You were relieved to see his face when the door opened, knowing your mother would have most likely immediately sniff out what youâd been doing. Or at least attempting to do.
Your father looked between the two of you and the large space, nodding in approval when you flashed him a smile and opened to a random page in the book. He didnât seem to notice how tense Jake was or the fact your door had been closed in the first place.
âYour parents are leaving Jake. You can stay a bit longer if you two are having fun.â Your father was saying in a welcoming voice but Jake was hopping off your bed before he even had a chance to finish.
âNo, sir. Thank you but I really should get home and finish unpacking.â He was stumbling over his words and awkwardly shifting in place, waiting for your dad to move out of the doorway so he could make his escape.
Your dad shot you a confused look over Jakeâs shoulder and you gave him a small shrug, fighting the urge to smile.
ââ
Guilt was eating Jake alive the entire ride home. He wasnât quite sure what he had necessarily done wrong, what level of sin he had just committed, but his mother kept shooting him disappointed looks in the mirror.
âWill you stop looking at the boy like that.â His fathers gruff voice was mumbling from the drivers seat and his mom snapped her eyes back to the front window obediently. âItâll be good for him to make a friend.â
âWhat type of girl leads a boy to her bedroom?â He was surprised his mother had spoken again, especially in the harsh tone she was using. She mustâve been angry enough at you and your behavior to forget the fear she held for Jakeâs father.
He felt a bit strange as she said that. You were definitely weird and had made Jake feel something heâd never experienced, and he positively wanted to leave your room as quick as possible but he didnât think you deserved such a mean comment.
He continued to feel strange for the rest of the night.
Jake laid in bed, hours past his usual bed time, and replayed your interaction in his head. Every time he got to the part where you grabbed his wrist in your tight hold, he squeezed his eyes shut and asked god to forgive him.
He could feel his stomach light up when he thought about your hand on his pants and he wanted to dig his nails into the skin as a self punishment for the thoughts brewing in his head, thoughts he had never had before and didnât understand.
Rolling over in his bed, stomach to the mattress, he stuffed his face into his pillow and cried softly until he eventually fell asleep.
ââ
You felt giddy in the church pew the next morning after seeing Jake walk in with his parents. You immediately knew your plan had worked judging by his puffy face and swollen eyes. Heâd clearly gotten no sleep and you could take a strong guess at the reason why.
A sick part of you was ecstatic at the fact you had something to do, something that actually managed to catch your interest.
If all it took to keep Jake up all night was you touching his hand, than you were preparing for more fun than you originally thought.
The morning had gone routinely as you remained in your seat for the entire sermon, not spinning around to try to catch a look at the boy despite the urge constantly in the back of your mind. You didnât focus for a second but you did a solid job pretending until you heard a hushed voice behind you excusing themself.
You snuck a glance back to see Jake passing through his pew with muttered apologies and thanks to the people he was passing, smiling softly at them.
You watched him exit the pew and make his way down the main aisle, no doubt heading towards the bathroom hall since it was the only other part of the building outside of your fathers head office. You let him disappear from your sight and counted to 30 before abruptly standing and following his path before your mother could grab your hand in denial.
By the time you made it to the hall, Jake was exiting the bathroom with damp hands and a few wet strands of hair like he had splashed his face in an attempt to wake up.
His eyes widened when he saw you approaching and he glanced behind him like he was considering disappearing back into the bathroom so you couldnât say anything to him. You smiled at this but didnât move closer to him, leaning against the wall.
âWhat are you doing?â He watched you with careful eyes, not quite sure what you wanted.
You shrugged and furrowed your eyebrows. âWhat are you doing? You look tired, did you not get any sleep?â
He didnât say anything as he looked at you, eyes heavy and guilty again like he was afraid you could read his mind. Unlucky for him, you didnât have to read his mind to know what was happening in it.
âWere you thinking about me?â You pushed forward on his suspicions when he didnât respond to you, tilting your head as you looked at him.
He didnât respond again, letting out a small tired exhale before leaning against the wall opposite of you. The hallway was tensioned despite not being close enough to touch even if you stretched your arm out.
âI was thinking about you.â You suddenly confessed in an attempt to catch his interest or potentially get him to lower his walls enough for a solid conversation. It seemed to work considering his head was snapping up and he was looking at you with wide questioning eyes. âIs thinking a sin?â
He watched you for a few seconds, slightly embarrassed that you had somehow realized what his inner dilemma lead back to.
âYes.â He answered matter of factly and you let out a small laugh.
You observed the way his lips awkwardly quirked up, like he was pleased he made you laugh despite being dead serious in his answer. His smile pulled at his cheeks for a second and you liked the way he nervously wiped his sweaty hands on his pants.
âWhat⊠what were you thinking about?â He squeezed the words out like they were painful after a silence fell between the two of you. You felt a bud of satisfaction at the fact heâd been curious enough to ask.
âTouching you.â You shrugged like it was a casual thing to say, watching his shoulders tense and his mouth part slightly in shock and disapproval.
âMy hand?â You were a bit surprised that he asked a follow up question, voice dropping into a scared whisper like he was worried somebody was eavesdropping, maybe he was worried god could hear him.
You were watching him for a few uncomfortable beats, liking the way his cheeks turned red and he kept looking away from your gaze anxiously. Then you were shaking your head to answer his question, taking a step closer to his side of the hall.
His breath hitched as you kept taking small strides in his direction, taking your time with a loose smile on your face like you were out for a casual walk. You stopped next to him, turning and pressing your back against the wall he was leaned on so your shoulders were pressing together.
You wondered if he was planning to hold his breath the entire time you were touching him this time around, his face reddening even though your skin was separated by multiple pieces of thick fabric.
âWould you let me touch you again?â You leaned over slightly so you were closer to his ear, your chin hovering over his shoulder.
âYou canât.â He was immediately denying your request, stiff and agitated sounding. His voice was tight as he spoke like he was having to force the words out. âPlease donât do this.â
âBecause youâre a good boy right?â You were even closer now, your lips touching the shell of his ear and he was shuddering against you, a frustrated whine in his throat.
He sent a sharp glare in your direction, at least as sharp as his features could get. You thought he looked cute when he was mad at you, eyes brows furrowed and his glasses sliding to the tip of his nose. Despite the way he was looking at you, he made no attempt to push you away or step apart himself.
âI want you to come to my house after church.â You whispered to him and he didnât say anything, for once not shaking his head and just looking at you as you spoke your cruel demands. âIâll tell my dad to talk to your parents about helping you catch up on his teachings.â
He looked amazed at your audacity, to not only lie to your parents but to lie about the lord and the Bible made his stomach turn in disgust.
Still, he almost couldnât help but to lean his shoulder closer to yours and watch you with wide eyes and a parted mouth. He felt almost transfixed by you and your newness, the unique energy you gave off that made his head spin. He nodded his head slowly and watched you smile.
ââ
Youâd waited for your mother to leave the house, a very rare occurrence for her outside of her weekly bingo nights at the recreational center in town, before you poked your head into your fathers office to request he calls the Simâs.
You felt strangely jittery as you waited for them to send Jake over. Surprisingly, the Simâs hadnât moved into a house that far from you and you imagined he could probably ride a bike to your house in less than twenty minutes if the weather ever allowed it, rainy days an almost constant feature around this time of year.
It was only around half an hour before you heard knocks on the front door, followed by the low tone of your fathers voice and eventually the creaking of the steps as somebody made their way up to your bedroom.
Jake seemed thrown off when he saw you, dressed in far more casual clothes than heâd seen you in so far. He also looked momentarily relieved at the fact your door was wide open and you didnât make any move to shut it as he crossed into the threshold of your room.
âHi.â He politely addressed you with a slight bow and wave, avoiding looking at you fully where you sat on the bed. You gave him an incredulous look and sighed before patting the spot next to you.
He looked like he was dreading this but expecting it, only taking a few seconds of hesitation before he was shuffling over and sitting slowly down on your soft bed. You immediately scooted closer to him and grabbed his hand in yours.
His reaction wasnât as intense as last time although he did immediately stiffen and his eyes snapped wide open, but he didnât let out a small shriek at the feeling of your touch like he did yesterday.
âAre you going to let me touch you today?â You kept your voice low and he was suddenly very aware of the fact your door was completely open and your father was just a few feet away downstairs.
He slowly looked over at you, peering up from behind his long eyelashes and you wanted to grab his face with your nails. He looked like a puppy who had just done something naughty, big eyes unmoving from nerves as they darted around your face so he could avoid holding your strong gaze.
âThis isnât right.â He whispered back, eyes pleading as they finally locked onto yours. You almost felt sorry for him as he spoke, obviously so desperate to set you back on the right path in life. âMother said I shouldnât lay a hand on anybody, not even myself.â
You almost smiled as he said this, pleased at the new information he was unknowingly providing you with.
âItâs just skin.â You were reminding him again, slowly leaning against him so your chest was pressed against the side of his arm. His breath hitched at this and he glanced down at your upper body for a second. âYouâve never touched yourself?â
He shook his head immediately, face annoyed like he was offended youâd even suggest he would do such a thing. You liked that even though he was uncomfortable and denying his thoughts towards you, he still wasnât seemingly capable of pushing you away. Heâd still shown up to your house.
âI touch myself.â You were leaning forward more so you could talk into his ear again. A soft whimper left his throat when your lips grazed his skin again but he didnât say anything, like he was waiting for you to continue. âOn this bed, I touch myself every night.â
It was a slight exaggeration. You hadnât really felt a strong need to touch yourself ever, never having a subject of attraction that left you longing enough that youâd roll around in bed late at night thinking about it, squeezing your thighs together in frustration.
But you were transfixed by the way he immediately tensed again, glancing back behind you towards where your pillows were and then immediately shooting forward and falling to the cross hanging on the wall in front of you both.
âItâs just skin.â You repeated to him again and he sucked in a shaky breath as you said it, bringing his guilty pained eyes back to you. You almost cooed at him, clicking your tongue and holding his chin softly. He leaned into the touch like he wasnât meaning to and you wondered how touch starved he must be.
Your hand that wasnât holding his face fell down to his lap, laying flat and still on his thigh as you let him process what you were doing.
He stiffened again and let out a low troubled groan, shaking his head again at himself. You wondered what he was thinking right now, if he was convinced he was heading straight for hell because of his thoughts alone so maybe it didnât matter if he let you touch him. Or maybe he was seconds away from bolting downstairs and telling your father about what youâd been attempting to do.
âThis isnât right.â He was whispering and still trying to shake his head the best he could with your grip on his face. His repetition was starting to bug you, suddenly feeling impatient as he still hadnât taken the bait fully.
âBut it feels so good.â You purred into his ear, turning his head back to look at the cross and scooting closer so you were pressed tightly against his side. The sensation of this mixed with your hand on his leg was overwhelming and he felt slightly suffocated. âI want to show you Jake, let me show you how good it feels.â
He didnât say anything for a few seconds and you considered letting him go, wanting to have him completely might mean waiting some time so you didnât scare him off.
Then he was surprising you and looking back in your direction, your hand falling to his collarbones instead so he could decide what to do with his head. He gave you a soft nod, looking like he immediately regretted it when you wasted no time, pushing your hand forward onto the center of his pants.
He immediately lurched forward with a loud groan at the feeling of your hand on him and you shushed him softly, using the hand on his face to bring him back up to a sitting position and pet his face lovingly.
âYou have to be quiet Jake.â You whispered in his ear and nodded towards your open door. He looked at you with a desperate glance, like he was pleading for you to close it despite his upset at that yesterday. You shook your head softly. âCan you be a good boy Jake?â
You started to slowly knead your hand against him, wanting to smile at the fact he was already hard before you had touched him. Light teasing and your soft hand on his thigh already had him bothered.
He was making small noises and you kept his face turned in your direction with your hold back on his jaw. You were sitting up straighter than him so he was a bit below you, having to look up through his eyelashes as he surprisingly held eye contact with you.
âDoesnât it feel good?â You murmured excitedly, eyes wild and eager. He didnât reply verbally, another small whine slipping from his throat and you pressed down hard on his cock through his pants. âI asked a question.â
Now he was nodding desperately, hands reaching out to grip your wrist in an attempt to lessen the pressure you were applying to him. âGood- feels good.â
His voice was strained and raspy like it was crawling its way out of his throat and you smiled with sick satisfaction, leaning forward so you were closer to his face. Your nose pressed against his and you thought about kissing him for just a few seconds, eventually deciding against it.
Jake was writhing on the bed now, desperately moving into your hand with small groans and whines, his hips lifting off the blanket in an attempt to chase your touch every time you removed it. He didnât even seem to realize he was doing it, a dazed expression on his face.
He seemed out of it until your hand was leaving his face and sliding down his sweater covered chest. He didnât seem to realize you were doing it until your hand was pressing on his stomach slightly, fidgeting with the singular button on his jeans and tugging on the zipper impatiently.
âNo, no.â He was whining, grabbing your wrist to stop you from snaking your hand down his pants, touching him without any layers between. âYou canât do that.â
âWhy?â You asked incredulously, leaning forward so you were hovering over him slightly. He leaned back on his hand a bit to avoid bumping into your face and you were a few inches from laying on top of him. âI promise itâll feel so good Jake.â
The usage of his name made him wince, realizing he liked it far too much when you said it. Heâd never really considered his name before, completely indifferent to it until he heard the way it rolled off your snake like tongue.
âYou arenât supposed to do that.â He practically spat the words at you but his tone lacked any anger instead sounding fearful and pained. âYou canât touch me there, you just canât.â
You felt slightly sorry for him as he hiccuped, his voice breaking around the words as you watched tears collect in his pretty eyelashes. His eyes kept darting to the cross on the wall with a guilty expression.
You took your hands off of his lap, listening to his sigh of longing at the loss of contact. You werenât quite sure what to do in this situation despite seeing it coming, eventually opting for sitting up further on the bed and pulling him into your neck, wrapping your arms around his shaking body in a hug.
He leaned into it and hesitantly wrapped himself around you, tucking his face into your warm neck and letting out a few sobs, tugging you forward slightly by your lower back.
You let him cry for a while, hushing him softly every few minutes just in case, although you were in a less compromising position now, you still didnât think your father would be thrilled to find you half in the lap of a sniffling boy who was still hard against you.
âJake.â You were eventually murmuring into his hair once his hiccups subsided slightly, he nuzzled into your neck further at the sound of your soft tone. âWhat if I didnât use my hands?â
He picked his head up at this and furrowed his eyebrows at you, his eyes puffy and red with wet streaks still going down his face.
âI donât understand.â He looked more puppy like than normal as he said this in a soft breathy voice, voice hoarse from crying and his lip almost jutting out into a confused frown.
âCan I show you?â You kept your voice soft as you spoke to him and he immediately nodded his head. He clearly had found some sort of comfort in your embrace, a connection being made enough for him to fall into this state of vulnerability, willingly to accept what you were wanting to give him now.
You felt a sick rush of adrenaline at his lowered walls, the sudden dumb eagerness in his eyes as he seemed to seek out any sign of contact from you.
You imagined it was a flood of emotions, a confusion and tiring feeling to suddenly be presented with a situation that went against everything your life had been carefully crafted around. Not to mention how addicting it must feel to suddenly learn what was on the other side and how good it felt, having unbothered access to it as the two of you sat huddled on your bed.
Kissing his cheek softly, you slowly slid off the bed onto the floor, suddenly thankful you had a thick rug on your bed side. He watched you in confusion, looking like he wanted to grab you and help you up before you shot him a stern look.
Your hands were back on his jeans now that you were fully situated and he looked like he wanted to object for just a second before lifting his hips off the bed so you could pull them down to pool around his ankles.
You took just a second to admire him, his pretty tanned skin overwhelming you a bit in its sheer amount. His legs were surprisingly thick, muscular like an athlete and you briefly remembered you didnât know much about him at all.
That didnât bother you at all, if anything it made you want him more when you looked up at him to see his nervous eyes staring down at you in concern. He looked humiliated and you imagined it had something to do with the fact he was still extremely hard, even after crying for so long.
If he was more stable in his emotions, less flighty, you wouldâve made fun of him. You wouldâve called him names and made him cry all over again and then taken his innocence without a second thought.
Instead you carried on the kindness act, leaning forward and pressing a kiss against his length through his underwear.
He immediately hissed and shot forward, not realizing what you were planning to do and not understanding why you were doing this. He started to stammer out in confusion and you shushed him again, sending a sharp glare towards the open door in warning.
âWhat are you doing?â He sounded absolutely blown away now, even more than he did earlier and it settled in your mind that he clearly had absolute no sexual knowledge, including blowjobs. âThatâs dirty, you canât do that.â
âWhy not?â You were mock frowning up at him. âDid mommy say so?â
He knew you were making fun of him but he still nodded in response, not liking the sudden return of your mean tone. He forgot all about it when you were leaning forward again, this time touching your lips to him longer and sucking softly through the fabric.
âMommyâs not here.â You were breathing out when you pulled away from him again, much to his dismay considering he immediately lifted his hips back in your direction. âAnd doesnât it feel nice?â
He was nodding his head dumbly in agreement, feeling dizzy from the foreign emotions. He still didnât understand what you were doing but it felt too good to keep questioning, forgetting momentarily about sin and how much punishment was going to come his way after this.
You were sliding your hands up his thighs slowly, stopping at the waistband of his boxers and glancing up at him for any sign of refusal. You didnât care much for his discomfort but you werenât going to force him to do anything, despite how much fun you were having with him.
He didnât make any move to stop you, not even seeming to notice or understand what you were planning to do until you pulled on the elastic swiftly.
Then he was shooting back up from where heâd been leaning back, shaking his head again and covering himself with his hands. You smiled at him from your place on the floor and he looked at you like you were crazy.
You were getting slightly frustrated despite your pleased expression, wanting him to quickly understand what you were planning on doing. You gripped his wrist tightly and pulled them away from his lap
âWhat are you doing?â He was whispering in a panicked tone, his hands hovering above your head like he was debating pulling you away from him. He let out a yelp when you leaned forward and took the head of his cock into your mouth, watching him with hooded eyes. âT-thatâs dirty, stop it.â
You wanted to laugh at his wording choices, sounding like he was a worried mother scolding their child for playing in mud.
âItâs dirty?â You frowned at him when you pulled back for a moment, his wide eyes falling on your wet lips. They squeezed shut just for a moment when you were licking up his full length slowly, humming at the taste of him and his weight on your tongue. âI should probably stop then right?â
He let out a panicked cry and ran a hand over his face in frustration. He wanted you to stop or at least he knew he should want you to stop. His mother had been right and you were not a nice girl, not the type of girl he should be around and he felt his stomach turn at the knowledge he was committing a very large sin by finding pleasure in your lust.
But the pleasure was prominent and overwhelming him to the point he couldnât think straight.
He understood what sex was and his father had taught him about boyish lust, the kind that wakes you up from your sleep needing to change into a new pair of pajamas but heâd been warned from an early age to simply ignore the occurring urge.
He could still hear his mothers shrieks and cries when she caught him with a pillow between his legs in high school, could feel the welts on the back of his hands from the ruler his father had punished him with. Jake sometimes wondered if other people experienced this urge, this call to sin, as much as he did or if he was rotten inside.
But for the first time in his entire life, Jake couldnât find it in himself to think about the consequences to falling victim to it. Not when you were touching him in ways not even his dreams could think to imagine.
When he didnât answer youâd taken him back in your mouth, slightly impressed by how thick he was. He bucked forward his hips instinctively, pushing himself deeper into your mouth and you pinched his thigh roughly in warning.
You heard him cry out in a sob, his hands gripping the blankets so hard they were turning white and shaking at an almost alarming rate.
âPlease.â He was begging and you werenât sure he even knew what for, his voice coming out desperate and needy. âPlease i-it feels really weird.â
You hummed around his cock in understanding, your hand petting his thigh and pushing his shirt up on his stomach so you could feel more of him. He didnât even seem to register you touching him, the sounds of his soft cries and pleads distracting you slightly.
You tapped his hip bone a few times and he seemed to somehow understand the message, pushing his cock deeper into your mouth at a slower pace this time. You let him do what he wanted despite the urge to take control of the situation, knowing there wasnât any chance he was lasting more than 30 seconds anyways.
He was slightly surprising you already, truthfully youâd expected him to cum before you even got his boxers off his thighs.
You imagined his inner monologue was causing him some issue as you listened to him cry softly from pleasure, little overwhelmed gasps and hiccups as one of his hands grabbed onto the one you were running across his stomach and squeezed it tightly.
âYou need to just let it go baby.â You were whispering to him as you pulled off for a second when his hips started to twitch awkwardly, overwhelmed and not understanding what the feeling building up deep in his gut was. âDonât worry about making a mess.â
The second you took him back in your lips he was following your instructions with a loud moan, completely forgetting you were meant to keep quiet as he came inside your warm mouth.
You winced slightly at the unexpectedness of it, leaning backwards on your knees as you waited for his hips to stop jerking forward.
He was shaking his head at you, eyes teary and his face red as he squinted his eyes in confusion. âWhat w-was -â
âYou came.â You said matter of factly, standing up with a groan from your uncomfortable kneeling position and sitting next to him on the bed again. He leaned sideways into you, much to your surprise, and you resisted the urge to push him off you.
âWas I supposed to?â He whispered in embarrassment and pushed his face into your neck again. You were slightly uncomfortable at his clinginess but you let him do it, knowing he must be feeling a lot.
âYes Jake. Maybe not all over my face though.â You were trying to joke with him to lighten the atmosphere but you sighed as you heard him let out a little cry into your neck, clearly upset and humiliated.
He was mumbling against your skin, repeated mantras that you couldnât quite understood through his sobs but had a good guess in what they contained. You imagined reality was coming back to him now and he was processing what heâd just done without the hazy cloud of need cursing his judgement.
âJake, you need to stop crying.â You were sighing and bringing your hand up to his hair, petting it softly to try to calm him down.
âDid I do a bad thing?â He pulled off your neck to look you in the eyes, his wide and desperate like he was fishing for any bit of reassurance that what youâd just done was okay, that he hadnât just committed a sin so unholy. You could tell by his expression he was asking just to hear it reaffirmed, for you to tell him again it was just skin.
âMy poor baby.â You were cooing at him, lips jutted out in a pout as your hands came up to hold his face, cupping it softly and wiping his teary cheeks with your thumbs. âOf course you did a bad thing.â
He froze completely in your hold and you felt a laugh bubble into your throat, holding it down with all your might so you could get the full extent of his reaction. He sat up slightly, attempting to pull out of your hands before realizing you were holding his face too tight. He gave you a confused and hurt look.
âWhat?â He was stammering out and his face was curling back into another sob.
âHow could you let me do that?â You were tsking at him as you spoke, eyebrows furrowed like he had genuinely offended you. He watched you as panic settled into his eyes at the sound of you kissing your teeth and shaking your head softly. âWe were supposed to be studying.â
âB-but.â He was shaking his head and holding onto your wrist, eyes filling with tears. âBut you said that..â
He trailed off and you watched him with a raised eyebrow, waiting for him to pass the blame off onto you. Of course he didnât, his expression hardening although you knew he hadnât quite realized your motive. He was too innocent to believe youâd deceive him, too stupid to understand every action you did was a carefully crafted lie.
âMaybe itâs time you go Jakey.â You were nodding as you spoke, petting his hair and pushing it back out of his eyes.
He didnât say anything else, his expression dazed out as he came out of such a vulnerable compliant headspace with a jolt. You watched him in silence as he gathered himself enough to get dressed awkwardly and walk out of your room, loose and tilting like he had just woken up.
You waited for him to be completely out of sight, the sound of the front door closing, before falling back on your bed with a big smile.
ââ
Youâd fallen asleep soon after that without much thought on the situation, feeling only a deep satisfaction at the progress youâd made with Jake and a slight tinge of excitement for the next time you got to see him.
By the time youâd woken up, your mother was already in your room and standing staring down at you. You barely reacted to her presence although you were slightly unnerved and curious just how long sheâd been watching you sleep.
âCan I help you?â Your voice was groggy as you sat up and pushed your bedridden hair out of your face.
Any other mother might have found your tired movements cute, maybe theyâd give you an endeared smile and reminisce on when you were a baby waking up from naps.
However you were born with a very specific type of mother, maybe one of her kind. She was watching you with a nasty scowl, a knowing look in her eye as she did a slow pan around your room. âYour father said the boy was here yesterday.â
You hummed in agreement, tilting your head softly to try and get a further reaction from her.
âHis mother called and said he wonât be at church this morning.â She spat the words at you, accusatory and nasty. âHeâs sick.â
You could tell by the way she said that she knew it was a lie, wether Jake was the one telling it or his mother. At first you were slightly shocked heâd lie about being sick but you figured he might just be feeling so, driven by the extreme emotions heâd been feeling.
âWhat a shame. He seemed more than fine yesterday.â You put in a pity filled voice, shaking your head as you let the innuendo sink in for her, watching the way her face curled with disgust.
âAlmost ready?â You father was suddenly in your doorway, observing the scene with a raised eyebrow as he buttoned the cuff of his sleeve.
âFather, would it be okay if I stopped by the Simâs before heading to service? Iâd like to bring Jake some soup for his cold.â Your voice was dripping with sweetness and you vaguely saw your mothers jaw tick with irritation.
âI can do it.â She was rushing to say.
Your father shook his head immediately and held a hand up to silence the both of you from speaking again. He finished buttoning his sleeve and cleared his throat before speaking. âYou agreed to meet with the Leeâs today Mary. I think itâd be a good idea for Y/N to go, since theyâre friends.â
You smiled appreciatively at him and he gave you a small nod before leaving the room. You glanced at your mother to see her stony expression but surprisingly she didnât say anything, simply shaking her head in disapproval and following behind him.
It was strange to not leave for church with them, to stand in the window with the curtain pulled back as you smiled and waved watching the car drive off.
You dropped the grin the second they turned the street corner and hurried out the door to get on your bike and head over to the Simâs house.
You hadnât been there before despite your father pointing it out on your way home yesterday but it looked pretty much the exact same as the other houses in the neighborhood. It was large and eerie, the rainy atmosphere not helping it.
The door was opening before you could even dismount your bike let alone knock and you saw Jakeâs mom standing in the archway with a small frown.
âWhat are you doing here?â Her tone was harsh and for a second you wondered if he had told her about what happened, confessed his sins in a fit of guilt.
You were so thrown off that you didnât immediately respond, suddenly aware of the fact you didnât bring any sort of soup or medicine like you had originally planned, too eager to get out the door to remember your cover story.
Lucky for you, Jakeâs father was coming into sight now and a small grunt from him sent the rude woman cowering away.
You observed this with a curious expression and tried not to frown. Maybe Jake wasnât as innocent and pure as he seemed considering he apparently had some familial issues, obvious in the way his mother showed a fearful obedience to the large man in front of you.
âYou here for my boy?â His voice was low and gruff and it was a bit remarkable how different Jake was than his father.
You opted for a small nod, only slightly playing a part considering he actually did a good job at intimidating you. He let out a hum of approval and stepped aside so you could enter the house, not asking anymore questions.
âItâs good you two get along.â You were taking in the main living space as you entered, his voice picking up a conversational tone that sounded slightly unnatural. âI was beginning to think heâd never talk to someone his own age, let alone a girl.â
He had a typical mannish tone, one youâd heard in movies or from the gross men who sat outside the town bar in a drunken haze as they catcalled and talked at a volume far too loud for your small town. It lacked the usual religious hold you were more used to, he almost sounded pleased at the idea of his son being with a girl.
You glanced at him and held his stare. You wondered for a second if he was testing you now, waiting for you to reveal any sinful intentions you had so he could run back to your father and earn some brownie points for catching your sickness in the act.
He raised an eyebrow at you as you cocked your head, willing him to talk further and continue in his attempt at baiting you.
âUpstairs on the right.â He eventually said, your stare unrelenting. You unfroze your stony expression and gave him a small smile, knowing you probably looked crazy with how fast your face changed.
You were walking away from him before he could say anything else or before Jakeâs mother could return, skipping a step at a time in your haste to get upstairs.
Without knocking, you pushed open his door and barged in.
He was sat up in bed, lower half under the covers, and he let out a small shriek of surprise at your sudden intrusion, furthered by a quick inhale when he realized who it was that had just walked in.
âW-what are you doing here?â He was rushing out as he watched you close the door behind you and sit down on the end of his bed.
âI came to check on you.â You said it like it was obvious, a soft shrug of your shoulders. âSince youâre sick.â
His mouth parted in confusion for a second before he seemingly remembered he was meant to be ill, looking awkward and guilty at the reminder he had lied.
You didnât address his obvious reaction, telling you what you already assumed, and instead climbed up further on his bed. He made a strange noise when you got closer to him, pulling back the blankets and getting underneath them with him. You briefly caught sight of his plaid pajama pants before you covered the both of you up.
âM-my parents.â He was shaking his head and anxiously looking at the door like he was waiting for his mom to walk in any second. You watched his distress, wondering if he was possibly hoping for that to happen, before you heard the sound of the front door slamming.
A look of fear passed over his face at the realization his parents had just left him alone with you. You were a bit surprised yourself but you kept your face neutral, watching him to drink up his reaction.
âI came all this way and you canât even say thank you.â You tsked and relaxed against his pillows with an annoyed expression. âEspecially after what you did yesterday.â
He looked upset at the reminder and he was sitting up more now, the blanket pulling forward around his thighs and he practically kneeled and titled forward in your direction. He wasnât touching you but his hands were clasped together as he practically did a full bow on his bed.
âIâm so sorry.â He started to say the words but his voice broke around them and he rocked slightly back and forth. You almost laughed at the fact he was already about to cry and itâd only been about five minutes alone with you. âThank you for coming.â
You imagined heâd been doing a lot of crying since you saw him last, staying up all night running your words on loop in his mind. The sincerity in your voice when you told him he committed a disgusting sin.
âGet back under the covers.â You spoke in a calm voice and he picked his head up to look at you in confusion, face red and eyes teary. He looked surprised you werenât scolding him, having seemingly forgotten you were the one who practically forced him to let you touch him.
He stayed frozen like that for a few seconds before snapping back to reality and nodding appreciatively, getting back under the blankets and pulling them up again so you were covered. He seemed to only now realize you were laying back against the pillows and he mirrored you, laying on his side so he could face you.
âI wonât tell anybody what you did.â You whispered to him now that his attention was fully on you. Your hand came up to hold his face and he tensed for a second at the contact. âOr maybe I will⊠I havenât decided.â
He shook his head hastily, scooting closer to your body and grabbing ahold of your hand that was on his face, wrapping both of his around your wrist and squeezing it softly in desperation.
âY-you canât.â He urged and you felt his hands shaking around yours. âI mean you can b-but Iâm really so sorry and my dad, heâd kill me.â
You shushed him as he started to ramble, petting his cheek and frowning deeply at what he had said. You figured Jakeâs dad hurt his mother but you hadnât considered it extending to his child as well. A strange surge of anger ran through you despite your own twisted intentions.
Scooting down a bit more so you were completely laid down, you put a hand on his back and pulled him towards you until he got the hint and curled into your side with a soft cry. He was stuffing his face back into your neck like he did yesterday and you rubbed his back softly.
You vaguely acknowledged the fact he was completely pressed against your side now, almost laying half on top of you in his emotional state.
âI wonât tell.â You whispered, his soft and messy hair tickling your face as you spoke. In his desperation for comfort he seemed to forget about not touching you, his arm coming up to wrap around your stomach, tugging you closer in a rush of thankfulness and your eyebrows raised in surprise. âBut only if you answer my questions.â
He nodded immediately and picked his head up off your neck so he could look at you more clearly. He looked particularly cute like this you decided, his hair unstyled and still sticking up from where heâd slept on it and his soft pajamas that were rubbing against your legs.
âDid you touch yourself last night.â You held his chin as you spoke so he was looking up at you, his head almost resting against your chest as he peered with big wet eyes.
He was shaking his head as much as he could and furrowing his eyebrows like he did the last time you asked him. âI donât- I wouldnât. I donât know how even.â
This fascinated you slightly. You figured he didnât understand masturbating or its purpose outside of it being sinful but the fact heâd never once curiously touched himself was interesting. You wondered how many nights he laid in bed crying with confusion at the dull ache between his legs.
âDid you like being in my mouth?â Your voice dropped lower for the second question and an automatic whine slipped out from his lips, his face immediately flushing with embarrassment as he seemed to replay the memory.
He was nodding hesitantly much to your annoyance, you wanted to hear him say it but you figured you could take it easy on him today.
Maybe easy wasnât the best way to describe your current plan for him considering the way you were suddenly pressing your thigh in between his legs, smiling at him when he groaned loudly and tightened his grip on you.
Your side burned slightly from the force in which he curled his hands up at the sudden contact.
âYouâre hard.â You said matter of factly, telling the truth and not just teasing him. He was solid against your thigh now and you heard him whimper when you shifted slightly so his tight grip on you was more comfortable. âI barely said anything and youâre hard.â
He shook his head in disagreement but his hips twitched forward, rubbing his erection against you and making a low drawn out sound at the feeling.
âDid I say you could do that?â Your tone was harsh again and he immediately froze, groaning softly and tucking his head forward onto your chest. You let your hand go back to this hair, petting him for a second before gripping it tightly and tugging his head back up to look at you.
He winced at the pain, face contorted as he tried to scoot away from you. However he still didnât remove his arm from around your stomach so he wasnât able to go far, his hand still kneading against your side like he didnât realize he was even moving it.
âAsk me.â You instructed him, still holding his hair in a tight fist. âClear words, no crying bullshit.â
He looked momentarily taken back by you swearing and being so harsh but then he had a look of guilt like he was remembering the other day and he was attempting to nod in head in agreement.
âPlease I want⊠I want you to touch me.â He settled on, not sure how to word what he needed. You smiled softly at him for his attempt but you werenât convinced, deciding on helping him ask you properly.
âTell me youâre disgusting.â You whispered, leaning your face forward so your nose was touching his again, like it did momentarily yesterday. âSay you want to hump my leg like a dog.â
He looked confused and overwhelmed at your words, shaking his head in refusal until you moved your leg again. It rubbed against him and you almost laughed at the fact he was almost harder now even after your tone changed. His hips chased the feeling and you tugged his hair again in warning, listening to his soft groan of frustration.
âI want..â He hiccuped softly and shook his head, trying to force the strange words from his mouth. âI want to hump your leg please please.â
You let go of his hair and his head fell back down onto your chest. He hadnât completely fulfilled your request but it was good enough for now.
âAlright baby.â You didnât need to say anything else for him to understand, immediately pulling you closer again and rocking against your side.
You listened to his soft little whines as he humped against you desperately, moving in messy motions as he tried to chase after the feeling he recognized from yesterday.
The feeling of his hand gripping your side was making your head spin a bit much to your irritation and you gripped it tightly, moving it off your waist. He seemed to misunderstand and instead placed it directly over your belly button where your sweater had ridden up, pushing down softly as he rubbed the soft skin of your stomach.
You let out a small groan and this seemed to ignite something in him because he let out a little cry and nuzzled further into you as he dragged his clothed cock over your hip harder.
âTell me it feels good.â You instructed him and you felt more annoyance at the fact your voice came out breathy, not liking the effect he was having on you.
âS-so good.â He immediately responded and you felt his leg wrap around yours, trying to get closer to you despite it being impossible. âGoing to die itâs good, itâs good.â
You laughed softly at his dramatic wording and pet his hair again, trying to get his attention. He slowed down the grinding of his hips to look at you and you nearly cooed at his hooded wet eyes, trying to focus on your face but struggling.
You were originally planning on teasing him some more, attempting to get him to repeat the words you wanted to hear earlier, but at the sight of his pretty overwhelmed face you couldnât help yourself from leaning in and kissing him softly.
He yelped at the feeling, tensing up for a few seconds before closing his eyes and trying to kiss you back, failing miserably.
You laughed against his lips and you could feel him frowning, face getting red with embarrassment as he uncomfortably shifted against you.
âCome here.â You tapped his back softly and nudged him so he was fully on top of you, squishing you under him but making it so you could reach his mouth better. âRub your cock on me while we kiss.â
He whined softly, nodding his head despite the flush on his face and you waited while he slowly experimented with the new position, practically in missionary now. When he started to move his hips again, his hard cock was now rubbing directly against your core and he faltered at the feeling, nearly collapsing on top of you.
You smiled at his reaction. You had full doubt that he knew what sex was or the fact he was basically imitating it but you imagine he could get the gist that what you were doing was wrong.
You leaned your head forward to kiss him again, easier now that he was on top of you and seemingly more eager to get it right this time. He was still sloppy, not really understanding how to move his mouth or when but you took over, moving your lips against his slowly.
He seemed to get the hang of it eventually and you could feel his thrust getting more desperate as the kiss got deeper and faster.
Your tongue was in his mouth before he even realized and he made a small startled sound, hips stopping against yours at the new feeling. He was letting out high pitched whines and moans as you licked into his mouth, him drooling slightly and desperately trying to keep your tongue where it was.
You could feel him sucking on it, twisting his head to try to get it deeper in his mouth and he instinctively gave a particularly hard thrust, causing you to moan into him.
This seemed to startle him, pulling back off your face with a wet chin and hooded eyes, looking down at you in amazement.
He did it again experimentally and you could feel the hard print of his cock directly against you, your back arching as your hand came up to grip his hair and stop him from doing it again. You were reminding yourself this wasnât about your pleasure, you wanted to ruin him and nothing else.
But you couldnât deny your attraction to him, almost the perfect boy for you if there was to ever be one.
It didnât help he happened to have an impressive size on him, although you doubted he even realized he was bigger than usual or would know what to do if given that information.
You wrapped a leg around his side and he sucked in a breath, having better access now. He kept rolling his hips sloppily into you and moaning loudly, forgetting who he was or where he was currently at.
âWhat would mommy think if she saw you like this?â You took it upon yourself to remind him, whispering into his mouth with a pant and almost laughing at the way he immediately tensed and stopped humping against you. âIf she walked it to see her son so desperate to sin.â
He was shaking his head and lifting it slightly to be able to look at you better, eyes welling up with tears as he glanced back over his shoulder at the closed door. You hadnât been there long and you imagined church still had a few hours before itâd be over and theyâd be heading back but he seemed to forget all this at the mention of his parents.
âIâm not.â His hair was messy in his face, bangs slightly damp from sweating and his previous tears. âI donât want to sin, I donât want to be bad. Please.â
You hummed softly at him, lips forming a mocking pout as you looked at him with gentle eyes. You stroked his cheek and he closed his eyes, leaning against your hand like a puppy.
âMy poor baby.â You cooed and kissed him again briefly, he immediately chased after it when you pulled away and you tapped your finger on his cheek to stop him. âYou have no idea what Iâm going to do to you.â
He seemed confused at what you meant but too drunk on the feeling of your touch and lips, chasing after them again in a messy kiss that was mostly just him trying to get his tongue back against yours.
You indulged him and let him lick into it, letting out soft desperate moans and you were suddenly realizing how much you were aching for him despite managing to keep a cool demeanor on the outside.
You shifted your leg that was wrapped around his middle and he seemed to remember that he was currently on top of you and he went back to writhing against your body, his hard on rubbing against you an almost painful amount now that you were granting him more access with the switched position.
He wasnât able to hold himself up, curling up on your chest while he moved his lower body with sobs of pain and need.
âGod, I thought itâd take longer to break you.â You were trying to make fun of him but your voice broke in a moan at the feeling of him pushing himself against your sensitive clit. âYouâre so fucking nasty, look at yourself.â
He was shaking his head and crying fully now, chasing after a high he didnât even understand and you were almost feeling dizzy from the pace he was going.
âIâm good.â He was blabbering out and looking at you again, trying to lean forward for a kiss but letting out a sharp cry midway and falling back down with his head on your chest.
âYouâre a good boy Jake.â You cooed at him, nodding even though he couldnât see you and he felt sick at the constant changing of your tones. âMy good boy right?â
He was suddenly sitting up again, pulling himself against you so he could look at you directly in the eye, if he could see through his tears. He was nodding his head in earnest and you felt your lip quirk up in a smile.
âIâm yours. I want to be yours.â He was rushing out, hands leaving your stomach to balance on either side of you. His tone was pleading and you wondered if he even knew what he was asking for or if he was just repeating what youâd said dumbly.
You kissed him softly and he let out a shaky breath of relief against your lips. However he started to frown when you were suddenly pushing him off of you and patting the empty space on the bed right beside where you were laying. He looked confused and hurt but he didnât ask any questions, simply rolling over and waiting to see what you were attempting to do.
You watched him for a few seconds, taking in the change of appearance in such a short amount of time.
He was laid back fully on the bed, eyes hooded and cloudy. His mouth was parted slightly as he panted, his chest rising and falling at a fast speed as his arm reached up to try and push his messy hair out of his face. You liked the way he looked like this, especially the way his shirt was ridden up on his stomach, a sliver of skin showing.
He started making small impatient whines and groans so you took mercy on him, flipping yourself over slightly so you could situate yourself on his lap.
You sucked in a breath the second you did, quickly shutting your lips tight after so he didnât catch sight of the display of pleasure. He was hard underneath and pressed tightly against your core as you sat on him.
âOh my god.â He was crying out and his hands jutted forward like he was going to grab your sides, stopping midway and flailing around as he didnât know what he was meant to do with them.
âTouch me.â You spat at him, reaching down to grab his wrist and put his hands on your ass as you leaned forward so you were in a similar position to his a few minutes ago, laying on top of him.
He froze as he touched you and you almost scolded him for acting so prudish with touching you like he wasnât just trying to fuck you through his cute little pajamas. However you figured it was harder for him to deliberately do something versus acting purely on the overwhelming lust he was feeling.
You gripped his jaw harshly in your hand, your nails digging into his skin slightly as you used your thumb to pull his mouth open and hummed with satisfaction.
âSay you want me inside you.â You whispered, leaning down to talk into his open mouth. You watched his eyes widen in confusion but you rubbed your hips against him as motivation and he immediately complied.
âWant you inside me.â He moaned out, big fat tears sliding down his face. âY/N please I need it please.â
He didnât even know what he was asking for but he was overwhelmed and sinking back down into that fuzzy headspace, willing to do anything to get pleasure from you.
You kept his mouth open after he was done speaking and he opened it wider for you, although not understanding where you were heading with this action. He watched with wide confused eyes as you leaned over him and slowly spit into his open mouth.
He cried out, hips bucking up instinctively at the sensation of your spit on his tongue so directly and you almost fell forward from the roughness in which he fucked himself up into you. You smacked his cheek lightly and he snapped his mouth shut with another moan, eyes shut in euphoria.
You hummed at him in approval, leaning back down to kiss him again and lick into his mouth, letting him turn his head sideways in an attempt to get your tongue as deep as possible. You wondered if he was purposely imitating the blowjob youâd given him or if he was just that desperate to be consumed.
âIâm going to take you to hell with me.â You whispered, pulling out of the kiss and petting his hair softly. He shook his head and let out a small sob, this time not from pleasure.
âDo you want to cum?â You didnât address his denial or tease him further for now, knowing now you had him completely hooked. He was addicted to you and the feelings you gave him and no mean words would be able to keep him away from you.
He seemed hesitant in his nod, now once again thinking about the sins he was committing and the fact he was skipping church to touch a girl inappropriately. But he did eventually nod his head, eyes still watering.
âThen fuck me baby.â You rolled back over as you spoke, flopping onto your back and rubbing his chest through his shirt, slightly surprised by the thick build he had. He was immediately on top of you again and you almost laughed at his haste.
You didnât mean it literally and you didnât fear him taking it as such considering he didnât even know what it meant, he just knew you were cursing and being dirty.
You wondered if he even knew what you had inside your pants, scrapping that idea for another time instead so you didnât get yourself too worked up thinking about how much it would ruin him to feel you.
He didnât last long once he was back on top of you, only a few seconds passed before he was letting out a loud cry and hiccuping, his hips jutting against you a few more times in aftershock before he was collapsing on top of you.
âIâm sorry, Iâm so sorry.â He was sobbing into your neck and you wrapped your arms around his back, rubbing it slowly with an eye roll. âIâm sorry, God please forgive me.â
ââ
Jake had fallen asleep on top of you shortly after that, exhausted from everything youâd been putting him through both mentally and physically.
You let him lay there on top of you surprisingly despite how uncomfortable it was and how much you kept readying yourself to shove him off of you and leave him without any comfort, you simply couldnât.
You werenât quite sure why, it wasnât like being mean to him was going to ruin your plan and make him not want to talk to you anymore. He was trapped now with you.
Yet you found yourself staying and not only staying but watching him as he slept. He looked younger like this, despite always being very puppy like and boyish you couldnât deny that Jake was a man and he could be an intimidating one if it wasnât for his personality. His eyelashes were long and fluttering like he was having a vigorous dream and his back would rise and fall with every deep inhale he took.
By the time he woke up youâd been laying there for probably an hour or two staring at him or looking around his room with curiosity, you felt him shifting against you and almost pretended you were asleep before deciding against it.
He froze his movements when he realized where he was exactly, or at least who it was underneath him. Then he was rolling off of you onto his back with a groan and you were suddenly feeling very cold without his weight and body warmth.
âDid my parents come home?â His voice was low and groggy from sleep and crying and you turned your head to look at him now that you were laying side by side.
âAre you kidding? Like your mother isnât going to run in here the first second the car parks and hose you down.â
He laughed softly at your words, almost a scoff and your lip quirked up in a smile at his casual reaction, knowing his guard must be down since he was still so tired.
âShe wouldnât do that.â He eventually whispered and you could feel his shoulder pressing against yours. âAt least the hose part.â
âIs she as bad as mine?â You werenât sure what prompted you to ask him something so personal or why you were even making conversation with him in the first place but you were suddenly curious.
âNot sure.â He was looking at you, you could feel it on the side of your head. âMy dad is though.â
You hummed as a response, already figuring that from the times youâd interacted with him and the way Jake talked about him earlier. You felt a sudden wave of discomfort at your current situation and fidgeted in your spot on the bed.
âAre you going to leave?â His voice was a whisper still and he wasnât looking at you anymore from what you could tell. He sounded slightly upset like the thought of you leaving wasnât pleasant.
âYou wanted me to earlier.â You scoffed softly but it was humorless, for some reason feeling offended at the reminder despite knowingly doing everything in your power to make him uncomfortable for your own satisfaction.
He didnât say anything for a while and you listened to him breathing softly, wondering if he caught on to the hint of insecurity you were accidentally showcasing.
âWell⊠I guess Iâll see you tomorrow then.â He eventually said and you barely heard him considering how low his voice had gotten.
âSee you tomorrow Jake.â
ââ
Tuesdayâs were another day that your schedule was slightly shifted after church service. You had always been instructed to some form of community service on that day of the week, wether is be picking up trash or teaching a small class to the elders and children.
You didnât mind this despite your distaste for religion. You got some sick satisfaction from watching religious people interact, like babies excitedly chatting about fairy tails and wishing for a big grand gesture to fix their own shitty lives.
Plus it got you out of your house and kept you slightly on the good side of your mother typically although you doubt with your recent actions youâd ever be on that side of the fence again.
So it was particularly annoying when you were tasked to clean the church basement, an area usually unseen by anybody in the town including yourself.
It was a mess of overfilled shelves and baskets stacked to the brim with old holiday decorations or donations from past families that were never put to use.
Youâd been hesitant to agree, having to try ten times harder than usual to apply your usual fake smile towards your father when you graciously nodded and accepted the task. Luckily a handful of other volunteers had also followed you down the creaky stairs, one of them being Jake.
Not on his own volition considering the way his eyes bulged out of his head when his father roughly nudged him as you stood at the center of the stage requesting helping hands. He hesitantly held his in the air and avoided making eye contact with you as you smiled happily.
The same smile you held now as you stood side by side with him, taking things off the shelves and throwing them into a trash pile. He looked more anxious than usual, like he was genuinely worried youâd try to do something to him while people were watching.
âMiss Y/N?â One of the older women who had volunteered was approaching the two of you, holding a small basket of, what looked like, old arts and crafts. âI found this and was wondering if you thought your father might want to hang them up in the youth study room?â
âI think thatâs a wonderful idea maâam.â You were smiling widely at her, eyes soft and full of light. âYou should bring them up to him.â
She was smiling appreciatively at you before turning and heading back up the stairs, missing the way your smile immediately dropped back into a blank expression.
Jake however, didnât miss it and you heard him scoff from next to you as he observed the interaction. You glanced at him with a raised eyebrow and he shrugged.
âDonât you get tired of doing that all the time?â He questioned and you faltered slightly. You hadnât ever really considered it as something you were doing necessarily so his statement threw you off.
âI donât know⊠I do it with everybody. I just do it.â You shrugged and awkwardly looked away from him, feeling confronted.
âYou donât do it with me.â He suddenly declared and you were reminded that you didnât actually know Jake or his personality that well, completely caught off guard by his bluntness.
âMaybe because I knew you were just as bad as me.â You dropped your voice into a small whisper, leaning closer to him slightly as he glanced around to see which volunteers were over in your side of the basement.
He picked up an old toy and tossed it off in the distance, shaking his head in denial. âThatâs not true at all.â
âWhy isnât it?â You cocked your head at him and stopped rummaging through the shelf, more interested in what he was saying. You turned your body so you were facing him and could lean against the wood.
âI believe in this.â He looked around the room as if to emphasize what he was referring to. âI love god.â
âDo you? Or have you just been told to?â You were already sure of the answer but you were curious what he would say about that, if heâs ever sat and thought that over or if his faith was really that unwavering.
âI never questioned it before.â He confirmed with a stern voice, sending you a sharp look so you would understand he was serious. âNot once in my life until we moved here. Not once until..â
He trailed off but the implication was heavy and he looked away with a bright flush on his face. He was obviously referring to you and you felt a small spark of satisfaction at the fact he was implying you were the first thing to ever make him doubt, implying that he was doubting at all.
He scowled slightly when he noticed the bright smile that was on your face, one you didnât even realize you had.
âIâm serious Y/N. If anyone ever found out IâŠâ He didnât finish his sentence again but you could get the gist of what he was implying, your smile dropping into a frown.
âYou think I donât know that? The stakes are way higher on my side of things incase you forgot.â Your tone was harsher now but you were taking a step closer to him, not bothering to check if anybody was watching. âBut youâre mine right? Like you said?â
He didnât say anything for a minute, turning to face you and taking a big gulp when he realized you were practically close enough to kiss now. You waited for him to say something against your claim, to tell you he had been lust drunk or he didnât mean it.
Instead he slowly nodded, eyes shooting down awkwardly to your feet. His shy expression was one you were more familiar seeing him with and your smile returned.
âCan you come over today?â You whispered and he looked back at you with a shocked expression, clearly not expecting you to say that. âI have something to show you.â
He was nodding again, not trusting himself to speak without stuttering and you grinned, turning back to the shelf and continuing with your sorting.
ââ
By the time church was over and Jake got to your house, you were already sat outside on the porch in a big sweater and a scarf wrapped around your neck.
âAre we not.. going in?â He was standing at the end of your driveway, putting his bikes kickstand down and watching you with a confused expression.
âI said I had to show you something didnât I?â He watched you as you stood from the cement slab, grabbing your own bike from off the side of your house and walking it down towards him with a half smile.
He didnât say anything as you both got on your bikes, following behind you as you rode off the curb and down the street.
The ride was long and cold, the sky grey as you passed by old houses and empty shops thatâd been abandoned as the owners aged. Jake found the town sad a bit but he was curious what you were leading him too and slightly excited that you wanted to spend time with him in a different way than normal.
Eventually you were crossing the threshold of the city limit, a big sign with chipping paint that was welcoming you in or wishing you safe travels out.
After that it wasnât long before you were slowing to a stop, surrounded by trees and a large field. Jake watched you get off your bike with a raised eyebrow, waiting until you looked back at him with a beckoning hand.
âItâs this way.â You urged and he hopped off, pushing the bikes alongside each other until you were on the other side of the muddy field, approaching a large river. The sound of it was loud as it rushed but not loud enough to block out the noise of the highway across from it, just off in the distance.
Jake watched it as you unpacked your backpack that he didnât even realize youâd been wearing until now, unfolding a thick blanket and laying it down on the wet grass.
âThey canât build houses over here because the river always overflows.â You started to explain, pulling out a thermos and something wrapped in paper towel as you talked. âThe water levels higher than usual because all the rain we get.â
âSometimes I wonder if they even know we are over here.â You continued with a scoff, sitting criss cross on the blanket now and looking over at Jake who was dropping his bike.
He sat down too, carefully keeping his wet and muddy shoes off of the fabric.
âDo you come here a lot?â He was muttering what felt like his first words of the day, looking around the area and seeing virtually no signs of civilization other than the highway. He wondered for a second if you had even been able to hear him over the sound of it.
âI guess. There isnât much else to do if you havenât noticed by now.â You were shrugging as you spoke, you stuck one of your legs out so it nudged against his.
âIâve been pretty occupied since Iâve gotten here so I guess I didnât.â His words made you laugh although he was being serious, only having gone from home to church to your room.
He didnât say anything as you laughed and he still didnât when you were suddenly moving out of your sitting position, crawling towards him on all fours until you could press yourself against him.
Every part of you was touching as you sat side by side, both facing the rushing river and trying to not focus on how cold it was outside, the sky slowly darkening now since it was around dinner time. That reminded you that you had packed sandwiches and you were leaning forward slightly to reach them, handing him one and watching him unwrap the paper towel in confusion.
His cheeks turned red when he saw what it was, glancing at you and nodding softly in appreciation before taking a bite.
âWhy are we here?â He was breaking the silence the two of you had fallen into as you ate and passed the warm thermos back and forth, watching the highway and the building traffic.
âI donât know.â You felt strangely vulnerable at this question, not really knowing yourself why youâd taken him to such a private place. âDonât think too deeply about it.â
Your sudden change of tone made him frown and tense against you, a harshness seeping into your words as you reminded him what type of relationship you had going here.
To further prove your point that this wasnât anything being sin and attraction, you were quickly turning your upper body so you could face him before leaning forward and pressing into a kiss. He froze completely for a few seconds, brain short circuiting at the sudden contact.
Then he was closing his eyes slowly and kissing you back, a low him of appreciation slipping through your lips and vibrating against his.
You turned your body more so you could climb over his legs, straddling him and making a small noise of surprise when his hands were immediately on your lower back, tugging you in tighter against him.
The two of you kissed like that for a while, you sitting comfortably in his lap and feeling him grow hard underneath you embarrassingly quick. He felt strong and sturdy under you but he was letting out little whines and whimpers and he kept trying to pull you in closer, almost like he was trying to merge the two of you together.
Then you were sitting up on your knees and tugging your long skirt up so it was bunched around your hips, mouth parting slightly at the feeling of the cold air nipping at your bare skin. He watched you with confusion, eyes darting around your legs so fast he felt dizzy.
You sat back down on his hard on, now only separated by his jeans and your underwear and he let out a low moan, shooting forward and ducking his head forward into your neck.
âY/N.â He whined out and you shushed him, petting his hair and rocking your hips slowly against him, liking the way his mouth parted against your skin as he took deep shuddering breaths.
âI want you to feel me.â You were whispering into his hair and he picked his up in alarm, shaking his head and glancing down at your exposed lap.
âI- I donât know how.â He was rushing out and you laughed softly, reaching down to grab his wrist off the blanket and pick his hand up.
You placed it against your stomach like it was the other day when he was pressing on it absentmindedly, letting him feel the smooth skin above your underwear line for a while before pushing his hand down slightly past the elastic and listening to his gasp.
You were still rocking against him but slower now, letting him feel you for the first time at his own pace and trying not to overwhelm him.
His hand was shaking fast, from the cold and nerves. You imagined he could feel his own hand pressing against his cock as he kept moving it down, trapping it between the both of you. You dipped down again when he hesitatingly stopped moving it once he was fully in your underwear and he let out a cry at the feeling of your wetness against his skin.
âW-what?â He was crying out in concern, eyes shooting up to look at yours. âAre you okay? Are you bleeding?â
âIâm wet.â You explained to him with a breathy voice despite the fact you knew he didnât understand what that would mean or if it was good or bad. âMeans I feel good, you make me feel good.â
That seemed to alarm him more than the idea of you bleeding, his hand instinctively twitching and pressing against you. You leaned down to kiss him again and he reciprocated, forgetting his hand was on you for a few seconds before you were lowering your hips again.
He wasnât doing anything but just the feeling of his large hands cupping you was making you feel dizzy, rocking against him again despite the strange noise he let out.
âTouch me baby câmon.â He looked up at you at the sound of your urging, eyes big and wet. He looked nervous but he hesitatingly moved his fingers, curling slightly and pressing against your clit. You let out a cry and he immediately froze, mistaking it for pain. âNo Jake, itâs okay do it again.â
He didnât look sure but he followed your instructions anyways, curling his hand up and being amazed by the way you threw your head back in a small cry.
The two of you seemed to forget about your surroundings, about the rushing lake or the freezing air that was only making the cold grass more bitter to sit in. You almost forgot who you were or the fact you were only a few minutes outside of town, practically riding Jake in a field visible to anyone who cared.
âYouâre so pretty.â You remarked and he frowned at your gentle word causing you to lean forward and kiss him softly. âI want to keep you forever.â
You were too lust drunk to think about the heavy implication of your words or the fact saying them went against everything youâd previously been attempting. The whole reason youâd even started touching him today was to distract him from the fact youâd taken him to a place personal to you, to make him forget your act of kindness.
âYou can keep me.â He was stuttering out in a high voice, not really sure if you meant what you were saying considering how confusing he found you, how strange this whole situation was.
Jake had accepted at some point that his life was changing now and for some reason, god had put you in his path. At first he figured you were some type of test of faith, if he could just ignore you and your evil nature then heâd be able to prove he was a good man, a holy man. But he began to wonder eventually if you were truly as terrible as he originally thought, as his mother kept remarking every time his father wasnât in the room.
You made him cry and you occasionally would say terrible things to him. And it was no doubt you had a habit of sinning and making him sin, even when he didnât want to.
But he thought you were kind at other times and he could tell by the way you zoned out in church during service and were nice to the young residents or helpful to the old, that you didnât have no emotion. Maybe you were right, although you had a twisted way of teaching him about it.
You were leaning down to kiss him again and he was taking his hand out of your underwear, wiping it on his pants briefly before cupping your face in both his palms and keeping you there.
âDid I ruin you?â You were muttering against his panting mouth with a small smile, hands petting his hair affectionately.
âAlmost.â He answered with a slight laugh, kissing you again.
ââ
By the time you and Jake had left the field, giggling together while you stuffed the wet blanket back into your backpack and jumped over mud puddles, the sun was set and gone.
You followed the streetlights home, walking the bikes side by side the entire time so the 20 minute ride turned into an hour walk.
You went a few streets without talking for a while, listening to the sounds of your tires rolling over gravel or the music nature provided from the surrounding woods just off in the distance. By the time you were crossing back into city limits and setting your sights on the abandoned buildings on the outskirts of town, your curiosity was weighing on you.
âWhy did you move here anyways?â You were mumbling on accident so you werenât sure he had heard you until he cleared his throat.
âA council member caught dad hitting mom.â He said it casually and you wondered if he was used to it or it was a practiced tone. âI guess they thought itâd look bad to punish him there so they sent us away.â
âDoes he hit you too?â You werenât sure why you asked that considering you were already pretty positive of the answer.
âYeah sometimes.â He shrugged and tried not to fidget at the feeling of you watching him, kicking at a loose rock in the gravel road. âI think heâs mad Iâm not very manly.â
âI think youâre manly.â You were frowning and furrowing your eyebrows, only deepening when you heard him let out a disbelieving scoff. âIâm serious.â
And you were. Despite Jakeâs outwardly timid personality and the way he basically turned into a nervous obedient puppy everytime you got your hands on him, he was clearly a man. Both in his broad athletic build and in his day to day actions and personality. He was blunt and honest, telling you what he felt even if he thought it might anger you.
âYeah, whatever.â He was whispering, still not trusting what you were saying and you froze in your tracks, stood directly under a streetlight. He slowed to a stop when he realized you were walking anymore and looked back at you in confusion.
âYou wouldnât have picked on me if I was manly.â He was explaining once he caught sight of your frustrated expression. âYou probably wouldnât have even noticed me.â
âYou think Iâm picking on you?â You ignored his second statement for now, eyes darkening at the implication of the first.
You werenât sure why it struck a nerve within you considering he wasnât half wrong. You had originally sought him out as a victim for you, an experiment or a game. Maybe even a way to further upset your mother, but you didnât think he thought you were picking on him entirely.
âI donât know what to think.â He was shaking his head and his eyes looked sad. He started to push his bike again and you rushed to catch up with him. âThis is just confusing.â
âWell Iâm not.â You kept your voice firm in an attempt to assure him and he didnât say anything else, sparing you a long glance before looking back forward so he didnât accidentally hit a pothole.
The two of you didnât talk anymore after that, walking in a comfortable silence as you slowly got to a more familiar area for him and he realized you were slowly approaching his neighborhood. You must be planning on dropping him off before making you own way home he decided.
Those plans were quickly halted when you turned the corner of his street and saw your own parents car in his driveway, right next to the Simâs. You both froze in place and stared in front of you in horror.
âMaybe itâs a coincidence.â He whispered and you jumped at the sudden sound of his voice, the words shaking slightly. âWe can tell them we got caught up studying at the park.â
âIf theyâre here they already know.â You immediately stated in a flat voice, having a sick gut feeling as you looked at the two cars. The lights were on in Jakeâs living room and you could vaguely make out multiple shadows walking around inside. âI donât understand.â
âMaybe your dad heard something the other day.â He was rushing out in a hush, looking at you and your uncharacteristically frozen figure. Heâd never seen you scared before and it made his skin crawl. âOr that lady in the basement.â
âNo thatâs not possible, I was-â Your words faltered and you sucked in a panicked breath, trying to recall the two incidents he was talking about. You had been so caught up in your giddiness to talk to him that you hadnât paid attention to your surroundings this morning at all, saying damning idiotic things to him in the church of all places.
His hand was coming up and brushing against your arm that was covered in goosebumps. âGo home. Iâll think of a cover for you, Iâll handle it.â
You looked at him with big eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by his presence and the fact he was willingly to lie for you so easily, willing to sin to both his parents and yours so you could be spared from punishment.
âI canât leave you with them.â You were shaking your head in earnest and he deflated, understanding immediately there was no way of talking you out of it.
You both stood there for a few more beats, staring at each other under the street light and you briefly wondered if youâd see him again after this. You werenât sure what your parents knew or if they were just following a strong hunch but you knew it didnât matter. The second they suspected anything, atleast the men, you wouldnât be allowed to see Jake anymore.
Eventually he took the first step, setting his bike down at the corner of the street and nudging for you to follow suit although you gave him a confused glance.
Following closely behind him, you tried to match his slow casual pace approaching the door and almost felt like you were going to throw up on the porch when he pushed it open without knocking, deciding to not give them any warning you were approaching.
The sight was just as dreadful as you imagined it would be, your parents sat on the Simâs old couch while his were standing at attention and listening to whatever it was your father had been saying before your arrival.
All heads turned in your direction when you entered, half looking surprised you were together and the others showing no reaction. Your mother was immediately leaping up from the couch and approaching you with a scowl.
You felt her hand hitting your cheek before you even processed she was crossing the room, your head shooting sideways as your own palms came up to grasp your face in shock. Despite your differences, your mother had never directly struck you.
âYouâre a disgrace.â She spat, literally, in your direction and you vaguely saw Jake flinch in your direction like he wanted to grab you. âNo more games little girl, they finally see what I have all these years.â
One glance in your fathers direction told you she was telling the truth. Heâd never been a good father but he wasnât cruel, choosing religion over warmth and parenting. So upon seeing his cold stare you automatically knew things were too far gone.
âAnd you.â She was turning to sneer in Jakeâs direction now and you were slightly surprised to see him square back his shoulders, jaw clenching. âHow can you be so stupid?â
âMary, please advise yourself on how you speak to my son.â Jakeâs mother was piling up from the couch âI thought we agreed that your daughter is the one at fault here.â
âWhat?â Jake was spitting out and your eyes widened, wanting to tell him to shut up and let it run its course. âIt was as much me as it was her.â
âNo it wasnât.â You were shaking your head at lightning speed, taking a step forward but rocking back again when your mother shot a glare in your direction. âIt was all me.â
Jake was glaring at you but you knew he held no anger, only frustration that you were attempting to take the punishment for this. He was crazy to think you wouldnât considering it was all your doing in the first place.
âIt doesnât matter.â Your fathers cool and calm voice was ringing out and everybody turned to look at him. âTomorrow morning Y/N will be sent to a correctional school. I shouldâve listened to your mother when she begged me to send you years ago.â
Your eyes were watering as you looked at him with pure betrayal. Despite your hatred for your town, for your longing to leave and never return you felt an overwhelming sense of panic at the thought of being sent away. You looked over at Jake to find him already watching you with the same panic in his eyes.
Then he was turning back towards your father with a shake of his head and a stony expression. âI wonât let you do that.â
Jakeâs father scoffed, making his first noise of the night and you glanced over at his large frame. He was watching Jake with disgust and amusement but you saw a faint hint of a challenge in his eyes.
âAnd what will you do son?â He was approaching Jake with a sneer, looking down at him. Jake raised his chin to meet his stare, his hands shaking against his sides. âYou canât even protect your own mother.â
It was said in a whisper so only Jake could hear it but you were standing close enough to faintly catch it, mouth parting in shock at his blunt admission before opening further when Jake was suddenly moving faster than you could even pinpoint when he had started.
Jake was on his father before he even had a chance to prepare for it and you could hear the shrieks of the women, your own fathers grunts as he jumped off the couch to try and control the situation. You were standing on the side, hands out and trying to grip a hold of Jakeâs jacket to tug him back when he glanced back at your hurriedly while his dad was disoriented.
âGo.â He mouthed the word at you and you felt your heart shatter slightly, shaking your head in denial before he gave you a firm nod and a soft smile.
You could do nothing but watch in horror as his dad took advantage of him being distracted, slamming Jake onto the ground, nearly blocking the front door. You took your chance to run before somebody realized you were going to and stopped you, sparing Jake one last look before heading out the door.
You aggressively wiped your tears as you ran down the street, sobbing as you could still hear the screams and grunts of pain from Jake coming from the door youâd left open. Your cheek was stinging still but you powered through it, letting the cold numb you as you hopped on your bike youâd abandoned under the light and started peddling so hard your thighs burned.
The wind was howling as you sped past your own neighborhood and the church, the empty buildings a blur through your teary eyes and you fell off your bike once you finally approached the field youâd been in earlier that day, landing in the mud with a cry.
You left your bike near the entrance, wobbling closer to the river with harsh sobs ripping through you, your knees and skirt dripping in mud.
For a moment you wondered if this was it. If youâd been wrong your entire life about religion and sin and this was god letting you know he was here and he was furious with you for the evil you let harvest.
If taking Jake and hurting him was all because you had done bad things and harmed the people around you. You let out a scream of frustration and looked up at the dark grey, wanting to tell him you didnât care if he was watching and it wasnât fair.
Instead you let yourself fall against the wet grass, curling into a ball and hugging your knees to your chest as you listened to the rushing river and the honks of traffic. You briefly remembered you were still wearing your backpack and it contained a blanket you could cover up with but you had no energy left to reach back to get it.
You werenât sure how long you laid there crying, the sky getting darker and darker as you sat and waited.
You werenât positive what you were even waiting for. Maybe for your parents to come searching for you so they could drag you away to some far away place or maybe the more hopeful part of you was waiting for Jake to come, to tell you he was okay.
The thought of him made you cry harder when you remembered the sounds he was making as you ran out and how furious his father looked about being struck. A man with an ego was dangerous especially when it got wounded.
Waves of guilt were rushing over you for dragging Jake into your twisted fantasies, for wanting to keep him even after youâd gotten what you wanted. For liking him despite not knowing you were capable of that until he arrived. You wished the river would fill up and swallow you inside it.
Over all the combined sounds you barely registered a few being added.
You didnât hear the sound of the bike tires approaching, or the splashing of the mud puddles underneath hurried feet. You didnât hear his worried pants or the desperate call of your name in the distance.
It wasnât until he was there did you feel him, it wasnât until he was reaching down to grab your arm.
a lee heeseung series - đźđ§đđšđ«đđźđ§đđđ đđđŹđąđ«đ
[ their profiles ] (updated profiles) | [a playlist]
PAIRING âž lee heeseung x fem bodied!reader
SUMMARY âž realizing that jake won't fall in love with you after overhearing he's only into experienced girls is something that you thought would crush your chances for good- thankfully, heeseung is up to teach you a few things, even if he does hate you.
[part đđđ]
release date : sunday, june 26th 2022 @ 10pm EST
summary âž realizing that jake won't fall in love with you after overhearing he's only into experienced girls is something that you thought would crush your chances for good- thankfully, heeseung is up to teach you a few things, even if he does hate you.
word count âž 9,800
[part đđđ] release date : sunday, july 3rd 2022 @ 10pm EST
summary âž getting isa and jake to fall in love with you and heeseung is harder than it seems to be- especially now when the whole school thinks you two are dating.
word count âž 11,264
[part đđđđđ]
release date : sunday, july 17th, 2022 @ 10:30 pm est
summary âž heeseung makes progress towards isa becoming his girlfriend- until he doesn't and you wonder if he made it backfire on purpose.
word count âž 10,956
[part FOUR] release date : sunday, july 31st, 2022 @ 10 pm est
summary âž you figure out your relationships with jake and heeseung.
Content+Warnings: arranged marriage to lovers,smut,pwop,breeding kink,dom!hoon,virgin reader,hoon hittin it raw,oral(f!receiving).
Wc:5.7k
MNDI.
NOTE: Requested by anon,not proofread, pure self-indulgent filth, Sunghoon is a gentleman even when heâs losing his mind.like+reblogs r appreciatedË àŁȘ . đŠą.
The wedding was beautiful.
Everyone said so. Crystal chandeliers dripping from the ceiling of the Grand Hyatt ballroom, your motherâs vintage Dior gown altered to perfection, Sunghoon in a custom Tom Ford tux that made him look like heâd stepped out of a fashion editorial. Photographers, CEOs, politiciansâeveryone who mattered was there to witness the union of Park & Co. Luxury Group and your familyâs cutting-edge tech empire.
A perfect match on paper.
A merger disguised as matrimony.
You smiled the entire night like the well-bred heiress you were. Sunghoon smiled tooâpolite, camera-ready, the kind of smile that never reached his eyes. He barely touched you. A hand at the small of your back for photos, a chaste kiss on the cheek when the crowd cheered. That was it.
And now, three weeks later, youâre standing in the middle of hisâyourâpenthouse at the top of Seoulâs most exclusive tower, wearing nothing but an oversized silk slip and fuzzy slippers, trying to figure out how to use the espresso machine that probably cost more than your first car.
Sunghoon is already gone. Again.
He leaves before sunrise most days, comes back after midnight. The only evidence he exists is the faint trace of his cologne in the marble hallway and the occasional sticky note on the fridge that says things like Dinner is in the warmer or Meeting ran late. Donât wait up. in his neat, elegant handwriting.
Youâre not stupid. You know what this is. An arrangement. Two families shaking hands over your heads while the lawyers drew up the contracts. Youâre the pretty, fertile bridge between empires. Heâs the cold, untouchable heir who never wanted a wife in the first place.
But God, youâre trying.
Youâve always been the good girl. The one who baked cookies for the staff on holidays, who graduated top of her class in business but never raised her voice. The one whose body developed early and never quite listened to the rules of âelegant restraint.â Wide hips that sway when you walk, a plush ass that fills out every pencil skirt, full breasts that strain against even the most modest necklines. Youâve spent your whole life trying to dress it downâhigh necklines, loose fits, dark colors. Still, people stared.
Sunghoon? He hasnât stared once.
Not until tonight.
Itâs past 11 p.m. when you hear the elevator ding.
Youâre in the kitchen, barefoot, wearing one of his white dress shirts as an apron because you spilled flour on your slip while attempting to make his favorite japchae from the recipe his mother sent you. The shirt hits mid-thigh, sleeves rolled up, top three buttons undone because itâs hot from the stove. Your hair is piled on top of your head with a claw clip, a few strands sticking to your neck from the steam.
You donât hear him come in at first. Youâre humming softly, hips moving to the quiet lo-fi playlist playing from the speaker, bending over to check the oven whenâ
âSmells good.â
His voice is low, rough from the long day. You straighten up so fast you almost hit your head on the range hood.
Sunghoon stands at the edge of the open kitchen, tie loosened, jacket slung over one arm, the top buttons of his black shirt undone. His sharp eyesâthose glacier eyes everyone calls âintimidatingââflick over you once. Slow. Like heâs seeing you for the first time.
You tug at the hem of his shirt self-consciously. It barely covers anything. âIâI thought youâd be late again. Made dinner. Or⊠late-night dinner. Whatever.â
He doesnât answer right away. Just sets his jacket on the island stool and walks closer. You can smell the city on himâcold night air, expensive leather, the faint trace of whiskey from whatever business dinner he just left.
His gaze drops.
Not to your face. To the way the shirt rides up when you shift your weight, exposing the soft curve where your thighs meet your ass. The way the fabric stretches across your chest, the faint outline of your nipples because youâre not wearing a bra and the kitchen is warm.
You see the exact moment something in his brain short-circuits.
His jaw flexes. Once. Twice.
âSunghoon?â you ask softly, voice the same sweet, slightly breathy tone you always use when youâre nervous. Innocent. Like you have no idea what you look like right now. Because you donât. You never have.
He clears his throat. âYou didnât have to cook.â
âI wanted to.â You smile, small and hopeful, and turn to grab a plate. The motion makes the shirt ride higher. He sees the full, plush swell of your ass, the way the silk clings to the dip of your waist, the generous curve of your hips.
Breeding material.
The thought slams into him so hard he actually grips the edge of the counter.
Youâre his wife. On paper. Untouched. Sheltered. The kind of girl who blushes when someone says âfuckâ in a movie. And yet your body was built for exactly what his family wanted from this marriage: soft, fertile, made to carry heirs and look devastating while doing it.
He hates how much that turns him on.
You set the plate in front of him, unaware. âEat before it gets cold, okay? Iâll clean upââ
âSit.â
Itâs not a request. His voice is low, almost hoarse.
You blink those big, doe eyes at him. âHuh?â
âSit down, Y/N.â
You obey instantly, sliding onto the stool across from him like the good little wife youâre trying so hard to be. The shirt rides up your thighs. He stares. Doesnât even pretend not to.
The silence stretches.
You fidget. âIs⊠is something wrong? Did I do it wrong?â
Sunghoon exhales through his nose. He looks like heâs fighting a war in his head. âYouâre wearing my shirt.â
âOh.â Your cheeks go pink. âIâm sorry, I spilled flour on mine and I didnât want to wake the maid andââ
âStop.â He cuts you off. His eyes are darker now. âStop apologizing for existing in my house.â
Your lips part. Innocent confusion written all over your pretty face. âBut itâs your shirtâŠâ
He stands up slowly, walks around the island until heâs right in front of you. Towering. You have to tilt your head back to look at him. He smells like sin and restraint.
âYou have any idea what you look like right now?â he murmurs.
You shake your head, genuinely lost.
Sunghoonâs hand lifts. His knuckles brush the side of your thigh where the shirt ends, barely there. You shiver.
âPlush little ass in my shirt,â he says, voice dropping an octave. âTits spilling out the top. Hips like they were made to be grabbed. And youâre just⊠humming and cooking like a fucking 1950s housewife.â
Your breath hitches. No one has ever spoken to you like this.
âIâI can changeââ
âDonât.â His fingers tighten on your thigh. âDonât you dare.â
Heâs hard. You can see the bulge straining against his slacks, and the realization makes your stomach flip. Youâre a virgin. Youâve never even kissed anyone properly before the wedding kiss that lasted half a second. But your body knows what it wants. Itâs been aching for weeks every time he walked past you in the hallway smelling like heaven and distance.
He hauls you up onto the counter in one smooth motion, your ass landing on the cool marble with a soft gasp. The shirt bunches around your waist. He steps between your spread thighs like he belongs there.
His mouth crashes into yoursânothing chaste about it this time.Hungry. Possessive. His tongue slides against yours and you whimper into the kiss, hands fisting his shirt. He tastes like whiskey and want. One big hand slides up your thigh, cups the full cheek of your ass and squeezes hard enough to make you moan.
âFuck,â he breathes against your lips. âThis ass. Been driving me insane for weeks. Every time you bend over in those little shorts you wear to bedâŠâ
He kisses down your neck, sucking marks into the skin like heâs claiming territory. His other hand palms your breast through the shirt, thumb circling your nipple until itâs stiff and aching.
âYouâre built like a wet dream,â he mutters, almost angry. âWide hips perfect for carrying my kids. Tits so full theyâd leak when youâre pregnant. And youâre sweet. So fucking sweet it makes me want to ruin you.â
Youâre panting, head spinning. âSunghoon⊠Iâve neverââ
âI know.â He pulls back just enough to look at you. His eyes are black with lust but thereâs something soft underneath. âI know youâre a virgin, baby. Thatâs why I stayed away. But I canât anymore. Not when you walk around looking like my personal breeding material in my own goddamn kitchen.â
He drops to his knees.
You squeak when he spreads your thighs wider, pushes the shirt up to your waist. No panties. You never wear them to bed. His breath ghosts over your bare pussy and you tremble.
âSo pretty,â he murmurs, almost reverent. âLook at this little cunt. Never been touched and itâs already wet for me.â
He leans in and licks a slow, broad stripe up your folds. Your back arches off the counter with a broken moan. He does it again, firmer, tongue flicking your clit on every pass until youâre shaking.
âSunghoonâoh godââ
He eats you like a man starved. No hesitation, no teasing. Just hungry, filthy licks and sucks that have you grinding against his face without shame. His hands grip your hips, holding you down as he devours youâlapping at your entrance, sucking your clit, groaning like you taste better than anything heâs ever had.
You come embarrassingly fast, thighs clamping around his head, crying out his name like a prayer. He doesnât stop. He keeps going until youâre sobbing, oversensitive and twitching.
Only then does he stand up, lips shiny with you, and kisses you so you can taste yourself.
âFirst time I make my wife come and itâs on the kitchen counter,â he says with a dark little laugh. âWeâre just getting started.â
He lifts you like you weigh nothingâyour legs wrap around his waist instinctivelyâand carries you to the bedroom. The master suite youâve been sleeping in alone for three weeks.
He lays you on the bed like youâre precious, then strips. Shirt. Belt. Pants. You watch, wide-eyed, as his cock springs freeâthick, long, flushed dark at the tip and already leaking. Youâve never seen one in real life. It looks obscene. Perfect.
Sunghoon crawls over you, caging you in. âStill okay?â he asks, voice softer now. âWe can stop. Iâll jerk off in the shower like I have been every night since the wedding.â
You shake your head, reaching up to cup his face. âI want this. I want you. Please⊠make me yours for real.â
He kisses you slow and deep, then reaches into the nightstand for lube and a condom. You stop his hand.
âIâm on the pill,â you whisper, cheeks burning. âFor⊠for the marriage. They said it was better if i⊠.âyou stutter trying to find a suitable word.
His eyes flash. The breeding kink heâs been trying to ignore roars back to life.
âNo condom,â he growls. âNot tonight. Not ever if you let me. Want to feel you raw. Want to fill this pretty pussy until it leaks.â
You nod frantically.
He slicks himself up anyway, just enough, then notches the head of his cock at your entrance. He pushes in slowâinch by inchâwatching your face the entire time. Youâre so tight it makes his jaw clench.
âRelax, baby. Breathe. Thatâs it⊠good girl.â
It burns, but the stretch feels right. When he bottoms out, hips flush against yours, you both moan. He stays there, buried to the hilt, letting you adjust.
âFuck, youâre perfect,â he whispers. âSo warm. So fucking tight. Like you were made for me.â
He starts movingâshallow thrusts at first, then deeper, harder. Every drag of his cock against your walls makes stars burst behind your eyes. He angles his hips and hits a spot that makes you cry out.
âRight there? Yeah? Gonna make you come on my cock like a good little wife.â
He fucks you harder. The wet slap of skin on skin fills the room. His hands are everywhereâsqueezing your tits, pinching your nipples, gripping your ass to pull you onto him deeper. He leans down and sucks a nipple into his mouth, teeth grazing, while his cock pistons in and out.
You come again, clenching around him so hard he groans your name like a curse.
He doesnât stop. He flips you over onto your stomach, pulls your hips up so your ass is in the air, and slides back in with one smooth thrust. The new angle makes you scream into the pillow.
âLook at this ass,â he pants, spanking one cheek lightly, then harder when you moan. âBouncing so pretty for me. Gonna fuck you full every night. Keep you dripping with my cum so everyone knows who you belong to.â
Youâre babbling nowâyes, please, Sunghoon, moreâlost in the pleasure. He reaches around and rubs your clit in tight circles.
âCome again. Want to feel you milk me.â
You do. Shaking, sobbing, pussy fluttering around his cock. He follows right after, burying himself to the hilt and coming with a guttural groan. You feel the hot rush of him inside youâthick, endless pulses that make your belly feel warm and full.
He collapses over you, careful not to crush you, and presses soft kisses to your shoulder blades.
After that night, everything changes.
Sunghoon still works long hours, but now he comes home early enough to eat the dinners you make. He eats you for dessert on the kitchen island at least twice a week. He fucks you in the shower, bent over the marble vanity while you watch yourselves in the mirror. He takes you on the balcony under the Seoul skyline, your silk robe hiked up around your waist while he growls filthy promises about knocking you up against the glass.
Heâs still the same cold, elegant CEO in public. But at home heâs insatiableâhands always on your ass, mouth always on your neck, cock always ready to remind you who you belong to.
One night, after heâs fucked you slow and deep in the big bed, he lies behind you, spooned up close, hand splayed possessively over your lower belly.
âYou know why I stayed away at first?â he murmurs into your hair.
You hum, sleepy and satisfied.
âBecause the second I saw you at the altar. those hips, that ass, those titsâI knew Iâd never be able to keep my hands off you. Knew Iâd want to breed you the first chance I got. And you were looking at me with those big innocent eyes like youâd never had a dirty thought in your life.â He kisses the back of your neck. âMade me feel like a pervert for wanting my own wife so badly.â
You turn in his arms, smiling softly. âIâm not innocent anymore.â
His eyes darken with fresh heat. âNo. Youâre not.â He rolls you under him again, already hard. âBut youâre still my sweet little wife. And Iâm never letting you go.â
You wrap your legs around his waist and pull him in.
âGood,â you whisper against his lips. âBecause I was made to be yours.â
And you were.
The merger thrived. The papers called it a love match. Only the two of you knew the truth: it started as an arrangement, but the moment Sunghoon saw you in his kitchen wearing nothing but his shirt and that body built for sin and softness, it became something else entirely.
"Sunghoon lives for nights like this you in his lap, tits in his mouth, windows fogged beyond saving."
Pairing:ë°ì±í x f!reader.ÖŽÖ¶ÖžđÖŒ Ö¶ÖžÖą.
Content+Warnings: Explicit sexual content,fwb? Casual sex,Unprotected sex + creampie,Heavy breast/nipple play & tit worship,Multiple sex positions in a car cowgirl, folded missionary, doggy style,Fingering, clit stimulation, multiple orgasms,Dirty talk?,Light pain/pleasure mix (hard pinching, biting, slapping on breasts),Marking/hickeys,Strong language
Wc: 4k
Mdni
Note: saw this on tw those hands looked sm like hoon's đŹ idk vro..
The notification lit up your phone at 11:47 pm.
Hoon: you up?
You stared at it for a second, thumb hovering. You knew exactly what it meant. It had been the same for the last few months, ever since that night Yunjin dragged him along to your groupâs late dinner and heâd spent half the evening staring at your chest like it was the only thing worth looking at. Some tipsy flirting and you ended up in his car.
You typed back
You: yeah,where?
Hoon:outside in 15
You didnât bother dressing up. Black cami n some boy shorts, nothing underneath. Your nipples were already tightening just from the anticipation. You grabbed your keys and slipped out.
His matte black car was idling by the curb, tinted windows hiding everything. You climbed in. The scent of his cologne â something woody and expensive hit you immediately. Sunghoon was slouched in the driverâs seat wearing a plain black tee that looked two sizes too small. The fabric stretched obscenely across his broad chest and thick shoulders, biceps bulging even when he wasnât flexing.
He didnât say hi. Just reached over, big hand landing high on your thigh, squeezing once as he pulled away from the curb.
âMissed you,â he said, voice low, eyes flicking to your covered chest.
You laughed softly. âsure.â
The drive was quiet except for the low hum of R&B playing through the speakers. His hand stayed on your thigh the whole time, thumb rubbing slow circles higher and higher until it slipped under the hem of your shorts. Not pushing further. Just teasing. Building it.
He drove farther than usual tonight, leaving the busy streets behind until he turned into a quiet, half-empty parking lot behind an old business park. No cameras. No people. Just distant streetlights painting faint orange stripes across the fogged windows once he killed the engine.
Silence settled. Thick. Heavy.
Sunghoon turned toward you, dark eyes locked on your body. âC'mere.â
You unbuckled and climbed over the console, knees settling on either side of his thick thighs. The moment you were in his lap, his hands were on you. His big palms shoved under your cami and pushed it up roughly, bunching the fabric right under your chin. Cool air hit your bare skin for half a second before his hot hands covered you.
âshitâ he groaned, squeezing immediately.
His fingers dug deep into the soft flesh of your tits, kneading hard, pushing them together, spreading them apart.His thumbs dragged over your nipples, flicking them back and forth until they were stiff peaks, then pinched hard enough to make you gasp.
You arched into his touch, hands bracing on his broad shoulders. The muscles there were rock-solid under your palms.
Sunghoonâs breathing was already getting heavier. He leaned in, burying his face between your breasts, inhaling like he was addicted. Then he started sucking wet, open-mouthed kisses all over the soft skin, leaving faint marks. One hand kept mauling your right tit, squeezing rhythmically while the other slid to your back, pulling you closer so he could suck a nipple into his mouth.
The wet heat made you moan. He sucked harder, tongue flicking rapidly, teeth grazing just enough. His free hand worked the other breast rolling the nipple, tugging, slapping the underside lightly so it jiggled against his palm.
You rocked your hips slowly against the growing bulge in his sweatpants, feeling him thicken. The car was heating up fast. Windows already fogging at the edges.
He pulled back just enough to yank your cami completely off, tossing it into the backseat. Then he attacked again. Both hands on your chest, pushing your tits up and together so he could drag his tongue across both nipples at once. He sucked them into his mouth together, groaning deep in his throat as he did it. The vibration went straight between your legs.
Your hands slid into his hair, gripping the dark strands as he worked you over. He was relentless squeezing, kneading, sucking, biting softly. Every time you moaned, he did it harder. His cock was fully hard now, pressing insistently against your soaked shorts.
âShorts off,â
You lifted up just enough to shove them down. He helped, big hands yanking them down your thighs along with your panties. The second you were bare, he pulled you back down, but not before shoving his own sweatpants and boxers down just enough to free his thick cock. It slapped heavy against his abs flushed, veined, already leaking.
You wrapped your hand around him, stroking slowly. Sunghoon hissed, hips bucking once, but his eyes stayed glued to your chest.
âWan' 'em around me,â he said.
You leaned forward, pressing your tits together around his cock. Sunghoon cursed loudly, head falling back against the seat as you started moving. The sight of his thick length sliding between your soft breasts made him throb. He reached down and helped, hands covering yours, squeezing your tits tighter around him, thumbs still flicking your nipples.
âShit⊠look at that,â he groaned, watching mesmerized as the head of his cock disappeared and reappeared between your cleavage. Precum smeared across your skin, making everything slicker. He thrust up gently, fucking your tits while his hands kept them pressed tight. After a few minutes he grabbed your hips and pulled you up, lining himself up with your dripping entrance.
"Ride me?"
You sank down onto him inch by inch, gasping at the stretch. He was thick always took you a moment to adjust. The second you bottomed out, Sunghoonâs hands returned to your chest like magnets. He squeezed hard, using your tits as handles while you started rolling your hips.
The car rocked gently. Skin slapped against skin. His breathing was ragged, eyes half-lidded as he watched your breasts bounce in his grip. Every time you sank down, he thrust up to meet you, fingers digging deeper.
âHarder,â you whispered.
He grinned,Then he took over.
Gripping your ass with one hand, he fucked up into you fast and deep, the other hand still full of your tit. He slapped it lightly, watching it jiggle, then squeezed again, pinching the nipple until you cried out. The mix of pleasure and faint pain had you clenching around him.
He switched positions after a while pushing the seat back as far as it would go so you could lean back against the steering wheel. This angle let him see everything. He kept one hand on your chest, mauling both breasts while the other rubbed tight circles on your clit. His thrusts never slowed.
You came hard the first time, thighs shaking, walls fluttering around his cock as you moaned his name. Sunghoon didnât stop. He fucked you through it, groaning at how tight you got,
When your orgasm faded, he pulled out suddenly and flipped you around. âBackseat rightnow babyâ
You climbed over. He followed, muscular body filling the space. He laid you down across the seats, one of your legs hooked over the front seat, the other bent. Then he was on you again.
This time he pushed your knees toward your chest, folding you, and slid back inside in one smooth thrust. The new angle made you see stars. Sunghoon braced one hand on the seat behind you and started pounding deep, powerful strokes that made your tits bounce wildly.
He couldnât resist. He leaned down, sucking one nipple into his mouth while his hand worked the other. The wet sounds of his mouth mixed with the obscene slap of skin and your broken moans. Every thrust pushed your breasts up toward his face. He motorboated them messily, groaning, then went back to sucking hard enough to leave marks.
âLove suckin' these while Iâm inside you,â he panted. âSo fucking soft⊠godamn.â
You reached between your bodies and rubbed your clit, chasing another high. Sunghoon noticed and replaced your hand with his, rubbing fast while he kept thrusting.
Your second orgasm hit even harder. You clenched around him, back arching, crying out as pleasure crashed through you. Sunghoon cursed, hips stuttering, but he held back.
He pulled out again, breathing hard. âTurn over. On your knees.â
The backseat was cramped, but you managed hands braced on the seat, ass up. Sunghoon knelt behind you, one foot on the floor. He rubbed his cock along your soaked folds once, twice, then pushed back in.
This position let him go even deeper. He gripped your hips at first, pounding hard, but soon one hand slid around to grab your swinging tits. He squeezed them from behind, pulling you back onto his cock with every thrust. The angle made everything feel filthy and perfect.
He leaned over your back, chest pressed to you, one arm wrapped around so he could keep playing with your breasts while fucking. Fingers pinching, palm kneading, mouth sucking on your shoulder.
âYou gon cum again? Want to feel it on my cock.â
His hand moved faster on your clit. His thrusts turned punishing deep, rapid strokes that had the whole car shaking. You came a third time, almost sobbing with how intense it felt, walls milking him tight.He buried himself deep and came hard, groaning loudly as he filled you, hips twitching with every pulse. His hand stayed on your tit the entire time, squeezing rhythmically like he was grounding himself.
You both collapsed, sweaty and breathing hard. The car reeked of sex. Windows completely fogged. Sunghoon stayed inside you for a long minute, lazily kissing your neck, hand still gently groping your sore, marked-up chest.
Eventually he pulled out with a wet sound and sat back, pulling you into his lap again. This time it was softer. He rested his forehead against yours, one big hand still idly cupping your breast, thumb brushing the nipple almost tenderly now.
âBetter than the gym,â he muttered with a lazy smirk.
You hummed breathlessly. âmhm"
You stayed like that for a while naked, tangled, his hands tracing the marks he left.
âRound three?â he asked after ten minutes, already half-hard against your thigh.
You raised an eyebrow. âhell nah , don't wanna limp like a loser tomorrow."
He laughed and you both cleaned up as best you could with some wipes he kept in the car. You pulled your cami n shorts back on. He fixed his sweatpants.
He drove you home in comfortable silence, hand back on your thigh. When he pulled up to your building he leaned over and kissed you deep but short.
âText me when you want it again,â he said.
You smiled. âYouâll probably text first.â
âProbably.â
You stepped out. He waited until you were inside before driving off.
Pairing: senior!heeseung x loser!fem!reader
Genre: slowburn, college!au, smut MDNI, comedy, fluff, socially challenged fem!reader, misunderstanding, he fell first he fell harder
Synopsis: The hopeless romantic you are decided to confess and give a heartfelt letter to your all time crush but fate decided otherwise and made you confess to the wrong person...the so-called womanizer of campus, Lee Heeseung. Maybe you should have just keep your feelings to yourself...or maybe it was a sign from the universe.
Warnings: footjob, swearing, oral (fem!rec), fingering
WC: 17k
Note: This one is a long one guys (just so you know), I really wanted to try putting more efforts in my writing and do something longer than I usually do, I don't know if people tend to read the shorter or longer fics but well... I'm really proud of myself for writing more detailed and polished fics, especially knowing that I'm a lazy person who usually do the bare minimum.
"You're a disaster...but God help me if I don't want to be a disaster with you for the rest of my life"
Youâre staring at your own reflection in the bathroom mirror, and the girl staring back looks like sheâs about to either throw up or ascend to another dimension. Maybe both. In that order.
The letter is clutched so tightly in your hand that the pale lavender envelope is starting to crease, and you force yourself to loosen your grip before you ruin the one thing youâve spent three weeks perfecting. Three weeks. Thatâs twenty-one days of drafting, crossing out, rewriting, Googling âhow to write a love letter without sounding like a desperate loser,â and then rewriting again. Youâve used up an entire pack of stationery. Youâve watched so many calligraphy tutorials that the YouTube algorithm thinks youâre training to become a medieval scribe. All for this one moment. This one letter. This one massive, terrifying, possibly life-ruining leap of faith.
You are a hopeless romantic. Hopeless being the operative word.
Itâs not that you donât believe in love. You do. Desperately, overwhelmingly, with every fiber of your first-year STEM student soul. You believe in meet-cutes and slow burns and the exact moment when two people look at each other and the entire world goes soft around the edges. Youâve read about it a hundred times. Youâve watched it play out on every screen you own. Youâve composed entire daydreams about it during particularly boring chemistry lectures. Love is your favorite subject, the one youâve studied with more dedication than calculus or physics combined. Thereâs just one tiny, inconvenient, absolutely infuriating problem.
Youâre terrified of it.
Not the idea of it. The idea is lovely. The idea is safe. The idea lives in your head where everything unfolds exactly the way you want it to, where you always say the right thing, where you never trip over your own feet or laugh too loud at the wrong moment or stand frozen in a doorway like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. But real love? The kind that requires vulnerability and eye contact and actually speaking words out loud with your mouth? That kind of love makes your palms sweat and your heart race in a decidedly unromantic, fight-or-flight kind of way. You are, and this is the most embarrassing part, a coward. A romantic coward. You dream of grand gestures but can barely manage a coherent sentence when an attractive person so much as glances in your direction.
Which brings you back to the letter.
The letter is your loophole. Your workaround. Your way of confessing your feelings without actually having to say them, because writing them down felt manageable in a way that speaking never has. You can be eloquent on paper. On paper, you can say things like âthe first time I saw your smile, it felt like someone had turned on all the lights in a room I didnât even realize was darkâ without immediately wanting to crawl into the nearest hole and live out the rest of your days an hermit. On paper, youâre brave. On paper, youâre the kind of person who goes after what she wants.
In reality, youâve been hiding in this bathroom for fifteen minutes, and your hands are shaking so badly that a passing person would think you are having an epileptic seizure.
âOkay,â you whisper to your reflection. âOkay. You can do this. You are a woman on a mission. You are a warrior. You are-â
A toilet flushes in one of the stalls behind you, and you nearly launch yourself through the ceiling.
A girl you vaguely recognize from your introductory programming class emerges, gives you an odd look as she washes her hands, and leaves without saying anything. You wait until the door swings shut, then press your forehead against the cool glass of the mirror and contemplate every life choice that has led you to this moment.
His name is Jungwon.
Yang Jungwon. Second year. Undeclared major but leaning toward something in the humanities, which you know because you may have done a bit of light, respectful, completely non-creepy research. He has a smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes and a laugh that sounds like sunshine if sunshine could make noise, and he holds doors open for people even when theyâre still like ten feet away, which creates that awkward situation where the person has to speed-walk to not seem rude, but he never seems to mind. You first noticed him at the campus library during midterms when he quietly slid a pack of gummy bears across the table toward you at 2 AM, muttering something about glucose being good for brain function, and then went back to his book like he hadnât just fundamentally altered the trajectory of your entire emotional existence.
That was four months ago. Youâve been pining ever since. Pining, yearning, longing, youâve run through the entire lexicon of unrequited affection, and youâre exhausted. Today, youâve decided, is the day it ends. One way or another.
You push yourself off the mirror, square your shoulders, and march out of the bathroom with the determination of someone going to war. The envelope is slightly damp from your grip, but itâs still intact, and the words inside are still true, and somewhere on this campus, Yang Jungwon is about to receive the most heartfelt confession letter ever written by a first-year student who has consumed an unhealthy amount of romance media.
Now you just have to find him.
âââââ
The hallway is bustling with students, the usual midday chaos of people rushing to classes or huddling in groups to complain about assignments. You scan the crowd, looking for a familiar face that might point you in the right direction, and your eyes land on a guy leaning against the wall, scrolling through his phone with the dead-eyed expression of someone who has just finished a three-hour lab.
âExcuse me,â you say, and your voice comes out about an octave higher than normal. You clear your throat. âSorry, um, do you know where I can find Yang Jungwon? Second year?â
The guy looks up, blinks slowly, deciding whether or not to acknowledge your presence, and then shrugs. âPC room, I think. Saw him heading there like twenty minutes ago.â
The PC room. Of course. Itâs in the engineering and informatics building, a place youâve rarely ever been to. But you know where it is, roughly, and you thank the guy with what you hope is a normal smile and not the rictus grin of someone rushing toward emotional catastrophe.
The walk across campus takes approximately seven minutes, and you spend every single one of them rehearsing what youâre going to say. Youâve already written the letter, so technically you donât have to say anything, you can just hand it over and flee but you want to say something. Something cool. Something memorable.
âHey, Jungwon, this is for you.â Simple. Direct. Good.
âI wrote you something. No pressure, just read it when you have time.â Casual. Low-stakes. Excellent.
âHi, Iâve been emotionally compromised by your existence for several months, please accept this paper rectangle of feelings.â Okay, maybe not that one.
The engineering building looms in front of you before youâre ready. You push through the main doors and immediately feel out of place. The students here move with a different energy, less frantic, more focused, the kind of people who probably know what a server is and have opinions about programming languages youâve never heard of.
You follow the signs toward the PC room, your footsteps echoing in the corridor, and with every step, your heart climbs higher up your throat. This is it. This is the moment. Youâre going to walk in there, find Jungwon, hand him the letter, and then whatever happens happens. At least youâll have tried. At least youâll have been brave, even if itâs only for thirty seconds.
The door to the PC room is slightly ajar, and you can hear voices inside, multiple voices, which gives you pause. You assumed heâd be alone. Or with maybe one other person.
You hesitate. Your hand hovers over the door handle. Every instinct is screaming at you to turn around, go back to your dorm, and spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been. And maybe you would, if not for the small, stubborn voice in the back of your mind that says: Youâve already come this far. Donât you want to know? Donât you want to be the kind of person who actually does the thing instead of just dreaming about it?
Yes. Yes, you do.
You squeeze your eyes shut, take a breath so deep it makes you lightheaded, and push the door open with more force than strictly necessary. It slams against the wall with a bang that makes approximately twelve heads swivel in your direction, and for one horrifying moment, you are the center of attention in a room full of strangers.
But you donât see any of them. You only see the figure sitting at the computer closest to the door, his back half-turned to you, hair falling over his forehead, the exact silhouette youâve been looking for. Or at least, the exact silhouette you think youâve been looking for.
You donât stop to confirm. You donât let yourself think. You just march forward, thrust the letter out in front of you like a shield, and launch into the speech youâve been rehearsing for three weeks.
âThis is for you. Iâm sorry if this is weird or sudden but Iâve liked you for a really long time and I couldnât keep it to myself anymore. You donât have to respond right away. You donât have to respond ever, actually. I just wanted you to know that someone out there thinks youâre wonderful and I wrote it all down because Iâm better at writing than talking and honestly I might pass out if I keep standing here so please just take this and Iâll go-â
You finally look up.
And the face staring back at you is absolutely, categorically, one hundred percent not Jungwon.
The boy in front of you is taller than Jungwon. Broader shoulders. Sharper jawline. Different eyes, darker, deeper, currently widened in a mixture of surprise and something you canât quite read. His lips are parted slightly, as if he was about to say something before you launched into your emotional word-vomit, and heâs holding a half-eaten protein bar thatâs now frozen halfway to his mouth.
The room has gone completely, utterly silent.
You can feel the stares of every single person boring into the back of your head. Someone coughs. Someone else whispers something that sounds suspiciously like âdid she just-â before being shushed by their neighbor.
And then the boy, the very handsome, very wrong boy, sets down his protein bar, takes the letter gently from your trembling hand, and says in a voice thatâs low and smooth and completely unfamiliar: âWow. Okay. Whatâs your name?â
This is the worst moment of your entire life. You are going to die right here, in this PC room, surrounded by computer monitors and half-empty energy drink cans and a dozen witnesses who will spread this story to every corner of the university within the next three hours. Your obituary will read: here lies Y/N, the loser who canât even recognize her ultimate crush.
âY/N,â you croak, because your mouth is apparently still functioning even though every other part of you has shut down. âL/N Y/N. First year. STEM.â
You donât know why you said STEM. He didnât ask for your department. Youâre offering information nobody requested. This is a disaster.
But the boy, heâs looking at you with an expression you canât decipher, his head tilted slightly to the side like youâre a puzzle heâs trying to figure out. Heâs wearing a dark hoodie with the informatics department logo on it, and thereâs a pair of expensive-looking headphones draped around his neck, and his hair is slightly mussed in a way that suggests heâs been running his fingers through it while concentrating. Heâs absurdly good-looking, the kind of good-looking that makes you simultaneously want to stare and look away, and youâre only now noticing the way several girls in the room have been watching him since you entered, not just because of your blunder, but because theyâve been watching him.
âIâm Heeseung,â he says, and thereâs a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. âLee Heeseung. Third year. Informatics engineering.â
Lee Heeseung. The name registers somewhere in the back of your panic-addled brain. Itâs familiar in the way that campus gossip is familiar, attached to words like hot and player and donât get your hopes up because heâll charm you and then move on. Youâve heard girls in your dorm talking about him in hushed, giggling tones, trading stories about brief encounters and misinterpreted invitations. And you, in your infinite wisdom, have just handed a love letter meant for someone else directly into his notorious hands.
You have to fix this. You have to tell him it was a mistake. You have to-
âIâm flattered,â Heeseung says, and his smile widens slightly, not quite a smirk but definitely approaching smirk territory. âReally. This is... I mean, no oneâs ever confessed to me with an actual letter before. Itâs kind of old school.â He turns the envelope over in his hands, examining it with what seems like genuine curiosity. âThe handwriting is really pretty. Did you do the calligraphy yourself?â
âYes,â you say, because you are physically incapable of lying when put on the spot, and also because your brain has apparently decided that the best course of action is to just answer whatever questions he asks like this is a normal conversation and not the emotional equivalent of a tornado.
âImpressive.â He looks at you, really looks at you, and something shifts in his expression. The teasing edge softens just a fraction. âA confession is a lot, though. I mean, Iâm honored, but we donât even know each other.â
This is your opening. This is the moment where you say âactually, thatâs because this letter wasnât meant for you, thereâs been a terrible misunderstanding, Iâm so sorry, please forget this ever happened.â The words are right there, lined up on your tongue, ready to go.
But the room is still watching. A dozen pairs of eyes. The whispers have stopped, but the staring hasnât, and you can feel every single gaze like a physical weight pressing down on you. If you correct him now, in front of everyone, youâll have to explain. Youâll have to admit that you walked into a crowded room and confessed to the wrong person like an absolute buffoon. Youâll become a campus legend for all the wrong reasons: the girl who was too stupid to even identify her own crush. The story will follow you for the rest of your university career. Youâll never live it down.
But if you just... let him believe it... if you just nod and agree and leave as quickly as possible... you can fix this later. Privately. Without an audience. You can find him tomorrow, or send him a message, or do literally anything other than humiliate yourself further in front of all these people.
Your mouth opens. Closes. Opens again.
âI know,â you hear yourself say. âItâs a lot. I know.â
Heeseung nods thoughtfully, like youâve said something profound. âBut Iâm not against it. Starting slow, I mean. If you want.â
What.
âWhat,â you say, but it comes out more like a statement than a question.
âIâm okay with starting slow,â he repeats, and now the smile is definitely back, a little crooked, a little curious. âYouâre cute. And clearly brave. I like that. So if you want to, I donât know, get coffee sometime and see where this goes... Iâm open to it.â
Someone in the room lets out a low whistle. Someone else says âHeeseung, are you serious right now?â in a tone of utter disbelief. But Heeseung doesnât look away from you. Heâs waiting for your answer, his gaze steady and warm, and you are standing in the epicenter of a complete and total catastrophe with absolutely no idea how to get out.
Say no. Say it was a mistake. Say the truth.
âOkay,â you whisper.
Okay?! Okay?!
âOkay,â he echoes, and the smile breaks fully across his face, transforming him from handsome to devastating. âGood. Iâll find you. Y/N, first year, STEM, right?â
You nod mutely.
âCool.â He tucks your letter carefully into the pocket of his hoodie, like itâs something precious, like heâs planning to read it later, and the gesture makes your stomach twist with guilt so intense you think you might actually be sick. âIâll see you around, Y/N.â
You donât remember leaving the room. You donât remember the walk back across campus or the elevator ride to your floor or the moment you collapsed face-first onto your dorm bed. All you know is that one moment you were standing in the PC room, and the next you are here, staring at the ceiling, replaying every single agonizing second on an endless loop.
You confessed to the wrong person.
You confessed to the wrong person.
And for some reason that you absolutely cannot comprehend, he said yes.
Across campus, in a PC room that has finally returned to its normal hum of activity, Lee Heeseung pulls a slightly crumpled lavender envelope out of his hoodie pocket and stares at it for a long moment.
âDude,â says his friend Jay from the next computer over, not bothering to hide his grin. âWhat just happened?â
âI donât know,â Heeseung says honestly. And he doesnât. Heâs used to attention, he knows how to handle it, how to smile and nod and gently redirect without hurting anyoneâs feelings. Itâs a skill heâs developed over the years, the only way he knows to deal with the unfortunate side effect of his people-pleasing tendencies. Heâs nice to someone, he helps them with an assignment, he holds a door open or offers a pen, and suddenly theyâre looking at him with stars in their eyes, and he doesnât know how to tell them that he was just trying to be polite without sounding like an arrogant jerk. So he lets them down easy, or he avoids the situation entirely, and his reputation grows in ways that donât reflect the truth at all.
But this, this is new. A letter. An actual, physical, handwritten letter, with swooping calligraphy and a lavender envelope and a girl who looked so terrified that he thought she might actually pass out right there on the linoleum floor.
She looked at him like he was a natural disaster. Like she was watching a building collapse in slow motion and couldnât do anything to stop it.
And then she said okay anyway.
âSheâs interesting,â Heeseung murmurs, more to himself than to Jay, and carefully opens the envelope.
âInteresting how?â
He doesnât answer. Heâs too busy reading, his eyes moving slowly across the carefully penned words, the ink slightly smudged in places where the writerâs hand might have trembled. Itâs beautiful. Itâs earnest. Itâs the kind of letter that someone writes when they mean every single word, when theyâve poured their entire heart onto the page without holding anything back.
Heâs never received anything like it before.
And he wants to know more about the girl who wrote it, the girl who burst into his afternoon like a hurricane of nerves and feelings.
âJay,â he says, still staring at the letter, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. âI think something interesting just walked into my life.â
He doesnât notice the way his friend shakes his head and mutters something about âhere we go again.â
Heâs too busy wondering when heâll see Y/N next.
âââââ
The following forty-eight hours of your life can be accurately described as a masterclass in strategic avoidance and tactical regret.
You skip two classes. Not on purpose, exactly, you just canât bring yourself to leave your dorm room when every shadow in the hallway might be Lee Heeseung coming to collect on that coffee date you apparently agreed to in a moment of temporary insanity. You survive on instant noodles and the protein bars your friend left on her desk with a sticky note that said âFOR EMERGENCIES ONLY,â which this absolutely qualifies as. You watch three entire seasons of Bridgerton without retaining a single moment because your brain is too busy replaying the PC room incident on a continuous, merciless loop.
âIâm Lee Heeseung. Third year. Informatics engineering.â
âIâm okay with starting slow.â
âYouâre cute.â
You bury your face in your pillow and scream, but it comes out muffled and pathetic, like a small animal giving up on life.
By day three, youâve developed a system. You only leave your room during off-peak hours, skittering through campus, your head on a constant swivel. Youâve memorized the locations of every vending machine in buildings Heeseung is unlikely to frequent. Youâve started taking the long way to your remaining classes, cutting through the art department and the greenhouse and once, memorably, a service corridor that smelled strongly of bleach and soap. Youâve become a ghost. A phantom. A creature of the shadows who survives on granola bars and instant noddles.
But the problem with running away from your problems is that your problems donât actually go anywhere. They just wait. And think about you. And eventually, when you least expect it, they catch up.
It happens on a Thursday.
Youâre crouched behind a potted plant near the science building, scanning the courtyard for any sign of tall, attractive informatics students, when your phone buzzes with a text from your best friend, Yunjin.
Yunjin: heard youâve been living like a sewer rat. want me to bring you real food?
You: canât. iâm in the middle of a crisis
Yunjin: Youâre executing what we talked about yet?
You: itâs in process
Yunjin: at the end of the day, you will have to tell him
You stare at the message for a long moment. Itâs such a simple solution. So elegant. So reasonable. And yet, every time you imagine yourself walking up to Heeseung and saying âactually, I meant to give that letter to someone else,â your entire body physically recoils like youâve touched a hot stove. The humiliation would be astronomical. The look on his face, surprise, then confusion, then that horrible moment of realization that he was never supposed to be the recipient would haunt you for the rest of your natural life. And youâd still have to explain the Jungwon part. And Jungwon would find out. And then youâd be the weird girl who couldnât even confess to the right person, and Heeseung would be the guy who got accidentally confessed to, and everyone would laugh about it for weeks, and-
Your phone buzzes again.
Yunjin: i can hear you overthinking from across campus. just rip off the bandaid. whatâs the worst that could happen
You type back a single message: he could tell everyone and iâd have to transfer schools and change my name and become a farmer in New Zeland
Yunjin: dramatic. but valid. good luck with your plant hiding
You shove your phone back into your pocket and peek around the potted plant again. The courtyard is clear. This is your window. You take a deep breath, steel your nerves, and scuttle out from behind the foliage.
The plan for today is simple: find Heeseung, explain the misunderstanding, and disappear forever. Youâve spent the entire morning psyching yourself up for this. Youâve practiced the speech in the mirror seventeen times. Youâve even written a script on your phone that you can refer to in case of emergency. Itâs thorough, itâs clear, it leaves absolutely no room for misinterpretation, and it ends with a sincere apology and a polite request that you both pretend this never happened. Itâs perfect. Itâs foolproof. All you have to do is locate the target.
Easier said than done. Youâve been looking for him since yesterday, not to talk to, but to observe from a safe distance so you could plan your approach and the universe, in its infinite comedic wisdom, has made him completely unfindable. Itâs like he vanished off the face of the earth the moment you actually wanted to see him. Three days ago, you couldnât walk three feet without catching a glimpse of him, but now? Now heâs a ghost. A myth. A concept rather than a physical entity.
Youâre going to have to ask for help.
This is, objectively, a terrible idea. Asking for help means talking to people, and talking to people about Heeseung means potentially revealing that youâre looking for him, which means potentially revealing why youâre looking for him, which means the whole campus could know about the letter situation by lunchtime. But youâre running out of options, and youâre running out of granola bars, and you canât live behind potted plants forever.
You find your informant near the engineering building, a girl with neon green headphones and a laptop covered in stickers, sitting on a bench and typing furiously at something that looks like code. She seems approachable. She seems like she wonât ask too many questions. You approach with what you hope is casual confidence and not the desperate energy of someone who has been living on protein bars.
âExcuse me,â you say, and your voice comes out surprisingly normal. Points for you. âDo you know where I can find Lee Heeseung? Third year, informatics?â
The girl looks up, her eyes flicking over you with mild curiosity. She doesnât ask why youâre looking for him, which makes you want to hug her. âHeeseung? Yeah, I think I saw him heading to the quad about ten minutes ago. Something about meeting up with some people before his next class.â
The quad. Of course. The most open, public, exposed location on the entire campus. The place where literally everyone congregates. The absolute last place you want to have a conversation about accidental love confessions.
âGreat,â you say, and your voice is definitely an octave higher now. âGreat. Thank you. Thanks. So much.â
The girl gives you a weird look, shrugs, and goes back to her coding.
Youâre already moving, your feet carrying you toward the quad before your brain can catch up and talk you out of it. This is fine. This is progress. Youâll find him, youâll pull him aside, youâll give him the speech, and then youâll be free. Youâll be a normal person again. Youâll be able to walk through campus without checking every corner for a tall informatics student who thinks youâre cute and brave and worthy of a coffee date.
The quad is bustling when you arrive, clusters of students sprawled across the grass and gathered around the stone benches near the fountain. The afternoon sun is bright and warm, the kind of weather that makes everyone want to be outside, which is lovely and picturesque and deeply inconvenient for your purposes. You squint against the glare, scanning the crowd for a familiar dark-haired figure.
No Heeseung.
You circle the perimeter, weaving between groups of friends and dodging a frisbee that comes sailing dangerously close to your head. You check near the fountain, near the big oak tree, near the cluster of food trucks thatâs set up along the east edge. Still no Heeseung. Your informant said ten minutes ago, he should be here. Unless he already left. Unless you missed him. Unless this is a sign from the universe that you should give up and commit to the farmer life plan after all.
Youâre so focused on your search that you donât notice someone approaching until a shadow falls across your path, and a voice, warm, familiar, the exact voice youâve been daydreaming about for four months, says:
âY/N? Hey, it is you!â
You look up.
Yang Jungwon is standing right in front of you, smiling like the sun just came out from behind a cloud, and every single coherent thought in your brain immediately evaporates.
Heâs wearing a soft-looking cream sweater with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and his dark hair is slightly windswept, and thereâs a tiny mole near his chin that youâve never noticed before but is now seared into your memory forever. Heâs holding a book, something with a cracked spine and a title in a language you donât recognize and heâs looking at you with genuine, undiluted pleasure, like running into you is the best thing thatâs happened to him all day.
âItâs me,â you say, because you are a conversational genius. âI mean. Yes. Hi. Hello.â
Smooth. Flawless execution. Ten out of ten.
Jungwon doesnât seem to notice your complete lack of verbal grace. His smile widens, crinkling the corners of his eyes in exactly the way youâve catalogued in your mental Jungwon database. âI thought I recognized you. Youâre in my philosophy elective, right? Front row, near the window?â
He knows where you sit. He knows where you sit. This is both the best and worst information youâve ever received, because on one hand, Yang Jungwon has noticed your existence, but on the other hand, Yang Jungwon has noticed your existence, and now you have to be a normal human being and not the disaster you currently are.
âFront row near the window,â you confirm, nodding a little too vigorously. âThatâs me. I like the natural light. For... note-taking purposes.â
âMakes sense.â He shifts his weight, tucking the book under his arm. âYou take really detailed notes, by the way. I sat behind you once, and I was honestly impressed. Your color-coding system is no joke.â
Jungwon has looked at your notes. Jungwon has been impressed by your notes. Your brain is short-circuiting at approximately the speed of light, and you have to physically resist the urge to fist-pump in the middle of the quad.
âThank you,â you manage. âI have a lot of highlighters. Maybe too many. Is there such a thing as too many highlighters? I donât think so, but Iâve been told my stationery collection is concerning.â
Oh no. Why are you talking about stationery? You need to say something charming. Something witty. Something that will make him see you as more than the girl with the aggressive color-coding system.
âI donât think itâs concerning,â Jungwon says, and thereâs a teasing lilt to his voice that makes your knees go weak. âPassionate, maybe. Dedicated. I respect it.â
âPassionate and dedicated,â you repeat faintly. âThatâs... yeah. Thatâs my brand.â
He laughs, and itâs exactly like you remember, bright and warm, the kind of laugh that makes you want to do whatever you just did again and again just to hear it on repeat. âI like it. Passion is underrated.â He tilts his head, studying you with an expression you canât quite read. âSo what brings you to the quad? You usually eat lunch in the science building courtyard, donât you?â
Your heart stutters. He knows where you eat lunch. Heâs observed your habits. This is either a sign of mutual interest or youâve accidentally become the subject of a sociological case study, and at this point youâre willing to accept either outcome.
âIâm, um, looking for someone,â you say, and the confession letter debacle comes crashing back into your consciousness like a wrecking ball through a glass window. Right. Youâre supposed to be finding Heeseung. Youâre supposed to be fixing the misunderstanding. Thatâs why youâre here. Not to bask in the radiant warmth of Jungwonâs attention like a lizard on a sunny rock.
âAnyone I know?â Jungwon asks, and thereâs something in his tone, curiosity, maybe.
âProbably not,â you say quickly. âJust a... just a person. A random person. Not important.â
Jungwon raises an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced, but before he can press further, a new voice cuts through the afternoon air like a knife through butter.
âThere you are.â
You freeze. Your blood turns to ice. Every cell in your body screams in unison: run.
Lee Heeseung is walking toward you across the quad, his headphones hanging around his neck and his hands tucked casually into the pockets of his jacket. He looks exactly as devastatingly attractive as he did three days ago, which is deeply unfair. His expression is a mixture of curiosity and amusement, and when his eyes meet yours, that slight smile, the one thatâs not quite a smirk but definitely is a smirkâs second cousin, curves across his lips.
âI heard youâve been looking for me,â he says, coming to a stop beside Jungwon like this is the most natural gathering in the world. âYou know, if you wanted to see me, you could have just messaged. I would have given you my number at the PC room.â
Jungwon looks between you and Heeseung with visible confusion, his earlier smile fading into something more guarded. âWait. You two know each other?â
This is it. This is the moment the universe has been building toward. Every terrible decision, every act of cowardice, every misguided attempt to avoid embarrassment, itâs all led here, to this exact spot on the quad, with the wrong guy standing next to the right guy and your entire romantic future hanging in the balance.
âI wouldnât say know,â you begin, but Heeseung is already talking over you, apparently immune to the desperate telepathic signals youâre trying to beam directly into his brain.
âShe confessed to me two days ago,â Heeseung says, and his tone is so casual, so conversational, like heâs discussing the weather or what he had for lunch. âWalked right into the PC room, handed me a letter, told me sheâd liked me for a long time. It was very romantic. Very old-school. I was impressed.â
Silence. Jungwon stares at Heeseung. Then at you. Then back at Heeseung.
âShe... confessed to you,â Jungwon repeats slowly, and his voice has gone flat in a way that makes your heart splinter into approximately seven thousand pieces.
âFull confession,â Heeseung confirms, still smiling. âIâm thinking weâll start with coffee. Keep it simple, you know? Sheâs shy. I donât want to overwhelm her.â
This is a nightmare. This is a waking, breathing, actively-unfolding nightmare, and you are trapped in it like a fly in amber, unable to move or speak or do anything except watch as every possible future with Jungwon crumbles to dust before your eyes.
Because hereâs the thing you realize in that horrible, crystal-clear moment: you canât correct Heeseung now. Not in front of Jungwon. Not when Jungwon has just been told, in no uncertain terms, that you confessed to someone else. If you explain the truth, that the letter was actually meant for Jungwon, that the whole thing was a catastrophic mistake, then what? Jungwon would know youâd been planning to confess to him, but heâd also know that you somehow managed to mess it up so spectacularly that you confessed to his friend instead. Youâd look incompetent at best and completely unhinged at worst. And Heeseung would be humiliated, and Jungwon would be awkward, and youâd be the epicenter of a social catastrophe so immense that all three of you would have to avoid each other for the rest of your academic careers.
You are trapped. Completely, utterly, irreversibly trapped.
âInteresting,â Jungwon says, and the word is so neutral that it cuts deeper than any insult ever could. âI didnât realize you two ran in the same circles.â
âWe donât,â you croak. âWe really, really donât.â
âWeâre just getting started,â Heeseung says cheerfully, and he has the audacity to wink at you. Like this is some kind of adorable inside joke instead of the emotional apocalypse it actually is.
You have to get out of here. You have to escape before the sob building in your chest forces its way out and makes everything infinitely worse. You can feel it pressing against your ribs, hot and insistent, and if you donât leave right now, youâre going to burst into tears in the middle of the quad in front of both of them, and then the disaster will be complete.
âI have to go,â you blurt out, and youâre already backing away, your feet moving before your brain can issue any kind of warning. âI have⊠a thing. A class. A lab. A lab class. Itâs very important. I canât miss it. I have to go.â
Heeseungâs brow furrows slightly. âWait, I thought you wanted to talk to-â
âNope! No talking! Weâre good! Everythingâs fine! Bye!â
You spin around and power-walk toward the nearest exit, which happens to be in the direction of the fountain, which you only realize when your foot catches on the low stone ledge and you go sprawling forward with all the grace of a newborn giraffe.
Your knee hits the ground. Your dignity hits the ground approximately three feet to the left. Several people turn to look.
âY/N!â Thatâs Jungwonâs voice, concerned and moving closer, and you absolutely cannot handle that right now.
âIâm fine!â you shriek, scrambling to your feet with adrenaline-fueled desperation. âTotally fine! Happens all the time! Iâm very clumsy! Itâs part of my charm!â
You donât look back. You canât look back. If you look back, youâll see Jungwonâs worried expression and Heeseungâs confused one, and youâll have to confront the full magnitude of what just happened, and your fragile emotional state simply cannot withstand that kind of pressure. So you run. Not jog, not power-walkâŠrun. Across the quad, past the food trucks, through a gap between two buildings, and out onto the main campus pathway like the hounds of hell are snapping at your heels.
You donât stop until you reach the arts building, and you donât start breathing normally until youâve locked yourself in a practice room on the third floor, surrounded by soundproof walls and a piano thatâs seen better days. You slide down against the door, pull your knees up to your chest, and let out a sound thatâs halfway between a groan and a wail.
Everything is ruined. Everything. You had one chance, one single, solitary chance to fix the misunderstanding and salvage your dignity and maybe, just maybe, preserve the possibility of something with Jungwon somewhere down the line. And instead, you let your hopeless romantic heart get distracted by a five-minute conversation about philosophy notes and highlighters, and now youâre the girl who confessed to Lee Heeseung, and Jungwon thinks youâre interested in someone else, and there is no conceivable way to untangle this mess without making everything exponentially worse.
Youâre going to have to transfer schools. Youâre going to have to move to another country. Youâre going to have to fake your own death and start a new identity as a goat farmer in New Zeland.
The door handle jiggles behind you. âOccupied!â you yell, your voice cracking.
âY/N? Is that you?â
Your best friend Yunjinâs voice filters through the door, muffled but unmistakable, and the sound of it is enough to crack the dam youâve been desperately trying to hold together. You scramble to your feet, fumble with the lock, and yank the door open to reveal Yunjin standing in the hallway with a cup of bubble tea in each hand and an expression of profound concern on her face.
âI saw you running,â she says, her eyes scanning your disheveled appearance. âLike, truly running. Iâve never seen you run before. You once told me running was for people who donât appreciate the journey.â
âYunjin,â you crumble, and your voice is so pitiful that she immediately sets down both drinks and pulls you into a hug.
âOkay,â she says, steering you back into the practice room and closing the door behind her. âOkay. Sit down. Tell me everything. What happened? Did you talk to Heeseung? Did you fix it?â
You laugh, but it comes out wrong, high and wobbly, on the edge of hysteria. âFix it? Fix it? Yunjin, I made it so much worse. I made it so much worse that I think I actually created new dimensions of worse. Scientists are going to have to invent new words to describe how badly I messed this up.â
She settles onto the piano bench, and you collapse onto the floor in front of her, crossing your legs and burying your face in your hands. The story spills out of you in a torrent, the quad, the search for Heeseung, the unexpected appearance of Jungwon, the conversation that made your heart soar, and then the moment Heeseung appeared like a harbinger of doom and casually announced your confession to the one person you never wanted to know about it.
âAnd then I fell,â you finish miserably. âIn front of both of them. And I ran away. And now Jungwon thinks I like Heeseung, and Heeseung thinks I like Heeseung, and I canât correct either of them without making everything even weirder, and my life is a romantic comedy written by a petty incel.â
Yunjin is quiet for a moment. Then she lets out a long, slow breath. âOkay. Thatâs... thatâs a lot.â
âI know.â
âAnd youâre telling me you couldnât just say, hey Heeseung, sorry for the mix-up, the letter wasnât for you, my bad?â
You look up at her, your eyes rimmed with red. âIn front of Jungwon? After Heeseung already told him I confessed? What would Jungwon think of me?â
Yunjin considers this. âThat youâre a disaster, probably.â
âExactly!â
âBut a lovable disaster,â she adds. âDisasters can be endearing.â
âYunjin, please focus.â
She holds up her hands in surrender, but thereâs a glint in her eye that you recognize, the one that means sheâs about to drop some wisdom on you whether youâre ready for it or not. Yunjin has been your best friend since orientation week, when you both accidentally joined the wrong club meeting and ended up spending two hours in a competitive gardening seminar before realizing your mistake. Sheâs practical where youâre dreamy, decisive where youâre hesitant, and sheâs talked you down from approximately four hundred anxiety spirals since the semester started. If anyone can find a way out of this mess, itâs her.
âOkay,â she says, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. âLet me present you with an alternative perspective.â
âIâm listening.â
âLee Heeseung,â she says, ticking off points on her fingers, âhas a reputation. A big one. Everyone knows it. Heâs the guy whoâs super nice to everyone, especially girls, and then they fall for him and he gets all surprised when they expect something more, and then things fizzle out because he wasnât looking for anything serious.â She makes air quotes with her fingers. âSound familiar?â
You blink. âI mean... Iâve heard things. But he didnât seem like-â
âThatâs his whole thing,â Yunjin interrupts. âHe doesnât seem like it. Thatâs why it works. He likes when everyone is after him. But nice doesnât equal interested, so girls get the wrong idea and then they get hurt. Itâs a cycle.â She pops a tapioca pearl into her mouth and chews thoughtfully. âMy point is, you donât need to do anything. You donât need to fix this. You just need to wait.â
âWait for what?â
âFor him to get bored.â She says it like itâs the most obvious thing in the world. âThink about it. Youâre not actually interested in him, right? Youâre not going to fall all over yourself trying to get his attention. Youâre not going to be waiting outside his classes or accidentally showing up wherever he hangs out. Youâre not going to be like every other girl whoâs chased after him.â
You frown. âSo... what, I just... do nothing?â
âNo, you do the opposite of chasing.â Yunjin grins, and itâs slightly wicked. âYou make yourself as uninteresting to him as possible. Youâre awkward, youâre weird, youâre clearly not trying to impress him. You donât dress up when you know you might see him. You talk about boring things. You mention, I donât know, your extensive collection of vintage stamps or whatever nerdy hobby you can think of. You make yourself boring.â
âI donât have a stamp collection.â
âThen make one up! The point is, Heeseung is used to girls who want him. If you clearly donât want him, his interest is going to fizzle out faster than a cheap sparkler. Heâll move on to the next girl who bats her eyelashes at him, and youâll be free. No confrontation necessary.â
You turn this over in your mind. Itâs... not the worst idea youâve ever heard. In fact, compared to your current strategy of blind panic and tactical fleeing, itâs practically genius. If you canât correct the misunderstanding without making everything worse, maybe you can just... let it die on its own. Let Heeseungâs fabled short attention span work in your favor. Become so aggressively unappealing that he loses interest within a week and never thinks about you again.
And once heâs out of the picture, once enough time has passed, maybe you can try again with Jungwon. Properly. With better aim.
âYouâre a genius,â you tell Yunjin, the hope creeping back into your voice. âAn absolute genius. I could kiss you.â
âPlease donât, youâre covered in grass stains.â She nudges one of the bubble teas toward you with her foot. âDrink your tea. Hydrate. And then weâre going to brainstorm all the ways you can make yourself seem as unappealing as possible to a hot third-year informatics student.â
You grab the drink and take a long sip, the sweetness settling something in your chest. For the first time in three days, you feel something other than panic. You feel strategic. You feel determined. Lee Heeseung might think youâre cute and brave and worthy of a coffee date, but he hasnât met the version of you thatâs about to emerge, a version so bland, so uninteresting, so aggressively mediocre that heâll run in the opposite direction before the week is out.
âOkay,â you say, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. âOkay. Letâs do this. Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested starts now.â
Yunjin raises her bubble tea in a toast. âTo being boring.â
You clink your cup against hers. âTo being boring.â
Somewhere across campus Heeseung is still standing in the quad with a confused expression on his face and a lavender envelope in his pocket, wondering why the girl who supposedly has a crush on him just sprinted away like she was being chased by bears.
Heâs not used to this. Heâs not used to any of this.
And that, he realizes with a small, bemused shake of his head, is exactly what makes it so interesting.
âââââ
Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested lasted exactly four days before it encountered its first major obstacle.
That obstacle is approximately six feet tall, has flowing hair that falls perfectly across his forehead, and is currently walking directly toward your table in the cafeteria with a tray in his hands and a smile on his face that suggests he has absolutely no idea he's supposed to be losing interest in you.
You spot him approximately 2.3 seconds too late. By the time your brain registers the approaching danger, you are already mid-bite into a sad cafeteria sandwich, your mouth full of bread and lettuce and the dawning realization that you are trapped. There is no escape route. Your table is in the corner, surrounded on three sides by walls and on the fourth side by Heeseung's rapidly approaching form. You are a cornered animal. A very stupid, very panicked cornered animal with mayonnaise on her chin.
"Y/N!" Heeseung says your name like it's his favorite word, bright and warm and entirely too enthusiastic for someone who's supposed to be a notorious womanizer with a short attention span. "I was hoping I'd run into you. Mind if I sit?"
Mind if he sits? Of course you mind. You mind immensely. You mind with every fiber of your being. Sitting with Heeseung is the exact opposite of what Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested is supposed to accomplish. Sitting with Heeseung means talking to Heeseung, and talking to Heeseung means opportunities to accidentally charm him, and charming him is categorically Not The Goal.
But Heeseung is already pulling out the chair across from you, and his smile is so genuine, and there's a tiny bit of what looks like grease on his cheekbone that suggests he's just come from some kind of engineering lab, and you are weak. You are so, so weak.
"Go ahead," you hear yourself say, and then immediately want to punch yourself in the face.
Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested, Day Four, 12:34 PM: catastrophic failure already in progress.
Heeseung settles into the chair with an easy grace, setting his tray down and immediately stealing one of your fries like you're old friends who share food on a regular basis. You watch the fry disappear into his mouth and feel a small part of your soul leave your body.
"So," he says, leaning back and studying you with those dark, unreadable eyes. "You ran away from me pretty fast the other day. Should I be worried? Do I have something on my face?"
He doesn't. He absolutely doesn't. He has the kind of face that belongs on a billboard, all sharp angles and soft edges and that one little mole on his forehead that you are definitely not noticing because noticing things about Heeseung's face is counterproductive to the mission.
"No," you say quickly. "No, you're fine. Your face is fine. I mean, you don't have anything on your face. I just remembered I had somewhere to be. Very suddenly. It was urgent."
"An urgent⊠lab class?" Heeseung's lips twitch. "That's what you said, right? An urgent lab class on a Thursday afternoon?"
Your face heats. "Yes. Exactly. Lab class. Very urgent. Science doesn't wait."
"Mmm." He pops another one of your fries into his mouth. "Well, the good news is, you don't look like you're in a hurry right now. So we can actually talk. You know, like normal people who are supposedly getting to know each other?"
Right. Getting to know each other. Because you confessed to him. Because he thinks you like him. Because you're living in an elaborate lie of your own making.
This is your chance, though. This is the perfect opportunity to implement Phase One of the Make Him Uninterested plan: Be Weird and Off-Putting. You just have to be the most boring, strange, unappealing version of yourself that you can possibly imagine. How hard can it be?
Pretty hard, as it turns out, because your brain chooses this exact moment to go completely blank.
"So," Heeseung says, apparently unbothered by your silence, "tell me about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? Besides writing beautiful love letters and then running away from the recipient?"
You choke on your own saliva. Just⊠straight up choke on nothing, like a cartoon character. "I don'tâŠthat wasn'tâŠI do normal things. Normal fun things. Like⊠watching paint dry. And counting ceiling tiles. Very relaxing. You should try it."
"There are forty-seven in this cafeteria," you say, doubling down with the desperate energy of someone who has already committed to the bit. "Forty-eight if you count the one that's partially covered by that vent over there. But some people don't count partial tiles. It's a philosophical debate, really."
"Fascinating," Heeseung says, and the worst part is that he sounds like he actually means it. "What else?"
What else? What else can you say that will make you sound completely unappealing? You cast around for inspiration, your eyes landing on your sandwich. Okay. Fine. If words can't do the job, maybe actions can.
You pick up your sandwich with both hands and take the weirdest bite you can physically manage, mouth open slightly too wide, chewing with exaggerated jaw movements, making an unfortunate amount of noise in the process. You feel like a cow. You look like a cow. You are embodying the spirit of a cow, and surely, surely, this is enough to make any self-respecting hot informatics student run for the hills.
Heeseung watches you chew. His expression doesn't change.
"Good sandwich?" he asks mildly.
"Mmf," you say, still chewing, still being a cow. "Very good. I love-"
And then the lettuce hits the back of your throat.
You don't know how it happens. One moment you're chewing normally, well, abnormally, but in a controlled way and the next moment a piece of lettuce stages a rebellion and lodges itself directly in your windpipe. Your eyes go wide. Your hand flies to your throat. You make a sound that is somewhere between a wheeze and a honk.
"Y/N?" Heeseung's amused expression shifts to concern. "Are you okay?"
You are not okay. You are choking. You are choking on lettuce in front of Lee Heeseung in the middle of the cafeteria, and this is how you're going to die.
Heeseung is on his feet now, moving around the table with surprising speed. "Hey, hey, can you breathe? Do you need me to-"
You shake your head frantically, still making dying cow noises, and grab your water bottle with shaking hands. The first gulp does nothing. The second gulp, by some miracle, dislodges the lettuce just enough for you to cough it up into a napkin with all the grace and dignity of a cat hacking up a hairball.
Silence.
The entire cafeteria, you're convinced, is staring at you. In reality, probably only a few nearby tables have noticed, but it feels apocalyptic. You sit there, red-faced and teary-eyed, clutching a napkin full of your own near-death experience, and want the floor to open up and swallow you whole.
Heeseung kneels beside your chair, one hand hovering near your shoulder like he isn't sure if touching you would be welcome. "Hey. You're okay. You're okay, right? Do you need me to get you anything? More water? A doctor? A new sandwich without lettuce?"
His voice is gentle. Genuinely gentle. Not the smooth, charming tone you expect from someone with his reputation, but something softer, something that sounds almost like real concern.
"I'm fine," you croak, your voice ravaged. "I'm fine. That happens. All the time. I'm very bad at eating. It's one of my traits."
"One of your traits," Heeseung repeats, and the corner of his mouth twitches despite his obvious worry. "Being bad at eating?"
"It's a lifestyle choice."
He laughs. Not a polite chuckle or a mocking snicker, but a real laugh, surprised and bright and completely unguarded. He sits back down in his chair, shaking his head, and looks at you with something that is definitely not boredom or disinterest.
"You're really something else, you know that?"
You don't know how to respond to that, so you don't. You just sit there, still clutching your napkin of shame, and wonder how Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested has somehow resulted in him laughing at your jokes and looking at you like you're the most entertaining thing he's encountered all week.
"So," Heeseung says, propping his chin on his hand, "I've been wondering. What made you decide to confess to me? Was there a specific moment? Something I did?"
Oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
This is the worst possible question he could ask. You can't tell him the truthâŠI didn't mean to confess to you, I meant to confess to your friend, you just happened to be sitting in the wrong place at the wrong time, please don't hate meâŠbut you also can't just⊠not answer. He's looking at you expectantly, his dark eyes curious and open, and you have approximately three seconds to come up with a convincing lie before the silence becomes too awkward to recover from.
"Your⊠kindness," you say, grasping at straws. "You're very⊠kind. To everyone. I noticed."
Heeseung tilts his head. "My kindness?"
"Very kind," you repeat, nodding vigorously. "So kind. The kindest. I saw you⊠hold a door open for someone once. It was⊠inspiring."
"I held a door open."
"A door. Yes. It was a very heavy door. And you held it. For a long time. Multiple people went through. It was very impressive."
Heeseung stares at you for a moment, and you stare back, your face burning, your soul evacuating your body. This is it. This is the moment he realizes you are completely unhinged and decides to never speak to you again. This is the victory of Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested.
"That'sâŠ" Heeseung starts, and then pauses. "That's the first time anyone's ever confessed to me because I held a door open. Usually I get compliments about my face. Or my voice. One girl told me I had a nose made to be sat on, which I still don't fully understand."
"Your node is⊠fine," you say weakly. "I didn't notice your nose. Or your face at all. Just the door. The door was the important part."
"A door," Heeseung says, and that smile is spreading across his face again, the one that makes him look less like a notorious player and more like someone who has just found a particularly entertaining puzzle. "You wrote me a three-page love letter because I held a door open."
"The calligraphy alone took a week," you say, and immediately regret it.
Heeseung laughs again, and this time it's softer, almost wondering. "You're not what I expected," he says. "At all."
"Is that⊠good or bad?"
"I haven't decided yet." But he's still smiling, and his eyes are still fixed on you with that curious intensity, and you're starting to get the sinking feeling that everything you do, no matter how strange or off-putting you try to be, is having the exact opposite effect of what you intend.
You need a new strategy. Something foolproof. Something so aggressively unappealing that even the most determined people-pleaser can't pretend to be interested.
And then, like a gift from the gods of social awkwardness, the topic of video games comes up.
Heeseung mentions something about blowing off steam after a tough assignment by playing a few rounds of something, and the question slips out before you can stop it: "Wait, do you play League of Legends?"
He raises an eyebrow. "Sometimes. You?"
And that's it. That's the moment the dam breaks.
You don't mean to start geeking out. It just happens. One moment you're thinking be boring, be uninteresting, be bland, and the next moment you're fifteen minutes deep into an impassioned monologue about the current meta, the problems with the jungle role, and why Riot Games needs to nerf a specific champion into the ground before she single-handedly destroys the competitive scene.
"-and don't even get me started on the new items, because the balance team clearly doesn't play their own game, which is fine, whatever, it's not like I have strong opinions about it except I absolutely do, and I wrote an entire essay about it on the subreddit that got like two thousand upvotes, so clearly I'm not the only one who thinks the armor penetration scaling is completely broken-"
You stop.
You stop because you have just realized, with dawning horror, that you have been talking for an incredibly long time without letting Heeseung get a single word in. You have been gesticulating. You have been making sound effects. At one point, you're pretty sure you drew a diagram on a napkin to illustrate the optimal jungle pathing route.
This is it. This is definitely, absolutely it. There is no way a hot third-year informatics student wants to listen to a first-year STEM girl rant about video game balance for fifteen straight minutes. Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested has just achieved its first genuine success.
You brace yourself for the polite excuse, the awkward glance at his phone, the slow backing away.
Instead, Heeseung leans forward, resting his elbows on the table, and says: "Okay, but hear me out, what if the armor penetration scaling isn't the problem, and it's actually the base damage values that need to be adjusted? Because if you look at the win rate data across different elos, the issue isn't consistent at all levels of play."
You blink.
"I main ADC," he adds, as if this is a perfectly normal confession. "So trust me, I feel your pain about the jungle situation. Do you know how many times I've been left to solo dragon because my jungler was AFK farming? Too many. Too many times."
"You⊠main ADC?"
"Vayne and Kai'Sa mostly. Sometimes Jhin if I'm feeling dramatic."
You have no response to this. Your brain has short-circuited somewhere around the phrase "win rate data across different elos," and it's still rebooting.
"Your essay on the subreddit," Heeseung continues, pulling out his phone. "What was the title? I want to read it. I love seeing well-reasoned arguments about game balance, and honestly, most of what gets posted is just people complaining without any actual data to back it up."
"It was⊠it was called The Current State of Armor Penetration: A Statistical Analysis and Why I'm Losing My Mind," you say faintly.
Heeseung types something into his phone, scrolls for a moment, and then his face lights up. "Found it. Two thousand three hundred upvotes and fourteen awards? That's impressive. Wait, you made graphs? You made graphs?"
"I was very passionate about the subject."
"Passionate," Heeseung repeats, looking up from his phone with an expression you can't quite read. "Yeah. I'm starting to get that about you."
He tucks his phone away and smiles at you, and it isn't the smooth, practiced smile you expect from the campus womanizer. It's something smaller. Something realer. Something that makes your stomach do a weird, traitorous flip that you immediately try to suppress.
"You know," he says, tilting his head as he studies you, "you remind me of a mouse."
Your brain screeches to a halt. "A⊠mouse?"
"Yeah. A little field mouse. The way your nose scrunches up when you're thinking, and how you get all twitchy and skittish when you're nervous. It's cute. It's really cute."
Cute. He calls you cute. He compares you to a rodent and somehow makes it sound like a compliment, and worst of all, worst of all, you can feel a traitorous blush spreading across your cheeks like wildfire.
"I'm notâŠI don'tâŠmice are not cute. Mice are pests. They carry diseases. I'm basically a health hazard."
Heeseung laughs, and it's the same genuine laugh from before, and he's looking at you like you're the most entertaining thing he's seen in years. "A health hazard. Right. Well, consider me warned."
He stands up, gathering his tray, and for one beautiful, hopeful moment, you think the ordeal is over. But then he pauses, looking down at you with that unreadable expression, and says the words that haunt you for the rest of the day:
"I was interested before, but now?" He shakes his head, still smiling. "Now I'm really interested. See you around, little mouse."
And then he walks away, leaving you alone at your corner table with a half-eaten sandwich, a napkin full of regurgitated lettuce, and the sinking realization that Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested is not only failing, it's backfiring spectacularly.
You try to be weird, and he calls you cute.
You try to be boring, and he engages with your niche gaming opinions.
You try to choke to death in front of him, and he kneels beside your chair with genuine concern in his eyes.
You bang your forehead against the cafeteria table once, twice, three times, not caring who sees. This is a disaster. This is an unmitigated, unprecedented, absolutely catastrophic disaster. Hana's plan was supposed to work. Heeseung was supposed to get bored. He was supposed to move on. He was not supposed to look at you like you're a puzzle he wants to solve, or call you a mouse in a tone of voice that makes your heart do gymnastics, or read your League of Legends essay and compliment your graphs.
You need to regroup. You need to call an emergency meeting with Yunjin. You need to figure out a new strategy before this situation spirals even further out of control.
But first, you need to go to the library and return the books that are due today before you accrue another fine, because no matter how catastrophic your love life becomes, the university library shows no mercy.
âââââ
The library is your sanctuary. It always has been, a quiet, climate-controlled haven where the smell of old paper and the soft hum of fluorescent lights can soothe even the most tensed of nerves. After the cafeteria incident, you need sanctuary more than ever. You slip through the main doors with your stack of books clutched to your chest, inhaling the familiar scent of knowledge and dust, and feel some of the tension begin to ease from your shoulders.
Everything is fine. Everything is going to be fine. You return your books, you find Yunjin, you regroup, and you figure out a way to-
"Y/N?"
The voice comes from somewhere to your left, and you know that voice. You know it the way a flower knows the sun, the way a compass knows north, the way a hopeless romantic knows the exact cadence of her crush's greeting.
Jungwon is sitting at a table near the history section, surrounded by a fortress of textbooks and loose papers. He's wearing glassesâŠglassesâŠand his hair is slightly mussed from what you assume is hours of intense studying, and he's looking at you with that smile, the one that crinkles the corners of his eyes and makes your entire nervous system short-circuit.
"Hey," he says, waving you over. "What are you doing here?"
Existing in the same space as you, you think. Breathing the same air. Trying not to spontaneously combust.
"Returning books," you say, holding up your stack as evidence. "I have some overdue ones. The library fines are no joke."
"Tell me about it. I had to pay fifteen thousand won last semester because I forgot about a book I'd checked out for a research paper." Jungwon winces at the memory. "My wallet still hasn't recovered."
"That's brutal."
"The library giveth, and the library taketh away."
You laugh, and it comes out surprisingly normal, not too loud, not too high-pitched, just a regular human laugh from a regular human person who is definitely not having an internal meltdown about how good Jungwon looks in glasses.
"Hey," Jungwon says, glancing at the empty chair across from him, "if you're not in a hurry, do you want to study together? I've been here for three hours and my brain is starting to melt. It would be nice to have some company."
Your heart stops.
Yang Jungwon, the Yang Jungwon, the owner of the smile and the laugh and the gummy bears at 2 AM is asking you to study with him. This is the kind of moment you've daydreamed about for months. This is a meet-cute in progress. This is the universe throwing you a lifeline after the cafeteria disaster, a chance to actually spend time with the boy you've been pining over since midterms.
"Yes," you say, before your brain can remind you of all the reasons this is a terrible idea. "Yes, I'dâŠI'd love to. Let me just return these first."
You practically skip to the returns desk, your heart doing a full backflip in your chest. By the time you make it back to Jungwon's table, your philosophy textbook and notebook spread out in front of you, you've convinced yourself that this is exactly what you need. Some time with Jungwon. Some time to remember why you wrote that letter in the first place. Some time to reconnect with the feelings that got buried under the chaos of the Heeseung situation.
The only problem is that you can't focus on studying at all.
You try. You really, genuinely try. You open your textbook to the assigned chapter. You uncap your highlighter. You fix your eyes on the page and attempt to absorb information about ethical frameworks and moral philosophy. But your eyes keep drifting up, against your will, over the top of your book, to the boy sitting across from you.
Jungwon is studying. Actually studying, not fake studying, not pretending to study while secretly watching you the way you're watching him. His brow is furrowed in concentration, his pen moving steadily across his notebook as he takes notes. Every so often, he pauses, taps the end of his pen against his chin, and then resumes writing with renewed focus. The late afternoon light slants through the window behind him, catching the highlights in his dark hair and making him look like he's stepped out of a painting.
He is beautiful. He's so beautiful that it makes your chest ache, a soft, sweet ache that you've been carrying around since the moment you first saw him in this very library. You watch the way his fingers curl around his pen, the way he bites his lower lip when he's thinking, the way his glasses slide down his nose and he pushes them back up with an absent gesture.
"I can feel you looking at me," Jungwon says, not glancing up from his notebook.
Your entire body jolts like you've been electrocuted. "I wasn'tâŠI was justâŠthere's a clock behind you. I was checking the time."
Jungwon looks up then, and there's a knowing glint in his eyes that makes your stomach do a slow, somersaulting flip. "The clock is to your right, Y/N. Not behind me."
You look to your right. Sure enough, there's the clock, hanging on the wall in plain view, which you would have noticed if you'd spent even one second actually looking for it instead of gazing at Jungwon's face like a Renaissance painter studying their muse.
"I'm⊠directionally challenged," you say weakly.
"Uh-huh." Jungwon sets down his pen, and the smile playing at the corners of his mouth is soft and teasing and absolutely devastating. "Come here for a second."
"What?"
"Just come here. Lean forward a little."
Your body obeys before your brain can intervene. You lean across the table, your heart hammering so loudly you're certain the entire library can hear it. Jungwon leans forward too, closing the distance between you, and you catch a faint whiff of something clean and subtle, laundry detergent, maybe, or the kind of fragrance that just smells like him.
His hand reaches out, and before you can process what's happening, his index finger gently pokes your cheek.
"Boop," he says.
You make a sound. You don't know what the sound is supposed to be. Maybe a laugh, maybe a question, maybe a plea for mercy. What comes out is something closer to a squeak, a small, strangled, completely undignified squeak that would be embarrassing if you had any brain cells left to feel embarrassment.
Jungwon's smile widens, and his finger lingers on your cheek for just a moment longer than necessary. "You had an eyelash," he says. "Right there. But also, you just looked really cute staring at me like that. I couldn't resist."
Cute. He calls you cute. That's twice in one day that a devastatingly attractive boy has called you cute, and your hopeless romantic heart doesn't know whether to celebrate or go into cardiac arrest.
"I wasn't staring," you whisper, but it comes out completely unconvincing.
"You were absolutely staring." Jungwon withdraws his hand, but his smile stays, warm and fond and knowing. "It's okay. I don't mind. It's kind of nice, actually. Being looked at like that."
"Like what?"
"Like I'm something worth looking at."
The words settle into your chest like a stone dropping into still water, sending ripples through your entire body. He thinks it's nice. He thinks you're nice or at least your staring is nice and he pokes your cheek and calls you cute and now he's going back to his studying like he hasn't just fundamentally altered your brain chemistry.
You try to return to your textbook. The words swim in front of your eyes, meaningless and blurry. You highlight a sentence at random, realize you have no idea what it says, and highlight it again for good measure. The page is now approximately forty percent highlighter ink.
"You're going to run out of highlighter at that rate," Jungwon observes, not looking up.
"I have backups," you say. "I always have backups."
"Of course you do."
The studying session continues for another hour, and you absorb approximately zero information about ethical frameworks. What you do absorb is a comprehensive catalogue of Jungwon's study habits: the way he organizes his notes with color-coded tabs, the way he mutters to himself when he's working through a difficult concept, the way he absentmindedly drums his fingers against the table when he's thinking. Every detail is another entry in your mental Jungwon database, another thread in the tapestry of your affection.
By the time you pack up your things and say goodbye, "See you in philosophy," Jungwon says, and you respond with something that might be words or might be a series of enthusiastic nods, you are floating. You are literally, physically floating, your feet barely touching the ground as you drift out of the library and across campus toward your dorm.
Jungwon pokes your cheek. Jungwon calls you cute. Jungwon says he likes being looked at by you.
You are winning. Despite the Heeseung disaster, despite the cafeteria catastrophe, despite everything, you are winning.
By the time you reach your dorm room, you are a mess of giddy energy with nowhere to go. You close the door behind you, throw your backpack onto your desk chair, and then proceed to wriggle across your bed like an ecstatic worm, kicking your feet and muffling your squeals into your pillow.
"He called me cute," you whisper to your empty room, your voice muffled by fabric. "He poked my cheek. He did the boop thing. The boop thing, you guys. Who does the boop thing? Adorable people, that's who. Perfect people. People with beautiful smiles and kind eyes and-"
You roll onto your back, staring at the ceiling with a dreamy expression. The ceiling has forty-three tiles in your room. You counted them on your first night in the dorm. But right now, all you can see is Jungwon's face, the way he looked at you across the library table, the way his finger felt against your cheek, the way his voice went soft when he said like I'm something worth looking at.
You are going to marry him. You are going to marry Yang Jungwon and have a beautiful wedding with string lights and wildflowers and a three-tier cake, and you will tell the story of how you stared at him in the library and he poked your cheek and-
You stop wriggling.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
You can't marry Jungwon. You can't even confess to Jungwon, because Jungwon thinks you confessed to Heeseung. Jungwon thinks you're interested in someone else. Jungwon was sweet and friendly and maybe a little bit flirty, but that's just his personality. He's nice to everyone. He gives you gummy bears at 2 AM; he probably gives gummy bears to everyone who looks tired. You aren't special. You are just⊠there.
The giddiness begins to drain out of you, replaced by the familiar weight of reality. You are still trapped in the Heeseung situation. You are still the girl who confessed to the wrong person. And no matter how many times Jungwon pokes your cheek, that fundamental fact isn't going to change.
With a heavy sigh, you drag yourself through your evening routine: shower, skincare, the episode of the baking show you're halfway through and finally crawl into bed around midnight, your emotions a tangled knot of hope and despair.
Sleep comes slowly, a gradual descent into darkness, and then-
âââââ
You are in the PC room again.
But this time it's different. The lights are dimmer, the computers all dark, the chairs empty. It's just you, and the door is swinging shut behind you, and there's someone waiting at the computer closest to the door.
Heeseung.
He's sitting in the chair, facing away from you, his headphones around his neck and his shoulders relaxed. When he hears your footsteps, he turns, and his expression isn't surprised or amused or curious. It's something else entirely. Something darker. Something that makes your breath catch in your throat.
"You're here," he says, and his voice is lower than you've ever heard it, a rumble that vibrates through your bones. "I've been waiting for you, little mouse."
"I'm not-" you start, but he's already standing, already moving toward you, and you can't seem to make your feet work. You're rooted to the spot, watching him approach with a mixture of fear and something else, something you don't want to name.
He stops inches away from you, close enough that you can feel the warmth radiating from his body, close enough that you can see the individual strands of his hair and the curve of his lips and the way his eyes, God, his eyes are fixed on your mouth.
"You know what I've been thinking about?" he murmurs, and one of his hands comes up to brush a strand of hair away from your face, his fingers lingering against your temple. "I've been thinking about that letter. The way you said you only had eyes for me. The way you said you couldn't stop thinking about me."
"That wasn't-" you try, but your voice comes out as barely a whisper, and Heeseung's thumb is tracing along your jawline now, feather-light and devastating.
"I can't stop thinking about you either," he says, and his face is getting closer, closer, and you can feel his breath against your lips. "Do you want to know what I think about?"
Your heart is hammering. Your skin is on fire. You can't move, can't speak, can't do anything except stare up at him with wide eyes as his other hand settles on your waist, warm and solid and pulling you closer.
"I think about this," he whispers, and then his mouth is on yours.
The kiss isâŠit'sâŠ
It's intense. It's consuming. It's the kind of kiss that erases every rational thought from your brain and replaces it with pure, unfiltered sensation. His lips are soft but insistent, moving against yours with a confidence that makes your knees weak. His hand tightens on your waist, pulling you flush against him, and you make a sound against his mouth, something small and breathless and completely involuntary.
When he finally pulls back, his forehead resting against yours, his voice is rough. "Youâre what Iâve been looking for my whole life, Y/N. Youâre my miracle."
And then his lips are on your neck, trailing fire down to your collarbone, and your head falls back, and his name escapes your mouth in a way you've never said it before-
He kneels before you, his movements fluid and deliberate. His eyes never leave yours as he unzips his jeans, freeing his already hard cock. It stands proud and thick, the tip glistening with pre-cum. He takes your foot in his warm hand, bringing it to his shaft.
"Look what you do to me," he murmurs, his voice husky with desire. He wraps your foot around his length, his thumb pressing against your arch as he begins to move your foot up and down his cock. His eyes flutter closed for a moment, a low groan escaping his lips.
The sensation of his hot skin against your sole sends shivers through your body. You watch, mesmerized, as he uses your foot to pleasure himself, his hips thrusting in rhythm with the movements of your foot. His other hand moves to your ankle, his grip firm but gentle, his fingers stroking your sensitive skin.
His eyes open, locking with yours again, and the intensity in his gaze makes your breath catch. "You're so beautiful," he breathes, his movements becoming faster, more urgent. "Youâre perfect the way you are."
His breathing grows ragged, his muscles tensing. With a guttural moan, he comes, his hot release spilling over your foot and his hand. He leans forward, his tongue darting out to taste his own cum from your skin, his movements slow and sensual. He licks your foot clean, his tongue tracing patterns on your arch, between your toes, sending waves of pleasure through your body.
Then he shifts, positioning himself between your legs. He looks up at you, his eyes dark with desire. "I need to taste you," he says, his voice rough with need.
He hooks his fingers into the waistband of your panties, pulling them down slowly, his eyes never leaving yours. He tosses them aside, then leans in, his breath hot against your most sensitive flesh.
His tongue flicks out, teasing your clit, and you gasp, your hands flying to his hair. He chuckles, the vibration sending another jolt of pleasure through you. "Patience, little mouse," he murmurs against your skin.
His tongue moves in slow, deliberate circles, building your pleasure gradually. He alternates between broad, flat strokes and quick, precise flicks of his tongue against your clit. His fingers join in, one, then two, sliding inside you, curling to hit that spot that makes you cry.
Your hips buck against his face, your breath coming in ragged gasps. "Heeseung," you moan, your fingers tightening in his hair.
He responds with increased enthusiasm, his tongue working faster, his fingers pumping in and out of you. The pressure builds inside you, a coil of pleasure winding tighter and tighter until it snaps.
You come with a cry, your body convulsing as waves of pleasure wash over you. But Heeseung doesn't stop. He continues his assault on your senses, his tongue and fingers working in perfect harmony to bring you to the edge again.
And then you are squirting, your release flooding his mouth and chin as he drinks you in, his movements never faltering. He looks up at you, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction as he laps up every drop.
When he finally pulls away, his face glistening with your juices, he crawls up your body, capturing your lips in a searing kiss. You can taste yourself on his tongue, and the intimacy of it sends another wave of desire through you.
"Tell me youâre only thinking of me," he whispers against your lips, his hands roaming your body. "and not Jungwon."
You wake up.
You wake up in your dorm room, in your bed, at 7:43 AM on a Tuesday morning, with your heart pounding and your skin flushed, your panties soaked and your sheets twisted around your legs like they've been through a battle.
For a long moment, you just lie there, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember how to breathe.
Did you just⊠did you just dream about⊠did Lee Heeseung, the guy you're supposed to be making uninterested in you, the guy you've been trying to avoid and ignore and repel, just star in what can only be described as an extremely obscene dream? The virgin you are just cringed at the memory.
You press your hands to your burning cheeks and let out a sound that is somewhere between a groan and a scream.
"No," you whisper to the empty room. "No, no, no. This isn't, this can'tâŠI don't even like him. I like Jungwon. Jungwon! I've liked Jungwon for four months. I wrote a letter to Jungwon. I have a color-coded mental database of Jungwon's habits. I want to marry Jungwon and have a three-tier wedding cake with wildflowers!"
But your brain, traitorous and unhelpful, keeps replaying fragments of the dream, the way Heeseung's eyes go dark, the way his voice rumbles against your ear, the way his hand feels on your waist, the way his tongue is warm and-
You grab your pillow and press it over your face, screaming into it with all the force your lungs can muster.
This is wrong. This is so, so wrong. You are a Jungwon girl. You've always been a Jungwon girl. You don't think about Heeseung like that. You don't think about Heeseung like anything. Heeseung is an obstacle. Heeseung is a problem to be solved. Heeseung is the guy you're actively trying to repel, not the guy who shows up in your subconscious and does things that make you blush in the privacy of your own bed.
"I'm a psychopath," you say to your pillow. "I'm a complete and utter psychopath. Who dreams about this with a guy they're supposed to be making uninterested? A psychopath, that's who. A deranged lunatic. A person with a broken brain."
Your pillow, predictably, does not respond.
You drag yourself out of bed and into the bathroom, splashing cold water on your face and avoiding your own reflection in the mirror. You don't want to look at yourself. You don't want to see the evidence of the dream still lingering in your flushed cheeksâŠand between your legs.
This is a problem. This is a Major Problem with capital letters and possibly a warning siren. You can't afford to be having dreams about Lee Heeseung. You can't afford to be thinking about Lee Heeseung at all. Your entire strategy, Operation Make Heeseung Uninterested depends on you being able to keep a clear head and a steady heart, and neither of those things is going to be possible if your subconscious keeps ambushing you with extremely vivid, extremely inappropriate content.
You need to talk to Yunjin. Immediately. Before your brain can conjure up any more unauthorized imagery.
But as you grab your phone and type out a frantic message, EMERGENCY MEETING REQUIRED IMMEDIATELY CODE RED REPEAT CODE RED, you can't quite shake the lingering sensation from the dream.
The way Heeseung's thumb traces along your jawline.
The way he calls you little mouse in that low, rumbling voice.
The way he says you were perfect the way you were like he means it, like it's true, like he's been into you his whole life and hasn't even known it.
You shake your head violently, flinging droplets of water across the bathroom mirror.
"Nope," you say out loud. "Nope, nope, nope. We're not doing this. We're not thinking about this. We're going to go to class and eat lunch and avoid all tall informatics students, and we're going to get our brain back on the Jungwon track where it belongs."
But even as you say it, even as you try to mean it, a small, treacherous part of you wonders if maybe, just maybe, the Jungwon track isn't the only track worth following anymore.
You shove that thought into a mental box, lock it, and throw away the key.
You have a plan. You have a strategy. You are going to make Heeseung uninterested, and you are going to figure out a way to untangle the misunderstanding, and you are going to end up with Jungwon like you were always supposed to.
The dream is just a dream. It doesn't mean anything. It can't mean anything.
You refuse to let it mean anything.
(But when you catch yourself glancing toward the informatics building on your way to class, you walk a little faster, and you definitely, absolutely, one hundred percent do not wonder what Lee Heeseung is doing right now.)
âââââ
The dream haunts you for three days.
Not in a supernatural, ghost-in-the-corner kind of way. More in an I-can't-make-eye-contact-with-my-own-reflection kind of way. Every time you close your eyes, fragments of it flicker behind your eyelids like a movie you hadn't asked to watch. The dark PC room. The way Heeseung's voice drops to a rumble. The phantom sensation of his tongue on your clit, his hand on your ankle, his look-
You physically convulse every time the memory resurfaces, which is approximately every forty-five minutes. Your philosophy notes become a graveyard of distracted doodles, half of which look suspiciously like the curve of someone's jaw. You have to throw away an entire page because you accidentally write "little mouse" in the margin instead of "moral relativism."
Yunjin is no help whatsoever.
"So you had a wet dream about the hot guy who youâre supposedly getting bored of," she says over bubble tea the day after the incident, her expression thoroughly unimpressed. "This is a problem becauseâŠ?"
"Because I don't like him, Yunjin! I like Jungwon! I've liked Jungwon since midterms! Jungwon is the goal! Jungwon is the three-tier wedding cake!"
"And Heeseung is�"
"A temporary obstacle! A misunderstanding with legs! A very tall, very inconvenient plot twist!"
Yunjin sucks on her tapioca pearls with the air of a therapist who has heard it all before and is no longer surprised by anything. "You know what they say about protesting too much."
"I am not protesting too much. I am protesting exactly the right amount. I am protesting a perfectly calibrated quantity."
"Sure." She pats your hand with condescending sympathy. "Whatever helps you sleep at night. Oh wait-"
You throw a tapioca pearl at her face. It sticks to her cheek for a solid three seconds before falling off, and the look of absolute betrayal on her face is the only bright spot in your otherwise nightmare-plagued week.
But now it's Thursday. Thursday, 2:15 PM. You're stationed in the science building's main hallway, crouched behind a bulletin board that is absolutely not wide enough to hide your entire body, waiting for the coast to clear so you can sprint to your next class without encountering any tall informatics students.
You're just about to make your move, a quick dash to the stairwell, then up two flights, then a straight shot to classroom 307, when you hear it.
"Hey, is Y/N L/N in there?"
Your blood freezes. Your muscles lock. Your soul briefly departs your body and then slams back into it with force.
That's Heeseung's voice. That's unmistakably, undeniably, catastrophically Lee Heeseung's voice, and it's coming from approximately ten feet to your left, where the door to your department's main office stands open.
You press yourself harder against the bulletin board, praying for invisibility, praying for a sudden power outage, praying for the ground to open up and swallow you into its merciful embrace. None of these things happen. Instead, you hear the department secretary respond with cheerful obliviousness.
"Y/N L/N? First year, STEM? I think I saw her in the hallway just a minute ago. Let me check, oh, there she is! Y/N! You have a visitor!"
The secretary is pointing directly at your bulletin board. Your bulletin board that is not hiding you at all. Your bulletin board that is, in fact, leaving approximately seventy percent of your body completely visible to anyone who happens to look in that direction.
Heeseung turns.
Your eyes meet.
Time stops.
There are moments in life that feel like they stretch into eternity, moments so profoundly awkward, so cosmically embarrassing, that the universe itself seems to pause and take notice. This is one of those moments. You are frozen in a half-crouch behind a bulletin board, your backpack dangling from one shoulder, your hair escaping from the ponytail you threw it into this morning, your expression one of pure, unfiltered terror. Heeseung is standing in the doorway of the department office, looking unfairly attractive in a simple black hoodie and jeans, his eyebrows rising slowly toward his hairline.
A small crowd of students has paused in the hallway to watch. You can feel their eyes on you like a physical weight. Someone whispers something to their friend. Someone else pulls out their phone.
You are going to die. You are going to perish right here in the science building hallway, and your ghost will be doomed to haunt this bulletin board for all eternity.
"Y/N?" Heeseung's voice is a mixture of confusion and amusement. He takes a step toward you, and you instinctively take a step back, which results in you bumping directly into the bulletin board and causing several flyers to flutter dramatically to the ground. "Were you⊠hiding behind that?"
"No," you say, too quickly. "No, I wasâŠI dropped something. A contact lens. I was looking for my contact lens."
"You don't wear contacts."
"I might! You don't know my life!"
"Your glasses are literally on your face right now."
You reach up and touch your glasses, which are indeed sitting on your nose, clearly visible, doing their job of correcting your vision. You have no response to this. There is no response to this. You have been caught in a lie so transparent it's essentially a window.
Heeseung's lips twitch. "You know, most people who have a crush on me don't run away and hide behind furniture. This is very confusing for my ego."
The crowd is still watching. Why is the crowd still watching? Don't they have classes to go to? Midterms to study for? Lives to live that don't involve spectating your public humiliation?
"I wasn't hiding from you specifically," you say, because apparently your mouth has decided to operate independently from your brain. "I was hiding from⊠the sun. It's very bright in here. I'm photosensitive."
"You're a STEM student hiding from the sun in a basement hallway with no windows," Heeseung says slowly. "That's⊠a new one."
"It's a medical condition. It's very serious. My doctor says I need to avoid direct fluorescent lighting."
"The fluorescent lighting is what's getting you."
"Absolutely. It's my greatest enemy. Well, second greatest. After-" You stop yourself before you can say after incredibly hot informatics students who keep appearing in my life like a recurring nightmare.
Heeseung waits. When you don't finish the sentence, that smile, the one that's definitely a smirk's second cousin, maybe even its first cousin at this point, spreads across his face.
"Well," he says, "now that I've found you and dragged you out of the shadows, literally, I was wondering if you wanted to grab coffee. With me. Right now."
Every single person in the hallway is looking at you. The secretary is looking at you from the office doorway, her expression one of grandmotherly delight at what she clearly perceives as a romantic overture. The students who stopped to watch are exchanging glances and whispers. One girl gives you an encouraging thumbs up.
You are trapped. You are cornered. You are a mouse being offered coffee by a very tall, very persistent cat.
And just like every other time Heeseung has put you on the spot, you open your mouth and the wrong words come out.
"I love coffee," you say. "Coffee is my favorite liquid. After water. And possibly juice. But it's definitely in the top three."
â° genre. â early 2000s au, best friend's older brother, childhood friends to lovers, smut, light angst.
â° word count. â 7k+
â° warnings. â swearing, family issues, partying, mentions of drinking/drugs, friendship betrayal (?), smut [virginity loss, teasing, fingering, soft dom!hs, "i've waited so long for this" type shit], reader and hs are both 18+, minors dni. very cliche shit. reader doesnât know much abt sex tbh.
â° synopsis. â Love notes were slipped into your locker on a daily basis. Variations of messy, boyish handwriting on yellow sticky notes stacked upon themselves by the end of each school day. Every Friday night you were invited out with the promise of, "You'll have fun, just give it a chance."
You could have any guy you wanted, no doubt about it. Yet somehow, the only one you do want is the tattooed, gothic one that lives a few doors down from your best friend.
â° a/n. revamping this from my bts acc with heeseung this time bc im absolutely obsessed with this couple and need them to exist in every possible universe :P revamping part 2 as we speak and ill post in a few days hehe
Two monumental events had been etched into your brain for eternity, the first being sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet up with your friends at the community pool. The second is fifteen minutes upon arriving at the pool, seeing your best friend's older brother emerge from the chlorine-scented water as if he were Poseidon and realizing you were utterly infatuated by him.
Lee Chaeryeong isn't blind to this, immediately pulling you away from the crowd to question the longing gaze on your face. "Out of every fucking guy here with us, you're making eyes at my brother? You do know that Heeseung is completely gross, right?" She was so furious, you're surprised no steam was blowing from her ears.
Deny it all you want (and you certainly did within that fifteen-minute interrogation); Heeseung very clearly had a hold on you that lasted many years following that fateful night. He wasn't even your usual type; he wouldn't be caught dead around the guys you're typically drawn to. He had a rebellious side; maybe that's why getting him out of your head was nearly impossible.
Of course, the eternal guilt of falling for your best friend's older, dumbass brother is also difficult to get out of your head.
It can't be helped, really. Anytime you'd visit their home, your eyes would automatically wander through the crack of his doorway as you'd pass by. Whether he was messily cutting his dark hair while blasting Pierce the Veil from his speakers or giving himself a new Stick-and-Poke tattoo as he waited for a CD to finish burning, you long to break away from Chaeryeong for a moment to speak to him. Ask him about his day or if his band had any upcoming gigs. You'd even talk to him about paint drying if it meant you'd get to be in the same space as him.
So it's safe to say you were completely heartbroken when he left for college. Chaeryeong, however, is over the moon. Or so you think.
"⊠He's your brother, though. You don't think you're gonna miss him at all?" You ask, watching Chaeryeong delicately paint your fingernails a pretty shade of purple.
She shrugs, "I mean⊠it's definitely gonna be weird not seeing him around the house every day, but he'll still visit sometimes. Maybe."
Deep down, Chaeryeong knows Heeseung won't visit much. He'd been craving freedom and independence from their parents for ages, and moving away for college gave him the perfect opportunity to live as he pleased. They weren't fond of the clothes he wore or the friends he had, and absolutely couldn't bear the music his band makes. They criticized every little thing about him, and he'd finally be getting a break from them.
As you're about to ask Chaeryeong if she's okay, she stands from her bed, screwing the nail polish closed. "I'll be back. I have to let Bam out." Her voice is shaky, and she doesn't look at you as she exits the room.
You take the opportunity to make your way down the hall and to Heeseung's door, which he has conveniently left wide open as he scrolls on his desktop. His knees are pressed against his chest as he's heavily focused on editing his Facebook page. There's a rock song playing lightly from another tab that you can't quite identify; he uses his free hand to gently tap along to the beat of the music.
His room is covered in cardboard boxes, soon to be packed into his parents' minivan and making their way to the University of San Francisco dorms.
Your knuckles tap on his wooden door, your heart fluttering when he turns around, and you realize he's changed the ring on his lip from black to silver.
He nods at you, "What's up?"
"Nothing. I just know you're leaving in the morning, and I wanted to say bye. And wish you good luck, of course." You're not sure why you're so heartbroken. It's not like the two of you were ever a thing. It's not like this would be your last time seeing him. Why were you so upset?
"Cool, thanks." You assume that was his way of indirectly telling you to get out until he reaches into his desk drawer and says, "Catch," before tossing something towards you.
Careful not to mess up your manicure, you easily catch the item, unfolding what appears to be a purple bandanna. "What's this for?" You ask, inspecting the material in your palms.
"To remember me by, duh. Plus, it matches your nails.â
It'd be silly to tell him you genuinely don't need this because there was no way in hell you could ever forget about him. Instead, you clutch the bandana tightly in your fist and make a silent vow to keep it with you at all times; have a piece of him with you at all times.
You thank him and tell him it's nice, but all you can wonder is why he even wants you to remember him in the first place. Maybe you're overthinking. He probably just didn't care for the useless accessory anymore.
When you turn to leave, Heeseung stops you with a gentle call of your name. He turns his head in your direction, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. "Can I tell you something?"
"Anything." You whisper back, praying you don't sound overly desperate for a more extended interaction with him.
A beat of silence passes, and just as he opens his mouth to respond, Chaeryeong is stomping up the stairs and belting out your name. You gaze away from Heeseung to glance behind you, listening as his sister shouts about doing each other's makeup.
"Never mind, actually. It's not important." Heeseung interrupts, and you physically feel your heart sink to the floor.
You're about to be annoying and pry a response out of him until your eyes dart to his floor, and you see it. What slipped out from his drawer when he tossed the bandana at you.
A condom wrapper. An empty one, at that.
It's embarrassing how quickly your vision becomes glossy, salty tears threatening to release with each passing second. Of course, he's fucking someone. Of course, that person isn't you. Of fucking course.
You shouldn't be surprised; he's probably more into girls with a similar aesthetic. She's probably covered in tattoos and piercings, just like him. She's probably older than you and may even have her own car, unlike you, who still had to catch rides with your parents or older sister.
It's odd, though. You're not entirely naive; you know Heeseung definitely flirts with you here and there, catching his eye when his gaze lingers on you for a second too long. There's a noticeable tension between the two of you that even your parents have teased about. And this whole time, he's been screwing someone else?
Heeseung hangs out with so many girls it'd be useless to even attempt to uncover who this mystery person is. It's none of your business, anyway.
So you leave.
You tell Chaeryeong you'll get grounded if you're home past curfew, and with tear-stained cheeks, you run home.
The following day isn't any easier.
Chaeryeong posted a photo on FaceBook of herself and Heeseung posing together, arms wrapped around each other, with the caption "c u l8r alligator XD". The comments are already flooded with responses wishing Heeseung farewell, some from family members or friends of the siblings.
"Don't 4get abt me!!!!!! >:( "from a girl with red hair catches your eye because it's the only one Heeseung responded to. You can't bring yourself to read his full reply, fingers moving to quickly close the tab after seeing the word 'Never.'
It's probably her, you think to yourself, the one he's sleeping with.
Maybe it's for the best that Heeseung's moving away; it'll give you some time to get over him.
And you most certainly did.
The only time he ever crosses your mind is when Chaeryeong brings him up (which she rarely does) or when you pass by his empty bedroom. Deep down, you know you'll always care for Heeseung on some level, but time away from him was just what you needed. You were too attached to him for no fathomable reason, rejecting any guy interested in you with the premise of being loyal to a guy who didn't even want you. He'd probably been sneaking girls in through his window, with you a few doors down doing magazine quizzes with his sister; blissfully unaware of what was happening down the hall.
Youâre better off without him.
That's what you've been telling yourself daily until now. It's the start of summer vacation, and Heeseung's been summoned home to spend it with his family before Chaeryeong (and you) transfer to the University of San Francisco.
Heeseung was hesitant about coming home, as he always is. In constant fear that his parents have some elaborate plan for him to change his major or set him up with someone they deem acceptable, nothing like the girls he hangs around and probably invites back to his dorm.
It took days of convincing until Heeseung finally agreed to come home, under the premise that his parents' intentions were pure and that they simply wanted one last summer together before Chaeryeong moved away for college. They also hoped he'd be able to house-sit and watch over Chaeryeong for a few days as they took their annual anniversary trip to San Diego. That, however, took some bribing and the promise of gas money on their end.
He's not due to arrive until tomorrow morning, and you've convinced yourself there's no reason for you to see him right away. You'd be fine if the next time you saw him was in a few months as you're moving into your dorm. After years of longing, you've finally moved on from him.
Some of you have debated telling Chaeryeong about your past feelings for her brother, but there's no point. It was a one-sided relationship with absolutely zero depth, nothing worth discussing. So when she nudges your side and asks if you're interested in anyone, you reply with a shake of your head.
Chaeryeong has no reaction to this; she can't remember the last time you've been into anyone despite having the entire male population at your school practically throwing themselves at you. "Maybe you'll meet someone tonight."
She's referencing the house party you're going to, which she practically had to drag you out of your room to attend. Parties are different from your scene, especially on a day like today when you were hoping to have a girls' night with Chaeryeong. She had other plans, however.
"Maybe," you respond, sighing as the house you're attending is finally in your viewpoint. "We're not staying long, right? It looks packed."
Cars are parked throughout the street, one house, in particular, being the center of attention with loud music and drunk people decorating the front yard of a suburban-looking home. Chaeryeong looks as ecstatic as ever, looping her arm in yours and picking up her pace. She doesn't respond. It doesn't matter. Her response would've disregarded your concern.
One car catches your eye as you enter the unfamiliar house; it's parked towards the end of the street, and you swear you've been in it before. You're not able to dwell on it for too long, though, because Chaeryeong has to practically yank you through the front door.
Your nerves are at an all-time high. The music is entirely too loud, and there isn't a single sober person in sight. You're not sure how Chaeryeong even found out about this party, but you really wish she would've left you out of it. You'd go now if it were acceptable, but Chaeryeong would've stayed regardless, and you refuse to leave her alone. So, you push your feelings to the side and take her hand as she leads you towards the kitchen.
"Thirsty?" Chaeryeong questions, forcing a red solo cup into your hand.
"Not at all," you respond, sighing as Chaeryeong pours something into your cup.
"It's just ginger ale," she reassures you, "I don't think either of us should get drunk here." For once, she's being reasonable.
Chaeryeong suggests you do a lap around the house in hopes of running into people you may have gone to school with. And to your surprise, a decent amount of your past classmates have decided to attend. You feel more at ease with them around, a bit more comfortable now that you're around recognizable people. Although you initially hesitated to show up, you're glad you did.
"Anybody catch your eye yet? Or are you still breaking hearts?" Your old classmate, Yeoreum, questions.
You shake your head, about to explain that you're not interested in dating right now, until she gestures behind you. "That guy is pretty cute."
You shift on the couch, looking around until you spot who Yeoreum had been gesturing towards. You locate him finally, and she's right; he is cute. He just seems so familiar.
That's when it hits you.
"Oh my God," you whisper, eyes locked on him, and you slowly rise from the couch.
It's Heeseung. And the car you recognized was his. He's here. What is he doing here? He isn't due to be back until tomorrow morning.
You almost don't realize it's him until you spot the mole under his lip. He's grown his hair out and stopped dyeing it, the slew of tattoos that decorated his arm (God, did he start working out, too?) nicely connected, now creating a sleeve, and he's given himself an eyebrow piercing. Your feelings for him come rushing back in full force.
Panicked, you reach for Chaeryeong's hand, but she's nowhere to be found. Careful not to be seen by her brother, you bow your head slightly, passing through a crowd of sweaty bodies until you finally spot her kitty heels. She's leaned against a wall, swirling around her cup while flirting with some guy you'd seen around school a few times.
Creating some much-needed distance between the two, you tug Chaeryeong towards you. "I think I just saw your brother."
"What? No, he won't even be in the city until tomorrow morning."
Frustrated, you quickly search the crowd until your eyes land on him again. You ignore the fact that he's now speaking to some girl with red hair and tattoos scattered across her arm and point in their direction, "Well, then that guy looks just like him."
Chaeryeong squints her eyes in disbelief at the boy in question until the doubt becomes confusion, and the confusion becomes realization. "Oh my God! The fuck is he doing here?" She turns towards you as if you're supposed to have the answer.
"The fuck should I know? You said he wouldn't be here until tomorrow morning!"
"Because that's what he told our parents! How was I supposed to know he was gonna be here? I never would've come if I knew!"
"What are you guys doing here?" A voice you haven't heard in so long interrupts. You don't even want to turn around.
"What are you doing here?" Chaeryeong throws back, and the two stare at each other in angry silence for a moment until Heeseung steps to the side. "Upstairs," he says, nodding towards the staircase.
"Butâ"
"Go."
Chaeryeong's clearly aggravated but makes her way towards the stairs. You remain in place with your arms crossed, raising a brow in confusion when Heeseung looks at you. "What?"
"You too."
"I'm notâ"
"I'm not asking again," he says simply. You convince yourself that you only take his command because you don't feel like fighting. Definitely not because it's interesting to have him boss you around.
Trudging up the stairs behind Chaeryeong, you wait with her in the hallway until Heeseung arrives. "Come on," he says, entering a bathroom and turning the light on. Neither you nor Chaeryeong protest; there really isn't any point.
As soon as the door is shut, Chaeryeong is yelling at the top of her lungs. "What the fuck are you doing here?! You said you wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning! Mom and Dad had to push their trip back just to give you more time to arrive, and you're already fucking here?! The fuck is the matter with you?!"
"I'm not gonna respond if you're gonna be yelling like this." Heeseung says calmly, leaning against the sink, "Let me get my questions out first, then I'll answer any of yours, deal?"
Chaeryeong glances over at you, sitting on the bathtub's edge, and you nod. She returns her attention back to Heeseung, takes a deep breath, then agrees.
"Now, what are you guys doing here?! How'd you even get invited?! And you're drinking?!" The calm demeanor from earlier slips away in a matter of seconds, clearly a hoax just to get Chaeryeong to calm down enough to let him speak.
"It's just ginger ale, and we've barely even had any! We were invited by our friends, okay? We have just as much right to be here as you do."
Heeseung scoffs, clearly unamused. "Right, and I'm assuming Mom and Dad know you're here then, huh?"
Chaeryeong nervously tucks a hair behind her ear. You wonder why you even have to be in here with them. It's not like Heeseung is your brother, anyway.
"We told our parents that we were going to a birthday party at a friend's house." Chaeryeong mumbles, barely able to look Heeseung in the eye.
"And what did they say when they dropped you guys off?"
"They didn't drop us off," you interrupt, "we walked here."
"Well, I wasn't gonna tell him that." Chaeryeong glares at you, it takes every bone in your body to not to laugh at her.
You're so over this. You didn't want to attend this dumb party in the first place, and seeing Heeseung flirting with some girl who could've been his female counterpart was the icing on the cake. It doesn't matter if your feelings for him were gone before tonight; every little emotion you'd felt for him over the years had returned (as if they ever left).
"And how exactly did you two geniuses plan on getting home?"
"Same way we got here."
"Can you please just let me handle this? Jesus ChristâŠ" Chaeryeong shoots another frustrated glare at you, and you can't help but roll your eyes at her. She turns back towards her brother, "Can you answer my questions now?"
Heeseung's eyes anxiously dart around the cramped bathroom, landing on you a few times before he's slowly nodding his head. "Alright, Mom and Dad basically forced me to spend the whole summer here, and I kept asking myself why they were so persistent about it. They finally told me they needed me to watch over you and the house for their stupid trip. I had plans too, you know? That I had to derail for them. My band could've spent this summer touring, making real money, and now we can't. So, they wanna inconvenience me? I'll inconvenience them right back."
"âŠInconvenience them by doing what?" Chaeryeong asks the exact question you had.
Heeseung shrugs, "By telling them I'm gonna be arriving a day late, duh."
You and Chaeryeong exchange an awkward glance at one other before silently agreeing not to tease him about it. If this was his badass way of retaliating, who were you to rain on his parade?
"Are you gonna tell anyone you saw us here?" Chaeryeong questions, a noticible tremble in her voice.
"As long as you guys don't tell anyone you saw me."
It's a fair trade, you accept it. You're even more delighted when Heeseung says he's taking the two of you home. Chaeryeong, however, isn't too happy about this, claiming there were so many people she didn't get to speak to, and how'd this be the last time she'd get to see them before moving away for school. You're not sure if Chaeryeong is really good at getting what she wants, or if Heeseung was tired of hearing her complain, but he finally gives in and grants her ten more minutes to socialize before meeting him at his car.
"If you're not at my car in ten minutes, I swear to God I'm calling mom." Heeseung scolds, holding the bathroom door open as the three of you finally exit.
A loud, drunk voice suddenly shouts, "Woah, Heeseung! Two girls at the same time!? You fucking beast!"
"They're my sisters, you fucking pervert!" He shouts back.
You can't even dwell on how disgusting the original comment was, only being able to focus on the fact that Heeseung just referred to you as his sister. As conceited as it may sound, you're not used to rejection or guys putting you in the friend-zone. Whatever little game Heeseung had been playing with you over the years was completely new territory. And right when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, he calls you his sister.
What the actual fuck.
â
The next ten minutes go by in a blur; Chaeryeong has ditched you for a second time that night to talk to the guy from earlier. When it's finally time to leave, you find her Sat on his lap with her arm hung across his shoulder, laughing at an unfunny pickup line he'd used on her.
"It's time, Chaeryeong," you interrupt, helping her stand.
"Wait, wait, wait," she persists, directing her attention back to the boy, "tomorrow at five, right?"
"And not a second later." He sends her a disgusting wink that makes your skin crawl.
Chaeryeong is so love-struck you're surprised there isn't an arrow lodged in her back. She can barely form a proper sentence, erupting into a fit of giggles every few seconds as you make your way to Heeseung's car. "Wasn't he just gorgeous?"
You shrug, linking arms with her. "He was alright."
Stunned, Chaeryeong gasps at you, "Just alright? He was literally like a Greek God."
"I'm not saying he's unattractive; he's just...not really my type."
"And what is your type, Miss. Never-Has-Been-Interested-In-Anyone?"
Now, there's the question of the hour. You have to word your response very carefully; don't be too obvious about the fact that your ideal type is her older sibling.
"I guess I prefer guys with an edgier look to them, you know? Tattoos, piercings..." Despite your attempt to sound as nonchalant as possible, your heart is beating out of your chest from the mild confession.
Chaeryeong snickers, then playfully groans. "It sounds like you're describing my brother."
Now, you really have to test the waters.
"Since you brought him up, would it be so bad if I did like Heeseung? Hypothetically speaking, of course." You're not sure what prompts you to even ask this. It's not like he's even interested in you; he literally just referred to you as his sister.
A beat of silence passes as Chaeryeong gathers her thoughts, then she says, "No."
"What?"
You've finally reached Heeseung's car at this point, beating him there. You sit atop the trunk, feet hovering above the ground as the cold, nighttime air swirls around you. Chaeryeong shakes her head, "Obviously, it wouldn't be the ideal situation, but I guess I wouldn't mind as long as you talked to me about it first."
"First?" You mimic.
"Like...assuming you'd wanna date him or something. Just so I'm not blindsided, you know?"
This is the last thing you would've expected your impulsive, hotheaded (yet oh-so-loveable) best friend to be reasonable about. Mainly because she lectured you for nearly twenty minutes when she first suspected you had a crush on Heeseung.
You go to respond, but Heeseung, finally arriving at the car, captivates both of your attention. He finishes off his can of Pepsi before crushing the aluminum and tossing it to the ground. "Ready?" He questions.
There's no point in giving him a speech about littering; you're just ready to go home.
He fishes his keys from his pocket and unlocks the car door; Chaeryeong opens the backseat and jumps in before you have the chance, sprawling across the aged leather. "Move over," you nudge her foot with your knee; she pulls away from you.
Heeseung calls your name, "Just sit up front. She's not gonna move."
Now, this is new. You've ridden in the backseat of his car with Chaeryeong more times than you can count; he'd never allow either of you to sit shotgun with him; typical annoying older brother bullshit.
Don't make a big deal out of this, you say to yourself, climbing into the passenger seat of his car.
Chaeryeong and Heeseung bicker the entire ride to their parent's house, partially out of annoyance with each other, but you also get the feeling that neither of them were genuinely ready to leave the party. You're surprised Heeseung even enjoyed parties; he spent most of high school either working, hanging out at skate parks, or practicing with his band in their garage. College must've really changed him, and you're unsure how to feel about it.
Heeseung parks a few houses down from their parent's house and unlocks the doors, "Get out," he says into the backseat.
"Where are you gonna spend the night?" Chaeryeong questions, stretching her arms outward.
"I checked into a motel this morning. I'll be back here tomorrow around noon. And, hey," Heeseung turns around, pointing a finger at his sister. "Don't tell them you saw me."
Mockingly, Chaeryeong points a finger right back at him. "Telling them I saw you would be exposing myself, cock-sucker. Leave me alone." She angrily begins to climb out of the car, annoyed at how little trust Heeseung had in her.
You turn to go, but Heeseung's cold hand on your bicep stops you, "Where you goin'?"
"I'm gonna walk home from here. It's only a few minutes away," you respond.
Heeseung shakes his head, "I'm dropping you off. You haven't moved since I left, right?"
"No, but it's fiâ"
"Then your house is on the way to my motel. We're going in the same direction; might as well ride together."
It truly does make more sense to ride together, and rejecting his offer any further surely would raise suspicions. You don't want either of them to believe you'd feel uncomfortable being alone with Heeseung because that couldn't be farther from the truth. You're perplexed about your feelings now, and you don't want to do anything you'd regret just because of the confusion.
"Okay, then." You glance over your shoulder at Chaeryeong, "Will you need any help getting ready for your date tomorrow?"
Suddenly embarrassed, Chaeryeong shushes you, gesturing that Heeseung is literally right next to you and would prefer that he didn't hear about her dating life. Heeseung genuinely couldn't care less and is instead patiently waiting for his sister to get out.
She does finally, and Heeseung resumes his path to your house. He turns the radio on, switching between stations until he stops on one that's playing a song he's familiar with. You drive silently for a few minutes; the only sounds being heard are the distant noises from the car's motor and Heeseung humming along to the radio.
He breaks the silence by saying, "I was surprised to see you back there. You never really seemed like the type to enjoy parties."
You chuckle, "I could say the same for you; I don't remember you attending any in high school."
"That's 'cause house parties weren't my thing," he explains, "I went to raves or parties that would happen at the skate park. I don't really like being at someone else's house for too long; it feels too intimate."
Now that you think of it, skate park parties and raves seem much more like his scene.
"Well, I only went because Chaeryeong was going, and I didn't feel comfortable with her being there alone. Otherwise, I never would've gone." You admit, resting your head against the window.
"Thanks for looking after her, by the way. You're a good friend."
"I'd do anything for her." Your voice is barely a whisper now, getting quieter with every word you say.
Silence passes, and he says, "Did you know your guys' dorm room is gonna be right under ours?"
"Seriously?" You respond, genuinely curious.
"Mmm-hmm. My roommate, Sunghoon, and I are gonna be the worst upstairs neighbors ever." He teases as you roll your eyes. Your mind can't decipher whether this banter is playful & platonic or romantic. Everything Heeseung does confuses you.
"If that's the case, I'll be sure to move to an entirely new building."
"What, so you can have your boyfriend protect you?"
Pause. Boyfriend?
You nearly give yourself whiplash from how hard you spun around to look at Heeseung. "Boyfriend?" You ask.
He shrugs nonchalantly, keeping his eyes on the road. "I just assumed you'd have one by now. Do you?"
There he is again with his mind games. What the fuck was he talking about?
After letting out a very frustrated sigh, you mumble, "No, Heeseung, I do not have a boyfriend."
"Good. Focus on school."
Now he's pissing you off. You wish he'd shut up for the rest of the car ride. "It's nice to see you again, by the way."
Holy shit, you feel like jumping out the window.
"Yeah, great seeing you too. Oh, there's my house. I can walk from here." You make quick work of undoing your seatbelt.
"You sure? I can drop you off at the door."
"No, no. It's best if my parents don't see you so they don't accidentally tell your parents that they saw you." You lie, racking your brain for any excuse imaginable.
He nods, deciding it's best to drop you off a little further from your house. "Then, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"What?" You stop dead in your tracks, one hand clutching the door handle.
"Aren't you coming over tomorrow to help Chaeryeong get ready for herâŠthing? I'll be back home by then."
He's right; you'd be back in his house, and he'll be there this time. It's no big deal. You'd only be there for an hour (at most) to help her prepare, and then you could go the whole summer without seeing him again.
"Yeah, I'll see you then."
The following day, Chaeryeong is back to her unreasonable self, expecting you to wait at her house for her to return from her date.
"Please? We're just going to get pizza; we won't even be gone that long." She pleads, adding the finishing touches to her makeup.
You'd already spent over an hour helping her prepare, and now she expects you to do nothing but await her return. You know her heart's in the right place; she just wants to be the first to hear all the exhilarating details about her date. Still, a phone call would suffice.
"What am I supposed to do while I wait for you to come back?" You whine.
"Just hang out here! Watch a movie or something!" She suggests, trying her absolutely hardest to sound enthusiastic. Her phone buzzes in her hand before she has the chance to continue, eyes lighting up as they flicker across the bright screen.
Chaeryeong clutches her phone, locks eyes with you, then rushes towards the door. You're faster, though, quickly capturing her wrist before she's barely reached the hallway. "I'm going home."
"No! If you stay here, I'll bring you back pizza, and we can have a girls' night like we were supposed to yesterday! Come on, please?" She begs, pouting her lips.
You go to reply, but the bathroom door swings open, and Heeseung strides out. Just to your luck, he's shirtless; water droplets descend from his hair as he towel-dries it. As he enters his bedroom, he mocks his sister's high-pitched whine, earning a lethal glare and a slew of swears thrown at him.
Perhaps you should stay.
"Fine, but you're lending me your pajamas." You give in, earning an enthusiastic shriek from your best friend.
Chaeryeong wraps you in a brief, yet tight, hug before shouting, "Be back soon!" Then she's rushing down the stairs and out the front door. It's not often that Chaeryeong makes you wait for her return, but you absolutely despise it whenever it does occur. She's never back by the time she promises and gets upset when you try to call and check up on her.
And speaking of calling, you're sure your phone is dead by now. You insisted Chaeryeong bring her's along just in case, so you're left with one option.
Heeseung's door is wide open (as usual) when you go to knock. He's fully clothed now, pairing his black sweatpants with a matching black t-shirt. His hair appears mostly dry now, chaotic as ever, but dry. You don't think he's ever looked this good before.
He's sat on his bed, flipping through the latest copy of Rolling Stone when you arrive. He glances over at you and lets out a dry chuckle.
"What's so funny?" You ask.
"You're dressed like Bella Swan." He responds casually, eyes raking up and down your body.
"Who?"
"From Twilight. You know, that new movie that came out?" He seems genuinely surprised that you don't seem to know anything about this movie, not even the name of (who you suspect to be) the main character.
You lean against the doorframe, "Haven't seen it."
"It's a great movie, seriously. Some friends and I are seeing it in a few days if you and Chaeryeong wanna come." He suggests, flipping another page in the magazine.
You let him know you'll ask Chaeryeong if she's interested before remembering why you came to his room in the first place and ask if you can borrow his phone charger. Heeseung directs you to where it's plugged up by his desk, and you finally have the chance to stroll further into his room. You can't recall the last time you've been in here, but you know it looks much different than before. Many of the band posters that decorated the room were gone, his random trinkets and piles of clothes were gone, and not a single piece of his CD collection was in sight. It felt so lifeless, so unlike him. No wonder he always dreaded returning home; it probably didn't even feel like home to him.
"So," you say, attempting to break the silence, "you're here for the whole summer, huh?"
"Unfortunately." He mumbles, "Gonna try and go by sooner, convince my parents I have to sort out an issue with my dorm or something."
"It's nice to have you back, though." You admit, watching as Heeseung's gaze locks on yours.
"Yeah? It is?" He questions.
You shrug, "Of course. We practically grew up together; it was weird to not see you all the time."
He sits up now, closing the magazine and tossing it on his nightstand. There's something on his mind that he isn't saying; you can tell from the way his brows knit together and how he's anxiously tugging on his lip piercing. "It was weird to be gone," he mumbles and leaves it at that.
"By the way, I'm sorry about last night." He apologizes.
"For what? Calling me your sister?"
He laughs at this, shaking his head. "I didn't mean to do that on purpose, by the way. That guy was just...so weird, I kinda blurted out the first thing that would've made him feel weird for even thinking that."
Oh. That makes sense. You definitely overreacted.
"I meant," he continues, "I'm sorry if the whole boyfriend assumption thing upset you."
"Oh," you dismissively wave a hand at him, "that was nothing."
Heeseung raises a brow at you, "Are you sure? 'Cause you seemed pretty upset afterward, you were practically running out of my car."
There's no point in lying now, considering you weren't even the slightest bit discrete the previous night.
"If I'm being completely honest, I just felt a little awkward. But that's it, I swear." You assure him, moving to lean against the bedside table.
"Awkward about what?"
God, this was so embarrassing. Is he really going to make you humiliate yourself like this?
"Because I've never actually had a boyfriend before."
Heeseung looks genuinely shocked at your confession, eyes nearly bulging out of his head as he examines yours for any sign of deception. "You don't believe me?"
"I'm not sure. I only assumed you had one just based on how crazy guys were about you in high school. Not to mention you're, like, fucking gorgeous."
What?
"I'm what?" You ask, not entirely sure if you heard him correctly.
He repeats himself again, and you make him do it a few more times until he's too embarrassed to say it again. You somehow manage to get back on the topic of never having a boyfriend before when Heeseung asks you another question. "Have you ever...?"
He doesn't need to finish the sentence. You know what he's asking.
You shake your head.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business." He berates himself, and you assure him it's no big deal and that it shouldn't even be a shocker to him.
After a half hour of talking about whatever comes to mind, you wind up sitting opposite Heeseung on his bed, legs perched up underneath your body as you go back and forth, questioning one another.
"So, when are you gonna admit you had a crush on me?" His voice is barely a whisper.
"I never did." You lie.
"Really? That sucks?"
"Why?"
He shrugs, leaning his back against the headboard. "I just always thought that maybe you and I would've ended up together at some point."
You don't remember who leans in first; it doesn't matter; all that matters is after years of longing, your lips are finally intertwined with his. He must've smoked today; you can taste the nicotine on his breath. But it doesn't matter; you don't make the slightest move to pull away. Neither does he, placing his hands on the small of your back to guide you onto his lap.
Your body is moving on autopilot, limbs moving to do whatever feels right as you silently pray not to ruin the moment. Heeseung can spot your nervousness from a mile away and stop you, "We don't have to doâ"
"I want to," you pant, breathless, "I've wanted this for so long."
"Do you trust me?" He asks.
"More than anything."
He kisses you again before adjusting your current position, slowly twisting yourselves until you're lying flat on your back. He moves his lips down towards your neck, leaving a trail of kisses in his path as he settles between your legs.
You reach up to grab a handful of his hair, nearly jumping out of your skin as his delicate fingertips creep up your inner thigh, inching closer and closer until his ghosting over your clothed pussy. "This okay?" He mumbles.
You nod, unable to form a coherent sentence. "Cute," he replies, "you're already so wet." His fingertips stroke your clit through your damp underwear; you don't think to wonder how he managed to get to it so quickly, all thoughts leaving your brain as he makes small circles using his middle and index finger.
"HeeseungâŠ" You moan, pleading for him to do more.
"I know." He assures you, using a single finger to pull your panties to the side, making just enough room for him to slide a finger into your aching cunt. "Am I really your first time?"
You nod again out of fear that a moan would slip from your lips if you even tried to speak. His eyes are locked on yours, studying your expression as he coaxes a finger inside you. You're embarrassed at how quickly your wetness coated his finger, but Heeseung doesn't care. He likes it, makes him feel fucking amazing knowing the effect he had on you.
"Take your shirt off." He says, and you do as told, pulling your top up and off your body and tossing it to the floor; making quick work of undoing your bra before he even has the chance to ask.
His lips are back on your neck instantly, trailing down to your collarbone until he reaches the curve on your breast. He halts his actions momentarily before your pitched nipple is caught between his teeth and your back arching off the bed from how overstimulating everything feels.
You curse under your breath, and Heeseung makes another comment about how cute you are, though you feel far from it. He apologizes by lapping his tongue around your nipple, easing the pain slowly as he inserts a second finger into your cunt.
You can feel his bulge against your thigh, though he doesn't even care about getting himself off. He moves over to your nipple, licking and sucking until it's completely hardened, leaving himself breathless. The two fingers that had been working your cunt had picked up the pace now, and there was an unfamiliar feeling in your gut that you couldn't identify.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckâŠ" You groan, legs trembling.
Heeseung is all too familiar with these actions and asks, "You're already close? I've barely done anything to you." He teases, chuckling to himself.
You know he's being lighthearted, but you can't help but feel embarrassed at the tears forming in your eyes from how good everything feels.
Suddenly, he's pulling his fingers out of you, and now you feel like crying for a different reason. You go to protest but stop to watch as he takes his shirt off. If you weren't sure then, it's obvious now he'd started attending the gym.
He makes quick work of tugging his sweatpants down his legs, tossing them into the abyss before reaching into his bedside table and retrieving a condom. "You're okay?"
You nod.
"Use your words."
âIâm okay, Heeseung.â
"You're still okay with this?"
"Yes."
"You sure?"
Jesus fucking Christ, the saint this man is.
"I'm positive." You assure him.
You move to pull down your skirt and underwear, but Heeseung catches your wrist. "Leave them on," he says. There are so many things going on that you choose not to question.
He pulls off his boxers in the meantime, hardened cock slapping against his abdomen with precum leaking from the tip. Though you had nothing to compare it to, Heeseung was obviously slightly larger than average. You shouldn't be surprised; it's always the guys that you'd least expect.
He tears the condom wrapper with his teeth, retrieving the rubber inside before tossing the remains to his floor. Despite being fully erect, he fists his cock a few times before sliding the condom on.
He crawls over you, left arm at the side of his head, while he uses his dick to nudge your panties to the side. "This still okay?"
"I already told youâfuck!" He cuts you off, the tip of his cock slowly making its way inside you. You feel so stretched out from this alone you don't know how you'd manage to fit all of him into you.
Heeseung must be feeling the same, swearing under his breath and commenting about how tight you feel around him. Second by second, he coaxes himself into your pussy until you feel like you could split right open. "Are you all the way in?"
"No, can't take anymore?" He asks, leaning his head down against your ear.
You're embarrassed to admit he's too big to handle on your first time, but it's the truth. You don't want to overextend yourself just to please him and end up hurting yourself.
"You can move, justâŠnot too much. Please."
Heeseung nods, "Whatever you want, angel."
He pulls his hips back and rocks himself back in, being sure to ask if you're okay with his pace. Once you confirm you feel fine and want him to keep going, he continues his movements; his eager hips snapping against yours and his cock hitting your G-spot with each deep stroke. You feel like you're on cloud nine, hands tangled in his hair as he swallows your moans.
That unfamiliar feeling from earlier returns; you feel it through your entire body this time. A moan of his name escaping your lips lets him know you're close. How he can always sense these things is beyond you; it's not worth overthinking.
"Close?" He asks, and you nod frantically.
Heeseung picks up his speed slightly, careful not to overwhelm you, but just enough to reach your climax, until finally, the bundle of nerves in your abdomen snaps, and your back is arching off the mattress as you come around his cock.
He's only a few seconds behind with his orgasm, erupting in a loud grunt when he finally reaches it. The two of you lay in silence for a moment before Heeseung finally pulls out of you and slides the condom off, tying it in a knot and tossing it into his trash bin.
"Are you okay?" He asks for what feels like the millionth time.
"I'm fine." You respond, and it isn't a lie. Physically, you feel terrific; mentally, it was an entirely different story. "Are you?"
"I'm good, I'm good."
As much as you would love to lay naked with Heeseung in his bed for the rest of the night, you know Chaeryeong will be home anytime soon. "I think I'm gonna go wash up."
He nods, crawling under his covers once you stand from his bed, tugging your skirt to its proper length as you search for your remaining clothing. "Oh, it's umâŠyour shirt, it's over there." Heeseung awkwardly gestures towards a pile of clothing by the end of his bed.
Almost as quickly as you shred yourself of them, you snatch your clothing and bundle them up against your chest.
"Listen, I know right now isn't really ideal, but I meant what I said about liking you, and really think we should talk." He says nervously, barely even able to look at you.
You almost want to laugh at how cute he is; instead, you agree to talk to him about it soon. You're about to head out into the hallway when Heeseung reminds you about your charging phone over by his desk.
You retrieve it and scan the area again, ensuring you haven't left anything else behind. When everything seems clear, you stand upright, but your eyes fall toward the trash bin near his window with the discarded condom. You're embarrassed to even look at it until you realize something seems off. It looksâŠempty.
Now, you're no sex expert, but imagine that if Heeseung had finished, there'd be something to show for it in the condom. Right?
Did he fake his orgasm? Was this another one of his fucked up mind games you'd been subjected to?
You don't know what to think as you step into the bathroom; your emotions are all over the place, and all you really want to do is go home. But you promised Chaeryeong you'd be here when she returns, so you stay.
The next time a Lee sibling asks if you're okay is twenty minutes later when Chaeryeong finally arrives and asks why your eyes are so watery.
"I'm fine." You respond, and you're lying for the first time that night.
your cute, sweet boyfriend who gets even clingier while tipsy
pairing: jake x fem!reader || wc: 1.6k || cw: smut! a lot of fluff, mentions of alcohol, tipsy!jake (not drunk, everything is consensual), jake is veeeeery clingy and he canât stop yapping, subby!jake, kissing, making out, breast/nipple play, handjob, p in v, unprotected sex (donât.), creampie, use of petnames, dirty talk, praise, a tiny bit of overstimulation || warnings: +18 content, mdni!!! || a/n: this is was all thanks to this request right here!!! everybody thank anonie rn
you hear the front door click open a little after midnight, followed by the unmistakable sound of keys clattering to the floor and a soft, giggly âoops.â
jake is home.
you pad out of the bedroom in your oversized sleep shirt, already smiling because you know exactly what kind of state heâs in. he tried to text you earlier â something mostly emojis and the words âhome soonâ â but the typos gave him away. the boys had gone out for a rare low-key dinner that clearly turned into a couple of drinks. nothing crazy, just enough to make your boyfriend adorably loose and clingy.
âbabyyy,â he whines the second he sees you, eyes lighting up like youâre the best thing heâs ever seen. heâs leaning against the wall, one shoe already kicked off, the other still stubbornly on. his hair is messy, cheeks flushed pink, and that signature bright smile is a little lopsided. âmissed you so much.â
you laugh softly and walk over, sliding an arm around his waist to steady him. âi missed you too, jakey. come on, letâs get you to bed.â
he immediately drapes himself over you like a giant puppy, arms wrapping around your shoulders, face nuzzling into your neck. âyou smell so good,â he mumbles, lips brushing your skin with every word. âlike home. my favorite home.â he takes an exaggerated sniff and sighs happily. âcan we just stay like this forever?â
âwe can cuddle in bed forever,â you promise, guiding him down the hallway. he keeps stopping every few steps to hug you tighter or plant sloppy kisses on your cheek, your temple, wherever he can reach. âjake, shoes off.â
âhelp me?â he pouts, lifting one foot dramatically. you kneel down and tug the remaining sneaker off while he balances on you, hands in your hair, playing with the strands like itâs the most fascinating thing in the world. âyouâre so pretty when youâre helping me. the prettiest.â
once both shoes are off, he refuses to let go of your hand, swinging it between you like a little kid as you lead him into the bedroom. the bedside lamp is already on, casting a warm glow. you try to steer him toward the bed, but he pulls you into another full-body hug instead, swaying gently.
âi love you,â he says against your hair, voice soft and earnest in that tipsy way that makes your heart melt. âlike, sooooo much. you take such good care of me. best girlfriend ever. wife. future wife. can i call you that tonight?â
you bite back a laugh. âsure, future husband. now sit down so i can get your shirt off.â
he plops onto the edge of the bed obediently, but the second you reach for his buttons he wraps his arms around your waist and tugs you between his legs. his face presses into your stomach, nuzzling happily. âsoft,â he hums. âmy favorite pillow.â he tilts his head up, eyes big and sparkly even when glassy from the alcohol. âkiss?â
you lean down and give him a quick peck, but he chases your lips with a whine when you pull away. âmore,â he demands cutely, lips pursed. you give in and kiss him properly, slow and sweet, tasting the faint sweetness of whatever fruity drink he had. he makes a contented little noise and tries to deepen it, hands sliding up under your sleep shirt to rest on your bare back.
âjake,â you murmur against his mouth, half warning, half amused. âbedtime. you need to sleep.â
âbut iâm not tired,â he lies, even as he yawns right after. still, he lets you unbutton his shirt and slide it off his shoulders, revealing all that smooth, warm skin and the faint definition of muscle from years of dancing. his hands stay on you the whole time, tracing lazy circles on your hips, thumbs slipping under the waistband of your panties.
you manage to get his jeans off too, leaving him in just his boxers. he looks so cute sitting there â flushed, hair tousled, blinking up at you like you hung the moon. âcuddle now?â he asks hopefully, already scooting back on the bed and lifting the covers for you.
you climb in beside him and he immediately attaches himself to your side like a koala, one leg thrown over yours, arm slung across your waist, face buried in the crook of your neck. his breath is warm and steady, and for a minute you think heâs actually going to fall asleep.
then he shifts.
his hips press against your thigh and you feel it â half-hard already, twitching when he rocks just a little. he lets out a tiny, embarrassed giggle.
âsorry, baby,â he mumbles, but he doesnât sound sorry at all. he nuzzles closer, lips brushing your collarbone. âyouâre just⊠really warm. and soft. and you smell nice. it makes me horny.â
you snort. âoh so youâre tipsy and horny? that's a very dangerous combination.â
ânot dangerous at all,â he protests, voice turning pouty. he lifts his head, lower lip jutting out with the most lethal puppy eyes youâve ever seen. his cheeks are still pink. âplease? just a little. iâll be quick. iâll be so good for you.â
his hand slides under your shirt again, palm warm and a little clumsy as it cups your breast, thumb brushing over your nipple until it pebbles. he watches your face with that focused, tipsy intensity, like heâs studying exactly what makes you react.
âjakeâŠâ you start, but he cuts you off with another kiss, this one deeper, a little messier, tongue sliding against yours while he presses his growing erection more firmly against your thigh.
âi want you,â he whispers when he pulls back, voice husky now. âbeen thinking about you all night. kept telling the guys how lucky i am. how pretty my girlfriend is. how good you feel when youâre around me.â his fingers pinch your nipple lightly, drawing a soft gasp from you. âplease, baby. i need you. iâll do all the work. you just lay there and let me love you.â
heâs so earnest, so adorably desperate, that your resolve crumbles fast. you cup his face and kiss him again, slower this time, letting him feel how much you want him too. âokay,â you murmur. âbut gentle. youâre drunk, remember?â
âi'm not drunk, just⊠feeling a bit funny,â he promises, already moving to tug your shirt up and off. the second your breasts are bare heâs on them, mouth hot and eager, sucking one nipple while his hand kneads the other. heâs a little uncoordinated from the alcohol, but it only makes it sweeter â soft, open-mouthed kisses, little whimpers vibrating against your skin.
you slide your hand into his boxers and wrap your fingers around him. heâs fully hard now, hot and heavy, leaking at the tip. jake moans loudly at the first stroke, hips bucking into your fist.
âfuckâ yes, like that,â he gasps, switching to your other breast. âyour hand feels so good.â
you pump him slowly, thumb swirling over the head, spreading the wetness. he keeps grinding against your palm, panting into your neck, whispering the filthiest sweet nothings.
âi love your tits⊠love how wet you get for me⊠iâm gonna make you feel so good, babyâŠâ
eventually he pushes your panties down your legs, kicking his own boxers off in the process. he settles between your thighs, cock nudging against your entrance, but instead of pushing in right away he just rubs the head up and down your folds, coating himself in your slick.
âso wet already,â he marvels, voice awed. âall for me?â
âall for you,â you confirm, wrapping your legs around his waist.
he slides in with one smooth thrust, both of you groaning at the feeling. heâs thick and warm and fills you perfectly, even when heâs a little sloppy from being tipsy. he doesnât start moving right away â just stays buried deep, grinding in slow circles while he kisses you senseless.
âi love being inside you,â he mumbles against your lips. âit feels like home. a very warm home. the best home ever.â
you canât help but laugh. then he starts thrusting â deep, lazy rolls of his hips that hit just right every time. heâs clingy even now, chest pressed to yours, arms wrapped around you so thereâs no space between you at all. every thrust is accompanied by little kisses to your jaw, your neck, your mouth. he keeps whispering how much he loves you, how perfect you are, how heâs the luckiest guy in the world.
you slide your hands down his back, feeling the muscles shift as he moves, and when you dig your nails in lightly he moans and picks up the pace, hips snapping a little harder.
âclose,â he whimpers after a while, voice cracking. âbaby, iâm so closeâ c-can i come inside? please?â
âyes,â you breathe, clenching around him on purpose. âcome for me, jakey.â
he buries his face in your neck and comes with a broken moan, hips stuttering as he fills you up, warm and pulsing. the feeling tips you over the edge too, orgasm washing over you in soft, rolling waves while he keeps grinding through it, drawing it out for both of you.
afterward he doesnât pull out right away. he just collapses on top of you, heavy and warm and still buried inside, pressing lazy kisses wherever he can reach.
âi love you,â he mumbles, already sounding half-asleep again. âbest girlfriend. best wife. i'm gonna marry you someday.â
you stroke his hair, smiling into the dark. âi love you too, tipsy boy. now go to sleep.â
he hums happily, nuzzling closer, and within minutes his breathing evens out. you stay like that for a while â his weight comforting, his warmth surrounding you â before carefully slipping out from under him to clean up.
when you come back to bed he immediately reaches for you again in his sleep, pulling you against his chest with a contented sigh.
the thing is, jake is your clingy, cute, horny boyfriend.
SYNOPSIS âž» As your parents' company fails to outperform others, you find yourself in the midst of a new financial situation and on the search for a new apartment. The roommate you stumble upon has no intentions of getting to know you better and well- you wonder how long it'll take until he fucks you.
PAIRING âž» roommate!jake x fem!reader
GENRE âž» strangers to lovers, smut
TAGS âž» smoking, foul language/cursing, jake is weird and stalkerish?, making out, dom!jake, oral sex (m. receiving), degrading, unprotected sex, creampie
WC âž» 7k
âž» NSFW CONTENT UNDER CUT, MINORS DNI. this is purely fiction made for entertainment purposes only. do not like= don't read.
You were broke. Triple digits that usually decorated your bank account slowly turned into double digits, as you tried to endure the new reality. It was hard to let go of your usual habits, spending money like it had absolutely no value, living a lavish life and going out every Friday. Now, you had to count every penny. Instead of purchasing a basket load of expensive fruit and drinks, you were forced to reach for the cheapest bread and milk in order to survive.Â
Maybe you were exaggerating. Your parents' company hadn't gone completely bankrupt, yet. The technology department, which brought in the most profit, had endured a sudden decline due to a new company, which had stolen all their clients. Maybe they were exaggerating too, the other four departments running just fine.Â
Even with that, they had decided it would be best if you gave up your expensive apartment and spending mania. You would live without spending such amounts monthly, but you definitely wouldn't survive without your city view apartment.Â
Since you were little you dreamt of moving out, and living in one of those high up buildings only the richest could afford. And upon viewing the apartment for the first time it was everything you had imagined. Down to the spruce wood kitchen and bottle green tiles in the bathroom.Â
But here you were, intensely searching through apartment listings, hoping to find something equally nice for a good price.Â
You had hoped your best-friend, Minjeong would offer you to move in with her, knowing she had a spare room in her apartment not far away from your own, but her boyfriend's move in had crushed that desire to the ground.Â
You didn't want to let the thought sink in, but you knew youâd have to get a roommate. You knew that was the only solution for your poor financial situation. Unfortunately for you, any of your friends that were potential roommate material, either lived with their parents still or weren't looking to share a place with anyone.Â
You had honestly put off the search for a long time, hoping youâd soon get a call from your parents saying they had finally given up on this stupid idea of cutting your monthly budget in half, but it never happened.Â
One offer caught your attention, the monthly rent wasn't too bad, allowing you to still live comfortably, the deposit was also doable, and the room was just fine.Â
With a few clicks, a message chain between you and your hopefully new leasing agent had formed. You prayed the offer was still available, slowly warming up to the place, analyzing every detail about the apartment through the numerous pictures attached to the advert.Â
Soon enough, the generous and kind Mister Choi Jaeyoung had responded with a short confirmation and a list of information regarding his availability and precise location of the complex. You had agreed on a short tour of the apartment, but by now you had already memorized every corner. Youâd probably give him a better tour of that place at this point than he could.Â
âThis would be your roomâ he pointed with his hand, gesturing you to enter the space to look around.Â
It was even better in real life, the sun shined brightly through the large window, and the closet was bigger than you expected. Obviously, it was nothing compared to your high ceiling bedroom that included a bathroom and medium sized wardrobe, but still it satisfied you enough to sign all the papers your new leasing agent threw at you.Â
âThat room, right thereâ he said looking up to the closed door â-is your roommate's, Jakeâs, roomâ he said, and you nodded.Â
âIs he here?â you asked, hoping to meet him.Â
You wondered why the boy hadn't come out by now in order to introduce himself to you. I mean, you two were going to be living with each other for a long time, it would be nice to at least see what kind of man he was.Â
âI don't think so. Even if he is, I wouldn't recommend bothering himâ he answered, and you tilted your head, confused.Â
âWhy? Donât tell me heâs like fucked in the head or somethingâ you cursed yourself for the choice of words.Â
The older man laughed âNo, Jake is a nice guy, but I reckon heâs just a little more on the introverted side. He treasures his peace more than anything, letâs say it like thatâÂ
âI think I can respect that,â you smiled.Â
âThere was someone here before you, but he was definitely a talkative person, and I guess he didn't like the fact that Jake wasn't,â Jaeyoung added, and you nodded.Â
âThat really isn't a good enough reason to move outâ you laughed lightly and so did the man beside you.Â
You felt a bit uneasy at his words. Was Jake really that bad? Obviously your leasing agent, who was too nice for his own good, wouldn't admit to Jake being a complete lunatic with a fucked up sleep schedule, or something even worse than that. But the place was pretty tidy, it calmed your mind a little bit.Â
âWith that being said, you can move in as soon as youâd like. If you need any help with moving your belongings, Iâd be more than happy to help you find a nice moving company. You really can't trust people with your stuff these daysâ he smiled kindly and you thanked him for the tour.Â
You guessed youâd have to figure out your mysterious roommate on your own.Â
_____Â
It had been a week since you moved in. A whole seven days had passed, and you haven't even seen his face.Â
You hoped that maybe heâd offer you a helping hand with all the moving boxes, and furniture, but Jake didn't even bother to come out of his room the day of your move in.Â
You knew he was there. You had passed by his room, hearing a quiet melody coming from his room or an indecipherable chatter. You considered knocking, introducing yourself, but the words of your landlord kept ringing in your ears, keeping you away from that door.Â
âIsn't he going to like, help us?â Minjeong mumbled, wiping a bead of sweat off her forehead.Â
She had been helping you move everything in since 9AM, and Jake hadn't even budged. You were debating asking him instead of Minjeong, finally getting a chance to let yourself be known to him, but then again you knew heâd decline, or worse, not give you an answer at all.Â
âDoesnât he need to use the toilet? Or eat?â Minjeong asked, sitting down on your bed, the two of you struggled to build. âA real man should have made an initiative to help, and build this furnitureâ she added, looking around at the still boxed up closet and desk.Â
Sizing down your living space also meant getting rid of your ridiculously large furniture, that had absolutely no right fitting into this small room. Then again, it was great to use some of the pieces as bribery, you knew Minjeong would never agree to do this for free.Â
âI donât care, but it is kinda creepyâ you said, sitting down on the chair next to your dresser.Â
You werenât alone, but thatâs what it felt like. You wondered what he looked like. You had looked him up on Instagram, Tiktok, even Facebook, but none of the profiles under his name matched the information you had about him.Â
âIt is! What if heâs like a 40 year old creep that lurks in these areas of town cause he knows this is where most students liveâ she inquired, and it made you feel uneasy. The story sounded plausible, and thatâs when you felt like going into his room âby accidentâ just to see him would be the best idea.Â
âDonât say that, youâre freaking me outâ you said, and she laughed lightly. It was unlikely, to be completely realistic, but you could never truly know until you saw him.Â
âIf he turns out to be weird, you can always stay with meâ she reassured, walking over to the mirror.Â
âAnd listen to Heeseung getting his dick wet all night long? Yeah, no thank youâ you half smiled, and she laughed.Â
âBetter than a 40 year old pervertâ she pointed out, and you were forced to agree with the girl.Â
Minjeong sighed turning to you âI swear Iâm going to knock on his door myself if you donât do itâÂ
You shook your head. Youâd rather torture yourself with all the things that were yet to be done, than reach out to Jake.Â
âYou know what my landlord said, he could kill me in my sleep if I bother himâ you warned, and she sighed once again, her gaze falling on the numerous boxes.Â
âI have to leave soon, are you seriously going to do all this by yourself?â she asked, and you nodded with a sad expression on your face âYou should ask Jay to help youâ she grinned evilly.Â
You chuckled âWeâre not that closeâÂ
âOh câmon, Iâm not telling you to have sex with him on your precious newly built bed, just ask him for a little help. Have you seen his muscles, he can take all these boxes at onceâ she said, and you hid your face in your hands, smiling âAnd stop acting like you donât want him. You canât hide anything from meâÂ
Jay was hot. Really fucking hot. He was tall, well proportioned with long legs and a muscular torso. He carried himself so well, with a style that was so different, and a captivating face. He was also a well known frat boy and stoner, but you didnât mind, it wasnât anything unusual. One of the things Jay liked about you is that you werenât naive- he knew he wasnât the only one you were fucking around with, and you knew you werenât his only girl.Â
âI can handle it, donât worryâÂ
Minjeong had left, leaving you alone with all the unmade furniture, unpacked boxes and thoughts regarding your roommate.Â
What if he truly was a 40 year old, unemployed man who earns all his money from his parents?Â
Or a discord mod, who has awful posture, and a dent in his head from the constant use of headphones?Â
But then again, you saw the food in the fridge, he had already cleared up two shelves for you, but his own contained a healthy variety of food, which calmed your mind in some way. The same went for the bathroom, it was clean, all his things were organized, and the products he used seemed to be those a rather younger person would use.Â
His music taste also contradicted all your suspicions and theories. You noted that he listened to a lot of RnB, and from time to time heâd play some rap or hip hop.Â
Thatâs how your first week went by, analyzing every detail, and attempting to listen in on any conversations heâd have, just to finally get an idea of who your secretive roommate was.Â
On friday you came back from your pilates class, something you refused to give up, crying in front of your parents to let you have at least one thing. They were reluctant, but gave in sooner than you thought they would.Â
You were extremely spoiled, and there was no point in denying it. You were raised that way, and you found peace in using that as an excuse for your behavior.Â
Some part of you was expecting to catch Jake in the bathroom or kitchen, hoping youâd finally get to speak to him but the only thing of his that you came home to was a handwritten note with numerous household rules.Â
It made you laugh. Itâs not like he was paying more than you, but still he thought he had any right to boss you around in your own place. And his handwriting- it was awful. No matter how serious you tried to take the note, it felt like you were trying to decipher ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs.Â
Some of them were reasonable, cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen, keeping the bathroom tidy, and doing your own laundry- all of it was understandable and something you already had been doing.Â
No smoking was something you could agree to, you didnât really do it anyways so it didnât bother you much. The same went for no music after 11PM.Â
You couldnât help but laugh at the âno having friends overâ point on his long list. It was insane, especially since he had a friend over just two nights ago. You had no idea why you were the only one not allowed to bring friends over, wondering if maybe you had to âearn itâ, or if it was because you were a girl.Â
There was absolutely no way you were going to comply with any of these.Â
_______Â
On a Tuesday morning you woke up later than usual. The only reason for that was a previous cancellation of your anatomy class.Â
No matter how spoiled and entitled you felt, youâd never allow yourself to miss class or fail an assignment or exam. Being a model student was something your father engraved in you from a young age, sending you to expensive boarding schools and making sure you get into a good university.Â
You wondered if Jake had left for class already, or for work. Not like you knew what he was doing in life anyway.Â
You opened your phone to an excited text message chain from Minjeong who expressed her excitement after a steamy and long night with Heeseung. A small smile surfaced on your face as you texted back her with a simple reply.Â
You were afraid to leave your room. It was stupid, this was your place and you had every right in the world to go and make yourself fucking breakfast. But the impression Jake made on you was holding you back. You wondered how he managed to avoid you every single time, how you never were able to catch him leaving the bathroom or making a dish in the kitchen. That definitely took a lot of skill and starving on his side.Â
It was pathetic, the more you thought about it. You were his roomate for fucks sake, not a serial killer who was just waiting to slash his head off. You two didn't have to be friends, you never expected that of him or anyone else you were going to move in with. But a short greeting would be nice.Â
After a short call with Minjeong who pulled you back to reality, with a stern voice convincing you that Jake probably wasn't in the apartment anyway.Â
âIf you're going to behave like this, you should start looking for a new apartmentâ Minjeong said, and you thought about it for a second.Â
Maybe she was right, but the thought of him scared you so much to the point that you would rather starve yourself than leave the room.Â
The first week you purposely did things to catch him in action, get him to finally talk to you, and that slowly faded into you not even wanting to pass by him in the hallway.Â
âFuck Y/n, seriously heâs probably some incel loser whoâs afraid to look a woman in the eyeâ you laughed at her comment, silently agreeing âI can come over and make food with you if thatâs going to make you feel saferâ she said, and you instantly were reminded of his set of rules and regulations.Â
âCanât. He doesn't allow friends overâ you answered and she scoffed loudly.Â
âSo you did speak to him?â she said, still in disbelief.Â
âNo, not at all. This stupid prick left a note on my desk when I was out, 30 fucking rules and most of them seemingly only apply to me. He had a friend over just 4 nights ago!â you answered angrily, and she sighed.Â
âYou should move out of there, seriously. If not that, then purposely piss him off until he moves outâ she inquired, and it birthed a whole bundle of ideas in your head.Â
Maybe that was your solution. Purposely pissing him off and going against his crazy rules, forcing him to move out before you were forced to do it.Â
âThatâs a good idea, I like itâ you answered, and she cooed excitedly.Â
âInvite Jay and fuck so loud heâll be slamming doorsâ she said, and you were quick to hush her, embarrassed by her ideas.Â
âI gotta go make a mess in the kitchen thenâ you remembered one of the early points on the list, bidding her a quick farwell and ending the call.Â
She had already convinced you that Jake wasn't in the apartment, so you didn't even bother getting dressed, just slightly adjusting your underwear and strapless top.Â
It really felt like you were living alone most of the time so none of the habits you picked up on while living alone had the chance to vanish.Â
You slowly open the door with a quiet creek to the floor boards and leave the room, your face in your phone as you checked all the notifications that bundled up overnight.Â
You weren't expecting your first meeting with Jake to look like this, but there he was in all his glory.Â
He must've thought the same thing- you shouldn't be here at this hour- a single pair of boxers keeping him away from standing fully nude in front of you.Â
You didn't even know the man's last name but here you were standing practically naked in front of each other. Maybe youâd be more frightened if he wasn't so fucking hot.Â
His skin was slightly tanned, shoulders broad with toned forearms. He had a tiny, slutty waist- if you knew he wanted it too youâd probably fuck him right there in that kitchen. His face was even better, big doe eyes and a shaped jawline. His black hair slightly covered his face, but you could still make out all of his features.Â
All the fears you had completely vanished, a new disgusting arrangement of thoughts taking over your mind as you tried to speak to the man in front of you.Â
âIâm s-sorryâ you quickly said, covering your eyes.Â
It had only been a couple seconds since your eyes met him in this awkward situation, but it felt like youâve been staring at him much longer.Â
He didn't even bother to reply, closing the fridge with a protein drink in hand, he passed by you like you weren't even there. You watched him enter his room and close the door with a thud.Â
Was this seriously all of it? You had hoped he was just a little shy, waiting for an opportunity to greet you properly whenever you had the chance to pass by each other, but he obviously wasn't interested in getting to know you.Â
But how could you possibly not want to get to know him when he was so breathtakingly hot. How could you possibly stay sane knowing you're living with a David reincarnate.Â
You no longer planned on playing the âhow long until he finally speaks to meâ game, preferring to see how long itâll take for him to fuck you.Â
______________
After that day you hadn't seen Jake at all.Â
You heard him occasionally laugh with his friend who seemingly had the right to come over every day, or rage at a game but that was it. He once again opted to ignore you.Â
You wondered if he was thinking about you too. You couldn't possibly get him out of your head, spending a little more time in the common rooms, hoping he would finally walk out of his room.Â
Was he playing hard to get or was he just a fucking sick antisocial weirdo with no interest in real life women at all.Â
You had spoken to Minjeong, the girl convincing you to do something thatâll rile him up. She had finally persuaded you to invite someone over, specifically Jay, in hopes that it will piss off Jake enough to get him to speak.Â
âI know him from university, heâs an engineering majorâ Jay said, taking a hit from the freshly rolled blunt.Â
The smell of weed spread across the area, and you secretly hoped Jake could feel it seeping in through the cracks of his door.Â
âWhatâs he like?â you asked, inhaling the smoke as he held out the blunt for you in his fingers.Â
He smiled âFucking weird. Like he doesn't talk or anything, he just hangs out around the same people all the timeâÂ
Jay pulled you closer, blowing the smoke into your mouth, and you obeyed, inhaling the rest. He gave you a sly smile, and finally put out what was left of the blunt.Â
You didn't know what was between you and Jay, but until you get Jake to notice your true intentions towards him or even speak to you, he was a good optionÂ
âThat checks outâ you chuckled, shaking your head âLook at thisâ you opened your drawer, pulling out the paper your roommate had left you.Â
You handed it to him, as he read through all the rules. He laughed and with wide eyes kept looking through it.Â
âFuck, I need Sunghoon to see thisâ he laughed, taking a picture of it âAlready broke two rulesâ he smirked and handed the list back to you.Â
âNot stopping there, trust meâ you smiled and put it back in your desk drawer.Â
He smiled evilly, and pulled you back over to sit on his lap. You complied with a sly smile, and pressed your face against his chest, Jay softly caressing your back.Â
âYou should move far away from this freak, seriouslyâ he says, and you canât help but hum in agreement.Â
If you chose to disagree, Jay would start asking too many unnecessary questions you truly had no answer to. You couldn't even tell yourself why after seeing him only once, you wanted the man to dick you down so bad.Â
âAnd live on the street? No thank youâ you replied, your voice muffled by the material of Jayâs sweater.Â
He chuckled âYou can move in with meâÂ
âThe streets sound much better than living with 4 sweaty frat boys in one roomâ you replied, and he huffed.Â
âWeâre not frat boys, câmonâ you scoffed at his words.Â
âStoners, frat boys, fuckboys, whatever, same thingâ you count and he just rolls his eyes playfully.Â
Jayâs delicate touch and sweet voice almost stopped you from hearing Jakeâs angry footsteps in the hallway.Â
The chance had finally come, and you were forced to ignore it.Â
The sound of his footsteps kept ringing in your ears as Jay told you something about having to leave soon to do a drop. You barely listened to him, wondering what Jake was thinking about, probably already noticing you were not alone.Â
The vibrating sound of Jayâs phone knocked you out of your trance, forcing you to rise from his embrace, passing him the device.Â
âYeah yeah, Iâll be there in a minute. Iâm around the areaâ he replied, and lazily standing up with a stumble to his feet, he stretched and turned to you âSorry, pretty thing. Gotta goâ he gave you a half smile, and you nodded your head, trying to refocus on whatâs going on behind your closed door.Â
You walked him downstairs to the door, and with a chaste kiss to your forehead, he sprinted towards the subway station. You smiled, your eyes chasing his figure until he finally disappeared around the corner.Â
Opening the door to your apartment once again you hoped that Jake would still be rummaging around the hallways.Â
And you were right, he fell right into your trap. He was waiting there for you.Â
âWhat the fuck was that?â he asked, and his voice was deep. It was a little raspy, probably from the way heâs screaming his lungs out playing games all night.Â
His face was dark, and figure was lean. He looked a little creepy, his back blocking all the light, his body casting a shadow onto your figure.Â
You wanted to smile, but decided to keep it cool âNo hello, or goodmorning?â you asked, tilting your head with a sly smile.Â
He looked like he was about to explode, and you liked it more than you thought you would.Â
âOh you wanna be like that? I fucking told you, loud and clear, that there were no guests allowed around here. Didnât get through your head the first time, did it?â he groaned.Â
âIâve been here for 2 fucking weeks, and you havenât even bothered to introduce yourself to me. You can seriously fuck off, and shove those rules up your ass while your at itâ you replied, turning your back to him, heading towards your room.Â
He grabbed your wrist, pushing you to the wall âYou listen to me, yeah? So donât fucking try to invite anyone over againâ he said, harshly letting go off you, and without letting you finish, walked back to his room with a slam to his door.Â
You were left there stunned in the hallway. Although you knew Jake wasnât normal, you never expected him to be this fucked up.Â
And you also didnât expect it to turn you on so much.Â
_______________Â
Once again, you havenât seen Jake around.Â
He must have been extra cautious to ignore you especially after your previous incident.Â
You hadnât even heard him play his usual loud and obnoxious music anymore or him raging at his games. No one has come over since then either. You couldnât understand why Jay coming over bothered him so much to the point where he changed up his whole routine, choosing to take on a rather silent stance.Â
But he wasnât here today.Â
For the first time in 3 weeks, you were there for his absence in the apartment, and you knew exactly what you wanted to do.Â
You wanted to finally see what his own space looked like.Â
Maybe in the slightest way it would help you figure out the type of person he is, maybe youâd find something thatâd help you understand why he is the way he is.Â
You double checked, making sure that psycho wasnât hiding somewhere, hoping heâd catch you in the act. But when you checked every possible spot, you quietly and slowly opened the door to his room, steadily taking in the space that was unveiled in front of you.Â
Cream walls, gray curtains, a cheap wooden bed frame, no posters, pictures or plants, you truly expected something more, but there was no personality to the boys room.Â
In some way that answered a handful of your questions about him; he just had nothing to himself. He was just a simple boy with a fucked up character and greasy keyboard.Â
His desk was messy, a mixture of textbooks, used up tissues and a half-empty lotion, crumpled up pieces of paper and cables. Yet through the mess you managed to notice a note, your name written in capitals on the top of it.Â
And well, a scrunched up, stained pair of your light pink, lacy panties. They were abandoned in the middle of all the tissues he disgustingly didnât get rid of yet.Â
Just when you thought he couldnât get weirder, he somehow did.Â
âThere is no fucking wayâ you whispered to yourself, your mouth parted and eyes wide.Â
You looked back and forth between the paper and your underwear, eventually grabbing at the note, narrowing your eyes as you began to read the contents.Â
You skimmed through the bullet points; your full schedule written down on the paper with almost exact numbers as to when you leave and when you come back. These were the things you didnât even know yourself.Â
âYou think about me a lot donât you, Jakeyâ you murmured with an evil grin, not forgetting to snap a picture of it and send it to Minjeong.Â
You decide to leave the now useless fabric where you found it, also deciding to leave it out of the conversation with your best friend. She had already freaked out over the schedule and if she found out your crazy roommate is also jerking off using your dirty laundry, she wouldn't waste a second moving all your things into her apartment personally.Â
She replied swiftly, an arrangement of emojis decorating your home screen and a âWHAT THE FUCK, CALL ME ASAP?â. You smiled and put all his things back in place, leaving the horrid space Jake created for himself.Â
âHello? Y/n?â Minjeongs voice ringed in your ears as you called the girl.Â
You decided to spend some time in the living room, waiting for Jakeâs return. Your eyes were constantly plastered on the door in the end of the hallway, ears listening in for a turn of the key.Â
âYeah, Iâm hereâ you laughed lightly, and thatâs when Minjeong got her confirmation to start her full on blowout.Â
âMove out of there as soon as possible, girl. That man is dangerous, I swear to godâ she half screamed, and you just chuckled âYouâre laughing? This doesnât scare you, like at all?â she asked, and you thought about a reasonable reply, cause âHeâs hotâ was definitely not going to make the cut for your best friend.Â
âI canât afford anything else Minjeong, you know that. He doesnât bother me that much, itâs okayâ you said in an attempt to calm the girl down.Â
âI told you, you can come stay with meâ she said calmly, and you let a stray breath out.Â
âMin you know I love you, but I already told you I do not want to hear you banging Heeseung every other nightâ you smiled even though she couldnât see you.Â
âPersonally, Iâd rather listen to pornhub recreations than live under the same roof with a potential stalkerâ she said, and you laughed. At least she knew about her problem.Â
âHeâs not a stalker Min, heâs just weird. Thatâs allâ you replied and she sighed.Â
âYou canât fix him, Y/nâ she said, and you scoffed playfully.Â
âYou can wait and seeâ you told her and she just hummed.Â
âBefore that happens, you'll be six feet underâ she said, and you couldnât help but laugh at her overprotectiveness
The topic slowly faded when the seriousness turned into playful banter, the two of you discussing random topics and gossiping about every possible person that ever graced your campus.Â
You didnât leave the living room, not once, because according to Jake's precious and impressive schedule, you should be out now. Normally that would be true if not for the cancellation of your pilates class. Self-cancellation.Â
As the keys turning and metal hitting the wooden door sound through the apartment, you hang up without further explanation, quietly running off to your room.Â
If you stayed in the living room, upon noticing you, he'd practically bolt to his room, locking the door, once again, avoiding you. You were smarter than that.Â
As soon as you heard him settle down, the sound of your old fridge being opened, and his quiet footsteps pacing around the kitchen, you pulled out your phone, the picture of his note staring back at you. You smile mischievously, phone in hand as you open the door, heading straight towards the kitchen,Â
He looks slightly taken-aback and you know damn well why. He wasn't expecting you. You shouldn't be here for another 30 minutes- the perfect amount of time for him to shower and make dinner. He had precisely calculated all of this just so he could avoid useless encounters with you.Â
âWhat is this?â your voice is taunting as he realizes what's displayed on your screen.Â
All the blood drained from his face as he realized you entered his room and looked through all his things, possibly even read all the perverted thoughts he had about you that were scattered across his desk in the form of crumpled pieces of paper. He remembers exactly what he took from your dirty laundry basket and how much he enjoyed having the fabric wrapped around his thick shaft.Â
âYou went through my things ?â he asks, voice laced with anger as the reality of the situation comes down on him.  Â
You bark out a laugh, amused by his attempts to shift the blame on you âOh and my panties, you can keep those. Hope they milk your short dick goodâ you smirk, leaning against the wall with arms crossed, the look of confidence on your face.Â
Jake's expression darkens, a cruel grin twisting his lips as he moves closer to you, his face inches away from yours âYou think you're so fucking clever, don't you? Going through my things, catching me in a little indiscretion and using it against me. Impressiveâ his voice is low as he laughs in your face.Â
One of his hands moves to grip your chin, the look on his face menacing as he forces you to maintain eye contact âYou're nothing but an entitled brat. I'm not some fucking pushover and you should know that by now. Weren't those rules enough? You just had to go and invade my privacy to feed your little ego. You knew what youâd find, didn't you?â he stares down at you intensely, his grip on your chin tightening, his thumb slowly brushing over your lower lip, his smile growing as he notices your silence.Â
âHere's what will happen, okay? Youâll apologize for breaking my rules, send all your guests packing as soon as they show up on this doorstep, and weâll never have this conversation again. You'll be a good little girl and listen to me from now onâ he murmurs, his voice low as he trails his fingers along your jawline.Â
âYou look so hot when you get mad like this, Jakeyâ he looks caught off guard for a moment, before the low and seductive laugh parts his lips.Â
âYou think so?â he leans in closer, his breath hot on your skin, his voice down to a whisper as he continues âThen maybe we should put that dumb fucking mouth of yours to use and I'll show you just how hot I can getâÂ
A smirk spreads across Jake's face as his hands move down to grope your behind, giving it a firm squeeze, chuckling at your reaction.Â
He moves to settle down at the edge of the couch, stripping off his shirt, presenting you with the view youâve missed way more than you thought you did. His chiseled torso glistens under the lights, his belt buckle clinking as he undoes his pants, pushing them down. The fabric falls down to the floor almost instantly.Â
He watches you intently as you smile up at him, his fingers toying with the waistband of his boxers, his movements slow and tantalizing.Â
Youâre enjoying this and he knows it too, watching from the way you slide down to your knees in front of him.Â
âI knew you'd like this. Is this what you wanted?â he teases, his gaze never leaving yours as he watches your desperate pleas.Â
When you nod, he laughs softly, finally pushing down his boxers, freeing his rigid erection âShow me how much you wanted itâÂ
He grips the base of his shaft, giving it a few slow strokes as he watches you, waiting for you to take him into your mouth.Â
You grin at his heat and hardness, your fingers wrapping around his length. He pulses in your grasp, begging to fill your throat. You lean in, your gaze locked on his, running your tongue from base to tip, savoring the bitter taste of his precum.Â
You slowly take him into your mouth, your lips stretching as you push his length further down your throat. You bob your head, the determination to bring him pleasure coursing through your veins.Â
As your wet mouth accommodates his thick cock, a strangled groan escapes his lips âYeah, fuck, donât stopâÂ
His fingers thread through your hair, pushing you further down his shaft. He guides you as the sensation of your tongue around his sensitive tip brings him over the edge, his knees weak as he shakes with pleasure.Â
âKeep going, suck me off goodâ he moans, his mouth parted as he continues to guide your head down his throbbing cock.Â
As you pick up speed, your movements harder and faster, he can feel his body begging for release, the orgasm building in his stomach.Â
He can barely keep his eyes open as he speaks, his voice strained âFuck, Iâm close" his heartbeat quickens "Gonna cum so hard down your throat youâll never want to go against me againâÂ
His hips buck, as he tries to savor the last moments before his awaited release. With a hoarse cry, he loses himself in the feeling, spilling himself deep into your throat.Â
His grip on your hair loosens, his eyes rolling back with pleasure âSwallowâ he commands, his body shaking as he rides out his climax.Â
With a contented hum, you comply, lapping up the last drops of his seed, the salty flavour coating your mouth. The rest of his release, mixed with your spit, coats your glistening lips, as you remove yourself off him.Â
Jake watches you lick your lips before pulling you into a bruising kiss, tasting himself on your tongue. His tongue moves along your mouth, his hands sliding up your shirt, his fingers stroking the smooth skin of your stomach.Â
âStripâ he says, pulling away, watching you with an evil grin.Â
As he watches you slowly and teasingly remove your thin shirt and shorts, his hand begins to slowly stroke his cock back to hardness, smearing the ramints of his own release and your saliva along his thick shaft.Â
He sits down on plush comforters of the couch, tapping his lap for you. His body presses against you as you straddle his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck.Â
âSo prettyâ he whispers, locking his eyes on you as he watches you subtly grind your hips on top of him.Â
He pulls your head back, exposing you bare throat, his lips leaving a trail of bites and bruises on his way down to your collarbone.Â
A soft gasp escapes your lips as you feel his wet lips on you âI need moreâÂ
He smiles at your words âIâll fuck you so good the only rule youâll remember is how nice it is when you submit to meâÂ
Jake swiftly moves you down onto the cushions, his body looming over you as his hungry eyes wander over your body. His lips meet yours again, his hardness grinding against your wet core.Â
He uses your wet slick as a lubricant, his cock sliding against your folds as he hisses at the sensation.Â
âI fucked myself to the thought of you every nightâ his voice is rough with barley restrained lust as he notches himself at your entrance âWanted to bury myself in this little cunt for so longâÂ
With a powerful thrust of his hips, Jake sheathes himself fully inside you, groaning as your tight heat elopes him. You breath out in ecstasy as he fills you completely, your inner walls clenching tightly around his thick length.Â
Your back arches off the couch, as you hold onto his forearm, your nails digging into his skin âShit, Jake. So fucking goodâÂ
You start rolling your hips, meeting his every stroke, the sound of skin slapping against skin and loud gasps fill the once quiet apartment.Â
Encouraged by your wanton pleas, his thrusts become erratic, hitting deep and hard. He pounds into you with a wild force, pressing you down in place, taking the pleasure from your willing body.Â
âThatâs right, take it allâ he holds onto your hips, slamming you onto his length.Â
You canât even bother to reply to his comments, writhing beneath him as he uses your body for his own gratification. Each of his brutal movements sends you further over the edge, his pace almost demonic as your nails dig into his back, leaving red scratches along the surface.Â
Jake feeling your trembling thighs and the way you clench around him, smiles evilly, slamming into you with precision, grinding his pelvis against your clit.Â
âCum on my cockâ he speaks, his voice dark âMilk me for all Iâm worthâÂ
With a piercing whine, you come undone under his dripping body, the orgasm crashing down on you. Your fingers dig into his shoulders as with heavy pants, you ride out your intense climax.Â
The feeling of your release and the sound of your name falling breathlessly from your lips, proves too much for him to handle âGonna cum so fucking deep inside youâÂ
With a low, guttural moan Jake presses himself deep inside you one last time, and finds his own release, pumping his hot, thick cum directly into you.Â
He finally collapses on top of you, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he comes down from his own, intense orgasm. Jake lies down next to you, your damp body sticking to his, as he threads his fingers through your hair.Â
âDonât go through my shit again, Y/nâ he whispers, biting down on your earlobe.Â
SYNOPSIS âž» heeseung feels helpless as you continue to deny him love, and give it to the one person he can't come to accept- park sunghoon.
PAIRING âž» sunghoon x fem!reader x heeseung
GENRE âž» rich kids au, smut, fluff, angst
TAGS âž» love triangle, cursing, foul language, underage drinking, degrading names, smoking, mentions of doing c0ke, partying, gaslighting, religious themes, obsessive behavior/thoughts, unrequited love, fighting (verbally), mention of physical abuse and blood, desperate sunghoon :D, making out, penetration, unprotected sex,
WORDCOUNT âž» 15.2k
PART ONE
MDNI. This is a work is meant for entertainment purposes only. References to products and brands are imaginary and not meant to deprecate their image.
You close your eyes, repeating the words, painting the scene and your back in that room. Those words spoken with so much collapsed indifference by a person that didnât care to see or talk to you again. There was no point in burdening your memory with the idea of him, the idea of a Lee Heeseung that in this universe, didnât quite exist.Â
Yes- he carried his fatherâs surname, his name Heeseung- meaning bright and successful. Those were the things that would never change, the things he could never replace or hide. He would always and forever be remembered as Lee Heeseung, son of the hotel giants, and brother of Lee Haejun, the family heir.Â
For all his miserable and lonely life he struggled to create a name for himself. For all the 19 years he managed to wrestle with life, the fate stayed the same. He wanted his parents to think of him in any way, even if it was bad, even if it meant heâd be a failure in their eyes. He craved to be something more, something beyond the body he was born in.Â
Winter wasnât his favourite season. He hated wearing a puffer jacket, long socks and heavy boots. He hated the additional weight of all these things with the already pre existing heaviness of his being itself. Â
You liked winter- he knew that. He knew how happy it made you to catch a snowflake thatâd melt away within seconds of meeting your warm hand. Heeseung also knew he probably ruined it for you on that night- 22 of December, the day that welcomed winter.Â
He hasnât really spoken to his friends since that night- his phoneâs been on silent mode and his house, abandoned by him for now. Usually heâd enjoy this, maybe even have a friend join him, but this winter break, the vacation felt insufferable.Â
Warm Sydney, Australia, the colour of the inside of his hand almost as light and soft as the skin of his neck and the underside of his forearms, which were rarely exposed to the sun. He remembers how 2 years ago, just a month or two later he was here with Sunghoon, lounging around and sleeping off the scorching heat until one of them finally suggested they should go to the rocks to swim.Â
Well this year, he couldnât quite find himself leaving the white sheets. Heeseung had left so many things unsolved back home, and he feared that by the time heâs back- itâd be too late. Heâd leave the air conditioner blasting all day and night, his thoughts running off to all the things he did wrong.Â
Maybe he shouldnât have told you, maybe he shouldnât have asked his friend for help, maybe he shouldâve just left you alone. But how could he- it was stronger than him.Â
While the summer in Australia left an unquenchable thirst for more, winter in his hometown was as quiet as ever.Â
The inexplicable animosity hung heavy in the air as you, and everyone else went about their life, trying to forget yesterday, and live with the thought of tomorrow.Â
You spent most of your days alone. Sometimes, Jake would drop by. Or Jay. It depended on who made an excuse that day.Â
In the midst of a fiery conflict, you found comfort in them. The same people who encouraged behaviour that led you here. It was all broken anyway, so was there really a point in finding the lesser evil?Â
Neither of them have spoken to the two boys. Maybe they didnât want to take sides or maybe, just maybe all of them were waiting for the right moment to end this. This wasnât friendship, not in the slightest. It was jealousy and competition.Â
Trying not to think about it came out to be much easier. Only the countless texts reminded you. The unanswered calls, disconnected lines and unspoken words.Â
No more words, you said no more words after his confession. You stayed silent, and that pain flooded you today. The silence stayed with you. Every night youâd spend on a phone call with him, laughing because no matter how hard you begged him, he wouldnât hang up first, was now filled with heavy breaths and drowning darkness.Â
Sunghoon hadnât gone anywhere this winter. He was supposed to- the first class tickets to Sri Lanka already booked by his mother. When she knocked on his door, 12 hours before they were supposed to leave, he told her he'd fallen ill. Very ill.Â
Before Heeseung blocked his number, he sent him a short message. Sunghoon sat in a cold corner on the white bathroom tiles, reading the message. It was enough to let him know that it was over. And even though the unyielding pain in his stomach grew stronger, a small smile twitched at the corner of his bloody lips. He tried to reply, but the text went green.Â
When Heeseung first asked him for that favour, he assumed it was just another sick way for him to assert his dominance over you. Another way to make sure you knew Heeseung created what you are today, and no matter what, youâll always have a piece of him. Sunghoon never thought the boy would tell you the truth in the end.Â
Two days before New Years Eve, Jake texted you.Â
âIs your brother home?âÂ
He also attached a photo, indicating that he was already in the area.Â
âNoâÂ
The simple reply quickly sent through, and without even checking for another response you flip the phone over.Â
Each sound, each notification, you hoped it was from one of them. Heeseung never turned off his location sharing, so you already knew he wasn't around. Sunghoon, well, you had no idea.Â
You didn't really know anything about him. How he went about his day, before and after school or on vacation or just on a simple Saturday. You didn't know his favorite color, his favorite food or his favorite song.Â
It was never easy to talk to him- he didn't share much or make space for new people in his life. You rarely saw him enjoy things or even crack a smile at the jokes his friends made. Thatâs exactly what made it hard to figure out if he really meant the things he said and did.Â
Your doorbell rings. You turn your phone and see another message from Jake, indicating heâs here. It didn't take him longer than 5 minutes to get here.Â
âHeyâ you scratch the back of your head, welcoming him in. Heâs not awkward in the slightest, kissing your cheek as he enters.Â
Jake hasn't been the same since. You canât quite remember if heâs always been like this or did his friendship with the boys actually influence him that badly.Â
Something you always noticed about Jake is how easily influenced he really was. It took one word, one word and heâd be at Heeseungâs feet just waiting to do whatever the boy wanted. He tried so hard to impress them, he fell through with everything in his life- his grades faltered, his relationship with his parents started to rot, and his self respect declined with every passing day. He ruined himself for them.Â
Jay wasnât like that. He never really listened to Heeseung in the first place. And Heeseung realized that pretty quickly. They werenât particularly close either. Jay had legions of friends outside of school. He didnât need Heeseung, Sunghoon or Jake but in a way, they needed him. He stuck around because loneliness wasnât a good look on him, and his peers at school, well, they werenât quite fond of him.Â
âI brought wineâ he announces and hands you the bottle of red wine thatâs gotten quite cold by now.Â
âYou know I donât drinkâ you look away from the label, now focusing on the boy whoâs fixing his hair in the mirror. He doesnât seem to register what you said as a piece of his brown hair keeps falling onto his forehead.Â
He wiggles out of his leather jacket, hanging it on the clothing rack before taking the wine back into his hands âItâs only 12%. You wonât feel itâ he ultimately replies.Â
He wanders off into the kitchen while you sit down on the grey couch. Jake doesnât really ask, he never does. It doesnât bother you, not as much as it used to at least. He searches your cabinets looking for wine glasses which after a short moment, canât be found in any of them. He settles down for something less extravagant.Â
You wouldnât even dare inviting any of them just a couple months back. You were embarrassed, their houses the size of your whole street. A lot of things have changed since then.Â
"Jungwon is hosting for New Yearsâ he started, handing the glass to you. He sat down, his body facing you âDo you want to come?âÂ
Yang Jungwon was in your grade. His father was a software engineer who developed his own app but also helped countless companies start theirs. Jungwon was the one who helped Jay start his long abandoned website. He always watched his father doing big things, he wanted that too. His mother was a divorce attorney, specializing in family law, charging around $500Â per hour. She was the go-to of every miserable wife and all the tired husbands. Jungwon was a pretty normal boy- he grew up with two loving parents that got lucky enough in life to spoil him from the moment he was born.Â
âWho else is coming?â you ask, and he shrugs, gulping down almost half of his glass.Â
You look down at yours, uninterested. But before he manages to reply, you copy his action. It doesn't taste good.Â
âProbably the same people as alwaysâ he leans his head on his hand looking over at you âBut from the people youâll know, uh, Niki and Wonyoung are going to be there for sure. Sunoo probably has nothing better to do and Jay already told me heâs comingâ Jake added after a moment and you nodded understandingly.Â
âNiki and Wonyoung, huh?â you laugh mockingly, downing the other half of your drink. You wonder how in the world this could be a pleasure to middle aged women âSunoo told me she went over to Sunghoonâs house two days agoâÂ
âJealous?â Jake laughs and you raise your eyebrows.Â
âNoâ he repeats your action and you can tell that he doesn't really buy it. Neither do you. âIâm not jealous, Jake. They can do whatever they wantâÂ
His lips turn into a downwards smile âSure, sureâ he nods, and you playfully kick his leg. He winces at the action in a joking manner, before continuing âHeeseung and Sunghoon might be there too. So if you don't feel comfortable with that, you don't have to go. But me and Jay want you to be thereâ his tone softens.Â
How would it end up this time? Which one of them would say something this time? Do something this time? Or would they ignore you, just like they are now.Â
All you wanted was an answer. Nothing more, nothing less. You could even go by without a âsorryâ.Â
âI donât care. Iâd have to face them at school anywaysâ you answer with a straight smile.Â
âDidnât you hear?â he asks, painting your face with confusion at the statement. You shake your head, and he sits up straight âKarinaâs parents are close with Heeseungâs, and sheâs been saying some about him changing schoolâs mid FebruaryâÂ
You are even more confused now. It didnât make sense. Where would he go? Itâs probably just a rumor.Â
âBut you guys are graduating this year. That canât be rightâ he shrugs, just as curious and confused as you.Â
âYeah, I doubt itâ you nod with a small sigh, looking outside the window.Â
The sun set so much quicker in winter. You barely got to enjoy the day before darkness settled. It was setting pink today.Â
âIâll go with you guys. On New Years. Just, pick me up if you canâ you say and he nods with a small smile.Â
______
On that same day, Heeseung landed back in town. His father asked him to come back in time for the New Years event he was hosting, once again.Â
âWhat a fabulous suit, truly!â a middle aged woman comments, amused. She has a wide, bright smile on her face as she eyes Haejun âLet me guess, Canali?â she coos, a smirk creeping at the corner of her lips.Â
Heeseungâs brother chuckles, the forced elegance lacing his fake smile âBoth the suit and overcoat. Itâs nothing special thoughâ he smiles, and soothes down the cashmere mantle.Â
Lee Haejun runs a hand through his dark, silky hair, his posture relaxed in a âcoolâ way.
Heeseung thinks itâs pretty humorous, the way Haejun is flirting with a 40 year old woman, whose hair is visibly turning gray. Her husband is probably somewhere in this crowd, trying to get closer to his father, just like all the other men who were lucky enough to even be invited.Â
The lady has been ogling his brother for the past 5 minutes, not even noticing Heeseung who stood right next to him.Â
He scoffs.Â
âOh, Heeseung. I didnât notice youâ she smiles faintly, but her eyes donât even linger on him for a second longer, already back in conversation with Haejun âOh and this scarf! Haejun, you have such phenomenal taste!â she celebrates him again, and he just chuckles at her excitement.Â
Heeseung doesn't feel like standing there, looking like a fucking idiot thatâs just waiting to get complimented on his Saint Laurent overcoat that quite frankly, was more expensive than Haejunâs.Â
He doesnât feel like being here at all.Â
He thinks about everything; how these annual New Yearâs dinners have ruined the holiday for him all together, how the man at the table in front of him has a giant bald spot on his head, how the hardbody on his right has pretty fuckable tits even though sheâs probably in her mid 40s, how his mother is obviously having an affair with the hotels revenue manager, and most importantly, about you.Â
He hasnât felt anything since that unlucky Sunday night. It was suffocating, to be so conscious of his own decisions. But just like heâd been a coward that time, he still was too afraid to reach out and apologize.Â
Maybe soon enough heâd find himself at your front porch, knocking on the door softly, a nice gift in hand, the smile you adore plastered all over his condescending face.Â
Thatâs how it usually worked in his life; even the worst of heartbreaks and fights could be resolved with a pretty bag, new sports car or nice jewelry. Thatâd work on you too, wouldnât it? Heâd ask one of the maids that looked after his home to pick out something sheâd like to recieve, and youâd probably be satisfied with that, maybe even suck him off later.Â
Seeing you with Sunghoon enlightened something deep in his soul, something heâd never admit to himself. Heeseung didn't know if it was Sunghoon he was jealous of or you.Â
Sunghoon had experienced love in many forms throughout his life. A gentle and mannerly boy cherished by the women in his life. His kind, youthful energy seemed effortlessâsomething completely out of reach for someone as weathered and unsteady as Lee Heeseung.
You loved him, he already knew that much. So why was it so hard for him to give that back to you, show you that he feels the same?Â
He was such a selfish person-he didn't want to see you surviving on your own, or not needing him just as much as he needs you. Â
Heeseung understood he could never give you the love you deserved. Yet, the idea of being replaced by Sunghoon was something he refused to accept.Â
His eyes wander across the dimly lit space, desperately looking for someone who could give him a reason to leave his table. But he couldnât stand any of them. He hated their fake pleasantries, their overblown gestures, and the emptiness behind their eyes.
They werenât here to celebrate the passing year, spread joy and excitement for the coming days.Â
All these lost, desperate people were here, hoping, praying to God that maybe this is the day his father notices them, gives them a chance to become as wealthy and glorious as him.Â
âI was thinking about Oxford, possibly this upcoming Septemberâ he picks up on Haejunâs words and if not for the people and photographers that seemed to be on every possible side, he wouldâve punched the shit out of his brother.Â
Oxford, Harvard, Princeton, who gave a fuck?Â
He sighs again but this time neither Haejun or the lady in front of him pick up on his mannerisms.Â
He feels a sudden tap on his shoulder, the feeling making him jump back a bit.He groans under his breath, the sound inaudible for the one behind him, and turns around slowly.Â
He didn't expect to see Park Sunghoon here.Â
âŠÂ
âThey donât have a nice bathroom to do coke inâ Heeseung shrugs, nibbling at his bottom lip as Sunghoon breathes out a laugh at his inquiry.Â
He looks around the tiled, black bathroom, which is surprisingly empty. The light above the sink flickers in a weird way, and Heeseung wonders if itâs supposed to be like that.Â
âWe donât do that anymoreâ Sunghoon mutters, leaning against the cold, slippery surface of the wall, his head slightly slumped.Â
He looks up at Heeseung, his reflection much more familiar in the mirror. They are much closer than he thinks, the same worn out expression all over their faces. Â
âYeah⊠Guess those days are overâ he smiles weakly, although the growing pit in his stomach makes him feel uneasy.Â
Heâs avoiding the topic, throwing random words in the air as his heart speeds up. Sunghoonâs avoiding it too. The words linger on their tongues but it feels like they're stuck. He canât stomach starting a serious topic with his friend who's never been there for him in an emotional way.Â
âI remember that party so vividlyâ Heeseung chuckles lightly, watching Sunghoon intently through the mirror. The boy is avoiding eye contact.Â
âWhen Jay took a line and we thought weâd lost him, huh? I remember, yeahâ he forces a smile although the memory is definitely not a sweet one.
Heeseung chuckles softly, his thoughts drifting to when they were actually good friends to each other. It wasnât even that long ago, but so much has happened since that Heeseung almost forgot those times. Â
He felt it with you again. In a way you brought that comfort back to him with your soft spoken voice and tender smile. But with you, he was on the brink of inescapable change. Heeseung knew that everyday he was teetering closer to the end.Â
He looks back up at Sunghoon, and although his vision is slightly blurred, he notices that the wounds are completely healed now. The only tangible evidence of that night is now gone.Â
âDid it leave a scar?â he asks, his voice cracking. He clears his throat, turning to face Sunghoon, who touches the corner of his lip softly.Â
He shakes his head âNoâ. His tone is stony. He suddenly reminds himself to garbage the white button up in his wardrobe.Â
âThatâs goodâ Heeseung hums and the silence overcomes them again. Itâs uncomfortable and the awkwardness between them bears so much unfamiliarity. Itâs such a foreign experience.Â
The tension grows thicker as Sunghoon speaks up âYou know we canât avoid it, right?âÂ
Heeseung feels a bead of sweat trickle down his spine as he ponders the suggestion. What could he possibly say to make it better, to make it disappear? He nods and meets Sunghoonâs unrelenting expression.Â
âI donât really think we could ever be friends againâ Sunghoon says, his lip twitching slightly as the words finally roll off his tongue, the admission much more painful than he thought itâd be âNot when we both want the same thingâÂ
âWhat?â The words sink into his bones, his flesh shivering as he searches for at least an ounce of discomfort on Sunghoonâs face.Â
âNo matter what you told me that night, no matter how much you begged me to tell her because you didn't want to know how sheâll react, I know you feel it too. You said you didn't care, but you do, Heeseung. I care tooâ he explains, his voice stable. Itâs almost as if heâs rehearsed this.Â
It came to him during that long awaited shower. As the water came over him, so did the realization.Â
âIf you like it or not, I will keep on trying even if it doesn't work out. But either way, I think this is where it ends between us. I donât want to be stuck on the idea that it could ever be the sameâ the air felt heavier with the tension that separated them.Â
The weight of his words hung heavy in the air. Heeseung never thought itâd come to this.Â
âYou like her, right? It wasn't something to make her feel better..?â he asked, glossing over the fact that this exact spot set the end of their friendship.Â
Glossing over the fact that the relationship between you and him complicated his whole life. Yet a part of him still yearned for you.Â
âIâm not like you, Heeseung. I donât tell girls I like them to make them feel betterâ he chuckled lowly as Heeseung's expression darkened, taking offense to his words.Â
Heeseung scoffed, not quite enjoying the cutting reminder of his bad habits.Â
âDo as you please, I donât give a fuck. But I also donât plan on making it easy for you. I don't give up whatâs mine just like thatâ Heeseungâs words carry a playful edge, but thereâs an undercurrent of expectation, a reminder of the shared history and intimacy.Â
Sunghoon turns his head to the side, a stubby chuckle slipping past his parted lips. His gaze falls onto Heeseung after a moment, the boy leaning against the counter with an indifferent expression.Â
âWhat, do you think she forgot? You think a couple racks can erase what you did? Bet you're not the one she calls everydayâ a smirk tugs at the corner of his lips, as he looks at Heeseungâs changing face.Â
âYou think that just because I wasn't here I donât know what goes on? She couldn't give two fucks about you. You donât intimidate me, Sunghoonâ he retorts, his eyes dark as he pushes himself off the sink and shortens the distance between him and Sunghoon âCouldnât even get past her underwear, fucking pussyâ he whispers.Â
He nudges Sunghoonâs shoulder during his exit, scoffing angrily as he slams the door shut, leaving his once best-friend alone with the afterthought of his words.Â
Sunghoon doesn't regret it. He feels good. He feels the weight drop from his heart, his blood flowing calmly as his eyebrows donât furrow in annoyance anymore.Â
He watches the door for a moment before turning to the mirror, adjusting his jacket and hair, smiling as he takes in his reflection.Â
_____Â
On New Year's Eve a car parks in your driveway. Your brother wasnât home, and by the looks of it, he wasn't going to be any time soon.Â
You donât really remember the last time you sat down for a meal with Eunseok. You couldn't blame him though. Your parents always repeated that saving another human's life will always be more important than spending time with family. Your brother would always stay your brother even if you started to forget the sound of his voice.Â
Jay enters your house first. You can notice Jake sinking his head into the trunk, looking for something.Â
The last time Jay was here his hair was still blond. He seems to have gotten a new haircut and dyed it back to black. He looked much softer now.Â
âBack to black?â you smile and reach out to grab his coat. It feels illegal to hold and hang his black Prada corduroy jacket. It looked so out of place next to your own coats that were all bought at basic chain stores at the mall.Â
âYou like it?â he asks, quickly turning his head to check on Jake. Jayâs gaze falls back onto you, a soft glimmer in his eyes.Â
He changed. He wasn't the same misogynistic narcissist that you were initially introduced to. He became much kinder- a person you actually found yourself getting along with.Â
Jay came home extremely drunk on the 22nd of December. Screw walking a straight line when the boy couldn't even walk at all. Just like it had been unlucky for his friends, he too was met with his demise as his father sat in the living room with a girl Jay didn't recognize.Â
Probably his new girlfriend.Â
He was furious. He went through Jayâs phone that night- every photo of his son with girls in more or less intimate situations, every message between Jay and his dealers, every single bank transaction at the liquor store. He saw it all that night.Â
One word too much on Jayâs behalf, and suddenly, thereâs a stinging pain on his left cheek. And before he can react, his father slaps him again. And again, harder than the last.Â
He saw himself in his son for the first time. He realized what he had done to his own, precious child. The look in his eyes, pure fear and disgust. They weren't much different after all.Â
âYeah, itâs nice. You look goodâ you nod with a straight smile, and he looks a bit embarrassed at the compliment.Â
Jake finally runs into the home, a smile on his face. Without saying a word, you nod your head towards the now closed trunk.Â
âWe thought the bottles shatteredâ he explained and you looked over at Jay, confused.Â
âI thought you were done with drinkingâ you asked, and he grinned sheepishly.Â
âToday is the last time, I promise. New year, new me, letâs sayâÂ
They walked around your home, visiting every room, every bathroom, checking every picture. You couldn't care less, focusing on getting yourself ready.Â
âYou used to be emo?â Jake laughs, walking back to your room. You roll your eyes at him, knowing exactly what picture he was talking about.Â
âYour brother is really hot,â Jay says, leaning his hands against the backrest of your chair. He looks at himself and you through the mirror âYou look hot tooâ he adds with a sly smirk.Â
Your only reply is a smile, not being the best at receiving compliments. His eyes stay on you for a little longer than they should.Â
âJungwon just texted me,â Jake announces, his body turning in your fresh sheets. His dirty shoes have left marks on the white fabric, but he doesn't seem to notice. âHeeseung just arrived. Heâs with fuckass Seoraâ he laughs along with Jay, while you try to process his statement.
It didnât take him long to find your replacement. You remember the girl, having been paired up with her for a science project at the beginning of the semester. She was so beautiful.Â
âThat fucking nerd? Whatâs wrong with himâ Jay comments, and you realize how you too were once like Seora. Heeseung hasn't changed, not at all.Â
Jakeâs phone rings, his eyes darting to the screen. He excuses himself, the call seemingly important as he leaves the room swiftly.Â
You are left alone with Jay who mindlessly scrolls through his Instagram homepage, liking and commenting on his friends posts.Â
âCan you help me?â you ask, and his reaction to your voice is almost immediate. He sets his phone aside, his full attention once again falling onto you. A hint of concern flashes over his eyes as your expression seems troubled.Â
âMhm?â he hums, walking over to your figure.Â
âCan you zip this up for me?â you ask, turning around.Â
He stays silent for a moment, before brushing his fingers against the bare skin of your back, grasping at the slippery zipper. He carefully brings the fabric together, taking care not to pull too tight or snag the delicate material.Â
He steps back, looking at you, smiling warmly âThereâÂ
Whenever his sister would ask him, heâd flip her off and tell her to leave his room.Â
Jayâs eyes take in your figure, the way heâs never really gotten to see your nice body under all the baggy clothes youâd wear. It feels wrong to think about you like this, but itâs not like this is the first time either.Â
He may have changed, even in the slightest, but there was always that one person who was too late.Â
âŠ
Shot after shot of vodka find themselves appearing in your hand as you down each one with a twisted expression. The people around you seem much more cheerful than you, and you wonder how long itâll take for this alcohol to finally start doing its thing.Â
You turn to Jake, whoâs been gripping your hand tightly, at least thatâs what you thought. Instead of a smiley Jake, itâs Kim Sunoo who has been apparently keeping you safe. That would be all for âwe want you to be thereâ.Â
âGoing already?â Sunoo perks up, loosening his grip on you as he sees you trying to squeeze through the crowd.Â
âI just need some fresh airâ you offer him a small smile âIâll be backâÂ
Itâs 10:37. Only an hour and 23 minutes until midnight. By that time, half the guests wonât even be awake to witness it. You wonder what fireworks look like on this side of town.Â
Jungwonâs house isnât that hard to navigate. It was big, but you imagined bigger. Itâs mid-sized, maybe. You note how his parents have good taste- the mediterranean estate very much to your liking.Â
You find yourself on one of his acacia armchairs in the backyard terrace. Most people are inside. It wasnât the warmest day.  Â
Thereâs no wind today, not even snow. The temperature hasn't dropped below zero celsius this season. You really wanted the snow to fall soon.Â
You can tell from the corner of your eye that someone has accompanied you on the chair next to yours. You assume itâs someone just as tired as you, someone who's just counting down the minutes until midnight so they can get out of here.Â
Maybe itâs Jake. But you swore you saw him hitting up some girls on your way out.Â
âWant one?â you almost donât recognize the voice. Itâs been so long.Â
The person extends a pack of cigarettes in your direction, and thatâs when you decide to face them.Â
You haven't spoken to Nishimura Riki in a long time. He doesn't even look the same. But itâs only been 4 months?Â
âI donât smokeâ you reply, and he nods, lighting the stick in his mouth, protecting the flame with the palm of his hand.Â
He hisses, exhaling the smoke. It blows in your direction, and you scrunch your nose at the smell.Â
âWhereâs your sweet boy, Heeseung?â he asks, his tone mocking. You roll your eyes, exhaling deeply.Â
He laughs at your silence, but still waits for you to respond, taking another puff.Â
âWe donât talk anymoreâ you could lie but honestly, it seemed meaningless now. It didn't matter what youâd say, things wouldn't change.Â
âLasted the longest. Canât say Iâm not impressedâ he replied with a chuckle. Only God knew how much you wanted to slap the boy next to you right now.Â
âFuck off, Nikiâ you groan, and he puts up his hands, laughing. Heâs slightly taken aback by your candidness- he didn't meet this version of you.Â
Niki remembers you as the sweet, innocent and most certainly lost girl that had no idea what she was getting herself into. Now it seemed as if Heeseung had drained all that life out of you.Â
âIâm not here to make fun of youâ thereâs a hint of amusement dancing in his eyes as he still gauge's your reaction to his jab.Â
You hum, unamused âSureâÂ
He sighs, trying to hide the annoyance caused by your stubbornness. Niki throws what's left of his cigarette on the ground, crushing it with his shoe. Rick Owens, you note.Â
âI know you and Wony arenât on the best terms but she cares about you. I do toâ his tone softens âI just want you to live on your own now. Donât let him take over your life againâÂ
Niki follows all the patterns the stars are forming with his eyes, while you notice the sincerity in his face. Today the moon is barely visible. There was a New Moon yesterday, so tonight, not even 3% of the orb is visible.Â
âWhy are you telling me this?â you ask, and he shrugs.Â
The air seems to vibrate with unspoken tension. Niki stays silent for a moment, because he doesn't really know if he has an answer.Â
He shouldn't care. He doesn't know you, and you don't know anything about him either. Jesus, if Wonyoung saw him here, heâd be on probation until February. But he saw this happen countless times and every single one stung just as bad.Â
âI donât know. I guess I wanted you to knowâ he finally answers, a genuine glimmer in his eyes as they fall on yours for just a second.Â
You canât muster up a smile. Itâd be too forced anyway. You hope that the nod is enough for him to understand that you do in fact appreciate his words.Â
He doesn't say anything and neither do you. Itâs mostly noiseless, apart from the faintest melody that flows through the cracks in the window. The only people out here with you are either smoking themselves or talking to someone on the phone.Â
You hadn't really told anyone what happened. Of course, you could probably tell Niki, he wouldn't forward it to Wonyoung or anyone else. You could call the boy many names, some better than others, but you knew you couldn't call him untrustworthy. He always kept his word, no matter what.Â
But you bite back your tongue.Â
âNice chat, huh? Can I steal her for a moment?âÂ
Lee Heeseung.Â
Youâd be lying if you said you didn't want to see him tonight. You weren't wondering if youâd see him, rather when and how. He couldn't run away from talking to you, and well, it appears that he didn't want to anyway. Â
With what feeling would you look back on this moment? With sadness? With shame? Indifference, you hoped.Â
Would you regret it? Because maybe some things are better left unsolved, right? Sometimes itâs okay to not have an answer. Youâve already learned that firsthand.Â
It was too late, Niki already letting the older boy replace him on the armchair, his face filled with remorse, maybe even guilt as he walked back into the house. He only hoped that you were smarter this time.Â
You turned your gaze away, because he was looking at you, and it obviously flustered you. He saw your expression, and even though your face twisted in annoyance, you still wanted him to look at you.Â
It wasnât him you hated, but what the two of you did.Â
The secret was forever meant to stay between the two of you. And as long as thatâs true, it's always casting a shadow over everything good in you.Â
âHow was Australia? Did you have fun?â you sounded unimpressed, and he noticed.Â
Heeseung felt oddly embarrassed to be here with you. He left you with no explanation, and yet you're still asking how his vacation was. Honest or not, he feels like half the man he was before.Â
âHow did you know?â he asks, a glint of playfulness in his voice.Â
âYou still share your location with meâ you stated, and he nodded. He knew. You were the only person he shared it with in the first place.Â
âYou check my location?â he chuckles, trying to alleviate the charged atmosphere. His attempts brought no fruit as your expression stayed the same- cold and uninterested.Â
âNoâ he canât figure out what to say next. It used to be so easy to talk to you.Â
But you were the same when he first met you- stand-offish and unwilling. It wonât take him long to figure the right words out, heâs sure of it.Â
Heeseung doesn't know why heâs trying this hard. Maybe itâs because now he knows his friend wants it just as much. In what universe did Park Sunghoon have something Heeseung didnât? Not in this one, and the latter was continuously making sure of it.Â
âCan we talk about us?â he finally speaks up after the prolonged moment of uncomfortable silence. He doesn't really know what âusâ was. Definitely not a relationship. He doesn't do that, never has. He just prays that you actually had something smart to say.Â
âUs?â you bark back a laugh, and he leans against the beige pillow with a sigh.Â
Heeseung had been willingly ignoring the messages he saw you sending. He could always disguise that as not wanting to talk about it over text. But in reality, he didn't want to talk about it at all. He just hoped that a âsorryâ would be enough.Â
âYou know what I mean. Donât be stupidâ his voice is laced with a twinge of irritation. He didn't expect it to take this long for you to break.Â
âWhat the fuck are you even talking about, Heeseung?â you turn to face him fully now.Â
His hair is no longer dark red. Itâs brown, almost black. And he has a completely different haircut. It compliments his tan skin. Heâs also dressed differently. You canât quite recall seeing him like this.Â
âSeriously, what do you want to talk about? It wasnât real, not to you at least. So please, tell me what exactly it is that you want to talk aboutâ his expression is a mix of annoyance and anger now. His jaw clenches as his eyes narrow. You surely allowed yourself to say too much, didnât you?Â
âCareful, Y/n. Watch your toneâ he laughs menacingly, standing up from his seat. His hands grip the sides of your chair, as he stares down at you, his face too close for comfort.Â
âDownplay what we had, and whatâs still between us all you want. But you know itâs real. You might be wiser now, but you havenât really changed. You still want it just as muchâ his expression darkens, a defensiveness to his voice.Â
All he did was see the potential in you, the spark hidden beneath your innocent surface. He fed that fire, helped it grow until it burned through them both. Heeseung taught you to be a woman. He didn't wrong you, he helped you.Â
Leaning in, he nuzzles your neck, his breath hot on your skin âSo how about you quit acting all tough and just let me have you again, yeah?âÂ
He no longer knew how to control himself. No one did.Â
When he was younger he believed in God. Even when he started at Saint Matthewâs, he considered himself religious. Maybe he liked it because it made his nights just a little less lonely, or maybe because it filled him with a sense of identity. He knew that no matter what, thereâs always that one person, an otherworldly figure that will love him endlessly, have control over him.Â
And when he felt himself drift away from his faith, it became a saga of bad decisions after bad decisions. Not because he stopped believing, but because there was no longer anyone to control him.Â
âYou must be out of your fucking mind if you think Iâd do thatâ your lips are parted as he continues to brush his past your neck, jawline and mouth.Â
âKeep talking to me like that and youâll regret itâ he whispers with a sinful grin, his fingers reaching up to caress your cheek âLetâs just forget about what happened. You know I meant what I saidâÂ
âThat you love me?â you laugh, and you can notice him bite down on the inside of his cheek. âJust leave me alone, Heeseung. Go find someone else and Iâll do the sameâ you try to be as calm as possible. He canât know itâs affecting you.Â
Someone else? No, that canât be possible. You are the only one who listens to him, you are the only one thatâs there for every one of his requests. He canât just let you go like that. It wouldn't be that easy to replace you.Â
âSunghoon, right? That fucking prick, seriously?â he straightens his figure, letting out a frustrated sigh.Â
âI never brought him upâ you mutter, and he scoffs.Â
Heeseungâs eyes slightly narrow, while his lips press into a thin line.Â
The silence that follows is heavy, filled only by the quiet chatter of other people that were out here with you.Â
âPlease, Y/n. You canât do thisâ his tone becomes softer as a pleading look decorates his features.Â
You donât really know what else there is to say.Â
His words- louder and longer, were given a physical form and longevity as if they had a life of their own now.Â
It almost made you think you forgive him.Â
____Â
During morning prayer you saw him again.Â
He still had that lifeless look on his face, as if nothing had really changed at all. As if nothing ever happened in the first place. He was two rows in front of you, next to Niki and Sunoo.Â
You wanted to catch him looking at you, to have his eyes on you.Â
All the students gathered in the chapel next to the school at 7:30. Punctuality was key. Under no circumstances was tardiness allowed- those who dared to come in a minute late were not allowed to participate and got punished with after-school detention.Â
Heeseung knelt down next to you. You hoped Sunghoon wouldn't see it.Â
âIn the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amenâ
He signs the cross and so do you. âI missed youâ Heeseung whispers, his hand softly brushing against your thigh.Â
âDonâtâ you mutter back, swatting his hand away.Â
One of the students was leading today's Morning Offering.Â
You tried to focus on Sunghoon. Maybe his hair changed, or maybe his skin got tanner. He got a little skinnier, you note. Sunoo whispers something to him but he doesn't seem to listen.Â
âStop,â Heeseung whispers into your ear, his breath hot on your skin. You move away from him, watching how amusing this is for him.Â
âWhat?â His presence is strong, the pull almost working involuntarily.Â
â...Or does so much bad feeling accumulate within us that we learn to mold it into a big lump of emotions, with amnesties and pardons? Or does the presence of the other, who yesterday morning was almost like an intruder to us, become more and more necessary, because it protects us from our own hell?âÂ
You canât listen, you canât comprehend. No matter where, there's something pulling your attention.Â
âDonât look at himâ Heeseungâs voice is firm, his eyes on you. Heâs always watching.Â
After a short reflection is spoken, a brief moment of silence follows. You close your eyes, leaning forward.Â
"We pray for our community, that we may learn and grow together in love and wisdom," Â the intention is spoken, and after reciting a prayer together, the students start rising from their spots slowly.Â
Sunghoonâs gaze doesn't even wander in your direction. He doesn't look at anyone, speeding out of the chapel as soon as the prayer commences. You want to go after him, but Heeseung stops you before you could even fully decide on it.Â
âDonât goâÂ
You turn around, watching his eyes that are full of amusement.Â
Is he enjoying himself this much? Does this entertain him?Â
âHeeseung, stop it. Itâs over between us, remember? Leave me alone, seriouslyâ you donât sound heated or outraged. Not even resentful. Simply tired.Â
He doesn't react to your words. He knows you don't mean it.Â
You knew he wouldn't stop. You knew that as long as he was here, itâd never stop. He was obsessed and giving up wasn't really an option.Â
There were exceptions though. During study break, or lunch you wouldn't see him much. Maybe because the repugnance towards Jay and Jake was stronger than his willingness to see you. It didn't really matter though.Â
The part of you that liked the attention made you sick. It was hard to admit, and you most definitely wouldn't tell anyone. After everything, you still couldn't resent him. The hate continued to only bring you closer.Â
âWhen is New York?â Jake asked, his fingers tapping away on his laptop.Â
Jake was failing in most of his classes and he was slowly running out of time. What he had already learned stayed with him, but now, he had to catch up on a whole semester worth of material.Â
âNext week? I thinkâ you reply and he mutters something under his breath. You don't catch it.Â
âSuch a boring destinationâ Jay comments and you breathe out a chuckle in response. What an out of touch thing to say.Â
âWe know, Jongseong. Youâve been there, have an apartment in SoHo and plan on going to NYUâ he knows itâs a joke, heâs learned to not take offense to such silly things by now. But no one really calls him Jongseong.Â
Only his mother does. He hates it just as much as he hates her. But this time- he savors the sound, how easily it slips past your lips and how satisfyingly it rings in his ears.Â
A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips.Â
âIâve never beenâ Jake piques, and you murmur a âMe tooâ in response. He doesn't lift his eyes from the screen- itâs almost like heâs glued in place. Itâs only the occasional loud sound or cramp in his leg that makes him move.Â
The trip was only for juniors and seniors. It wasn't the cheapest, but Eunseok didn't comment when you asked him for the money. His worn-out figure just scribbled out a check and handed it to you.Â
The main point was supposed to be St. Patrickâs Cathedral. You didn't really care for the building. Jake didn't either. You two had already planned to sneak out for dinner and shopping while the tour went on.Â
âIâm rooming with Heeseungâ Jake sighed, taking off his glasses to wipe them with his blazer âThat fucking dickhead signed us up last week. Didn't even know until Mrs. Kim told meâÂ
Jay laughed. He passed Jake wet wipes, noticing how the boy canât get his glasses clean.Â
âIâm rooming with Sunghoon. Haven't really talked to him, thoughâ Jay says, and you both nod.Â
A small smile creeps onto your lips âIâm aloneâÂ
You didn't mind at all. You could do whatever you wished without an annoying bitch telling you to go to sleep because âyour phone screen is keeping her awakeâ.Â
âCan I stay with you? Pleaseâ Jake pleads and you shake your head almost instantly. The boy frowns upon seeing your reaction.Â
______Â
New York felt oddly familiar.Â
These faces- they didn't carry that sense of foreignness. Everyone went about their day without interest in what the person next to them is up to. You felt a good kind of loneliness even though you were never truly alone.Â
Little Italy and Chinatown were fun. Â
You, Jay and Jake managed to slip out for a second, sharing a meal at a Cantonese restaurant. The food was quite enjoyable and the ambience was great. Jay did complain a bit though.Â
That same night you went out for drinks. When all the guardians fell asleep, on cue, everyone sneaked out of their rooms. Heeseung, rooming with Jake, found out about the plans that he wasn't included in. Of course he still tagged along.Â
Jay mentioned that Sunghoon has been so quiet, it almost feels like suicide everytime they are in the room together.Â
âI ask him if he wants to shower first, right? And you know what this decadent bum does? Nothing. He wonât even reply to meâÂ
He wanted to complain more, but Heeseungâs angered and ostentatious sigh forced him to stop. He only looked over at Jake confused before switching to a different topic.Â
The next day you saw almost all the museums in Manhattan.Â
Your feet were in so much pain by the time you reached The Museum of Modern Art. While Jay and Jungwon walked around pretending to care for the artwork, you and Jake sat in a corner talking and recording dumb vlogs.Â
âSay hello to Jakeâs vlogâ he laughed, shoving the camera into your face. Jakeâs stupid smile could be heard from behind the screen, his amusement making the video much more adorable.Â
With an annoyed grimace, you shoved the camera away from your face. Jake was unrelenting and it made napping nearly impossible.Â
âWeâre in some shitty museumâ he said sadly, the tone complimenting his mock expression of misery âYou know what boggles me? That my dear friend Jay is pretending he likes this. No one likes this. Itâs all just ugly paintings that have a forced meaning attached to themâÂ
âBoggles me? What are you, fucking 50?â you laugh, looking over to him. âWhat else am I supposed to sayâ his lips twist in a downwards smile.
âJust say âHelloâ to my vlogâ he pleads again.Â
Rubbing your temples, a sigh escapes your lips again. You looked up at Jake before staring right into his phone camera.Â
âHelloâ your unenthusiastic tone was menacing to Jake.Â
He gave you a playful shove âHappierâ Jake commanded.Â
You look over at him wide eyed. After a moment of his unchanging stare, you plaster a forced smile on your face that doesn't quite reach your eyes.Â
âHiâ you even attempt a wave.Â
Jake laughed, and turned the camera to face him again. âThatâs my stripper friend Y/n. Call me to book a lap dance. Itâs realâ he whispered, the camera too close to his face.Â
He turned the camera back to you. You shook your head as a lighthearted laugh slipped past your parted lips âTurn this off, Jake. Youâre wasting storage, you fucking idiotâÂ
Later that day the two of them offered to go out again since Jay had actually brought the keys to his fathers apartment. You declined.Â
Maybe youâd try to call your brother, share some photos with him. It surprised you to actually get an answer. It didn't last long though- 5 minutes in he had to hang up because of an emergency surgery.Â
You think about Heeseung. You think about everything, really. In the evening waiting for him becomes much more annoying. The thought of him becomes unbearable, because youâre not supposed to think about him.Â
Rejecting him was almost an immediate reaction. The idea of him was much nicer than having him there, so raw and real in front of you.Â
It was strange to him too- fearing the days where you were away and he had no idea where youâd gone.Â
Thinking about Sunghoon was much more grounding. Much more humanly and justified. His blank stare and cold demeanor, unchanging. Nothing brought you the answer you needed. You wished heâd look at you long enough to see that same thirst for life he noticed back in December.Â
A knock at the door sounds through your hotel room. Itâs soft, barely audible.Â
Itâs probably Jake, or Jay. You look down at the time and note that itâs a reasonable time for them to be back. Theyâve been out for a good 3 hours now.Â
You open the door, and it doesn't really hit you at first. Sunghoon must've gotten the wrong room.Â
Your attempts to look calm are futile as your voice cracks âWhat are you doing here..?â he stands there for a moment, his lips parted. Itâs almost like he doesn't really know either.
As you step back to let him enter, he hesitates briefly âYouâre alone?â His voice is mellow. The dim light in the room casts a shadow on his face making him appear much more gloomy than usual.Â
You nod reluctantly. Your gaze is on him, searching, as if asking for permission to speak, continue.Â
There's a moment of deep silence. It isn't uncomfortable or awkward. He's in your presence and you're in his. That seems to be enough to console the immediate tranquility.Â
âDo you like it here?â he asks and it seems to strike you as unusual. He never really bothered to converse with others unless they initiated it.Â
The scene is oddly familiar. He sits next to you on the bed, propping his body up on his hands. Just like you were immensely aware of each other's closeness that night, it's the same today.Â
This time though it seems like it's Sunghoon's turn to find excuses to avoid the topic. And you let it happen.
âYeah. Itâs funâ you nod, and so does he. Against your will you ask a question that in different circumstances, wouldn't even make it past your throat- âAre you hiding from me?âÂ
Sunghoonâs heart skips a beat as he looks down at your hand. Itâs dangerously close to his thigh âNo, not from youâ his answer is hesitant.Â
âIt feels like itâ he bites the inside of his cheek at your words.Â
His fingers play with the fabric of your white sheets âMaybe in a way I wasâ his voice softens, his eyes scared to look at you. Â
âIn what way?â you mutter. The air feels ominous, as if you're both threatening the unchangeable.Â
âYou knowâ he starts, his hand reaching closer âI was afraid to be deniedâÂ
Sunghoon saw you call, his finger hovering over the answer button many times as he wondered what heâd even tell you. There were so many things he wanted to say. So heâd just flip the phone over.Â
Today he was braver. Or at least thatâs what he thought. Because being eye to eye with you again, stripped him of it all.Â
âI thought you knew I wouldn't. I called you. And texted, a lotâ you answered, and his lips pressed into a straight line.Â
His touch is tentative. Eventually, he reaches out towards you, his warm hand takes yours, interlacing your fingers âAnd I shouldâve answered. Iâm sorry. For not being moreâ he looks at you again, the warmth in his eyes genuine âBecause I know you wanted me to be moreâÂ
Tears prick at the corner of your eyes. You laugh âThis is so stupidâÂ
You halt the tears from spilling down your cheeks. Sunghoonâs lips form into a small smile âItâs notâÂ
You look down at your fingers intertwined. Heâs looking too.Â
You can hear some girls stumble their way into the room next to yours. Judging by the voice, you think itâs Minjeong. She says something about a 45 year old man coming to see her soon. She also seems to be begging her friend for one more drink âLast one, promise! Iâm not drunk enough, Ning!âÂ
Sunghoon doesn't say anything until the commotion dies down. Neither do you.Â
âSloshed at 11. Crazy workâ he chuckles, and so do you. You nod, thinking that Jake is probably somewhere in a corner, throwing up. He was definitely not the drinker everyone made him out to be.Â
He leans in closer, his eyes just for a moment searching yours for acceptance. His head falls down on your shoulder.Â
âHoon?â your voice is just above a whisper.Â
He hears it again. Itâs just as nice as it was back then. The sound is almost natural. He thinks you were made to call out to him. In contrast to last time, heâs much more optimistic.Â
He hums, ushering you to continue âDid you mean it?â He doesn't need you to explain, because he knows exactly what you're referring to.Â
A small laugh slips past his lips âI think me being here right now answers that one for youâ he rises from the softness of your shoulder slowly, savoring the intimacy. A small smile forms on your lips at his words.Â
Pulling back, your eyes fall onto him again. Being with Sunghoon was so easy.Â
He pats his lap gently. His eyes are soft, almost begging âCome hereâ he whispers. The words are heavy with longing. They mingle in the air for just a second longer.
You nod after a moment of hesitation. As you settle onto him, his arms weave around your waist. He draws you into his warmth with his delicate touch. His face nestles into the hollow of your neck as he breathes softly, melting into the comfort of your presence.Â
Something seemed to have removed the distance between you and Sunghoon, and for a moment you had the impression that there was absolutely no difference in wealth, age or anything else between you. It was a wonderfully free and unleashing moment where you werenât really expected to be anything.  Â
âIâm sorryâ he sounds shy, almost embarrassed.Â
Sunghoon was never the type to apologize. Heâd rather let the conflict simmer down on its own without any further interference. Yet here he was- being vulnerable and honest.Â
âYou already apologizedâ you smile, your fingers tangled in his hair.Â
He chuckles lightly âOnce is not enoughâ he mutters into your skin, the sound muffled. You feel his wet lips move against your neck.Â
He raises his head, looking down at you again. âCan I kiss you?â
A sense of contentment washes over you. You nod, lips parted, waiting for him.
He gently tilts your chin up, his gaze flickering between your eyes and your lips. A soft breath escapes you before he finally captures your lips in a deep, consuming kiss. It quickly grows messy, his hand sliding to the back of your neck. You grasp the neckline of his shirt as his tongue teases the seam of your mouthâseeking, almost begging for entrance.
Sunghoon pulls back, his breathing heavy, his lovesick eyes locked onto you. His lips glisten, slick with your desire.
He presses a trail of open-mouthed kisses along your neck, working his way down to your chest. You watch him through heavy lids, a teasing smile playing on his lips.
âSo pretty,â he murmurs, his voice low and rough. His hands slide beneath your shirt, fingers caressing your smooth skin. âUndress for me, please.â Thereâs a hint of desperation in his words as he tugs at the fabric.
You smile, cupping his cheek. Your thumb glides over his lips, gently parting them. âI donât knowâŠâ
He whimpers quietly, grinding his clothed erection against you. âDonât tease me. I need to see you.â His movements grow more frantic, his hands grasping at you like heâs desperate to feel every inch.
His face flushes with excitement as you hook your fingers under the hem of your shirt. âWant me to take this off?â
âFuck, yes.â He nods eagerly, eyes devouring your every movement. One hand drifts down, palming himself through his pants as he watches, entranced.
With slow, deliberate motions, you peel the fabric from your body and toss it onto a nearby chair. His eyes widen with each inch of skin revealed.
âYouâre desperate,â you tease, replacing his hand with your own. A feathery moan slips from his lips.
He throws his head back. âIs it obvious?â he breathes, and you confirm with a hum.
âI donât care,â he admits, his eyes slipping shut as he pushes into your palm, eager for more.
Sunghoon thought about this all the time. He felt like such a pervert, but God, it was finally happeningâand it was so much better than he ever imagined.
Last time, he was so close. Ten more minutes and a locked door, and he wouldâve had you. Heeseung might have been the first to have you, but Sunghoon planned to be the one who had you best. Heâd make you come over and over again until you forgot all about Lee Heeseung.
And judging by the way you were looking at him, it was already starting to work.
âI really need to fuck you,â he groans, biting his lower lip. His breathing is uneven. âSo bad.â His fingers trail up your thigh, his touch light, pleading.
âYeah?â You let out a small laugh, climbing off his lap. Your hands find the soft material of his pants.
He lifts his hips immediately, watching intently as your fingers slide the fabric down his legs.
Sunghoon can feel his heartbeat quickening, his whole body trembling with anticipation. You didnât know he could get like this. You also didnât know youâd like it so much.
His breath hitches when you toy with the waistband of his boxers, his legs spreading involuntarily. âTake them off, pretty,â he rasps, his voice cracking. âSee how hard I am for you.â
You bite the inside of your cheek, slipping his underwear down. He groans as the fabric slides along his length, his cock springing free.
You prop yourself up on one hand, the other lingering around his thick, leaking length. âWant me to touch you?â
He exhales sharply, his cock twitching against his lower abdomen. âMhm.â He props himself up on his elbows, eyes dark with need. âPlease.â
You press your palm against his tip, moving in slow, circular motions. His breath turns ragged as he throws his head back, surrendering to the feeling.
As your confidence grows, so does your pace. Your hand strokes him, faster, firmer. He pants lightly, looking down at you through half-lidded eyes. âRide me.â
You smirk and nod, slipping out of your shorts, fingers teasing the waistband of your underwear. He bites his lip, eyes smoldering with lust as his legs spread wider in invitation.
âTake them off me,â you whisper.
He looks up at you, almost as if seeking permission, before ripping the material away.
Heâs so desperate to feel you, to touch you, that he wastes no time pulling you back onto his lap.
Sunghoon is mesmerized. Heâs been with other girls before, but this is the first time heâs had to work for it. He usually just got what he wanted, no effort required. But now, with you, it feels like a reward. And he plans to cherish every second.
Youâve waited for this moment, savoring every touch, every lingering glance. Each look from him feels like a compliment and promise of something more.
He grips his throbbing length, aligning himself with your entrance. His other hand rests on your hip, steadying you. You can feel his tip pressing against you, and a low moan slips from your lips. He gazes up at you one more time, and you nod.
Slowly, you sink down onto him, your walls stretching to accommodate his thick length. A sharp gasp escapes you as you adjust, his fingers digging into your skin.
âFuck, HoonâŠâ He keeps his hold firm, guiding you. âLike this? Is this what you wanted?â
âSo fucking good,â he groans. His cock throbs inside you, hitting all the right spots with each downward roll of your hips. âDonât stop.â His voice is raw with need.
He thrusts up to meet you, his whole body trembling as the wet heat of your cunt envelopes him completely. His self-control is slipping fast. If he had known it would feel this good, he never would have let Heeseung have you first. He would have taken you from the beginning.
You start to move faster, rocking your hips, pleasure building between you both. The sounds of your moans mix with the rhythmic slap of skin against skin.
âSo perfect,â he mutters through heavy breaths. âYouâre so perfect.â
Your head falls back as Sunghoon presses a hand against your stomach, feeling himself inside you. He grits his teeth, trying to hold back, trying to make it last. But he can already feel itâthe tightening coil deep in his core.
âI canât,â you pant, your walls fluttering around him. The need for release is overwhelming.
With those words, he loses it. He pulls you flush against his chest, thrusting up into you at a frantic pace. âFuckâgonna cum so deep inside you.â
His teeth sink into your shoulder, leaving red marks in their wake.
âSo close, Hoon,â you whimper, and it pushes him to the edge.
He buries himself to the hilt, a guttural moan tearing from his throat as he spills inside you, thick and hot, filling you completely. His eyes roll back as he comes, shuddering beneath you.
Youâre right behind him, your climax crashing over you in waves. Your body quivers, collapsing onto his sweaty chest. His cum seeps from your still-clenching walls as he slowly slips out, savoring every second of your tight heat around him.
He watches his seed leak from your fucked-out hole, a satisfied smile tugging at his lips. âSo pretty,â he murmurs, his voice hoarse.
With a sigh, he falls onto his back, pulling you down with him.
Sunghoon feels completely content, his fingers lazily tracing patterns along your spine. He can feel your breath against his neck, warm and steady, making him smile.
Today feels like the first day of his life.
âŠ.
The rest of the trip was unparalleled. For you and Sunghoon at least. Others could wish to say the same thing.Â
Everyday he'd attempt to sneak into your room at night. He even created a special sequence of knocks just so you'd be sure it's him. Jay didn't seem to suspect anything.Â
On Wednesday night while using the bathroom he said he wants to film a Get Ready With Me. Just like the ones he'd seen on social media. You laughed, and agreed. This was so unlike him. In a good way though.Â
You think about the unrecorded parts- how he stood in between your legs, his face twisted in discomfort as you clear his skin.Â
 âYour lipstick choice is fucking terrible. Coral is not your color, Hoonâ you smile widely.Â
His lips were terribly overlined. The brown pigment reached high beyond his actual mouth. Sunghoon looked so stupid, but to you, it was adorable.Â
âDo it for me next timeâ a fond smile spreads across his face. He holds your hand, his thumb tenderly rubbing your soft skin.Â
You look at him with a raised eyebrow âNext time? Didnât know my princess liked getting her makeup doneâ he playfully rolls his eyes at you.Â
âToo farâ he tries to hold back a smile, but his twitching lip gives it away âKeep goingâ he looks at the cotton pad in your other hand.Â
You nod, scooting just a little closer to him.Â
Sunghoon stood there silently, eyes closed. His body twitches involuntarily as your fingers graze against his skin. He feels your soft breathing against his neck. The warmth mixed with the soothing swipe of the cotton pad against his face, sends a shiver down his spine, as his body naturally relaxes against you.Â
âGoneâ you smile and his eyes flush open. His reflection stares back at him in the mirror.Â
His skin is irritated, he can tell. And usually heâd freak out. But now, he doesn't seem to really care.Â
The doting look in his eyes searched your expression, his hands sliding up and down your bare thighs.Â
âYouâre so hot,â he says. A small smirk creeps up on his lips as he keeps inching closer.Â
âSunghoonâ you glare at him, attempting to look serious. His soft laughter breaks the facade pretty quickly.Â
Without another word he presses his slightly stained lips against yours. He smiles against you, his mouth opening faintly. He reaches up to hold your cheek, chest pressing against yours. A moan escapes your mouth as he deepens the kiss. His tongue swipes your bottom lip before slipping past it.Â
During field trips heâd find himself drifting closer to you. And when free time came around, he'd run off with you to different parts of the city he once fell in love with.Â
With his arm around your shoulders, heâd point to cafes, restaurants, street art and even benches. He was truly happy. And even if you weren't paying attention to his stories, the genuine smile on his face was enough.Â
âNo wayâ you gasp, the amusement evident on your face as you peel away his sleeve slightly âI swear Jake and Jay have the same oneâÂ
Sunghoon laughs, watching you analyze the â4â tattoo on his wrist.Â
âThey do,â he smiles weakly. âHeeseung has it tooâ you never noticed.Â
You always knew about Jayâs- it was on his right palm. Just recently you saw Jake had it too, hidden on the back of his neck.Â
âHe does?â Sunghoon nods and points to his ankle.Â
It's almost been a year since they got it, but the ink has already started fading away. In a way, Sunghoon was relieved.Â
âWe were so fucking out of it that nightâ he starts, and you turn to face him. âIt was in Tokyo, I think? This girl we met, she was a tattoo artistâ he looks down at it too and his eyes seem to light up âWe thought it'd be funny âÂ
You grab onto his wrist as he speaks again âMy mom was so mad when she found out. She wanted it removed but I was such a fucking asshole to her back then, so I didn't listenâ you donât let go, moving your fingers upwards to hold onto his hand. He smiles.Â
âYou look badass. Sort ofâ he chuckles, shaking his head.Â
âIt looks bad and ass. And I swear her ink was from Aliexpressâ he pulls you into his chest.Â
It was getting dark outside, but the city was only becoming livelier. Everyone was in a rush, but their ambition and passion was almost tangible.Â
âIâm jealous then. Matching tattoos, that's serious dedicationâ you smile and he laughs at the comment.Â
His chin rests on the top of your head, his breathing slow and steady. He watches the orange haze that falls onto the landscape.Â
âIâll get your name tattooedâ you hum and it almost sounds like you're judging him. He chuckles âSwear to GodâÂ
âYouâre insaneâÂ
The next day heâd find a new spot to take you to. He was a better tour guide than your English teacher, youâd tell him.Â
And Heeseung knew about it all. To say he was angry would be an understatement.Â
He passed by St. Marks Place with Karina. The girl told him something about her sister being interested in him. He didn't really listen to her though.
 So many people passed by him- maybe 40 in the span of 5 seconds. A lot of them looked similar. New York fashion is diverse, but it really just comes down to the same thing, he notes.Â
Yet he pays attention to them all, especially the two oddly familiar faces that stand in front of him, playing with a passerbys dog.Â
Until now, Heeseung was pretty sure he had the situation under control. He was giving you the distance he deemed necessary. Still, his eyes never left you. And when they did, once, but for a period longer than ever, you manage to find yourself in the arms of Park Sunghoon again.Â
Karina notices it too. He told her all about it, the whole story. She knew he was short-tempered so she never really told him that this wasn't healthy. Itâd be on the tip of her tongue every time, lingering far too long for comfort. By the time she was ready, heâd change the topic.Â
âSheâs being unreasonable, right? Tell me Iâm not insaneâ he asked. His eyes focused on the last sip of whiskey in his glass.Â
You are, she thinks.Â
âYou canât just expect her to move on because you said soâ she wants to laugh, but judging by his worn-out expression, heâs not in the mood for humor.Â
He scoffs. Why not? You never had an issue listening to him.
âI didnât say soâ he replies, and she looks at him with her eyebrow raised âI said sorry, Rina. What the fuck else is there to say?âÂ
âNothingâ Karinaâs reply is almost automatic âThatâs really the thing, you know? Sometimes sorry isnât enoughâ her attempts at âcomfortâ are fruitless- his head falls on the table after he finishes whatever was left of his drink.Â
âDoes this haircut make my face look weird?âÂ
Karina would laugh it off. Sheâd just let him go on about his haircut, the shoes he bought today, Jakeâs glasses that he accidentally stepped on and the stray cat that almost bit him.Â
She knew that it was a matter of time until heâd bring you up again. It was a cycle that never ended.Â
While you deny him love, you give it to the same person heâs been trying to erase. And in a way itâs his fault- he left the cage open and you walked out.Â
____
âAre you fucking serious right now? Two parents but still canât slice up a tomatoâ Jay scolds the younger boy that was forced to help him in the kitchen.Â
âWhat does that have to do with anything?â Jake retorts, his expression tired as he gives up on the job completely. The massacred tomato lies on the cutting board which Jay swiftly takes over.Â
âEverything, Jake. Literally everythingâ he sighs, sending Jake away with his hand.Â
Dinners, hangouts, parties and suddenly everything fell into place. There no longer was the inexplicable animosity hanging in the air. It felt strange at first- the conversations and acts of kindness turned into something a lot more authentic and domestic. This is what you missed the most, it seems.Â
âYouâre not getting into Harvard, fucking dumbassâ Sunghoon laughed, digging his fork into the food prepared by Jay (and as he himself argued, Jake, who waited for the water to boil before dumping in the pasta).Â
âMy grades are better nowâ Jake asserted âYouâll see, Iâll have the last laugh. Just waitâ the threat and seriousness in his expression makes you chuckle.Â
âIâm gonna stay hereâ Sunghoon smiles. You look at him confused. You well remember him mentioning Princeton.Â
âWhat about Princeton?â Jay brings it up before you manage to do so. Sunghoon shakes his head, setting down his utensils.Â
âMy step-mom is sick,â he reveals. You grab his hand under the table, and he squeezes hard âSheâll be fine, donât worry. I just want to be with my family for now. Maybe in the future Iâll transferâ he adds with a smile.Â
Sunghoon has never been particularly close to his mother or his step-mother. It was a choice for him.Â
Jeongja, his mothers girlfriend, came into his life when he was 5 years old. She took care of him like he was her own. âBlood is not a requirement when it comes to family. Iâll always love you like a son, Sunghoon. Will you remember that?â she told him one day. He always thinks about that time. Sunghoon has always been so loved and he wishes he gave it back sooner, not when he was on the brink of losing her.Â
Jay feels a pang of guilt in his chest at his words. Maybe one day he could learn to love his mother again. Not today, not tomorrow but one day. He wants that, more than anything.Â
The day comes to a close soon enough, leaving you and Sunghoon to bask in each other's embrace.Â
His head is on your stomach, as you play with his hair. Itâs grown quite long, especially in the back.Â
âTwo days before New Year's I was at the event hosted by Heeseungâs fatherâ he starts. You donât say anything, allowing him to continue âI talked to Heeseung then. That was the last time, actuallyâ he chuckles lightly. Thereâs a hint of sadness in his tone, but he can't quite tell why.Â
âYou know he actually likes you?â it doesn't shock you like he expected it to. He doesn't comment on it though, letting you find the right words in reply.Â
âI knowâ you say, and he sits up abruptly, looking at you.Â
âYou do?â He seems puzzled. It has been so long since heâs seen or even talked to Heeseung. He wouldn't know.Â
Maybe there is a part of him that misses the boy. He was his first friend at Saint Matthewâs Academy. He welcomed him like theyâd been friends since forever. Heeseung put up with his initial shyness even when it seemed like everyone else couldn't anymore.Â
Sunghoon always smiles when he thinks about his first day. Lee Heeseung spotted him in the crowd, and without an introduction, swung his arm around his shoulder, talking to him like an old friend.Â
He introduced him to Wonyoung, his first actual girlfriend. Even though he wasn't on the best terms with her right now, even though he was with her out of convenience, the memory of their time shared together makes his heart just a little warmer.Â
Heeseung was the one who gave him a life. And he loved him, which made leaving 10 times harder.Â
Even so, he doesn't regret the decision. He knew it was pointless to live with the idea of his once best friend that wasn't really accurate anymore. They both deserved better than each other.Â
âHeâs made it pretty clearâ your lips form into a downwards smile.
Sunghoon looks away from you for a brief moment as he speaks up âAnd it doesn't change anything?âÂ
âWhat do you mean?â you tilt your head in question.Â
Sunghoon exhales sharply. Even though he knows what answer to expect, thereâs still that ounce of fear in him. Fear that stems from being second, being the âafterpartyâ.Â
âYou still choose this? Even if you know it wasn't necessarily fake after all?â he asks even though he knows he shouldn't.Â
You smile, and pull him back into your chest âI should've chosen this from the beginningâ he feels his heart grow bigger, a heat rising to his face âIt doesn't matter what it was, not really. Didnât you know Iâd come back to you?â he chuckles and shakes his head.Â
âIâm happy you didâ he murmurs, his eyes shutting. Your hand slips under his shirt, caressing the soft skin on his back âYou know, if he ever made you feel worse than us, I hope you know itâs not true. Youâre a good girl, and I always knew it. You deserve more, and Iâll make sure you get it, okay?âÂ
You smile lightly, and nod.Â
You look over at the dirty dishes in the sink, messy dinner table, and sigh softly as you think about all the work thatâll have to be conquered soon.Â
But you let him fall asleep on your chest, and it feels good. Even if there's things left undone.Â
____
 It was Jungwonâs birthday dinner today.Â
After the school trip you two have grown much closer. He would visit you during breaks or sometimes join you in the study hall. Heâd even given up his seat next to Jay (who was surprisingly really good at the subject) in French class to sit with you.Â
Jungwon would talk a lot about his girlfriend, Binna. She went to a public school not far from here and met Jungwon during a student exchange program to Sweden. Sheâd always tell him what people at her school thought about the well renowned, enclosed community of St. Matthewâs. It wasnât entirely positive, and since Binna was dating one of the âstuck-up dickheads that probably wipes his ass with $100 billsâ, they wouldnât really include her in the conversations anymore.Â
But you enjoyed hearing about her. Jungwon would ask for advice regarding gifts, places he should take her and things he could do to make her feel loved. And youâd always give it to him.Â
He showed you countless pictures of her, always struggling with choosing one âShe looks pretty in all of these, I swear!âÂ
Her brown hair covered her face slightly but you could still see her beautiful face. Big, doe eyes, plump lips that were rosewood pink. She had a scar under her right eye. You thought it made her look so stunning. Jungwon did too.Â
During his birthday dinner, you saw them together for the first time. It was almost like he forgot what he was here for in the first place, his attention on her only.Â
You sat next to Sunghoon and Jake. Jay sat next to Jake with Niki on his right. Heeseung sat across from you, Karina next to him on the left, Sunoo on his other side. The other people there you didnât really recognize.Â
The relationship between you and Jungwon wasnât the only thing that changed. A lot of things did.Â
âLetâs go back to my house after thisâ he leaned in closer to you. He didnât have to even whisper, the conversations that surrounded you ringing in your ears. The music was loud too. You think Sade is playing, but you're not sure.Â
Jake, although currently arguing with Jay about baseball clubs, notices. He caught on pretty early. During a walk after school, he brought it up. âBack in the game, huh? How did you even get him to talk?â. He knew you wouldnât admit to anything, but it was funny to watch you get flustered at his comments.Â
âWonât you be tired?â you ask, and he laughs softly. Tired after eating a free dinner, and cracking a few fake smiles? This was like a day job for him. Countless dinners with his biological father, whom he truly despised, or CEOâs of other successful companies, or with Wonyoung and her parents (he hated those oneâs the most). Heâs used to it by now.Â
He shakes his head ânoâ which causes you to smile. His hand lingers next to your thigh. Heâs tempted to touch you, but Heeseungâs piercing gaze prevents him. He doesnât know why. Itâll end soon, surely.Â
You look over at Jay who's now in conversation with Niki. Itâs a little shocking to see them like this.Â
Niki never liked Jay, and Jay didnât like him either. Even if he was meant to marry his sister one day (which he saw maybe four times in his life, but truly wasnât opposed to- she was so beautiful), Niki just couldnât care less about Park Jongseong. They seem to be laughing at something now and it doesn't look forced, not at all. Itâs a rare view and you almost take a photo. You could tease him with it later.Â
Jake turns to you and Sunghoon, noting how the boy is much more talkative when heâs with you.Â
âIâll be backâ you say, and Sunghoon nods, watching you stand up. He wants to say âIâll miss youâ, but thinks itâs incredibly corny.Â
The restaurant is crowded tonight. You seem to be the only big group of people there. You smile while passing an older couple thatâs celebrating the wifeâs birthday, a small cake and a big bouquet in a glass vase on the table.Â
Warm water slides down your fingers, drips down your wrist as you watch your reflection in the mirror.
January seeped into February while you became better. That's what you want to believe at least. While the hair dye keeps fading away, you think about how Heeseung suggested the color. When you touch what's left of your lip piercing (only a healed scar), you remember how he picked it out for you. Itâs not inherently bad to change yourself for someone, but you wish you hadn't become everything you never wanted to be.Â
The door opens, the creak sounding through the bathroom. You don't look up, instead shaking the wetness off your hands.Â
âStill scared of the hand-dryer?â he leans against the wall. His tone is almost mocking, and usually youâd laugh with him. But today, just like yesterday and the day before that too, you don't feel like talking to Lee Heeseung.Â
âHeeseung, Iâm not in the moodâ Your tone is flat and his expression- unchanging. âI already told you everything I had to sayâÂ
âDo I make you feel sick? Do you think about what happened between us and feel sick?â You're taken aback by his sudden question.Â
There's a moment of painful silence as he gauges your reaction. You look at him with utter confusion, but his expression doesn't seem to falter- he's calm, almost too calm.Â
For the weeks after New York, Heeseung went back to ignoring you. You wouldn't see him much either, as he spent most of his time with Karina or a group of guys from your grade. Sometimes, heâd look at you for a moment longer than intended. His lips would part, as if he wanted to say something, but he never did.Â
Heeseung started ignoring you, and for the first time since you met him, it was okay.Â
âWhat?â you choke out, and he doesn't repeat. You heard him the first time, didn't you? âN- No. What are you even talking about?âÂ
He scoffs, his eyes on the floor. Your back is pressed against the sink as you wait for him to continue.Â
âThen why him? We were good togetherâ he doesn't sound sad, or resentful. It's almost like the question comes out automatically, like it's standard procedure.Â
You want to laugh. He sounds robotic, his âapologyâ most likely rehearsed. No matter how much time passes, no matter what happens and what doesn't, Heeseung doesn't quite get it. Not at all.Â
âI want someone who doesn't see me as a gameâ you speak and he doesn't fire back- instead he nods. âAnd honestly, I really don't give a fuck what changed in the middle. You should've told me then, not after we had sexâ he cringes at the reminder.Â
Was sorry really not enough? He needs a breakthrough, but nothing seems to work.Â
The last time he felt like this was when his first real girlfriend broke up with him to be with his brother. They're still together- a stinging reminder of what Heeseung couldn't be.Â
He remembers begging her to stay, standing in front of her, a desperate look on his face âIâll be betterâ . She just laughed in his face. He felt like such an idiot.Â
And it happens yet again- it's just never enough. He's never enough.Â
He sighs, his expression changing âDo I have to kill him to get my fucking life back?âÂ
You look at him confused âI- I don't understandâ he shakes his head. His body peels off the wall, as he comes closer to you.Â
âThat dickhead has it. He stole my lifeâ his voice is just above a whisper, his eyes darkening. You donât reply, a look of hesitancy on your features.Â
His friends, his almost girlfriend, his social status- Sunghoon took it away. He stole his identity, everything he's ever worked for. Heeseung had nothing left.Â
His hand lands on your shoulder, his touch tentative at first âIâll be betterâÂ
He watches you sigh, a twinge of sadness in your eyes that can't look at him. A flash of hope crosses his face, but Heeseung knows it's pointless- he already lost. A long time ago.Â
âIt doesn't matter anymore, reallyâ you finally speak âAnd I don't think Iâll ever be over the person you were before, HeeseungâÂ
Heeseung looked like he knew this was coming. Probably because he did.Â
He could say some cliche shit like âYou know Iâll always love you?â or âCan you kiss me for the last time?â, but he doesn't. He nods. Maybe because he knew this far longer than he'd like to admit.Â
Heeseung recalls the moment he first saw you like it was yesterday. He was being a douche, wasn't he? It always went the same- he showers you with compliments, makes you think heâs emotionally intelligent, and eventually heâd have some fun with you. He never knew itâd go this far, no.Â
Now, he hates himself for being so fucking stupid, so reckless. But again, he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret long. They knew, they all did. And time already showed him that they wouldn't wait with the truth. They just would, they all would.Â
Heâs glad to be leaving soon. Changing schools was never his plan- but it no longer made sense for him to be here. Heâs sure thereâs nicer things waiting for him in Kyoto.Â
Heâs sure thereâs a better version of him there.
Heeseung wants to tell you that this stupid birthday dinner for silly, little Yang Jungwon is most likely the last time heâll see you. He wants to tell you that those rumors about him moving are true, but he bites his tongue. You probably knew anyway, and you probably didn't care.Â
He hugs you, and you let him. You let him hold you, and you pretend not to hear his quiet sniffles. He wouldn't want you to see him like this. Deep down he hopes that maybe eternal return is real, and heâll get to have you in the exact same way again at one time.Â
Heeseung moves away from you, his glossy eyes glazing over your figure. He moves for the door handle, opening the door. The world becomes much louder again, as the line of tables spreads out in the distance.
âAfter youâ he smiles weakly, his eyes avoiding you.Â
You reciprocate the same weak, apologetic smile. Stepping out of the bathroom you don't look back, heading straight for the table you came from.Â
You could've kept avoiding it, ignoring the growing pain in your chest whenever he crossed you. But you owed it to him.Â
There's a flash of guilt on your features as you approach everyone. But seeing Sunghoon laughing so effortlessly and purely with Jake and Jay again makes your lips curve into a small, genuine smile again.Â
âAre you okay?â his wide smile doesn't falter as Sunghoon turns to look at you. Thereâs a bit of concern in his tone as speaks, though. You nod.Â
âWhereâs Karina?â you ask, noticing the two empty seats.Â
They think itâs weird- you asking about Karina of all people. But no one bothers to really make a comment about it.Â
âShe left with Heeseung like 10 minutes ago. Didn't you see them leaving?â Jake questions.Â
âNoâ your gaze falls onto Sunghoon again. He looks so happy, and free. It didn't use to be like this. âLetâs get out of hereâ you lean down, your face at level with his.Â
He nods, moving swiftly as he collects his belongings âYeah. Letâs go. If youâre not tiredâ he grins. You roll your eyes playfully, shoving him softly.Â
He holds your hand, his skin so delicate and smooth against yours. His grip is tight, as if heâs scared something might take you away from him.Â
âLetâs go be tired together, yeah?â he nods with a smile, looking down at you.Â
And the bittersweetness of February 9th stains you like the blood of a plump cherry on a summer day. But it was always meant to be this way, you think.Â
â"do you know about all the filth that goes on in here?"
SYNOPSIS âž» being a smart kid comes with a lot of advantages; one of them being a full scholarship to one of the best schools in the country. one of the best school's that's filled to the brim with disgustingly rich teenagers. Heeseung knows you're not like them, and he also knows that'll be easy to take advantage of.
PAIRING âž» toxic!heeseung x innocentfem!reader
GENRE âž» strangers to lovers, private school au, smut, fluff, angst (idek tbh)
TAGS âž» characters are all 18 or older, toxic relationships, misogyny, alcohol abuse, smoking, marijuana/cannabis mention, partying, underage drinking, foul language, cheating (not really though) power imbalance, abuse (punches are getting thrown..) , kinda love triangle?? , making out, oral sex (f. and m. receiving), virginity loss, p in v, pet names, unprotected sex, creampie, tell me if i missed something!
WORDCOUNT âž» 21k
PART TWO
everything here is FICTIONAL, it is not real. this was created for entertainment purposes only. MINORS DNI.
âNo Eunseok, I donât want to go anywhere!â you grit your teeth, backing away from your older brother.Â
He sighed, and with his hand pulled your wrist towards the doorway. You were acting like a brat, and he had absolutely no interest in fighting with you right now. From your standpoint, you had every reason to be behaving this way.Â
âThere are thousands- no, millions of people your age who would die for an opportunity like this, and you're going to act like a child? Grow up, Y/nâ he let out a steady breath as an attempt to calm himself down.Â
In some way, you put yourself in this situation. Flawless scores on all your exams, juggling multiple extracurriculars and excelling at every single one of them, participating in every Model UN you could get your hands on, making a name for yourself- being somebody. It all led to you being noticed by prestigious schools, who practically begged to host you, even though deep down, you were a nobody.Â
Your parents weren't snobby rich people, who thrived off of other people's ideas and failure. They weren't greedy either, working normal 9 to 5 jobs.Â
When you were merely 12 years old they had left to go work at your uncle's company overseas, hoping that itâll allow them to make enough money to pay for your brotherâs med school tuition and potentially have the money to fund a future clinic of his. They promised to come back as soon as Eunseok finished school and started a stable job. But they never did.Â
Eunseok, who was 7 years older than you, was always the favorite child. No matter how well you did or how bad he did, Eunseok was number one in your parents' hearts. There was never a family reunion where Eunseokâs medical career as a surgeon wasn't brought up- and when it did end up getting shoved into the conversation, it didn't stop until all the lights turned off.Â
And of course, you felt bad for your brother. He had to balance taking care of you and being a surgeon for fucks sake, but that didn't mean you couldn't feel lonely most of the time. You had a free hand when it came to inviting friends over, but unfortunately their strict parents and every other circumstance never allowed them to stay longer than one night. Your only family, your older brother who you looked up to was just never there, and you just sank deeper into your loneliness whenever he called and apologized for a sudden surgery that came up.Â
But still, Eunseok, was just perfect, you had no choice but to try and keep up with him.Â
So when the letter from Saint Matthewâs Academy came in the mail, offering you a spot in their school, with the tuition fully paid for by them, you didn't even think twice.Â
And now you regret that, badly.Â
St. Matthews Academy was a private school next to the town you grew up in. It was also an exceptionally expensive place, with tuition fees racking up to about $80.000 per year. Going there would be a privilege to most people your age, but the students there saw it as a regular school without anything special to offer them. Even if they weren't going to inherit their parentsâ company's, they were truly set up for the rest of their lives anyways.Â
You hadn't really done any research on the school before accepting their offer, only aware of their students academic achievements and high level of education. The more you found out, the more the idea of being a student terrified you.Â
You would stick out like a sore thumb amidst the successful people who had a chairman position prescribed before birth.Â
âItâll be okay, do you think if I let the fear get to me, Iâd be a SNU alumni now?â Eunseok asked, focused on the road as he drove you right into the gates of your own, personal hell.Â
âWe get it, you finished SNU and are a surgeon now, blah blah blahâ you said, and he rolled his eyes playfully.Â
âIâm just trying to help you. I doubt those kids are going to be that bad. They have a reputation to upkeep anyways, canât be caught bullyingâ he tried to calm you down, but everytime he opened his mouth, he just made it worse.Â
âEunseok, youâre making it worseâ you murmured, tucking at the skin of your thumb. He placed his hand on yours, preventing you from continuing with your bad habits âThatâs exactly why Iâm scared. These kids are disgustingly rich, and people like us-Â well we're like ants compared to them. They have an image to polish, and I have none of thatâ you continued, and he frowned lightly, his heart breaking at your, his little sisters, words.Â
âDo you seriously think you got to be in this position cause youâre a nobody? I donât think regular and undeserving people have been given a full scholarship to a school like Saint Matthewâs. Nobody has been given a scholarship from them reallyâ Eunseok said, making you feel slightly more confident âI can turn around, you can withdraw, but I think youâll regret thatâ he said, with a light smile which you reciprocated.Â
Maybe you should have told him to turn around back then, maybe you should've denied the offer or thrown it away the moment you saw the letter with that heinous stamp.Â
_____Â
No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't stop thinking about what your first day was going to be like. Some dreams portrayed you as the future top 3 of the school, and some seemed to make you out to be the outcast loser who canât seem to find anyone whoâd befriend her.Â
It was nearly impossible to get those images out of your head. You thought about lying about your background, falsifying stories about your parents who own giant multi-utility corporations that supply petrol and energy to half the country, but that was pointless.Â
You could either be made fun of for lying or made fun of for being a âpoor nobodyâ. None of them seemed right, but one didn't lead to being incredibly embarrassed for the rest of highschool.Â
The building did not have any correlation with the one that you imagined, the one that you constantly dreamed about. It looked nothing like the modern, smart, couple story construction that clouded your mind beyond arrival, and because of their strict laws, pictures and videos of both the inside and outside were strictly prohibited.Â
So all you had left was to make up your own assumptions, and the old fashioned, palace looking property was definitely not one of them. You assumed that the millions of dollars in tuition that flow into the headmaster's account every year could at least allow him to renovate the building.Â
But it seemed as if the gray, dirty, moss covered outer walls had a special meaning you didn't quite understand.Â
You definitely weren't a sucker for historical architecture, and this building looked more like a nightmare than a dream to you.Â
At the front office, the lady had confiscated your phone, with a smile explaining why they do it, and asking you to pick it up after classes are over. She had a creepy aura surrounding her, and you begged for her small introduction to finish as soon as possible.Â
âIâll let Wonyoung, your class president, give you a tour around our school. She should be here in a moment, dearâ she smiled eagerly at you, and you found it hard to reciprocate her seemingly innocent expression.Â
You never expected Wonyoung to be an actual angel, her figure already shining brightly as she strides towards you. You wondered how it was possible for someone to make a school uniform look this good. Her hair was long and silky, and her bangs just looked fake with how fresh and bouncy they were.Â
You smoothed down your uniform and fixed up your hair as she got closer to you and the eerie lady next to you.Â
âYou're the new student, right?â she waved at you, and shot you with a pretty smile.Â
You had no idea how to behave, acknowledging that she probably came from a wealthy family that practically owns the country.Â
But Wonyoung was a little different. Her parents didn't own any big corporations or participate in any other money making schemes. Both her mom and dad met on the set for a movie that later led them to become the highest paid actors in the industry. It was pretty comical to say she was different as she still was considered a product of nepotism in the modeling world that she was so active in. She hadn't even finished highschool, but had already walked for brands like Gucci, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Maison Margiela and more. Maybe it was her pretty face or just her parents' wild connections.Â
âMind if I give you a small tour? It can get complicated around hereâ she asked, her tone so delicate.Â
If anything you should be thanking her for sparing you with a little bit of time, thanking her for even allowing someone like you to be in the presence of someone like her.Â
You nodded your head not able to let a single word out, afraid to embarrass yourself. With a smile Wonyoung locked her arm with yours, and kept you close by her side as she showed you around the place.Â
âThis is the cafeteria, but I wouldn't recommend you going there, the food is awfulâ she said, and you laughed lightly at her expression.Â
Was it awful cause it wasn't a three course meal with caviar, steak and truffles for dessert or was it actually not that good. You really did not fit in here and you haven't met anyone else.
âWell I see that guy is enjoying itâ you commented, noticing a tall, skinny boy laughing with his friend as he consumed something you couldn't quite recognize.Â
Wonyoung laughed, in the most elegant way possible, and her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink âThatâs Park Sunghoon, my boyfriend. He will eat anything, seriouslyâ she stated and you nodded with a chuckle.Â
Park Sunghoon was son to Park Jiwon, the CEO of ParkJin Electronics. His mother had worked hard all her life to build up her own empire, resulting in him being raised mainly by nannies and his cousins. Still, he was spoiled and cocky, his family allegedly had royal roots, and even though he didn't know himself, he boasted about it every single occasion he got. He didn't seem to care much about studying, since he was the only child his mother ever had, he was next in line to inherit her electronic empire. Yet something in him felt the desire to prove to everyone that no matter what, he deserved to take over. Â
He also surrounded himself with people of the same social status and net worth as him, so thatâs probably why he treated Wonyoung so differently, even though she was his literal girlfriend. Wonyoung was rich, but she could never compare to the millions his mother earned yearly.Â
Yet he was so good at pretending and gaslighting the girl into believing she's the bad person for lashing out on him after he called her âthe type of person who polishes shoes for people like himâ. He was just joking around, right? But the poor girl took it because the good moments overshadowed the absolute idiot Park Sunghoon was capable of being.Â
âAnd next to him? Whoâs thatâ you asked, politely pointing towards the blond boy next to him whoâs jawline looked like it was shaped by Micheal Angelo himself.Â
âThatâs Jongseong, but we just call him Jay,â Wonyoung answered, looking at you with a pretty smile. Did everything she does have to be so annoyingly beautiful and perfect?Â
Park Jay was born in Seattle, so he was the American heartthrob that flexed his posh English skills in order to pull girls he had no interest in having serious relationships with. His dad owned the biggest hospital in the country, and on top of that had plastic surgery salons opened in practically every city. His parents had divorced when his dad's businesses started to gain popularity and bring in more money. His father assumed that his wife no longer appealed to him, and she would just be like a parasite- living off of his success. And since Jay had been harshly raised by his rough father, he shared the same opinion about his mother. Not having a motherly figure present in his life, surrounding himself with his fathers girlfriends who were only 10 years older than him, he became a Andrew Tate worshiping incel whoâs main focus was making money and convincing everyone to join his self-betterment program.Â
âHeâs nice, but I think his political and social views are a little far from the ones that girls like us haveâ she attempted to explain, and pretty quickly you understood heâs a misogynist.Â
âI see, is your boyfriend the same?â you asked, trying to sound as polite as you can, since you didn't quite know where Wonyoung wouldl draw the line.Â
âNo, at least Iâd hope he isn'tâ she chuckled lightly, and slowly tugged you towards another large hall in the school âHe was raised by women, his dad passed away when he was around 3, so I guess he has at least some respect for usâ she added, and you nodded in understanding.Â
âThis school is really freaking big, I donât know if Iâll be able to find my way around hereâ you commented and she chuckled at your use of words.Â
âYou can say fucking, I really donât mindâ Wonyoung looked at you, and you breathed out a steady breath âI donât want you to think of us as some posh, elegant and royal like teenagers who use a fork and knife every time they eat. I genuinely think most of us are pretty normal considering our backgroundsâ she explained, and you had to stifle a laugh.Â
Although Wonyoung seemed like an incredibly nice and sweet girl, she truly had no idea how privileged she was. Truly, her only worry was you not thinking sheâs a snobby rich kid. And that applied to all of them, you just didn't see yourself empathizing with these people, seeing how you were raised in two completely different worlds.Â
âItâs my first time talking to people like you, don't have much experienceâ you smiled and raised your hands in guilt.Â
She laughed at your action, and asked âWhat do you mean, what do your parents do then?âÂ
You didn't want to answer that question, you didn't even want anyone to ask it in the first place. But you had to answer honestly.Â
âBoth of my parents live overseas, but they're no one special. My dad is a construction worker and my mom has a simple office jobâ you said, and she didn't seem to laugh or find your parentsâ profession amusing in any way âI live with my brother, heâs a surgeonâ you added, and she seemed to light up at the mention.Â
âI want to be a surgeon too!â she beamed and you smiled as she ignored and didn't care about the fact that you weren't the future heiress of a major conglomerate âI need to speak to your brother one day, maybe heâll give me some adviceâ she added and with a smile you assured her youâll set up a meeting for the two of them one day.Â
She pulled you through a dark, narrow, dimly lit hallway to a giant room with a high ceiling where most of the students were currently spending their time.Â
âThis is the common roomâ she said, as the two of you stood in the entryway.Â
Laughter ringed in your ears as you attempted to examine every student present in the area.Â
âLet me introduce you to Niki!â she beamed and pulled your wrist towards the unknown boy.Â
Niki was the son of the owners of the biggest pharmaceutical company in the country. Even though he had no interest in taking over the business, his younger sister wasn't seen as competent enough to take over, so he was forced to be the next CEO. His parents and Jayâs father were close friends, planning on merging the two companies by arranging a marriage between Jayâs younger sister and Niki. His true passion was dance, he hated everything that had to do with medication, but he knew there was no chance heâd ever get to pursue his passion for a living.Â
âNiki!â she called to the boy, and he turned around, swiftly taking off his headphones.Â
âNot gonna go shop for makeup with you today, forget itâ he claimed, not even noticing you standing right next to her.Â
âOh please, as if Iâd want to go with youâ she sneered and he chuckled under his breath. âI wanted to introduce you to Y/n, sheâs new here!â she continued, and he took a judging look at you.Â
Or at least it felt as if he was judging you, scanning you up and down as if you weren't wearing the same exact uniform as him. But quickly he shot you with a small smile, and stuck his hand out for you to shake. You applied and as nicely as you could, returned the expression.Â
âYouâll regret coming here, Y/nâ he warned with a laugh, and you chuckled, but deep down felt like maybe he wasn't joking.Â
âStop scaring herâ Wonyoung said sternly, and he looked at her with a raised eyebrow âI like it here, donât listen to him Y/nnieâÂ
âMaybe because you're a fucking nerd whoâs a teachers pet?â he asked sarcastically, and Wonyoung just rolled her eyes playfully.Â
You stood there listening to their bickering, already getting a weird feeling that you didn't really belong here, these people were not the usual kind you surround yourself with.Â
âWhat brings you here?â he asked, which turned your attention back to the two people in front of you.Â
âI got an invitation, full ride scholarship and allâ you explained and his eyes widened.Â
âYou're a smart girl, aren't you?â he asked, and you chuckled lightly.Â
âYou could say that, I guessâ you said, and he looked towards Wonyoung.Â
âI guess youâll finally have a smarty pants friend to talk to about the theory of relativity, or whatever you call itâ he cooed, and she flipped him off.Â
âJake used to be my nerdy bestie, well until he started hanging out with Jay and attending his dumbass coursesâ she laughed looking towards you, and he did the same nodding his head.Â
âLetâs be honest, ever since they created their little frat circle with Heeseung and Sunghoon, they suffered insane brain damage. But the courses were also bad enoughâ Niki inquired, and she laughed, agreeing with him.Â
Jakeâs parents were real estate giants, owning at least half of the properties in the city. He had been raised with the thought of taking over his parentsâ business, so he was actually the only one in his friend circle that studied and strived to achieve something. His mother or father would never let him take over if he had nothing in his head. Jake actually wanted to become a real estate agent, because after seeing his parents succeed, he wanted to be just like them.Â
âWhat exactly are these courses about?â you asked, and Niki quickly opened his phone to show you the website Jay and his computer geek friend Jungwon set up.Â
You didn't even bother asking the boy how he managed to sneak a phone in, assuming the one lying in the basket at the front desk, was probably one of his many devices.Â
âHe tries to convince men that they need to unleash their inner sigma to fully embrace their manliness or something like thatâ he explained as you grabbed his phone to look through the website.Â
It looked like a failed IT project they had to do in class, and honestly you didn't understand why anyone would trust him enough to receive life advice.Â
âI can't believe that people actually listen to his adviceâ you commented, handing back Niki his phone.Â
âThatâs not even the worst of it, he genuinely thinks that if men were to become pregnant, they would give birth in two weeks since theyâre stronger, something along those linesâ Wonyoung added, and you couldn't help but burst out laughing.Â
Maybe you were getting along with them, but the eerie atmosphere around you and the blank stares you received from other students grounded you.Â
âYo new girl, wanna come to a party tonight?â Niki turned towards you with a questioning expression.Â
You have been studying your whole life, cramming information until late hours of the night, which resulted in you having to give up your social life or anything of that sort. You had friends, but never the time to go out with them. So this would be your first party ever, and you had no idea how to behave.Â
âSure,â you replied, not giving it any more thought. If you started overthinking it, youâd probably deny the request.Â
âPut in your number, Iâll send you the addressâ he gave you his phone once again, and you swiftly typed in your digits, saving your contact under âSong Y/nâ.Â
âShow me your schedule, Iâll walk you to your next classâ Wonyoung turned to you, and you dug up the crumbled piece of paper you received at the front office.Â
_______
Niki had eventually texted you the address, offering a ride along with it, unless you already had one. You gladly accepted his offer, although his kindness seemed weird and suspicious to you.Â
Maybe you just weren't used to people being nice to you simply out of human decency and without any ulterior motives, but someone as high up and rich as Niki or Wonyoung should not be bothered by someone like you. They definitely shouldn't be offering you rides in their expensive sports cars.Â
âOh câmon Wony, we gotta give our transfer the princess treatmentâ he said, shooing her away from the passenger seat with his hand.Â
She rolled her eyes playfully, but agreed to give up her front seat, which you tried to convince her to take back for a little over a minute.Â
âNo Y/nnie, you're probably going to meet our little devil tonight, you need as much peace as you can get before thatâ she assured, and you just shook your head at her reluctance.Â
âAnd who exactly are you talking about?â you asked, turning around to once again face Wonyoung who already got comfortable in the back seat.
âIâll ask you that question tomorrow morning, itâs more fun that we keep it a secret for nowâ she giggled childishly, and Niki nodded his head approvingly at her idea.Â
You sighed sarcastically, and tried to remember any person they didn't go into full detail about just a couple of hours ago. Jay, Jake, Sunghoon, all of them kept getting mixed up in your head as you had no real idea as to what the three looked like. You passed by the cafeteria with Wonyoung earlier, where you didnât quite register what Jay and Sunghoon looked like. Maybe itâs someone completely different, or someone affiliated with the three guys you had a fair amount of information about.Â
âYou drink, donât you?â Niki asked, turning his head to face you for just a mere second, before focusing his eyes back on the road.Â
âNot reallyâ you answered unbothered.Â
Drinking was nothing to be proud about anyways, and assuming Niki doesn't want to lose his recently acquired drivers license, he probably wasn't going to do it either.Â
âSame here. Me and Wony donât drinkâ he smiled âBut the rest of them, their a different kind of fucked up. Especially your precious, sweet, innocent boyfriend, Wonyoungâ he added, and looked at the girl through his rear view mirror.Â
She screwed her face jokingly âSunghoon doesn't drink that much, at least now that heâs with meâ she defended, and he scoffed.Â
âAnd youâre stupid for thinking heâs not getting shit faced every weekend with his demonic cult of a friend groupâ he commented, and she huffed in annoyance crossing her arms.Â
âY/nnie, you know what Hoon looks like, right?â she turned her attention to you.Â
You shook your head, causing her to pull out her phone in order to present you with pictures of her beloved boyfriend.Â
He was smoking fucking hot, but his expression and lack of emotion on every picture made you think that maybe Niki was right, he truly looked like he didn't give a single fuck about the girl. Well it seems to be working out for them so far, so who are you to butt in.Â
âKeep an eye on him, I need to prove that my boyfriend is not the alcoholic and druggie you-â she pointed her finger at Niki âmake him out to beâÂ
âNo problemâ you smiled and she excitedly held your hand.Â
âJust when you do catch him chugging down shot glasses like a pig, don't tell her cause she won't believe you anywaysâ he murmured, but the both of you heard him anyways.Â
You turned to Wonyoung and rolled your eyes playfully which she gave you a hushed giggle at, agreeing with whatever you were thinking about.Â
The road felt like it had been going on forever, you swore you already saw the same street signs and lanterns a couple minutes back. It felt like Niki had been going in circles, but those thoughts were most likely caused by your absence in this area of town.Â
After what felt like an eternity in Nikiâs uncomfortable low-floor car, that was impossible to get comfortable in, he had finally pulled over into a gravel filled space. In the distance a modern house was illuminated by colorful lights, and the music could be quietly heard from the place you were standing in.Â
The interior of the place was suffocating you, the music giving you a headache, the smell of cigarettes, weed, alcohol and sweat seeping into your skin, as you and Wonyoung pushed through the crowd. Wonyoung didn't seem to be affected as she pushed through the bodies in order to find her boyfriend who she must have missed terribly for the past five hours.Â
âSunghoonnie!â she beamed, and his body instantly turned to the sound of her squeaky voice.Â
He was hard to read, you didn't exactly know if he was excited to see her or praying for her to leave him and his friends alone. He held a glass with a brownish liquid in his hand, and you knew for a fact Wonyoung was trying to ignore it or pretend it wasn't what everyone else knew it was.Â
Sunghoon was obviously drinking whiskey.Â
Even they're choice of alcohol was so different from what you knew back in your public school. Those kids could barely afford the cheapest liquor, and here you were witnessing Sunghoon and his friends downing bottles worth more than the pocket money your brother gave you every month.Â
âOh great, two Wonyoungâs. Canât women just stick to painting their nails and doing their makeup? This is not the place for youâ Jay commented as he finally noticed the two of you.Â
âDid your daddy teach you that? I wasn't talking to you, dickheadâ the girl next to you answered with a sarcastic pout to her face.Â
âIâm Jakeâ the brown haired boy stuck his hand out âYou're new, right?âÂ
Wonyoung had already let you go to entertain her boyfriend who obviously was not having it. Even as she was eating his face, he wasn't half as passionate about it as she was.Â
âYeahâ you took his hand âY/nâÂ
He had a devilish grin as he and the blond boy exchanged glances.Â
âSo where are you coming from?â Jake asked, but his eyes weren't even focused on your face, instead staring right into your partially exposed chest.Â
You sighed, and leaned against the wall âDoesn't matterâ maybe you had a terrible judgment of character, but you knew that admitting to coming from a public, low income school would end you right then and there.Â
âYouâre right, it doesn'tâ he smirked, hoping that you had understood his intentions by now, âWant a drink?â he asked, turning around to unveil a couple glasses and a bottle of Dalmore whiskey.Â
âI don't really drinkâ you explained, trying to keep up with your nonchalant facade that you prayed would spare you some embarrassment tonight.Â
It felt stressful to be around them, their demeanor intimidating.Â
âOh câmon, one little glass never hurt anyoneâ Jay uttered, already pouring a glass that he was shoving into your hand a couple seconds later.Â
He looked incredibly hot doing so, his slicked back blond hair and white button down almost making you forget heâs a mentally unstable and misogynistic idiot.Â
Did they all have to be so irresistibly hot? Was being rich not enough?Â
âDrink it, thereâs a reward afterwardsâ he added, as his attempts to place the glass in your hand turned out to be successful.Â
âOnly if youâre a good girlâ Jake added, and Jay with a devilish smile hit his shoulder.Â
You examined the glass, remembering all the stories of boys spiking drinks with drugs that Eunseok told you about, but all that seemed so unimportant right now.Â
You promised yourself to never go against what your mind told you, but that was broken the minute you downed the glass, the unfamiliar, burning flavor coating your throat.Â
âAtta girlâ Jake praised, as he took the glass from your hand.
âWomen are so easy, itâs crazyâ Jay whispered, assuring you wouldn't hear his words âLet me pour you another oneâ he said, his voice a little louder this time.Â
You shook your head, but he seemed to ignore that all together, grabbing the cup and filling it to the brim once again.Â
âDrink upâ Jake slurred, and focused his eyes onto the way your throat looked while you swallowed the liquid.Â
They were disgusting. The way they objectified you, the way they looked at you like you were going to let them hit without any problems.Â
The boys you knew would make jokes, but theyâd never act on it like Jay and Jake did.Â
You slammed the glass on the table where it was previously laid, and without a word turned away from the two men who were clearly confused about your sudden departure.Â
âWeâll see each other soon, yeah?â Jake called, and with a forced smile you mouthed a âMaybeâ.Â
âShe still doesn't know about all the filth that goes on in here, eh?â Jay chuckled devilishly, and Jake smirked, pouring himself a drink in the cup you left behind.Â
You had already thought that Wonyoung and Niki were completely different from the people you used to surround yourself with, but after meeting Jake and Jay, you cursed yourself for even thinking that. You had given up your social life, so meeting new people regularly was never something that you did, but you never met someone so deranged. Were the girls at this school all so easy and compliant to their orders? You just wondered where their ego came from.Â
Squeezing through all the damp bodies was definitely a challenge, but finding a quiet and empty room surely made it worth it.Â
The room was practically empty, you assumed something that was supposed to resemble a guest bedroom, but you doubted any guest would wanna sleep here. A single bed in the middle of the large room was not enough.Â
You closed the door behind you with a quiet squeak, and threw yourself on the bed, your eyes facing the ceiling.Â
Amongst the weird smell that surrounded the room a voice called you âYou're the new girl, aren't you?âÂ
You didn't notice the open balcony door upon entering.Â
Your body automatically turned to face the voice, a handsome and presumably tall boy sat on one of the plastic chairs. Smoke circled around him as he looked at you with heavy eyelids, taking another hit from the joint between his fingers.Â
You leaned your head on the palm of your hand âHow do you know?âÂ
âNews spreads fast around here. You donât know, do you?â he gave you a childish smile, and with a nod to his head he without a word offered you to smoke with him, which you declined.Â
âWhatâs your name?â you asked him, his dark eyes bringing discomfort to your body.Â
âWhy should I tell you, transfer?â he laughed, and you stiffened up at his answer. âItâs Heeseungâ he said after a moment, noticing that you were not enjoying his jokes.Â
Lee Heeseung was the youngest son of Lee Guwon and Kim Shinhye, the founders and owners of the largest hotel line in the country. They just recently went international, opening yet another hotel-restaurant in the heart of Singapore. His older sister, Lee Rina, had no interest in the company, firmly convinced that it's a greedy industry. She moved to Norway to study and just never came back. But his older brother, Lee Haejun, was different. He was stuck on the idea of becoming the next CEO. After both him and Heeseung were old enough to understand what benefits came with being a leader of a major hotel line, they stopped treating each other like brothers, instead focusing on the rivalry that was brewing. They wanted so badly to prove to their father who's more competent, who deserves it more, that at one point it became too much.Â
Heeseung at one point no longer wanted any of it. He just wanted his brother back. Haejun just never was the same brother Heeseung learned to love. He didn't care. Heeseung felt like he lost both of his siblings although they weren't actually gone.Â
âI donât think they mentioned youâ you murmured, trying to recall the conversations you had with Wonyoung and Niki.Â
âWonyoung and Niki? Probably because they don't like meâ he laughed, and put out his blunt on the tiles of the balcony, throwing what was left into a jar filled with water.Â
âThey like everyone, I think itâs a âyouâ problemâ you assumed, and he scoffed.Â
His body sluggishly stood up from the chair, as he tried to not fall over the balcony âBoth of them are fake as fuck, and I donât think youâre one to judgeâÂ
You sighed âYou donât know themâÂ
âI know them better than you, transferâ he chuckled, âThey always cuddle up to new students, just like Wonyoung did to Jake, and whenever they go slightly out of line, they drop themâ he explained, and you foolishly didn't believe his words, choosing to stand with your new friends who you in reality, knew nothing about.Â
âI donât know, I don't think the Jake that I just met, and got forced to drink by, is a good exampleâ you murmured, playing with your hair, avoiding eye contact with the boy.Â
He had this dark aura surrounding him, his hooded eyes just adding into his image, making him look much more scary.Â
He slowly moved towards you, accompanying you on the silk covered bed. Thatâs when you could truly analyze his face; bloodshot, brown eyes, a curve to his lips, his nose slightly pointed and eyebrows straight. His skin was glistening, a soft tan to it. He looked at you so intensely, and you couldn't quite reciprocate, scared of his intimidating presence.Â
âJake was always like this, they just didn't know how to handle himâ he smiled, his hand inching closer to where your legs lied âThey love saying that Jay ruined him, but he didn't even have to do thatâÂ
âWhat do you mean by having to do that? Why would he have to?â you asked, as your body froze, not allowing you to move further away from him.Â
He didn't stop attempting to close the gap between the two of you âYou know what I meanâ he smirked âThis isn't the place you think it is, pretty girl. We can't have a goody two shoes prancing aroundâ his smile was straight, as his hand moved to sooth your lower thigh.Â
You never were this close to a boy before.Â
âI still don't get itâ you said, your voice trembling as he moved further up.Â
âYou don't need to, youâll see for yourself. Soon, don't worryâ he cooed, and you could feel his sinister words burn through your skin.Â
âYou like this? Tell meâ he asked, his grip on your thigh tightened, and you felt words get stuck in your throat.Â
â I donât know you, Heeseungâ you answered out of breath.Â
He liked the way his name slipped from your lips, your tone mellow and soothing. He could definitely get used to it.Â
âYou donât need to know everyone you want to have a little fun withâ his eyes twinkled slightly, as he spoke softly, trying to distract you from his touch moving to places you probably wouldn't like him being in.Â
âDo you do this to every girl you just meet?â you piqued, and he chuckled, finally taking out his hand from under your dress in order to move a strand of hair out of your face.Â
âOnly the ones I find prettyâ he answered.Â
Heeseung was such a lightweight, he couldn't stop his smile and laughter as he played with you, knowing you could pretend, but not resist him. He wanted to undress you right there and then, behind an unlocked door, which heâd hoped some disgusting pervert like Jake would open, they could perhaps have you together, share your body. But he was smarter than that. He couldn't alienate you so early on.Â
âMaybe another timeâ you murmured, giving up your previous position to stand up from the bed.Â
He didn't let you, standing up with you, blocking you from walking to the door. He stumbled a little bit, but managed to hold you down.Â
âYou wanted to get to know me, what happened to that?â he whispered.Â
âI never said thatâ you replied, and attempted once again to leave the room.Â
No one has ever had this effect on you. You didn't truly want to leave, not only his firm stance was keeping you away from that door.Â
You had boyfriends, but all of them were too scared to even hold your hand in public, not to mention kiss you. So you were aware of these things, but not familiar with them.Â
âWhy do you have to be so tough? I just want to make you feel good? Whatâs the crime in that?â he cooed, and brought his hand up to caress your cheek.Â
âI always wanted it to be special, not some one night standâ you voiced, and he hummed.Â
It felt so weird and embarrassing to talk to him like this. You didn't know him. You also couldn't say no, cause some part of you wanted it too.Â
Maybe itâs because you wanted to fit in, maybe because you didn't want to be any different from the people that went to this school. But youâd always be different- as long as your parents weren't owners of a giant conglomerate or business, youâd always be different.Â
âMy sweet girl is a virgin? Thatâs okay, donât be embarrassedâ he cooed, and squeezed your hand tightly.Â
You never knew how hard it is to be sober and talk to a high person. He just didn't fully comprehend the environment that surrounded him, not a single ounce of fear or embarrassment in his veins, just nothingness.Â
âCan I kiss you?â he asked with a soft voice.
Heeseung knew exactly what he was doing, he knew exactly how his slurred words sounded and how they affected you.Â
You nodded, and he grabbed your jaw, pulling you into his embrace. Nothing could have prepared you for his wet, plump lips that molded perfectly into yours. You felt so good against him, and he couldn't find himself pulling away, the bulge in his pants growing as you fingers slightly brushed along the longer strands of hair on the back of his head.Â
It was all so new to you. Maybe it was the alcohol that Jake and Jay forced down your throat, or maybe you just couldn't help but naturally feel attracted to Heeseung. Itâs been barely 24 hours, and youâve broken all the promises you made to yourself.Â
While you were overthinking, Heeseung wondered just how long until he gets to fuck your pretty, virgin hole. Â
âMmm, it wasn't that hard, was it?â he smiled as he was forced to pull away out of lack of air, his eyes practically closing on him.Â
You avoided his gaze, a small smile on your swollen lips. He laughed softly, and grabbed your hand in his.Â
âI just want to help you. Youâre a big girl, you should know how the world worksâ he cooed, dumbing you down. But you accepted it. Every word of his you took in and analyzed. Maybe he was right.Â
He was this big, important rich guy from an important family, and you were just living in his world. You were nothing like him, his worries surrounded taking over the company or not, while you had to wonder if you had the money to go out with your friend on the weekend. You could try, but youâll never be the same.Â
And Heeseung knew that. He knew how much power he had over you simply because his bank account was decorated by nothing less than quadruple digits.Â
âI donât think you should be hanging out with Wonyoung and Niki. They're fake, you know?â he whispered, and focused his eyes on you âLet me be the one you come to when you need help, okay?âÂ
You nodded, and he just hummed in approval, liking the way you agreed with anything he said.Â
You knew he was treating you like a child, babying you and bossing you around like he even had any right to do so, but you didn't find yourself stopping him either.Â
To you he spoke with such delicacy, and he paid attention to you in a way no one ever has. Heeseung was different from anyone you encountered, and thatâs exactly what pulled you in, forcing you to uncover more about him.Â
But he just liked how you gave into his words way easier than he thought you would. He never knew it would be this easy to manipulate you. Heeseung never expected you to so naively believe that Wonyoung and Niki were the ones who were going to do you wrong, that they were the ones to cuddle up to new students in order to drop them just moments later. He had you where he wanted you and it didn't even take him a full hour.Â
______
âYou didnât text me last night, did you get home alright?â Wonyoung asked, settling down next to you in the study hall.Â
You ignored her gaze, her shuffling and moving, making an annoyed groan escape from your lips.Â
âYeah,â you replied swiftly, turning your attention back to the worksheet in front of you.Â
Heeseungâs words had stuck with you. You couldnât fathom the idea of Niki and Wonyoung, one of the nicest, most welcoming people you have ever met, being bullies. But perhaps that was the reason for their warm introduction. They wanted you to trust them.Â
Niki, noticing that Wonyoung had finally joined you in the study hall, turned around in his chair, taking out one of his airpods.Â
âDid you find who we were talking about in the car? A special someone told me they saw you together last nightâ Niki smiled widely like an idiot, and Wonyoung giggled, awaiting your answer.Â
You scoffed âThe so-called devilâ and murmured âHeeseung, right? He was very nice, I donât get itâÂ
They laughed, and you felt something twist inside of you at the sound of their forced posh, and elegant laughter.Â
âThatâs the point. Heâs nice at first, to get you to like him, trust him, and then he strikesâ Niki told, and to you it sounded like he was describing his little mutual admiration circle with Wonyoung.Â
âI donât know, honestly. He seemed like a good personâ you inquired quietly, trying to focus on the work you had to do.Â
âLet me guess, he asked for consent, or said he âjust wants to help youâ, and you believed heâs a respectful guy? Y/n donât be so naiveâ Wonyoung said sternly, and you scoffed, remembering how her boyfriendâs best friends treated you. Sunghoon was probably no different, so who was she to judge?Â
âYou're dating Sunghoon, Wonyoung. Mind you, heâs one of the all so bad Heeseungâs friendsâÂ
Niki and Wonyoung looked at each other confused, wondering why you were suddenly being so cold and distant.Â
âHe wasnât like that always,â she said, and you looked at her questioning.Â
âYou think people can change so drastically, just like that? He always had it in him, he just found the right people to unleash it with, thatâs allâ you answered, and she felt her body shift slightly.Â
Sunghoon transferred to Saint Matthews in his sophomore year, after studying abroad in an international school in Singapore. No one could really know if Sunghoon was any different before he joined, because he almost immediately hit it off with Heeseung, and his friend group.Â
âYou donât know what you're talking aboutâ Niki said, with an annoyed look on his face.Â
âOh kill me then. All I know is the shitty little gig youâre playing on me. I know what you guys do to new students- shape them to be your perfect little servant, and then drop them when it stops being amusing to you. Just like you did to Jake. So stop trying to blame everything on Heeseung when you know damn well he's not a bad personâ you replied frustrated, collecting all your things, and standing up to leave the space.Â
Niki and Wonyoung were stunned at your words, following you until you disappeared out the door.Â
They realized you truly had met Heeseung, and that there was no turning back now.Â
Just like any girl, he had you tied to his leash, and they were powerless.Â
____
âYeah, itâs crazy. I didnât expect her to fold so easilyâ Heeseung laughed, as he downed another shot of tequila Jay stole from his dads alcohol cabinet. His father owned so many bottles he probably wouldnât notice one of them went missing.Â
Just like he didnât notice his son's worsening alcoholic tendencies.Â
âNo trust me, she didnât even fight back that much when we offered her whiskeyâ Jake sneered, and Jay grinned evilly.Â
Jay was the first one to notice you. He caught a glimpse of you as you stood so shyly in the cafeterias entryway, Wonyoung happily talking to you, as you looked around the place. He didnât recognize your face. Â
You were pretty to him. Your face gleaned with innocence, and he could smell the way you were so intimidated by the people and sinister atmosphere of the school. He couldnât even bother listening to whatever Sunghoon was going on about next to his ear, focused on only you. He knew exactly what happened to sweet girls like you, and he couldnât wait for it.Â
And maybe at one point in time he could have you too. His big hands would slowly take off your shirt, his fingers slipping down under your jeans, pressing against your pulsing core. Youâd tell him to stop, and heâd only laugh in your ear, unbuckling his belt.Â
âWonyoung said she flipped off on them today when they mentioned youâ Sunghoon tuned to Heeseung, pouring himself another shot âNiki said itâs like this with every girl, and she totally went bonkers on them or some shitâ he laughed before his face twisted as the burning liquid slid down his throat.Â
âThatâs so pathetic. She doesnât even know himâ Jake chuckled, and leaned back in his seat, his back melting into the soft cushion.Â
âThatâs like the whole point, she isnât supposed to know,â Heeseung noted, and they nodded slightly. âAnd I donât think thatâs more pathetic than Wonyoung leeching onto Sunghoon even though he doesnât even hide the fact he doesnât like her in the slightestâÂ
Jay scoffed sarcastically âDefending her so quickly, sureâ he hummed, and Heeseung rolled his eyes.Â
âMy mom got her a campaign with our company, and now she thinks weâre gonna get married. Itâs so annoyingâ Sunghoon explained, and they laughed.Â
âThen just breakup with her. She needs you, but you donât need her, dudeâ Jake commented, and Sunghoon shook his head lively.Â
âSheâs nice to have around. And itâs not like I donât like her at all, she just gets on my nervesâ he explained.Â
âWhen my mom pissed off my dad, she got divorce papers handed to her, and kicked out the door. Women are supposed to serve men, not be an obstacle. All she is, is an obstacle. Youâre taking over your momâs company, you canât let her get in the wayâ Jay turned to Sunghoon, who just pretended to listen to his nonsense.Â
Maybe Jay was one of his best friends, but he couldnât bear listening to his bullshit. He grew up around women- a single mother, his nannies who were strictly women (since his mother didnât trust men around her only child), and cousins who were practically only girls. He knew women could achieve things alone, his mother being his best example.Â
âSo, what is your plan?â Jake averted his gaze to Heeseung, who didnât seem to be amused by the conversation surrounding you and Wonyoung.Â
âWas there ever a plan? She doesnât even put up a fight, and already blew up on her new friends. This wonât be hardâ he answered, and Jake nodded, satisfied with Heeseungâs answer.Â
âI think you guys are wasting your time, honestlyâ Sunghoon commented.Â
Jay looked at him annoyed âYou and your feminist bullshit againâ he murmured, and didnât even bother pouring the substance into his shot glass, drinking straight from the bottle.Â
âJesus Christ, Jay. Just cause I have the tiniest percentage of respect for women, doesnât mean Iâm some fucking feminist. Iâm not stopping you from seducing that girl, I just think itâs a waste of time. If you want pussy so bad, just find yourself a hook up, itâs not that hardâ he answered, and Jay seemed to accept his answer, too tired to start another fight about this with his friend.Â
âWeâre only 19, Sunghoon. It won't hurt to have some fun while we canâ Jake piqued, and with a swift movement of his hand, grabbed the bottle from the floor, tilting it to pour the rest of liquid into his mouth.Â
âI just think that's kind of unappreciativeâ he murmured, and all of them turned to him. Jay rolled his eyes and with a sigh ushered Sunghoon to continue âA shit load of kids our age don't get to have half the opportunities we do, so if I were you I wouldn't fuck around so much, but actually put in the work to maybe prove that we aren't fucking imbeciles who just sit around and get chauffeured all dayâ he explained, and they all looked at him with a confused gaze.Â
âSays the one who is failing practically all his classes. And what does any of that have to do with Y/n? What do you like her or something? You can hit if you want, itâs an open gameâ Jay laughed, and Sunghoon sighed.
But he wasn't annoyed, just incredibly frustrated that none of his friends understood what he was trying to convey to them.Â
He didn't study, at least not much, and even though he was always aware of the fact that he will most definitely take over his mothers company, he didn't quite like the idea of people thinking he only did because there were no other options. In some way he wanted to earn it, or at least feel like he did deserve it.Â
âItâs most definitely not an open gameâ Heeseung commented, and Jay looked at him with wide eyes.Â
âWhat? Câmon dude, sheâs some public school transfer, itâs just fun and games. Don't start being all protective and jealous over herâ he scoffed, this being the second time that Heeseung made a comment of that sort about you.Â
Jay didn't like this new found protectiveness Heeseung had acquired for you even though barely 24 hours ago he was making equally nasty and perverted comments about you.Â
âYou're being an asshole today, you know that right?â Heeseung started, his eyes scanning the room, avoiding Jay.Â
âIâm being an asshole? All of you suddenly started acting like some fuckass henpecked husbands, when this would be the exact behavior youâd make fun of just a month agoâ he groaned, gritting his teeth.Â
âIâm sorry Jay that your mom doesn't love you, and your dad only sees you as a token of business, but we weren't raised like thatâ Sunghoon said, standing up from his seat, ready to leave.Â
âThatâs fucked up Hoonâ Jake whispered, looking at Jayâs spechless expression.Â
âYou know what else is fucked up Jake? That Jay is a fucking misogynist and Heeseung is some otherworldly type of addict and no is trying to help them. I have been the only person who has been putting in the slightest amount of effort to try and get them help, but I can't possibly do it alone. Thatâs fucked up Jaeyun. Iâm leavingâ he blew up, grabbing all his things, and with a tired sigh he left the living room, going straight for the door.Â
It was true. Maybe Sunghoon was an idiot and sometimes acted like a huge asshole, but he was right. He loved his friends and seeing them ruin and throw their lives away hurt him. But everyone who was caught up in the same wind, didn't seem to notice.Â
âCall me when you fucking grow up, Sunghoonâ Jay shouted, an angered expression plastered all over his face as the door slams abruptly.Â
All three of them sat in silence as they tried to figure out what happened in the span of just a couple minutes. How did the conversation come down to Jay and Heeseung having issues, and why was Sunghoon suddenly trying to act all sweet and caring when he never did care.
 Or at least they didn't notice the countless times Sunghoon tried to stop them, but to no avail.Â
âI think Iâm gonna go too,â Heeseung said, after a moment of dead silence.Â
Without a word, Jay and Jake nodded, still not quite present in the moment.Â
Thatâs exactly how Heeseung ended up in your home, dumping all his issues onto you as you attempted to comfort him with a slight brush of your fingers against his soft hair.Â
Your outbreak with Wonyoung and Niki, left you feeling alone once again. Those thoughts kept eating you alive, but you knew that's exactly what they wanted. They wanted you to desperately crawl back to them, begging for another chance as you cried out an apology.Â
You knew that coming back to them would only prove this (untrue) point of them using you and many others for their own pleasure. Turning around, and apologizing would hurt your pride beyond repair.Â
And it wasn't like Heeseung was making this up either. His heart genuinely cracked at the sight of his friends fighting.Â
They fought, all the time, but there was no comparing this to a fight over who gets to take the first hit or who gets to play the better character, to Sunghoon leaving completely, his harsh words still lingering in the air.Â
He wasn't an addict. He was a normal teenager doing normal teenager things. He wasn't wrong for being curious.
âIâm happy that you stood up for me today, at study hallâ he said, his voice low as your touch was putting him in a sleepy state.Â
âHow do you know about that?â you asked, not even having the time to tell him about it.Â
He smiled, rolling on his side to face you âSunghoon told meâÂ
âAre you really not mad at me?â you tilted your head curiously.Â
He laughed, and lifting himself from your lap, he grabbed your hand in his. You could feel his warm touch embrace you fully, the action alone was enough to calm your uneasy heart.Â
âNo one stands up for me. I could never be mad at you for being on my side even though you barely know meâ he admitted, and it made your plush lips form into a small smile.Â
âYour friends never stand up for you? I find that hard to believe, HeeâÂ
He likes the way his name slips from your lips, the usage of the nickname forcing him to stifle the growing, uncomfortable feeling in his pants. He hated the fact that he had to control himself around you. But still, he loved the innocent look on your face as you were so oblivious to the boner in his pants.Â
âThey just don't know how to, I think,â he said in a whisper. âThey're too caught up in their own lives, and I don't blame them. They have a lot on their plate as it isâ he added, his lips forming into a straight smile, as he tried to look apologetic in front of you.Â
Heeseung wanted you to see him as this complex, emotional being that's only purpose on earth is to help others. His financial situation wasn't helping him create this image, he feared that youâd think heâs just searching for problems, wanting to experience life with all the hardships that a person like him doesn't usually get bothered by.Â
But you never thought so, you viewed Heeseung the exact way he wanted you to. You believed in every word he said. If only he knew that though, his cocky nature would probably fight its way to domination.Â
âYouâre a good friend, Heeseungâ you smiled, squeezing his hand tighter. He chuckled lightly, looking at you with the same straight smile âYou have me now, you know that? You said youâd help me whenever, and I want to do the same for youâÂ
You vividly remember his lips on yours. You can recall exactly how he tasted and how he felt against your own skin. He helped you reach some otherworldly ecstacy without going further than a simple touch. You knew you wanted him to be more, but it was too early for that admission, too early to let yourself sink in that feeling.Â
You didn't understand what was going on between the two of you, where this connection was heading, and in some way it thrilled you. You couldn't possibly be friends, not after what he said that night.Â
âI hope you know I meant everything I saidâ he uttered, and you slowly nodded, trying to recall every word that slipped from his pretty lips âI think youâre specialâ he added.Â
Heeseung didn't know himself if this was all fake, cause at that moment it felt too real to him. He was speaking from his heart, in some way.Â
Lee Heeseung was beautiful, the closest youâll get to any godly figure. He couldn't possibly be flawed in any way.Â
But there were some things the boy wouldn't even admit to himself. All the fighting, and neglecting, made him out to be this way. He always longed for the type of love no one but a parent could give him. He wanted to be loved so much it picked him apart. Heeseung never experienced what itâs like to care for someone so much, to care for someone unconditionally.Â
And as the youngest sibling, no one had that love for him, because there was someone before him.Â
âIâm definitely not special, Hee. Itâs all youâ you smiled, and he laughed softly, his eyes falling onto his lap as a rosy tint decorated his cheeks.Â
âIt could always be just us. You could come over, and stay till morningâ he turned to you, a newfound sincerity in his eyes, as he spoke to you.Â
âYouâd want that?â you uttered quietly.Â
The faint melody playing from the radio became muffled as you sat next to him. You never felt closer to another person, and it was all so new to you.Â
âMhm, reallyâ he confessed, and you believed.Â
It was all so domestic- he wanted to escape his family line, but he behaved just like them. Heeseung could never change the blood he was born with, blood of condescending, arrogant, manipulative, money hungry assholes.Â
âWill you promise to stay with me?â he asked, ending the comforting silence that embraced you.Â
You laughed lightly, finding his worries sweet âI promiseâ you said sticking out your pinky finger.Â
âYou still do that?â he said with a soft chuckle. You pouted awaiting his finger that could solidify the promise.Â
He laughed and intertwined his pinky with yours.Â
_______Â
Spending time with Heeseung was easy. He just always knew what to say and what to do. He was like the sweetest thing beeâs like you would fly towards.Â
He had eventually introduced you to Jake, Jay and Sunghoon who eagerly apologized for coming onto you and forcing alcohol down your throat at the party, and stupidly you laughed it off not wanting to give them reasons to dislike you.Â
You wanted to fit in with them. Eunseok wasn't as happy, trying to keep up with your new lifestyle, but something deep inside him didn't want to stop. He knew he owed it to you after the years of neglect his parents had presented you with. After the years of living in his shadow maybe this was the only way to repay you.Â
Jake had seemed awfully desperate when you first met him. He looked and acted like one of those sleazy guys who adds girls on snapchat and sends them unsolicited dick pics, but he quickly managed to prove you wrong. You rarely spent time alone with him, almost never, but whenever that moment came, Jake became a completely different person. He was nice. He was actually so painstakingly nice to the point where you would ponder his existence in that friend group.Â
And Jay- you felt nothing towards the boy. The one thing Wonyoung and Niki got right was his obvious desire to become a Korean Andrew Tate. He had nothing to give except misogynist comments heâd pretend were only jokes, and if you dared to be offended then you simply had no sense of humor.Â
Sunghoon, it was hard to describe him. He just didn't really talk much. He was never there, he wasn't present although sitting just across from the ongoing conversation. Maybe he always was this way, or maybe you were the problem.Â
But Heeseung, he felt some kind of obsession towards you. He wanted to carve his initials deep into your skin until you bleed a deep shade of red, all out of love for him. He wanted to touch you in the places your mere, inexperienced fingers couldn't reach. He couldn't understand you, he couldn't bear the fact that you didn't fit into the pattern, and it made him sick.Â
âGet a fucking grip Y/n!â Wonyoung screamed, tugging at the thick material of your blazer.Â
She pulled you discreetly into a dark hallway that connected the music hall to the rest of the school.Â
âDonât touch meâ you uttered, trying to peer away from the girl.Â
Wonyoung didn't look mad, angry, her face was full of desperation as her glassy eyes looked at your tired face.Â
âDon't you see what heâs doing to you? Heâs trying to ruin you. Why are you being so fucking stubborn!â she begged for understandment but your face was blank.Â
âAre you jealous? What is this about, Wonyoung? God, If you want Sunghoonâs attention then go ask him for it. I donât know you, and you don't know meâ you grit your teeth, as she looked at you terrified.Â
âWhat are you even talking about?â she uttered, her voice cracking.Â
âIâm done playing your game. Find another person to play with, Iâm sure there's plentyâ you replied.Â
âY/n you're not one of us. You never will be, so stop trying so hard. Getting with Heeseung won't help you fit in either. And you better not come to me when he destroys whatever reputation you have leftâ her words were harsh, and it seemed like your mention of Sunghoon riled her up completely.Â
Wonyoung and Sunghoon have been dating for a while now. Only Wonyoung would know the exact timeline since Sunghoon had no interest in celebrating milestones with the girl.Â
It wasn't like he didn't like her at all, he wouldn't give her the time of day if that was the case. He just found it thrilling and entertaining, the way she called his name, the way sheâd give up everything for him if he asked. Sunghoonâs mother had set him up with the eldest daughter of Taesung Group the moment she found out heâd be a boy, so to him, Wonyoung was just a distraction from the tiring business life his mother engulfed him in.Â
âGive it up, Jang Wonyoungâ a male voice echoed, footsteps coming closer.Â
She looked disgusted when the vision of the boy became clearer.Â
âDidn't manipulate her enough today, so you had to come do it here? Fuck off, Heeseungâ she sneared.Â
Heeseung laughed, and grabbed your hand ostentatiously. Her gaze was glued to your intertwined hands. It made you smile slightly, the way her lip twitched at the vision, it was satisfying.Â
âNo oneâs manipulating anyone. Sorry if that messes up your little narrativeâ he replied, with a smile that made her want to throw up.Â
âIâve been here long enough to know that's bullshit. Youâre full of shit, Lee HeeseungâÂ
Your eyes flew back and forth as you tried to analyze everything about the situation.Â
âOpen your eyes, Y/n. Canât you see it?â she whispered, her expression changing as she turned towards you.Â
âIâm not like you, remember? So stop trying to give me advice, itâs patheticâ you voiced, and she scoffed.
âDid she say that to youâ Heeseung looked down at you worriedly, and as soon as you nodded slightly, he looked back up to Wonyoung âAnd Iâm the bad guy? At least she didn't have to convince Kim Sunooâs parents to forcibly get her into the schoolâ he smirked, and Wonyoung with a frustrated groan, positioned her body towards the music hall, leaving you two in the eerie hallway.Â
Wonyoung was the best scoring student, but things used to be completely different. She despised studying, keeping a large distance from all sorts of books. But her parents couldn't fathom the idea that Wonyoung would not attend Saint Matthews. So with a bottle of expensive wine and some sweet words, the girl's parents got her in using their connection to Kim Sunooâs parents who were major politicians in the country.Â
She didn't like people bringing that up ever since it drunkenly slipped her while at a birthday party, so Heeseung exposing it in front of you had her embarrassed for the rest of the day. She wanted you to believe her badly, but the revelations only confirmed all your speculations about the girl, making it practically impossible for you to listen to anything she has to say to you from now on.Â
âŠÂ
âGod Wonyoung is such a bitch! Is she jealous? What is her issue seriouslyâ you complained, pacing around Heeseungâs terrifyingly large room.Â
It was your first time over at the boys house. It was unusual for you, all the maids showing you around, treating you like royalty, guiding you to every room. Their fake smiles, and forced acts of kindness made you sick.Â
His house was colossal, massive, it extended into a vast land and the drive up to it alone was long-lasting. The walk from your apartment to a nearby store wasnât half the length of his home, and it was appalling to you in a way.Â
Heeseungâs room, for contrast, was bright, warm and welcoming. The sunlight shined down on his belongings from the ceiling high window, creating a special space where all his piano, guitars and other musical instruments lay. You recall him telling you about his passion for music, but you took it as more of an underground soundcloud rapper type of situation.Â
âItâs just Sunghoon. Itâs always been about Sunghoonâ he answered calmly, sitting down on his couch, and with his wrought hand, patted down his lap, beckoning you to come to him.Â
âYour friends are nice, and all, but you know nothing can substitute a girl best-friend. I just hoped she would be differentâ you sighed, and placing yourself on Heeseungâs lap, your arms automatically wrapped around his neck, head slightly leaning on his shoulder.Â
His hands instinctively encased your waist, his head moving along with his eyes, as he tried to get a better look at your worn out face.Â
For a moment Lee Heeseung felt bad, seeing how much comfort the two of you found in each other, knowing he canât possibly let this go on longer. It started off with pure lust, a need to ruin the scholarship student that knows nothing about life from this side. Now he was finding himself wanting more, knowing he canât give it.Â
Heeseung wanted to wreck your innocent image, but found himself losing it far before he even had the chance to start his plan.Â
âTheyâre your friends now too, Y/nâ he whispered, the moment feeling way too sacred âSheâs lying, you know that right?â he asked after a moment of silence. He looked at you once again, checking for your expression.Â
âI know, Seungieâ your voice is muffled by the material of his jacket, but he can hear your words loud and clear.Â
He feels like all the air in his lungs has been vacuumed up, as his last breath hitches in his throat. He feels sick. Your pretty eyes look at him with so much sincerity, trust, yet all he can think about is vivid images of your small frame under him. He can't help but wonder just how much prettier youâd look with tears in your eyes as youâd tell him it hurts.Â
His fingers slightly slide over the buttons of your blouse, as he continues to stare deeply into your face, searching for signs to stop. But you look towards him indifferently, a calm expression decorating your features.Â
Heeseungâs hand hovers over your uncovered thigh. He wants to feel the wetness that seeps through your panties on his fingers so badly. He wants to slowly unbutton your blouse, his eyes scanning your figure, his hands grabbing onto anything.Â
âDo you want to smoke with me?â he asked, hoping that his lessons on how to properly inhale would lead him to something a little more intimate.Â
âI haven't done that yetâ you admit, and he chuckles.Â
âI know. This could be your firstâ he smiles âRemember, I told you I want to help you. Well Iâm doing it nowâ he added, quicklyÂ
âAm I going to be fine?â you asked, peeling your head off his shoulder to look at him properly.Â
Heeseung smiles leaning back on the couch. His fingers delicately push stray strands of hair behind your ear âIâm fine, so Iâm sure youâll be okayâ he assures and you nod moderately.Â
You deliberately slide off his lap, as he stands up to rummage through the bottom drawer of his dresser. He pulls out a tin box with an adorable puppy on it, and you find it humorous in a way, considering the pretty design is hiding something so toxic inside.Â
You remember the sight of high Heeseung very well. He seemed to scare you a little back then, his words slipped from his mouth with so much ease and confidence.Â
âYou don't have to worry, nobody really gets high on their first tryâ he places the box on his coffee table, carefully opening it up.Â
âWell thatâs no funâ you comment.Â
âIt isn't the case for every new smoker, but still no one really knows why,â he explained, using his extensive knowledge to educate you.Â
It wasn't the ideal area of knowledge to know everything about, but it made Heeseung feel good. It made him feel safe whenever he smoked with his friends or new people. He always knew what to do and how to act if something were to go wrong.Â
âThis weed Jay sold off to me is hella dank, maybe you will feel something after allâ he smiled, and even though you had no idea what he was saying, you reciprocated.Â
Heeseung pulled out one of his filters, folding it and rolling it into a cylinder. He placed it at the end of his paper, filling it with cannabis and sprinkling just a bit of tobacco inside. He tightened it and with his tongue moistened the shiny edge of the paper.Â
âYou need to feel the smoke travel down to your lungsâ he explained, searching for a lighter in his pockets âInhale for like 2 seconds, and take smaller hits so you don't cough so muchâ he smiled, finally pulling out a green lighter.Â
You never were interested in smoking or drinking, but some part of you couldn't deny Heeseung. It was stupid, but perhaps this was your one way ticket to his heart.Â
Heeseung lit the joint, staring intensely as the flame moved across the surface, waiting for the right moment to take the first hit.Â
He inhaled, his teeth slightly gritting as he exhaled the smoke, the familiar scent hitting your nose.Â
He held the blunt between his fingers, and moved closer towards you âIâll guide youâÂ
Heeseung propped the lit cannabis next to your lips and with a nod to his head, ushered you to take it into your mouth. You assuringly looked at him, counting down the two seconds in your mind as a burning sensation coated your throat. You felt the smoke travel down to your lungs, pulling away to take a deep breath. With a small cough you exhaled, making Heeseung smile.Â
He didn't know heâd enjoy seeing you like this âGood girlâÂ
You took a long sip of the water that has probably been on his coffee table for a long time, the liquid tasting a little weird. But you didn't care, the need to moisten your throat overpowering the unfresh taste.
âWas it good?â he asked, taking another rip.Â
The smoke hit you in the face âNot the bestâ you answered honestly and he chuckled.Â
âIt gets betterâ he assured, and passed you the blunt again.Â
âŠÂ
It felt weird. Weird in a good way.Â
Your eyelids felt heavy, the laughter coming to you naturally. Obviously you didn't feel half as high as Heeseung who swore he was walking in slow motion, but you most certainly were enjoying yourself.Â
To Heeseung it feels like an attack on his fragile ego, the fact that he has gotten so far but not on top of you just yet. And even with the minuscule bit of confidence he has earned right now, he needs to at least try.Â
Your purity radiates off of every one of your laughs as you intently look at him, just slightly fiddling with the loose string on your skirt. If he moved just a little bit he would probably be able to see what's under the navy material.Â
Heeseungâs pants start to feel uncomfortable against his skin once again as you keep on laughing so innocently at his ambiguous jokes only a virgin like you wouldn't understand.Â
He wants to feel your lips against his again but this time he knows he won't stop at that. He can't.Â
âI want to kiss you so badâ he admitted, and you felt an unknown wave rush through your veins, his face slowly inching closer.Â
He waited patiently for a response, his mind well aware that any sudden move would cause his plan to backfire.Â
But instead of letting him take the lead, you nearly closed the gap between the two of you, letting your lips just slightly graze against his, smiling as he waited impatiently.Â
âSuch a teaseâ he murmured before pressing his pretty mouth against yours, his hands traveling to the back of your neck, holding you still against him.Â
He smiled into the kiss, his tongue tasting the familiar vanilla chapstick, the scent of your perfume hypnotizing, making a blur of Heeseungâs mind. The way your lips felt against him even though you were so inexperienced, it felt much more special to him.Â
Heeseungâs lips never left your skin, traveling so delicately down to your jaw, placing chaste kisses everywhere he could. His ivory fingers held tightly onto your waist, his other hand cupping your cheek, as he continued to slide down to your neck.Â
He wasted no time leaving small, and visible marks, his teeth slightly biting into your skin, the quiet breaths that left your mouth, riling him up even further.Â
âCan I?â he asked, Heeseungâs eyes going back and forth from your face to the buttons of your dress shirt.Â
With your mouth parted and an unsteady breath you nodded.Â
He smirked, and continued to attack your collarbones, his fingers unbuttoning your blouse with ease.Â
âYouâre so hotâ he breathed onto your chest, pressing you down onto the mattress fully.Â
The sweet noise that slipped from your lips, made a sly smile reappear on Heeseung's face, his cock twitching in his pants, the material suffocating him.Â
If he moved down even a little bit, heâd probably be able to notice the soaking wet patch on your panties.Â
The way his lips felt against almost every part of your body, the soft yet sudden touch of his fingers, it all felt way too good to give up.Â
Heeseung gave you a knowing look, his face just a couple centimeters from your heat, his hands digging into your thighs.Â
He noticed your relectuance âYou know I just want to help youâ he cooed, soothing down your skin, crawling right back up to face you âLet me make you feel good, pretty girlâÂ
You weren't afraid of many things in your life, but most importantly, being unraveled by Heeseung and him finding nothing he wants in there.Â
You nodded slowly, his smile growing with each one of your nods. You didn't know what heâd do next, the blood in your body pumping faster as you anticipated his next move.Â
Heeseung moved up your skirt, and as the fabric moved up, your skin burned with anticipation. His eyes darkened as he took in the sight of your covered cunt, begging for his attention.Â
âSo wetâ he commented, his hand gently pressing your sensitive core âI barely even touched youâ he added, chuckling.Â
He gave you one last glance searching for confirmation, which you once again gave him, before sliding off your underwear. Heeseung didn't even bother removing your skirt, his mouth wet with desire.
 Heeseungâs fingers barely hover over your folds, the sole heat that radiates off of him making you squirm, twitching slightly.Â
He laughs âSo sensitive and for what? Relax, pretty thingâ.Â
He positions himself against you, his eyes locking with yours as he places swift kisses on your inner thigh. His lips move down in a slow pace, and you have to stop yourself from pushing his head forward. Each peck burns on your shivering skin, overwhelming you to the bone. His breath felt soft on your bare flesh, fingers digging into your thighs.Â
His tongue flicked out, coming in contact with you after what felt like eternity. Your legs fight the urge to close on him, his mouth sending shockwaves of pleasure down your body.Â
You grab at the nearest pillow, covering your face with it, embarrassed at how exposed you felt in front of him. His tongue delved deeper, lapping up all he could taste of you.Â
The heat of his touch, the place that warmed you. The pulse, he could hold onto it alongside other rythmns. He just couldnât get enough, he wanted to pry you open. Time faded away slowly, as he continued to devour you.Â
You were on the edge, teetering between pleasure and pain, your body begging for release, as the knot in your stomach tightened. Â
His mouth latched onto you, sucking and flicking with expert precision. He was enjoying himself, the sweet taste of innocence lacing his tongue. The sweet taste of crimson red innocence that he worked so hard to diminish, that he worked so hard to scrape you of.Â
Heeseung was probably the closest you'll get to heaven in this lifetime. He was God's favorite, right at your thighs giving you the most beautiful form of pleasure avaliable.Â
âFuckâ his chest heaves uneasily, his fingers gripping tightly onto your thighs âI could eat you out everydayâÂ
You wanted to beg him for more, beg him to let you release as it became even harder to hold it in. Completely and utterly lost in the new sensation, you roll your hips, gliding against his parted lips.Â
âKeep doing that, fuckâ he slurs, lost in a trance, his only goal being making you feel good.Â
You caught a glimpse of him for just a moment- his pretty eyes so focused, his lips swollen and covered in your arousal. With every sound, every small movement, his actions became rougher, the feeling in your stomach becoming unbearable.Â
âCum for me, pleaseâ he mumbled against your skin, his desperation to make you cum fueled by the way you can't even form a proper sentence in response.Â
Your fingers grip his bed sheets, his name falling from your lips multiple times before you feel the knot in your stomach quickly coming undone, a wave of intense pleasure washing over you.Â
âOh my godâ you cried before fully releasing onto his face, his tounge desperately trying to lap up every single drop of his own hard work.Â
Your whole body twitched in the aftermath of your climax, Heeseung still holding you down, his pretty lips back on your thighs and stomach, as he waited out your high with you.Â
âSo pretty,â he murmured, looking at you with lovesick eyes.Â
With just a small blunt that barely got any of you high, Heeseung managed to get you just halfway where he needed you. Obviously, heâd rather have you on your knees in front of him, tears filling up your eyes as he pushed your head further down his cock, but this was enough to satisfy him, for now.Â
He was peeling apart your innocence slowly, but surely, and his ego was never higher.Â
______
Itâs been a long time since youâve talked to Aeri Uchinaga.Â
Aeri, or how everyone liked to call her, Giselle, was one of your closest friends from the âlower classâ school you used to go to. She was like a sister to you, the only âfamilyâ you ever truly had in your life.
You promised yourself to never let go of your values and never let your relationship with Aeri falter, but both of those things went down the drain a long long time ago.Â
Seeing the messages between the two of you lose all their momentum, become less frequent, and come down to âHowâs Saint Matthewsâ or âHow are you holding up over there?â frightened you.Â
Would she even want to talk to you? Would she pick up if you called? Would she care?Â
âI donât know. Maybe I should just let it go?â you said, scrolling through all the messages you and Aeri shared over the past month, noticing how you could probably count them with two hands.Â
Heeseung hummed, turning away from his calculus worksheets âI think if she cared enough sheâd reach out. She should understand you're busy with your new life and be the first one to initiate conversations and allâÂ
It was partially true. Why should you be the only one to care and keep the friendship going? She should also try more, shouldn't she?Â
âIâve known her for years, Hee. I can't just let go that easilyâ you murmured, and he scoffed quietly.Â
âBut you have me now, isn't that enough?â he asked, his expression emotionless.Â
Heeseung didn't even realize his words came out much more arrogantly than he intended.Â
âI know, Iâm sorryâ you looked down âI just still want her to be in my life, thatâs allâ he hummed in approval, finding it annoying, the way your words implied like he wasnât satisfying you in every sector.Â
Jay, who sat opposite of you in the study hall, sighed ostentatiously.Â
âThen just text her? I don't see the issue, seriouslyâ he commented, pulling one of his airpods out of his ear, apparently tired of hearing you complain about such an âeasy matterâ.Â
âItâs not that easy, Jayâ Sunghoon mumbled, not taking his eyes off the work in front of him.Â
Jay gave him a questioning look, deciding not to continue the conversation, way too tired for another fight with Sunghoon.Â
Sunghoon had been behaving awfully weird ever since the fight at the apartment. He suddenly felt the need to comment on everything slightly negative that Jay or anyone else said towards you. That was one of the primal reasons for the group's continuous fighting.Â
âLetâs get out of hereâ Heeseung turned to you after a moment of uncomfortable silence.Â
You nodded reluctantly, still not finished with the stacks of papers you had to complete by tonight. But you could never deny Lee Heeseung. Not with the way his eyes glare at you intensely, and definitely not with the way his hand grips yours tightly, pulling you away from the table, not leaving a second for goodbyes. Not like youâd want to fakely smile at Park Jongseong with a wave; you fucking hated his guts.Â
âYouâre being weird todayâ you notice, his body facing away from you, pulling you towards an unknown destination.Â
You still haven't fully addressed the lingering tension that stuck to you after what happened. But since Heeseung didn't bother mentioning it, you decided that it probably would be better to leave it at that. Sex, with all the ways it came in, was normal, and you were sooo normal about it too.Â
âIâm notâÂ
Heeseung couldn't avoid the growing pain in his heart, recalling whatever the fuck he did back at his house, seemingly starting to realize that it probably wasn't something he needed to do, but something he wanted to do.Â
For fucks sake, he never came out with the initiative to eat a girl out, and he most definitely never just left it at that, not even getting his dick wet in the process.Â
The usually loud and bustling atmosphere of the student common space seemed to be gone, the bean bags and couches empty, no student in hindsight.Â
âI just can't be around them anymore,â he added after a rather long moment, sitting down with a thud on one of the black couches.Â
âDid you fight again?â you asked, placing yourself down next to him, your hands almost automatically finding their way to his own.Â
âYou could say thatâ he chuckled, recalling how Jake once again brought up your topic, which led to yet another heated discussion.Â
âYou should talk to them, this has been happening way too much recentlyâ you ushered, and he shook his head with another small laugh.Â
âThey are most definitely not those kinds of people. Don't think I've had a serious conversation with them like everâ
Heeseung, Jake, Jay and Sunghoon have been friends for quite a long time now, especially Heeseung and Jay, and their lack of communication was astonishing. Every fight would be brushed off, theyâd just pretend nothing happened and laugh it off. Every hard decision would have to be made individually because asking for advice was pointless. It wasn't easy with them and Heeseung knew that.Â
âEither way, Iâm happy you talk to me about it, maybe it can ease your mind just a littleâ you smiled, and he reciprocated, looking at you.Â
âYeah, it does helpâ he confirmed, and leaned back.Â
Heeseung lived by night. As soon as the sun set it was as if his sins were disguised. So he hated the way his mind was slowly coming to the realization that the stupid plan he made was set for disaster the moment he sought out for you in the morning.Â
âDo you want to come over after classes?â he asked, playing with the hem of your skirt, the seemingly innocent action making your heart flutter nervously.Â
âIâm over there almost everydayâ you laugh, and so does he, a snide smile on his lips.Â
âYou know your fate thenâ he says, his hand still inching closer, the public space that surrounded you having no effect on him.Â
âWhy are your parents never home?â you ask, and he finds it humorous in a way. Obviously owners of a multimillion company would never find time to spend back at home with their adult sons.Â
The difference between you and Heeseung was that you knew your parents wouldn't be there to welcome you home everyday. You knew it was impossible. Heeseung could only suspect or assume, because his parents had given up on telling him when theyâll return from a business trip a long time ago.Â
âTheyâre busy, I guessâ he said, with a small sigh âOr at least they pretend to be, I wouldn't be shocked if the multiple business trips were just vacationsâ he laughed, his gaze falling onto you again.Â
âAt least you have your brother thereâ you smiled and he chuckled, he most definitely did not have a brother in reality.Â
âHonestly, if he wasn't there it wouldn't make much of a differenceâ Heeseung sighed, and even though heâs gotten used to the relationship he shared with his brother, it still saddened him in a way.Â
âItâs about the company, right?â you asked, and he nodded with a chuckle.Â
âSmart girlâ he cooed, ruffling your hair softly. You laughed, and shoved his hand off playfully.Â
It wasnât so hard to assume after all. What else could rich siblings be fighting over, who gets to sit in the passenger seat? Who gets to have the last slice of pizza? That's so fucking humorous. He was fighting with his brother over millions and a couple more millions, and didnât even realize how materialistic and stupid that sounded to someone like you.Â
Heeseung pulled your body closer to his, feeling an otherworldly connection course through his veins as you gave away your warmth to him. And how much tighter did you need to be pressed against each other before he finally admitted that he wasn't doing this for warmth.Â
How many times did his thumb have to press against the edge of your mouth for him to realize he's gone too far?
âDid you hear that Sunghoon broke up with Wonyoung?â he asked, his body melting into yours with every passing second.Â
You looked at him with wide eyes, but on another note, you would be lying if you said you didn't expect it. And it most definitely didn't shock you that Sunghoon was the one to initiate it.Â
âWhy?â you asked, even though it wasn't a hard deduction to make yourself.
âI think me and you both know whyâ he huffed, a hint of humor lacing his tone âHonestly good for him, that girl is insufferableâÂ
âOh I knowâ you agreed, and he smiled âGo easy on him, stillâÂ
âI'll try my bestâ he rolled his eyes playfully âWe should definitely throw him a celebration partyâ Heeseung inquired and you chuckled.Â
âIs that really something heâs celebrating, or just us?â you asked and he smiled.Â
Sunghoon was so incredibly hard to read, and knowing if the breakup is impacting him negatively or positively was something nobody would ever know.Â
âItâll still help him get back up on his feet, if he even needs toâ he replied, and you nodded smiling.Â
You had no idea about the status between you and Heeseung. Things happened, and things were most definitely still happening, you both knew it, but nothing changed within the label itself. But then again, you took Heeseung as the type that didn't like labeling things.Â
Of course you wanted to be his girlfriend. You wanted people to start knowing you by âLee Heeseungs girlfriendâ, not âBroke Transferâ or âPoor Scholarâ.Â
You relied heavily on Heeseung. He was like your life support in the walls of this school. He helped you make decisions and was there for you whenever you needed him. He felt just like flying too close to the sun, and it was addictive. You knew that very well.Â
He truly was the only person you had. And well, you assumed that maybe calling Aeri isn't that good of an idea.
 Well, thatâs what Heeseung agrees with anyway.Â
__________Â
You were so out of it.Â
You had told Eunseok that youâll be staying the night at a new friend's house, but would he really care if he were to find out youâd actually be getting shit faced at a massive house party in a mansion you didnât really know the owner of.Â
Probably not.Â
The music was so loud you could barely register the words Kim Sunoo spoke to you so enthusiastically. You had come here expecting to spend some time with Heeseung, but no matter how much you wanted to go look for him, the never ending white hallways that led to countless guest bedrooms frightened you.Â
From your comfortable position on the couch, you could spot Sunghoonâs lonely figure at one of the tables. He was supposed to be the main attraction, the whole event centered around his new found freedom, but it seemed like everyone around him was having much more fun than him.Â
You quickly waved off Sunoo, unsure of what he truly was going on about for the past 10 minutes, heading towards Sunghoon.Â
âAre you okay?â You asked without having to shout in the boy's face, finding the corner he sat in much quieter.Â
He looked startled, he didn't catch the moment where you came to him âIâm fineâ Sunghoon replied swiftly, blinking a few times.Â
You found it cute.Â
âWhy are you alone? Where is everyoneâ you asked him another question and for the first time you saw him smile so sweetly.Â
He always had the same emotionless expression on his face, conversations with him felt like a punishment. Seeing him like this made your knees weak, a slight pain in your heart as you wondered what he was thinking about.Â
âI hoped youâd tell me thatâ he said, his small smile never fading.Â
You chuckled âI thought all this was supposed to be for youâÂ
He shook his head with a laugh âI never wanted any of this. They just used my situation as an excuse to get black out drunk, I guessâÂ
Even though it was sad, he never stopped smiling at you. His head rested on his knuckles, his eyes twinkling as his gaze was focused on you.Â
âThatâs rudeâ you inquired, and he laughed again, but this time it much more resembled a scoff.Â
âHeeseung has done and is doing things much worseâ he murmured, and even though the music was still very much blasting through the speakers, you heard him. Â
You thought about it before questioning him again. Did you even want to know? Or are some things better left unspoken.Â
âLike?â you finally said, and thatâs when Sunghoon went quiet.Â
With a thud he slammed his glass on the table, and stood up. He nodded his head towards one of the rooms at the end of the hallway signaling for you to follow him. He extended one of his hands towards you, and with the smallest bit of hesitation you took it, allowing him to lead you towards the space.Â
Park Sunghoon looked so beautiful that night. His ivory skin glowed under the bright, colorful lights, his gaze was so piercing, and his lips just begged to be kissed. The pair of glasses hanging off his nose complemented his white fitted dress shirt, and his black pants showed off his perfectly long legs. You saw a different side of him and didnât exactly like the way it made you feel.Â
He closed the door behind you after assuring that the two of you would be alone. He didnât know why he was doing this, why he was betraying one of his closest friends.Â
But he thought about it all the time. He couldnât get peace of mind. He couldnât let his heart hurt for you, watching you fall for a fraudulent man that didnât deserve someone as loyal and caring as you.Â
âWhat is going on Sunghoon?â you asked, standing above him, as he placed himself on the leather couch with a sigh.Â
âI know you like him, I know you believe everything he says and I know you wonât like what Iâm about to sayâ he started explaining, and the suspense was killing you âBut heâs not the guy you think he is. Youâre not the first one, Y/nâÂ
âWhat the fuck do you mean Iâm not the first one Sunghoon. First, what?âÂ
He was trying to stay calm, but you were already getting annoyed and he hasnât even dropped the real bomb on you.Â
Sunghoon thought about it for a second. Was using Pham Hanni a good example or should he reach deeper inside his mind to find another person Heeseung has used to fulfill his own perverted and psychotic desires.Â
âI mean youâre not the first girl he has used this wayâ he uttered without looking at you, too scared to see your expression.Â
Were you scared? Or were you mad? Hurt or in disbelief?Â
You didnât respond, letting the silence devour the two of you for a moment.Â
âPlease say something, Y/nâ he whispered, grabbing your hand.Â
His hands were cold, his fingers long and ivory. His touch was so smooth, and welcoming. He managed to pull you down next to him, yet you still couldnât slip a word out of your mouth. He wondered if youâd ever reply or if you would just sit there, forever, next to him in silence.Â
Heâd like that. Heâd like that more than he should. He was already betraying his friend, but his heart still wanted more. He wanted you to be more.Â
âWhy are you telling me about this, Sunghoon?â you finally said, and he looked at you, his gaze softening.Â
âBecause I like youâ he said, his gaze falling to your intertwined hands âAnd I canât stand looking at you getting lied to like thisâ he added after a short moment.Â
It didnât hit you when he said it. It felt like a moment that passed by quickly, it felt like it wasnât anything significant. But looking at him, feeling the coldness radiate off of him, and feeling his scent made you realize he actually said it.Â
âDonât say that, Hoonâ when the usage of his nickname slipped off your tongue, and he knew you didnât mean it.Â
He knew you felt it too, you just couldnât say it, right? There was this invisible string tying you tightly to Heeseungâs grip, holding you back from giving into him. You wanted to. Youâve always wanted to, and so did he. From the moment he saw you, standing there with Wonyoung on your first day.Â
Neither of you moved, caught in each other's closeness, both aware of it, both unsure.Â
Sunghoonâs slender fingers grazed your jaw, softly pulling you to face him. His lips were slightly parted, and you could feel his breath, laced with alcohol and cigarettes. His gaze was heavy on yours and you could feel your heart racing in your throat- but you couldnât pull away.Â
He traced the curve of your jaw, his hand slipping down to your throat. His grip was firm, his lips grazing over the edge of yours.Â
âTell me to stopâ he whispered, smiling when he only heard a faint breath slip from your mouth. âTell me and I willâ he smiled against your cheek.Â
âI want you so badâ he murmured, his voice low âYou donât even knowâ His nose was pressing against your cheek, his breath hot on your skin. You could feel him all over you.Â
All at once, the restraint you had, faded away. His back fell to the soft padding of the couch, your legs straddling his lap, keeping him still and open for you. A slow smile tugged at the corner of his lips, eyes dark and hooded.Â
His hands slipped down to your lower back, pulling you in closer, skin to skin. You felt dizzy, his mouth eating at your neck, his teeth grazing your skin. He grabbed your waist tightly, moving you back and forth on his growing bulge.Â
His hands moved up to your jaw as you rode his clothed crotch without his assistance.Â
You felt shivers down your spine, an uncontrollable force pushing you for more. You wanted him whole, completely forgetting about the boy that was somewhere in this house, laughing with his friends.Â
But you didnât want him to stop, finally closing the last breath of distance between you and Sunghoon, pressing your lips to his.Â
The kiss was sloppy, he met you with even more eagerness, your hand moving down to his chest, feeling his carved muscles against your fingertips. His tongue pried your mouth for entrance, deeping the connection between you. He held you as if he had been waiting forever for this moment, holding your body firm against his own.Â
You pulled away, your faces inches apart, your forehead resting against his. Your lips coated in his saliva, trying to catch your breath, he looked at you with so much passion and longing.Â
The regret started to settle in, but you couldnât move away, even when his fingers caressed your cheek, you leaned into it.Â
âYou should be with me,â he whispered, a hint of desperation coating his voice âWeâd be so good together, Iâd make you feel so goodâ he added, his hand slipping past the band of your small skirt.Â
âSunghoonâ you breathed out, your face falling to the crook of his neck as he played with the material of your underwear.Â
âYou were made for me to love, let me pleaseâ he pleaded, his breath shaky.Â
You could feel his soft touch caressing your skin, his erection firmly against your clothed heat, it all felt like a dream. If you looked at him, it would all become real again.Â
âWe shouldn'tâ you said, your words muffled by the silky material of his dress shirt.Â
He heard you, he didn't want you to stop, he was so desperate to have you, he wanted to show you just how much better he was than Heeseung.Â
âItâs not wrong when he doesn't knowâ he took your jaw into his fingers, forcing you to look at him. You looked so pretty and innocent, your lipstick slightly smeared around your lips.Â
Sunghoon pressed his hungry lips against yours once again, and you complied with his movements. The kiss was messy, sloppy, and at that point, he lost any control that was left in his body.Â
Dazed, he didn't even hear the door jerk open. Neither did you, focused on his lips that have moved down to your neck once again.Â
âWhat the fuck is this?â a familiar male voice shouted angrily, causing you to pull out of Sunghoonâs touch, scared to look at the man standing in the doorway. You knew it was him.Â
âHeeseungâ Sunghoon murmured, his eyes wide as the realization started to settle in. He stood up from the couch, walking towards the boy who looked like a ticking time bomb.Â
You sighed, hands in your hair, no words left to be spoken. You felt nothing, Sunghoonâs touch still lingering on your skin, and Heeseungâs words in the air.Â
âCalm down, Heeseungâ Sunghoon said softly, still unsure of the situation that surrounded him.Â
Instead of that, he got hit with a punch to his face, harshly stumbling backwards, his back pressing against the glass table. He touched his cheek, the sensation causing him to flinch. He could feel the taste of blood in his mouth.Â
âIâm sorryâ he said, looking down, spitting into the glass cup that someone left on the table.Â
Heeseung smiled seeing his friend's reddish saliva slide down the walls of the glass.Â
You stayed quiet, hoping the same fate wasn't waiting for you. You wanted to disappear, already creating the monologue youâd spill out to Eunseok as soon as you came home. âPlease, I need to go back to my old schoolâ youâd plead until heâd finally give in.Â
âIâm sure you are, Hoonieâ he chuckled, slapping his forearm, taking the cup from his hand âIâm sure you regret it, donât youâ he looked intently at his friend who was struggling to keep eye contact.Â
Heeseung slammed the cup on the floor, the glass shattering across the wooden panels, causing both you and Sunghoon to flinch.Â
Sunghoon nodded his head, trying to stand up straight, but failing miserably as Heeseung kicked his lower abdomen with his knee.Â
âYou think itâs okay to mess with your friends girl behind his back?â he asked, holding Sunghoonâs bleeding jaw in his fingers âIs it?âÂ
âNoâ Sunghoon spat out, looking at Heeseung with his watery eyes, the pain in his stomach unbearable.Â
âHeeseung, please stop, just stop itâ you pleaded, looking up at him from teary eyes, unable to watch anymore âI came onto him, itâs all my faultâ you lied, trying to somehow fix what was already broken.Â
âIs that trueâ his gaze shifted back and forth from you to Sunghoon, waiting for one of you to give him a straight answer.Â
You nodded ferociously, while Sunghoon kept his gaze plastered on the floor.Â
âGet outâ he turned to his vunerable friend, his lips dripping in blood, his hand holding onto his stomach.Â
The view didn't move him one bit.Â
Sunghoon looked at him and then at you, stumbling on his way to the door, slamming it shut when he finally managed to exit.Â
âYou came onto him, yeah? Did you like it?â he chuckled, a devilish grin on his face as he looked at you, so fragile and afraid of him.Â
âIâm sorry Hee, I wasn't thinking straightâ you explained, mentally preparing for him to strike you at any given moment now.Â
You should be the one asking for an apology, he should be the one saying sorry for using you.Â
âGet upâ he ordered, extending his hand to you. You looked at him sheepishly, his dark figure standing over you.Â
You obeyed, taking his cold hand, frightened a little bit by his intimidating and unpredictable behavior. He led you to the bathroom that was placed just across from the couch you were making out with Sunghoon on, stopping in front of the sink.Â
He looked at you through the mirror, his lips falling to your ear âSpitâÂ
âWhat?â you asked, your voice cracking.Â
âYou heard me the first timeâ he said sternly, his gaze never falling from your eyes.Â
âW-why?â you mumbled, and his small smile dropped.Â
His fingers squeezed your waist painfully, his other hand shoving your face down towards the sink âWhen I tell you to do something, you do itâ he groaned, and with your eyes shut, you completed his order.Â
âWash your mouthâ he ordered after a moment, his body pressing against your ass as he held your head in place âWash all thatâs left of himâÂ
You just listened to every word he said. He let go of your hair, letting you look at yourself again. Heeseung smiled, his hands wandering from your waist to the band of your skirt.Â
âDid you like it when Sunghoon touched you here? Did you feel taken care of? Tell me, pretty girlâ his hand slipped down lower, his fingers easily slipping past your panties, hovering over your core.Â
âI asked you a questionâ he said more sternly, as you refused to reply to him, your brain fixated on the feeling of his fingers on you.Â
âI liked it,â you replied truthfully, and he smiled.Â
âYou like when my friends take care of you, donât you? Youâd let Jay fuck you, youâd blow Jake if he asked, wouldn't you?â he asked, and you winced at his words, the sound mixing with the way his fingers played with you.Â
âBut youâd come back to me. Youâd come back all swollen from their house to me. Cause you love meâ he said, and you nodded, your hips riding his hand that was buried deep in your underwear.Â
âWant me to fuck you now? Show you who you actually belong to?â he whispered in your ear sweetly, his fingers still teasing your entrance.Â
âYesâ you managed to utter. Your heart was pounding so hard, a part of you craving Heeseungâs touch, while another one trembled with fear.Â
He turned you around, you could finally face him. His eyes were dark, his anger mingling in the air. His lips were wet with desire.Â
âPlaying with my best friend, making me watch, you loved it, didn't you baby?â he laughed, his hand escaping your skirt, finding its way to your hips. He pressed himself against you, his hands wandering under your top.Â
âYouâll get what you want, donât worryâ he smiled, his fingers caressing your lips âThat pussy wouldn't give it to you anywayâ he laughed, catching you in a sloppy kiss.Â
âGet on your knees, babyâ he said, his tone soft, a caring facade covering his internal rage.Â
You nodded, softly, sliding down to your knees in front of him. The dimly lit space made him look so beautiful, his harsh words leaving with Sunghoon a while ago.Â
âYou can take it right?â he asked, unbuckling his belt, the material of his black dress pants brushing against your skin as he slid them down.Â
You felt a mix of nervousness and anticipation as he teased you, palming himself through his boxers. You could see his pulsing erection, the way his face twisted as he continued stimulating himself.Â
âYou wanna see, huh? Dirty girl, you love every second of thisâ he laughed, his voice laced with innuendo.Â
Finally, with one hand he slid down his underwear, freeing his thick, hard cock. It slapped against his sculpted torso, and he smiled seeing your face light up.Â
âYou like what you see, yeah? So fucking hard just for youâ he asked with amusement, grabbing your jaw.Â
You nodded, finally being able to see him whole, raw in front of you.Â
He was now completely exposed before you, fully vulnerable and at your mercy.
âGood. Feel how hard I am for you. Touch meâ he said, his eyes never leaving yours.Â
You reached out tentatively, unsure of your actions, your cold fingers wrapping around his rigid shaft, coating its surface with his arousal as you slowly stroked him. He was hot and pulsing with his heartbeat.Â
He groaned âYeah, like thatâ his eyes closed with pleasure instinctively âNow put it in your pretty mouthâ he ordered after a moment.Â
You leaned forward, as he pulled your hair aside, twirling it in his palm. Your breath tickled his tip, his teeth gritting as he watched you open your mouth for him, and wrap your sweet lips around the head of his cock.Â
He groaned, your warm mouth hugging him reluctantly. You could taste his bittersweet pre-cum on your toungue, the sensation of his hardness making shivers go down your spine. Your head began to move deeper down his length, finding it difficult to fit all of him inside you.Â
âFuck, sâgood, suck me nice and slow just like thatâ he moaned, slightly pushing your head down his cock. He could see the tears forming in your eyes, and it made him twitch in your mouth.Â
You did as he instructed, taking your time with him, finding the spots that made him react the most, teasing his sensitive underside. Hollowing your cheeks, going faster, Heeseungâs grip on you only tightening with every movement.Â
You looked so helpless and lost, your mouth full of him. He fought to keep quiet, his other hand gripping the counter, his chest heaving unevenly. Your head bobbed up and down, sending jolts of pleasure through his body.Â
âFuck, keep going, Iâm closeâ he whined, his lips parted as he guided you back and forth on his length.Â
His cock twitched, your movements becoming sloppier as you awaited his climax. You could feel him deep down in your throat, the feeling accompanied by his intense breathing and hoarse moans. His hand gripped your hair tightly, he began to thrust gently, fucking your mouth with slow, deliberate strokes. Â
âIâm gonna cum, fuckâ his voice was strained, his heart racing in his chest âGonna cum in your mouth, take my load babyâÂ
He groaned, his warm, thick cum spilling all over your tongue, Heeseungâs body shuddering as he emptied his load down your throat. Â
âSwallow it,â he said, his breath shaky as he rode out his high.Â
He pulled out after a moment, his cock glistening with your saliva and his juices.Â
âYouâre so perfectâ he breathed out, still trying to steady himself âGet up, sweet girlâ he instructed, and with an ache to your knees you managed to get up.Â
His lips hurried to connect with yours, tasting himself on your tongue. Your lips were so soft and wet, your eyes watery. He wiped a salty tear that slipped from your eye. The look on your face took him back to the day he first met you, so pretty and untouched.Â
âLet me make you feel good nowâ he whispered, guiding you to the bed, his pants and boxers left abandoned in the bathroom, as he got rid of his shirt while locking the door.Â
He remembers just how much he fantasized about fucking you behind an unlocked door, hoping one of his sickly perverted friends walked in. But he no longer wanted to share you.Â
He yearned for you, needed you just like the flesh that wanted to knit itself back together after a fresh wound. His desire was so primal, so intuitive. He was peeling his skin back, the layers slowly unfolding before your eyes.Â
âUndress for meâ he waited, his eyes tracing your every move, his body shivering as he watched you.Â
If you were ready, he wanted to make you shiver like that too.Â
You pulled down your black skirt, squeezing your thighs together as you were left only in your underwear. He came towards you, helping with your top half. He puts your hands up, the material gliding against your shaky skin. The fabric falls to the floor with a small thud, leaving you bare for him to adore.Â
He stood back, admiring the beauty of the girl in front of him. He regretted every spoken word at that moment, every curse, every joke and everything that led up to this moment.Â
Those words stained his mouth like a pomegranate, the lingering sensation still on his tongue as he took you in.Â
Heeseungâs lips crashed down on yours, his shivering hands roaming down to your enclosed thighs, spreading you open enough for his fingers to slide through. He explored you with rough urgency, his mind blank as he focused on you and only you.Â
He moved you down to sit on his lap, his hard on pressing against your ass. He trailed hot, open-mouthed kisses down your neck to your chest. Desperation sat heavily on his tongue.Â
âYouâre so pretty, all mine, all this is for meâ he mumbled into your skin, his fingers digging at your hips. Your teeth grit, hands pulling his dark hair.Â
Heeseung was so hungry for you. Hungry for your lips, your flesh, your bones that he wanted to intertwine with his. He was so drunk on love.Â
His hand slipped down your body, his thumb circling small circles on your clothed heat. He felt the wetness seep through.Â
He lifted you up, lying you down on the mattress swiftly. He situated himself in between your legs, his eyes scanning your body. You were such a pretty girl, so obedient and welcoming to him. You didn't protest, just did what he asked you to.
âHeeseung, please..â you whispered, and he could feel his heartbeat speed up âI want you inside meâ he was amused by your eagerness, the way you were so direct with your words.Â
âSweet girlâ he murmured, his fingers hooking the band of your pretty pink underwear âSo fucking ready for meâÂ
He looked at you one last time, his fingers pulling at your panties, and with a nod to your head, he rolled the fabric down your legs, throwing it next to his abandoned shirt.Â
âAlready this wet?â he raised an eyebrow questioningly âI barely even touched youâ a smirk adorned his lips.
He could come just by looking at you, your greed only fueling his own desire to fuck the shit out of you. But he'd hurt you, wouldn't he?Â
Heeseungâs heart was racing just from the sight of you, his body reacting instantly to the view in front of him. His breath came out in ragged gasps, his pretty blue veins popping out from under his skin.Â
He aligned himself with you, coating his length with your arousal. His throbbing cock glided in between your folds, your body trembling at the new feeling, as heavy breaths slipped from your mouth. His tip nudged against your entrance, your heart racing. You had never felt anyone this closely, and nothing made you more excited than it being Heeseung after all.Â
âI wonât hurt you, yeah?â he laughed, his tone low âYou think you can take it?â he teased, his tip slipping in and out, each time going just a little further.Â
âMhmâ you nodded your head, looking at him with your mouth slightly parted.Â
He leaned down to squeeze your cheeks âYeah? And you won't cry?â you attempted to nod again, but his grip on you was firm. You just blinked eagerly, and he chuckled, shaking his head.
His tone was inciting, it could almost seem as if he was making fun of you. Yet no other man had ever made you feel so wanted, so good. No man has ever touched you like Heeseung did.Â
He pressed you down underneath him, holding onto your lower back, his lips wandering all over your damp skin, His touch was rushed, he wanted this just as much as you.Â
âReady?â he asked, stroking himself, his gaze glued to you. You breathed out a short conformation, grabbing into his arm that flexed under your touch.Â
Heeseung nodded, his eyes dark with desire and need. His hands were shaking, his body trembling with the effort of restraint.Â
He grabbed onto your leg, and with a slow movement, buried himself deep inside you. You gasped, pleading for your body to adjust to the sudden invasion. Heeseungâs cock filled you completely, stretching you out in a way youâd never experienced before. He didn't move, waiting for the look of discomfort to wipe off your face.Â
You had wanted this. You waited impatiently for Heeseung to take away the one sacred thing you owned- your virginity. You wanted him to be the man that gets to have you first, the love and thirst for him overpowering any rational thoughts.Â
âFucking tightâ he breathed out, as his head fell back, a low, gutteral moan escaping his lips as he continued to move, his body conusmed by the sheer pleasure.Â
It didn't take him a long time to bottom out, groans falling from his slightly parted lips. The pain of his thickness was almost exciting, your nails digging at his skin, eyelids becoming heavy. His cock buldged in your stomach, making him moan out loud with no sense of embarrassment.Â
Your walls gripped onto his length âFeels s'good, shitâ his thrusts were slow and delicate, not wanting to break your fragile frame âSee this, so fucking deep inside youâ he took your hand and pressed it down on your stomach so you could feel him.Â
âDoes it feel nice?â he kissed your neck, his face hugging the side of yours as he picked up his pace.
You turned to look at him âIt d-doesâ you whispered.Â
He rammed into you, his strokes becoming more frequent and sloppy. His face twisted with pleasure, a stream of euphonious sounds slipped from your lips, powering his own arousal. The music slightly entered the room through the shut door, the sound of skin slapping and heavy breaths overpowering it.
âThatâs it, babyâ his hands gripped your hips as you moved with him in sync, his body almost automatically responding to any of your movements. Your breathing became increasingly uneven and ragged âJust like that, just like thatâÂ
âFuck, Heeseungâ you struggled for breath, his pace becoming infernal.Â
His eyes ran down your body like never before, his face looking down at you intently, almost like a wolf looking down on its prey. His fingers continued to grab onto anything he managed, his mind going blank as the sound of your cries filled his ears.Â
The sight and sensation drived you further into ecstasy, his warmth so strong on your skin. You couldn't help the pleasure, a small, salty tear escaping your glossy eyes.Â
He leaned down, capturing your mouth in a desperate, rough kiss, his body shaking with need. He broke the kiss, his lips trailing down your neck, his breath coming out in ragged gasps. His thumb wiped down the tear from your cheek, his eyes hooded as he stared down at you, analyzing the state he had put you in.Â
âYouâre so perfect, so perfect for meâ he whispered, his body on fire, every fiber of his being consumed by the overwhelming ecstasy of being inside you, of feeling you beneath him.Â
Your moans become guttural, body shuddering with overwhelming pleasure at his words, at the thought of having him like this all the time.Â
âIâm so in love with you, fuckâ he breathed out, his heart pounding in his chest.Â
He knew he was in too deep, knew that he couldn't stop this even if he wanted to, not when he felt like this, burried so fucking deep inside you.Â
âIâm closeâ you managed to articulate, your voice strained.Â
Heeseung nods, his body feeling like heâs on the edge, too. He speeds up his movements, his cock pounding into your tired core at an almost demonic pace. His own senses are overwhelmed by you, his mind and body consumed with desire and pleasure.Â
He gasps, his mouth moving down to your chest âIâm close too. Just a little more, you can do it. Just a little moreâ his voice a low, raspy whisper.Â
You grip his hand tightly, a low moan escaping your lips as Heeseung pushes himself closer to the edge. You were hanging on by a thread, desperate for release, desperate for him.Â
âI canât hold backâ he groaned, his thighs shaking, control slipping him completely âIâm going to fill you up so deep with my cum, baby. Donât moveâÂ
Heeseung took your heart, his mouth stained red. He kisses you with that mouth, heâs all over you again. He can no longer control himself, each movement throwing him over the edge, his own bravery breaking as you look so much sweeter and smaller under him.Â
With one last thrust, his body shuddered as he shot his load of cum inside your pulsating walls. His body collapsed on top of you, his eyes closed as he tried to catch his breath. He continued to move inside you, his fingers holding onto your body, helping you chase your own high.Â
You close your eyes, releasing your own arousal on his length. Your body shivers and arches beneath him. He groans against your neck, gripping your hip tighter, his own body trembling with pleasure and exertion.Â
He buries his face into your neck, his breathing slowly starting to even out after a few moments. He can feel your breathing start to even out under him as you came down from your own climax. He held you close, letting the waves of otherworldly pleasure wash over the both of you.
âYou were so goodâ he whispers, his voice still laced with a hint of breathlessness âI love you, so much. I love you so much it hurtsâÂ
He couldnât help it. Those three words have never fallen from his lips, and this time he couldn't blame it on the slip of his tongue. Every bone in his body, his flesh, his tissue, the sinews that bound him together, it flowed in his veins- the uncontrollable desire to love you.Â
His words struck you to the core. It felt so real, Sunghoonâs confession long gone as you couldn't help but reciprocate his words. With the way he cared for you, it couldn't be true. Heeseung wouldn't use you, he loved you, and you loved him.Â
 You look down at him, and this time he looks much less scary. His eyes aren't so dark and hooded, his hair is messy, and his lips are puffed out.
Itâs been so long since you first saw him, your mind completely swapping the first impression he made on you, to something much sweeter and beautiful. You remembered him so well, he was your precious, doe-eyed baby deer. He was never wrong, he was never the bad guy.Â
The world turned on him, he was innocent. He didn't have a drinking problem, he wasn't smoking too much, he just gave into his teenage curiosity.Â
He continues to lay on top of you, arms wrapping around you, his face buried into your neck. He takes a deep breath, inhaling your scent, savoring the feeling of you beneath him.Â
âIâm sorry, babyâ he whispers, his voice laced with a hint of shame and regret. âIâm so sorryâ he repeats and you look at him, confused.Â
âWhat? Is everything okay?â you ask, caressing his hair, twirling small pieces in your fingers âYou're scaring meâÂ
He sighs, his heart breaking âSunghoon was right. I told him to do it. I told him to tell you the truthâÂ
synopsis ⊠au in which an innocent, shy, and faithful sunghoon takes a summer job as a farmhand. heâs never indulged on his desires until the farmerâs daughter shows him a taste of sin. although riddled with guilt, he cannot deny or escape the new rousing feelings that impurify him. especially when she's set on ruining him every chance she gets.
genre ⊠smut, slow burn romance, strangers to lovers
word count ⊠29k
tags ⊠fluff and angst, repressed desires, innocence loss, guilt and shame, exploring relationships, falling in love, southern gothic vibes, summer au, clingy down bad sunghoon, âmeanâ morally gray reader, both are weirdo loser freaks
content advisory ⊠mdni ! dark-ish content â ïž sexually explicit content in four scenes: handjob, oral (m. rec.), dry humping, thigh fucking, unprotected sex, virginity loss, corruption!kink, degradation!kink, praise!kink, switch!hoon, he whines whimpers and cries; religious themes, concepts, corruption, and criticism; manipulation, animal death, blood, intense scenes, abusive parenting, gun mention and use
note ⊠poured my heart out. i hope you love it as much as i do. dedicated to my other evil, off-putting, and/or weird girlsâreblogs and feedback encouraged â playlist âžâž masterlist đŸ
ăYouâre not sure what life in your small town was like before you were born. You can imagine itâs not too different from what it is now though. The thing about old country towns is they never seem to change. Open fields and miles of farmland. Two gas stations, one grocery store, a few family owned vegetable stands or in-home produce product shops. Only one notable neighborhood where the majority of the townspeople lived if not hidden somewhere else in the countryside. And too many churches to keep track of if the abandoned ones were included in the count.Â
You like to think your parents were happy before you too. Hopeful and optimistic when offered to take over your uncleâs farm. Excited for the next step in their relationship after their marriage. They were the ideal family dream coming to life: high school lovers, engaged after graduation, married, a career handed to them through family with a large property of land and lovely farmhouse. All that was left was to grow that family. To have children to not only help tend the fields and animals but run around barefoot, all smiles, and wide eyed.Â
You were positive that it was something they wanted.Â
But life couldnât have been that easy for them; it wouldâve been too gratuitous of a blessing.
The day you were born, your father knew there was something greatly wrong with you. He claimed that on the day you ripped your mother open, screaming and crying, that God spoke to him for the first time. He called it divine intervention. Believing the birth of your soul was a red-herring of all that was set to come but God would show him the light, the truth: that you were nothing short of evil and needed saving.Â
That year on the farm there was nothing but death. It only furthered your fatherâs harsh thinking of you. The crops and produce either died or rotted before it had the chance to grow or ripe. The animals were dropping dead from unknown illnesses. Every female livestock that gave birth passed in doing so. Barely any profits were made that year. Taxes were rising and so were the prices of nearly everything. It was a huge toll for your family, especially when raising their first child. Before you were even conscious of the situation everything was already deemed your fault.Â
Through the harrowing struggle, your fatherâs optimism turned to resentment. He claimed that bringing you to the farm was not like bringing a daughter home, but a corrosive parasite. He believed that you were the reason for the life being sucked away from their perfect farm life. So, he turned to the only thing that he could trust to save the family from your curse: God. Begging and pleading through prayers every morning and night to the sky for a better season.Â
He studied religion here and there before taking over his brother-in-law's farm but with the farm failing for the first time, he took a change of career paths. He was already well known among the locals, close with the church goers in the community. And somewhere along the way, he managed to start preaching himself. Nearly every christian in your town moved churches to follow where he went. Like sheep to a shepherd.Â
If only they knew what you did, what he was truly like behind the closed doors of your home. How his devotion was turning to violence. Day by day, becoming uglier.Â
While your father busied himself with his new found family, often away from home on the farm, the crops and animals began to thrive again. Slowly but surely, growing and regaining health. He would say itâs Godâs doing, a small taste of His salvation.Â
Your early years were mostly troubled by the relationship of your parents. Too young to fully understand their disputes, drawing at the kitchen table with their yelling sounding the house. It was always about you, that much you knew. Because you watch and you listen. Quick to learn that they tried for another child but never had any success. They wanted someone else to be their baby. Something that felt more like a blessing than you. Your father constantly spitting in your motherâs face that you were the rot to the fruit of her womb. And then he would always end up leaving by slamming the door and your mother would always join you at the table with tears and a bottle of wine. You always just watched, listening in silence. Perhaps just born resilient.
Growing up was different for you compared to most of the kids in your town. You never had the opportunity to make many friends being homeschooled. The only time that was spent around others your age was kindergarten. Kindergarten was short lived because of your behavior; the teachers at school were concerned about you. How you were mean, rough, and sinister with your actions towards others. Picking on the kids you were simply interested in because of how different from you they were. Drawing pictures of gutted cattle or dead, half developed baby chicks still in their shell and giving them as gifts to the teachers. Sharing to classmates the cruelty of farm life and why it was pretty with a smile.Â
Your father loved to find out about this, you could see it in his eyes. The way they were wicked and screamed I told you so to your mother. You didnât understand why it was bad or caused trouble. You were only having fun for the first time. The way the kids ran away crying or the teachers wore faces of shocked horror, it made your insides light up in joy. A new feelingâa sense of excitement. You didnât know it was sick. And of course, it was taken from you. You were removed from school and your mother became your teacher. Your classmates became stuffed animals and the real ones in the barns. It was hard for you to find that joy you briefly felt with others.Â
Sometimes you had a glimpse of it again when your father would punish you. But even that you grew sick of. The mess, the stench of it all. Sticky and red, worse in the heat of summer. He drilled the sick moto for his actions into your head, âI know no punishment, only mercy.â
Father took you both to church more often after that. He had a false image to uphold afterall, one of a happy, God loving family. In his ego he had to prove that his preaching and prayers could fix you, save you. But that was only admitted at home, loud and scary to your mother. Your poor mother, weak and defensive of you, eventually waved her white flag. You wished she kept fighting for you and that she wouldnât begin to see you the way your father did.Â
Childhood and adolescence was a string of questions about yourself. Never quite finding out what made you so bad to be seen as devilish when all you thought of yourself was curious. Perhaps just unlucky to be correlated with negative happenings on and off the farm, always gone without a chance of understanding. Despite it all, you knew well enough the way your parents talked and looked at you was without unconditional love.Â
On your 17th birthday, the family dynamic made the biggest shift to be experienced.Â
At this age, you had such a strong sense of independence and with the lack of parental guidance and monitoring, you would leave town when you could. Ride your bike down the long road to the bus stop at the center of town and take the bus into the city over. Your mother was generous with allowance and you saved your money well, only spending it on books or trips to the movie theater. A form of escape that allowed you to learn more about the world and all the things your parents tried to keep hidden from you. A way to learn how to be human.Â
So when your father was tearing your room apart in search of the same gift he re-gifts you every year, he found some things that made his stomach churn. Every year for your birthday he rewrapped the same, first ever, bible heâd given you. Funny enough that he gave you anything at all considering he never even referred to it as your day, only his day of revelation. And to his disgust, on his sacred day, he found books and journals of explicitly detailed copulation and debauchery.Â
He almost fainted. Stumbling over his own feet, hands shaking as he couldnât tear his eyes away from the words on the pages. That was the only time you smiled on that day. Just for a second. And then a glimpse of hell broke loose.Â
In a rage, he destroyed everything. Your mother stood next to you in tears, telling him to stop and stop. Her hands covered her face but she saw everything through her fingers. You only watched in silence, hands balled in fists by your side. A silent hatred and anger coursed in you. He called you names that no man of God should, especially to his own daughter.Â
âYouâre a disgraceful deviant of Satan! I shouldâve known. My own day of revelation is a curse!â You watched him rip pages apart, his voice booming through the house. âYears spent praying for you and this is how you turn out?! Succumbing to nothing but a dreaming whore?!â
A part of you liked his mean words. It was so rare for him to use such colorful language.Â
You knew what would come next. He was going to have you âcleansedâ. Something he always did when he discovered something new and sacrilegious of you.Â
But it didnât come. Because there was no dying, old sheep on the farm at the time. He did make a promise to not forget though. A promise to have you washed in sacrificial, blessed blood on a day you least expected.Â
Your father left after that, leaving you and your mother behind. He moved to the city to continue his preaching at a larger church. He became known as the closest reverend to God for miles and miles. Lost in his ways, he only made visits when he needed to sort things out for the business of the farm.
You were content with his departure, yet couldnât quite understand why your mother missed him. As far as youâve seen, he was never kind towards either of you.Â
ăBut now, itâs several years later. And although youâre free of your fatherâs heavy presence and homilies, he still makes his trips to the farm. You can feel the air change whenever he does, as if youâve gained a sixth sense for his coming. Naturally intuitive to things having spent your childhood walking on eggshells in your own home.Â
And today, the air feels particularly chill for summer. The breeze sweeps in through your open window. The forecast called for nothing but sunshine all week, yet thereâs an angry, dark cloud hanging over your farm. A foreboding feeling shivers through you, and you know heâs going to fulfill his promise today. You sigh and slide out of bed. âLetâs get this over with.â
You spend the morning doing your usual routine. Brushing teeth, washing your face, then dressing in farm work attire. Your breakfast consists of tea and your mothers homemade strawberry scone. Next is tending to the animals. Your mother usually takes care of the crops and gardening. Itâs a quiet and early morning, as most are. The both of you keep to yourselves, just doing what needs to be done day by day.Â
The sound of a car is heard coming down to the long dirt road and you know who it is by the sound. Itâs a fancier vehicle than the one he left this property with years ago. A meaner part of you likes to think his greedy hands got into that mega churchâs donations but youâre too self aware of the successful farm your family owns.Â
Your father parks in front of the house and your mother is quick to rush over to him, presumably with many questions: How have you been? Are you hungry? Thirsty? What brings you here so early in the month?Â
You roll your eyes at her desperation to cling onto the relationship that clearly ended when you were a child.Â
You place a hand on your hip, leaning your weight to the side that isnât carrying the heavy bucket of chicken feed. Walking away from the coops and back towards the shed by the house, you make eye contact with your father despite only taking a glance.Â
He watches you with narrow eyes from the lowered window of the car heâs still sitting in, very much not listening to a word your mother is saying.Â
He calls your name before you can open the shed. Spinning on the heels of your boots, you turn around with raised brows of questioning.Â
He mouths the words sacrificial tree as he exits the car. Your mother sees this. She wears pained disappointment as she scurries away. Presumably to the barn where the sheeps and lambs are kept. She might as well be a sheep too, you think.Â
The bucket slips from your fingers and drops to the patchy dirt grass by your feet with a thud, spilling over in a mess that will be cleaned later.Â
You donât bother giving him a nod of understanding. You just turn around and begin your walk to the tree line where the man made path is. Knowing it would take some time for his preparations, you walk to the lake thatâs hidden behind the farmland.Â
Itâs a brief walk through your familiar woods. Once at the short wooden dock, you sit down at the end, taking in the gloomy summer scenery. A light fog hugs over the water. You bring your knees to your chest, in your sitting position, and hug yourself the same way.Â
This is your favorite place out of all the land your family owns. Itâs serene, mostly. Always quiet. Youâre the only one who comes here. And itâs nice to swim with when the weather warrants it. Thereâs a feeling here thatâs hard to feel anywhere else you find yourself. Sometimes you imagine what it would be like with someone else, but you doubt it would be as nice. Trouble has a way of following you, it seems. You frown at the thought.Â
Itâs silent like this for a few minutes, just you trying to find a sense of calmness before the impending chastisement. Then you hear some rustling of leaves, heavy footsteps following. You donât turn around yet, you only wait for the call of your name. Your time of tranquility is too brief. You sigh before giving yourself a squeezing hug.Â
âItâs time,â the reverend calls out loudly, âquickly now, we have new farmhands arriving soon.â The sound of his feet walking away is when you stand. You wave a goodbye to the foggy lake before parting ways. Your feet move unconsciously, taking to where your body knows to go.Â
Leaves crinkle underneath your boots and twigs snap. The treesâ branches sway in the gentle morning breezes that pass.Â
In the mix of the small forest, man made crosses of sticks or plywood are spaciously scattered. Like a graveyard to all your bad doings. Most small but one large. Old rotted wood that stands crooked and begging to fall over right next to the largest, strongest tree. Your eyes, that are trained to ground, move upwards the cross and then to the tree. Your father stands there with a large knife in hand. Your mother waits cautiously not too far away. Her demeanor is frightful as if this is the first time. Coward.
An old sheep hangs by its hind legs from a sturdy tree branch. Unmoving and defenseless. Big beady, dumb eyes look in all directions but you. You think it must feel the same guilt as yourself, sorry that its life purpose is to embarrass you, make you hate what you are.Â
âGod told me to make a sacrifice to prove my faith. He guides my hand in washing your soul clean of sin. So here I am with our blessed, dying lamb.â Heâs said this every time. His voice is always miserably rehearsed and preacher-esque.Â
You thought long ago that this was their, the lambs, only use on the farm. Itâs a shame. All that devotion has made him so ugly and violent.Â
You make small steps closer to the lamb. Itâs whining in bleat baas and mehs. Does it know whatâs happening? Is it scared? You like the lambs, sheeps. Pure white, soft, and docile. They never fight back. They just take it. I doubt they need restraints. You could hold them above me just the same and theyâd never resist.Â
âMove faster, for the love of God. Yeah, stand right there underneath like you know how to.â He instructs you, annoyed. His patience running thin as the distant sounds of a truck makes way down the dirt road to the farm property.Â
âOkayâŠâ You donât fight him, with arms crossed behind your back and a hand squeezing around your own wrist, you move closer. Maybe youâre a lamb too.Â
Maybe all your father really was is the executioner.Â
He raises the knife as he begins to speak, it slides over its cotton, white throat but does not cut, âRevelation 7:13-17 Then he told me, âThese are those who come from the great tribulation, and theyâve washed their robes, scrubbed them clean in the blood of the Lamb. Thatâs why theyâre standing before Godâs Throne. They serve him day and night in his Temple. The One on the Throne will pitch his tent there for them: no more hunger, no more thirst, no more scorching heat. The Lamb on the Throne will shepherd them, will lead them to spring waters of Life. And God will wipe every last tear from their eyes.ââ He slits its throat in a quick, harsh movement. The blood spills just as fast, squirting spurts of red before it comes pouring down onto you. âFace up,â you obey even though it brings you rage, âit ought to cleanse those unholy thoughts I know that are still in there.âÂ
Head raised to the sky with eyes and mouth squeezed shut, you let it consume you. Warm, thick and wet washes down from your head onto your clothes then down to your feet. The smell of animal, metallic iron covers you. Itâs sticking to your hair, eyebrows and lashes. You can already feel your clothes clinging to your skin in the dirtiest ways.Â
You stand there, drenching in the its blood. Your father speaks again, firm and slow, âSay it with me now, âI know no punishment, only mercy.ââ All you feel is the animalâs rain of life flooding you.
You open your mouth to speak but are quick to spit and cough out the blood that manages to get into your mouth. Smack.Â
âI donât have time for this,â his voice sounds like an echo, your head is ringing from the harsh swing of his hand. The skin of your cheek stings. He hits like a bitch, you think. âSay it with me now, dammit!â You can feel him wipe his bloodied hand on the side of your shirt.Â
You step back from under the red shower. âI know no punishment, only mercy.â Your words align with his in the perfect paced harmony youâre trained to do so. Enunciated, slow and strong, through gritted teeth.
Thereâs a beat of silence before the sound of your parents footsteps walking away.Â
Standing there in red, yet to open your eyes, you breathe out a shaky sigh of defeat. It sounds more like a growl. With the mostly clean hands you kept safely behind you, you bring them up to wipe the blood from your face. You donât dare to look at the dead animal in front of you. Being covered in it is enough alone to make you feel sick.Â
You think of going back to the lake, jumping in and letting the blood wash off you there, but knowing youâd either walk back with further drenched clothes or naked didnât seem like options you wanted to deal with either. So you just head back to the house. Itâs a slower walk than need be, but you just felt like avoiding the eyes of the newcomers, hoping theyâd be off in the fields or in a barn by the time you walk through. You feel numb.Â
Youâre wrong though, by the time youâre passing the barns and coops, the group of new farmhands are already lined up outside the horsesâ stable. Your mother is talking to them, although not all are paying attention. Only a few pairs of wide eyes follow you. Catching the sight of you must really shock them but you canât blame them. Something about this makes you excited. You stop in your tracks and look around to see if your fatherâs car is gone. It is. The realization feels like a wave of relief and it suddenly feels brighter outside already.Â
You take a glance down to your disheveled appearance. Shirt, pants, and boots painted like the barns. You look back to the group, brushing the soiled hair back from your face. Some pieces stay stuck, in the early stages of drying against your skin.
Itâs safe to have a little fun.Â
You begin a slow walk over to the group. You take a headcount and thereâs five of them. Two younger men, closer to your age. The other three look a bit older, not by much but definitely older. Your mother is yet to turn around from whatever rundown sheâs giving them. Too dense to even recognize that now none of them were paying any attention to her.Â
You creep up beside her and open with, âHello,â your voice is louder than even youâve heard it be in a long time. Itâs nice to be heard, noticed. You usually avoided the farmhands, but this summer was going to be different. You decided this on the walk over.Â
Being cooped up on the farm for so long made you different, itâs obvious to anybody. Not properly socialized in your developmental years caused you to be an anomaly to the ones who did come across you. Enigmatic from far away and up close. Now isnât the greatest example though, the situation is too clear as to why.Â
Your mother turns to you, gasping and jumping back slightly in the shock of your gross state and sudden introduction. âMy goodness, girl, whatta ya doinâ here like this?â Her voice is hushed, clearly unsettled with the situation.Â
They all just stare at you, open mouthed and bewildered. You take the time to get a good look at each of them up close. Your eyes follow their faces individually down the line. And then they stop.Â
At the end of the line is a man more beautiful than the ones youâve seen in the movies. You feel stuck in time, left with parted lips, staring at the man before you. And far too intently for your character. He stands tall, sharp, pale, and elegant. What is a boy like this doing here? He averts his eyes from you, clearly uncomfortable by whatâs before him. He looks uneasy, shifting his weight foot to foot with his hands behind his back. His pretty eyes glance around from you to your mother to the other men and the ground. He simply doesnât know what to do with himself. You find it dangerously darling of him.Â
You donât even realize the small smile that takes your lips. You step closer to him and he steps back, now looking at you with wide eyes of small fear. You extend your hand to him, itâs coated in drying blood. He gulps and the sight, his adamâs apple bobbing in such a biteable neck stirs something in you. This will be far more fun than you intended.Â
You say your name softly for introduction and step a little closer, âNice to meet you," you feign cuteness as much as you can, looking up at him through your blood clumped lashes. Itâs clear to everyone there is something off; thereâs little to no real emotion behind your voice and face.Â
Your mother eyes you suspiciously as you corner the handsome man, but she says nothing. Sometimes she fears you too.Â
He looks from your eyes to your hand, having an internal battle with himself on what to do, âAh, I am Sunghoon... Nice to meet you too.â His politeness must be stronger than his frighteness, because he takes his hand in yours and shakes it gently. His hand is large in yours, nearly covering it entirely. You squeeze it hard, your eyes never leaving his, trapping him in the scene.Â
He wants to look away, to hide somewhere. The way his skin crawls tells him heâs a prey already in the mouth of a predator. And you know heâs nervous under your intense gaze because your hand feels like a lamb is still bleeding above you. His palms are sweating, and itâs nowhere near hot enough for that yet. Your smile grows to a smirk.Â
Although youâre wearing the lamb, having Sunghoonâs hand in yours made you feel like a wolf.Â
ăSunghoonâs first day of his summer job starts off duller than he imagined. The sun isnât out this morning and it only intensifies his anxiousness, as if the grey skies reflect his inner emotions. Heâs already new to the area, away from home and staying in an apartment not far from his college in the city. A private, christian school that he studied hard to get into with his friend. He wishes his best friend and roommate, Jake, was joining him in this job, but Jake already had plans to teach at a summer soccer camp for kids through their school.Â
He found this opportunity through the college church they attend together. A reverend from another church in the city came to visit one Sunday, handing out flyers to the young men in hopes of finding farm help. The pay is good and the bus fairs to the small town over where the farmâs located is covered. Heâs never done work like it before, nevertheless was he going to let a simple offer pass him up.Â
Things are going smoothly to start, being told how to care for, clean, and feed the animals to crop preservation. Everyone would have their own specific roles on the farm. Sunghoon was assigned the easier of the tasks, either feeding animals or watering and fertilizing the vegetables and fruits crops. He learns there are already regular farm workers that would come throughout the week to collect produce, material, and use the machinery for the more laborious work. And if she wasn't around when needed then they could ask any of the regular employees for assistance or find her at the house.Â
As the farm owner is about to give details on the horsesâ maintenance, a girl saunters in. And the anxious feelings become of Sunghoon all over again. His eyes are wide, taking in her appearance. The smell of the farm dissipates and putrid copper takes over. The worst part is how calm she appears, and the fact that sheâs unbothered with all that she wears.Â
He thinks his brain short circuits, everything seeming muffled and unreal. He doesnât even realize he introduced himself or touched her. It all was too quick and unfamiliar for him to grasp.Â
He watches as she walks away, back to the house that sits slightly over the hills and valleys of the property. His expression is blank, blinking slowly at the strange girl then down to his hand thatâs stained red too.Â
âDonât pay her no mind,â the woman speaks up, she sounds as if sheâs warning them. âJust get yer work done and when everyoneâs finished yâall can head back home. I wonât ask too much of ya in yer first month here, alright? That might be a different story later.â She tries to end the statements in humor with her forced laugh.Â
Sunghoon nods but his eyes donât leave his dirty hand. The other men nod along too and give their âyes, maâamsâ in return.Â
The woman continues walking them around the farm, listing rules and guidelines they must follow, along with advice and tips for the work theyâll be doing.Â
The day flows as easy as it can for Sunghoon. He doesnât talk much with the other farmhands. He also doesnât know them well enough to be comfortable in their conversations, so he just exists in awkward silence, sometimes reacting. While they can joke around and find fun in the work, his mind keeps wandering off to the girl from earlier, to you. How your empty eyes held onto his and small hand even tighter. He thinks the palm of his hand still burns from the interaction.Â
Around the afternoon time, Sunghoon and the guys are sitting around a picnic table near the house. The sun is beating down on them all now while they chug down water and eat their lunch. The owner was kind enough to provide their refreshments and meals. They were all thankful.Â
She adds that thereâs a small lodge up the dirt road. Itâs a little old but homey and has space with two spare bedrooms if they need to wash up or rest at any time. It was originally built for the farm workers that worked late and needed a place to stay if need be.Â
Once done, the boys stand up and talk about what they have left to do. The next bus back to the city isnât running for another two hours so they speak of taking some leisure time and exploring the farm property. Meanwhile Sunghoon is still sitting, watching them huddled in conversation. He wipes some sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand as they begin walking towards the fields.
Sunghoon, taking what the farm owner had mentioned previously, decides that heâd like to stay inside to get away from the beating sun for a while. So he gathers his trash to throw away in the bin by the road near the houseâs mailbox and begins his walk to the lodge.Â
Once inside he takes in the rustic, outdated furniture. Itâs a little dusty and the floorboards creak beneath his feet but he finds it somewhat comforting. The living space has two couches by an old stone fireplace, a center table with board games and cards, a kitchenette, and a large dining table with enough space to seat six people.Â
The decor is very farmers-life-esque. From a cow print rug in the small kitchen area to the antlers mounted on the wall near the dining table. Thereâs scenic southern paintings hung up along with antique crosses and prints of bible verses, all adoring the faded and peeling floral wallpaper. Above the fireplace hangs a painting depicting Jesus healing a blind man.Â
He walks down the only short hall in the lodge to find the two spare bedrooms the woman had mentioned along with a bathroom. He takes this time to wash his hands thoroughly and splash some cold water on his face. With his hands resting on the sink, he stares at himself in the mirror. The cold drops of water slip down his face, jaw, and back into the sink.Â
In his mind heâs questioning whether or not heâs sure of this job. Itâs all too different from what he knows and he canât help but feel out of place here. With a sigh, he drops his head and watches the water slip down the sink.Â
He jumps slightly at the sudden sound of the front door opening and closing, not expecting the others to join him here quite yet. No noise follows the action for a moment, not even footsteps. Then thereâs the sound of a click, like the door is being locked. He straightens his posture and peaks out the bathroom door, listening for their voices or any sound other than silence. It offers nothing to him so he begins to feel tense.Â
âHello?â Sunghoon calls out skittishly, but thereâs no response. His heart rate picks up a little and he starts to think the boys are trying to pull some sort of childish prank on him. He leaves the room and makes slow steps down the hallway to the main area of the lodging house.Â
As he rounds the corner he doesnât find any of the boys there though, he just sees you. His heart jumps at the realization. Sitting on the couch, in overall shorts and nothing else. Bare legs crossed and hands against the couch by your sides as you watch him peer around the corner with apprehension. Youâre just sitting there, leaning forward and waiting for him to come find you.Â
Cowardly, Sunghoon makes a half turn. He presses his back against the wall of the hallway as if he could hide away or disappear into it. He even closes his eyes, thinking of a quick prayer to save him from this circumstance.Â
âAre you pretending to be shy or are you really this cute?â Your voice is teasing, and he can hear the wicked smile in it without seeing.Â
Feeling caught, he just sighs and slowly makes his way to the living area. He tries not to look at you, thinking you are too revealing. So he looks everywhere else and then to large windows that give view to the farm; none of the guys are in sight. Most likely somewhere goofing off. All he can see is the fields and farm buildings standing large in the distance.Â
He doesnât move and speaks softly, âI should probably go find the others-â
You speak before he can finish his attempt of an excuse, âCome sit with me.â You pat the space on the couch next to yourself. Your voice sounds welcoming but he knows thereâs an undertone of mischief.Â
He makes a quick glance to you and sucks in a breath at the view of your body thatâs exposed from your overalls. The glimpse of the curve of your breast disappearing under the denim already makes him feel like heâs seen too much of you. And he has. Heâs never seen such bare skin on a girl and heâs never been alone in a room with one either.Â
âCome sit with me, now.â Youâre more stern this time, demanding in a gentle way. Your hand makes small movements, soothing over the material of the couch like youâre warming the space for him.Â
He visibly swallows as he makes his hesitant steps over to you. His heart is racing and with every beat there is a question of his strength. He sits down on the same sofa but not directly next to you like you want. You smirk nonetheless and turn to face him, sitting with your legs criss-cross now.Â
With your elbows to your knees you hold your head in your hands, watching the side of his face. Youâre again realizing how sculpted his features are. Dark thick hair on his head, eyebrows and lashes too. An array of moles sprinkle his pale face. A sharp nose that sits above pink, full lips. You wonder if he knows of his own beauty. Itâs fascinating to see such a person like him in front of you.Â
Heâs sitting with perfect posture, not relaxing into the couch. Alert like a deer thatâs waiting for too sudden of movement to pounce away. His eyes just watch the table, reading through the names of the board games that lay there as a way of distracting himself. Heâs awkward.Â
âUhm⊠d-does your family own this farm?â he tries for small talk to break the silence. His bottom lip finds itself between his teeth as he makes one quick look over to you. Luckily your overalls sit high up or heâd have a full view of your chest. He canât help but think of the fact and it makes him shift uncomfortably.Â
âDo I make you nervous?â you question, seriously so. Brows pulled tight in a furrow with a straight face. You lean in even closer to him, watching for every change on his face.Â
âYes,â his response is honestly quick and ends with a tight lip, like heâs holding his breath. He is yet to comprehend what is happening, still in a whirlwind of thoughts of what couldâwillâhappen.Â
âWhy?â Your head tilts slightly to the side, it makes him think of his roommate briefly. And man does he wish he were here to ease the tension.Â
He doesnât want to admit that heâs never been in such close proximity with a girl alone before, so he just clears his throat and remains quiet after doing so.Â
Curiously, you bring a hand up with a pointed finger and brush the tip of it over the mole on the side of his nose. He jolts back at the sudden touch, his cheeks flushing a warm pink. His eyes now watch you with gentle confusion. He touches the same spot you did with a trembling hand.Â
âYou have a constellation on your face. So many moles⊠Do you have a girlfriend?âÂ
His face burns a little more, both from the observation and the question. He shakes his head, sitting himself further into the couch and further away from you. He canât quite understand the situation. Are you messing with him? You seem too serious for such. Maybe youâre just weird like he initially thought. Either way he can feel his faith slipping; he is cupping holy water in hands during an earthquake.Â
âDid I do somethinâ wrong? Am I not pretty?â You pout to be playful with him, acting as if his actions are offending you. He takes it literally though.Â
âNo!â his hands rest on his knees and he holds them hard, trying to find stability despite sitting down. âY-you are⊠pretty,â his words grow quieter, like heâs sharing a secret. âI just donât know you or why you want to talk to me.âÂ
âHm.â You lean your head back against the couch. With your eyes still on his face, you speak just as quietly, âIâm still trying to figure that out too.â After some beats of muted air you speak up again, but with more presence, âYou came to work here. Why?âÂ
âA man was handing out flyer ads at the church. I wanted a summer job.âÂ
Is he always this direct and boring? And church, of fucking course. You roll your eyes, pushing yourself off the back cushion and even closer to the man. Your knees touch the side of his body and his thigh. He looks like heâs trying to control his breathing, to feign lack of disturbance, but his face says everything you need to know.Â
You place a hand on his thigh and his whole body stiffens at the action. Your smirk to yourself. Itâs only resting there on the top of his jeans. âYou act like a girl has never touched you before.â You give him a soft squeeze and he sucks in a sharp breath. âWell? Has a girl ever touched you?âÂ
He shakes his head quickly, âNo,â he breaks, feeling overwhelmed and wrong, âand I donât think you should be. Itâs against the churches values-â
âAt your age you still follow the rules?â Your hand slides lower and back up his thigh, itâs a slow and teasing motion. Thereâs enjoyment in how scared heâs becoming.Â
Sunghoon knows that this is only going to lead him down a path he swore to God not to take. And if his parents were to know that in his first year away from home in the summer since college was locked in a lodge with a promiscuous girl heâd have it handed to him. The thought of their wrath makes him shiver all the more.Â
âI just donât want to sin.â His eyes close and he bites down onto his lip again. He no longer cares if a stranger sees him as a loser or prude. His virtue is being tested in real time, and heâs feared facing this battle many times in the night because even in his dreams he loses.Â
âIâm only touching you. How is it a sin?â The tone of your voice changes, itâs soft like the hand that moves closer to in between his thighs. Your fingertips press into his clothed skin here and there, curiously feeling him up. You just try to get a reaction out of him. Thereâs a warm feeling in your stomach that you donât recognize; itâs faintly familiar.Â
âYour hand isnât supposed to be⊠there.â He makes a strained sound, something like a low whine, as your hand ghosts over his cock.Â
You look down to your movements for the first time and realize heâs sporting a half chub. You snicker quietly, cupping him in your palm. âThen why are you getting hard, Sunghoon? Do you like the way Iâm touching you? I bet youâve thought about doing this before too.âÂ
He makes another noise, a whimper. He canât bring himself to open his eyes and accept whatâs happening. He also canât find it in himself to stop you, or get up and leave. This wasnât just a struggle with evilâs temptation but his own biological nature. Something yet to be explored, something thatâs been scratching at his ribcage for years to be fed.Â
Thereâs too much he canât admit in this moment. Starting with how he enjoys the sound of your voice, the slight accent and dialect difference he picks up. How the way his name leaves your lips makes him want to crumble like a burning church. And how he silently likes the fact he canât control the way his body is reacting to your hands on him.Â
Itâs all wrong, wrong, wrong. And he is weak.
âAnswer me, Sunghoon.â Your hand presses down on him, feeling the growing hardness under your palm. You give him a small squeeze, massaging over the bulge. To your surprise he feels big. Your eyebrows quirk at this and then you look back to his face. A single tear runs down his face and you find satisfaction in it. âLying is a sin too,â you remind him.Â
âIâm sorry,â he whispers, his hands fist the couch cushions at his sides. He grips the material so tight that his knuckles turn pink through the pale of his skin. His chest rises and falls through slow and deep breaths.Â
âYou shouldnât feel sorry for something that makes you feel good.â You palm over him a few more times, drawing out little moans and whimpers from him. Heâs struggling to sit still. You can even feel him try not to push his hips back up into you; if only he would admit that he wants it. Heâs practically pulsing beneath you, like thereâs never been such a rush of blood to his cock in his life. You sigh dramatically and pull your hand away from him, sitting back to give him space. âThatâs too bad. A good dog will always be loyal, huh?â
His eyes shoot open when he feels your hand is gone. He looks at you desperately with wet eyes, a small pout to his lips. You make him feel sick for wanting to ask why you stopped, or if he did something bad for you to take away his short-lived pleasure.Â
You smirk at his expression, so pitifully beautiful with want. âHave you ever touched yourself?â you ask, placing your hand over his that hasnât let go of the couch. It takes you back when he flips his hand around to hold onto yours, clingy and wretched. His thumb brushes over your knuckles. Repulsed, you react quickly and take your hand away from him at his impulsive intimacy. It makes him frown with a meek whimper.Â
He shakes his head slowly, looking down to his lap. âI canât.â He knows heâs not allowed to. His father was adamant through his puberty that he mustnât succumb to his bodyâs natural taste for sin. He was told that sometimes the devil had a funny way of sneaking into a manâs mind. That Satan would haunt boys in their sleep to wake them up with guilt of uncontrollable lust to be like him.Â
âBut you like when I do it, right?â You rest your head on his shoulder and look up at him. His eyes look from your face to the thin opening of your overalls where your chest can be seen from the angle. He bites down hard and nods slowly. You coo, moving your hand back to his still hard, clothed cock. âI can make it go away if you want. You want that?âÂ
Heâs battling all the repressed things heâs been too afraid to explore; fearful of the swing of his parents belt he felt once long ago after being caught in a misunderstanding. In spite of it, he nods again. âIt hurts.. Please, help me.â His voice is so quiet. Even he doesnât want to hear his own pathetic begging.Â
Your fingers find the zipper of his jeans then you tug it down slowly as you stare at him. âYou have to pull them down for me, okay? I canât help you with just this.â
Sunghoon freezes for a second knowing he has control over being the one to take out his own cock. Yet apprehension leaves in a breath. Then heâs pulling the clothing down to his knees with frantic haste. You didnât expect him to take everything off so fast but thereâs a sense of pride in how eager youâve made him become in such a short time.Â
You werenât sure what to expect, but it certainly wasnât this. His cock is as beautiful as him. Pale and raging pink, crying at the tip much like his eyes. Heâs also big, bigger than you knew dicks could be. You thought theyâd be ugly, gross and worm-like. But his is clean and pretty. Itâs your first time seeing one in person; you wouldnât let him know that.Â
You take him bare in your hands, feeling him like a foreign object. More curious of his body than in his pleasure in the moment. His body tenses then relaxes against the couch. A shaky, breathy moan leaves his lips. His eyes flutter at the contact of skin.Â
You squeeze him, making his moan weakly again. Itâs heavy in your hand. Truly just a stick of warm flesh. A part of you wants to squeeze him as hard as you can just to see if it can break, but you withhold on hurting him for now. Not wanting to scare him too much in hopes of exploring him further through the summer.Â
Your hand wraps around the length as much as it can, pads of fingertips brushing over every vein and curve as you slowly move your hand up and down. When your thumb circles around his tip and flicks the leaking hole, his body lurches forward with a loud cry of a moan from him. You wonder if heâll cum in the next few seconds of simply touching him.Â
âI think youâre a slut for a little pleasure, Sunghoon.â You use your palm to gather his precum, circling over the tip to smear the thick cream around. Then you drag it back down himself, wetting his cock in his own prerelease. It slides easier now, your hand. You move faster, jerking him off in lazy, inexperienced motions. Not that he would know anyways. âYou gave into lust so easily, didnât you? Mustâve wanted this for so long. Your bodyâs nasty, eager for it.â
In his ears, you make the nasty words sound delicious. And he wants to devour more and more, like the starved man he is. His hips snap up into your hard, sudden and rough. You wrap your free arm over his shoulders, a hand sneaking up into his hair to tug aggressively on the thick dark locks. Youâre pulling his head back, forcing him to look at you. âDonât be a whore. Iâm helping you. I didnât say fuck my hand.âÂ
âAhsh- Iâm sorry, Iâm sorryâŠâ he whines, tears burning his eyes, âit, it f-feels good. I feel so good.â His head falls to lean against yours, face burying into your hair. His head makes little shakes as he begins to cry, telling himself no, no.Â
âShut up...â You donât like how close he is to you. You only like doing so to tease him, but when he does it, it makes you feel a fiery anger in your chest and belly. Uncomfortable. Smothering.
Your hand works in sloppy motions. Pumping his pulsing cock to reach his orgasm. At the tip your wrist makes flicks with your thumb, working him up further and further.Â
He stutters out incoherent apologies into your hair throughout his sobs of wanton, whimpering moans. Everything about his body is sensitive to the new sensations. He canât help but move his hips up into your hand, humping the small fist thatâs fucking down onto him.Â
Confused by the warm, tight feeling flexing of his abdomen he whines against you, âI canât- I canât take it. My body feels weird now. Mmph, âm sorry. I donât know whatâs h-happening.â His body feels volcanic, ready to burst.Â
You continue your movements, jerking his reflexing length until heâs cumming into your hand. Itâs a heavy load of thick, creamy mess. His voice is too close to your ear as he moans a drawn out needy sound. Your face remains plain while you pump him until heâs milked dry. His body flinches and curls into yours through the aftershocks, clearly overstimulated and over-sensitive. His arms snake around your waist to pull you against him. Â
You stare down at your hand that was earlier covered in the blood of a lamb and now the cum of a virgin. It looks like fucking snot, you realize with repulse. Without thinking you bring your hand up and lick the strange release. Your face scowls at the unknown taste so you just wipe the rest on your overalls. âYou are disgusting,â you mutter.Â
Sunghoon remains silent aside from his sniffles, eyes peeking through his bangs to watch what youâre doing. He still hasnât stopped clinging to your side, as if you could save him from his first lustful sin.Â
You push yourself up and off the couch, his body slightly falls to the side where he was leaning on you but he catches himself. He watches you with sad, scared eyes. You stare blankly in return then look out the window to see the group of men walking around the picnic table they ate at earlier.Â
âFarmhands will be leaving soon. Clean yourself up in the bathroom.â You donât spare him another look, you just walk to the front door, unlock it, and leave. You ignore the way he looked like a sad abandoned puppy. Something about it angered you in the same way he was being clingy.Â
You walk back to your house with a slight skip to your steps. As you step through your front door, youâre about to head upstairs to your room but stop in your tracks because your mother speaks.
âHate him all ya want,â your mothers words slur, she speaks slowly and tired-like, âbut he was a good man. He used to love me⊠And then you came along.â You turn to the living room on your left where your mother lays on the couch, wine glass in hand and eyes heavy lidded. âI know what yer capable of. Iâve seen the things ya do on this farm, in this home.. When ya think no one is watching.. He just might be right about you.â You glare at her now. âThere is something evil in ya, child. Leave that boy outta yer wickedness.âÂ
Her wine glass falls to the floor from her fingers and she groans, turning to her side. You stare at her for a moment before walking up to your room.Â
Meanwhile Sunghoon spends his next 20 minutes in a spiral of guilt and shame. He cleans himself up in the restroom like you told him to. Then waits, watching outside the window for when the boys are gathered around the truck they drove in from the bus stop to leave in. It was hard for him to get the tears to end. He fell right into sinâs lustful trap and it made him feel so- No, it only made him feel hurt. Stupid. Bad.Â
On his bus ride back into the city he prays. Sitting in back, alone with his indignity, and head bowed low so no one could see his red rimmed, glossy eyes. Time goes by so fast that he nearly misses his stop to get off.Â
He ignores his roommate when heâs home. Jake, excited and curious of Sunghoonâs first day, is left cold. Sunghoon showers for longer than usual. He scrubs so harshly at his skin he turns red; unable to feel clean no matter how much he washes. He doesnât eat dinner because he feels he doesnât deserve to. He gets into bed earlier than most days too. He tries to sleep but the day haunts him, keeping him awake.Â
Heâs up all night in tears, face in his pillow with the blanket thrown over his head, trying to hide from He who watches. The begs of forgiveness seem endless.Â
âDear God,â he whimpers, âForgive me, Father, for I have sinned.â He doesnât sleep much that night because he canât find it in himself to stop humping into his mattress in hopes to chase and achieve the feeling you gave him earlier. His hips rock his aching hard cock into the bed, anguished yet titillated. âPlease, forgive me. Forgive me. Iâm so sorry.â He continues to cry, drowning in his pillow, knowing he will do it again.Â
ăThe next day on the farm is an early morning for everyone. Sunghoon sits quietly in the truck with the other summer volunteer farmharms. They talk amongst each other about the dayâs schedule of duties and tasks. He struggles to keep his eyes open, head leaning against the window despite its bumps from the uneven dirt road. He thought about calling it quits on the whole job after yesterday, but couldnât bring himself to. Itâs for selfish reasons too. The ones that deepen his guilt.Â
The arrival to the farm is quicker than anticipated. Sunghoon forces himself to be more alert and awake, starting to pick up on the conversations between the others as he exits the parked truck.Â
âDo you think itâs still hanging there?â One says. âThe lamb of slaughter?â Another dumbly asks with a snort. âWell yeah, dipshit. You guys think that girl did it? She was weird as hell.â A third voice chimes in, âBeing covered in blood and then leaving a dead animal hanging from a tree is creepy as fuck. The lady was right, stay the hell away from her.â He laughs. The others walk away in continuous chatter, leaving Sunghoon by the truck.Â
Sunghoon is confused by this conversation and deeply disturbed. He doesnât follow or press them with questions though. But it will give him much to think about for the day. Heâs so exhausted from the lack of sleep, he wonders if he even heard them all correctly at all. Yeah, your whole introduction was strange but killing an animal and acting like nothing happened and then toying with him on the same day? Was all that really something a girl like you would do? He canât say for sure because he doesnât know you.Â
He goes about his morning tasks lazily. His mind is too busy with the thoughts of you. He thinks of when or if heâll see you today. You havenât shown around the farm all day. Itâs only an hour before noon, he tries to rationalize with himself. He still ponders throughout his work. What time will you come? Will you mysteriously show up like yesterday? Will you touch him again? Will you let him feel good? Is he forgivable or going to burn in hell for wanting more?
He shakes his head to rid it of the thoughts. Perhaps heâs too hopeful. After lunch time he goes back to the farmers lodge to take a nap. At least thatâs the realistic excuse he used. He struggles to even fall asleep because heâs so anxious about listening for any sound of you possibly coming back here.Â
His eyes, sullen and tired, just canât stay open after half an hour of waiting. So eventually he does fall asleep. You never show up. When he wakes up from his long needed nap he somehow feels worse knowing you didnât visit than he did committing his first sin.Â
The following day of work is a repeat. He doesnât see you at all yet you occupy all of his thoughts. He thinks badly of himself for many reasons.Â
ăOn the fourth day, you finally decide itâs time to check up on the poor boy. You watched Sunghoon mope around the farm for two days and it was cute at first but youâre getting bored again. You did like how his eyes were always searching around, hopeful that every sound he heard from behind or around corners was you. Knowing you had such an effect on him made you wonder how much more you could do to him.Â
From the window of your room, you watch when they all arrive. Your mother greets them like she does in the mornings and gives them all tasks that need to be completed for the day. Itâs Thursday which means sheâll be out for a few hours to go into town and sort out business for products: cow and goat milk processing for cheeses and soaps. At least you assume considering you overheard her phone call about such the day prior.Â
You spend the morning around the house, reading and snacking on fruits, waiting for your mother to leave so you can proceed with your plan. There was some effort into your appearance today. You wear a spaghetti strapped white babydoll dress, lined at the bottom with sewn embroideries. Itâs simple and flows nicely above your knees when you walk. You hate it because it alludes to soft purity but at least it feels good to dress light in the summer heat. And it might make you all the more approachable to feeble Sunghoon.Â
After about an hour, your mother finally leaves. You give it about 10 minutes before youâre shoving on your boots and leaving the house. Some of the blood from earlier in the week still stains the brown leather; you did clean them off but clearly not to the best extent. Youâre okay with that though, it seems prettier this way to you.Â
Looking and walking around the property, you see the scattered farmhands busy with different things. The sun isnât kind today, itâs piercing in brightness and temperature. The sweat begins to seep from your pores in a matter of minutes, making you feel sticky. You run a hand through your tangled hair, fingers getting caught in unbrushed knots that you yank through anyways. You donât see Sunghoon anywhere thatâs directly under the sun. You continue to search around the farm, gaining a few cautious looks from the other workers. As you walk past their gazes you wear a wry smile with a tilt to your head. They look away quickly after being caught staring.Â
Some wandering in and out of the different barns and coops are done. He wasnât in any of them though. You greet the animals you pass by and give pats to some of the cows. âHave you guys seen him nearby? Iâm not a fan of hide and seek.â You mumble to one of the goats, scratching lightly beneath its chin while it chews away at grains and hay. It maas in return. You pull your hand back out from the stable then leave to continue the manhunt.Â
Itâs when youâre walking by the horsesâ stables that you see theyâve already been cared for, telling you that someone was here already. You glance to the smaller shed nearby, having a suspicious inkling that it's where Sunghoon is. You walk to the shed and see yourself inside. And he is. He has his back turned to you, standing at a work bench table and cleaning something off.Â
You walk up behind him, the sound of your footsteps being dulled by the scattered hay on the wooden floors; he doesnât notice that you entered the space, clearly lost in his own thoughts. You tap his shoulder which makes him spin around in surprise, dropping the brushes he was cleaning.Â
Sunghoonâs eyes are wide at the sight of you standing so close to him. You can tell heâs lost sleep by the dark circles around his eyes and how his complexion is impossibly paler. His mouth is stuttering to find words, opening and closing.Â
You step closer to him and he steps back, his backside now pressing against the table. It wobbles on the uneven wooden stilts that hold it up. Reflexively, his hands reach back to hold onto the table, but heâs using it for his own stability. You simply stand there in between his legs, staring up at his face and taking in all the details that differ from the last time you saw him. He swallows, quietly watching your face in return.Â
âI havenât seen you around.â Sunghoon speaks first, his voice a soft surrender. You feel his breath on your face.Â
âI know. I saw you though. You missed me.â You state bluntly, taking note of the little fangs he has for teeth. He probably bites good, you think, licking the back of your own teeth.Â
âIf you saw me then why didnât youâŠâ he trails off into a quiet again, closing his eyes for a moment with a sigh. âI wouldnât call it that.â His eyes open again as he feels your hands on his chest, sliding up his white tank and underneath the sleeves of his denim jacket to his shoulders. He bites down, suddenly stiff.Â
Ignoring his response you continue, âHow can you wear this when itâs so warm out?â Your hands slide over his shoulders and down his toned arms, the jacket slips down to reveal the toned limbs. Your eyebrows raise at the sight yet your face remains relatively blank. âYouâve got muscle. Good for farm work.â Small hands continue to run over the smooth milk-like skin, learning every curve of his lean built physique. Itâs not sexual, just exploratory.Â
Sunghoon sucks in a breath, watching you inspect him. He begins to feel flustered, relishing in the contact of skin on his. You notice his tense body and ask him if itâs okay, to which replies a raspy stutter, âY-yeah.â Your hands slide down his arms and back up to his shoulders. Then down his chest and body to stop at the waistline of his jeans. He has a nice body; he must be athletic. You donât care to ask in what ways. Your fingers dip into his jeans just slightly to pull him in closer to you, he gasps, his growing cock pressing against your stomach.Â
âSunghoon,â You ridicule him, tsking under your breath at the pressure you feel of his arousal. âAlready?â You look up at him but he canât meet your eyes, feeling embarrassed. You play with the waistline, your fingertips running back and forth between the denim and his skin. âIs this sinning?â Itâs a soft question yet mocking. He only shakes his head, nervously gnawing at his bottom lip. âDo you want to?â He whimpers, slowly nodding his head. You take your hands off him, crossing your arms. âYou have to tell me. Look at me and tell me.âÂ
He looks back at you dispirited. He knows that you know what he wants. And here you are making him admit it outloud, both to you and God. âPlease.â He begs quietly, hoping it only reaches your ears and not the skyâs. âI want you.âÂ
Thereâs that feeling again. The lit match that falls from your throat to the gasoline of your stomach that erupts in flames. Fire to your abdomen and loins; itâs an angry feeling, sparked by his honest admit of want, and for you specifically. You watch him with narrowed eyes while mumbling, âyou revolt me.âÂ
He doesnât reply to your venomous insult. It stings to hear the degrading words in both his heart and pants; he thinks himself disgraceful too.Â
You drop to your knees, hands finding place back on his jeans to undo his zipper. He stares down at you in bated breath, hands still gripping tight on the table behind him. His are pulled down slowly, purposely so. You watch him writher, body and face. âDid you do it again?â you question, looking up at him from below. He would never avow to how the sight of you on your knees alone makes him ache all the more.Â
He wants to tear his eyes away from you but he canât. The image of you in your white dress on the ground before him needs to be burned into his memory. He stutters a mumble of words but you donât catch anything, if he even said a coherent response at all. You ask again, pinching his thigh. He tries to hum over the strained noise in the back of his throat, âYes.. I mean no! B-but I didnât touch myself.â
You try not to giggle, biting the inside of your cheek. Knowing he wanted to feel that way again but couldnât on his own gave you a funny sense of power over him. One of your hands traces the outline of his hard cock through his boxer briefs. âYou make a mess?â He shivers at the feeling of your breath on his suffocating length. He breathes out a ânoâ while you lick a strip over the material. âWhy not? I showed you how.â
He moans softly, trying not to let his hips chase after the feeling that heâs been after for days. âYou know I canât,â he exhales. You roll your eyes, mouthing and licking at him languidly. Your hands are still half tugging at the material that keeps him hidden. A faint pool of precum quickly stains his boxers.Â
âSunghoon,â you look up at him with your chin resting on the bulge. He swallows hard, acknowledging you with a hum. âYou will never be free from it. The sin I let you taste will forever linger on the tip of your tongue, begging and licking to taste more in crave. No holy blessed water can possibly cleanse you even if you drown in it.âÂ
His bottom lip pouts out with a little droning whine. He should defend himself, say that his faith is stronger than he is and that his soul is saveable by mercy. But a part of him also feels that doesnât want to be. His eyes begin to well with tears.Â
âNot even a god could make you pure again,â you give him a small smile and pat his naked thigh before pulling down his underwear. His cock now free slaps his stomach to which he breathes out heavily. You grab him with both hands, giving him one last look before taking the leaking head into your mouth. Hands working on him steadily.Â
âT-thatâs dirty!â he leans forward with a low sounding moan, his hands on your head and in your hair. Your eyes go wide at this. âWhy would you put that in your mouth?!â he gasps, the warm wetness around his tip making him dizzy. âThis is so vulgar, oh God, forgive me.â he cries, not pulling your mouth off of him but holding you there.Â
You circle your tongue around the tip and over his leaking slit, licking the beads of precum that leak out. It makes your grimace before you lean back, a wet pop as your mouth leaves. âEnough of your penitence, and take your hands off me.â It sounds like a warning to which he complies without question, only a hushed apology. Heâs the one who wants to be touched anyways, not you.Â
You take him into your mouth again, your lips wrap around him in a painful stretch to accommodate his size. He sits heavy on your tongue that lays flat underneath, doing what you can with it. Your hands at the base work around him, jerking and squeezing him like you did before. You werenât really sure what you were doing, mainly just mocking the actions you read about in books. It seems to be working for Sunghoon regardless because he can barely hold himself together. Whining and whimpering through fat tears, whole body shuddering from the overwhelming wet heat of your mouth.Â
His jaw goes slack, mouth hung open only to elicit a breathless moan. His head rolls back on his neck and his eyes flutter to a close. The feeling of your mouth wrapping around him is hot heaven. His body trembles with the new, sweeping sensation. Stomach already tight with contracting muscles. He thinks he could pass out.Â
Watching his face, him, discover and feel pleasurable sin is slightly euphoric to you. Youâve seen it in movies and read of it in books, but it was something you never quite fully explored yourself. Thereâs been a few instances that you did touch yourself; it always felt empty or like something was always missing. Thereâs little to no excitement when doing it alone in shameful hiding. Witnessing, causing such debauchery is different somehow. Safer in ways you didnât dwell in thought on. You do wish he would stop crying about it, you find it pathetic of him in a provoked way.Â
Involuntarily, he thrusts himself down your throat with a guttural groan. You gag and cough around him, tears sting your eyes that make you squeeze them shutârefusing to let a single one dare to escape. Now it felt like a challenge. One to which you wouldnât back down in fear of looking weak.Â
Your hands hold his thighs roughly, bruisingly so if you had the strength. You move his body in a small back and forth motion, encouraging him to continue his movements. Youâre looking up at him with glazed over eyes and a slight nod. He chokes a sob at the sight, you on your knees not to pray but to devour him.
âAh, I- Iâm sorry. Your mouth is so wet, so warm.â He starts off with shallow thrusts, dragging his cock along your wet muscle. His hips stutter while his world seems to be crashing down. âThis is so dirty. You look so dirty. Andânghâitâs.. itâs so good. Itâs so good,â he babbles, pushing himself as far down into your mouth as he can. His tip kisses the back of your throat making you gag around him. Your nails digging into the flesh of his strong legs. He canât stop moaning and whimpering, becoming a slave to pleasure.Â
He watches your face. Hollowed cheeks sucking and swallowing around him, the tightness of your throat around him hugging and contracting through chokes that reverberate your body to his cock. The spit that leaks from your lips and all over him is obscene, such a sinful mess. He so badly wants to grab your head and force himself down further, but his nails dig into the wood of the table instead.Â
âHm, I canâtââ he moans your name, thrusting rougher now. His whole body crumbling in on itself, chasing the feeling of release.Â
Then thereâs the sound of footsteps and a few voices that follow. Sunghoon sucks in a deep breath, taking a fist to his mouth to bite down onto. He looks at you in fear because of the proximity of the other farmhands right outside. This only makes you smirk around him, a glint of evil in your eyes. He shakes his head hurriedly, stopping his movementsâas if that would make you both disappear.Â
You push yourself off his cock, licking over your cracked and saliva covered lips. You bring a finger to your lips and shush him. âBe quiet or theyâll find out what a nasty whore you are. Unless you want that.â Your voice is quiet and raspy from the abuse of him fucking himself down your throat. You stare into his eyes intently before taking him back in. He glances from you to the door of the shed, his body shaking.Â
You slurp and suck him up, purposely loud and sloppy. A hand jerking off the base that doesnât quite fit in your mouth. He cries quietly with his mouth open, meek and desperate sounds escape that he canât withhold. âPleaseâŠâ Heâs whimpering, begging for something that he doesnât know the context of.Â
âDo you think the extra feed is in this one?â A voice questions, the door being opened just a crack.Â
Sunghoon quickly tries to bend down for his jeans but you slap his hand away, pushing him back into the table. You grip his thighs and force yourself to take all of him down. You gag around him, eyes never leaving his panicky and fucked out face. His face silently begs for you that enough is enough but you donât stop, because a part of you knows he doesnât want you to either.Â
âIt doesnât hurt to check, does it?â The other replies with a light chuckle. âCould take a break for some shade too while weâre at it.â The door opens slowly with an agonizing creak, sunlight barely pouring.Â
Each passing second feels like an eternity to him. The door is still only cracked, not enough for them to see inside but itâs cutting it close. His cock twitches at the thought of being caught with his dick down the throat of the farmerâs daughter. A blazing adrenaline rushes through him.Â
Sunghoon canât bear it any longer. His hands find purchase on the back of your head, pushing himself completely into your mouth. His hips stutter with a whimper on his lips as the hot cum pours down your throat. âAh, sh- ngh!â You smack at his legs for him to release the hold, choking for air to breathe. You instinctively swallow around him, consuming his load of sin. Â
âYou dumbass! The horses are already fed, letâs just go for a water break.â The door slams back on itself to a close. Their footsteps can be heard walking away.Â
Sunghoon breathes heavily, letting go of you. His body instantly relaxing back with his elbows on the table to support him. Meanwhile you fall onto your ass, a hand around your throat while you gasp for air through rough coughs. âWhat the fuck did I say about putting your hands on me?â You rasp before coughing again. The taste of him sits on the back of your tongue no matter how much you swallow.Â
âIâm sorry,â he whispers, âwe shouldnât get caught.â He pulls his pants and boxers back up then extends a hand to you, an offering to help you stand back up.Â
You scoff, ignoring his hand and stand up on your own. You brush the dirt and stray strands of hay from your knees. âWhatever. We both got what we wanted.â You start to turn for the door to leave the shed with the thought of brushing your teeth in mind.Â
Sunghoon, confused as to what you couldâve gotten out of helping him, just reaches for your hand. He grabs you and pulls you back to look at him. His eyes are sad, maybe even a little afraid by your haste to leave. âY-youâre just going to leave me again?â He sounds broken by the fact.Â
âWhat?â You canât help but breathe a laugh, âDid you expect me to do more?â You ask with raised brows.Â
âNo! No, not like that.. But..â He swallows his pride, âI- I donât know. Just donât leave yet. Please.âÂ
You blink at him, scanning his features like a robot in calculation. The pleading of his expression and his words aggravate you. A fiery burning to your insides and the skin that he touches, that he reached for. You look down to his tight grip on your hand before yanking it away. You donât say anything more, and neither does he. He wipes his eyes from whatever salty wetness is still there.Â
A moment of silence solidifies your decision. You beckon him to follow you out and he does.Â
For the rest of his work day you remain. You try not to think about why. But subconsciously you know itâs because for the first time someone willingly wants to be by your side. At first you imagine itâs because of what youâve done for himâgave him what any man desires: pleasure. A man falling into temptation is far too easy.Â
Though he doesnât ask for more and he doesnât bring it up. Almost like it never happened.Â
It seems like he really just wants to be around you. Thereâs little said between each other. Itâs just idle farm work with company. And itâs more peaceful than you expected it to be. He didnât touch you, question you, or do much at all to bother you in general.Â
Sometimes he stares at you, but you do the same to him. He even gives a sheepish smile when he catches you; it doesnât get returned. That doesnât bother him though. He thinks you look beautiful on the farm in your dress with dirt covered hands and hair messy from the wind. He hopes to tell you that one day but for now he stays shy, still weary and afraid.Â
The sun shines relentlessly unless a cloud mercifully passes by. The breeze is rare yet kind. The animals make their sounds to sing a collective song. The trees and crops sway like waving hands of hellos and goodbyes, depending on where youâre headed to or from. Itâs not so bad.Â
ăTwo weeks go by. Time flies by for both you and Sunghoon. He comes to work during the week, and he spends his weekends missing you. He doesnât know what you two are to each other, and heâs too scared to ask. Thereâs definitely been changes to the dynamic, however. Subtly so. You still donât smile, or let him touch you. You roll your eyes and insult him if heâs too emotional. But youâre there.Â
Certainly not everyday, but most, you spend his work days with him. Itâs easier to be around one another. There can be small talk, usually about the farm or the weather. Still much to be learned about on a personal level, but heâs fine with the pace of the relationship (outside of the unholy acts that are committed). Sometimes you even end up helping him. Or at least he thinks of it that way. In reality you donât like how he does things and take over to do it yourself.Â
You still tease him in your cruel ways. Always ending with him in a mess because heâs easily worked up by your handsy curiosity. He caves into you every time because he canât fight the divinity that you show him.Â
There are other times where you confuse him. You suggest a water break knowing heâd gone hours without hydration under the summer heat. You insist on having him take a break under a roof away from the sun when his skin gets too sweaty or red. Which is followed by a reminder that sunscreen is important if he wishes to keep his milky complexion. Itâs critical statements that you provide him, but he canât help to think itâs a weird way of showing you care.Â
Sure, it could be seen as you selfishly saying these things because itâs what you want for yourself, but in the back of his mind heâs very aware of how you watch and cater to him. It makes his heart jump every time and butterflies swarm his stomach. He canât help it. The little things, the small acts of kindnessâthat you might not even intendâmake him delusionally overthink.Â
On the third weekend since starting his summer job, Jake canât help all the questions heâs been building up and dying to ask. Jake doesnât understand what Sunghoon has been going through, especially when his moods change so drastically. At first, Sunghoon was self isolating and pouty, clearly in his own head and sulking. But then he would come home from work beaming with an afterglow to his aura. And then on the weekends he was back to his reclusive, depressed state.Â
Sick of being left out of Sunghoonâs inner turmoil, Jake finally pesters his friend.Â
âWhen are you going to tell me whatâs going on?â Jake stands in the doorway of Sunghoonâs room, staring at his friend whoâs laying face down in his bed.Â
âI donât knowâŠâ Sunghoonâs words are muffled in his pillow.Â
Jake walks in with a sigh and sits at the end of the bed. He playfully slaps Sunghoonâs leg. âDude, just tell me. Youâre obviously going through something. You know I can keep a secret. I wonât judge.âÂ
Sunghoon rolls over on his back, his hands clasped together over his stomach as he stares up to the ceiling. He confides in Jake, telling his story from the beginning of when he first met you. He stutters over his words when he admits to the sinful acts he partook in with you. He tells Jake of his guilty conscience and how he enjoyed indulging in the feelings. Then he tells Jake about how he simply likes your company even without the sexual circumstances involved. How heâs mystified by your complex personality and only wishes to know you more. However, he does leave out the viciousness of your nature, since a part of him doesnât quite believe in it.Â
âIt seems like youâre starting to develop a crush.â Jake laughs lightly, âAnd if itâs about religion, donât overthink it too much. Nobody dies completely pure.â He reassures him. âYou should show her more of you. That you like her too.âÂ
Sunghoon groans and covers his face at the terrifying suggestion. If only you were that easy to approach in such a vulnerable way. âI guess⊠Iâll consider it.âÂ
The next day is Sunday. Jake and Sunghoon attend church as normal. Sunghoon participates less in his prayers and songs than usual. His mind is too preoccupied with all he has going on in life. He feels guilt and frustration.Â
Sunghoon, lost in his own world, fails to realize that his best friendâJakeâbattles something similar internally.Â
Youâre never as alone as you think you are if you take a better look around. Everyone is riddled with their own self disgust, guilt, or shame. How else would the churches be so full?Â
ăEntering the fourth week of summer should feel easier than it does for Sunghoon. The work seems to be picking up regarding responsibilities. The weather is only becoming less forgivable. The peak is yet to hit, but that only means the seasonal storms are right around the corner. More care is needed in the fields and barns in terms of protection in case of unpredictable weather.Â
Aside from the work, Sunghoon is anxious because of you. He hasnât seen you yet today and he feels nervous about it. Perhaps he has grown too clingy, finding close comfort in knowing youâre there with him on the farm. Thereâs a sense of safety when youâre in the line of sight; you make things easier for him and he enjoys the presence.Â
While heâs watering plants and checking the sprinklings through the fields, an older man approaches him. Itâs a familiar face that heâs seen around a few times over the past month. The man waves with a smile and Sunghoon does the same.Â
âItâs amazing what youâve done, boy.â The man begins, Sunghoon questions where heâs going with the start because heâs just an extra hand of help and doesnât feel heâs accomplished or improved the farm in drastic ways. âIâve worked here, hm, well Iâll be damned! Nearly 15 years! And Iâve never once seen that farm girl talk to anyone. Much less spend time.â the man chuckles.Â
âOh!â Sunghoon blushes and hopes itâs only mistaken as feverish from the summer. He smiles small and stares down to the bundle of plants he brought with him to the farm today. He feels special knowing this much of you. âSheâs somethingâŠâÂ
âSometimes Iâd see her talk to herself and the animals.â The man pulls out a cigarette and lighter to smoke. âSheâd walk around aimlessly like a ghost. Used to scare the hell outta me.â As he laughs, smoke escapes his lungs. He wheezes a little before continuing, âBut now she follows and watches you like sheâs worshipinâ. If only she did the same with her daddy. Although with a face like yours, I canât blame the girl.âÂ
âPardon? What do you mean by that?â Sunghoon, bemused, watches the man smoke and laugh between weak coughs. âShe has a dad?â His last question is overroad by the man who speaks over him.Â
âYou keep up your work, kid. I outta get back to mines too.â And then heâs walking away with a low chuckle, shaking his head to himself.Â
Sunghoonâs aware of your mother. He always thought it was just the two of you running things. Heâs never once seen a man, your father, leave the house or so much so be around it. This gives him more to think about, especially on the fact that he still doesn't know much about you at all. Youâre still an enigma to him, but he wants everything.Â
By the afternoon when all the guys are finishing up their break, you finally come out of the house. With the sound of the front door opening, Sunghoon is quick to straighten his posture and find your eyes. Youâre already looking at him, watching him and his surroundings with no expression. His cheeks burn and he canât help the smile forming on his lips.Â
Two and a half days without seeing you feels like so much longer.Â
He stands up from the picnic table, grabbing his newspaper wrapped bundle of greenery and shyly hiding it behind his back. He walks over to you, tripping over his feet as he approaches the porch steps to the house. You stand there in front of the door but at the top of the few stairs, arms crossed and amused.Â
Heâs diffident, arms behind him and modestly attempting to hide how nervous he feels on the inside. His stomach is doing flips, his heart racing. On top of already sweating. He feels like he could throw up his lunch right in front of your feet. He swallows thickly before slowly bringing his hands out in front of himself.Â
âI,â he clears his throat, âehem, I got these for you.â With outstretched arms, the bundle of flowers shake in his trembling hands. He suddenly feels heâs too nervous to even meet your eyes, so he watches the chipped paint wood of the front porch steps.Â
You just stand there, watching him with wide eyes and your heart in your throat. Your mouth is lost for words, glancing around at the few farmhands who havenât left yet and are staring at Sunghoonâs exchange in a similar bewilderment. Some are trying to keep themselves from bursting out into laughter.
âAre you some kind of stupid?â You whisper harshly for only him to hear, snatching the flowers out of his hands. âWhy the hell would you do this?â Your words like your tone are mean, but in your chest thereâs a raging pounding. Itâs a seething raw emotion that doesnât know how to be dealt with. Youâve only just stepped out of the house and your body feels like itâs inside a furnace.Â
Sunghoonâs head shoots back up to look at you, his face and heart drop. âI-Iâve never had a girlfriend before so I wasnât sure what to do.. This is what boyfriends do, right?â He takes a hand to scratch at the back of his head. Inner turmoil takes over and he thinks heâs fucked up. He bites at his lip, doing his best not to instantly cry in regret.Â
You notice this and sigh, irritated. You look from the neatly wrapped white roses and tulips and back to Sunghoon. âSo you are stupid,â you mumble before taking your own bottom lip between your teeth. A part of you wants to sneer, but you spin on your heels to hide the warmth that floods your face in substitution. âIâm throwing them away,â you announce, opening the door and walking back inside your house.Â
Sunghoon, broken, just drops his head and turns back. A few of the farmhands are snickering from not too far away, chattering among each other and eyeing Sunghoon. He wishes God would smite him on the spot from the humiliation.Â
Wanting to avoid everything for a little while, he thinks of heading to the lodge to lay down in hiding. But before he can walk away, the front door of your house swings open once more. He glances back at you, meeting your eyes like he always seems to do.Â
âDone for the day already?â You call over to him, now leaning over the banister of the porch with crossed arms.Â
Sunghoon, unable to refute you, offers a weak smile and shakes his head. âNo.âÂ
He walks back over to you and you meet him halfway. You donât say anything else. You donât bring up the fact that he had bought you flowers or confused the odd relationship you share for dating. Itâs cute in all its blind innocence, but that just goes to show you that you have more work to do with him.Â
You donât think of messing with him today. Heâs distinctly grown too clingy with how much time youâve spent with him. Yet you canât ignore him either. The two of you carry out the rest of the dayâs farm work in silence. The inner fury you feel with him doesnât seem to go away, despite how he hasnât said much or even brushed skin with you.Â
You donât know how youâre remaining pacific by his side. The rampaging of your heart strings tug like a screaming instrument just from being next to him. How he can keep walking tall, stare at you when he thinks you arenât looking, or even smile at you is beyond what you know is capable of humans. Men like him only existed in books and movies. You wonder if heâs perhaps playing a game like you.
By the time heâs in the truck to go back to town to catch a bus into the city, youâre sitting at the lake dock. Criss crossed legs, a bouncing knee, and fingernails being ripped at by your teeth. You stare blankly at the water, hoping for that sense of serenity to encapsulate you. It never seems to come. It just feels cold.
So you decide on punishing him for making you feel this way.Â
You donât leave your house for the next three days. You donât make yourself known, heard or seen. However, youâre peeking out every window of your house to get any chance of a view of him. You hate yourself for being so curious of him in the first place. What was supposed to be good fun has only left you feeling angry. Taking his innocence was never going to heal you, or even make him like yourself. In fact, itâs making you sicker.
And on the night of the fourth Thursday, youâre laying in bed staring at your ceiling. A stuffed animal is hugged tightly to your chest. You canât sleep and you canât stop thinking about someone for the first time in your life. No amount of tossing and turning, counting sheep, or button presses to your distorted singing, stuffed bear made it easier.Â
Somehow, you ended up punishing yourself. You always had a knack for that, historically, but this time felt different. It actually kind of hurt. Being alone came naturally to you, but tonight it hits you just how lonely youâve always been.Â
ăFriday, the farmhands are huddled on the front porch of your house. All the animals are safely away in their designated homes thanks to their help. It started to storm in a heavy downpour only minutes ago. What started out as a dark gray gloom and windy rain quickly turned into an early flooded property, illuminated by strikes of flashing lightning and roaring thunder.Â
You stand dry under the protection of the porch roof by the front door. Watching and listening to your mother suggest the shaking cold, soaked men take shelter in the lodge until the sky lets up so they can head home.Â
Sunghoon hasnât spared a look to you all day, but you know that he feels his eyes on you. Itâs in the way he shifts awkwardly amongst the men that ignore him. How his eyes are trained low and unfocused yet always trying to move in your direction. His wet hair falls over his face, concealing his emotions you wish to dissect. He comes off as stoic but you know he wears his heart on his sleeve; how his body language speaks volumes.Â
Your mother pushes past you to get back inside, saying sheâll check the basement for a spare heater that the boys could use at the lodge. Thereâs something in you that makes you move without thinking. Suddenly a hand is tugging at the bottom of Sunghoonâs damp jacket for his attention. The material is too thin for this weather and the thought of him becoming sick crosses your mind.Â
âItâs warmer here,â your words, for once, came out soft. Too much so, being lost in the cracking sound of thunder. He looks at you through his bangs. The wave of alleviation from whatever he was dealing with is palpable. His eyes and body almost look relaxed. You tug him towards you once more, insinuating that he follows you.Â
He does. Like whatever subconscious emotion made you approach him also made him follow you in. As he steps in, he notices the indistinguishable vibes of the farmerâs lodge. Itâs updated and cleaner, but similar in aesthetics. A shotgun sits leaning up against the wall by the front door. His brows furrow and eyes narrow. âThose arenât safe to have lying aroundâŠâ he mumbles.Â
You tug him towards the staircase to walk up, âItâs protection. Only my mother and I are here,â is mumbled back as you lead him up the wooden, creaking stairs. Your feet move light and quick, like a mouse in a home not theirs. If your mother saw you, there would be unnecessary consequences. And the possibility of your fatherâs involvement would only worsen such.Â
Sunghoon cautiously steps into your bedroom, his body tenses at the sound of you shutting and locking the door. He feels on edge, wrapping his arms around his shivering body and soaked clothes. You move around him to sit on your bed, telling him to remove his sopping attire. He does so with shaking hands, leaving him in nothing but his underwear. He shyly looks around the room while using his hands to cover his manhoon.Â
His eyes scan over you, sitting quietly on your bed with a look of contemplation that stares past him. A wooden cross hangs on the wall above your bed, the dark wood matches the decadent bed frame. The nightstand nearby has a pile of books and journals with a low light lamp and unlit candle.Â
The large window has sheer white curtains drawn open and a vase on the windowsill. A glass vase filled with the flowers he gave you earlier in the week. His heart aches at the sight of the still healthy white roses and tulips, and a smile graces his lips. You liar! You kept them! Is what runs through his thoughts.Â
Without Sunghoon realizing, you got up to grab a towel and drape over the back of his shoulders. Heâs taken aback by your ghost-like actions, but offers you a small smile of appreciation. âThanksâŠâÂ
You nod for response and glance from him to the vase of flowers he was lost in thought over. You didnât have it in to explain yourself, mostly because you didnât understand why you had done so either.Â
He dries himself off and finds a place to sit at the end of your bed. Youâre on the other end with your back pressed to the headboard, watching him, counting every mole you can find on his pale canvas. The stuffed animal you sleep with is being mindlessly fumbled around in your hands.Â
Sunghoon turns to face you directly, he reaches a hand out, eyes shifting from your face and the winged bear. You shoot him a mean look at first, only holding it closer to yourself before your face softens to slowly extend it out to him.Â
He takes it with careful hands and looks down to inspect the old toy. Its cream colored fur is dirtied and matted with age. The holographic satin wings on the back have loose stitching and its halo is crooked. Across the chest of the bear reads âJesus Loves Meâ but itâs obvious the sewn name Jesus has been ripped away at. One paw has a red heart embroidered saying âpress meâ. His thumb brushes over the button heart before pressing down. The bear sings in a distorted happy voice the lullaby of Jesus loves me.Â
âHis name is Saint Michael,â you say quietly and he almost doesnât catch it. Sunghoon can only breathe a laugh because he finds the dichotomy cute. You almost laugh too, but bite your tongue and look back to your empty hands. You donât know it but he can see you try to fight your little smile. To him, this moment means more than anything; heâs starting to see youâre more tender than you realize. It brings him a sense of surety in knowing that he can break you like you to do him.Â
Silly as it may seem for a troubled girl, the bear was the only comfort you had throughout childhood. There was no kindness from your father, no solace from your mother, no guide in knowing life or love. But there was Saint Michael, the stuffed angel bear; he may not have defended you in battle but he hugged you back, and that was enough to cherish him like a deity.Â
Sunghoon crawls across the bed and sits himself next to you, too close for your liking, but you donât push him away. He hands the stuffie back to you and you place it on the nightstand to face away from you. You lower yourself in the bed, shuffling under the covers of the blanket and he does the same. His skin naked bare yearns for more warmth, yours specifically.Â
You feel him turn on his side next to you, pressing up against you despite there being enough space on the bed. His movements are awkward and nervous like he is. You feel a certain pressure against your thigh that isnât his bones or limbs. You spare him a glance, he doesnât know if itâs a warning or dare.Â
â...Have I ruined you?â You wonder aloud, looking back to the ceiling.Â
âNo,â he answers quickly, shaking his head against your shoulder. The way heâs missed you in his desire to touch you, hands tingling with want to snake around your waist and pull you in tight. âI think I just want you all the time now. I canât help it, mâsorry.â He sounds ashamed in his soft mumbles.Â
âIâll only keep stripping all that purity from you. Once itâs mine itâll remain mine, you know that right?â You look back at him before brushing some of his drying hair from his eyes. He tries to lean up into the touch but your hand is taken back. âAnd I will pretend itâs healing all thatâs missing from me. Do you really want to be mine, Sunghoon?â Your words are so gentle yet laced with threat.Â
âYes,â he exhales, âI want to be yours. Let me be yours please.â Itâs hushed, a secret prayer with hope. His hips push further into the skin of your leg, where the hip meets the thigh. He wouldnât mind going to Hell if it meant more time with you.Â
âYou beg like a needy barn animal in heat.â You use a hand to cup his face, he sighs into the hold as he eyes flutter to a close. You push your leg in between his, terribly close to his exposed and vibrating body. âSo hump me like one.âÂ
âW-what?â he stutters out before licking over his lips, his thighs squeezing around the plush of yours now trapped in his. His eyes already wet with desperate want, staring back at yours.
âDo it. Like itâs mating season and you want to claim me before anyone else.âÂ
A cracked voice whine falls from his lips and he begins to roll his growing bulge against you. You watch as he sucks in breaths between quiet breathy moans. His pink, plump lips pursing and falling open. His eyes try to stay on your face, how close you are to him, but they fall shut sometimes in his basking of rapture. Itâs a slutty sight of a faith-sickened boy.Â
He loves the little to no proximity that there is. His hands find place on your waist, and heâs aware of how that makes you feel, but he canât stop it. He wants more and more of you. His hands slide up under your shirt, the feeling on your bare skin in his hands makes his body shudder. Untouched, warm flesh for his large hands to explore and learn every curve of.Â
Even you stiffen at his exploration, holding in your breath as if youâve forgotten how to breathe. Your shirt lifts up more with his hands and the exposure is daunting like youâre revealing your insides.Â
The pit of your stomach lights up and you're frozen under his clutch. The pads of his fingers hold you so tight as if heâs scared youâll disappear. His cock is raging and you can feel every pulse of blood that his heart beat floods to. Heâs humping into you desperately, chasing the euphoria that he could never find on his own. Such a delicate, shy boy now driven by lust and longing.Â
âYouâre pathetic and disgusting. Youâre practically fucking me through our clothes,â you murmur while you try to push his hands down off you, but his grip wonât let up. Instead his nails dig further into you, a barely sounding broken noise escapes you from the pain. This makes his body collapse further into you, his head dropping between your shoulder and neck. His movements are sloppy and rushed.Â
âN-no, Iâm still good. You make me feel good, I am so good,â he whines, tears beginning to fall from his eyes to your shoulder. You try to imagine his holy water is washing you clean but it only singes.Â
âTell me that only I make you feel good, that youâre only good for me.âÂ
âOnly youâcan only be you to make me good,â he cries against your warmth, rocking himself into you roughly. His leaking cock begins to twitch against you and his hips wonât quit their stuttered jerks.Â
You hum lightly and run a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face. He looks up at you with those desperate, wet, dark eyes and you canât help but acknowledge how pretty he is like this. His puffy cheeks are flushed pink as the tip of his nose. âOnly for me,â you mumble.
âYes, thank you, I am yours. Yes.â His breaths are jagged and heavy. Thereâs a coiling in his abdomen that feels borderline explosive. You were right, he craves this feeling. Itâs surreal to him how heâs gone so long without it. His arms wrap around you completely now, holding you down while his body rolls on top of yours, situated between your legs. His heart hammers against your chest; he wants to mold into you, to become a singular rot.Â
You squeak a gasp, being caged down by him. Your heart beats with the same veracity. One of your arms wraps around his waist to hold his back while the other holds the back of his head that hasnât left the safety of your neck. He continuously sobs through meek moans. His hair tickles your skin like sparks while his lips brush over your jaw and neck making the tingle feel like crackling flames.Â
Under his weight you feel yourself slipping in both confidence and dominance, your body wanting to sink down in submission from the unknown comfort of his control. Your heart aches and you feel something youâve never felt before. You think youâre scared of it, yet your body pulls him closer. Hand in his hair, tugging with fearful aggression. Nails piercing the skin of his shoulder blade. Youâre pliant under his heavy thrusts and sounds of sin.Â
The rain pours harder outside with whips of harsh winds smacking the window. Itâs almost like Godâs wrath is screaming to be seen, to shout that He is watching.Â
Sunghoonâs hard cock is relentless against your core. The rough grind of him is stimulating in ways  youâve never felt before, your body sensitive and starving for more. You squeeze your eyes shut and moan within your closed mouth, hating yourself for feeling this way because it was never supposed to be about you. You are betraying yourself more than your fathers.
The sounds you try to withhold make Sunghoon weaker. He feels uncontrollable, only becoming needier and hungrier with his movements, âI canât stop. I canât stop.â He whines, begging for you to vocalize how you feel it too.Â
You feel like youâre breaking underneath him, and it feels shameful. Like every harsh word your father ever spat at you was true now that youâre a part of the experience and not just the cause. Everything is too much. It takes every ounce of strength you have to turn both of your bodies over. Now sitting up on top of his lap, you can finally breathe again, sighing in relief. He whimpers at the distance between you both but also from the view of you.Â
He moans your name softly as he grips your hips, pushing himself up into your clothed pussy like heâs fucking you. Your hands push down on his shoulders. You stare into his eyes with a plain expression and contrasting sharp eyes, grinding your hips back down on top of him. Itâs hard to ignore the way it makes you feel, watching him fall apart beneath you as his pulsing cock fucks against you, but you manage.Â
âCum for me,â you demand quietly, âmake a mess and imagine itâs inside me.âÂ
âHoly fuângh,â his entire body spasms and shudders with a low groan falling from his open lips. His movements slow down only to become lazier and uncoordinated. You can feel the warm wetness he spills soak through your thin pajama shorts and underwear.Â
âYouâre right. You are good for me,â you coo softly, cupping his face and using your thumbs to wipe away the tears. Your hips circle and swivel slowly on him until his quivering cock finishes cumming.Â
Sunghoon has a sparkle to his wet eyes. The way the gentle praise left your lips makes him melt, and he canât stop the flickering glance between your eyes and lips. He breathes heavily through his post clarity. Still he basks in your touch with a hopeful look in his eyes. His tongue slides over his lips before heâs leaning up towards your face, hands affixed to your waist to pull you closer to him.Â
This makes a wave of panic wash over you, knowing what he wants to do. You shake your head no and pull yourself away, slipping off of his lap only to turn away from him.Â
âNone of that. Itâs not what-âÂ
And then thereâs a press of lips to your cheek. Your face burns as if a hot coal was what kissed your face. Your eyes go wide, turning to see the boy sitting up next to you. He only wears a shy smile as he sees your reaction.
âIâve wanted to do that for a week now,â he admits with a small laugh. âNot exactly there but thatâs fine. I wish you would let me help you feel good too.â he whispers, looking back to the windowsill where the gifted flowers stood in their vase with the raging storm as their backdrop.Â
âThatâs dumb and I donât need to,â you reply, still watching him stare forward. Your chest feels painful; itâs an ache like shattered glass trying to piece together in the wrong ways. Stabbing but trying.
âI think you deserve to,â he argues. âBut I understand if itâs not what you want. I was really touchy and I shouldnât have been because you donât seem like it. I was too caught up in the moment.â His mind goes to the mess heâs still sitting in and he feels self-conscious all over again. âIs it embarrassing how much I need you?â
You blink at him, swallowing the words that were never going to come out because you didnât even know what they should or would be. So you settle with a simple, âNo.â
You think it would kill you to admit how much you actually always wished to be wanted, needed, or loved. A bigger part of you didnât think you were worthy of it, let alone capable. The world had such a way of saying otherwise. Until it brought Sunghoon to you; the boy who showed you feelings and experiences you never thought possible.Â
As if he could read your mind, he asks, âWhy did you choose me out of everyone?â He falls back onto the bed, laying down and pulling the blanket over himself.Â
âI think you reminded me of a lamb.âÂ
âPardon?â His brows furrow.Â
You lay back down next to him, facing him like he is to you. âPretty, white, and docile. You were so nervous when I first saw youâsometimes you still are.â You even laugh a little. âWhen you shook my hand I knew I could do anything to you because youâd let me.âÂ
âYou think Iâm pretty?â He smiles wide, scooting closer to you.Â
You scoff with an eye roll, leaning further away from him. âOh shut up, youâve seen a mirror.âÂ
And then itâs his turn to laugh a little. He looks at you like youâre the reason the sun rises and falls. It kind of hurts you to see him like this because it reminds you of your initial rotten intentions and how theyâre dissipating the more youâre with him.Â
Time passes faster than the two of you realize. Thereâs light banter and easy conversations. You learn more about Sunghoon. Where he goes to school, what he studies, and who his friends are. He tells you of the sports he used to do and what he does in free time with his best friend. The more you learn about him, the more you understand his naivety and how despite what youâve done, he wonât change. Thereâs something lovely about it.Â
You donât have much to share about your life the way he does, at least not in the same light. But you show him your favorite books, drawings you made over the years, and share the stories of movies you found interesting. He savors the moment of you simply confiding, enjoying the more he can know about you.Â
The storm passes later in the evening. So caught up in borrowing time, the rain has slowed down to a simple pitter patter. The clouds dispersed and the setting sun only came through to say goodbye to the day.Â
The sound of the truck that the farmhands use to take back to town is heard roaring to life, signalling you and Sunghoon that itâs safe and time to head out.Â
Sunghoon jumps out of bed but by the time heâs shoving himself into his still damp jeans and looking out the window, the truck is already speeding down the dirt, now mud riddled road.Â
âThey just left without me,â he breathes out. âIâm used to them leaving me out, but t-this is.. How am I going to get home?â He looks back to you with sad eyes, not the light they had earlier. Heâs not shocked by their actions, but he is disappointed. A hand runs through his hair in his stress.Â
âShould I kill them?â Your question is brazen, body and voice eerily still in your seriousness.Â
âW-what?!â he whispers in shock, freezing for a moment.Â
âIâm joking.â You sit up and watch Sunghoon resume getting dressed. âI think you should head back to the lodge for the night. Thereâs a washer and dryer for your clothes. And spare food for dinner too.âÂ
Sunghoon nods slightly, âyour jokes are weird, but okay.â He looks like heâs thinking of something, taking his bottom lip between his teeth in thought before speaking again. âCan you stay with me for the night at least?â he asks shyly.Â
âNo,â comes out quicker than you intended. â...But I guess I can walk with you there.âÂ
He nods again but now with his signature small dimpled smile. You almost forgot about being angry at the other farmhands for taking it away.Â
You have to make sure the coast is clear before leaving the house. You tiptoe down the halls and stairs, weary of where your mother is inside the house. To your luck, sheâs in her usual state. Sheâs passed out on the couch with two empty bottles of wine on the floor. The television volume is low, playing a rerun of the reverendâs sermon; the devil himself of your childhood, preaching about how he lost his child to the otherside.Â
With a finger to your lips, you silently signal for Sunghoon to be quiet and to follow you out.Â
Once safely out of the front door, you take his hand in yours and start running for the lodge. The tall boy is behind you, so you donât get to see the bright smile on his lips or in his eyes as you run through the light run towards the lodge.Â
Now standing in the front doorway of the farmerâs lodge, wet from the sky all over again and still hand in hand, Sunghoon bravely speaks up.
âI donât like it when you disappear on me,â he breathes out shakily, honestly. âNobody else sees me like you do,â he squeezes your hand tighter in his, feeling you begin to pull away. âCome with me into the city tomorrow. We can- Iâm not sure yet, but Iâm sure I want more time with you.âÂ
His eye contact is unwavering, begging. Both of his strong hands hold onto yours. You glance from your hand then back to his pleading expression. He will always remain so sweet, no matter what you do to him.Â
âI felt less lonely before I met you,â you confess, eyes unblinking as you stare up at him for a long pause. âIâll meet you here in the morning.âÂ
In only seconds, heâs pulling you into a hug. His arms wrap around you so tightly as he holds you to his chest. You go stiff in his arms, forgetting how to breathe for a moment. What feels suffocating at first turns into a warmth youâve become all too familiar with, and it was never anger. The indignation you always wear is just a hand me down from your parents; it doesnât fit you right even though itâs comfortable.Â
With a shaky exhale, you wrap your arms around him too. The hug surrounds you like a blanket of unknown comfort. Your ear pressed to his chest listens to the sound of his racing heart. You can feel the pound throughout his entire body too. Every emotion held within is trying and fighting to be seen. Itâs still so cold from the rain but he feels contrast, only warm. His lips press a kiss to the top of your head, making your body burn even more and your hold all the tighter.Â
ăTrue to your word, you meet Sunghoon at the farmerâs lodge the next morning. He seems happier than usual. Very giddy to be spending a weekend day with you without work in the way. No distractions or excuses to leave. Just the two of you and a new day with zero obligations.
Because you had a spare bike, you both are able to peddle towards town to the bus stop together. Having made these frequent trips alone, youâre familiar with the owner of the gas station at the stop. Heâs a deaf older man, and it surprises Sunghoon that you know how to sign and ask him to hold onto the bikes until youâre back. You tell Sunghoon that you learned some basics from reading a book you bought a long time ago.Â
Stunned, Sunghoon realizes that you went out of your way to do so for one man who watches your bike while you endure solo trips. You, the odd girl who was mean and sinful, used your money and learned a language for one man who did a simple favor. Heâs learning more to admire you for by the day, and itâs crazy to him how you donât see your own charm.Â
Sunghoon pays your bus fares even though you insisted on being capable of doing so yourself. Sat in the middle of the bus thatâs only barely half filled, he asks if thereâs anything youâd like to do for the day while in the city. Nobody has ever asked you such an effortless thing, and you like it more than you imagined. Just uncomplicated curiosity of your wishes.Â
âThe book store. The small yellow one on main street. Maybe see a movie if anything is worth seeing.â You shrug, spewing out the usual things you do. Looking around the taken bus seats, you notice some familiar faces.Â
âThat sounds nice,â he smiles, âour first real date! I think thereâs a cafe near that book store too. Do you like coffee?âÂ
Your cheeks burn as you stare at him in bewilderment, âyou think weâre going on a date?!âÂ
âOf course we are,â he laughs like itâs obvious and wraps an arm around your shoulder, looking out of the window. All that the town can offer him other than you passes by. âIâm a fan of americanos. You seem like youâd take your coffee black.âÂ
âI donât even like coffee,â you mumble, turning your attention out of the window as well. âTea is nice though.â You add in, crossing your arms over your chest.Â
âHm. I can see that too,â he hums as he pulls you closer into his side.Â
So much can change in such little time. Youâve experienced this many times in one life. How one day can open a new door to a path otherwise not taken. Showing Sunghoon more of you has made him bloom into a larger ray of light. He seems more comfortable, and now youâve become the awkward one.Â
The ride to the city doesnât normally take this long, or at least you donât think it does. Every second with him by your side makes the experience feel brand new. The theme of time being unreal is common with him, youâve discovered. Itâs when youâre in the bookstore and see a holiday sale that you realize itâs not even June anymore.Â
While Sunghoon looks for books for his upcoming college semester, you find yourself in genre sections you never really cared for before. The dark and racy ones were fun to bring home, sure. But innocent, cliche romance was always something cringey to you. Now if you change your perspective to that of research then itâs less daunting, right? Perhaps youâd make sense of all the things youâre discovering about yourself and him. Yeah, thatâs convincing enough.Â
He teases you at the checkout counter when he sees what you picked out. Your face flushes in embarrassment and you canât even bite back at him or defend your choices. So you smack him with the book on the way out while he laughs and makes jokes that arenât very funny.Â
The two of you do manage to catch a movie. You honestly didnât care to see one, but having to sit silently in a theater for at least an hour and half seemed like enough time for him to, hopefully, forget and drop the whole book situation. Itâs a summer slasher film. A group of teens go camping and the plot is very âwho done itâ style. Overall, itâs a fun choice. You have your turn to laugh and joke when Sunghoon gets jumpy or scared.Â
After the movie, you both end up at the cafe Sunghoon mentioned while on the bus. There was something painfully intimate about everything today. But especially sitting down to eat with him. Not even your mother could meet you at the table anymore.Â
âYou seem softer today,â Sunghoon states, setting his half-drunk coffee down. âAlmost nervous. Is it because weâre out together for our first date? Or just the people in general?âÂ
You raise a brow at his brazen curiosity and observation. âMaybe youâre rubbing off on me,â you play with your fork to move around the barely touched food in front of you. âOr maybe itâs a bit of both.âÂ
âIf you come to the city enough to know sign language for the man who watches your bike, do you like it better than the countryside?âÂ
âDonât know. Iâm used to the quiet life, but leaving it behind and pretending itâs not there is nice too.âÂ
âWhat keeps you there?âÂ
âThe scenery. The air. The lake. Being friends with the animals.â You look up from the plate to Sunghoon who is watching you like a lecture: attentive and learning. âIâm not very good with people, so I think it suits me alright.âÂ
âYouâre good with me though,â he argues softly.
âNo, not really. I wish I was more like everyone else,â you inhale deeply as your eyes wander around the bustling cafe. Thereâs a choir of laughter, conversations, and social dynamics you would have to study to master. âIf I were a good person, everything would be easier.âÂ
â...but I like you as you are,â he mumbles loud enough for you to hear, watching you shift in your seat. He doesnât think youâre not a good person, and it hurts that you see yourself as such.Â
As Sunghoon speaks, thereâs a chime that follows as the front door of the cafe is swung open. A disheveled man stumbles inside, heavy feet stomping the tile floor to attempt to stabilize his disorientation. The man burps obnoxiously loud, and many eyes find him with the grand entrance.Â
He scratches at his lengthy, unkept beard as he looks around. When his sunken eyes find you sitting at the table nearby his eyes grow wide and his mouth falls open. His hand shakes with a pointed finger in your direction, ây-you! The girl from the reverendâs sermon!â Heâs loud, capturing the attention of everyone now. His sloppy movements make way towards you and Sunghoon; you feel everything within you freeze, and your heart knocks at your chest fast and hard with anxiety. Â
He slams his hands on the table, causing your plates and drinks to rattle. He reeks badly of alcohol and his crazed eyes never leave yours. You swallow thickly, fight or flight mode still trying to understand the situation before you. Meanwhile Sunghoon, worried and confused, slowly begins to stand up and grab your bags.Â
But you, youâre frozen staring at the messy man who talks of your greatest hate. Your hands tremble on the table.Â
âI thought the reverend made you up for stories, but my God! Youâre the real living thing just like the pictures; his only sin,â he laughs boisterously in your face and you try not to gag. âI saw him a little whiles earlier, ya know,â his voice goes quieter, itâs taunting even. You wish to remain calm but your eyes tremble and a frown takes your face. âI should go find him and tell him youâre here. He really-â
Sunghoon takes your hand, practically dragging you away from the table. You almost fall from your seat, like a baby deer just learning to walk, thereâs little strength to your legs.Â
âItâs not too late! You can be on the right side of things!â his voice ricochets off the walls of the now quiet cafe. âIf I can be saved by his preaching, so can you! Look at me!â His mad laughter follows you and Sunghoon outside.Â
Sunghoon watches you stand on uneasy feet, zoned out staring at the sidewalk. It didnât take much to put the pieces together that the drunken man was talking about your father. Your father being a reverend whoâs not in the picture gave him much to wonder about, but now isnât the time. He just wanted to get you somewhere away from this memory.Â
He crouches down in front of you. You slowly blink back to reality, now looking down at his back. You donât want to speak so you poke his shoulder in questioning.
âHop on. Letâs go somewhere else.â
âWhat if Iâm heavy?â you look at the bags heâs already holding, feeling that you too are a burdened weight he doesnât need to hold.Â
âIâve got good muscles, remember? Good for farm work,â heâs patient and calm with you while his eyes watch the man from outside the glass cafe windows. âCome on, baby.â
Without thinking, you end up on his back. He carries you on his back, strong arms holding your legs while yours are loosely around his neck. Your insides are a flared up hurricane but at least that allows your body to forget the empty ache you left at the cafe. With your chin hooked over his shoulder, you watch the many people and downtown stores that pass by.
Sunghoon doesnât exactly know where heâs walking, but thinks itâs best to end the day here and return you to the bus stop. Heâs never seen that look on your face beforeâthe one you had when the man was loud in your face. He didnât like it, and heâs sure you hated it. You looked intimidated, or afraid.Â
âWould you kill him for me?â you watch the side of his face, âthe reverend, I mean.âÂ
He stops in his tracks and turns his head to look back at you, âw-what? I canât kill someone⊠and you should joke like that.â he panics, looking around to see if someone was listening to the wild conversation and request.
âYeah, I know. Iâm fucking with you,â you look away to hide your smirk, âand only half joking.â
âDid you believe him before?â He starts walking again, but this time at a slower pace knowing the bus stop isnât too far now.Â
âWho? My dad or Our Father?â Thereâs a use of air quotes at the end of your question.Â
âBoth?â his head tilts.Â
âNeither,â you confirm. Thereâs a pause for thought and Sunghoon waits for you to further explain. âMy relationship with both is too similar. Theyâve both known me my whole life, right? Seen all of my wrong doings and in return shown wrath through unnecessary punishments called forgiveness. In what good world is tolerance violent?â
âWhat do you mean? What did he do?â
âSometimes, after my mother set the table for dinner, he would knock my plate to the floor. Tell me to eat off the ground like the animal I was or starve.â Sunghoon frowns at this, coming to a slow stop when he sees the bus shelter bench. âSometimes I had days and nights locked in the barns, but he switched it up to the basement when I was too close with the animals.â You laugh a little, but he senses the pain behind it. âI watched him kill the animals, too, only to smother me in their blood. Beatings were rare, but I think only because he despised the thought of even touching me.â
Sunghoon slowly sets you down to the ground and breathes out your name safely, taking your hands into his. He looks at you with sorrow, like he was the one who endured it with you.Â
âGodâs orders, am I right? My father, the church goers, speak of God like theyâve seen his face and heard his voice, but they havenât. I wouldâve by now too.âÂ
If He was really in everything, all around, why did He always turn a blind eye? Why does He pretend to not know you? It only made it harder to believe inâsomething that would bring you here, torture you then watch you suffer for not living how it pleases. God wants to be believed in, but so do you. Only you would never beg for compassion.Â
Sunghoon squeezes your hands in his, âI donât think you should stay there. You never deserved that⊠even if youâre volatile and strange⊠because youâre also kind and caring. Itâs why I like you. Itâs their fault for not seeing that,â he reassures. âI havenât been through what you have, and I canât understand. I-I mean I can try to, ya know⊠itâs not like Iâd leave if I didnât.â His words begin to stumble nervously, not confident in its sympathy reaching you where needed.
You laugh nervously, trying to tug your hands away from his grip that doesnât let up. âOkay sure whatever, this is really embarrassing nowâŠâ You swallow hard and find difficulty in meeting his eyes.Â
Thatâs all that matters, what he said to you, but you didnât have it in you to say it. He already knows it though, smiling small and holding your hands still. Without words or excessive displays he can still see it in your eyes, the subtle comfort of acceptance.Â
He could never blame you for your nature. He sees your anger as you just trying to be strong all while being sad. Whether you are his lover or executioner, he would accept you as you are every time with open arms, receiving hands. Even more readily, now.
ăEven more time has passed since knowing Sunghoon. Summer has never flown by so fast. The calendar doesnât exist to you anymore. Itâs only the days you see him and the days that you donât. The season will be wrapping up in the next few weeks, but only for him. He has to return to his regular scheduled routine of pursuing education while you will stay here, on the farm. Itâs rare for you to feel this emotion: fear. You are scared of losing him. And the concept is something you do your best to avoid thinking about because it makes your skin itch with anxiety. It crawls over you like something that needs to be cut out.Â
And then an idea hits you. Something far more deep-seated than everything else youâve done with Sunghoon that would solidify that this summer is real and yours. Something that will always stay; a reminder that good things are possible despite how the world has made you.Â
Itâs a damn near perfect day. The sun is so bright, and only peers down onto you both through the gaps of the trees. Itâs just warm enough. Just quiet enough aside from the sound of Sunghoonâs gentle breathing and natural composition of the nature that surrounds. Rustling of leaves, chirps of birds, and scurrying of whatever life that wishes to not be seen.Â
You both sit criss cross at the wooden dock by the lake, simply enjoying the scenery and all it has to offer. His large knee is affixed to yours. If this was early June, you would have moved away. But now itâs a week into August and you wouldnât have it anywhere else. Just like you always imagined, and secretly wanted, the view is nicer with someone else.Â
He didnât bother asking why you never brought him here before, or why it is that you chose to now. Heâs just happy that you decided to at all.Â
You slip a hand into your boot and pull out a pocket knife. You flick it open and do a brief inspection of the cleaned blade. The sun glints off the metal as you turn it.Â
âSunghoon, do you trust me?âÂ
His eyes flicker from your blank face to the blade. He nods slowly with a swallow, âof course.â Thereâs a subtle apprehension to him. You hand him the small blade and leave your palm facing up, open to him.Â
âCut a diagonal line down my hand,â you point and draw a line down the middle of your palm.Â
âHuh, seriously?â he takes the blade confused and concerned with what youâre asking of him. âWhy? I canât hurt you.â
âDo it. Donât think of it as hurting me, but still do it deep enough to leave a scar.âÂ
He struggles to understand the situation, but youâre so serious and clearly waiting for him to do as you asked. He exhales deeply, taking your hand in his while the other holds the knife just above the bared skin. Hesitant and slow, the tip of the knife pressed down into your flesh. You wince a little, which makes him pause. You nod, encouraging him to continue and he does despite hating the act. He slices the palm of your hand open just as you wanted. You hate blood, but itâs not so bad when caused by him.
âShit, it stings,â you swallow through the pain. The feel of open flesh burning and stinging. âYour turn,â you exhale while taking the knife back with your free, unharmed hand.Â
âMy turn,â he agrees as if all logic has left him and readily displays his palm to you. Deep down, he feels guilty for hurting you, so to make it even he wants to feel the same.
Just as hesitant and careful, you create a matching wound in his hand. A deep enough, bleeding, lesion in his left hand to match your right one. He cringes at the sight and the pain before looking back to your face. Your expression is so soft yet attentive, almost awestruck.Â
âEven when you hurt me youâre gentle,â he remarks, watching you in amazement with a meek smile.Â
âI am not gentle. I have sullied you,â you remind him, your eyes attempt to glare but theyâre too bright in his.Â
âIn the softest way, why?â His voice is delicate and still like the lake that sits before you. You blink slowly at him because there are no words to be found. He continues, âI never thought of you as a bad person,â he pauses as you drop the red stained knife, unsure if he should continue at first but does regardless. âAnd, uhm, Iâve thought a lot about this summer. What I've learned from you. Purity is constructiveâlike something made to bring shame.â You donât move, watching him. âI donât have to be clean to be goodâŠand your hands never made me dirty. Because they never were either.âÂ
Like an excavator to your tall, strong built walls Sunghoon has knocked your shield down. The facade of your character is breaking down, crumbling into the broken pieces that made it. A single tear escapes your eye and runs down your cheek. Itâs rare for you to cry and youâre disgusted with the reality as to why itâs now that you break. Simply falling apart from kind words.Â
You try to use everything in you to ignore the heat in your body, to show the anger you think youâre feeling inside. So your eyes remain sharp and strong, boring into his, as they still water. You swallow the dry lump in your throat and without a word, you take his hand into yours to join in a mix of blood.Â
At first, you had one goal; one similar to murder. The sparkle he had in his eyes, you wanted to eatâto make them emptyâand see the world ugly and godless like you. Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, his eyes shone even brighter. You only wanted to take and take of the innocent boy, but in this moment you realize, maybe I just wanted to give him some of me.Â
You wipe the wet drop away from your face with haste, pretending as if it was never there. Whatever blood oath youâre making with Sunghoon allows you to feel something indescribable. You donât know if itâs deserved, but you smile anyways. Because the indescribable feeling feels like itâs an unknown, unspoken promise.Â
Heâs seen you smile before with insidious malice, but this time, for the first time, you are really smiling. Itâs a raw expression of surfacing emotions, and he returns the emotion like the sun. He thought of you beautiful before but with your brightness finally peering through your clouds, he believes you to be heaven sent. A part of him always wanted to see you cryâusually it was him with tears in his eyes; which is funny, because he wasnât much of a cryer himself. You just had that way of breaking him down. He knows now he does for you too. And he can tell that youâre probably the type of person who needs to cry the most.Â
His hand squeezes yours tighter, a grip so loving, as you bind in one. Neither of your eyes or smiles leave each other until the bleeding stops.Â
ăA week later, Sunghoon asks you on a date. The summer fair is in town. Itâs something like a festival where all the locals from towns around the city come to visit and join in on festivities from carnival games, rides, food, and uncommon entertainments. You think of being mean, denying him the acceptance of the date, but you have always wanted to go. So you said yes without your words: took his scarred hand in yours and nodded.Â
The evening sky is a watercolor of warm tones as the sun begins to lay down for the night. The bright lights of the fair illuminate the large open field turned carnival. Thereâs a sea of people here tonight, and although it makes you nervous inside, having Sunghoon by your side makes the ordeal easier to handle.Â
The line for the ticket booth is lengthy but it passes by. You approach the booth, standing a little behind Sunghoon who takes out his wallet to buy your entrance wristband passes and tickets. You look around at the many people: families, friends, and couples, all immersed in their own experience as the music and sounds blend in the background of conversations.Â
âOh wow! Youâre really handsome,â the girl at the ticket booth gawks at Sunghoon. She straightens her posture and fixes her hair from her face, âone ticke-?â
Catching this, you step forward and snatch Sunghoonâs wallet from his hands, âhe already knows that. Do your job or Iâll feed you to pigs.â You slap the cash amount for what you need down onto the table top with a straight face and mean eyes.Â
Her eyes go wide and she hushes an apology, quickly giving you both wristbands and tickets for the evening. She even threw in extra tickets as you stared her down.Â
Sunghoon watches you with a flushed face, even the tips of his ears burn red at your jealous threat. You both walk off into the fair, a sheepish smile on his face as he leads you through the crowd with an arm wrapped around your back and hand to your waist.Â
âWas that one of your jokes too?â he grins down at you.
âNope,â you glance at him with a small smile. You werenât sure what came over you in the moment, but it was something internally deep, and territorial. An innate reaction to someone trying to appeal to something that belongs to you. It felt ugly and you didnât like it.Â
The idea that he could possibly be taken from you was a phenomenon youâve thought of for a while now. Knowing he has an existing life outside you, outside of this summer, that he would return you made you sick. Youâre far from perfect, or the right thing for him, and he could find a safer option if he ever pleased. Pushing the thoughts away is harder than you imagine, so you cling to his side even more.Â
You and Sunghoon use up your spare tickets for carnival games. You toss rings around bottles, shoot water guns into the mouth of a clown frame, and throw darts at balloons. The both of you arenât very skilled at any of the games, but it's fun enough to enjoy the time without winning a prize to show for it.Â
Eventually, Sunghoon does find frustration within the âriggedâ set up of the games. He even pulls out his wallet for cash when the tickets are gone. Youâre surprised at how competitive he is; his determined nature is something that stirs your insides around. You donât know if youâve ever smiled so much in your life.Â
After 3 rounds of throwing a ball to knock over a moving target, he does manage to win. Going 3 for 3 and not missing a single shot. The excitement you feel when he succeeds takes over and youâre proud, doing little jumps in place and clapping your hands together.Â
âYou did it! You won!â you exclaim, hugging onto his side.Â
He can only smile down at your joyfulness. A fire burns in his heart and he hugs you back, kissing your forehead. âAll for you. Which prize do you want?âÂ
âItâs yours, you should pick it,â you blush, elbowing his side with a shy smile while your eyes keep looking up to the stuffed white lamb with a lace ribbon around its neck and a cushion gold bell adoring the throat.Â
Of course, thatâs the prize he ends up choosing. It might not be Saint Michael the stuffed bear, but itâs something far happier, cleaner, and softer.Â
The stuffed animal never leaves your hold throughout the rest of the evening. It rides the many rides you and Sunghoon do. And sits at the picnic table with you both as you share fair snacks. Popcorn and cotton candy was never so sweet for either of you. Like contentment melting on your tongues.Â
Cliche as ever, Sunghoon wants to end the night there with a round on the ferris wheel. The line moves quickly and when itâs your turn to step into the carriage, he takes your hand and sits you down the seat next to him.Â
It moves slowly and rocks back and forth with shaky movements that have you gripping the side handles. With an arm around your shoulder, he holds you close to him. The array of flickering colorful lights and people below you feels almost magical.Â
Taking your eyes from the heightened difference between you and the ground, you look back to the boy beside you who is already looking at you. The reflection of rainbow luminescence glistens in his eyes. Itâs even prettier than the view from the top of the little world youâre in. You give him a shy smile, finding it impossible to look away.Â
He says your name in a whisper, taking your chin between your fingers. âThank you for choosing to let me in.âÂ
Confused and wide eyed, you watch him lean into your face. You gasp when his lips meet yours before returning the notion. With eyes closed, you melt into his kiss. Itâs sweet as all the things youâve experienced today because of him.Â
Itâs also as clumsy and messy as a kiss can be for two people whoâve never done so before. However, human nature and desire take over and ease the rest for you both. Lips move over another in a gentle waltz, careful and slow.Â
And as if the situation couldnât get anymore cliche, fireworks light up the sky. At first you thought it was just your imagination and all the books youâve read flooding your consciousness, but the booming sounds and cheers of the crowd are too loud to not be real.Â
You pull away from him first, and heâs already wearing a shit eating grin so wide that you canât help but roll your eyes, fighting the urge to smile back at him. Your face burns in both embarrassment and adrenaline from the kiss.Â
After that, you donât leave the city like you should. The bus takes you both back downtown but neither you or Sunghoon feel itâs time for goodbye. So, for the first time, he takes you back to his apartment. Youâve never been to anybody else's home before, and itâs nerve wracking to say the least. The complex is large and somewhat modern, housing many of the second and third year private college students.
When you step inside, itâs quite plain but at least clean. Youâre immediately greeted by a boy shorter than Sunghoon. He has a big mouth smile and shining dark eyes. His hair is shaggy but it suits him. Heâs practically bouncing on his toes. You shift yourself behind Sunghoon and hold onto his shirt, hiding slightly from the excited puppy-like roommate.Â
âHow did it go? Oh, and nice to finally meet you,â he rambles out quickly, âIâm Jake. The best friend and roommate. Iâve heard a lot about you.â He shoots Sunghoon a wink before grinning back at you. He extends a hand for you to shake but you donât reach out. Something about his eyes doesnât sit right with you.Â
âSheâs shy,â Sunghoon laughs a little as he guides you past Jake and towards his room. âIt was fun though. I recommend going before itâs gone.â
âAh, you got yourself a nice little angel, huh?â Jake leans over the kitchen island, watching you both. His smile falters. âIâll have one of my own some day.â For some reason, you think of him as a secret pervert.
Sunghoon laughs his comment off and tells Jake goodnight before showing you to his room. His room is neat and as simple as a college boyâs room can be. A bed, desk, dresser, closet, and bathroom. One poster of a musician youâve never listened to and a window with unopened blinds.Â
You sit yourself at the end of his bed and he sits down next to you. Thereâs some awkward silence as you look around, unsure of what youâre supposed to do. He feels similarly to your internal dilemma.Â
âI-Iâve never had-â
âItâs okay,â you cut him off. Of course heâs never had a girl over. And of course youâve never been over to a boys house.Â
âAre you tired?â he asks, and you lie by nodding your head. So you both get ready for bed. He gives you a shirt to borrow for bed that change into in his bathroom while he changes into sweats and a t-shirt in his room.Â
In minutes youâre both laying in his bed under the covers and staring up at his ceiling in the dark room. Not a word is said as you both lay there wide awake and untouching. But you know heâs wanting to by the way his body is shifting and turning, inching closer with every minute movement.Â
And before you know it, although expected, his body is nestled closely to yours. His arms wrap around you, pulling you into an embrace. For the most part, he usually does keep his space. Knowing how you are when it comes to physical touch that feels too sudden or invading. But with barriers breaking down more over time, he thinks youâre learning to handle the comfort better.Â
âI thought you were tired?â he mumbles, head on your shoulder. His hands trace up and down your arms that are wrapped around yourself like a guard.Â
âI lied,â you whisper. Your eyes canât look at him yet, so they remain aimless to the ceiling. Some moonlight slips through his cracked window blinds, giving you enough view of the spinning ceiling fan.Â
âI had fun today. Mostly because you did. I like seeing you happy,â he smiles after kissing your shoulder thatâs exposed in the neckline of his shirt too big for you. âAnd⊠I liked when you kissed me back,â his voice is quiet and shy-like.Â
âDo you want to do it again?â Your eyes shift to him and you can barely see the warm flush to his cheeks. Heâs cute.Â
Taken aback at first, he just blinks at you with a parted mouth. Then he nods his head slowly, licking over his lips.Â
You turn over onto your side to face him and his hands donât leave your waist. Unsure of what to do with your own, you wrap them around his neck. Good thing they sit behind him and itâs dark in the room because it would kill you for him to notice the slight tremor in your fingers.Â
With a scarily racing heart and stiff, trembling body you surge forward to kiss him. His lips are quick to capture yours. Soft and pillow-like, they mold into yours in waves. What starts off as clumsy and unskilled turns into hunger. Something desperate and needy. His grip feels bruising to your hips but in a nice way. In a way you want it to hurt more.Â
His nails digging further into your flesh to keep you impossibly close make your lips gasp, or maybe itâs the lack of air, or just both. And instinctively his tongue is licking its way past your lips and into your mouth. He kisses you like heâs starved for it. His wet tongue drags over yours, and your teeth, then as far as it can inside of you. He whimpers, pressing his already hard cock to you as he licks and kisses you open.Â
Your stomach has never burned this way before, and you feel the hot sensation all over then down to your core that aches like itâs hungry too. You feel disgusted by yourself but canât fight the hum you make as you devour him right back. Youâre getting wetter every second heâs in your mouth.Â
This time, he pulls away first. Panting for air and staring at you with glazed over dark eyes. He licks over his wet lips again, savoring the taste of you on himself. He bites down onto it and a part of you wishes it was you he sunk his teeth in.Â
âCan I do what I did last time?â he breathes out, his hips involuntarily jerking up against you at the thought alone.Â
While trying to act like youâre not catching your breath too, you say quietly, âdo whatever you want.âÂ
He kisses you again but with more desperation. You try to do the same but you can feel your heart and your head preparing for battle. The way heâs feeling you up and grinding himself on you is in no way unwanted, and thatâs part of the reason youâre struggling to maintain presence.Â
Itâs so much happening so quickly, but youâd be lying to yourself if you said you didnât imagine this happening eventually. Sex was inevitable. The way his body yearns to be one with yours makes you feel special almost. Heâs already engraved into you but in his mind he has to be inside of you and it hurts so badly how you think the same.Â
But is the last thing that keeps him pure really yours to take? Youâve stripped so much away from him for all the wrong reasons before and now it feels strange. You are no good and thatâs all he is.Â
The only thing keeping you here, in the moment, is him. His exploratory and gentle yet rough hands, his body grinding into you, his lips that canât leave yours or your skin for even a second, and the weak wanting sounds that leave them.Â
âI need more, please. I want- I need to feel good with you. Please,â heâs whining into your ear. Then pressing kisses along your jaw and neck that are all so tender, slow, and deliberate. Large hands caress you like youâre breakable, as if not already just a body of fragmented pieces made whole and called a person.Â
Your still shaking hand reaches down between your two bodies and slips past his sweats. He had the nerve to go commando and you wish you could tease him, but you canât. Youâre lucky youâre even here right now and breathing his air. Your hand wraps around his aching length and gives him a few tugs to which heâs quick to moan. He kicks off his sweatpants while you bring him closer to you. The plush of your thighs trap him; he whimpers against the soft heat of your flesh.Â
Your hips grind up into him once, showing him what he should do too. Heâs slow to start, rocking himself between your thighs. Slutty and hopeless sounds leave him in a string of his want. His leaking hard cock is so close to your core. Only the thin layer of your underwear keeps him from feeling your clear need for him too.Â
Wrapped in each other's arms, you bury your head to his shoulder. You can feel the pulse of his aching desire rubbing and grinding against you. It makes you shiver in sensitivity and cower further into his neck. You donât bite down onto your lip, but his neck. Thereâs a sting to your eyes because you hate itâthe wet warmth that pools out of you. Your sin sticks to your underwear and your skin like the red raining life of all the animals you made leave the earth; your haunting subconscious correlates with your growing pleasure.Â
You know youâre not religious yet every time Sunghoon touches you thereâs a divinity to it and it makes your hands want to join in prayer to thank the universe for sending someone like him to you. Because his hands roam your body as if they have in every world; as if there is not one timeline where you have not been made for him. Like you were carved from his rib every time.Â
Your body smolders in that angry way it always did whenever Sunghoon got too close to you. Whenever his words were too kind, his touch too gentle, or god forbid when he just smiled at you. That fire is just the divine nature of your relationship, lighting up everywhere he touches and leaving flames in the wake. You thought it was your body rejecting his purity, but you were only denying the likeness. He made you feel good. And in the most ironic way possible. You just didnât think you deserved it.Â
Yet an anguished moan leaves you, rumbling against his skin as you bite down harder. Regardless of it all, he is yours right now.Â
The feeling of your sinking teeth in him, the sounds youâre now making, and the damp heat between your legs he canât stop chasing all makes his head spin. He bites down onto you just the same and it only makes you moan louder.Â
âPlease,â heâs whining again through the bite. His voice a needy tremble while his hips stutter and thrust between your legs that only squeeze tighter together. The way the fat of your legs hug his raging cock through his desperate grinds makes him chase more and more for that feeling he just canât seem to reach. The crying tip kisses and pushes up then past your leaking folds every time. It drives you both insane.Â
If your body is the fiery lake of creation's deepest pit, then he is the cleanest ocean of earthâs highest point. If anyone could extinguish you, and possibly make you feel whole, it was Sunghoon.Â
This is the most horrifying reality youâve come face to face with. Not just intimacy, but a stronger driving emotion. You have to open yourself, rip open your chest and bare your beating heart in all its naked vulnerability. Let it scream out I like being with you. You have allowed this person into your world that nobody else has dared to step foot in. To see you in such ugly ways yet still extend their arms for you. Itâs a terrifying level of closeness that youâve never once experienced and you donât know what to do with. Youâre beyond perplexed by what heâs done to you, in both terror and awe. Â
You pull back from Sunghoon and he pauses everything for a moment to look at you, noticing your wet eyes. Before he can ask whatâs wrong you reach down and slip off your underwear. You shift your body and maneuver him as best you can until heâs on top of you. Rattled with concealed embarrassment you remove his shirt and toss it somewhere to the floor, and he does the same.Â
You take a deep breath and reach back down to his cock, lining it up with your pussy. You blink and swallow away all the things trying to stop you from allowing yourself him. Pliant beneath him, you grab his shoulders and pull him down to you for a quick kiss. Foreheads now pressed together with lips ghosting over the others, you tell him, âI hate you.âÂ
Sunghoon only smiles down at you before kissing you once more. With his arms caged around you, he slowly pushes himself forward. The fat tip of his cock fails to go through you, only sliding up and past the wet folds. He whines feeling the warm slick coat the head; his entire body shudders. He nearly cums from that alone.Â
He looks at you confused, and nod once while trying to shift your hips around for a better angle. Itâs not like you to be so quiet during things like this. It only tells him that for once, youâre nervous about new things the way he was.Â
So he tries again, this time a little rougher. He thrusts his hips forward, the tip pushing past the tight walls but still barely in. You whimper at the intrusion and the feeling of you being stretched open. Your hands squeeze hold onto his biceps for purchase.Â
The tight sensation of your pussy squeezing his tip feels otherworldly to him. He canât help but need to sink deeper into you. His cock pushes in further at an agonizing pace until heâs as deep as he can possibly go. His arms shake while he tries to maintain his strength and keep himself from collapsing onto you completely. The wet walls that surround him flutter and try to pull him further inside, making him feel lightheaded. His moans are so needy itâs almost like heâs crying from the feeling.Â
âOh, f-fuck!â you whimper. Having Sunghoon completely inside of you feels so full. Youâre stuffed with him and it hurts so good. âYou gotta move, Hoon. Feels like youâre splitting me open.â
âYou're so tight, mm.â His hips stutter from your words alone and he whimpers again. He pulls himself out halfway while your gummy walls kiss around him in an attempt to suck him back to be filled again. He begins to rock himself in and out of you. Itâs inexperienced and awkward, but he gets the hang of it quickly. Doing what feels best for him and what seems to be the best for you too.Â
âI hate you. I fucking hate you,â you whisper harshly, looking up at him with tear filled eyes. It all burns while feeling like heaven. Never have you been so full, held so gently, or seen than this summer. You bite back the breaking moans and whimpers. You claw at his skin. You even begin to cry when your hips canât stop chasing his thrusts.Â
âI love you too,â he whispers back. A kiss is pressed to your forehead as his cock pistons you. Sunghoon is smart enough to know youâre a liar. Your mean words that used to hurt him, he now understands. Youâre not really a bad person. And you donât hate him. You were just really damaged and if heâs damned for trying to heal that then heâs fine with that too.Â
âI mean it,â your body shudders, feeling his tip pound so far and deep in places inside you that you didnât know reachable. His fat cock drags out and forces through your tight hole, making you cream all over him more and more. The sounds that leave your body, the sounds your bodies are making, itâs so obscene. Fighting off the disgust and focusing on how he makes you feel is war. Itâs so hard for you to win.Â
âNo you donât,â he shifts himself to sit on his knees, taking your legs and wrapping them around his waist. He leans forward and kisses both of your cheeks before fucking himself into you again, only harder and faster than before.Â
âNgh,â you moan again through broken sobs, blinking away the tears as you stare up at him. âIâm t-trying to.âÂ
âI know, baby.â he mumbles before capturing your wobbling lips into a searing kiss. âItâs okay, haah, donât cry. Youâre good. Youâre so good for me,â he says against your wet lips. You can only sniffle and try to turn your head away from him in your embarrassment. âNo, no.â he takes your chin with his thumb and finger, forcing you to look back at him. His thrusts never letting up during his care. âLook at me. Youâre so good to me.â He reminds you over and over. âWeâre so good together. Iâm yours. youâre mine.âÂ
âSay it again,â you sniffle through little sounds of sin. Your hand finds a place on his cheek, and your thumb rubs over his lips that wear a smile.Â
âYouâre so good, good for me. We are so good together. I am yours. And you are mine,â he says softly. His eyes are so filled with love, and if you could see your reflection in his then you would know yours are too. âSay youâre good, baby, itâs okay.â
âIâm good,â you sob through your whimpers, âIâm yours.â
To Sunghoon, the idea of sex was always sacred. Something thatâs only done and shared between lovers bound by marriage of the church. But now, he thinks differently. He knows that there is no shame in him loving you now or years later. And he was more than happy to make love to you all night until you believed it too.Â
ăPerhaps there was a thing such as divine intervention and if Godâs timing was alway right, he knew how to be evil with it too. Because the next day, when Sunghoon takes you home, heâs met with your maker.Â
Your mother, aware of the frequent trips youâve been making and how close youâve grown to the summer farmhand boy, is quick to make a call to your father the night you donât return home. It wasnât necessarily because she cared for your well being. Youâre more than capable of handling yourself. But it was an excuse to try and get him to come back. Only it doesnât go how she wanted.
When you see the reverendâs car parked in front of your house, your heart drops. Sunghoon picks up on your tension, He sees how you go blank at the sight and slowly turn back into the empty girl he met months ago. He tries to hold your hand but your fingers canât move, canât return the embrace.Â
When the reverend walks out of the house with his infamous weapon of sacrificial forgiveness, you know what to do. Your body moves on its own, leaving Sunghoon to reach out for you that walks towards the woods. He goes to follow you and the desolate man that stalks behind, but your mother stops him. Sheâs hysterical as she drags him towards your house saying, âitâs going to be okay.â But sheâs crying.Â
Once out of their sight, the reverend takes you by the hair. He yanks your head around, pulling you towards that cursed tree. Heâs uncharacteristically rough and your scalp screams for a release but you donât show it. You donât even look at the man. Not even when heâs tossing your body to the ground.Â
âSo youâre whoring around with my employees now, huh? Was ruining this farm not enough for you?â His words mean nothing to you. You dust off the dirt and go to stand again, but he kicks you back down. You tsk under your breath as he speaks again, âIâve seen all the things youâve done. Seen you leave my barns with red hands and smile. Cut heads off chickens like an anatomy project. Is he next? That church boy?âÂ
Now you look up to glare at him. Seeing the reverend was aggravating enough, but to say something about Sunghoon was infuriating to you. âI am not a killer. You are! And those animals were already dead.â You spit at his black leather church shoes.Â
âOh, you disgusting little devient,â he laughs lowly, untying the rope from the tree. âYour cruelty shouldnât bring you joy. Sick and twisted, I shouldâve dealt with you sooner regardless of what your drunk bitch mother protested. I can save the boy when youâre gone.âÂ
âWhat?â you shuffle backwards from him, angry and confused as he stalks closer to you until youâre backed against the tree. âAll those things I did was because of you. Your righteousness made me rotten!â Your hands shake, gripping at the dirt ground for anything to make the fear stop. You glance up to the empty tree branch then the rope in his hands. Where is the lamb? You think briefly before it hits you. âYouâre crazy,â you whisper, âI will not be your martyr⊠not now what Iâm finally-â
âCondemn me to Hell for all I care,â he crouches down in front of you, âThis is the last time Iâll be a killer.â He throws the rope to your lap and tells you to tether yourself.Â
âWhy do you hate me?â The words scratch at your throat. When you were younger, you did want the reverend to hate you. It was when he noticed you most, and itâs all you really knew. But now youâre older, and his disdain never made sense.Â
You canât bring yourself to move even if you wanted to. Was this His plan? To allow you one good thing in life before ending it? Was ruining Sunghoon your final sin?Â
The rope shakes with your fingers as you stare down at it. The twine of the rope burns over the palm of your hand where Sunghoon carved his promise. Your throat feels dry, tight and suffocating; choking on everything youâve ever done. And your eyes still puffy from the night before well with tears all over again.Â
âI just do,â he thinks of slicing your neck open right there. So fuck tying you down, you were always secretly another lamb anyways. He raises his knife and the metal sits cold under your chin as he lifts your head up to look back at him.Â
âOkayâŠâ you swallow.Â
Your eyes squeeze shut and so does your mouth, as you raise your head to the sky with an exposed throat. Why isnât this easy? Unlike the animals, you do know whatâs coming. And itâs scary. Scary not because of death, but because you arenât ready. You havenât told Sunghoon goodbye or that you love him back. And the thought of him finding something in this world to hate, is such an ugly feeling to die with.Â
And then thereâs a loud noise. A booming bang, followed by unsteady feet falling back and the ground rumbling with a thud.Â
You open your eyes and your father is on his back clutching his abdomen. He coughs and gasps before raising his hand. Itâs dripping in deep red. And you canât help but smile with tears in your eyes as you exhale a jagged breath.
You turn your head and Sunghoon stands there with the shotgun in hand, open mouthed and wide eyed.Â
âSunghoon!â you scramble to your feet and run over to him, taking the gun from his hands as heâs frozen in shock.Â
âH-he was going to- he was about to hurt you. I had to-!â he stutters, his eyes already crying and hands shaking, still feeling the weight and recoil of the gun.Â
âItâs okay,â you coo softly. âJust- go back to the house and Iâll be right there, okay?â You rush out. Still in shock and dazed, he blindly trusts you and does as you say.Â
When heâs no longer close by, you walk over to the reverend with a blank face. You stare down at him as he tries to crawl away, dirty and bleeding. The smile you make doesnât reach your eyes.Â
You point the gun back down at him, and place your foot over the shot wound Sunghoon created. The man gasps and tries to swat at your leg but you only press the gun further into his face, making him surrender.Â
âDivine intervention, huh? Say it with me now. I know no punishment, only mercy.â Your voice is quiet, calm, and mocking of his tone. With the barrel to his forehead, you watch him writhe in pain and cough up a little blood.Â
âGo to Hell,â he spits his words like venom.Â
âIf you say it, Iâll let you live. But if you show your face to me or Sunghoon again, Iâll shoot you right between the eyes.â Your foot presses down harder. You can feel that angry little girl inside of you jumping with joy.. Knowing his God demands to be bled for, and making him know the sacrificial suffering, well it feels good to say the least. âSay it. With me. Now.â Each word pronounced with the growing applied pressure to his shot wound. And then he begs for forgiveness. Heâs never seen you smile the way you did when he was below you with those words. Empty eyes were never so alive for him either. He cries and chants âI know no punishment, only mercyâ over and over. It was like the most beautiful hymn.
ăThere wasnât much to be said about that day. Sunghoon and you just pretend you shared a nightmare. Neither of you talked about it. It was just another thing that tied you together.Â
Sitting there in the peak of summerâs heat. A day before Sunghoon returns to college classes. Birds chirp. The leaves of the tall trees thistle in the light breezes that pass by. Sunghoon sits criss crossed and while you have your feet hanging off the edge of the dock, kicking in the water.Â
âIâm sorry,â you break the silence. Shocked, he looks over to you. He never would have expected you to apologize for anything. âI was selfish when I approached you. I wanted to take all that goodness out of you and keep it for myself. I thought I wanted to hurt you, but after sharing all this time with you, I realized I was wrong. Itâs weird to say it out loud,â you laugh small, awkward, âbut I really am sorry. I love you more than even I know.â You stare down to your feet in the water that has gone still. A tear falls from your eye, and down to your cheek.Â
âI know. I love you too,â he wraps an arm around your waist. âBut now the same sins bind us.â You hiccup silently and turn to look up at him. âHarvest all of my purity, farmerâs daughter.âÂ
For the first time, you really laugh. Itâs bright and loud like the big smile heâs seeing for the first time on his favorite face. Itâs morning sunlight that whispers through trees to kiss the forest floor. Birds that sing songs of hope to awake life into a new day. Nostalgic, expansive days of childhood where the concept of time doesnât exist. To him, you look like the epitome of summer; he doesnât want this season to end.Â
You were never the lamb. Or the wolf. Not an animal at all. Nothing like the ones you grew up with. You were just a girl, scared and alone. But not anymore. Because itâs your last day on this farm, and tomorrow is the first with only Sunghoon.Â
âYour humor is poetry.â you continue to laugh until tears prick your eyes all over again. You love it.Â
âIt wasnât supposed to be funny.â he looks away shyly, blushing. It only makes your giggle more, but you stop to press a kiss to his cheek. He blushes harder.Â
âIâll keep doing it, harvesting all of your purity, for as long as youâre good.â you say with a smile.Â
âDo you promise? I am always good, especially with you, so it could be a long while.â He bumps your shoulder playfully with a laugh.Â
You take his scarred hand in yours and you laugh like he did, pure and true, âI do.â
The one where you find out that your boyfriend has a huge cock and youâre not entirely sure if you can take all of it.Â
MDNI!!! | pls leave feedback and reblog your fave writers!
PAIRING â jaeyun x afab reader Â
WORDCOUNT â 2.4k
CONTENT â Â first time, established relationship, top jaeyun, painful sex
NOTE â this was originally written for a different idol on my other blog [ncteez] but i pictured jake in that one en oâclock episode doing this and went feral soâŠâŠhereâs ur giant package.Â
smut tagsâ heâs a little cocky (lmao), i guess you could say size kink but itâs more like huge cock / tiny pussy size kink, theres some crying, praising, reader gets off like almost instantly and becomes incredibly cock drunk the second heâs able to actually fuck
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Things you knew about your boyfriend before dating: heâs very protective, super smart, has good taste in music, his hands are big and warm, and heâs very down to earth.
Things you didnât know about your boyfriend until after dating and heâs on top of you during a moody and rainy night makeout session: his cock is huge and itâs very intimidating.
One might ask, how could you have not known? Well, thatâs easy. Itâs a fairly new relationship and a very shy relationship at that. Itâs a bit embarrassing for you, actually, because itâs not like you donât want to be intimate with him. You definitely do, and apparently so does he.Â
Itâs the first time in the three weeks youâve been dating that youâve gotten to be completely alone with him in an intimate setting. For one, you live with your parents, and secondly, he lives with three other dudes who like to be all up in his business. Itâs not exactly easy to get alone time with him. Thankfully, your parents are out on a five-day holiday somewhere in the Bahamas and youâre here on your family couch with Jaeyunâs hands cradling your neck as you kiss him.Â
It got heated very fast, presumably because the two of you havenât really had the privacy to do more than a standing makeout session without someone listening in, or worse, walking in. It almost makes the air feel electric now, kind of like a breath of fresh air except the fresh air tastes like the fruity chewing gum he had in his mouth when he originally came over.
Hereâs the thing though, and man, itâs a thing. Looking at Jaeyun youâd think heâs average at best and youâre not really the type to go around guessing dick sizes. So, naturally, when he slots a leg between yours as he got on top of you and you fucking felt it against your leg, you were a little more shocked than anticipated. Maybe he let out a little snide chuckle at your reaction too, you wouldnât know, you were kind of busy wondering when he was going to let you in on the secret.Â
Now, here you are deep in thought of how the hell that thing is going to fit anywhere while simultaneously one hundred percent willing to make it fit because god, does he know how to makeout and feel someone up.Â
The more he kisses you, the more his hands roam, the more you experience intimate touches with him, the more you feel like your skin is on fire and replacing that intimidation with extreme arousal and lust. All the way until the point that the presumed makeout playlist starts over and he finally pushes a bit further with you.
âIs this okay?â He asks, now slotting himself entirely between your legs and essentially pressing his length directly against the pool that is threatening to seep through your fucking denim shorts.Â
You give him a half nod, trying to pretend that heâs definitely a normal man with a normal cock. He smiles though, knowing full well that this isnât what you were expecting. No one ever expects it from him.Â
âYou seem occupied,â he comments, pressing himself against you a little more and leaning down on his arms to nip at your lips. âor shocked, maybe?â
You try to kiss him to shut him up, not wanting to expose yourself for being entirely inexperienced with a size like his.Â
âHm?â He encourages you, pulling back again and looking directly into your eyes with a confident smirk.Â
âWell,â you shift your eyes away and sigh out, âyouâre kind of hugeâŠâÂ
He takes that compliment and runs with it. Itâs not like the two of you have to finally have sex or anything, but you both knew what was happening and you both definitely knew what the other wanted. At least ten minutes ago that was the situation.
âIs it too much?â He asks, this time a bit more concerned that his own biology could ruin this for you.Â
âProbably? no, maybe?âÂ
Jaeyun pulls away from you, moving himself to sit back against the couch and give you your space. Considering probably and maybe isnât a yes, he feels no need to push or pressure you into doing something you donât want to do. There have been times where heâs hurt another person while being intimate, though not intentionally, heâs not exactly willing to do that to you unless youâre like, you know, jumping his bones for it.Â
âStill, iâd like to tryââ You start, looking at him as you sit up and feel your entire body tingle at the cold air that replaces his warmth. âMaybe if we take it slowâ like, really slow?â
He looks at you with shining eyes. He asked you to be his girlfriend because he genuinely likes you. He likes your voice, he likes the way you smell, likes when you talk about your favorite songs and favorite movies. He was definitely smitten from the moment he saw you trip on your own two feet down the front porch of a house party months ago. Taking it slow with you was pretty normal, and the fact that you want him too just makes him all the more willing to take his time.Â
âIâll take care of you, â he hums, spreading his legs a bit across the couch to give himself more space to re-adjust himself. âJust tell me if I need to slow down?âÂ
You nod, staring directly between his legs and rubbing your own together on instinct. If anyoneâs gonna split you open, it might as well be your boyfriend.
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When he said he would take it slow with you, he really meant it. The fact that he curled three fingers into you for a solid twenty minutes and you still feel like your legs will buckle on you at any moment knowing that this is just for prepâ oh damn.Â
 The fact that he even used his tongue on you for the first time, making sure you were more slippery than you already were for another twenty minutes? The fucking fact that you were on the verge of orgasm when he pulled it out and presented it to you like a cock you could totally sit on without issue?Â
Fuck.
Reality washes over you far too quickly when you actually make that attempt.Â
Youâd be lying if you said it didnât feel like you were being torn apart by him, but part of you loves the way his gentle hands hold you steady as you try to sink down. You can feel the wet heat between your legs coat his length inch by inch as you start to slide down.
He stops you only for a moment when he notices you wincing.Â
âBreathe, baby, just a little more.â He encourages, getting a nod from you before guiding you down further.
You breathe, clenching around him and doing your best to stop doing that so you can relax. You can tell heâs struggling to actually take it slow by now too, only because you can feel his hands shake against you as he holds himself back from obliterating you, probably. Youâd think it would be quite endearing to see, if it werenât for the fact that your eyes are blurring from the tears threatening to fall.Â
Feeling embarrassed, you wipe your eyes and focus on how he feels inside of you. The pain is still there, but as you âsitâ here, that pain somehow does replace itself with a strange sensation of pleasure little by little. Youâve always wondered what it felt like to be full, and it appears that this is exactly it.
Itâs overwhelming.
âDo you want to stop?â He asks after noticing your tears, a bit of panic in his voice despite the fact that you could have sworn hearing a moan come out alongside it, âPull up, itâs okay, you canââ
You sink down further instead, now bottoming yourself out on him and releasing a broken whine of both pain and pleasure. He grunts in unison to your whine, gripping your hips even harder than he already was and squeezing his eyes shut.Â
âFuck,â he sighs out, lazily opening his eyes to look at the way you perch yourself on him so perfectly. âSuch a tight fit.âÂ
You nod, mostly unable to hear a word heâs saying as you try to relax your body enough to get rid of that small hint of pain. The consistent clenching of your adjustments send your boyfriend spiraling a bit, unable to contain his sighs of pleasure as your tight and wet heat squeezes his cock.
âTell me when I can move, please, tell meââ He groans out almost frantically, staring down at where you sit flush against him and wanting so badly to fuck into you.
 Heâs wanted to do this to you since you started dating, now that itâs finally happening, and now that youâre quite literally jerking him off simply by adjusting to his sizeâ you know, itâs not exactly easy to contain himself.Â
You take a few more seconds to breathe before your body finally relaxes and you give him a reluctant nod.Â
Instantly itâs like youâre seeing stars. He barely moves, all he does is flex his abs and press his hips up and itâs like he manages to fit another non-existent inch inside of you.Â
You groan out, falling forward against his chest and gripping onto his shoulders as you feel your body adjust to even that small movement. To you, this is so fucking embarrassing, but to him?Â
Hottest thing ever. Really.Â
He can hear your whiny gasps against his neck when he moves and itâs driving him fucking wild, especially considering the fact that his cock is driven so deeply inside of you that he thinks youâd tell him to stopâ but you donât.Â
Youâre so good to him, and for what itâs worth, he wants to make sure this will be the best orgasm of your life.
Slowly, his hands fall to your ass and guide you up. You feel slight relief as a few inches leave you, and your stomach bubbles with that same sensation of both pleasure and pain when he slides you back down.
He moans out at you, almost like heâs cooing in pity at how much youâre trying to take for him. Itâs incredibly sexy to hear now that your ears have stopped ringing and youâre beginning to believe that youâd never want anything smaller than him anyway.
This time, you lift on your own and sink back down just as fast, wincing again against his neck but releasing a moan that sounds more like pleasure than anything else. He sees this as a green light, gripping your ass and encouraging you to lift slightly again.
âStay like this.â he mutters with a deep breath before kissing against your forehead and thrusting his hips up once, hard.Â
The tight heat youâre offering sends him into a frenzy when paired with the wet slap of his pelvis hitting your pussy, and the sounds youâre making offer little in terms of stopping because by now, youâre both loving it.Â
He thrusts into you with ease, the drag loud and slippery, the moans of pleasure you release only make him go faster, harder. Almost releasing a whimper of his own at how fucking perfect you are for taking all of it.
âLook.â he tries to let out, waiting for you to pull yourself up from his chest and look at him.
You do with ease, that broken face from before now replaced with lustful and blown out pupils.Â
âLook how good you take it,â he praises with a groan, almost punctuating each word with a thrust, âknew you could take it.âÂ
Your broken smile that falls into a slack mouthed string of nonsense only continues to push him. All the way until you canât think straight at all, and youâre feeling your body tense up with such pressure that you canât even warn him before your walls are clenching so tightly that it even hurts him.Â
You grasp onto him for dear life as your orgasm washes over you, drenching his entire length as you hold your breath. Never have you gotten off while feeling so fucking full, and arguably, you donât think you could ever feel an orgasm so intense without him being the one to split you open.
âThere you go baby.â he hums, watching you breathlessly fall apart on top of him before picking up his rhythm again and chasing his own high.
By this point, youâre so well adjusted that even the searing pain of his restless thrusts feel good. Your brain is foggy but you canât help but just fucking watch him.
This is your boyfriend and this is what it looks like when youâre making him feel good.Â
âAre you close?â you start to bounce on him, meeting his rhythm and allowing him to rest his own hips.Â
He nods as he looks at you, awestruck with how youâre already able to ride him as if you werenât whining just moments before. Seeing you take him in full like this is enough to have his cock pulsing.
âJust a bit more, baby.â He closes his eyes and runs his hands up your waist. âKeep riding me, fuck.âÂ
And that, you do. Feeling proud of yourself for being able to actually take this literal monster, you focus on the twitch inside of you as he releases with a deep and breathy moan.
Itâs entirely too sexy to ignore, and you continue to bounce even as he tries to hold you in place to subdue the sensitivity of his cock being fucking strangled by how tight you are.Â
Once his body stops jerking and you feel the last twitching release inside of you, you fall forward and both of you groan from the sensitivity.Â
âThere are pros and cons to having a big dick, i guess.â he admits in a groan.Â
Even when you laugh, thereâs another wince from both of you followed by a groan.
âPros: big dick.â he whispers, holding you still against him so you donât move again before he can soften up and pull out. âCons: big dick.âÂ
Jake thought he could get away with purchasing your panties off of your brother without anyone knowing. Unfortunately, the dorm life, where Jay exists literally three feet away from him at all times makes that impossible.
or the one where jake tries to jerk it while his roommate is sleeping and jay just wants him to share a lil bit of what he has hidden under his pillow
minors dni! | requested by anonymous
WORDCOUNTâ 1.2k
PAIRINGâ jake x jay x reader's panties
WARNINGS â both jake and jay are fucking weirdos. bisexual jay. jake is just horny so he's like "well, ok i guess"
NOTEâ tumblr hasn't been letting me post longer drabbles as an ask, so to the anon who sent me this idea, ur brain. mwah.
smut tags under cut::Â
smut tagsâ masturbation, panty sucking, kind of guys kissing, cum, moaning, purchasing of panties lol
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âWhere did you get those?â
Jay stares forward at his roommate, narrowing his eyes for a moment in realization.Â
âFound them.â Jake shrugs, trying to hide the item crumpled in his fingers, shoving them quickly into his pocket as if it would keep Jay from asking any more questions.
Unfortunately, Jay knows what those are, and knows who they belong to. He saw that fucking instagram post. Jake saw it too, Jay saw his bitch ass like the picture as soon as it was posted.Â
It was a photo of you alongside your friends. You hadnât noticed at the time the image was posted, and god, fuck, Jay wishes you never found out because the whole post was deleted shortly after. It was a panty shot, you sitting there on the front steps of a bar alongside your friends. If you zoomed in on the photo, because letâs be honest, Jay always zoomed in, you could see it. You could see your panties.
An accidental panty shot.
So, Jake would be out of his fucking mind to think Jay doesnât know what those are. What he wants to know is how the fuck he got his hands on them.
Jake awkwardly stands, almost like a deer in headlights as Jay closes in on him, furrowing his brows and glaring at him.
âJake.â Jay warns him with a deeper tone, âWhere the fuck did you get those?â
Jake, famously bad at telling lies, stiffens up before dropping his shoulders entirely.Â
âI paid her little brother for them.â
Jay lends him a look of disgust. Not because he thinks itâs weird, but more so because why the fuck didnât he think of that first?â
âBroâŠâ Jay trails off, wanting to reach into Jakeâs pocket and grab them himself, but he relents...for now. âHow much did you pay for them?â
What Jake thought would be a scolding session, or like, a life long reason to mock and make fun of him turns out to beâŠoh. Now, hold on.
âWaitââ He takes a step back, raising a brow. âWhy do you care?â
âAre they dirty?â Jay continues to question. âWhat do they smell like?â
Then, silence as the realization hits them both.Â
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Well.
Jake expected to spend his first night with these panties alone, but it seems like Jay isnât willing to let him out of his sight with them. Weird, absolute freak behavior, but he gets it.Â
Heâd probably do the same if he noticed Jay twirling your panties in his hands too. Still, heâs been dying to jerk off since he got the first whiff of them.Â
Yes, theyâre dirty.Â
He didnât pay $200 for nothing. And your brother drives a hard bargain. Jake seriously almost dipped into his saving because the fucker wanted more for them. Fucking pervert, selling his sisterâs panties to make an extra buck.
Whatever.Â
The issue now is the fact that Jay just lingers.
âWerenât you supposed to go to work tonight?â Jake groans, hating the dorm life and despising the lack of jerking off heâs been able to do with a roommate so close.Â
âI called in.â Jay deadpans, rolling over on his bed and acting like heâs going to go to sleep.Â
Jake leaves it at that, rolling his eyes in a huff and flopping down on his own bed.Â
An hour goes by in silence.
Two hours.
Jakeâs eyes are bloodshot by this point because he really is sleepy. Heâs got class at eight tomorrow morning, after all. Thankfully, he can tell Jay is asleep by now. Which meansâŠ
Heâs as quiet as he can be when he reaches under his pillow, nearly moaning at the feeling of the panties against his fingertips alone. Heâs lucky Jay didnât see him stuff them under here, because for a second he was almost worried theyâd be nowhere to be found once he finally got to do this.Â
And so, silently still, he grabs them and gently lays them across his nose, inhaling deeply before sliding his hand down and into his sweatpants.Â
He breathes the scent of you in, imagining all sorts of things until heâs working up a sweat trying to hold in his silence. Even if he were being loud, he wouldnât know it, his ears have been ringing since the first touch of his cock, if heâs being totally honest.
Theyâre ringing so loudly, and his eyes are shut so tightly that he doesnât even notice Jay getting out of bed and standing in front of him. He only realizes when the scent of you is suddenly gone and a waft of fresh air fills his lungs instead.
His abs flex as he opens his eyes in a frustrated groan before heâs ripping his hand from his pants and trying to snatch the beloved item back.Â
âWhat the fuck?!â Jake grips, not even hiding how hard he is before lifting himself from his bed, onto his knees to try and grab at Jayâs arm.Â
Jay, already lost in the sauce much like Jake was previously, will be damned to hand them over so easily. So, he presses his two fingers into the seat of the panties and sucks them into his mouth.
Jake nearly sees red at that.Â
âI paid for those.â He seethes out this time, cock jumping unintentionally at the way Jayâs other hand is blatantly down his own pants, unashamed, right there in front of him.Â
âWe canât share?â Jay mumbles from around the panties, leaving the fabric in place while pulling his fingers out, reaching for Jakeâs arm to pull him even closer.Â
All Jake can do is follow the grip on him in shock, unsure of what to do but fuck, he was so close already. Jay seems weirdly okay with thisâŠwhy canât he?
âHave you not tasted her yet?â Jay mumbles again, rolling his eyes back briefly when he flicks his wrist against the head of his cock.Â
Jake wouldnât know whatâs going through his mind even if you tortured him to say it. Genuinely, there is no excuse for him to lean forward like this, chasing the scent of your panties right up against his own room mateâs mouth. He tries to save himself from crossing that line by trying to tug them out with a gentle pull, but it doesnât work. Why doesnât it work?
Because Jay closes the distance for him. Not kissing him, but lying his lips against Jakeâs with the panties acting as a barrier. And then? He presses his tongue out, as if giving the panties back to Jake through a kiss.
Jake moans when he slightly pulls back, hesitating as he moves his hand down his own pants again. Unsure if heâs moaning for the taste of you, the intense arousal in his gut, or, well, being kind of kissed when he like, really really needs it. Jay or not, human contact is human contact when he's this fucking turned on.
Already, Jay is close with the remnant of your pussy on his tongue, but opening his eyes and seeing Jake act just as insane as he doesâ he canât help it. Thereâs something about the taboo nature of it. The way Jake paid for panties from a girl who barely knows either of them. The way he started loudly jerking off as if Jay wasnât three feet away from him before. The way he flushed while watching Jay try and get some of it too, jerking himself off in the open like that.
The way Jake just..stays here, inches from his face and cums against his sweat pants with a broken moan, drooling all over the panties.
Itâs not that his roommate turns him on or anything. Honestly, Jay could give less of a shit about Jake in terms of sexuality but that moan. So broken, so desperate. He couldnât help himself, reaching and tearing the panties out of Jakeâs slack mouth as he releases, just to shove them down his own pants, cumming all into the fabric to not only the taste, scent, and feeling of your panties, but the sound of Jake whimpering at the loss.
