are you ready for it?

calista. jane. hook ahoy, auradon squares and isle burnouts! it is i, c.j. hook, the third and only legendary child of the ultimate lamezoid captain hook. i'm a senior at auradon state and a natural-born captain who enjoys sailing and soliloquies, dramatic entrances and divine pranks, flames and fucking- i may be not be allowed to pillage and plunder but i'm not out for the count. prepare to get hooked on cj.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: yeah whatever you know i won't say shit. you're a pretty good captain and whatever. and i'm always down for wrecking shit just for the hell of it anyway. okay I'll tell and try to set something up.

CJ: Don't get mushy on me now, save that for your little lady friend. But good. I think some kid's summer art camp left their projects drying out overnight if that sounds good to you. And sure. Let her know she'll be meeting me and Z both, it's a captain-AND-first-mate kind of occasion.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: I was trying to find a way to say I was pissed off and going to start breaking shit without threatening you because I'd rather stay being your pirate. I didn't think about introducing you guys to her. Would you want to meet her??

CJ: Good, because I'd rather keep you, but tell anyone I said that and I'll deny it. And if you still want to break stuff, let's do it together. I could use a fun evening of leaving wrecked shit in my path! And DUH! If she's actually important to you, then I want to know this girl! I'm your captain, after all.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: With respect captain, if you keep talking about Hoku like that, I'm going to lose my shit. She's my fucking girlfriend whether you like it or not. She's not some random girl I'm banging or a girl I just fucking met. I KNOW her and I love her. So you're just going to have to respect that. Because she's my number fucking one.

CJ: Ew, but understood. And before you "lose your shit" which, beeteedubs is NOT the threat you think it is, I'm 'ew'ing the love of it all, NOT the girl this time. But Spencey-Poo, if she's that important to you, why haven't I met her yet?

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: because she's badass. she doesn't have to be booksmart because neither am i! so we're both apparently dumb as fuck and if that's the case then we're fucking perfect for each other. and it's not just the sex. whatever shit you feel with zevon it's like that deep level type shit. whatever the fuck it's called

CJ: Two things, Spencey-Poo. First? You can't call someone "badass" just because you like them, DUH. People have to DO badass things to get that title, and I don't think your girl has ever done a single thing that's even close to qualifying. And no, before you ask, showing her face in public despite the horrifyingly high number of times her parents must've dropped her on the head doesn't count. At least you're street smart. You can't lie to me and tell me that she is too, unless you mean Sesame Street smart.

CJ: And second? Don't talk about me and Z as if you two could ever compare to the bond between a captain and her first mate. You'll NEVER understand what we have, especially not with a girl you barely know. Get real.

[hookedoncj]

text 📲 hooks

Harry: Just thought I'd let you know that as of now you're talking to the person singlehandedly responsible for making sure the people back on the Isle get better food. Just talked King Baby Beastie into letting me and Uma make supply runs.

CJ: Am I supposed to congratulate you on seeming so damn sterilized that our goody-two-shoes king trusts you with something like that? Because all that message did was heavily depress me and let me know the brother I once respected is DEAD! If you have any requests for your funeral arrangements, speak now, dear brother, or forever hold your peace!

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: I'm not an idiot. dumping hoku would be the stupidest thing i could do. she's fucking amazing. i guess we don't have to think about them being sent to the isle anymore. I'd much rather spend time with her anyway.

CJ: The idiot bit is debatable, especially considering your weird obsession with this girl. I don't get what you think is "fucking amazing" about one of the dumbest people I've ever met but fine, whatever, if the sex is that good, just fuck her. You don't have to be pathetically at her beck and call as her "boyfriend" to get laid.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 squej

Squeaky: because we could get in so much trouble! i could!!

CJ: Oh please, what's the worst that could happen? King Beastie Jr. isn't going to send you back to the Isle or anything. And besides, all we have to do is find someone to frame as a scapegoat, duh.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: because it's the first full free time since they're both home and my dad wanted "family" time. i fucking love my girlfriend and I would've spent the entire summer with her if i could. but fuck it whatever yeah I'm just going to sneak out tonight so i don't have to listen to my dad cry

CJ: They're all going to be your family tomorrow too, and the day after that, and the day after that. Family, annoyingly enough, is one of the only things we can't escape. That girlfriend of yours, though, will dump you if you don't give her enough attention, so take care of her now and deal with the family later.

CJ: Or else just dump her! Then you don't have to worry about who to spend more time with, it's the perfect solution, realy.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 spenj

Spencer: this is bullshit, i barely get to hang out with hoku and have to spend half the break listening to my mom talk about that loser all day. thank fuck my dad's here finally.a

CJ: And WHY do you have to spend time with your mom or your dad? If you'd rather be with your precious whiny girlfriend then just ditch your lame-o family and go! It's not that hard. Despite your height, you ARE a grownup, Spency-Poo! AND a pirate! You can do whatever the fuck you want.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 squej

Squeaky: i... i could, maybe? but i dont think i should try, cj.

CJ: I just sighed SO LOUDLY that I threw my throat out! WHY not, Squeakers?

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 squej

Squeaky: i like to think i'm pretty good with computers and i read a lot of books.

CJ: Books are boring. Is there any interesting shit we can do with computers? Like hacking the royal website maybe?

[hookedoncj]

if you had to choose another first mate, who would it be?

I wouldn’t. When you get it as right as @zevonchanca and I have, you’d have to be a literal MORON to fuck it up, and I’m a mcfucking genius!

honesty hour!

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 squej

Squeaky: I guess .... ?? Uhm okay I guess sure sure I can help.

CJ: Next time we'll do something you're actually good at. What ARE you even good at, Squeakers?

[hookedoncj]

TEXT 👊 SHIMJ

Shimmer: NO! YOU’RE TOO ADORABLE AND NOT ALL BITEY! Untrue! Being delicate just means I’m forever cute and NOT all scarred and bruisey. Having to fight all the time seems more victim like to me.

CJ: I'M NOT ADORABLE, TAKE THAT BACK! It's not HAVING to fight, it's GETTING to fight! And win! I guess you've just never tasted the sweet nectar of victory.

[hookedoncj]

text 💬 izj

Izzy: just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life

CJ: Boo, BORING! Come on, Izzicle, the only excuses for laying around like a weenie are death or being sick and you're neither so shake that hangover OFF by coming to hang out with me!

[hookedoncj]

TEXT 👊 SHIMJ

Shimmer: THE PART WHERE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AN APEX PREDATOR EVEN IS OUTSIDE OF LIKE A TIGER OR SOMETHING! I’m a fairy, I’ll never really grow up and shows of strength aren’t things we generally find all that appealing! IN THE MEANTIME I SHOULD NOT BE JUDGED FOR BEING DELICATE! Not if I ruin my hands by fighting someone! Then my pride will NEVER heal!

CJ: AND I DON'T SEEM LIKE A TIGER TO YOU? 🐯 In that case, EW to you forever and ever and ever. Being delicate just means you're forever a victim, soz about it!

[hookedoncj]

TEXT 👊 SHIMJ

Shimmer: YOU’RE A PIRATE! I FIGURE THAT’S PART OF PIRATING! Really? That’s so impressive! But Scars and bruises are so vommy to me so I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on what makes a girl hot or not. Especially the punching being even hotter thing! I can’t throw a punch! I use my hands for my ice scuplturing, I can’t risk them with learning to hit!

CJ: PART OF PIRATING IS FIGHTING BUT WHAT ABOUT ME DOESN'T SCREAM "APEX PREDATOR"? Maybe one day you'll grow up and realize shows of strength are the sexiest things of all but in the meantime I'M JUDGING YOU. Hands heal, but your pride doesn't!