again so nobody asked, but its 2025 and i just decided to dig up my old tumblr and i had NO recollection that i wrote such a post... i honestly have a lot to do for uni but procrastination runs strong in my genome so i guess here's to future me again <3
ib wasn't as bad in hindsight, high school wasn't as amazing as i now hoped it was, but it was still happy because of the guy i was dating at the time. that's all i knew at the time and i was happy then so that's enough for me.
graduating high school with such a mid ib result was so lame of me EVEN IN AN ADJUSTED YEAR, but its okay. we took a year to regroup with a plan and ended up in a degree we actually like now. we're just more than two years in with two more years to go, and we've been so incredibly busy. this year is the most we've ever been tested physically and emotionally but we've made it so far. but when we like what we do, we don't work a day and we are incredibly lucky that we still like what we do right now.
him and i aren't together anymore, but we still look back with fondness. we talk on the phone from time to time as friends just to check in, but we haven't dated anyone since him. not for absolute lack of trying, we saw somebody last year and he was lowkey everything we could've wanted (or so we thought). friendly, hot, SUPER smart (a med student!), kinda dorky, sooooo cute (crying), tall, similar interests, SPOKE OUR LANGUAGE, had a cat too??? we took a huge step and searched him up after the event, hit him up, asked him out, we gave it a good shot for a month. it didn't work out even though we (i, and i think him too) tried so hard to like him and at the end of the day, i'm so proud of us (me) for staying true to ourselves and not forcing something for potential. as a kid i never really understood the "stay true to yourself" jazz but at 20, i realised what it meant. betraying myself felt worse than feeling lonely, and i'm so proud of myself for that decision even though i know it's probably one that many make regularly. i know it was really important to us to find somebody who "measured up/aligned" because we wanted stability and a predictable and similar future (we're in healthcare rn too), but i just knew it wasn't working. we had different world views and values and i didn't want to have to "convert" or "parent" someone into becoming what we wanted, that's not fair to us or to him (or anyone else i see). we put our big girl boots on and talked to him about it in person and ended it cleanly and amicably, and now i have my integrity (who knew this mattered to me so much!) and maturity to look back on. sometimes we think maybe we should've just gone for it - nobody was telling us to marry him for god's sake its just dating - but in hindsight, we know we did the right thing and we learned a lot about ourselves through that process. he truly was a pretty wrapped package for all my internal problems, and (unintentionally on his part) shone a mirror in my most bruised spots, spots that i didn't even know really existed.
dating has been hard (not that we've really tried since him) because of the standard 2020-2022 set for us. t changed who i am forever, i wouldn't be the person i am today without him and at the end of the day, that's all i can really ask for. we're just not right for each other anymore, and that's okay. we leave that behind knowing it served us good when we had it, and it no longer serves either of us now.
we did an insane amount of growing up to be honest. maybe a bit too much, a bit too fast. i get a kick out of knowing i'm kind of 'wise', but truly sometimes ignorance is bliss lol and its a double edged sword. every year we think "i already know what all my issues are and i'm pretty mature" while knowing that can't possibly be true, and every year i learn new things and still act surprised. lol. we know more about ourselves than ever, we know more about mom and dad than ever, and at the end of the day, we're just left with what is. not anger, not petulance, not hatred, but grief, pity, and a really really numb knowing that if things were easier for them, their parents, their families, maybe things would be easier for us now. first gen immigrant eldest daughter is no joke, we're exactly in that pipeline lol. we try for ourselves, for them, for him, and sometimes we just get tired and it's a bit much. then we have a menty b and chatgpt is our best friend, and then we pick ourselves up again because nobody else is going to do it but us. it really is just you and me forever and we need to start doing a better job at getting comfortable with that.
health is wealth and we are so lucky. others have so much more than we do but honestly at this stage i'm just glad we're all here.
f and d are doing okay, we love them and hope they're with us forever.
friend scene has lowkey changed so much, albeit quietly. i couldn't have imagined this in 2020 but i like it a lot the way it is now. time with the girls and the guys is healing, like-minded, fun, rejuvenating, and i get to just be.
who am i without everyone else and when the lights are off? stay tuned to find out if we ever solve this age-old question!
overall we're actually pretty okay. i mean chatgpt might think otherwise, but i have so much that i think overall i'm okay with where i am. maybe 5-years-down-the-road-me will have even more insight (crazy concept when will it ever end) and we'll make a face reading this again. what face that is, only god knows. wow i should start a substack. this is very marina keegan-esque of me.
i liked doing this. maybe i should again next time. love yourself more, it's literally just us forever and ever.
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