A year ago, today
You asked me (while I sat on the motorcycle game in Red Robin) to be your girlfriend.
The look on your face when I (happily) agreed is still permanently etched into my mind
And every single day since then, you remind me of that moment, and I can feel that smile on my own face.
I guess I’m getting sappy. And it wasn’t an easy year, by any stretch of the imagination. And I changed, we both did. It’ll probably get harder, too.
But I love you, and I’ve loved you for a year, and I’d like to love you for a couple more if that’s okay
sometimes things just don’t go the way you want them to- regardless of how much you want wanting to work. This isn’t easy for me to wrap my mind around, but I understand on some level that it’s necessary.
You are still my best friend. I still remember this day.
I need to learn to remember the past but focus on the present- I want to continue to be a part of your life however you need me to do that, and I also want to better myself and be okay with being alone.
I know we’ve both apologized a thousand times- I forgive you. And I want to say thank you. I still love you, I don’t think that will ever just go away. But love will grow and change with us, and even if it continues to get harder, I’ve loved you for two years, and I’d like to love you for a couple more if that’s okay.
My best friend, my boyfriend, my partner, my hero. My sunshine. I have been so lucky to love you for so long, to fall in love with you time and time again. I have watched you grow and change and achieve year after year; head held high and hand in mine, you have survived and have helped me do the same.
This isn’t easy, even now, even after all of this. We aren’t always in sync, we can’t always be there for each other. it isn’t all lullabies and roses, sometimes it’s long nights and apologies- but my life is better for having you in it, so thank you.
I have loved you for three years, and I’d like to love you for a couple more if that’s okay.
Well here’s the depressing yearly check in- probably the last, if I’m lucky. You are not my best friend, you are barely my friend. You are someone who lives in songs I don’t listen to anymore, you are one third of a group chat we don’t use that often, you are not going to be by my side at graduation. I tried to understand, and to forgive, and to forget, I tried to keep my mouth shut, I tried to scream and cry and I tried to rationalize, I tried to drown you out, I have felt another kind of love and I have grown my hair from my scalp to my shoulders
I’ve loved you for four years and I hope you learn to love yourself
It’s bizarre, I didn’t wake up today knowing the date for the first time in five years. I didn’t even realize until one of the delivery guys at work asked me what day it was!
AND STILL
I got three hours of very stressful sleep last night because I spent at least an hour on the phone with Allison crying about YOU! I mean, I tried to explain that it isn’t always about you but hoo-boy too much of it is still about you. It’s too much. I’m tired I’m so tired of this.
I don’t know why I can’t let it go but to be honest, the only time I ever cared enough about anything to think it was worth taking risks and working really hard for, was this, was you. And that’s not a You Problem, it’s just how I am. Love mattered that much to me. I don’t know where I’m headed now but according to Allison, there are some things you just never get over. I really really hope this isn’t one of them.
Loving you is the easiest way for me to know myself- I will always wish you the best.
It’s hard to lose touchstones.
This time it’s May 4th, but I didn’t check in yesterday because I was busy- I had a really good day, ate some dim sum, saw art with friends. It wasn’t too hot out. I like May.
We didn’t really talk yesterday—you asked if the newest episode of the RPG based podcast we’re following was up, I said it was, but you use Spotify to listen and I use Apple podcasts, so you couldn’t find it. Today you tried to convince me the “Yeehaw” meme was post-ironic and to be honest, you’re probably right. Which is not something I would admit to just anyone.
I’m a very lucky person. I know this. The universe places things in front of me and asks me, patiently, if I want them bad enough to work for them. And when I do, I get them.
I worked hard for this. Thanks for sticking around, thanks for not giving up, thanks for being patient, thanks for wanting to be good. I learn from you every day. It’s interesting, the closeness you grow into with a person you’ve been through so much with. Love, loss, lies, and forgiveness on a multitude of levels. I suspect we’re closer now than we were when I said I loved you, in that voice I haven’t heard in years. It’s been so good to grow up with you.
And I cannot wait to watch you graduate two weeks from tomorrow! You have so much ahead of you! It feels like the last big thing I was ever waiting for. It felt like the furthest thing for the longest time. But it also feels like it happened overnight- I only just watched you graduate high school yesterday! What the fuck is going on! I’ll be 24 the next day! Jesus Christ. A lot changes in a year. A lot changes in six years.
But I’m so god damn psyched for you.
You’re going to be amazing.
I forgot about May 3rd. Probably because it’s been seven years since the first may 3rd and everything is different now, or maybe because we’re doing the “global pandemic” thing, still. I debated with myself about updating this, which i now realize means that at some point, i must have crossed some invisible finish line. That feeling is very freeing.
I’m going to be 25 in a couple days! I’m going to make myself a cake and then hopefully bring you some when i see you the day after. My roommate texted me saying that i have mail from your mom waiting for me at the apartment. Maybe this will be my last time updating this post. Maybe it won’t! I love the narrative. You know me, sucker for a narrative. But there isn’t any urgency this time. And more than that, there isn’t anything I couldn’t just say to you if i wanted to.
Thanks for being my friend, teammate, confidant. Thanks for factiming with me for 4 hours at a time multiple times a week. Thanks for playing video games and letting me watch. For liking my art, and sharing your writing, being a great dnd party member, laughing at my jokes, letting me be a truly bizarre part of your family. Thanks for being my buddy in a journey through mental health. Thanks for standing up for me, to me, for so many years.
Hi again, it’s me, it’s 2022, i’m going to be 27 soon, and i think we’re probably going to get married :-)
Not this year, i mean, but this lifetime, the forecast is good, my friend! I’m a little surprised there isn’t an addition to this from 2021, as sentimental as I tend to be. But here i am now and there isn’t much to say, except that i love you and it would appear that i have always loved you and i plan to continue always loving you forever.
Everything is going to be okay!
I’m going to be 28 in a couple weeks and the new Zelda game comes out right before that and earlier this year you asked me to marry you and i didn’t even say yes right away because i was so surprised that you planned a whole proposal without me noticing and i’m so so proud of you and us and how far we’ve come together, and of course i said yes when you asked me a second time and i came back to my senses, i said yes, and we just started planning a wedding and everyone is happy for us and my parents love you like a son and i love you like the earth under my feet. I love you forever.
According to this app on my phone, our wedding is in ninety-four days, and there’s still so much to do, but today you’re picking up our “new” vintage couch, the biggest piece of furniture we’ve acquired together so far, and you’ve been busy planning my birthday dinner for this Saturday (twenty-nine!) and every single night i feel lucky to fall asleep beside you. You work so hard to be the best partner, friend, brother, uncle, son, and student you can be, and it is an honor to witness and support you. I love you. I can’t wait to have a great big party about it :-)
We’ve been married for…. 632 days! We live in a new town, a good town, we can walk to shops and restaurants. We have friends here, old ones, new ones. We have two cats! We’re thinking about having children! I couldn’t imagine doing any of this with anyone else. This morning i told you that i’m glad that i’m alive—i looked in the mirror and saw the signs of age, and i thought, how lucky am i? To keep getting older, loved and in love?
