The heart of a hopeless romantic, mind of a loner.

This is where I come to dump my feelings and experiences. If you know me irl, move along thank you v much. 25, USAF, bi

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

What is this

What is this feeling

I don’t want to continue

But I do…continue

I want to walk away

But then I walk in that room

And she’s there

And I want to hold her

Want to kiss her

Want to touch her

But I just can’t bring myself to

Because I know it leads

Somewhere else

…

I want to hold her

And I want to kiss her

Touch her

But in the end

…

I don’t want to be here

Not here

Not where we’re at

Because we aren’t

Where we’ve been

…

And I miss

Where we’ve been

…

But here we are

Where we are

Not able to go back

…

And I’m stuck

I want to be where I want to be

And I’m not there

…

And I don’t know

If this is where she wants to be

Cause if it is

…

I can’t be here

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

I’m sitting here

Playing Xbox with my girlfriend

And our friends

And texting my ex

…

It’s not how it sounds

She’s getting married

…

One of my friends

Texted me and asked if I was invited

…

I wasn’t

Obviously

…

So I decided to text a congrats

…

But now here I am

Playing Xbox

And wondering how she got there

While I’m still here

Unhappy and longing

For something

That I don’t have

But she apparently does

…

And I’m so happy for her

So proud she became who she is

…

But so upset that I’m not

Where I want to be

…

Does that make me a bad person?

I feel like a bad person…

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

Do people really have different seasons?

Like of their lives…

I’ve heard that a million times

That we have different “seasons”

And people

They come into our lives

For the different seasons.

I guess it makes me wonder why

Why do these people come

And then go

And why do we have different seasons?

Why do people leave

When the season change?

Is it because our seasons

Don’t match up with theirs?

Or because our seasons

Change before theirs?

And what does that say

About soulmates?

Are soulmates just people

Who go through the same seasons

At the same time?

And they never stop?

….

I feel like my season changed

And hers didn’t.

Or maybe vice versa, I’m not sure.

But we aren’t on the same page

At the very least.

And I don’t know how to fix that

How to make this okay

How to stay

Where she needs me to be.

Or where I need her to be.

…

We just aren’t at the same place.

God

“The same place”

Another fucking phrase.

“I’m sorry, we’re just not at the same place”

What place is that?

What place are you in?

Where am I?

I don’t even know where I am.

But I guess you’re right.

I’m not where you are

And you’re not where I am.

..

So

How do we get there?

To each other’s places.

Can we?

Or is this just it?

.

Cause it kinda feels like

This is just

It…

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

I don’t know why I feel like this

Like there’s something missing

Maybe everything missing…

I have someone who loves me

Who cares about me

But it’s just…

It doesn’t feel like “it”

Not anymore

I’m not sure

When it stopped feeling like “it”

But somewhere along the line

It did.

And now I’m sitting here

As she goes to bed

And I sit on the couch, awake

Thinking about how I got here

How we got here.

[and here I am hoping it gets fixed somehow]

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

We used to have a rule

“Never go to bed angry”

Now she goes to sleep

Wall facing

And I stay up

Liquor chasing

...

And it’s crazy to think

This is where we ended up

After almost two and a half years

And I think we’ve both had enough

...

No words are ever said

She chooses silence

And I think I’m trying my best

But maybe I need some guidance

...

Like what do you say

When every word is wrong

And she just shuts down

And you sit, waiting so long

...

For any words to come out

Anything at all from her mouth

But she just faces the wall

And so you think “maybe I should just sleep on the couch”

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

The fear and worry I have

Is not because I don’t believe in us

It’s because I believe in us so much

I’ve never felt the way I feel

Never felt this strongly

Never wanted something so bad

As I do with you

I’ve never felt so comfortable

Like I can be myself

100% myself

With anyone else

You make me so happy

So full inside

I’ve felt so empty

For so long, so so long

And with you

I feel full inside, complete

What we got, it’s real

The realest thing I’ve ever felt

So yeah, I believe in us

And I know it’s real

And pure

But the world is not

Life is messy

And I guess I’m afraid

That something this pure

Isn’t meant to exist in this world

Like maybe the universe

Will somehow ruin this

Or I will

I’m messy too

And yet you love me anyway

I just don’t ever want to lose you

And I think that fear

Maybe drives me nuts

I’m not sure what I wrote right now

Is even the full reason I’m afraid

I just know I am sometimes

Just worried I’ll lose you

But I also know

I don’t worry nearly as much

As I used to

I don’t think it’ll ever fully go away

But all I do know is

I believe in us

I believe in what we have

I love you so much

And you know what?

I know you know how much I love you

Because it’s just as much as you love me

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

“I want to make you so happy

That you don’t know what to do with it”

Okay but how do I do that for her

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

And for the first time in a long time, I’m afraid she’s going to leave.

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

She was asleep when I called

But I needed to talk to someone

Cause

He told me he was going to kill himself

And I didn’t know what to do

Cause

He’s my person

My brother

I love him to no end

And he asked what I would do if he killed himself

So I told him I would be devastated

Wouldn’t know how to function

Wouldn’t know what to do with myself

Cause I love him

He’s my person

So I cried

And when I got home

I called him

I made plans for tomorrow

Cause I need him here

I know that’s selfish

But I need him here

I really need him here

Please god keep him here

Cause I need him

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

Can I stop waking up

In a bad mood

No more furrowed brow

Or attitude

Can I stop waking up

Feeling ill

No more body pains

Popping Advil

Can I stop waking up

With negative feelings

No more tears and anger

Or staring at ceilings

Can I stop waking up

Exhausted from my dreams

No more nightmares

With terrifying scenes

Can I just stop waking up?

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

Being inside my head

Is such a jumbled mess

It’s like

So many different thoughts and feelings

Are flying around and hitting each other

It’s exhausting

And it’s always kinda been like this

Just madness and haywire in my head

But it’s worse lately

I don’t know it’s like

Nothing feels right

Like everything is just too much

I feel like I have no time to myself

And yet somehow also have too much

My thoughts are more pitiful and selfish

I feel 10 steps behind all the time

And yet somehow also ahead

I feel smothered and yet alone

It’s all these feelings and their counterparts

Flying around inside me

Im in a constant state of conflict with myself

And I just want everything to stop

I’d honestly give anything if it would all just

Stop

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

Is this how it’s going to be?

One thing after another

One crisis after another

Never a smooth patch

Just drowning in turbulent water

Never getting our heads above it?

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

Lately I feel like I’ve been fucking up a lot

And I don’t know how or why half the time

It’s like I breathe and I’m wrong

And I know that’s not the case

But one second I’m saying goodbye to my girlfriend after a weekend together

And the next she’s telling me she cried all the way home and needs space and that it’s kinda my fault

And so I apologize profusely

And she tells me we’ll have to talk another time about it

And that I can’t fix it right now anyway

And that it is what it is

And that it’s whatever

And, again, I apologize and try to affirm that her feelings are valid

And that she just needs to communicate with me

And then eventually

I stop

I start to get frustrated cause I’m confused by what I did

And how we got here

And why this happens every time we’re apart, it seems

And I go on wondering this

Until it’s 2:47am and I can’t sleep cause my mind is wondering and wondering

And I start to type a message apologizing again

Saying how I’m so sorry I seem to fucking up a lot lately

Especially since she’s already going through a lot

And I’m sorry I’m adding to that

Instead of helping and comforting and being a positive aspect in her life

And that I’m gonna do what I can to make it better

And then I delete it

Cause I know she won’t answer it now

And when she wakes up she won’t address it

And if she does it’ll probably just annoy her

Cause apologies aren’t going to fix it

So, in reality, I guess it’d be a waste of breath or text or whatever

So I just delete it

And I turn here to dump it out instead

So at least someone will read what I’m thinking and feeling

And I can feel heard, too

Now I just wait till tomorrow when I can actually listen to her

And obsess over how to fix the problem I don’t know about yet

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

She carries this weight on her shoulders

More than the weight of the world

It’s like the weight of the universe

Rests on her shoulders

Some days, she stands so tall

Even with all that weight

But on others...

She crawls on all fours

Slowly, but she pushes

She pushes through

Even when there’s an extra obstacle

She pushes so hard

And I just want to help

I want to help her carry it all

But she doesn’t know

How to give some to me

And I don’t know

How to take some off of her

So, I try and crawl next to her

It’s not much

But, at least I can keep her company

Until we find a way

To carry it all

Together

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

I’m re-reading poems i wrote

And they’re making my heart hurt

I can’t believe I ever let myself

Be made to feel that low

I let someone walk all over me

Like the sand pathway

That leads to the beach

Millions of feet have stomped on that ground

Not even thinking

Of what lay beneath

That was me

Letting everyone walk on me

To get to where they needed to be

Not caring of what it did to me

No more

I will not be that for anyone anymore

Except maybe you

Cause unfortunately fortunately

I love you to no end

So if you needed to step on me

To get to where you needed to be

I’d lay down willingly

That being said

I think I’m where you need to be

And everyone else was your stepping stone

I hope I’m not another stone in your path

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

Sitting here at the beach

It’s 3am and everyone is drunk

I’m on the balcony

Watching the waves crash against the shore

I wish you were here

I wanna be sitting here with you

Listening to the ocean

It’s so peaceful

And yet my body is so anxious

Anxious for you

For your touch

Your kiss

I wanna run my fingers up your back

Pull you as close as I can

Feel your lips brush mine

Try to tease you

Even though I know you hate it

I’d do anything for you to be here

Right now

With me

God, we have to come here

We gotta make it to here

To vacations together

To times we’ll never be apart

That’s all I want

You

You’re all I want

[hopelessromanticcupcake]

The chaos in my head

Bleeds out

Like a bullet to my temple

And suffocates me

Like hands around my neck