[horseradishhaven]

Fear is the colour

The light in the moon

Fear is ideas

Fear in memories

Fear is creative and witty

Fear is getting home safe

Fear is support desguised as instinct

Fear is letting go and moving on

Fear is not paralysed but moving forward

Fear is logical thinking making it work

Fear is noises we don't recognise and working them out

Fear is surpresed memories masquerading as cliques

Fear is

Fear is

Over coming them

& Fear is power

[calm-thought]

Some days you will feel broken. You will be unable to move for fear, for shame, for apathy. You will feel alone, hungry, and lost. Those days will happen, and you are not a bad person for having them. Although society is designed to punish you for having these days, this punishment is unfair—and there are people who understand that. They can help you work through this.

[timeaway]

My kink is not opening messages and pretending theyre not there

[stonerparty]

[horseradishhaven]

It's hard to be selfish

But essential

[horseradishhaven]

I've started working nights

So I'm coming home really late

It's 1:45pm on a Saturday

And I'm sitting in the bath

(No water, fully clothed)

My boyfriend passed out in bed

(Drugs, beer and a very tough week)

His best mate in the sofa

(With the cat)

And I'm not really prepared for

(Anything in reality)

People: anyone at all really

(Other than myself)

And not because I gave too much

(Although maybe I did)

And not because I'm tired

(Although I really should be)

And not because I'm emotional

(Infact I'm maybe numb)

But because this is a rare moment where I'm just me for me and there's no where to go and nowhere to be and no one to see and nothing to do and just me just me just me for the first time in a long time and it's good good good to just be

Sitting in the bath

Eating a

Marmite sandwich

In the dark

With candles

Incense burning

Pink pillows

Cosy clothes

Bottle of water

Big spliff

Just me

[horseradishhaven]

Literally so pleased w myself

[horseradishhaven]

Skywalker og. Been waiting for this for too long

[hermuis-blog]

Girls get made fun of for everything might as well do what you want lol

[firesuns-archive]

not to be dramatic but this mentality literally freed me

[horseradishhaven]

Keep yourself to yourself eh

[horseradishhaven]

So in the short window of time I had today in my over-worked schedule I watched my mum and brother pole and prod at each other. Little digs. Both thinking that they understand each other and the world more completely. Both thinking they are entitled to an opinion on how the other constructs there lives. Both thinking it's there job to teach.

And on a day I just wanted it easy I'm sitting here having to admit to myself that I do it too. That I constantly feel it's my job to teach the world how to be when it's a big enough job learning how to be me.

[horseradishhaven]

I planned to see my bro this afternoon and I thought my mum was going to be out (I'm seeing her tomorrow) and I was looking forward to the one on one. But she was in. No big deal, right?

But like all families, there's these weird little social intricacies we abide by. I couldn't tell her, because I was afraid I'd upset her. And finally I understood what my boyfriend talks about with me. This fear he has of rocking my boat. Because I'm some lights I'm a mirror of my mum and all her insecurities. Finally I understood the unknowing guilt I've inflicted upon him for the moments he wants something other than me and my attention.

I don't mean to any more than she does. But it hurts to see yourself clearly.

[horseradishhaven]

I haven't seen my brother properly in weeks. I'm free and he's not, he's free and I'm not. I miss him. He's the person who makes most sense to me in this world. He's the only person who can make me feel like I make sense.

[youngandcar3free]

Don’t tell me what to do unless we’re in bed

[horseradishhaven]

I need to stop beating myself up but I just keep feeling like I'm letting people down. Letting people down with who I am. I'm not. I'm just tired.

But me being tired, me not wanting to do this or that or behave a certain way is me not meeting the expectations of the people around me. And I so want to meet the expectations of the people around me.

I so want to show my love to people. I so want to spend my time with people. I just need to do me first.

I just wish I knew what it was to 'do me'

[horseradishhaven]

Keep it to yourself. Look after yourself.

Self

[horseradishhaven]

My Humility

There's a man in my life who I am privileged enough to call my boyfriend. He is the most incredible, beautiful human being I have ever met. He has a good heart. He is full of love and understanding and patience.

He looks at the world clearly and calmly. He is accepting and forgiving. He is creative and inspiring and he changes my world every day.

He shows me all the good things in life with his optimism and his brightness. He is always there when I need him with support and smiles and so much love to give.

He isn't perfect. No one is.

But still he is perfect for me.

And I want to deserve him.

I want to be good to him.

I want to do nothing but love him!

...but I push him away...

I continue to test him in ways he doesn't deserve. I continue criticise. I eat away at him because I am flawed. Because I am scared. Because I have only ever learnt to be selfish in the bad ways.

I need to do better. Do better. Do better! I need to deserve this man. This beautiful, incredible man. He's one of the good ones. He's got a good and beautiful soul. He is heaven on earth and all the things I desire.