For those of you uninitiated, here’s the story:
Picked out a cake at Meijer. Asked bakery-looking-employee if she could write on it for me. She said she would, and after a long time, she came and presented me with this cake. I looked her In the eye and said thank you before I even looked at the cake. After looking, I nervously laughed and headed to check out- it didn’t really matter to me that it looked so bad- I thought people would think it was funny. The cashiers at the self check out didn’t think it was so funny though, and called a few more cashiers and a manager over to look, even taking pictures. To my surprise, after they discussed it, one cashier put her arm on my shoulder and said “the girl who wrote that has Autism. Thank you for smiling and thanking her- even though she’s not supposed to write on cakes, you probably made her day.” So I guess the moral of the story is that kindness is important!“
Seems like a nice little story, doesn’t it? The kind of thing anyone can find on Upworthy.
There’s a lot to unpack here.
How do you know it made her day?
It’s nice for able people to think that the autistic woman went home, grinning at the simple act of kindness that brightened her life. However, that is probably not what happened.
The Meijer cake woman probably just thought, “Oh, she said thank you. That’s nice,” and carried on with her day, unaware that her employer had outed her as autistic without consulting her first. She probably wanted to go about her day, doing her best and being a hard worker like any other employee.
She probably went home, and suddenly her cake was posted all over the internet, people treating her like a child, people congratulating her customer for having some basic human decency. The fact that she’s autistic is all over the internet without her consent, even if her name isn’t specifically spelled out. It’s rather easy for someone to find the bakery and narrow down who she is. People are acting like going to the store and buying a cake from the woman is an incredible act of kindness, when in reality, the woman probably wants to live her life.
“But Ally!” I hear you say. “Stop being so politically correct! Can’t we do anything nice for Persons With Disabilities?”
You can, when you’re doing actually nice things, and when you’re not plastering it around the internet and saying, “Look how nice I am as a person.”
Kindness isn’t the absence of cruelty. Kindness is an actual action, not saying thank you to a person like everyone should. The customer doesn’t get a gold medal for not being a bully to someone who differs.
It really says a lot about how we treat the bullying of disabled people that not being a complete asshole is enough to turn someone into a Benevolent Angel. The standard for treating disabled people with some dignity is so low that basic politeness is considered exceptional.
This woman isn’t being treated with any dignity, or like an actual person. She’s being treated like a charity case, when in reality you should thank someone and smile at them regardless of the service you’ve received. That’s what I learned at least.
God, I can’t believe I’m schooling allistics on social skills.
Disabled people aren’t here to make you feel good about yourself, or for you to pat yourself on the back because you’re such a good person for treating us like humans.
