there's something so fascinating about the physicality of Hotch. he's tall, strongly built, and he uses that, he's commanding. he's loud, his voice carries well, but he's rarely violent. he's a clean shot, he's steady. that drops when he's not in charge of a situation. his voice gets the softest of anyone on the team. he moves stiltedly. stands awkwardly, like he's trying to shrink - he makes himself look smaller. he fidgets but it's isolated to areas of his body, the rest of him freezes. when he loses control he tears down to bone. screaming in the face of fire, beating Foyet to death. inherent violence tamped down and down. and you know it's there, when he's physically commanding, but it's not far away even when he's not.
Tags: brief descriptions of canon-typical violence, self-care.
Summary: Sometimes, no matter the effort, a case just ends badly. And sometimesâ although usually accidentally, Aaron Hotchner practices self-care. Title from I'll Follow the Sun by The Beatles, images from Pinterest.
author's note: I don't know how to format things for tumblr. oops. also crossposted on ao3
Sometimes everything falls into place. Sometimes, it all goes exactly right and the team can go home knowing the families can hold their loved ones again. And for those who can'tâ they might at least rest knowing the one responsible for their grief will spend the rest of their existence behind bars. Â
This wasn't one of those cases.
Four victims before theyâd even gotten to the small town two hours out from Columbus. Another two while they built the profile.Â
They'd found himâ Garcia managing to find the needle that was the old family cabin within Reidâs geographical profile. They'd done the work, and theyâd done it well.Â
It wasn't enough.Â
The Unsub had been devolvingâ the overkill between victims four and six increasing steadily. Sandra Glover, Lynn Krasnov, Yasmine Beaker and Mia Benjamin, while butchered, had been killed and dismembered with a hunter's precision. Jessica Cartwright, Jane Goswami, and Rebecca Carlston were torn apart.Â
They'd found him moments away from his first strike to Maggie Bell. Hotch had taken the lead on talking him down, a mere breath away from the Unsubâs surrender when one of the local officers shifted his position a bit too quickly.
Robert Marston reacted.Â
And Hotch pulled the trigger in the end.Â
Aaron shrugs off his jacket after setting down his go-bag haphazardly near the entry table. He checks his locks methodically before tossing his keys in their assigned bowl, not even bothering to toe off his shoes before dragging himself to the sofa.Â
A quiet groan is pulled deep from within his chest once he settles on the cushions, every sleepless night and forgotten dinner from the last week wreaking havoc on his body. He loosens his tie one handedâ the other raking through his gelled strands in an attempt to ground himself. Chancing a glance at his watch, he regrets it immediately. It wonât be light out for hours yet, and Jack wonât come back from Jessicaâs for even longer.
He just wants to hold his son.
 He slips the Rolex off his wrist and places it gingerly on the table. Every silent movement of the hand rings through his brain, the seconds creeping by taunting him with the reminder of Jackâs childhood slipping through his fingers. He averts his gaze.
Heâll put it away later.
He gets up after a while, grabbing himself a protein bar and a shower. He doesnât taste nor feel anything, just running through the motions. He sits on the edge of his bed in his faded university t-shirt and plaid pyjama pants, damp hair sticking up every which way while he tries to muster up the courage to face another nightmare filled slumber. Just as heâs beginning to lift the duvet, a glint catches his eye.
He looks to the source unseeingly for a moment before his brain catches up with him. He just stares for what feels like hours, fragments of forgotten memories and dampened emotions washing over him. His feet hit the cold floor, breaking him out of the haze that had gripped him. He moves away from the bed.
Aaron grabs a clean cloth from the ensuite and heads back to the bedroom. He hesitates momentarily once he reaches the far corner just off the end of his bed, gaze focusing on the old guitar perched proudly on itâs stand. His legs carry him forward timidly, like one might approach a scorned friend. Settling on his kneesâ which both give a weary creak on the way down, his lips curve upward at the familiar sight.Â
He wipes the J-45 down gently, a silent apology in each caress as the dust is swept away. Aaronâs eyes shine in the low light, mirroring the warmth in the aged wood before him. He lifts it carefully, practically cradling it as he settles onto the floor.
He spends a few minutes plucking each string, turning the pegs until he no longer cringes from the resulting noise. He strums once gingerly, finding the resulting sound much less abrasive than expected. He nods to himself, adjusting the guitar on his lap as he positions his hands. His fingers stumble over the worn strings, the notes buzzing in protest. He pauses, allowing himself a moment to breathe, eyes drifting shut on the exhale.
He changes tactics, and tries again.
The chord is a little muffled but rings true in the emptiness of Aaronâs apartment. He moves through the familiar patterns, fingers flexing with every change as he slowly finds himself in the groove of things once again.
Tentative presses transform into a self-assured glide. His confidence grows and his fingers dance aimlessly, allowing the honeyed sounds to decide their course.
He can almost hear Haleyâs laugh within the melody. A lifetime agoâ maybe in another life altogether, that laugh wouldâve accompanied a tender hand on his thigh as they sang to the night sky together.
Heâll get to teaching Jack soon, he thinks. She always said he should.
He misses a noteâ or maybe five. His fingertips burn and his back is beginning to ache but itâs the most at peace heâs felt in, well, arguably much too long. And for once Aaron Hotchner feels. He doesn't lock it in a box wrapped in barbed wire. He doesn't hold onto it so tightly it might snap.Â
He just is.Â
The sun is rising by the time heâs ready to part with his old friend. He glances over at the window, taking in the soft orange light peeking beyond the cityscape. Aaron knows he should've gone to bed ages agoâ Jack will be coming home in a couple hours and he still has to finish his report.Â
But maybe not every sleepless night is a loss. Maybe sometimes it's just an early start.Â
you should do an A.H. fanfic of him and Y/N on a dangerous case together when the unsub suddenly takes Y/N hostage infront of hotch, maybe a âthe world could burn for youâ type moment?
What if I went feral over this. What if I went feral because of how imposing and stern he looks. What if I went feral cuz of how his shirt is stretched over his chest. What if I-
You're having a bad day, and JJ notices. She brings you into her office for a quick talk, a talk happens but so does a kiss...
Link on ao3
Today had been a clusterfuck. Everything you thought you had all planned out for the day started unraveling the minute you stepped through the doors of the BAU. JJ had gone over the case you guys were taking the night before, but since the need to travel wasn't needed due to the case taking place so close to home, the team was able to go home to sleep and get there early to plan the way they were going to handle everything. The problem arose when a new victim had turned up, even though they had gone over everything related to the case and never saw something like this happening. you started to feel like there was something you had missed, and that this girl dying had somehow been your fault.Â
âAre you okay?â You heard Spencer behind you, not getting too close to protect you from the others noticing something was wrong.
âYeah⊠yeah Iâll be fine Spence. Thanks for asking.â You didnât even look up at him, you just rearranged a few things on your desk hoping that he would get the hint and leave you alone. You wanted to desperately to be left alone and to deal with things on your own. You were never one to ask for help, and today was not the day you were going to start.Â
âHey.â You heard a softer voice speak behind you. You wanted to turn around and yell in anger but you knew who was there, and you never wanted to hurt her. She meant well and was just checking on you.Â
You turned around, with tears in your eyes, and looked at her. She didnât say another word. She came up to you, grabbed your hand, and led you up the stairs to her office. That was how the two of you worked most of the time, words were no longer needed, and all it took was a second to see how the other was acting to gauge what was needed. JJ knew if you were out there for any longer, you would have a meltdown, and it would absolutely embarrass you to the point of no return if that were to happen.Â
As soon as you both entered her office, she set you down in a chair and she sat in the one opposite you. She held your hand and looked up at you, her face a mix of concern and empathy. You hated when people looked at you with concern, you wanted to be the person no one had to worry about, you could handle everything on your own, and JJ knew that. But here she was, worrying about you because no matter how hard you tried to prove to her that you didnât need anyone to care about you, she refused to listen to you. You wanted to keep your head down and to look at your legs instead of up at JJ but you knew she wouldnât let you do that. You forced yourself to crane your neck up and look at her, and as soon as you did a tear rolled out of your eye and you flung your hand up to stop it from going any further.Â
âWhat is going on?â She asked, not in a harsh tone, but in one that you knew meant she wanted the truth and not some half-assed answer you would give anyone else.Â
âToday didnât go how it was supposed to JJ, we were supposed to find the Unsub before anything bad happened again. This all feels like I failed somehow. I feel like I was supposed to stop this from happening, I had it all planned out how we were going to catch him but he still managed to take another girl's life before we could.â The last few words came out broken through the sobs that were tearing their way out of your body. You had tried so hard to keep them in, but in front of JJ, it didnât matter how hard you tried. She had this way about her that made you feel comforted and safe, and your emotions knew you didnât have to hide around her. She was the type of person who could break down walls you or she didnât know were there. She was herself, and it brought out the best in everyone around her.
âWhat happened today was not your fault. It was no one's fault. We cannot fully predict another personâs actions no matter how hard we try. We can try our damnedest but sometimes people act irrationally under pressure and they do things that even we as profilers cannot see happening.â She rubbed her thumb over your knuckles to keep you grounded in what she was saying, to keep you present. You knew from the moment you stepped foot in this office that she would be able to make you combat the hard feelings that were swirling around in your head.Â
âAlso, asking for help does not make you weak. You are the strongest person I know, even now with tears running down your face, actually especially now.âÂ
You sighed, âYouâre just saying that to make me feel better aren't you?âÂ
She didnât smile. She looked stone-faced, which made you a bit nervous, scared that you somehow had made her mad at you, which was the absolute last thing you wanted.
âI am completely serious here. You are a strong person, and your being upset right now shows how much you care about your job and the people you help. That is something that no one can take away from you and something that shows the amount of strength you have to be able to continue to do this job every single day.â She didnât break eye contact with you the entire time she spoke. Her face had begun to get softer the more she spoke to you, showing how genuine she was about how she felt, about how strong and caring you were. Â
You both just sat there for a few moments, you soaking in what she said, and her letting you deal with whatever was going on in your mind. You never really understood why it was so hard for you to ask for help, or why you held yourself to such a high standard. You would never think poorly of one of your teammates for crying or even just having a hard time on a case. You would think they just simply cared about their job enough to still be human and have strong emotions.Â
âI know youâre going through your feelings right now, and just know whenever youâre ready to talk, or even if you just want to sit here and be together I can do whatever. I also have some cheese puffs in my drawer over there if you want some.âÂ
This made you smile, âJJ, you have my favorite snacks in your drawer?â
A blush passed over her cheeks, which filled you almost with a sense of pride that you made her happy.Â
âI maybe have your favorite snack in my drawer, and I maybe bought them when you told me what your favorite snack was. I wanted them in case you ever needed or wanted them.â She turned her head away from you for a second and you just sat there and smiled at her.
JJ was the first person on this team to make you feel appreciated and that made you feel a part of the team. She was the type of person who would make every single person in the room with her feel comfortable and allow them to have time to speak. If someone talked over someone around her she would make the point to make sure they got the chance to speak about whatever they were trying to say. She was just simply put, a good person. Of course, she had your favorite snack in her drawer, only she would.Â
When she turned her head back to you, you leaned forward and kissed her. It was a soft kiss at first, allowing her to back away if she didnât feel the same way about you. Once she pressed harder into you and deepened the kiss you knew it was over for you both. The kiss quickly became more passionate. You pressed your hand against her cheek and she ran her fingers through your hand, pulling a bit which made a moan escape your lips. You could feel her smile against your mouth. You went to reach to move her top off of her shoulder when you both heard someone walk by her office and Hotch, your boss, began talking.Â
You quickly stood up, began to rearrange your clothes, and fix your hair. You smiled down at JJ who was looking up at you with stars in her eyes. She started laughing a mix of panic and just pure amusement. Neither of you planned for this to happen. It was just a friend helping a friend in need, and then it progressed to what felt like two school girls doing something while the principal was doing his rounds. It honestly was the best thing that came out of this terrible day. You couldnât have asked for anyone better to make everything feel right again.Â
You reached down and kissed JJ on the forehead, âThat wasâŠâ
JJ didnât hesitate to finish your sentence, âYeah.â With a quick smile, you both walked out of her office, knowing you were going to finish that later.
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